~IO .n ”-h A STUDY OF THE METHODS, AIMS, AND EXTENT OF REVISION IN FOUR WORKS OF CURRENT NON-FICTION BY HERMAN RUDOLPH STRUCK m A THESIS Submitted to the School of Graduate Studies of Michigan State College of Agriculture and Applied Science in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of DOCTOR OF EDUCATION Department of Higher Education 1953 VITA Herman Rudolph Struck candidate for the degree of Doctor of Education Final Examination: May 22, 1953 Dissertation: A Study of the Methods, Aims, and Extent of Revision in Four Works of Current Non-Fiction Outline of Studies: Major Subject: Higher Education Minor Subject: English Biographical Items: Born, July 19, 1912, Calumet, Michigan Undergraduate Studies: Bachelor of Arts, Michigan State College, 1936-1941 Graduate Studies: Master of Arts in English, Michigan State College, 1945-1946; English, Ohio State University, 1948-1950; English and Education, Michigan State College, 1950-1953 Experience: United States Army, Medical Department, 1942-1945; Graduate Assistant in English, Michigan State College, 1946; Instructor in English, Michigan State College, 1946-1948, 1950 - 11 '2“ 40*? 1.09.)? _.L - A STUDY OF THE METHODS, AIMS, AND EXTENT OF REVISION IN FOUR WORKS OF CURRENT NON-FICTION B : '9‘ y \3 o- Herman R; Struck AN ABSTRACT Submitted to the School of Graduate Studies of Michigan State College of Agriculture and Applied Science in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of DOCTOR OF EDUCATION Department of Higher Education Year 1953 -# .4 2‘4 . , 1" )« f - ,fl- A Study of the Methods, Aims, and Extent of Revision in Four Works of Current Non-Fiction This study of revisions was undertaken with the hOpe that it would provide fresh techniques for use in college compo- sition classes, suggestions for experimentation in teaching, and new information on writing problems in genera1. The project divided itself into three parts. First, it was necessary to analyze the revisions in the work drafts of current writers to determine what qualities of writing required revision, to what extent they required it, what methods the writers used to achieve those qualities, and how extensively the writers used the methods identified. Second, it was necessary to evaluate present methods and text-book recommendations in the light of the information the analysis supplied. Third, it was necessary to determine, through this appraisal, the value of the study in terms of the instructor, the student, and meth- ods of teaching. The material studied consisted of four original drafts showing the writers' revisions. Drafts of the following works were employed: Russel B. Nye, M1QW§§I§£H Progressive Politics (East Lansing [Mich.], 1951): Douglas S. Freeman, Leg;§,gigg- tenants, II (New York, 1943): Ely J. Kahn, Jr., "Profiles,” The Egg lggggg, XXIX (March 14, 1953), 36-58; MacKinlay Kantor, "Dear Old Ghost of Mine," gym, xx1v (Nov., 1945), 40-44, 171- 174. The material included the complete draft of Kantor's art- icle, and sections of the remaining writers' work. Before revision the drafts contained about thirty thousand words, and Herman R. Struck 1 ea .4 e “I” .‘u \le 1. .. a .u. 2. I nu e la .00 a . e 'c . e e u “I saw I: .I Add O a a: ”1 I e sic :t: are e . n a nu. . ”I: ..s uh uh I- ”a a! K! In nae ..I III M” a.H eee 'l it. all ' nun ...I I on: was be II ebi v l\| , K II' ' I. I IJIIII‘I.‘ J .a . J I I! I A n \ 4 ‘J _.. V a t . t . s I o. I l -. . i w . .e a . n .J o i. i m ‘ I . . . .\ a m 4 d s.» . l . . 1v: 7 . l 'I i Q ~ . . . A J a . y . H . t D ,\) 0' e .1 - I ‘4‘ Q \r ~ 0 i v I\ i C I A ,v. e\ . . II I . i . . e V t _.v z u I c I .r I . . u I O . . n I s s e — ‘ v s n .u. \l . c v '\ ‘ w J i A u . I\ l e ,. .. J v :u . I l . t 4‘ O J II [I a) u . ll 1.. v'. I 1 w A . J‘s ‘ - IVJ \ I .. ; , ..\ . L .I: , {A . » . \ \J u . 1 i u I . \e ‘ Ox . uJ I. . :II V. '\ . . q A I, i. I .t t w . m 9— I e _ .m . A, r \ . s o u o . - em. .1. e u D , A Q... . I I . ,I s x . i U . . . v - e I. .r.. .1 about two thousand separate revisions, these ranging from single- word revisions to revisions of entire paragraphs. The changes made in the four drafts examined were analyzed in terms of their effects Upon the writing, being classified under either "grammar and punctuation,” ”repetition,” "meaning," "coherence," "emphasis,“ 'concision," "tone," or "unclassified." Following classification, the total number of revisions compris- ing a single group were noted; these were then studied to iden- tify, if possible, the techniques used to achieve the specific quality being investigated. Then, in separate chapters, the patterns or lack of patterns in each writer's revisions were illustrated and discussed. Finally, identical categories among the writers were compared. The study revealed that the writers revised extensively. In a second draft of originally l3,000 words, Nye made approxi- mately 850 revisions; Freeman, in a first draft of 6,700 words, about 240; Kahn, in a first draft of 6,000 words, about 430; Kantor, in a 4,600—word draft whose stage was unknown, also about 430 changes. The study also disclosed that as a grOUp the writers revised chiefly to improve exactness of meaning, coherence, and emphasis; revisions of meaning far outnumbered other types, proving that transmitting precise meaning consti- tuted the writers' major problem. Numerous methods were iden- tified. Although most of these were methods recommended in current text books, a few were not; moreover, the study re-' vealed the specific value of particular methods. After examining textbooks on rhetoric, the present writer I Herman R. Struck , 2 ' v - ‘ -v 4 . s v . . ~ I . ' . u ‘ I j. I 0 .' - l ' a s ‘ n p .0 v r. L . . . - , J ' \I A . e . ‘ , ' e - . I 1 ’ ‘ v . 1 . i ‘ , . L y . e v . A. V ‘ . V . ! ' - .I g ' z t e \ . . t. . . . J I V‘ . t . ‘ _. . ‘ l v . v . O ~ concluded, on the basis of the extensive revision made in the drafts studied and the complexity of the methods employed, that revision was not sufficiently emphasized in current texts, and that they should be either rewritten with a more clear-cut recog- nition of the importance of revision than they now have, or SUp- plemented with a volume devoted exclusively to revision. Analysis of the findings in the study indicated that the writers' drafts could provide composition students with concrete proof of the,necessity for revision; that the traditional method of assigning frequent short themes should be replaced by the assigning of one or two long papers, around which the term's work would focus; that some of the material in the drafts could be utilized to teach methods of achieving key qualities of writ- ing more efficiently and effectively than they are now taught. "I .- - .4. l TABLE OF CONTENTS vit‘ . O O O O O O C O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O 0 11 Acknowledgements . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . vi IntrOdUCtion . O O . C' C O C O C O O O O O C O O O O O Vii CHAPTER I A SECTION OF MIDWESTERN paoongssxvg pouncs 1 1. Description of Material . . . . . . . . . . . l 2. Grammar and Punctuation . . . . . . . . . . . 2 3. RQPQtition O O O O O O 0 O O O O O O O O O O O 6 4. Meaning . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 5. Coherence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36 6. Emphasis . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 56 7. Concision . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 78 8. Tone . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 100 9. Unclassified . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 105 10. Summary of Chapter . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 113 CHAPTER II A SECTION OF‘LEELS LIEUTENANLS . . . . . . 116 1. Description of Material . . . . . . . . . . . 116 2. Grammar and Punctuation . . . . . . . . . . . 117 3. Repetition . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 120 4. Meaning . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 122 5. Coherence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 140 iii TABLE OF CONTENTS Page ta 0 C O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O 11 knowledgements . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . vi itrOdUCtion O O O O 0' O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O Vii {AFTER I ALSECTION OF MIDWESTERN PROGRESSIVE POLITICS 1 1. Description of Material . . . . . . . . . . . l 2. Grammar and Punctuation . . . . . . . . . . . 2 3e ROPCtition e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e 6 4. Meaning . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 5. Coherence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36 6. Emphasis . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 56 7. Concision . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 78 8. Tone . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 100 9. Unclassified . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 105 10. Summary of Chapter . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 113 CHAPTER II A SECTION OF LE;'_S_ LIEUTENANIS . . . . . . 116 1. Description of Material . . . . . . . . . . . 116 2. Grammar and Punctuation . . . . . . . . . . . 117 3. Repetition . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 120 4. Meaning . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 122 5. Coherence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 140 ' iii I I a a e n e O O I Q 5 e . I . . I C v I v . . u I e I ~ . , _ . . 4 t g e . u . . - . . a n , . . > O a e v I I - e t I e . I A I I - I . I I o n s I - - a A - n o ' : O I I a e -. e u I I ‘ , I - I n . v . e t a I 4 ' - I 0 I6 I I I o I a a , I . I e i I Q a e a t e I . I . I a a a " a 1 n a - a I t ) . . I - I C I ' O . I n o v . . , O I I v a ‘ l l . l a g . I Q § ‘x I P 1 . . - J O In q I s a , \ . . a . . , . . - . c . O n | e M Q Q l l 1 ' C b n' . . I ‘ I e x l-' . 'I‘e .‘ 'I s 41 a II | C I II 'I ‘ Q n ‘i a t l ‘ t‘ . u . e Ii . '1 I e 4. II a U Q . 1 5 1| I ‘I ‘ . u a I a 'Q '( CHAPTER II (Continued) 6. Eupha31s . O O O C O O O O O O O O O O 7. Conc151°n C O O O O C O C O O O O O O 8. Tone O O C O O O O O O O O O O O O O O 90”“613351f10deeeeeeeeeeeee 10. Summary of Chapter . . . . . . . . . . CHAPTER III A SECTION OF A w YORKEB ARTICLE 1. Description of Material . . . . . . . 2. Grammar and Punctuation . . . . . . . 3. Repetition . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 4. Meaning . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5. Coherence . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6. Emphasis . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7. Concision . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 8. Tone . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9. Unclassified . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10. Summary of Chapter ‘. . . . . . . . . . *IAPTER IV A COMPLETE ARTICLE FROM ESQUIRE . 1. Description of Material . . . . . . . 2. Grammar and Punctuation . . . . . . . 3. Repetitima. .. .. .. .. .. .. . 4. Meaning . .. .. .. .. .. .. .. 5. Coherence .. .. .. .. .. .. .. 6. Empha818000000000000000 iv Page 145 154 161 164 168 174 174 175 179 182 194 203 227 241 253 260 264 264 265 273 277 286 301 I CHAPTER IV (Continued) ' P399 7. Concision . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 320 8. Tone . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 328 9. Unclassified . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 333 10. SummaryofChapter.............. 337 CONCLUSION...................... 342 Bibliography..................... 376 Appendix A -- Draft of Midwegtern Progressive PolitiC§ Draft of 1,313, Lieutenagt§ Appendix B - Appendix C -- Draft of New 1933;, article Appendix D -- Draft of £13221 article ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS For assistance on this project, I am indebted to various peOple. I am especially grateful to Miss Clara Laidlaw for suggesting the study, and to Mr. Robert Geist for valuable help during its production. Dr. Milosh Muntyan, my major professor, and Dr. Russel Nye gave constant consid- eration and aid. To Dr. Nye I owe special thanks for the loan of an early draft of Midwestern aggressive Politic . Mrs. Anne Alubowicz, of the library staff at Michigan State College, labored cheerfully and persistently to obtain books and manuscripts. The Public Library at Coral Gables, Florida, and the library of Mary Washington College made available various manuscripts. For his kindness in providing preparatory notes and drafts at considerable inconvenience to himself, I shall always be grateful to Mr. Ely J. Kahn, Jr., of the mm. Thanks are extended also to Mrs. Claire Dunn, who typed j the thesis, and to my wife, who rendered invaluable assist- ance throughout the work. H. R. 5. v1 A STUDY OF THE METHODS, AIMS, AND EXTENT OF REVISION IN FOUR WORKS OF CURRENT NON-FICTION J B y ”\J’?‘ O“ Herman R: Struck AN ABSTRACT Submitted to the School of Graduate Studies of Michigan State College of Agriculture and Applied Science in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of DOCTOR OF EDUCATION Department of Higher Education Year 1953 7 1 - / o- f I 3’ ,/ )/ .4 4.- APproved dZEERCQjfi/fi 41JZ{¢%/PH’LL~J v.0 .I‘ I 'H', I I: t0 _,3 .ol‘. I0 mazes, 3;}; .: . .. - £113.:v» pm I c .. . Sn '1', [ 'o m, I I "r'c'. ..' ‘ C .‘ .. ..‘ l ' \ _: u, \ a. _ u Q . “ .' . . u ’u “. ' A .o ‘5' \ I I. ‘O'. 'D . \ ¢ A w . Q l I o A Study of the Methods, Aims, and Extent of Revision in Four Works of Current Non-Fiction This study of revisions was undertaken with the h0pe thatit would provide fresh techniques for use in college compo- Miion classes, suggestions for experimentation in teaching, and newihformation on writing problems in general. The project divided itself into three parts. First, it was necessary to analyze the revisions in the work drafts of current writers to determine what qualities of writing required revision, to what extent they required it, what methods the writers used to achieve those qualities, and how extensively the writers used the methods identified. Second, it was necessary to evaluate present methods and text-book recommendations in the light of the information the analysis sUpplied. Third, it Ins necessary to determine, through this appraisal, the value of the study in terms of the instructor, the student, and meth- ods of teaching. The material studied consisted of four original drafts showing the writers' revisions. Drafts of the following works were employed: Russel B. Nye, Midwestern Egggrgssivg_Politics (East Lansing [Mich.], 1951); Douglas S. Freeman, Lg; g L1g_- :fluumfij, II (New York, 1943); Ely J. Kahn, Jr., "Profiles,” The mm, XXIX (March 14, 1953), 36-58; MacKinlay Kantor, ”Dear Old Ghost of Mine,” ggqgigg, XXIV (Nov., 1945), 40-44, 171- 174. The material included the complete draft of Kantor's art- icle, and sections of the remaining writers' work. Before revision the drafts contained about thirty thousand words, and Herman R. Struck 1 fe \J 4" w ‘ s r: ,,_ a y} 1‘s about two thousand separate revisions, these ranging from single- word revisions to revisions of entire paragraphs. The changes made in the four drafts examined were analyzed in terms of their effects upon the writing, being classified under either "grammar and punctuation,” ”repetition,” "meaning," "coherence,” 'emphasis," 'concision,” "tone,” or ”unclassified.” Following classification, the total number of revisions compris- ing a single grOUp were noted; these were then studied to iden- tify, if possible, the techniques used to achieve the Specific quality being investigated. Then, in separate chapters, the patterns or lack of patterns in each writer's revisions were illustrated and discussed. Finally, identical categories among the writer‘s were compared. The study revealed that the writers revised extensively. In a second draft of originally 13,000 words, Nye made approxi- mately 850 revisions; Freeman, in a first draft of 6,700 words, about 240; Kahn, in a first draft of 6,000 words, about 430; Kantor, in a 4,600-word draft whose stage was unknown, also about 430 changes. The study also disclosed that as a group the writers revised chiefly to improve exactness of meaning, coherence, and emphasis; revisions of meaning far outnumbered other types, proving that transmitting precise meaning consti- tuted the writers' major problem. Numerous methods were iden- tified. Although most of these were methods recommended in current text books, a few were not; moreover, the study re- vealed the specific value of particular methods. After examining textbooks on rhetoric, the present writer I Herman R. Struck 2 e a I m I - . I J ‘ a . e I . > ' . 1 . I ‘r m , . - , -. t ‘ J, a n n w . e , a . ' . ’~ . w ‘J , ‘ ' I , - ~ ' v i t C u b T I I n l | ‘ I 5 \ . f m s I I ‘ L ’ D \ . ' n ‘ u . ‘ t . _1 5 ' u . L I - ‘ , V » . d...— - q...— concluded, on the basis of the extensive revision made in the drafts studied and the complexity of the methods employed, that revision was not sufficiently emphasized in current texts, and that they should be either rewritten with a more clear-cut recog- nition of the importance of revision than they now have, or SUp- plemented with a volume devoted exclusively to revision. Analysis of the findings in the study indicated that the writers' drafts could provide composition students with concrete proof of the.necessity for revision; that the traditional method of assigning frequent short themes should be replaced by the assigning of one or two long papers, around which the term's work would focus; that some of the material in the drafts could be utilized to teach methods. of achieving key qualities of writ- ing more efficiently and effectively than they are now taught. Hel‘man R. Struck 3 _A--—¥_ .v-. .-'."F"' “a. i— - «v... TABLE OF CONTENTS vit‘ O C C C O O O C O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O 11 Acknowledgements................... vi IntrOdUCtion O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O 0 O 0 Vii CHAPTER I A SECTION OF MIDWESTERN PROGRESSIVE POLITICS 1 1e D‘scription 0f Material 0 e e e e e e e e e e 1 2. Grammar and Punctuation . . . . . . . . . . . 2 3. Repetition . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6 4. Meaning . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 10 5. Coherence . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36 6. Emphasis . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 56 7. Concision . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 78 8. Tone . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 100 9. Unclassified . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 105 100 Summary Of Chapter e e e e e e e e e e e e e e 113 CHAPTER II A SECTION or LEE'S LIEUTENANTS . . . . . . 116 1. Description Of Material 0 o e e e e e e e e e 116 2' Grfilllllar 80d PUDCtuation e e e e e e e e e e e 117 3 Rep.t1t1°n e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e e 120 4e Nothing 0 O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O O 122 5. Coherence O O O O O O O O O O I O O 0 O O O C 140 iii CHAPTER 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. CHAPTER 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. a. 9. 10. CHAPTER 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. II (Continued) Empthis e e Concision . Tone e e e e Unclassified Summary of Chapter III Description of Material Grammar and Punctuation Repetition . Meaning . . Coherence . Emphasis . . Concision . Tone . . . . Unclassified Summary of Chapter IV A COMPLETE ARTICLE Description of Material Grammar and Punctuation Repetition . Meaning . . COherenc. e Emphasis . . iv FROM ESQUIRE A SECTION OF A NEW YORKEB ARTICLE Page 145 154 161 164 168 174 174 175 179 182 194 203 227 241 253 260 264 264 265 273 277 286 301 CHAPTER IV 7. 8. Tone . 9. 10. CONCLUSION . . Bibliography . Appendix A -- Draft of Midwestern Progressive Pglitics Appendix B -- Draft of £2.23 Lieutenagts Appendix C -- Draft of New Ygrkg; article Appendix D -- Draft of Esquire article Concision Unclassified (Continued) Summary of Chapter Page 320 328 333 337 342 376 ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS For assistance on this project, I am indebted to various peOple. I am eSpecially grateful to Miss Clara Laidlaw for suggesting the study, and to Mr. Robert Geist for valuable help during its production. Dr. Milosh Muntyan, my major professor, and Dr. Russel Nye gave constant consid- eration and aid. To Dr. Nye I owe special thanks for the loan of an early draft of W £99ng W. Mrs. Anne Alubowicz, of the library staff at Michigan State College, labored cheerfully and persistently to obtain books and manuscripts. The Public Library at Coral Gables, Florida, and the library of Mary Washington College made available various manuscripts. For his kindness in providing preparatory notes and drafts at considerable inconvenience to himself, I shall always be grateful to Mr- Ely J. Kahn, Jr., of the m 19313;. Thanks are extended also to Mrs. Claire Dunn, who typed the thesis, and to my wife, who rendered invaluable assist- ance throughout the work. H. R. 5. vi I NTRODUCTION The college teacher of expository writing has always sought to instill in his students a recognition of the im- portance of unity, coherence, and emphasis. Although these three qualities imply many consequent qualities, a glance at almost any standard writing text will illustrate the general agreement concerning the major goals in teaching expository composition. To attain his goals, the composition instructor uti- lizes various time-respected approaches and tools. He uses, first, weekly student themes. He notes in them errors in grammar, punctuation, and other mechanics, referring the student to a handbook which contains discussions of the errors committed. The handbook, a convenient reference, emphasizes mechanics. Second, the instructor has available to him texts on rhetoric. These advise the student on methods of achieving unity, coherence, and emphasis, and often illustrate their precepts by selections from student 01' Professional writing. Third, the instructor has, either 1r":01‘5301‘ated in the rhetorics mentioned or contained in a supplementary volume, a gI‘OUp of readings, which, again, may be the work either of talented students for of profes- slonal writers. These readings are used as models for the vii student to analyze and emulate. The above tools are supple- mented by a fourth -- the instructor's own critical sense, teaching skill, and ability to write, or perhaps rewrite. Utilization of these methods and means is traditional. In the hope that this traditional approach might be improved, the present writer proposed to examine these methods, ap- proaches, and tools in the light of an analysis of the actual revision techniques employed by current and competent writers of published non-fiction. It was hoped that the study would provide new approaches for teachers, fresh techniques in the classroom, suggestions for experimenta- tion, and new light on writing problems in general. The problem divided itself into three parts. First, it was necessary to analyze the revisions in the work drafts of current writers to determine what qualities of writing required revision, to what extent they required it, what methods the writers used to achieve those qualities, and how "t.““v'ly the writers used the methods identified. Second, it was necessary to evaluate present methods and text-book recommendations in the light of the information the analysis sopplied. Third, it was necessary to determine, through this appraisal, the value of the study in terms of the in- structor, the student, and methods of teaching. filmyetkunmu Previous studies of writers' revisions have differed viii sharply from the present one in subject matter or in pur- pose, or in both. The bulk of such work has been done in the field of poetry, though the revisions of a few novelists have been Or are being analyzed.1 These studies have sought primarily to determine the genesis of a particular poem, to illustrate a poet's care in selecting words, to analyze the change in style of an individual writer, or to identify alterations in plot and characters. The literary subject matter and intent of these studies, therefore, obviously differed greatly from the subject matter and aim of the present study, which analyzed ordinary factual prose and had a practical rather than a literary aim. For these reasons, such literary criticism has not been examined exhaustively; a brief discussion of some representative pieces, however, will illustrate their disparity and consequent lack of per- “MM? to the present study. A t)‘pical work is Tremaine McDowell's analysis of William Cullen Bryant's revisions,2 in which he set out to answer the questions ”How literally did [Bryant] adhere to fl" “9“ that poetry shall be written only when the poet's b I ROY“ A. Gettman, of the University of Illinois, has een working on the manuscripts of George Meredith for sev- gnl years, and Glendon Swarthout, of Michigan State College, ‘5 "““tly been studying the revisions of various British and American novelists, including Samuel Butler, Thomas “db sollel‘set Maugham, and Ernest Hemingway. 2 "Bryant's Practice in Composition and Revision,” EM. L11 (June, 1937), 474-502. ix lip quivers and his eye o'erflows; and how successfully did he revise?“3 In his article McDowell dealt with such matters as the growth of the conclusion of 'ThanatOpsis," Bryant's tendency to use 18th-century diction, and his success in correcting trite phrases and poor figures of speech. A much more general approach was used by Marguerite Wilkinson, in 111.1 My g1 Lh_e_ Makers (New York, 1925). Wilkinson made no detailed analysis of revisions; she was chiefly concerned with how poets receive inspiration for their work; Whitman's reliance upon emotion, for instance, was contrasted with Poe's reliance upon the intellect. A more thorough work on revision is Phyllis Bartlett's study of poets from Milton to Housman.4 Her approach was reminiscent of Wilkinson's, whose material she occasionally utilized; like Wilkinson, she was less concerned with speci- fic revisions than with the conception and growth of poems. Occasionally, however, she did analyze revisions in order to illustrate the laboriousness with which certain poets revised, and to point out their use of metaphor and physical detail. The dissimilarity of such work to the present study is repeated in the analyses of novelists' revisions. The crit- ics of Henry James' emendations, for instance, have studied 3mg” p. 500. 4 2.2.191- m nggggs (New York, 1951). W’" ”- his revisions to compare his early and late styles in re- spect to their degree of formality or informality, density or irrelevance, vagueness or concreteness; occasionally these critics used the changes to identify minute altera- tions in plot and character. F. 0. Matthiessen, by means of the revisions in 131.9. Portrait 1: a _l._a_d_y,5 discerned in the later James a more mature feeling for drama, an in— creased preference for colloquialisms, greater concreteness, and a heightened ”mm relevance."6 0n the other hand, Helene Harvitt, comparing the original and final editions of W 1331121157 found that James' later and more introspective style was "heavy, ambiguous, and sometimes almost impenetrable."8 Royal A. Gettman, who chose "to compare the first and final editions of mm with respect to prose style, characters, and plot and to deduce from the differences and from the Prefaces James's general theory of revisions,"9 reached much the same conclusions as did Matthiessen. These studies, it will be noticed, were 3 “The Painter's Sponge and Varnish Bottle: Henry James' Revision of lbs. mu 9.: a Lady.” __er.i_anm c Beek- m, I (1944), No.1, 49-68. 6 1211., pp. 50-55. 7 ”How Henry James Revised W m: A Study in Style," ELLA. xxxrx (1924), 203-227. 8 £21.51” P0 227' 9 ”Henry James's Revision of ILLS. W,“ am“. ”I” XVI (1945), 279-295. The quotation appears on p. 279, xi for the purpose of identifying specific stylistic traits of a single writer. Closer in subject matter to the present study of revi- sions than the previously discussed material, although no closer in purpose, are the studies on the prose of Abraham Lincoln. 0f the various analyses, Roy A. Basler's ”Abraham Lincoln's Rhetoric"10 resembled the present project slightly in respect to methods, in that it analyzed Lincoln's use of repetitive words and sounds, grammatical parallelism, and figures of speech. However, Basler's article was fundamen- tally an analysis of Lincoln's character and habits of thinking, the conclusions being based upon certain recurrent patterns in the writing. Revisions were used rarely, though Lincoln's changes in Seward's suggested speech for the “First Inaugural Address" were employed to illustrate the simplicity and force which Lincoln imparted to the original draft. A somewhat similar study, although less thorough and less concrete than Basler's, is Dodge's attempt to show how Lincoln's changing style reflected his broadening intellect and deeper sensibilities.11 This article also discussed re- visions only briefly. The work that resembles the present project most 10 m. £11., XI (1.939), 167-182. 11 Daniel Kilham Dodge, ”Abraham Lincoln: The Evolu- tion of his Literary Style,“ 11111121}; Unjyflfiny Sindhi, I (flay, 1900), “0.1, 1.58. xii closely in subject matter and purpose is Josephine Piercy's Mgdgtn 31.21.19.119. 31 119;]; (New York, 1930). Basically an an- thology of fictional and non-fictional pieces, her book was interesting from the standpoint of the present study primar- ily because it contains various authors' views on writing and brief descriptions of their methods of working. Their statements are contained in personal letters to Miss Piercy or in brief excerpts from previously published material. In addition to the authors' comments and selected essays and stories, the book includes an occasional single manu- script page of a writer's letter, showing his revisions. No analysis of the revisions was attempted, but by giving students an intimate contact with living writers, Miss Piercy haped to stimulate her students' interest in reading and motivate them to improve their own writing. material. 25.29. in 21119.33. may The material analyzed in the present study consisted of four manuscript drafts of non-fictional writing. The drafts represented four fairly distinct levels of writing: the first chapter of Russel B. Nye's Midwestern aggressive W,12 a semi-academic, somewhat informal political history; chapters twenty-two and twenty-three of the second volume of Douglas S. Freeman's Lfifi'fi W,13 a 15 (East Lansing [Mich.], 1951). 13 (1;... York, 1943). xiii scholarly military history; a section of an article pub- lished in the New Yorkgg, a magazine well-known for its smooth and clever prose;14 a complete draft of an article published in fisqgi;g.15 In their original form the drafts selected varied in length from about 4,600 words to about 13,000, and, together, contained about 30,000 words. As a group the manuscripts represented early stages of revision. Nye's manuscripts represented early stages of revision. Nye's manuscript was the second of five drafts; Freeman's was titled a first draft; Kahn's Neg Yorke; work was a first draft preceded only by extensive notes; the draft of Kantor's ggqgirg article, the stage of which was not determinable, may be a much-revised late draft. No late drafts were chosen because the ones inspected contained so few revisions that little information could have been gained from them. On the other hand, the diffi- culty of analyzing writing still in the organizational stage and the project's primary interest in the writing itself rather than in problems of organizing made it unwise to use any early drafts that contained extensive rearrangement of material. l4 Ely J. Kahn, Jr., “Profiles," Ngw Ygrkgr, XXIX (March 14, 1953), 36-58. 15 MacKinlay Kantor, ”Dear Old Ghost of Mine," _§ggi;g, xxxv (November, 1945), 40-41, 171-74. xiv Mb 21W Every revision was classified individually on the basis of the particular quality of writing the change affected. Eight major categories were used: (1) grammar and punctua- tion, (2) repetition, (3) meaning, (4) coherence, (5) empha- sis, (6) concision, (7) tone, (8) unclassified. The “grammar and punctuation” category included revi- sions of subject-verb disagreements, faulty parallelism, articles that did not agree in number with the nouns modi- fied, and punctuation changes made to conform to a Specific rule or to maintain a specific style of punctuation. Revisions classified under ”repetition" consisted only of those that were made, so far as could be determined, to avoid ineffective repetition. These included both exact repetitions and synonyms, but more often the former. Under ”meaning” were listed those revisions that altered the sense of the writing, either in a major or minor degree. These included changes that replaced one idea with an en- tirely different one, revisions that modified ideas slightly, and corrections of ambiguities and illogical statements. Revisions listed under ”coherence” consisted of changes that influenced in some way the reader's grasp of the rela- tionship between the ideas or actions presented. Some simply enabled him to understand a correlation or contrast more quickly than did the original passage; others supplied XV correlations or transitions that had been totally lacking. In the ”emphasis” group were revisions that increased, or occasionally decreased, the force of the writing. Such changes included deletions of qualifying words that weakened the writing; added information that reinforced or illustrated a point; rearrangements, such as re-paragraphing, that placed important material in a more advantageous position in a sentence or paragraph; and corrections of awkward and un- forceful rhythms.16 Under “concision,” three types of revisions were in- cluded: deletions of repetitious information, deletions of non-repetitious information, and changes that reduced the number of words in a passage but did not alter meaning. Under 'tone' were grouped those changes that altered the peculiar and personal quality which a writer imparts to his work. Tone, which may be said to represent a writer's mental and emotional attitude toward his subject, purpose, and reader, varies widely. It can range from seriousness to 16 On the significance of rhythm to emphasis, Abram Lipsky states: ”The effect of rhythm in language is to lock the parts together into a unity and thus to facilitate comprehension. It economizes attention, for it assists the reader in putting emphasis where it is due.” ['Rhythm as a Distinguishing Characteristic of Prose Style,” _;ghiyg§.g{ flyng, I (June, 1907), No.4, 41.] Similarly, Helen Griffith states: ”In rhythmic prose and in good writing generally, syllables phonetically strong ‘hold positions of logical and rhythmical importance.” Llimg m in 23.9.2.9. (Psychological Monographs, XXXIX, No.3, Albany, 1929), 80.] xvi whimsy, from cold irony to light satire. Through such means as a writer's selection of words, through his humor or seri- ousness, his formality or informality, his bias or objectiv- ity, an author reveals himself more or less clearly. Though this category is difficult to describe satisfactorily, the changes included in it were relatively easy to identify. "Unclassified” revisions were of three general types: corrections of mistakes made when the writer clearly wanted one word but wrote or typed another; revisions that did not seem to affect the writing in any manner; changes which affected rhythm or other qualities so slightly that it was impossible to classify them. A major characteristic of the last named type in some of the writers, and one that caused considerable frustration during analysis, was its tendency to improve the writing, but in such slight and varied ways that the quality affected could not be satisfactorily deter- mined. For example, one might decide first that the im- provement resulted from better rhythm; soon, however, he might feel that the improvement came from better logic; then he perhaps suspected that the revision was a trifle more concrete or specific than the original. When this sort of mental somersaulting was at all prolonged, no certain judg- ment could be made. Although classification was of course subjective, the subjectivity was constantly tempered by the necessity for xvii supplying tangible proof for assigning a revision to a par- ticular category. Classification was not remarkably diffi- cult in the majority of instances, although every writer made some revisions that were impossible to classify, and a considerable number had to be cross-classified. It is conceded, however, that the classifications used in this study were only relatively accurate. Revisions categorized only under "emphasis,” for example, were judged to have affected emphasis primarily; but the same revision could affect coherence or tone or other quality to some extent. The whole matter of interrelationship is an ex- tremely subtle and pervasive one that seems to stem from language itself, from the various connotations and denota- tions of words, from the variety of their effects upon a reader, and from the constant interplay of those effects. A single word -- for example, an adjective describing a person's character -- changed on one page can modify either slightly or drastically the effect of another descriptive passage about the same person occurring ten pages later. Again, a general lack of coherence in a piece of writing certainly decreases the over-all emphasis of the work. In fact, one can argue that incorrect grammar causes effects other than lack of clarity; he could argue, for instance, that poor grammar reduces the emphasis of the writing be- cause it distracts the reader. But all these facts merely xviii we demonstrate the wholeness of a piece of writing. And even though they illustrate that from a rigidly logical point of view all the categories used here were artificial, they were, at the same time, necessary, useful, and informative. M129. 9i 111.11.193.12 After individual changes were classified, each classi- fication group in a single writer's work was studied sepa- rately to discover if the changes making up the group re- vealed any consistent patterns of revision. An example of such a pattern was Nye's frequent deletion of articles. After the revision groups of each writer were studied, identical groups were compared; that is, the four ”grammar mulpunctuation" groups were compared, then the four ”repe- tition' groups, and so on. In this way, the writers' simi- larities and differences in technique were identified. mgwmwmwm n e The material of each writer was dealt with first in separate chapters, each chapter being composed of the eight categories listed earlier under ”Method of Classification” ('tone,' ”emphasis? and so on). At the beginning of each category the main subgroups of the category were listed. One or more examples illustrating each subgroup were cited and the examples discussed. The number of examples cited to illustrate a subgroup, xix in relation to»‘the total number of revisions that illustrated it, was roughly in the ratio of one to eight. In other words, for each example used, there were seven others that might also have been used. The only exceptions to this practice occurred in ”grammar and punctuation," which, be- cause of its lack of importance, was illustrated with fewer examples; in the subgroup "rhythm” (under ”emphasis"), and in ”tone," both of which were illustrated with more than the normal number of examples because of the subjectivity involved in classifying. After the subgroups of a category were illustrated and discussed, the important characteristics of the category were briefly summarized. Following the summary, all the revisions classified under that specific group were listed. After the presentation and discussion of all eight groups, the total findings on a single writer were summarized, this final summary containing the techniques considered im- portant. The implications of these findings for teaching composition were then discussed in the conclusion. Method g1 Id:fliii¥1fl9.fifli Recording In each example discussed in the text, the word or words revised are typed in capital letters for easy recogni- tion. Following these words, a notation in brackets identi- fies the revisions as a deletion, addition, substitution, or transposition. In changes involving only punctuation, the XX punctuation mark when added is also followed by a notation in brackets, and the mark is also named: ”and, [comma added]”; in substitutions, only the name of the punctuation mark is used: ”and, [semicolon substituted]." An exception to this method occurs in the handling of dashes and exclamation points; it was not considered necessary to name these; they are, of course, followed by the type of revision involved. A second exception occurs in changes that include both punc- tuation and words; for the sake of clarity, the punctuation mark and word or words are underlined: ”the work, AND [de- leted].' Each example is followed also by the page and line number in parentheses. Thus a quotation followed by (36:2) is on page 36, line 2 of the manuscript. When the material is on two lines, the information is listed as (36:2,3); when it is on three or more lines, the recording is (36:3-5) or (36:3-8), and so on. When the quotation is from two differ- ent pages, the two number groups are separated by a semi- colon: (36:27; 37:1). Since two of Freeman's chapters were used, in the section dealing with his work the recordings (65,1:2) and 66,1:2) are employed, the first number referring to the chapter.17 The few additions which the writers I7 These chapter numbers are the ones Freeman used originally; they were used in recording in preference to the published chapter numbers in order to avoid confusion with page numbers. As stated earlier, chapters 65 and 66 make»up chapters 22 and 23 of volume two of the published works xxi inserted on backs of pages are identified by (b) following the page number; for example, 2(b) in (65,2(b):2) refers to such a page. This notation should not be confused with 23, which indicates a regular page so numbered by the author. At the end of each category are all the revisions clas- sified under that heading, listed under the various types of changes, such as additions, deletions, substitutions, transpositions, and miscellaneous (any combination of the foregoing). In ”Substitutions," the original word or pas- sage is given first and separated from its replacement word by two sets of colons, as in the following: Midwest :: Midwestern. The revisions that are cross-classified are indicated by superscript, lower-case letters; 2 refers to grammar and punctuation, ; to repetition, m to meaning, 2 to coherence, ‘g to emphasis, 3; to concision, 1 to tone. Appendices Complete cepies of each draft studied, with the pages and lines numbered, are included. To facilitate examination of them, the cepies are bound separately and are removable. Appendix A contains Nye's draft; Appendix B, Freeman's draft; Appendix C, Kahn's draft; Appendix D, Kantor's draft. xxii CHAPTER I A SECTION OF MIDWESTERN PROGRESSIVE POLITICS 1. Description of Material The material analyzed in this chapter was the second draft of the opening chapter of Russel B. Nye's Migwgstgrg 231911an m, a history of the Midwest's political movements from 1870 to 19.50.1 The chapter sUpplied the reader general knowledge of the region, such as its physi- cal characteristics, the cultural and economic influences which the East had upon it, its agricultural and industrial development, and its patterns of thinking. The draft contained approximately eight hundred and fifty revisions. During revision about a thousand of the original thirteen thousand words were deleted. Most of the changes revised only single words, phrases, and sentences; on only three occasions were entire paragraphs deleted or added. Hence the organization of the draft was left largely intact. The extensive revision and the numerous revision methods employed in the draft made it ideal mate- rial for this project. For the material cited in this chapter the reader is I The manuscript was obtained from Mr. Nye. referred to Appendix A. 2. Grammar and Punctuation The group of revisions made to correct grammatical structure and to conform to normal punctuation require- ments was a small one of thirty-five changes. Samples: (1) (2) (3) The apparent unity of the group, partially imposed by the pattern of its history AND [added] settle- ment, AND ADMISSION TO THE UNION [deleted] is an illusion, for the area is obviously divided and redivided into smaller units. (3:16-18) The change results from the deletion of eng .1ggieeien.12 Ihfi union and the subsequent shift- ing of egg. ALL THIS MADE [deleted] the Midwest farmer a huge producer, FOR THOUGH THE NATIONAL POPULATION MORE THAN DOUBLED IN THE FORTY YEARS AFTER THE WAR, HE [deleted] grew enough by 1900 not only to feed the nation but had millions of tons left over for export. (9:16-19) The deletion of he results because fermee, at first the object of the verb, becomes the subject during the revision. Its demands for changes in the established system stemmed from attem ts to eradicate A [deleted] special GRIEVANCE [GRIEVANCES substituted] -- com- mission government, direct primaries, . . . or ownership of utilities. (13:20-24) The deletion of‘e results from the conversion of ggiexenee to the plural gxievaneee. Eummarv Changes made for grammatical reasons seemed wholly insignificant. About half of them were secondary changes; that is, they stemmed from changes in other words. The remaining revisions were traceable either to mental slips resulting in incorrect grammar or to the desire to follow a customary pattern, such as using 1391 before the final element of a series of three or more elements. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. List of Revisions Aeditions and and and were and with or time and We; and he The West a have and do and who to the Sebegigueione Page:line 3:14 3:17 7:8 7:10 22:23 26:27 27:7 35:19 36:17 3:14 9:18 13:14 13:22 15:14 19:13 24:27 27:21 28:26 6:29 Wm (cont'd) 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. ll. 12. l3. 14. it as them grievance :: grievances fields :: field railroads ::. railroad these :: which reward :: rewards anything :: nothing a :: an their :: its were :: was were :: in who, pointing :: pointed its :: their W None 1. 2. 3. Miscellaneous the [deleted, then added] who [added, then deleted] and [deleted, then added] 9:14 13:22 15:19 20:22 23:2 24:7 25:19 26:9 26:23 27:8 27:13 27:21 30:22 24:23 24:26 29:11 3. Repetition Another extremely small number of changes were made to avoid repeating a previously used word or phrase. Samples: (1) (2) (3) From them came such things as workmen's compensa- tion, child and female labor laws, conservation programs, unemployment COMPENSATION [deleted] insurance . . . and the like. (l4:27,28; 15:1,2) In this sentence eempeneegioe is used earlier. The wheat farmer of the Dakotas Minnesota, and Kansas faced the worst PROBLEM SITUATION substi- tuted]. (11:29; 12:1) ‘Egebleme is used previously in lines 14, 22, 24, and 26 of page 11. The slogan ”Vote the way you shot” carried weight in those new states that sent tr00ps South in 1861, and the G.A.R. had strength enough to keep even strongly disaffected states like Iowa, Minne- sota, and Wisconsin in the party column during periods of STRONG [deleted] agrarian unrest. (16:9-12) Sizengly, it will be noted, appears earlier in the same sentence. Summary The problem of undesirable repetition was for this writ- ‘1 hardly even a minor concern. The few revisions made to aV010 such repetition indicated, of course, an awareness of theproblem. But the problem was apparently much less acute fmrhim than for the student writer, possibly because he gwssessed a more extensive vocabulary and certainly because -.&f‘ . O ' Ea-~ C00. .1 ., , I. :1 he used repetition for positive reasons far more avoided it for negative ones. As later sections Nye»employed repetition to increase emphasis and The important fact is that Nye repeated only key phrases. than he will show, coherence. words and List of Revisions None Aleutian: l. a feeling [see.£eeling, line 10] 2. of the tariffs [see‘1e;L£1, line 14] 3. compensation [no meantime. 11m 27] Wins. 1. raised :: grew [we brought H mm. 11n- 20] 2. brought :: raised [an problems n anemone. line 20] 3. problems :: questions [”0 mm N am. line 18] 4° problems :: difficulties [see pgeblmle, lines 14,24,26] 5' Problem :: situation [see pm, 11:14,22,24,2o] 6. of :: in [see 21.112.19.111: same line] 7. period :: age [see pegieg, line 12] 8. ty e :: variety [see type, line 24] 9. by :: through [see by, line 13] Page:1ine 8:11 11:15 14:28 9:18 9:20 9:20 11:22 12:1 15:26 19:17 23:26 24:14 pus ' emu" fl I". " le'sl - I i I . , . 1:: . ' * " i. o 1 O f. .I m '1 ,1 O { ~ ' a; ‘ 'ee.§ D e .35 1 Q ' I C . e O c s I Q. l ‘-E‘ .. I I ‘ ’ ' 0 a9. ‘7 ".J I e O s9 ‘ e . . . .1. O I 0 ‘ O I , e . O r a O . . p . O O - O munitions. (cont'd) 10. early breed :: pioneers [set based. 24:23] 11. things :: cherished principles :: things [800 principln. line 1] 12. produced :: shaped [900 predused. 11m! 9] 13. others to deny :: some a denial of9 m [see‘12.11ny, line 14] WW 1. strong [see addition of egeengly, line 11] 2. perfectly :: ideally [see addition of pezfeetly, line 14] 3. complainers :: malcontents [see deletion of neleengenle, line 20] 4. they :: businessmen [see earlier deletion of businessmen, line 12] 5. current [add-d. 8" H characteristic. later in line 29 25:4 27:3 29:10 34:13 16:12 19:14 27:29 30:12 33:29 10 4. Meaning The group of revisions in which Nye altered meaning was a large one of over three hundred changes which sharply exemplified the constant effort he exerted to transmit his ideas as precisely as possible. In Nye's work, this effort was evinced in numerous ways, such as in establishing the time element more exactly; in correcting ambiguity and poor logic; in replacing one idea with another; in limiting or extending existing ideas and information.2 5 The words ligfiijng and ezleeeing are important here because of their relation to the terms epeeifle and 9%, smiths usual association 0f.§P££1£i£ with accuracy and gen- euuhwith vagueness. In the above preface to this group of rudsions, the words‘epeeifie and geeeeal were avoided in Preference to pm. This term was chosen because, alUmugh a person normally associates revisions with increased Spuuficity or concreteness or ”accuracy,” some of the revised Ptatements in this group became more general rather than more 8PMnfic or concrete. Yet it cannot be said -- and this is thapoint of the discussion -- that these general statements al‘oless accurate or less precise than the original passages. 50 far as accuracy is concerned, 1pm and 9m are not °PPosing terms; the general statement, in one situation, may “ates accurately represent a writer's ideas as a more Spe- chfic statement does in another situation. This unity of the “Dsupposedly opposed terms is based on the simple fact that “91wader, if he has only the author's writing for a guide, calistate the author's ideas more accurately than the author imself states them. Hence even when a writer uses a rela- tively more ”vague“ statement, it must be assumed that that Statement more accurately represents his thought than a “Spe- ufic' statement. The following example illustrates the pOINte Davis' remark typified the point of view responsible for much of the EASTERN [PAST AND PRESENT substituted] mis- ‘ae. 11 Time The time element was revised chiefly by changing tense and supplying or changing dates. Although tense changes were numerous and made Up of a variety of tense forms, they consisted primarily of changes from the simple present tense to the simple past and from the present perfect to the simple past. These two tense changes were numerically almost equal. Samples (tense): (1) But like many undoubtedly valid statements, his IS [WAS substituted] much easier to prove than to define. (2:3,4) (2) If no leader or figurehead APPEARS [APPEARED sub- stituted], the movement PROCEEDS [PROCEEDED sub- stituted] without one, as did the Grange and the Farmer's Alliance. (14:13,l4) (3) Composed on the one hand of Eastern settlers and their descendants, and on the other of immigrants \h understanding of the region and of the men and ideas it produced. (636-8) Eastern is more Specific, in the usual conception of that ten“ than pagt.ang p sen , because Eastern restricts misun- erStanding to a particular region, while past and present does “0t. But the general phrase may be more accurate -- and prob- ablyis -- for the very fact that it is more inclusive; it is difificult to imagine, for example, that the misunderstanding y°fthe West (the region referred to) was confined to the East. 'nm South, which was settled before the West, probably also miumderstood the West. 80 Eastern may be totally inaccurate. Itis for this reason that in the following discussion, spe- flfic will refer to restriction, to narrowing a meaning or idea. General will refer to extension, or broadening of an idea or its application. But both types of statements, it will be assumed, are made to increase accuracy. (4) (5) (6) 12 ‘firom Northern EurOpe, its patterns of political thinking ARE [WERE substituted] often confused. (1681-3) Spreading from a point outward after 1870, dimin- ishing in force as it encountered increased resist- ance from adjacent and politically different areas, so-called Midwestern ”radicalism” (or ”insurgency" or “progressivism") HAS MADE ITSELF FELT [BECAME A REAL FORCE substituted] in American political life. (1333-6) Midwest politics HAS BEEN [WAS substituted] consist- entlE socialized politics -- that is, politics which HAS deleted] attempted to give government some systematic control over the economic and social life of the peeple. (14:18-20) Midwest olitics, perhaps more than any other, HAS [deletedfi attempted from the beginning to adjust overnment to the needs of the peeple . . . . 1532-6) Simple present to simple past tense changes (examples 1 to 3) seem to stem from the historical nature of Nye's subject. Nye is constantly discus- sing various movements in American political his- tory, and he carefully indicates that certain statements apply only to certain periods in the past. Possibly, also, some of the original present tenses result because the writer slips into the his- torical present, a form which such material could easily encourage. The present perfect to simple past changes are naturally somewhat more refined than the simple present to simple past tense changes, though basi- fit} (a 13 cally'Nye's motivation seems identical in both types. In changing the present perfect to the simple past form he avoids saying that the action still continues; by using the simple past he indi- cates, instead, that the action began in the past and was completed in the past. Hence in both sub- groups he carefully restricts his statements to the past. The thoroughness of Nye's revisions of tense shows nothing especially significant beyond the obvious fact that correct tense is essential to accuracy, and that Nye gives careful attention to it. The time element was also carefully identified by means ofdates and other indications of time. Samples (dates); (1) The Opening of the great iron and capper ranges, the deveIOpment of cheap lake transportation, and the ex anding network of rail lines AFTER 1860 [added made the region a semi-agricultural, semi- industrial area like no other part of the nation . . e e (4313’17) (2) The staid.Qenerseatienalist.Eeeerd of Boston spoke in 1900 of the ”dangerous characters of the inflam- mable and covetous West,” while Lyman Abbott com- plained LATER [added] of the Western ”medicine man” who set up his campaign tent to hawk ”one medicine which will cure all the ills to which humanity is subject.” (6:13-17) (3) So there remained in the region, UNTIL RECENT TIMES [added], an apologetic air of colonialism. (7:25) 14 (4) The real attitude of LATE 19TH CENTURY [added] business was Hamiltonian . . .t. (19:19-22) (5) The laissez-faire theories of Adam Smith and the economists were well enough in the books, but the slogan of "free enterprise and individualism" that had grown naturally out of the 18th century no longer fitted the new 19TH CENTURY INDUSTRIAL [added] economy. (20:6-9) These revisions inform the reader that a state- ment or discussion applies to a particular period. In a few sentences, such as the last two, such time revisions also help maintain continuity. All these revisions affecting time, however, increase preci- sion by narrowing the time element. AMUsulty Only rarely did Nye have to revise to correct ambigui- ties or illogical meanings. Samples: (1) The Eastern idea of the Midwest was that OF A [IT (2) wAs A soar OF substituted] spiritual and cultural desert . . . . (5:29; 6:1,2) ’ The original is obviously not what Nye means, because it states that the Eastern idea itself is a spiritual and cultural desert. It was only logical for rival firms, instead of ruining each other in wasteful price wars, to JOIN AND [deleted] split up the market . . . . (20:12-15) Here failure to revise would have left the illog- ical statement ”to join . . . up the market." (3) The extent of a farmer's difficulties naturally 15 depended on the type of farming he did and the area in which he did it. Different portions of the Midwest, raising different cash crops, did not always agree upon THEM OR THEIR SOLUTIONS [WHAT THEIR PROBLEMS WERE OR HOW TO SOLVE THEM substituted]. (11:22-24) The lack of immediate clarity in the original results from the vagueness of hem, due to its extreme distance from gifiigulties and its close- ness to 2:291- Another ambiguity is caused by ythgiz, which can be thought to apply to farmers of the different portions of the Midwest as well as to gujjjggliigg, the real antecedent. Bsnhuuasn1.ei.ldsis A large group of revisions replaced one idea with another. Most of these occurred with nouns. Samples: (1) The cpening of the great iron and capper ranges, <2) (3) (4) the PROXIMITY [DEVELOPMENT substituted] of cheap lake transportation, and the expanding network of rail lines after 1860 made the region a semi-agri- cu1tur81 e e e CICa e e e e (4113-17) Not until the late nineteenth century did the Mid- west begin to feel itself a re ional entity, and then it occasionally SUFFERED [SQUIRMED substituted] under the attacks of New Yorkers Bostonians, and NATIVES [EXPATRIATES substituted] such as Ed Howe, Sinclair Lewis, and Glenway Westcott. (5:26-29) Easterners often looked at it as a sort of spirit- ual and cultural desert, a barren ground of deso- late dullness and bucolic SENSITIVITY [IGNORANCE substituted]. (5:29; 6:1,2) The Harvard or Bowdoin graduate, lost in the vast prairie with a one-room school, a farmer's journal, F] 16 and an itinerant lecturer for intellectual stimu- lation, might fondly remember the gentler and far more civilized culture he had known -- a FEELING [RECOLLECTION substituted] never quite forgotten no matter how swiftly the Midwest progressed. (8:4-8) (5) The Darwinian point of view seeped into the think- ing of peeple who had never read Darwin or Spencer, but who found in the atmosphere of contemporary ideas a satisfactory explanation of the DICHOTOMY [CURRENT CONTRAST substituted] between spiritual ideals and social practices. (33:27-29) These changes indicate that a writer continually strives to identify in his own mind his real mean- ing, and they emphasize the effort required to transmit that meaning. Sensitivity (example 3), for instance, has a meaning completely different from.1gng;angg, which replaces it. Often an origi- nal and presumably inaccurate word such as sensitiy- 11y stems from the general context of a preceding discussion; the discussion immediately preceding gggggttxity, for example, stresses the Midwest's self-consciousness (see Appendix A, 5:23-29). Such inaccuracies illustrate how association may seri- ously hamper preciseness, and they underscore the necessity for revision. L Mum By far the largest group of revisions affecting meaning "an those that limited or extended existing ideas or infor- mation. ~ / 17 Samples: (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8) (9) What he referred to was the TRADITION OF REVOLT [POLITICAL CONTENTIOUSNESS substituted] that seemed to permeate the settler as soon as he crossed the outer fringe of settlement, a tradition OF INDE- PENDENCE [added] that stretched unbroken from the farmers of Shays to Sockless Jerry Simpson, Ignatius Donnely, Bryan, and Old Bob LaFOllette, the Spirit that raised more hell than corn in Kansas in the eighties and dumped milk in the nineteen-thirties. (2:8-13) Ohio, Michigan, Illinois and to a lesser extent Indiana became offensive outposts for an eXpanding Eastern industrialism, and defensive forts of a LOSING [SHRINKING substituted] Western agrarianism. (4:22-24) The settler IN OHIO & MICHIGAN AND ILLINOIS [added] established a New England town with its square or common e e e e (534-6) Still the influence of the East remained STRONG [added] on the settler in the Midwest. (5:14,l5) Kansas and Nebraska once went nearly a year and a half without APPRECIABLE [MEASURABLE substituted] rain. (10:1,2) - ”I cannot recall,” said one editor in summarizing the FARMER'S [added] general attitude, ”another conSpiracy in the history of mankind quite equal in colossal and criminal Splendor to the profound and universal plot of Wall Street . . . .' (12:15-19) The ECONOMIC [added] thinkers of the pre-Civil War period erected the principle into a shrine. (19:12,13) All this, said Andrew Carnegie, was ”triumphant democracy,” concrete proof of the tremendous eco- nomic energy of DEMOCRACY [LAISSEZ-FAIRE CAPITAL- ISM substituted]. (23:3,4) Of this $1.60 represented the cost of production and tranSportation, ROUGHLY [added] 50¢ went to Rockefeller (who leased the land), 25% to Williams (who owned the land), 35¢ to the mining company, _-r— (10) (11) (12) 18 and one cent to the state as tax. (24:15-17) Joe Leiter once actually entered into negotiations for the purchase of the Great Wall of China, whereas "Bet-You-A-Million” Gates introduced $150,000 antes TO POKER [IN POKER CIRCLES substi- tuted]. (25:1-3) THE FARMER [PEOPLE substituted] listened to press and pulpit and business . . . . (26:26-28) Spencer and his followers, applying Darwinism t0 PREVAILING HUMAN [CONTEMPORARY SOCIAL AND ECONOMIC substituted] institutions, found that it fitted them admirably. (31:23-25) Most of these changes, it will be noted, limit ideas. For instance, political contentiousness (example 1)..in.Qbie.§.Miebisan.aed.lllieeis (3). farmer's (6), and sogial gag egonomig (12), narrow Iliilli2£.91.££lfllie.§£1112£:.1l£1£2119 and.lflil_' tgtigng. All of these practice the Classroom admonition to be concrete. On the other hand, the substitution of Eggplg for 111mg; (11) is clearly a change from the Specific to the general, from exclusion to inclusion. Yet an examination of the entire paragraph (see Appendix A, 26:22-29; 27:1-14) shows, even to a person without intimate knowledge of the subject, that in this context Eggplg is more accurate than farmer. The conclusion is that a writer, in his search for accuracy, does not always aim for Specificness or concreteness, as those terms are usually interpreted, though he usually dOCSe 19 Summary In his numerous revisions that changed the meaning Of the writing, Nye used many Of them to identify the time element more exactly. This was accomplished by frequent tense changes and by revisions and additions of dates. However, Nye's care with time is probably traceable to his subject. His book is a history that necessarily deals fre- quently with dates. Moreover, since the particular chapter studied was the Opening one which briefly presented events and influences that occurred over a long period, the fre- quency Of revisions involving time is probably not unusual. For these reasons, Nye's concern with time cannot be regarded as eSpecially significant. Second, it was rarely necessary for Nye to correct ambiguous or illogical statements. Third, in a large number of his revisions Of meaning, N)" replaced an original idea with a totally different one. Ma'W 0f the rejected passages indicated that inaccuracy Often stemmed from the preceding material. Apparently the ideas disc\lssed earlier continued to influence the writer, weaken- ing his grasp on later ideas. The pressure from this residue 0f ideas probably varies with different individuals, but r99ardless Of the variation, the presence of such pressure testifies to the necessity of revising. Fourth, by far the largest number of Nye's changes I! O» a :e a 20 altered existing ideas by limiting or extending their meaning, ‘Hw former being the most frequent. Most of Nye's modifica- tnms Of meaning narrowed the ideas; a few, however, broadened an idea. As a group these revisions demonstrated that exactness cuibe a major problem for a writer. Moreover, they SUpplied clear proof that even a practiced writer can have the accuracy oftus ideas seriously marred by association. h fie. I.. -e 'l- in 1. 2. a. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. is, 17, la, 19. 20. 21. List Of Revisions Additigns always' Of independence have after 1860 -edge in Ohio & Michigan and Illinois strong it was a sort of later soon Their foundings until recent times, an during Reconstruction the simple [...] system 0f climate had pay Old debts to live values aoret extent Of a 21 Page:line 2:5 2:10 3:6 4:14 4:25 5:4 5:15 6:1 6:15 6:23 7:15 7:25 9:4 9:21 10:1 10:20 10:26 10:27 10:27 11:20 11:22 Mm (cont'd) 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33. 34. 35. 36. 37. as. 39. 4o. 41. 42. 43. 44. 45. 46. farmer's Of the national economy regular after 18706 one at a time certain always' always. governmental government to still. strongly° to new conditions economic perhaps late 19th centuryc an industrial prOphetically 19th century industrialc it was a logical the develOpment business man roughly circles probably practicing 22 12:16 12:19 12:24 13:3 14:1 14:9 14:22 14:22 15:3 15:11 16:11 16:19 19:12 19:16 19:20 19:21 19:22 20:9 21:3 21:10 23:19 24:16 25:3 26:18 27:1 7, l\ 4' .4 23 5mm (cont'd) 47. American 27:4 48. of then 27:5 49. company 27:7 50. fair 27:14 51. .110 28:11 52. the growth of 29:12 53. consummate ‘ 29:17 54. politicalc 29.17 55. to democracy 29:23 56. to either‘ 30:2 57. with cash 30:6 58. from the bosses 30:13 59. usually 30:15 60- pepularc 31:5 61. seriously' 31:8 62° lost Of the social 32:16 63‘ Senator. 32:17 (“'- already. 33:8 21.111.19.115. 1~ felt 4.17 2. admitted 5.25 3. more 6:5 4. close 7:9 5. early 8:3 seal '! nu. ' cw 't 3“ 40 6M (cont'd) > ‘01 f-consciousness 8. llbases of 9. b“ 10 ”01:1 (scablyo 11 11. '5 h 12. as has 13. bur...- 14‘ has 15, "V9 lutionary 16. 30a 9 17. alw‘ y ‘g 18‘ j“ 3". and 19. f" h is payment 20. ear 1 y 21' bu‘ i h 038 ML tag 22. 9 “‘1 h 1: ing 23' a. h' 7' $3“? {$5 trunn- 26 ' “ad 2" ' “ho 1 Q qfi ”VA 24 8:8 8:10 13:5 13:6 14:3 14:19 14:22 14:25 15:3 15:7 16:17 19:9 20:13 22:17 23:9 26:12 28:2 29:25 30:6 30:16 33:9 35:4 36:19 I. §ub§111utigg§ Q. Is :: was 3 Protested :: protests O b q. as :: became tradition of revolt :: 5 pa Jitical contentiousnesse O the 6. :: a 7 that tradition :: the spirit 1‘ 8 : was 8, 1 ‘ a: : was 9. 1 s a: : was 10. a ‘ 8 the 1 . 1 It i s agreed :: They agree 12' doe :- 1 y :: often 13. ““6 1vided :: divided and re-divided 140 bond 3 :: affinities 15. ch.:"—‘tiacteristic :: regional 16' took up :: went into 17. Proximity :: develOpment 8 ted ‘1: o the creation of :: made the region 1 0 19' “tuation :: area 0"“ S t ed : : worked 0 0 ’2 “‘th :: settlements 7} 1°‘1n9 :: shrinking fl' the a s a O 23 4:)" Practice Of the :: 2" the cracker-barrel practice of a 25 2:4 2:6 2:8 2:9 2:10 2:12 2:13 2:16 2:18 2:19 2:27 3:10 3:18 3:23 4:1 4:8 4:14 4.14,15 4:16 4:16 4:18 4:23 5:4 5:11 *e 61. a t 3" I” s QM (cont'd) 90th Of which changed his practices :: '26 and evolved new agricultural methods 2) “‘01 ted for the :: subscribed to 28 Older settlements :: East 29.. suffered :: squirmede 30 "at: 1 yes :: expatriates 31: 9f a a it was a sort of 32 Sen 8 1 tivity :: ignorance 3 ° 53s t eJ-n :: past and present 3' net 1 cmal 11f. :: politics 34' the :L r cohorts :: William Jennings Bryan 35° "P I... 1 ed :: complained :: remarked 36. m 1 solated :: 37o 1" a e: 3‘ may have been current 38- in =3 : by 39. 9.1;“ ape irremovably fixed in the region's :: Q h sistently coloring Midwesternc 40. {"1 1ng :: recollection "if ‘ conscious inferiority z: 41‘ - II. f-consciousness 6““ 8 :: settlements 42‘ t0 fisone extent :: alwaYso A9' 1)“? changed :: Contact A" t ,rocs :: change U ‘6 ’,cree :: areas ‘6' gr°P8 :: seed 47’ 26 5:13 5:16 5:25 5:28 5:28 6:1 6:2 6:7 6:12 6:13 6:17 6:21 6:25 7:20 8:1,2 8:7 8:8 8:12 8:18 8:25 9:4 9:7 9:15 ——————‘ 27 s 6 4M (cont'd) 0 $1 zoable amount :: millions of tonse 49 O 50 Gppreciable :: measurable 9f a: s in 51. Pro 3. ing among :: serious of 52. Perh amps :: probably 53, b ec ‘me :: were 54‘ “P o rtant too to the Midwest farmer were :: Th em: there was the whole matter of 55. Mt :: shaped 56. "n t :: sold 57. ‘Me I‘lworrill Act of 1862 with its protectionist 901 2‘. cy :: T e protectionist policy of the tariffs of *— h e 1862 and 1864 acts 580 in 1890 :: in the 80's 9. thO 1 :2: problems or their solutions :: 5 "'h at their problems were or how to solve t;7-P1ltmmmfl= arc: 60' ‘IF3 :: market 61' d'anded Upon :: seemed to stem from 6¢' “Om from Eastern control :: .‘nfinate from the East 63. "‘“1ng :: including 6" fum‘: and the worker :: Midwestc °° 6b. .V1nc.d 88 CkCtCth I (,6- i“f1\lence' :: “educate" 67' 1‘ ‘ 8 was \ 68- “ad. irtself felt :: became a real force 9:19 10:2 10:3 10:8 10:9 10:15 10:25 10:28 11:13 11:15 11:16 11:24 12:4 12:10 12:10 12:11 12:19 12:20 12:25 13:3 13:5,6 28 Mien; 69. (cont'd) 7O. has been :: was 13:10 71. h’grants :: early settler 13:15 72 ‘has been :: was 13:16,l7 . The variations from the established system it den - nded :: I t s demands for changes in the established 3 y 8 tom 13:20,21 73' "or . deliberate and conscious :: stemmed from 13:21 74' In - ddition, the reforms it asked lay for the nos t part :: T h its: too it asked for reforms“ l3:25,26 75. deal a nded :: asked 13:26 76. 1‘" ‘2 been :: were 13:26 77. has been :: was 13:28 78- 1‘“ ‘ lso been historically :: was always“ ““ 14:5 79. ”a 1 n mind :: asked for 14:10 80' “‘3 been :: was 14:11 81' 1"“ come :: came 14:12 82' “Pp-ars :: appeared 14:13 83' 9r° c=¢Imds :: proceeded 14:13 8" can 8: could 14:15 85' are 8: were 14:16 86' "pr-8ent :: represented 14:17 81' “u bcen :: was 14:18 38- eMW’QI'I'ts :: contented 14:21 39. Gh‘rtc :: charted 14:23 90- 1“" been :: were 14:25 S "6. 91 titutions (cont'd) C 92 Comes :: came . to s : during 93. 9 Ore. :: have been 4. °pportunistic :: great 95. he; been :: was 9 . 6 d1: - ctness in protecting :: c: 2.. -ar and direct desire to protect 97- "mt ed :: asked for 980 11" been :: was 99. '1‘. :: were 100‘ 1‘" Sprung :: sprang 101. Easi‘filt: :: South 102. 010 :3 ing of the West and :: disappearancecc 103. “E 1'" 1cu1ties :: complexities 4. “4;" heart of the Midwestern problem in the 1° “ r1 - teenth and earlier twentieth :: 1e primary problem of America after 1865cc 109' in. " °f 06' by ‘3'k>taining a fair share of the resources and 1 “‘Eketing them in some form. :: t? obtaining and marketing a fair share of h- land and its products. 101‘ n. I: had always been :: was 108- “ting :: deriving 109- “‘1‘ :: experience ‘10. “tarimarily as a :: 0 theory as a convenientc ‘ 111- ‘uppOrt :: confidence 29 14:27 15:3 15:14 15:15 15:17 15:18 15:21 15:28 16:3 16:7 16:10 16:19 16:24 16:29; 17:1 17:25,26 17:27; 19:1 19:9 19:10 19:11 19:19 19:27 m 11 (cont'd) 9. 113 businesses :: business areas 114. bag; :: became thi. s :: such 115. 18 8 : was 115. day? :: youth 1 17' 'I-r :: knew 118. Ian c: polistic corporations :: i. ndustrial Juggernauts' 119. Po‘ .3 casing :: retaining 120- “1‘ 1 ts especial adaptation :: b 1. cause it especially adapted 121. lab I: Qts :: profits 122, Pm‘ f -ctly :: very well indeedt chi. 123. as :: that 12‘. 1° control :: controlling roughly 5° 1'“- :: its basic 12 6' “p 1 icated the process :: 12 f O llowed it fairly closely 1, 1'“- cherubic :: a shrewdt ;2 126. °f the company :: under Morgan 129. b" interlocking :: interlocked 130' £01 “1‘- .11 paralleled by :: lowed the pattern and so didt 131- it ‘.8 :: concrete 132° da°°racy :: laissez-faire capitalism 133. W“ 11'. :: had visualized it 30 20:4 20:10 20:23 21:2 21:7 21:8 21:9 21:12 21:14 21:15 21:23 22:1 22:5 22:11 22:13,14 22:14 22:15 22:19 22:24 23:3 23:4 23:8 31 M 13 (cont'd) 4 O Occumulated great implication :: 135 grow sterner 23:11 136 Sterner :: more urgent 23:11 13 . Visualize :: think of 23:12 7. i t: entacle :: with tentacles 23:12 138. Oco nonic dictatorship imp1icit in the rise of big business :: " b1 9 business” as a threat to political and a n d economic democracy 23:22 139. with :: in 24:1 140. Plh 2‘— “ 1y disastrous :: invite disaster 24:5 141. ”‘9 .3 - :: such 24:20 2. '1‘“ IL ived his business to the full :: 14 o f the struggle of the fittest in business 24:24,25 143, P"..— r :: c00peration 25:8 1‘” 116 - :: existence 26:8 ‘5. 0"" 1 ran-ent :: development 26:24 1 ‘6' find ing realization :: being realized 26:25 1 ‘1, Th- farmer :: Peeple°° 26:26 1 it 1“a. “O“bQQan to be apparent that they possessed Q ‘oflle‘:ondered if they really possessed any 27:2 1“9. that :: The 27:4 12,0. c1.‘1‘1y :: clear 27:8 ‘51- “‘d a : amidst 27.19,2o ‘52- had n01; yet found :: could not find 27:20 ‘53. “‘9 :: need. 27:25 15“ ‘1‘ ‘ ‘ "1‘9 27.25 8 1M (cont'd) 5 156 ”19111: be :: was 157. Is a : was 15 complainers :: malcontents 3. Parade of :: industrial 159 ' 8tr e as of economic :: fierceness of‘:c 16 0' l ‘ t ate of affairs that produced :: witnesscc 151- no s : little 162. int: -rests :: affairs 163. i b «.- rmeficent set of laws :: one kind of law“ 164. "3 t rictive or regulative legislation :: h h (:pthercc 165' "‘3 VII-Cr :: man thine 166' iIIIHI :: business 167‘ " pccialist :: specialists 163‘ "r k s :: devices characteristic 9, co“I:>.‘l.ex :: puzzling 16 . pro dueed :: encouraged 17° 71. ‘i‘ Own interests without seriously alienating 1 ° ‘3- interests :: ‘Verybody's interests without alienating any :- endangering his others' 112' we. ‘ble :: had to be able 113- Oth.1‘s' :: own ‘11:. “ring :: skill ‘15. politicians :: politics 11in ““11? relations with :: paying off 177. ”ying off political machines :: 1"":li-tical bribery 32 27:25,26 27:28 27:29 28:1 28:4 28:8 28:10 28:15 28:16 28:17 28:20 28:23 28:26 29:4 29:5 29:12 29:14 29:14 29:14 29:16 30:2 30:13 30:13 W122; (cont'd) 178. characteristic of municipal :: true in city 30:14 179. pointed out :: complained 30:16 180. of the ethics of business men who did not understand what constituted loyalty, and who :: that business men often did not understand the ethics of politics, that they 30:19,20 181. commenting on :: surveying 30:27 182. the American scene :: American politics 30:27 183. of :: in 31:5 184. in :: into 31:8 185. all human :: later 19th century 31:9 186. universal :: popular 31:23 187. prevailing :: contemporary 31:24 188. human :: social and economic 31:24 189. Led :: Worked out 32:1 190. postulated :: drew 32:1 191. theory :: principle 32:2 192. politics and business :: politicians and businessmen 32:14 193. likened the growth of the railroad trust to animal life in its elimination of the weaker units by absorption into the stronger :: thought the function of a railroad trust to be the elimination of weaker units by absorption into the stronger°° 32:24,25 194. authored articles :: wrote numerous articles for the journals 32:28 195. American business accepted laissez-faire before Darwinism :: American business had already accepted leis- sez-faire 33:8 33 subggjgggiggg (cont'd) 196. peeple who demanded :: society which valued 197. possessed :: evolved 198. their ideas necessary eXplanation :: the atmosphere of contemporary ideas a satis- factory explanation 199. dichotomy :: contrast 200. current in the nineteenth century :: characteristic of the later 19th century 201. peculiarity of a nation getting :: peculiar paradox of a nation that became 202. others to deny :: some a denial of. r 203. old-fashioned American :: traditional 204. after 1865 :: by 1870 205. inherited :: held both 206. yet :: quite 207. system :: substitute 208. order :: democratic visione Mealtime 1. political [Originally follows .gi the; transposed to follow 1922:3111: 9.1 2. than . [Iransposed to follow 1 1 him .Miiillllnlinl 1. tough prairie sod [Transposed to follow 129.1211.§211£. line 7, replacing it prelim 1.9:. mm- 2. undercc [Transposed to follow w "placing 2pm 12 111.1- :13 not, line 14, 34 33:9 33:23 33:28,29 33:29 33:29: 34:1 34:11 34:13,14 35:4 35:17 36:12 36:16 36:19 36:24,25 30:12 31:26 9:13 10:15 W (cont'd) 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. series of [Added after but 3.] attempts [Replaceslggfigg as a part of the addition ofnmgf. when it appeared [Revised to §g§1;11;, and transposed to begin the sentence energy [Transposed to replace pgggr] in the cities [Revised to 11 1h:.£1111£ and tranSposed to follow' 11.9.9.1 9.1“. magnum] he saidcc [Revised to.ghgnmng.g;gtg and transposed to follow.gb;g;yg;1, lines 25,26] 35 15:23 15:23 19:13 23:4 29:10 29:26 Nye writing. 36 5. Coherence revised many times to increase the coherence of his Chief among his methods were (1) the use of prepar- atory words, phrases, and sentences; (2) the substitution of demonstrative and possessive pronouns for articles; (3) the substitution of nouns for pronouns; (4) the use of multiple- purpose tapic sentences; and (5) the repetition of identical or similar words and phrases. .Erenaratery.flerda..Ehraaea..ied.§gntenge§ Samples: (1) (2) (3) (4) As historian, political scientist, and campaigning candidate, Wilson knew what he was talking about; and he was neither the first nor last to say it. BUT [added] like many undoubtedly valid statements, his was much easier to prove than to define. (2:2-4) THOUGH [added] American business, it is true, never actually adapted Laiggggqfigigg wholeheartedly, it used the theory as a convenient weapon to silence Opposition. (19:17-l9) Then too, the Civil War left the Midwest a strong Republican tradition. THE SLOGAN [added] "Vote the way you shot” carried weight in those new states that sent troops South in 1861 . . . . (16:8-12) 1n the first two examples, by; and though indicate the contrasts that actually exist in the statements. In the third example, without The slogan, a prepara- tory phrase, a reader might pause momentarily to adjust to the quotation. The region is too fluid, too subdivided and disuni- fied, to be defined as more than a state of mind, a 37 regional self-consciousness that knows no clear demarcation lines. BUT CERTAIN FACTS ABOUT IT ARE CLEAR. [added] The Midwest is a large and imperial land, larger than the heartland of central EurOpe. 3:1-4 In this revision, But of course contrasts the two sentences, while ggrtgin facts abgu; it are cigar prepares the reader for the shift from the abstract .51111.g1 mind to the concrete £1315. .29m9natzalixe.and.Eeiseealze.Ereeeune.£9;.lriielee Samples: (1) Lord Bryce fell into the dilemma confronting most (2) (3) foreign travellers and some Easterners, and solved it b defining the West as that which was not East, THE 'HIS substituted] dividing line apparently being the Allegheny mountains. (2:23-26) It is pioneer in Spirit, though THE [ITS substituted] frontier phase has passed . . . . (3:8-11) Andrew Carnegie, a shrewd little Scotsman, built up an organization that culminated in 1901 with United States Steel -- THE [ITS substituted, then WHOSE substituted] capitalization under Morgan was larger than the entire national wealth in Washington's day. (22:14-16) (4) There was no such thing as a "natural" right in the sense of the Declaration; life was a struggle, and the onl “natural” right was the right to compete in THE THAT substituted] struggle. (33:5-7) The use of demonstrative and possessive pronouns for articles is extremely frequent, such changes accounting for almost half of the one-word substi- tutions. Moreover, although they chiefly serve to strengthen the flow of thought, they also occasion- ally increase the emphasis slightly (see example 4 :e.‘ II.- 38 above). .Eeuns.ier.£r9neuni Samples: (1) (2) (3) (4) They agree that there is a Midwest, but its limits depend upon the criteria used to define it -- geo- logical, geographical, economic, political, social, historical. IT [THE REGION substituted] is too fluid, too subdivided and disunified, to be defined as more than a state of mind . . . . (2:27,28; 3:1-3)~ The region is too fluid, too subdivided and disu- nified, to be defined as more than a state of mind, a regional selfconsciousness that knows no clear demarcation lines. But certain facts about it are clear. IT [THE MIDWEST substituted] is a large and imperial land, larger than_the heartland of central EurOpe. (3:1-4) Though American business, it is true, never actu- all adaptedylgissgggiaigg wholeheartedly, it used IT THE THEORY substituted] as a convenient weapon to silence opposition. (19:17-19) ' The American believed in opportunity, in the right of the individual to improve himself by his own courage and initiative, feeling that if he failed he had only himself to blame. But only a smaller and still smaller minority found the doors of opportunity Open; courage and initiative alone seemed not enough. THEY [PEOPLE substituted] felt that in attempting to establish democracy they were attempting something impossible, and began to question whether or not they really had a fair chance to establish it. (27:9-14) In the last example, the only one in which the reason for the substitution may not be immediately clear, They might temporarily be construed as referring to miggrity of the preceding sentence. Eggplg, however, has an inclusiveness that refers unmistakably to Americans in general rather than 39 to the minority that still had Opportunities. Multiplgrgggpgsg‘Lgpig Sentence An interesting and unorthodox method of gaining coher- ence was Nye's use of a tapic sentence which actually covered not only the material in the paragraph which contained the sentence but also the material of following paragraphs. In effect, the sentence was a topic sentence for two or three paragraphs, not merely one. For example, the paragraph which Opens with the sentence ”The most serious of his prob- lems were transportation, money, credit, and tariffs" (10:8) actually discusses only transportation -- specifically, railroads (10:8-24). The next paragraph (10:25-29; 11:1-13) discusses money and credit, and the following one (11:14-21) discusses tariffs. This free use of topic sentences violates the precept of having a tapic sentence cover only the subject matter of the immediate paragraph. However, the method actually com- bines, while at the same time alters, two traditional rules. The first rule, that a tepic sentence cover only the immedi- ate paragraph, has already been mentioned. This precept Nye followed by supplying to each of the last two paragraphs a tepic sentence which covers only the material discussed in that particular paragraph: "Then there was the whole matter of money and credit” (10:25): ”The tariff was the Midwest farmer's third major problem.” (11:14) The second rule . «:- IO! unto a .4 issue ‘9 I. i'ue:.' a 'u 4 in I. vb . a r- ,. as _. be. t -. 4. - n. . e l'. 4O violated is the recommendation to use a transitional para- graph when it is necessary to provide a preview of the material to be discussed. The fundamental principle of this procedure Nye adepted, but he abandoned the usual method of placing such information in a separate paragraph. The value of Nye's technique is quite clear. While a strictly transitional paragraph is a useful guide to a reader, it is, on the other hand, an awkward device when used in informal writing. By incorporating such informa- tion in a paragraph with other material, Nye avoided the formality and stiffness of the separate transitional para- graph and yet retained the advantage of its increase in coherence. mmuaylemmmr s 9 Samples: (1) “The voice of the West,” said Woodrow Wilson in 1911, ”is a voice of protest.” As historian, political scientist, and campaigning candidate, Wilson knew what he was talking about; and he was neither the first nor last to say it. But like many undoubtedly valid statements, his was much easier to prove than to define. Historians and commentators always puzzled over exactly what is the ”West,” and why it protests. What Wilson meant BY THE WEST [added], of course, was that region which became known as the Middle West after the settlement of the Pacific Coast and desert-mountain areas. (2:1-8) This addition prevents ambiguity. If by the West were omitted in the second paragraph, What Wilson mean; might be interpreted as referring to pigtggt. 41 (2) Nebraska and Kansas, border states, have much in common with the states to the north of them, but at the same time HOLD [added] strong affinities with Missouri, Oklahoma, and the Southwest. (3:22-24) (3) It was always difficult for demagogues to gain a Midwestern following of any significance, and HARD [added] for those who skirted the fringe of dema- goguery to avoid committing themselves to any but specific and pertinent reforms. (14:5-7) These additions (examples 2 and 3) are apparently made because in each the original idea is too far away from the related statement that follows it for the two to be easily connected. Thus held repeats the idea of possession carried earlier by have, because Nye seems to have felt that have is too far from.1fifiinitig§ to maintain the continuity. And .hagg (example 3) is a considerable distance from its synonym diiiieultoa (4) The shipbuilder built a different vessel for the Great Lakes and FOR THE [added] wide treacherous rivers. (5:11.12) 1 (5) Throughout the nineteenth century and perhaps well into the twentieth the Midwest suffered from a colonial complex, the result of its newness and OF [added] its dependence on the East for papulation, ideas, credit, and culture. (5:23-25) (6) Richard Harding Davis ... .., in typical Eastern fashion, pitied ‘the men who would excel in a great 5 This change also increases emphasis, through rhythm. ngg naturally gets more stress than the surrounding words, and it breaks the monotony of four successive unaccented or lightly accented syllables: .11 -.ggngg - 1g_ - 19;. The change demonstrates the multiplicity of effects produced by the revision of one word; the revision makes the line clearer, less monotonous, more emphatic. 42 metrOpolis . . . wasting their energies in a desert of wooden houses in the midst of an ocean of prai- rie” -- a thorough misconception of the Midwest and CF [added] the challenge it presented to the man of energy and vision. (6:2-6) The above three samples (4,5,6) show a largely unjustified concern for coherence in parallel struc- ture. In many such instances, even when the words omitted in an elliptical construction are easily supplied, Nye still inserts the missing word or word‘s (7) All this, said Andrew Carnegie, was ”triumphant democracy,” concrete proof of the tremendous eco- nomic energy of laissez-faire capitalism. The leaders of finance and industry were "builders,” men who built railroads, Opened banks, dug up and cut down or converted huge national resources, and .made the nation rich. It was a wonderful structure they reared, but it was not ”TRIUMPHANT [added] democracy” as the prewar United States had visual- ized it. (23:3-8) The inserted triumphant not only maintains Carnegie's idea of successful laissez-faire capi- talism, but, by the ironical manner in which it is used, it also serves as a smooth transition to the Counter-argument.4 ”79' s extensive repetition of key words in the following Paragraphs illustrates the importance of repetition in gain- ing “Minuity. \ . 3 It ‘will probably be noticed that, besides assisting continuity, mm further emphasizes the contrast by gharpening the irony. 43 Lying between conservatism on the one hand and radicalism on the other, the Midwest has been since 1870 in delicate political balance, its allegiance uncertain, the despair of party leaders and platform planners. The party vote which elected successful candidates from 1865 to 1900 always hung near fifty percent. Not infrequently one party still may carry the state locally while another carries it nation- ally; the spectacle of a governor from one party and a legislative majorit from another is not uncommon IN MIDWESTERN STATES added]. As a result campaign issues in Midwest politics have not always been clear cut; parties embrace each other's platform with great alacrity, and the results of an election may not prove whose platform won. (15:7-l6) In this paragraph of 118 words, Midwest or a form of it is used three times, platform three times, party (singular or plural) five times. Finally, the Midwest was in the process of swift change during the nineteenth century. Many of its settlers came West to escape political, social, or economic discrimination; movement rather than adaptation was the traditional MIDWESTERN [added] means of solving problems. With the gradual disappearance of freeland, the Midwest found itself forced to adapt to new conditions, willy nilly -- there was no place left to move to. The accelerated rate of change made adaptation more difficult than in the older regions, where the problems of wealth, monopoly, railroads, urbanism, and papulation had evolved slowly and gradually. Trends of national development were speeded up in the Midwest. The East, for example, had half-a-century to work out the conflict between public and private interest in the use of natural resources; many Western states had only a decade or so. Political compromises lbetween antagonistic interests take time, and the fididwest had little of it. (16:15-28) In this paragraph (148 words), W351. flgilgin, Eiiilfiilo and.fliggestg;g are used seven times. 44 The evolution of the great trust is perhaps best represented by the develOpment of Standard Oil. In Cleveland, shortly after the Civil War, a quiet young man named Rockefeller began refining oil when the average profit was approximately 30%, By good management he was able to do much better than that, and by 1870 his was the largest busi- ness in the Midwest. Persuading twelve other refiners to join him, he formed the South Improve- ment Company, forced railroads to grant it rebates, enlarged his own capital, and bought out his rivals. Next he formed a pool with other refiners, controlling roughly four-fifths of the national OIL [added] output. For nine years he carefully bought or forced out rivals, and in 1882 with the assistance of an astute corporation lawyer, Samuel C. T. Dodd (who is generally credited with devel- Oping the trust) he united them all in one huge trust. Broken by the Ohio courts in 1892, Standard Oil reorganized in New Jersey under more lenient law and proceeded on its way. (21:26-28; 22:1-10) A paragraph of about 170 words, this one uses six references to oil: Standarg 0;; (21:27), taftntng 911 (21:28)..rziiaeas (22.2)..raiiaars (22.5)..911 (22.5), and Staggarg oil (22.9.10). It is worth noting that in the revisions affecting ”huence, deletions almost equalled additions. Since “"‘V'nness would seem more or less inevitable in an early draft, one would naturally conclude that this balance b ”"9" additions and deletions merely indicated that some "ctions lacked coherence and others were oversupplied with it. Anal-Ysis does, in fact, reveal that many deletions ”9" “Necessary for adequate continuity, as in the follow- Ing .‘anplos. .\/ 45 The new trend toward "big business” demanded a new type of business man, quite different from the Conservative EurOpean who was satisfied with HIS [deleted] ten percent and safety. (23:24-27) Supporters of the status quO pointed to the quad- rupling of the national wealth since 1865, to new inventions, great factories, thousands of miles of railroads, and asked how could anyone be dis- contented? There might be evil, inequality, and injustice in the system, CONTINUED THE CONSERVA- TIVE ARGUMENT [deleted], but one need not burn down the barn to get rid of rats. (27:21-25) It is rich in mines, lakes, and forests. It is ALSO [deleted] pioneer in spirit, though its frontier phase has passed . . . . (3:8-11) These deletions are unnecessary to continuity chiefly because they stand extremely close to the word or idea referred to. In the second example, besides the nearness of EEPP2£1£££.2£ 1h£.£111£§ mtoummigblbem . . - milleaym. the colloquial tone which is adapted at the end of the first sentence and continued into the second helps the reader to connect the passage with the conservatives. The last sample is quite similar, except that here the parallel structure makes the 3.1.2.9. superfluous. “though most deletions of transitional expressions Stem“ from an excess of continuity, other factors also influenced the writer. One Of these was inaccurate use of transitional words or gIOUps of words: (3ONTRIBUTING TO THIS TREMENDOUS EXPANSION OF PRO- DUCTION WAS A TECHNOLOGICAL REVOLUTION IN MACHINERY. [deleted] (9.11,12) 46 This sentence, which is a sort of minor tOpic sentence preparing the reader for a different phase of the main subject of the paragraph, fails to include all the material actually discussed; besides discussing machinery, Nye also talks about seed, plant and animal diseases, and pests, none of which the transition sentence mentions. (see 9:12-16) Second, transitional words were deleted sometimes because they slowed down the writing and decreased the emphasis.5 Samples: (1) Then there was the whole matter of money and credit. In Iowa or Nebraska the farmer sold his staple crOps for cash to pay old debts, to finance new crOps, and buy what he needed to live. Fluctuation in money THEREFORE [deleted; VALUES added] affected him swiftly and seriously. (10:25-27) (2) Most of its radicalism, THEN, [deleted] was nothing but a series of perfectly logical attempts to find some sensible method of removing certain threats to Midwestern interests. (l5:23,24) (3) The Western spirit, whether near-, mid-, or far-, was a spirit of insurgency and protest. Certain traits of this spirit may be isolated and identified IN THE MIDWESTERN PAST [deleted]. (13:14-18) affect Th.“ examples furnish further evidence of the many incr '1 a revision brings about. Concision, which usually .‘s's emphasis, may at the same time decrease continuity. '3 47 To discuss only one of these, in the first example thagatgga occurs in a short sentence which follows a sentence approximately three times as long. Nye is clearly trying for punch and crispness, qualities which‘thazgtgga reduces by creating a much more distinct step in the sentence than does xatgaa. Third, it is possible also that Nye felt that he used certain transitional words too often, and therefore deleted same. For example, 11.115. was deleted six times, and th_e_n_ Hues times, the two words accounting for over a fourth of thetotal number of deletions affecting continuity. The consistently coherent character of the writing of cmuse supports the idea that fundamentally the deletions unang from excessive continuity. The existence of contri- mniflg causes simply exemplifies the variety of motivations th‘t Operate during revision. The end result of the revision °f‘”u$ draft was a strong over-all increase in coherence. Sammaxy Th0 results in this section showed that Nye gave consid- erablg rlitention to coherence during revision and that he "119d “Don a large number of methods roughly equal in impor- t"”’ ratlmer than upon only a few. He added numerous subor- (finating land coordinating conjunctions, as well as occasional complete sentences, to prepare the reader; he also inserted qt. I 48 prepositions frequently to indicate that he was maintaining parallel structure. He replaced many articles with demon- strative and possessive pronouns; these substitutions made up nearly half of the total number of one-word substitutions in the group. Nye also replaced a large number of pronouns with nouns, and he often utilized repetition with key words. Finally, he used on one occasion a tOpic sentence that covered the mate- rial in not one paragraph but three, an unorthodox method that achieved much the same effect as a formal transitional Paragraph but avoided its stiffness. ‘90 r 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. List of Revisions But by the West But certain facts about it are clear hold for the of of by 1900 And his after 1870' but it was still West against East. Were hard. r'ther than sweeping political revolutionse 1“ l‘idwestern states Th. slogan Fina 11y uid'lmstern for Though 1 9t. 1 9th centuryIn 49 Page:line 2:3 2:7 3:3 3:23 5:12 5:24 6:5 9:18 9:26 10:16 13:3 13:14 13:25 14:6 14:10 15:13 16:9 16:15 16:18 19:14 19:17 19:20 .al ‘91 I 'U \ 45111112111 (cont'd) 19th century industrialIn 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33. 34. 35. 36. 37. 38. 39. I. 2. 3. 4. 5. competing When it was finally. oil until doing business ”triumphant. his own‘ But their political” yet them Popularm it Thus 0f its 3180 thu . 1“ the states than 9h Thu; Y't With all this, with its newness, Opportuni- lee, and unhampered atmosphere 50 20:9 20:22 21:17 22:5 22:21 22:27 23:7 27:10 29:5 29:16 29:17 30:2 30:5 31:5 32:16 33:24 34:12 3:8 4:22 4:24 5:6 6:13 7:24 .II 7.! rel 51 23.191.19.331 (cont'd) 7. his 8:6 8. There 8:22 9. they rubbed them 8:23 10. by the Midwest 9:2 11. it 9:5 12. Contributing to this tremendous expansion of production was a technological revolution in machinery. 9‘11.12 13. All this made 9'16 14. however 9:20 15. thus 10:6 16. thus 10:23 17. therefore 10‘27 13. economic 11”“ 19. in the Midwestern past 13*13 20. than 13:28 210 Lying as it has between conservatism on the 14:18 22. then 15:23 23. thus 19:21 24. a second device 21'14 25. out 22:7 26. Thus 23:8 27. Ifter the an 23:24 28' h“ 23:26 29. present 27‘24 tel 52 111111.992 (cont'd) 30. continued the conservative argument 27:24,25 31. then 28:17 32. its 30:1 33. for example 30:8 34. in the postwar world 31:5 35. before Darwinism 33:8 36. in the nation 34:23 Wm 1. it :: his 234 2. the :: his 2:25 3° It :: The region 3:1 4. It :: The Midwest 3.3 5' th! :: its 389 6° those states :: them 4:19 7' th‘t :: life 583 8. Neithgr concept was, of course, entirely “curate :: The Midwesterner, of course, was neither 1QI'Iorant nor isolated 6:20 9' Y": s: So 7:24 10' "‘d a: but 11.7 11. c". :: replaced it 11:16 12. ' prOtected one :: one protected by a tariff 11:18 :3. an" :: their problems 11:24 4. “"13? problems or their solutions :: “'th their problems were or how to solve 9:! VI We: (cont'd) 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33. 34. 35. 36. 37. , a :: as a' farmer and worker :: Midwestcc m Politically :: As a result of these things has also been historically :: was always°° ' it :: the region it primarily as a :: the theory as a convenient0 m largest and earliest :: earliest big trusts the :: its :: whose were all paralleled by :: followed the pattern, and so didm do so :: change its mind in business :: toward ”big business” how it worked a :: how great a margin of profit could Thus :: So and :: whereas these men :: The men who ran them While the fortunes :: and those the hands of these men :: their handscc them :: wealth their :: the nation's this :: the United States Th'Y :: Some people Neither of them was :: He was apparently not Th9Y :: Peeple 53 12:11 12:19 13:1 14:5 15:29 19:19 22:11 22:15 22:24 23:21 23:24 24.12,13 24:21 25:2 25:15 26:4 26:13 26:14 26:23 26:27 27:1 27:5 27:12 54 sabatttuttaaa (cont'd) 38. to accomplish :: to establish democracy they were attempting 27:13 39. it :: answer 28:2 40. advantage :: it 28:17 41. He :: The boss 28:23 42. the need :: both 28:28 43. the :: this 31:5 44. the hypothesis :: Darwinism 31:24 45. , and deserving of their fate :: Both deserved what they got‘ 32:5 46. he :: the loser 33:2 47. the :: that 33‘7 48. and :: or 33:16 49. the nation :: America 34813 Tasmanian; 1. after the settlement of the Pacific Coast and desert-mountain areas 2:7,8 [Originally follows 1h11.££912n.fih1258 transposed to follow £11111.flaat 2' ! ”gentleman's agreement" among corporations to control profits and prices 21:15:16 [Originally follows.;att;aaga, line 15; transposed to follow Ina p221, lines 13,14] 3- in 1870 29:25 [Originally follows azngaaagg transposed to follow Adams] 4. Gunton's Magazine, the unofficial organ of busi- “983 in the 90's, complained in 1901 that busi- “9383en were heartily sick of contributing to "chine politics and would welcome a thorough 55 mealtime. (cont'd) purging of the whole machinery of government. 30:15-18 [Originally follows tha lacal maahina, line 15; transposed to follow an 1h2.11! boots, line 5 7 MW 1. in the Midwest 4:12 [Revised to.thaflfl11¥aat and transposed to replace.1t, line 12 2. therefore 16:17 [Transposed to follow adaptattga was, line 18; then deleted] 3. these 30:19 [First added, then deleted] 4. it :: his failure his failure :: it 33:2,3 [Transposed to replace each other] 5- They 33:23 [Revised to 1hr. W- See the 9.2a- W 29.1.0.1 if. 11.9.2: line 16: and the long deletion that follows, lines 16-23] I I'D! |O .\. n-Ie-eev rec: I. n y a. ,. u - . as. l O a tea-age. -.'-.... mud. n...“ .., » . 56 6. Emphasis There were seven principal methods by which Nye increased the emphasis6 of his writing: (1) transposing words or phrases for better placement; (2) stressing par- allelism; (3) employing contrast; (4) furnishing further inhumation; (5) using adverbs: (6) correcting monotonous rhythms; (7) replacing 1111's with commas and semicolons. 3mm Samples: (1) Iron ore sold in Cleveland at $2.65 a ton IN 1896 [transposed to follow IRON ORE]. (24:14,15) (2) The problem, as the Midwest conceived it, was to reaffirm 18th century democratic faith and to pre- serve it against the rising tide of skepticism, cynicism, and ”plutocracy,” AS THEY CALLED IT [transposed to follow CYNICISM, AND]. (36:26,27; 37:1 _‘ 6 Nye seldom deleted emphatic words or phrases. However, aubi9Uity, lack of accuracy or some similar factor occasion- a“Y necessitated a deletion. The following examples illus- tratg this: (1) "Since the Mesabi range in Minnesota ALONE deleted] produced about four million tons of ore a year, the iccrued profit to all concerned was Obviously considerable.” 24*17-19) (2) ”It was hard, in the midst of tremendous Iaterial progress surrounding them, for the farmer and the wOrker to understand their OWN [deleted] failure to share equitably in it . . . .' (27:17-20) In the first example, alga; could refer to Minnesota, ext 80 interpreted would mean that the Mesabi range Conggdsninto other states as well, whereas the Mesabi is in 11ned to northeast Minnesota. In the second example, 9131 stgt ‘6 that others also failed to share in the wealth, a N ement that might be true, but which is not a part of ah; s d19cussion, which is centered largely on the wage earner the farmer. and 1f 57 The transposition of in 1829 is made because the paragraph stresses profits, not time (see 24:7-19). Hence ending the sentence with agaaa‘a.taa keEps the emphasis on the principal theme. In the second example, platggzagy is a powerful word, but the original version decreases its effectiveness by burying it within the sentence. Although tranSpo- sitions like these do not occur frequently, the ones that are employed reveal that Nye is fully aware of the value of position. .flumllaliaa Samples: (1) (2) (3) (4) It is rich in mines, lakes, and forests. It is pioneer in Spirit, though its frontier phase has passed -- IT 18 [added] individualistic, material- istic, self-reliant, politically independent often suspicious of the East and the Old World. (3:8-ll) It was always difficult for demagogues to gain a Midwestern following of any significance, and HARD [added] for those who skirted the fringe of dema- goguery to avoid committing themselves to any but Specific and pertinent reforms. (14:5-7) PeOple felt that they were attempting to accomplish something impossible, and began to question whether or not they really had a fair chance TO ACCOMPLISH IT [added]. (27:12-14) The alliance of business and politics, despite obvious advantages to both, was yet not an unmixed blessing TO EITHER [added]. (30:1,2) In these examples, 11,13 repeats the two preceding uses of ;t_1§3 hagd echoes difficult; ta EQCOEP11§h Saunas: 58 repeats that infinitive; and ta aither carries out the parallelism of ta bot . Samples: (1) (2) (3) Neither Bryan nor LaFollette could justifiably be classed as radicals, and even those who came closest to it -- Donnelly, Simpson, possibly Weaver and others -- always asked for particular reforms in railroads, currency, and credit RATHER THAN SWEEPING POLITICAL REVOLUTIONS [added]. (14.7-10) All this, said Andrew Carnegie, was ”triumphant democracy," concrete proof of the tremendous economic energy of laissez-faire capitalism. The leaders of finance and industry were ”builders," men who built railroads, Opened banks, dug Up and cut down or converted huge national resources, and made the nation rich. It was a wonderful struc- ture they reared, but it was not ”TRIUMPHANT [added] democracy” as the prewar United States had visual- ized it. (23:3-8) None of them would have bet, as Gates is supposed to have, on the course of a raindrOp down a window- pane; the high living of men like Jim Brady would have inSpired nothing but righteous horror in the breasts of CHURCHGOING CHRISTIANS LIKE [added] Carnegie, Rockefeller, or Morgan. (25:17-20) In the first sample, the phrase tathar than agaap- 139.;112121113; is thrown against the idea preceding it in the sentence (the request for particular reforms); in the second, tttumphant, through its ironical use, contrasts with the first tglgmphant quoted from Andrew Carnegie; and thugchggtng Christiana is set off against.hish.lixia9- 59 .NBUIlgaal.lniermailea Samples: (1) Some of it came too from the peOple who poured in from Scandinavia and Germany, outlanders with foreign ways whose contrast with the Older native ”Yankees” gave them the feeling of foreignness, still noticeable, though unadmitted, in the heavily Norwegian, Swedish, FINNISH, POLISH,[added] and German settlements of the Midwest. (8:8-12) (2) York Staters rubbed elbows with Virginians, Maine downeasters with Pennsylvania Dutchmen; later with Germans, Norse, Irish, Scotch, and Holland Dutch; and still later with Poles and Italians, FINNS, [added] and German settlements of the Midwest. (8:22-25) (3) There was a mood on the peOple, a suspicious and restless mood, an unwillingness to be stratified -- no matter what Darwin AND SPENCER [added] said or Adam Smith implied. (34:18-20) By increasing the amount of his information, Nye adds weight to his argument. For example, Elana (the second example) seems to be added in order to strengthen Nye's statement that the Midwest had an unparalleled diversity of pOpulation (see 8:20-22). Allsiha Samples: (1) Historians and commentators ALWAYS [added] puzzled over exactly what is the "West," and why it pro- tests. (2:4-6) (2) Neither Bryan nor LaFollette could justifiably be classed as radicals, and even those who came closest to it -- Donnelly, Simpson, possibly Weaver and others -- ALWAYS [added] asked for particular reforms in railroads, currency, and credit rather than sweeping political revolutions. (14:7-10) 0" ‘6 60 (3) Rather than favoring a police state, which contented itself ONLY [added] with the prevention of violence and fraud, the Midwest in its political thinking ALWAYS [added] showed a desire for positive govern- m‘ntal aetion, e e e e (14520‘23) (4) Not infrequently one party STILL [added] may carry the state locally while another carries it nation- ally e e e e (15811‘13) (5) Though these immigrants were quickly absorbed, they were To SOME EXTENT [ALWAYS substituted] subject to the natural self-consciousness Of late and foreign arrivals. (8:17-19) (6) Abram S. Hewitt, the rich New York ironmonger, DEFINED A RICH MAN AS ONE WHO HAD [THOUGHT NO MAN WAS RICH UNLESS HE HAD substituted] 20 million or more, while the New York World remarked in 1888 that "millionaires are as thick as hOps.” (25:26-28) It will be noticed that most of the adverbs emphasize time or degree, as for example algaya, lgnly,.still,.na. Moreover, many of these are ”unqualified” words, such as alwaya, which appears often. Adverbs are employed frequently to gain emphasis. .Muuhm7 sincela judgment of rhythm is sometimes controversial, “fly revisions that seemed clearly traceable to it were so .___fir____ us.d ‘31“ the discussion on rhythm, metrical ”feet” have been are no: Convenient terms throughout the study; however, they fe.t 'to be interpreted as ordinary, arbitrary metrical . “Ct AS used here, the feet are based heavily on phrasing, P°etry°r 1n accenting syllables that is important even in 1:01. a glend much more important in establishing prose rhythm. Oax- explanation Of phrasing, see the second and sixth 61 Classified. Moreover, due to the subjective nature Of the mufiect, more examples than usual have been cited and dis- cussed. Samples: (1) As historian, political scientist, and campaigning candidate, Wilson knew what he was talking about; and he was neither the first nor last TO MAKE THE OBSERVATION [SAY IT substituted]. (2.2,3) In this passage, mafia tha absarvatiog has an iambic pattern that creates monotony. .Say it, on the other hand, is more crisp and forceful because it breaks the original's succession of iambs. (2) Thus the fittest were "good” and those who lost in the struggle were ”evil,“ AND DESERVING OF THEIR FATE [. BOTH DESERVED WHAT THEY GOT substituted]. (32.4,5) This is similar to the preceding example. The lack of emphasis in the original is due to the pro- longed iambic pattern (here three feet), which the revision corrects. sgapt°r‘7“ George R- Stewart. Jr-. The. 129.119.1012.: 9.1 English. 419. (New York, 1930). For information on prose rhythm the ”"97”; writer is indebted to Edith Rickert, Nag Mathgaa Lg; A}i§££1Y 21,tha;atara (Chicago, 1927); George Saintsbury, fem” Y 9_f_ Eagllsh Ptoaa Rhythm (London, 1922); Norman R. 1930)‘t’.Ih£.B£JID£.2i.§£911§h 2205: (Cambridge [England], ' Other sources were cited in the Introduction. that ,, “10 reader should perhaps be reminded at this point Syllabiccfllted" and "unaccented“ are relative terms. A “Unded. may be accented in one sentence because it is sur- can b. by more weakly accented syllables; the same syllable y nor unaccented or very lightly accented when surrounded ° 81:Jrongly stressed syllables. 62 (3) Fluctuation in money values affected him QUICKLY AND DEEPLY [SWIFTLY AND SERIOUSLY substituted]. (10:27) This change is clearly made to utilize the a alliteration. (4) ”I cannot recall," said one editor in summarizing the farmer's general attitude, ”another conSpiracy in the history of mankind quite equal in colossal a and criminal splendor to the profound and universal plot of Wall Street," a plot, it was commonly be- lieved, to reduce the Midwest to vassalage, THROUGH MONOPOLISTIC MANIPULATION [deleted]. (12:15-19) In this passage the alliteration is heavy and unpleasant, an unpleasantness that stems partly from the preponderance of gfs in mangpollatig, but chiefly from the almost identical number of sylla- bles in mangpgllstig and manipulation, from the identical position of accent in the two words (the stresses fall on the second and fourth syllables of both), and from the identical placement of the consonants m, n, E: and l. (5) Earlier America, with ECONOMIC FLUIDITY AND INSTA- BILITY [ECONOMICALLY FLUID AND INSTABLE substituted], had already develOped a native type quite different from the conservative EurOpean . . . . (23:25-27) Here the frequency of short t sounds (five in .ilgidlty and lnstability) and 1 sounds gives the Original passage a repetition of identical vowel Sounds that is undesirable in serious prose. The [Dassage is somewhat similar to the previously 63 quoted maaapallatla manlpulatlons. (6) 'Old Hutch” BENJAMIN [deleted] Hutchinson did corner it in 1888. (24:27) This deletion, like the third example, is made for the sake of alliteration. Banjamln interrUpts the alliteration and also prevents the quick double stress on Hutg . (7) Darwinism tore up the old fixed beliefs in perma- nence, in solid stability, and left nothing constant IN THEIR PLACE [tranSposed to follow LEFT] but inconstancy. (31:20-21) This shift, which brings aanstant and inconstancy closer together, at first seems to increase emphasis only through more immediate contrast of aonatant with lngonataggy; but the stresses in the two ver- sions show that the revision avoids the dead spot in the original caused by three successive un- \) stressed syllables [afiiat tn tfiztz):3 — —U — U V V eu— Original: left nothing constant in their place SGt ihczhstdhsy — U U see- do” —- U Revision: left in their place nothing constant c- U— but inconstgndy9 W hlVe b ccented, unaccented, and lightly accented syllables v (u 99“ represented by the following symbols: ——- (accented), naeeented), /' (lightly accented). inal 91;". above revision is notable too because, in the orig- pli ’ 9 three unaccented syllables preceding plaaa cause tanc.’.through delay, to receive an emphasis which its impor- °°rrects far as meaning goes does not warrant. The revision ‘ tliis by placing the stress more emphatically on ‘”‘d.Ln£2nilifl£Y- 64 Ana'a, Qammaa, .1111 Samicolana Samples: (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) Local banks grew fewer and fewer, [added] AND [deleted] less and less autonomdfis, their reserves dep051t9d in larger baNRS e e e e (1132-4) The Midwest radical was traditionally a rather con- servative radical, attacking one at a time certain Specific problems within the existing governmental system, [added] AND [deleted] requesting Specific and practical solutions. (13:28; 14:1,2) It is pioneer in spirit, though its frontier phase has passed -- it is individualistic, materialistic, self-reliant, politically independent, AND [deleted] often deeply suspicious of the East and the Old World. (3:8-ll) It was some little time before the malcontents found the answer -- that all this industrial ”prog- ress' served private rather than public ends, AND [deleted] that government was perverted and cor- rupted so that it might continue to do so -- the answer came slowly and dimly, but it came. (27.29; 28:1-3) In the last three examples, it will be noted, the deletion stresses the parallel structure. Americans in general are susceptible to the belief that a law can cure nearly anything, AND [semicolon substituted] Midwesterners were particularly so. (13:24,25) Not infrequently one party still may carry the state locally while another carries it nationally, AND [semicolon substituted] the Spectacle of a governor free: one party and a legislative majority from “Other is not uncommon in Midwestern states. (15:11-13) Some~iwi11 always have more than others, AND [semi- colorl substituted] why fly in the face of facts? (27:27) 65 In contrast to the comma revision, which usually stresses parallel structure, the semicolon substi- tition occurs in no Special situation; the semicolon Change occurs before long clauses as well as before short ones, before summarizing clauses, Clauses adding new ideas, and before clauses that furnish evidence to support a previous statement. Summagy Nye's work on emphasis revealed some relatively routine fmnm and others that were unusual. First, the few normally mumatic words or phrases which were deleted were almost hwmriably traceable to inaccuracy or ambiguity, which ren- dered ineffectual their usual emphasis. Since ambiguity and inaccuracy or similar faults were constant factors in these rmdsions, it is probably safe to say that Nye deleted an flumatic passage only when lack of clarity nullified it “W". This conslusion is further substantiated by the confilistent forcefulness of the writing. Secomd, the infrequency of changes that gained emphasis thngh a more colorful choice of words was, at least at first: puzzling, particularly Since Nye's prose is reSpect- ably Vivid for semi-academic writing. It contains, for ex ample, SUCh passages as these: 66 What he referred to was the political contentiousness that seemed to permeate the settler as soon as he crossed the outer fringe of settlement, a tradition of independence that stretched unbroken from the farmers of Shays to Sockless Jerry Simpson, Ignatius Donnely, Bryan, and Old Bob LaFollette, the spirit that raised more hell than corn in Kansas in the eighties and dumped milk in the nineteen thirties. (2:8-l3) Easterners often looked at it as a sort of spiritual and cultural desert, a barren ground of desolate dull- ness and bucolic ignorance. (5:29; 6:1,2) Political intransigeance has never been confined to any section of the United States, though in the West and South it may have seemed more persistent and pyrotech- nical. (6:27-29) They changed business from a rough-and-tumble individ- ualism to corporate c00peration; they absorbed rather than competed, slicing up the national economy like a melon. (25:7-9) These examples bolster the hypothesis that colorful muds or passages occurred to this writer while he was writ- 1"Givery early drafts (the one studied is a second draft). This situation is probably not unusual, since at this stage flnmusiasm is often high and the imagination stirred by the freflnmss of the material. Color in writing is usually sup- Fflifliby figures of speech (see LQQLLLQQQQ, 5395.222E121221: 25‘233 jaggw, 21:9), and these are possibly more apt to occur to a writer in the early stages, before his thinking is more rigidly channeled by association with relatively routine impre ssions. 0n the more positive side, the writer's revisions for Em phasis had many strong characteristics. One of these was 67 his correction of poor placement; these revisions, though few in number, illustrated his appreciation of the value of position. Similarly, and with about the same frequency, he utilized parallel constructions, or accentuated already existing parallelism by insertions that filled in ellipses. He also gained emphasis to a small but noticeable extent by supplying illustrative data which supported or reinforced previous statements. Finally, his use of unqualified adverbs such as May; and my stood out; these words strengthened the writing considerably. Three techniques that Nye used are worth special mention. The first is the deletion of 3.95.1. when it joined parallel pas- sages. These deletions, by increasing the stress on the Parallelism, brought out the ideas more forcefully than did the originals. Second, semicolons often replaced M's. I“slthough this technique is implied in the textbook admonition t0 "aid the loose use of and as a connective, and to that extent is not remarkable, it does illustrate the virtue of Carrying this advice a step further: even when and is not us“ 1°°591Y, its removal by means of a semicolon can add to the fOrce of the writing. The technique is apparently effec- tiVe with all types and lengths of phrases and clauses, with “3°“ equal relative force. Finally, the analysis sUpplied some interesting facts ab out the relationship of rhythm to emphasis. In most rhyth- 68 mically monotonous passages, there occurred either a succes- sion of three unstressed syllables or a prolonged iambic pattern. However, when three unstressed syllables were fol- lowed or preceded by two stressed ones, the monotony of the first three was lessened. Certain stress combinations also modified the effect of the iambic pattern. When three suc- cessive iambs were followed by a trochee (-—U), the monotony was decreased. On the other hand, an anapest (UV --) fol- lowing the iambs neither increased nor decreased the monot- ony. But a grOUp of four iambs, regardless of the stress pattern preceding or following it, invariably formed a rhythmically dead passage. There was also some evidence for believing that two anapestic feet, especially when surrounded by iambic feet, create gaIIOping rhythm unsuitable for prose, at least ordinary prose. This effect of anapestic feet, however, and f0? that matter all the material on weak rhythms, needs more intensive investigation than this study, because of its pur- P°59, can give it. The problem of rhythm is enormously “mutated by punctuation, half-stresses, length of sen- tenc“: inflections, and similar factors. But these diffi- culties do not invalidate the practical value of the general- ities presented here. List of Revisions 69 Pagealine Addition 1. always” 235 2. outer 2:10 3. it is 3:9 4. Finnish, Polish 8311,12 5. Finns 8:24 6- The 1038 7' but it was still West against Eastc 13:14 8' hardc 14:6 “ways“ 14:9 10' ”“11 or than sweeping political revolutionsc 14:10 11' °n1y 14.21 12' ‘liaye‘ 14:22 13' “11.1 15:11 14. cgrt-1n 15:24 15' “mngly 16:11 16' ""1 reeeroe 19.6 17. N" that the Civil War had settled the question of 9° litical unity, there was much to be done " the West to populate, illimitable natural ruources to tap, millions of machines to be .‘d” and nothing in the way. Andrew Carnegie :Xpr- teed the mood perfectly in 1886, saying Th. old nations of the earth creep at a snail'a 9". a the Republic thunders past with the rush 70 Milieu (cont'd) of the express. The United States, the growth of a single century, has already reached the foremost place among nations, and is soon the [to] outdistance all the others in the race.” America had the best political system, the most money, and the most intelligent leaders and farseeing business men of any in the world. The job ahead simply lay in making the land more prosperous. With cities to build, land to settle, mines to Open, and railroads to shoot across the prairies, no man could busy himself too much about farm prices, minor recessions, wages, factory conditions, slums, and so on. The business of the nation was laying track, digging mines, and building factories. True, injustice, graft, and corruption might creep in, but when the task was done America might then Pause to brush some of the sand out of the gears of the social and economic machinery. l9(b)tl-l6 18' 'hen it was finallyc 21:17 19. '8 a result 2336 20. "ti-1 umphant‘ 2387 21. ‘nd safety 23:27 22. reallyt 24:14 23. quietly 24:27 24. 25:7 25. ch"1'<=lagoing Christians like 25:19 26. 't 1ant 26:7 27. 27:4 28, his o‘nc 27:10 29. t° ‘Ccomplleh it 27:14 30. infiqu ality and injustice 27:24 31. “1" 28:11 Adilliens (cont'd) 32. 33. 34. 35. 36. 37. 38. 39. 40. to eitherll thrown seriouslyIn at ellt were Senatorn already” and Spencer Darwin andcc 1:: a my sense“ thr<>ugh monopolistic manipulation of the "it 1 onal economy“: "01; 1 c eably' 'Verm it ’11- 8 been” " 3-1b hascc ‘1'- y 8' 9‘ thee c 10' the c C 71 30:2 31:8 31:8 31:18 32:5 32:17 33:8 34:19 37:3 y3:lO 10:28 12:19 13:6 13:15 14:18 15:7 19:9 19:10 19:11 23:2 23:6 23:6 I "I Deletions. (cont'd) 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 1. 2. 10. 11. 12. 13. alone Benjamin own with all this andcc simply these men Wises. point out the fact :: make the observation say itcc tradition of revolt :: political contentiousness“ seeming :: apparent illusory :: an illusion influence :: ”educate” of _:: for an sturdy :: rockribbed suffered :: squirmed' expressed the usual Eastern view when he remarked of :: in typical Eastern fashion, pitiedcc to some extent :: always. 0f as in Contributory :: Contributing The combination :: All this 72 24:18 24:27 27:19 27:23,24 28:1 33:11 33:24 2:3 2:9 3:16 3:17 4:16 4:23 5:9 5:28 6:2,3 8:18 9:9 9:11 9:16 §Mb§1130112n2 (cont'd) 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33. 34. a sizeable amount :: millions of tonsm in market for the purchase of :: purchase focussing eventually on :: leading eventually to quickly and deeply :: swiftly and seriously and :: ,°° constituted :: was , a :: as a6 and :: ,°° influence :: "educate"In , and :: g and :: ’cc and :: ,°° found appreciable backing :: received much support Midwest :: Midwestern ’ and :: 3 bequeathed it certain :: placed it in various lay open to :: waited for was as had always been :: was'I 1t primarily as a :: the theory as a convenient° m Ionopolistic corporations :: industrial juggernautsII Ilth economic fluidity and instability I3 economically fluid and instable 73 9:19 9:22 10:19 10:27 11:2 11:14 12:11 12:15 12:25 13:25 13:27 14:2 14:3,4 14:5 15:12 15:28 17:6,? 19:9 19:19 21:9 23:25 Wm (cont'd) 35. , and :: 3 36. closed an :: shut the door on the 37. clearly :: quite 38. railroad kings :: buccaneerst 39. defined a rich man as one who had :: thought no man was rich unless he had 40. The Morgan :: Horgan's 41. accomplish :: establish 42. The new :: After 1870 43. evil :: evils 44. does :: needI 45. , and :s 3 46. the :: both 47. in order :: socc 48. no new'thing in :: not new to 49- paled into insignificance before :: were insignificant 50. interests :: the various 510 that lay :: implicit 52- the entire area of :: all 53‘ lay in :: was 54' and deserving of their fate :: Both deserved what they got° 55' PTOVIded :: inserted 56. 01there to deny :: some a denial of“ r 74 24:1 25:9,10 25:21 25:23 25:26 26:3 27:14 27:16 27:24 27:25 27:27 28:15 28:18 28:21 29:8,9 29:15 31:6 31:9 32:3,4 32:5 33:10 34:13,l4 75 Wm (cont'd) 57. 58. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 9. 10. the old-type :: old-stylecc 34:25 order :: democratic visionm 36:24,25 mammalian; gradually 4:3 [Originally follows 1123.19.13.21! transposed to follow natural] to the East 7:7 [Originally follows eggngmigally: transposed to follow inhuman. line 6] was 10:23 [Originally follows only: transposed to “110' 11.13.11.113] always 15:9 [Originally follows allgg has: trans- posed to follow‘ngQ, line 10 therefore 16:17 [Originally follows ggxgggmt: transposed to follow.111p111123.111, line 18] evolved 16:22 [Originally follows ggggfiglly: transposed to follow monetize m 16:25 for example [Originally follows m3, 9.2.13 transposed to follow Ills. £3.91] different 20:21 [Originally follows My; transposed to follow 332, line 20] Idded 21:24 [Originally follows 11.1.11! transposed to follow mpmy, line 25 transposed again to follow 11.111: line 245 in 1896 24:15 [originally follows ton: transposed to fellow 1.3.211 on, line 14] 76 Inmumgna (cont'd) 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 1. 2. 3. emergedt 24:21 [Originally follows sq: transposed to follow inguinal Carnegie 25:19 [Originally follows figgtgfgllggg transposed to follow gunmen: like in 1859 31:8 [Originally follows W 122.213.: line 7; transposed to follow Mn: again trans- posed to follow pm 9_f, 11:11] in their place 31:21 [Originally follows constant; transposed to follow.Lg£1] ea erly 32:17 Originally follows W: transposed to follow 1.1.1 11, they, line 16] as they called it 37:1 [Originally follows 'p y“: transposed to follow malaise. and Missallaaeeua accepting as the West that :: 2:25 defining the West as that did to 5:16 [Revised to n m and transposed to follow heathen] the 8:25 [Added, then deleted] differing economically and ideologically from the westerly plains states, frequently failed :: differed economically and ideologically from the westerly plains states, and frequently failed 16:5,6 77 Wm (cont'd) 5. War was there 26:7 [Revised to .9.“ us. than. in the light 9.1 and transposed to line 8. Transposed again to line 12 to begin a new paragraph] 6. as well 29:16 [Replaced by ind when and is transposed from its position following 131311193391] 7. but 30813 [Revised to lhllfi and transposed to follow mm, 1111.3 11,12] 78 7. Concision Nye increased the concision of his writing by three general methods: (1) deleting non-repetitious information, (2)de1eting repetitious information, and (3) deleting mumrfluous words, the omission of which did not affect the meaning. Non-Repetitiggs Information Samples: (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) Lord Bryce, IN HIS PERCEPTIVE SURVEY OF THE AMERICAN COMMONWEALTH, [deleted] fell into the dilemma con- fronting most foreign travellers and some Easterners e e e e (2323-26) Its culture is diverse, both Protestant and Catholic -- France, Britain, and S ain have claimed or occu- pied PORTIONS OF [deleted it . . . . (3:5-8) The apparent unity of the group, partially imposed by the pattern of its history and settlement, AND ADMISSION TO THE UNION [deleted] is an illusion, for the area is obviously divided and re-divided into smaller units. (3:16-18) Originally agricultural and self-sufficient, the area in the later nineteenth century gradually developed economically specialized subdivisions AS IT BECAME APPARENT THAT CERTAIN RESOURCES WERE BETTER FITTED FOR SOME CROPS AND INDUSTRIES THAN OTHERS [deleted]. (4:2-5) FORTUNES COULD BE MADE WITHIN A FEW YEARS BY MAKING OR SELLING SOMETHING CHEAPER THAN ANYONE ELSE COULD. [deleted] (19:6,7) Post-war industrialism, WHEN IT APPEARED, [deleted] fitted perfectly into the pattern . . . . (19:13-16) The trust worked very well indeed, and as a form of control dominated business into the 20th century, WITH ADDED EMBELLISHMENTS SUCH AS THE HOLDING COMPANY [deleted]. (21:23-2s) (8) (9) (10) (11) 79 ”Old Hutch” Hutchinson, WHO [deleted] did corner it in 1888, CALLED JOVIALLY DOWN TO THE MILLING CROWD IN THE CHICAGO PIT, ”STEP UP TO THE CAPTAIN, BOYS," WHILE HIS COMPETITORS WALKED THE PLANK [deleted]. (24:27-29) THE IDEALS OF THE PIONEER, AGRARIAN STAGE OF NATIONAL DEVELOPMENT WERE NOT BEING REALIZED IN THE NEW ERA OF INDUSTRIAL AND CORPORATE POWER. [deleted] (26:24-26) A CHEAPER AND MORE EFFICIENT METHOD AT FIRST THAN THE TRADITIONAL LOBBY, THE [deleted] ”influencing” OP [deleted] politicians with cash could and did turn out to be extremely expensive. (30:5-7) THE CONSERVATIVE POINT OF VIEW MUST BE PIECED TOGETHER OF SUCH DISPARATE ELEMENTS AS THE ECONOMICS OF GEORGE GUNTON, OF J. LAURENCE LAUGHLIN, THE SOCI- OLOGY OF SUMNER (WHO CAME CLOSEST TO BEING ITS SPOKESMAN), THE POLITICAL JOURNALISM OF J. STERLING MORTON, THE POLITICS OF ALDRICH AND MARK HANNA, THE MAGAZINE ARTICLES OF CARNEGIE. THE OPPOSITION PRO- DUCED PARTIES, BOOKS, AND MEN -- FROM JERRY SIMPSON TO LAFOLLETTE, HENRY GEORGE TO THE MUCKRAKERS, FROM ANTI MONOPOLISM TO PROGRESSIVISM -- A POSITIVE, COHERENT, AND VOCAL PROGRAM WHICH THE CONSERVATIVES NEVER REALLY EVOLVED. [deleted] (33:16—23) Deletions of non-repetitious information make up the major share of the changes that increase conci- sion. “Ecumenism Samples: (1) IT WAS TRUE, NATURALLY, THAT THE MIDWEST WAS BOUND INTELLECTUALLY TO THE EAST AS IT WAS ECONOM- ICALLY. THE BOOKS AND PERIODICALS IT READ WERE FOR THE MOST PART EDITED AND PUBLISHED IN THE EAST. IT LOOKED TO THE EAST FOR INTELLECTUAL LEADERSHIP, AND ITS EDUCATIONAL SYSTEMS COPIED THE EAST AND WERE STAFFED FROM NEW ENGLAND. PUBLIC EDUCATION CAME SWIFTLY To THE REGION; RURAL AND NORMAL SCHOOLS PEPPERED THE MAP, WHILE THE STATE UNIVERSITY, ITS EVOLUTION ACCELERATED BY THE GREAT LAND GRANTS, (2) 80 BECAME A CHARACTERISTIC REGIONAL DEVELOPMENT. IN POINT OF THOROUGHNESS AND AVAILABILITY, THE PUBLIC EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM OF THE MIDWEST ACTUALLY SUR- PASSED THAT OF THE EAST. THEIR FOUNDINGS COINCIDENT WITH THE IMPORTANT DEVELOPMENTS IN EDUCATION OF THE LATTER HALF OF THE NINETEENTH CENTURY, THE NEW SCHOOL SYSTEMS OF THE MIDWEST WERE READY TO ACCEPT NEW THEORIES. WITH NO PRIVATELY ENDOWED SCHOOLS AVAILABLE, THE PEOPLE WERE PERFECTLY WILLING TO USE THE STATE AS AN AGENT TO SECURE THEIR EQUIVALENTS. THE MIDWEST, THEREFORE, WHILE IT STILL LOOKED TO THE EAST FOR INTELLECTUAL TRAILS To FOLLOW, WAS PROVIDED BY ITS SCHOOLS WITH AN INTELLIGENT ELEC- TORATE, FAMILIAR WITH THE ISSUES OF THE DAY AND RELATIVELY OPENMINDED ABOUT THEM. NOTICEABLY, ECONOMISTS, POLITICAL SCIENTISTS, AND OTHER TEACH- ERS WHOSE “RADICAL” VIEWS FORCED THEM FROM EASTERN SCHOOLS GRAVITATED TOWARD THE STATE INSTITUTIONS OF THE MIDWEST. [deleted] (726-23) Much of this paragraph repeats ideas that are stated earlier: Still the influence of the East remained strong on the settler in the Midwest. His fashions in dress, architecture, and ideas came from there; so did his money and much of his government. He subscribed to newspapers from New York, Philadelphia, and Boston, read Eastern books, listened to Eastern speakers on the lyceum. If he could afford it, he sent his children East to school; if he could not, he sent them to one of the numerous "Yales' or "Harvards" of the West” that dotted the Midwest, or to a state university staffed from the East. The Midwest was of the East, and yet not of it, different and yet part of the culture which had settled it. (5:14-22) TRUE OR NOT, THE PICTURE OF ECONOMIC DICTATORSHIP IMPLICIT IN THE RISE OF BIG BUSINESS WAS GENERALLY ACCEPTED AS THE TRUE ONE BY MORE THAN A FEW. [deleted] (23:21-23) Essentially the same meaning is incorporated in a preceding passage from the same page: The public began to think of the corporation as a giant octOpus with tentacles stretched into every 81 man's life, controlling his destiny from cradle to grave -- even then, as Ignatius Donnelly remarked, he might be buried in a coffin made by a coffin trust. (23:12-14) The concentration achieved by the deletion of repetitious information is, in general, not great, although an occasional deletion, such as the first one above, sometimes causes a considerable reduction in words. Economy with Wgrds Samples (elliptical constructions): (1) Andrew Carnegie, a shrewd little Scotsman, built Up an organization that culminated in 1901 with United States Steel, whose capitalization under Morgan was larger than the entire national wealth HAD BEEN [deleted] in Washington's day.’ (22:14-16) (2) Rockefeller amassed 1 1/2 billion, and E. S. Harkness, his partner, HAD [deleted] three-quarters of a billion. (25:29; 26:1) Deletions such as these are relatively infrequent. Samples (articles): (I) (2) (3) As A [deleted] historian, political scientist, and campaigning candidate, Wilson knew what he was talking about: and he was neither the first nor last to say it. (2:2,3) Their foundings coincident with the important devel- Opments in education of the latter half of the nine- teenth century, the new school systems of the Midwest were ready to accept THE [deleted] new theories. (7:15-17)' ' THE [deleted] two million farms in the nation in 1860 raised 200 million bushels of wheat; THE [deleted] six million farms in 1900 raised 665 million bushels, a rate of increase duplicated in the production of corn, cattle, hogs, dairy, and —"’"" (4) 82 other agricultural products. (9:8-11) Supporters of the status quo pointed to the quadru- ling of the national wealth since 1865, to THE [deleted] new inventions, THE [deleted] great fac- tories, THE [deleted] thousands of miles of rail- roads, and asked how could anyone be discontented? (27:21-23) Nye's deletions of articles is a strong charac- teristic of his revisions. These omissions con- sistently and appreciably Speed ‘Up the writing. Samples (general verbs and nouns): (1) (2) (3) As the fierceness of competition forced the American businessman to become a single-minded Specialist in money-making, so did it CAUSE A [deleted] change IN [deleted] his attitude toward politics. (28:4-6) In the original, the real verb idea is incorporated in a noun, with a consequent use of a general verb. By converting the noun to a verb, Nye increases concision by removing three words. Political intransigeance has never been confined to any section of the United States, though in the West and South it may have ASSUMED [SEEMED substitu- ted] more persistent and pyrotechnical FORMS [deleted]. (6:27—29) This deletion of a general noun (forms) and reliance upon an adjective (pyrgtgchnical) to carry the meaning is employed frequently. Thus ”Wall Street” became A [deleted] very real THING [deleted] to the Midwest . . . . (12:10-13) This revision is similar to the preceding one. The adjective £111 carries the meaning. ' " 83 Samples (passive voice): (1) The Midwest was of the East, and yet not of it, different and yet part of the culture BY [deleted] which IT [deleted] had BEEN [deleted] settled IT [added]. (5:21,22) (2) Its educational systems WERE [deleted] capied PROM [deleted] the East's and were staffed from New England. (7:lO,ll) Each of these changes reduces the passage by two words. Samples (clauses and phrases): (1) But like many STATEMENTS THAT ARE UNDOUBTEDLY VALID [UNDOUBTEDLY VALID STATEMENTS, substituted] his was much easier to prove than to define. (2:3,4) By replacing a clause with an adverb and adjec- tive, the writer deletes two words, a pronoun and a VCI‘be (2) Composed on the one hand of SETTLERS AND DESCENDANTS OF SETTLERS FROM THE EAST [EASTERN SETTLERS AND THEIR DESCENDANTS substituted], and on the other of immigrants from Northern EurOpe, its patterns of political thinking were often confused. (16:1-3) This technique, often employed, converts a prep- ositional phrase used as an adjective to a single word adjective. Samples (implied meanings): (1) What he referred to was the political contentious- ness that seemed to permeate THE TEMPER OF [deleted] the settler as soon as he crossed the outer fringe of settlement . . . . (2:8-13) As used here, lgmpgz of course is strictly dead wood; to use it is analogous to saying that polit- 84 ical contentiousness permeated the mind of the settler. Since ggntgntiousngss implies a mental state, that word therefore carries the "mental" idea adequately. (2) It was not the SAME [deleted] Spirit AS THAT [deleted] of the roaring camps of the gold trail, nor the Billy-the-Kid lawlessness of the cattle states -- the Far West and the Southwest have their traditions too, but they are not the same. (2:13-16) In this sentence, not has the same meaning as game; hence 991 the spirit says exactly the same thing as no; the same spirit, the use of game being somewhat similar to a double negative. The clause they 31§_n31_1ng same, which ends the sentence, further justifies the deletion. (3) Its culture is diverse, both Protestant and Catholic -- France, Britain, and Spain have EITHER [deleted] claimed or OCCUpied it . . . . (3:5-8) This deletion seems to demonstrate the probably frequent lack of necessity for the first part of this correlative. (Q; in such cases is sufficient. Summary Nye increased the conciseness of his writing chiefly by Cieletions of non-repetitious information. Seldom did he d‘lete repetitious material, although an individual revision of this type sometimes effected a considerable saving of “ords. 85 A third method which Nye employed to gain concision, and one of major interest, was his removal of SUperfluous words. These changes did not affect his meaning. They con- sisted of the use of elliptical constructions, the deletion of general verbs and nouns, substitution of the active voice for the passive, the deletion of words whose meaning was carried or implied by other words, the reduction of clauses and propositional phrases to one- or two-word modifiers, and, finally, the deletion of articles. As the list of revisions at the end of the section indicates, many of Nye's gains in concision, particularly those listed under economy with words, were cross-classi- f1ed under emphasis. Generally, these cross-classified JP.Visions increased the emphasis by increasing the Speed of the writing, or, to state the idea from a different view, they increased the Speed of the reading by presenting the same number of ideas in fewer words. Concision apparently does more than merely economize on words; by creating a less interrupted flow of ideas, it enables a reader to meet impor- tant words relatively oftener. This continuous stream of 1“formation keeps the reader at a higher pitch of attention, a“<1 he actually feels the rush of the narrative. Hence Cinetions of 111's and articles, and substitutions of the aCtive voice for the passive, if they do not distract the I‘Qader by jerkiness or some other unpleasant quality, give 86 the writing greater force through greater speed. Occasionally substitutions resulting in brevity also radically changed the accent patterns of a word grOUp. Perhaps the best example is in the clause ”Wilson knew what he was talking about: and he was neither the first nor last to make the observation.” (2:2,3) The last three words were replaced by the far criSper "say it," a change which U— avoided the original's three foot iambic pattern (to make U- U .- the ob ser va). List of Revisions 87 Page:line Alsatian; None .Eslalignl l. a 2:2 2. the temper of 2:9,10 3. same [spirit] as that 2:14 4. in his perceptive survey of the American commonwealth 2:23 5. either 3:6 6. portions of 3:7 7. and. 3:10 8. and admission to the union 3:17 9. form a core of states that 3:19 10. as it became apparent that certain resources were better fitted for some crOps and industries than others 11o O 12. in the Northwest 13. slowly and 14. into something as unmistakably regional as the civinlizations already developed in the East, Middle States, and South 15° its Spirit was not 4:3-5 4:10 4:13 5:1 5:3,4 5:7 88 .legtigng (cont'd) 16. combined 5:24 17. a strong regional pride emerged 5:26 18. combined 5:28 19. could hardly be imagined 6:6 20. Davis' remark typified graphically the point of 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. view responsible for much of the past and pres— ent misunderstanding of the region and of the men and ideas it produced 6:6-8 evidently on the comparative youth of the region and seemingly supported by 6:ll,12 the 6:22 equally 6:26 forms 6:29 the 7:1 It was true, naturally, that the Midwest was bound intellectually to the East as it was eco- nomically. The books and periodicals it read were for the most part edited and published in the East. It looked to the East for intellec- tual leadership, and its educational systems copied the East and were staffed from New Eng- land. Public education came swiftly to the region: rural and normal schools peppered the map, while the state university, its evolution accelerated by the great land grants, became a characteristic regional develOpment. In point of thoroughness and availability, the public educational system of the Midwest actually sur- passed that of the East. Their foundings coin- cident with the important develOpments in edu- cation of the latter half of the nineteenth century, the new school systems of the Midwest were ready to accept new theories. With no privately endowed schools available, the peeple were perfectly willing to use the state as an agent to secure their equivalents. The Midwest, .Qslsiiaas (cont'd) 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33. 34. 35. 36. 37. 38. 39. 40. 41. therefore, while it still looked to the East for intellectual trails to follow, was provided by its schools with an intelligent electorate, familiar with the issues of the day and rela- tively Open-minded about them. Noticeably, econ- omists, political scientists, and other teachers whose ”radical“ views forced them from Eastern schools gravitated toward the state institutions of the Midwest. were [copied] from the those a self-consciously Aggressive in its feeling that it must outstrip and outshine the East, it had at the same time a deferential respect for seaboard culture and traditione had inferiority of the rarely retaining national groupings in the manner of city dwellers All had much to give and much to take. They poured into the melting pot and the Midwest stirred them together. Primarily an agricultural region the as millions of acres of virgin soil went under the plow The the that was 89 7:6-23 7:10 7:17 7:21 7:25 7:25-27 8:4 8:8 8:17,18 8:26,27 9:3 9:7 9:8 9:8 9:9 9:10 Dglgtigns (cont'd) 42. in the Midwest 43. for though the national pOpulation more than doubled in the forty years after the war 44. The investment [his crOp] represented 45. in some states 46. and problems 47. probably the most important fact in his existence 48. and 49. to 50. in any sense9 51. large and 52. in its essentials 53. and complex 54. immediate 55. a [very real] thing 56. through monOpolistic manipulation of the national economy° 57. of the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries 58. basis of 59. always asked for different things; even the native federalism of the early settler, once he passed the mountains, dissolved into a demand for something the East did not need or want 60. it has been° 6l. actively 90 9:10 9:17,18 9:27,28 10:3 10:7 10:9,10 10:18 10:26 10:28 11:9 11:16 11:17 11:26 12:11 12:19 13:7,8 13:11 13:14-l6 14:18 14:22 Deletions (cont'd) 62. 63. 64. 65. 66. 67. 68. 69. 70. 71. 72. 73. 76. 77. 78. 79. 80. 81. 82. as it has' has [always] been some wishing to institute swift changes, others following older native and EurOpean traditions the historically a factor that deeply affected its thinking The and the attendant complexities of economic and political life increased by the swiftness of their evolution either and highly develOped A more mature system of manufacturing, indus- trial, and technical develOpment offered tremendous inducements and rewards. Fortunes could be made within a few years by making or selling something cheaper than anyone else could. the. the'3 the philosophy of it fulfilled rather than denied the traditional bases of American democracy to repel interference and equally bitter and sometimes illegal competi- tion pioneer society 91 15:7 15:9 16:3,4 16:12 16:15 16:16 16:23 16:23-25 17:7 19:4 19:4-6 19:6,? 19:10 19:11 19:13 19:15,16 19:19 20:2 20:8 .2211112n1 (cont'd) 83. tremendous 84. 85. 86. 87. 88. 89. 90. 91. 92. 93. 94. 95. 96. 97. 98. 99. the pool was found none too satisfactory since it was difficult to secure consistent and binding COOperation between firms in 1887 what turned out to be with added embellishments such as the holding company the for stock dissolving it because certain members did not live up to their "gentlemen's agreement.” of its evolution had been and Carnegie's check, a quarter of a million dollars, was the largest single payment up to that time made to any single individual in history established control over tremendous areas of business the. political and economic and a good many feared what it did represent True or not, the picture of “big business” as a threat to political and economic democracy was generally accepted as the true one by more than ‘ f.'e Earlier America, economically fluid and insta- ble, had already develOped a native variety 92 21:9 21:16,l7 21:21 21:21 21:24 22:3 22:4 22:5,6 22:11 22:16 22:16-18 22:20 23:6 23:6,? 23:8 23:21-23 23.25,2o u, . '4. 93 211.211.2111 (cont'd) 100. a new type characterized by energy, originality, daring, imaginativeness, shrewdness, and unscru- pulousness 23:27,28 101. The farmer who was industrious and careful could usually be fairly certain, barring natural dis- asters, of a reasonable profit: the business man23:28,29; had no such security. 24:1 102. possibilities of 24:7 103. suppressing it or 24:11 104. called jovially down to the milling crowd in the Chicago pit, ”Step up to the captain, boys,” while his competitors walked the plank 24:27-29 105. the methods of 25:7 106. cooperated or 25:8 107. the 25:10 108. had - 26:1 109. business 26:9 110. would have 26:18 111. The ideals of the pioneer, agrarian stage of national develOpment were not being realized in the new era of industrial and corporate power. 26:24-26 112. the 26:26 113. The 27:7 114. and capital's power 27:8 115. Most of all 27:9 116. The era 1865-1900 was an era of business, marked by a thorough and occasionally ruthless exploitation of the nation's resources, both natural and human. 27:15,l6 el , M 221351.22: (cont'd) 117. and visible 118. a [puzzling] one 119. after 1865 120. the [new inventions] the [great factories] the 121. existing 122. the facts of 123. Some will always have more than others: why fly in the face of facts? 124. and. 125. cause a [change] in 126. period 127. the 128. The American system of representative govern- ment requires a great amount of time and infor- mation, more than either the average voter or business man has at his disposal, and the boss supplied both. 129. and Opposed simplicity in government as a threat to the sUpremacy of the pOpular will 130. and relatively unfamiliar with the democratic process ' 131. by 132. His success depended upon the maintenance of delicate balance between the various factions and their demands. 133. governmental or pOpular 134. th. 135. of the national scene 94 27:18 27:20 27:21 27:22 27:24 27:26 27:27 28:1 28:5 28:6 28:6 28:26-28 28:29: 29:1 29:11,12 29:13 29:15,16 29:20 29:21 29:26 95 .231111231 (cont'd) 136. 137. 138. 139. 140. 141. 142. 143. 144. 145. 146. 147. 148. 149. A cheaper and more efficient method at first than the traditional lobby, the 30:5,6 in his interviews with businessmen 30:11,12 were at stake 30:15 or to demand excessive returns on political investments 30:21,22 itself in an orgy of corruption never before seen in American history 30:26 Organized wealth and machine politics were simply too strong, and the peOple in many cases accepted their rule. 30:27-29 It meant 31:12,13 and almost 31:23 since it [assured progress] by prOpagating the best in all walks of life 33:3,4 to the death 33:6 had 33:8 The conservative point of view must be pieced together of such disparate elements as the eco- nomics of George Gunton, of J. Laurence Laughlin, the sociology of Sumner (who came closest to being its spokesman), the political journalism of J. Sterling Morton, the politics of Aldrich and Mark Hanna, the magazine articles of Carne- gie. The Opposition produced parties, books, and men -- from Jerry Simpson to LaFollette, Henry George to the Muckrakers, from Anti Mono- polism to Progressivism -- a positive, coherent, and vocal program which the Conservatives never really evolved. 33:16-23 characteristic of the later nineteenth century 33:29: 34:1 discernible in life 34:3,4 96 23.13.119.91 (cont'd) 150. 151. 152. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 10. 11. 12. 13. The idea of natural selection SUpported laissez- faire: the argument for the freedom of the indi- vidual to struggle fitted the cherished American tradition of a man's right to make his own way in life without interference 34:5-8 in material wealth 34:11 all inherent in the times that produced it 37:11 S b u 5 point out the fact :: make the observation :: say it‘ 2:3 had reference :: referred 2:9 of specialization :: speCialized 4:3 develOped as :: became 4:5 by which it had been settled :: which had settled it 5:22 the emergence of :: emerged 5:26 its existence as :: itself 5:27 The Eastern idea of the Midwest was that it was a sort of :: 5:29: Easterners often looked at it as a sort of 6:1 expressed the usual Eastern view when he remarked :: in typical Eastern fashion, pitied“ 6:2,3 perhaps irremovably fixed in the region's :: consistently coloring Midwesternm 8:1,2 of the early settler :: settler's 8:3 a diversity characteristic of :: true of 8:20 in the post Civil War period :: after the Civil War 9:3 97 Sgbstitutiggs (cont'd) 14. of huge prOportions :: huge 9:16,17 15. as it had been on the frontier :: of frontier days 9:21 16. consolidation in :: consolidated 11:1 17. and :: ,9 11:2 18. capable of sudden and complete disappearance :: likely to disappear suddenly 11:10 19. differed as well with :: depended on 11:22 20. and :: ,9 12:15 21. farmer and the worker :: Midwestc m 12:19 22. and applied politically :: ’political 13:2,3 23. the reforms it encompassed :: its reforms 13:19 24. In addition, the reforms it demanded have been for the most part :: Then too it asked for reformsm 13:25,26 25. and their realization attempted :: to be realized 13:26,27 26. and :: ,' 13:27 27. and :: ,9 14:2 28. has also been historically :: was alwaysc m 14:5 29. placed in this classification :: classed as radicals 14:8 30. aimed at the institution of definite reforms :: were definitely reform parties 14:26,27 31. settlers and descendants of settlers from the East :: Eastern settlers and their descendants 16:1 32. an area of movement and :: in the process of 16:15 sa- .Euhsiiiuiiens (cont'd) 33. solution to its problems :: solving 34. closing of the West and :: disappearancem 35. The heart of the Midwestern problem in the nineteenth and earlier twentieth :: The primary problem of America after 1865m 36. the young man of energy and ability :: an able, energetic young man 37. available to :: of 38. toward the control of :: in controlling 39. lay in :: was 40. possessed the advantages of reducing :: reduced 41. gave warning :: warned 42. ‘the hands of these men :: their handsc 43. The farmer :: PeOplem 44. the stress of economic :: the fierceness ofm 45. a state of affairs that produced :: witnessm 46. plying the diplomat's trade :: playing diplomat 47. a beneficent set of laws :: one kind of lawm 48. restrictive or regulative legislation :: another” 49. in order :: so° 50. itemization of the bill including :: bill included 51. when they looked impressive :: that looked impressive 98 16:18 16:19 16:29; 17:1 17:26 19:4 21:10 21:10 21.11,12 23:9 26:13 26:26 28:4 28:8 28:12 28:16 28:17 28:18 30:9 30:20 99 §ubgtitgtion§ (cont'd) 52. likened the growth of the railroad trust to animal life in its elimination of the weaker units by absorption into the stronger :: thought the function of a railroad trust to be the elimination of weaker units by absorption into the strongerm 32:24,25 53. through the prepagation of :: by prepagating 33:3,4 54. the old-type :: old-stylee 34:25 Misssllaassus 1. that are undoubtedly valid 2:4 [Revised toyggdggbtggly and transposed to follow.11Lg many, line 3 2. under. 10:15 [Transposed to follow.gnigh.w1§.ngt, line 14, replacing 3pm 12 the] 3. to the Midwest farmer 11:14 [Revised to 1g; Midwest Lingerie and trans- posed to follow.Ihg'11;LL{.g1§ 4. and applied politically 13:2 [Revised to 921111211 and transposed to follow {5311333.agg1' of, line 3] 5. on a scale larger 17:5 [Revised to.mg;g and tranSposed to follow 1.113.151] 6. and 24:26 [Transposed to replace 1111; which he] 7. he said. ' 29:26 [Revised to'whgn he 1:11; and tranSposed to follow gbggzyggs, lines 25,26] 8. He wrote numerous articles for the journals, showing the Spencerian nature of economic life, 32:28; pointing out that 33:1 [Revised to.hg‘31g1g and tranSposed to follow gngylggl, 33.2] 100 8. Tone The tone of Nye's writing was informal and direct. His style, which was the tangible representation of his tone, was pleasantly easy; it occasionally used phrases such as ”in the hOpper” and colorful nicknames such as ”Bet-You-A- Million” (John Gates) and ”Sockless Jerry" (Simpson), and it was sprinkled with anecdotes that relieved the basic seriousness of the writing. Directness was apparent in his avoidance of pedantic or wordy expressions; he consistently preferred simple words to more learned ones. That Nye was highly aware of tone, consciously or unconsciously, and of the necessity of staying within its narrow boundaries, was borne out by a small but substantial number of revisions. Samples: (1) As historian, political scientist, and campaigning candidate, Wilson knew WHEREOF HE SPOKE [WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT substituted]; and he was neither the first nor last to MAKE THE OBSERVATION [SAY IT substituted]. (2:2,3) (2) The Midwestern idea of a directors' meeting in the eighties and nineties, as sketched by one Granger HACK [WRITER substituted], ran something like this ---‘_£ggglg£ Business: bankrupt farmers, form new monOpoly, rig market, fix prices; Resolutions Pissed: raise interest rates, lower farm prices, instruct business through interlocking directorates to raise prices on all goods sold to farmers, order newSpapers to SUpport regular party candidates, allot money to ”educate” legislatures, declare dividend, adjourn. (12:19-25) (3) Andrew Carnegie, THE CHERUBIC [A SHREWD substituted] little Scotsman, built up an organization that cul- minated in 1901 with United States Steel, whose 101 capitalization under Morgan was larger than the entire national wealth in Washington's day. (22:14-16) (4) Business men found politics a double-edged weapon, and complained of what amounted to blackmail -- powerful politicians in return for ”protecting their interests" set and collected fees, threaten- ing that unless they paid them, embarrassing legislation might appear IN THE HOPPER [ON THE LAW BOOKS substituted]. (30:2-5) Of these, whgrgof h; gpokg is too stiff to accompany such expressions as the gptgit that mime use Bellman $2.8? 12.1.9.” ns Lam eight.- '13; (2:12,13) and Thggg 1§_nothing glsg qutte tikg ‘Lt Lg thg wgrld (2:20,21). Has; is derogatory, and does not fit Nye's sympathy for the farmer, whom the Grange represented. Cherubic is too playful, particularly so in its contrast to the efficiency which Nye emphasizes in his discussion of trusts, of which Carnegie is an example. .13 thg hOpper is a figure of Speech which at least approaches slang, and is too extreme even for the general informality of the rest of the writing. Summaty Although revisions affecting the tone of the writing were few, they revealed that this aSpect of writing received important consideration from this writer. Aside, however, from providing a sort of case history of a writer's knowledge 102 of its importance, the material did not, possibly because of an insufficient number of tone revisions, furnish any spe- cific clues of how tone might be obtained. His changes, therefore, simply demonstrated its presence and importance. List of Revisions 103 Page:line Additions 1. moreIn 11:20 2. made 22:18 3. really. 24:14 4. once 25:22 5. people 26:17 6. and through 30:27 7. at all' 31:18 .2111112n1 None finésiliniisns l. whereof he Spoke :: what he was talking about 2:2,3 2. underwent a time :: went through a period 9:3,4 3. augmented :: increased 9:16 4. desired :: wanted 11:19 5. hack :: writer 12:21 6. clamor :: demand 13:16 7. fashion :: way 14:10 8. evinced :: showed 14:22 9. perfectly :: very well indeed“ 21:23 10. the Cherubic :: a shrewd‘ 22:14 104 alumnus (cont'd) ll. railroad kings :: buccaneers° 25:23 12. in the happer :: on the law books 30:5 13. fashion :: way 30:14 MW 0 l. emerged. [Originally follows SQ: transposed to follow industry] 24:21 105 9. Unclassified The unclassifiable revisions in Nye's draft were numerous. They consisted of a few mental "slips” that necessitated changes: of a much larger number of revisions that seemed to affect the writing in no perceptible way; and of another large group that did improve the writing, butiJi such a slight and shadowy manner that they could not be classified. Samples: (1) The amassing of huge fortunes, the stifling of indi- vidual Opportunity by monOpoly, the CONCEPTION [COR- RUPTION substituted] that inevitably followed politics-in-business and business-in-politics, the stratification of society that economic consolida- tion seemed to bring about -- all these made it extremely hard to adjust old democratic ideas to contemporary practice. (35:20-24) ancgpttgg, which does not fit the context of the passage, is clearly a mistake. Nye has been dis- cussing concepts earlier in the paragraph, however (see 35:18), and that discussion may have lead to 1115 use of concgptton. (2) lie needed insurance too, for his investment in Ibuildings, crops, stock, and machinery was quite likely to disappear suddenly THROUGH [BY substi- ‘tuted] fire, hail, wind, pests, or disease. (11:8-11) Thgough and Qy are synonyms. A definition of throggh is "by the agency of."10 A definition of [Mass 3 ‘nggter'g New Cotlegtate Dictiongry (Cambridge . ’ 1949), pm 886a 106 gy is "Through the medium of."11 The feeling that this change does not affect meaning in any way is borne out by a sentence in which this substitution is reversed: "A Minnesotan showed by an analysis of the mining-railroad interests how great a margin of profit could really be secured BY [THROUGH sub- stituted] monOpoly and agreement.” (24:12-14) This change, which apparently stems from the by used earlier in the sentence, demonstrates that by and .thggggh can be interchanged with no alteration of meaning. (3) The men who ran them avoided the headlines, contrib- uted to churches and charities and lived solidly reSpectable lives in RELATIVE COMPARATIVE substi- tuted] obscurity. (25:15-17) This substitution, like the preceding one, makes no apparent difference in the writing. Certainly a variation in meaning cannot be the motivation, because zelative is defined as ”Arising from rela- ‘tion; comparative: not absolute or independent";12 and margtive is defined as ”Relative; not abso- lute."13 (4) 1Darwin and Spencer PROVIDED [GAVE substituted] the answers that politicians and businessmen needed. (32:14) 1 1 Mugs Bee Collegiate _L____r0 ctiona y. p. 114. 1 2 Me, Do 714s 1 3 .Ibida’ pe 167e 107 Here, as in the two preceding examples, the words are practically identical in meaning. This change, however, does seem to improve the writing to some extent, possibly because it replaces three syllables with one, with an accompanying increase in stress. (50 Rather than favoring a police state, which contented itself only with the prevention of violence and fraud, the Midwest in its political thinking always showed THE [A substituted] desire for positive governmental action, for a government which charted a course of economic and social reform for the benefit of all. (14:20-23) Precisely how this subStitution of the indefinite article 1 for the definite LE3 improves the passage cannot be satisfactorily determined. The change does seem to improve the sentence, but why it should is puzzling, because the would seem to be more Specific than 1, and since the Midwest certainly did not have numerous desires for positive govern- :nental action (whereas 1 would seem to indicate it (did), the definite lhfl would appear to be the more iiccurate word. But for some unidentifiable reason, lag; is not more accurate. Summary This large group of unclassifiable changes consisted of a few mistakes in typing or thinking, and many more revisions that either changed the writing in “0 r°c°gnizable w" °r 1mPro "°d it so negligibly that the particular aSpect of 108 improvement was indeterminable. The group as a whole was notable chiefly as an example of how slight and subtle the effects of revisions may be. Although the author must have believed that all of these revisions improved the writing in some reSpect, precisely how most of them did so, or even in many cases if they did so, was beyond recognition. A peculiar characteristic of this grOUp was the fre- quency with which Nye revised articles with articles and prepositions with prepositions. This characteristic is revealed more clearly by the total list of revisions than by the examples cited in the text. While articles and preposi- tions were not revised by identical forms more often than verbs and adjectives, it seemed unusual that so many changes occurred with such relatively unimportant forms. Like many °f NYe's other unclassifiable changes, his substitutions of articles and prepositions appeared to improve the writing minutely. l. 2. 3. 4. 5. None 1. 2. 3. List of Revisions Aggtttogg the production of were develOped curtain lines of the W 822.111.121.122: nor was he :: and he was neither difficult :: hard that provides the essence of Midwesternism :: that can be called only Middlewestern arises from :: is a result of undUplicated in :: like no other part of softened under the impact of :: loosened after contact with 1"Pl‘esented :: typified f1mares :: men ind :: while brought him :: put him in touch with it :: the crOps 109 Page:line 9:11 9:15 14:1 20:22 24:23 2:3 2:22 3:12 4:1 4:15 5:10 6:6 6:12 6:15 6:25 9:14 gaggiillliifli (cont'd) 12. to have :: had 13. ‘to obtain :: of obtaining 14. as well :: too 15. through :: by 16. (differed as well with :: depended on 17. feeling :: attitude 18. days :: day 19. were :: lay 20. the :: a 21. quandaries :: dilemmas 22. the :: those 23. in :: during 24. had come :: came 25. adjust :: work out 26. adjlastments :: compromises 27' Th. :: A 28° Of these an :: out of the 29. were :: had been 30' 01’ s: in 31' 81'c‘ggered :: amazed 32' h‘d :: held 33' 1" :: The American business man 34' by :: through 35. ‘nd : : while 110 9:18,l9 10:12 11:8 11:10 11:22 12:16 13:9 13:26 14:22 15:28 16:10 16:15 16:16 16:25 16:27 19:4 20:8 20:20 20:28 21:9 22:21 24:1 24:14 24:29 Whont'd) 36. to :: in 37. relative :: comparative 38. nor would the high living of men like Jim .Brady inspired anything :: the high living of men like Jim Brady would have inspired nothing 39. isrterests :: routine 40. political :: politics 41. might :: could 42. calculating :: weighing 43. turn :: join 44. and :: while 45. adaptations :: adaptation 46. provided :: gave 47. thay :: what they 43- and their absori [3.1.5:] :: by absorption 49° as expressed in the Declaration :: 1t: the sense of the Declaration 50' Thtre were :: There never develOped 51' “Oar [ideas] explanations :: dOas necessary explanations 52' concaption :: corruption 53. position :: portion 1 [Issasnssiiisas 11.“ [Originally follows to follow 115.1: line 7 gt; tranSpo sed 111 25:3 25:16 25:18,l9 28:10 28:14 28:15 29:13 30:20 31:17 31:19 32:14 32:15 32:25 33:6 33:13 33:28,29 35:21 36:1 9:8 112 Mealtime; (cont'd) 2. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 8. The Western Spirit 13:16 [TranSposed from before as 3, 5,me gt to Pros-do amass Bur. air. 2:. far. line 14] M But though - 5:6 [Revised to pa} and tranSposed to follow hummus. it‘ 9.5 [Added, then deleted] were passed 13:15 [Revised to 11.1. pm and tranSposed to follow m] swiftness of the area's :: accelerated rate of 16:20 C"- W rm. lines 24.25] accelerated rate :: swiftness l6:24,25 E8" of. Lbs. are—sa' H W “11, line 20 demands ’ 29:13 (Deleted, then added] as well as :: and 29:16,l7 [see deletion of 1.0.1 following Mgm] those who ”lost” 34:13 [Revised to W: an than who. '13.:1". line 14] 113 10. Summary of Chapter The analysis of Nye's draft revealed that he revised extensively, chiefly to alter meanings and to increase the coherence, emphasis, and concision of his writing. His revisions indicated that grammar and mechanics required little attention. Undesirable repetition was also a very minor problem; out of a total of approximately 850 revisions, only eighteen were made to avoid ineffective dUplication of words and phrases. The revisions that affected meaning, on the other hand, were extremely numerous, consisting of about 225 changes. Only a few of these were required to correct ambiguities and illogical statements, the number of these being compara- ble to those correcting poor repetition. There were many identifications of and more precise references to time, usually by means of tense changes and modifications and additions of dates. However, this characteristic too seemed unimportant, since it probably stemmed from the historical nature of the subject. A large and important Segment of these revisions of “mum replaced original statements with ones radically different in meaning. Many of the original inaccuracies were cloarly caused by the continuing influence of preceding material upon the writer. The largest portion of meaning Chan gas, however, modified original ideas only slightly; 114 most of these narrowed the original ideas. Nye employed a diversity of methods for achieving coherence. He often employed such customary devices as conjunctions and conjunctive adverbs, parallel structure, and the substitution of concrete nouns for pronouns and general or abstract nouns. However, Nye gained coherence most strikinglyby substituting demonstrative and posses- sive pronouns for articles, by repeating key ideas through identical words or synonyms, and by using multiple-purpose topic sentences. Diversity also marked his gains in emphasis. Nye 'Omployed effectively the usual devices of position, parallel structure, supporting facts, and unqualified adverbs. The most °ut8tanding methods, however, were his deletions of O 3112 s when they joined parallel passages, his replacement 0f M’s with semicolons, and his avoidance of rhythmically monotonous passages. Although deleting non-repetitious information was Nye's Chin 31 I\gle means of increasing concision, other methods wer e 1mTi>ozrtant. Among these were the ordinarily-recommended teChniq “es of removing or replacing general verbs and '11 nouns, and the substitution of the active voice for the passive. Other and more unusual ones were the deletion of a): titiles, the substitution of one or two modifiers for nan 3‘8 and prepositional phrases, and the deletion of words 115 whose meaning was carried by other words. Nye revised very little for tone, his changes of this kind being only slightly more numerous than those correcting faulty repetition. However, those few changes noticeably altered the impression created by the original passage. Finally, Nye made a fairly large number of changes -- about sixty-five -- that were unclassifiable. A few of these unclassifiable changes resulted from errors in typing or thinking. Most of them, however, were revisions that NV“ apparently believed improved the writing. In spite of that Purpose, about half of this latter group seemed to have no effect, favorable or unfavorable, on the writing- The remaining half, it was felt, did improve the writing SlightJ-Y, but the specific quality improved was never clearly recognizable. One of the most puzzling character- istics of “.13 group was Nye's numerous replacement of articles with articles and prepositions with prepositions. Though these forms would seem to be of relatively little importaan in comparison, for example, to verbs: changes in the m did sharpen the writing in some slight though unident- ifialb]~e hay 116 CHAPTER II A SECTION or LEE'S gisurggANTs 1. Description of Material The material studied in this section was the first draft1 of chapters sixty-five and sixty-six of Douglas S. Freeman' 5 three volume Lee's Li 1111 nants: A. StUdY 1.1!. chmflL‘Q-2 The draft originally contained about 6,700 words. Although this was a first draft, Freeman's revisions were the least numerous of the four writers studied, totalling ”17 about two hundred and forty. As in the other writers' drafts, however, the organization was largely settled, and almost no revisions involved rearrangement of material. C hange3 consisted mainly of added details of fact, often in the footnotes- l=1‘913man's very ordinary style, which will be discussed C°11e The manuscript was obtained from Mary Washington “’91:: of the University of Virginia, Fredericksburg, 3. sixty? Although these two chapters were originally numbered f1ve and sixty-six in the manuscript, in the published Hark seco they form chapters twenty-two and twenty-three of the 1:10me volume. The manuscript contains both sets of chapter ea “‘3, but in this study the original numbers were retained ”umbgse they were less easily confused with line and page 1‘s. 117 more extensively in the final summary of this section, was, in terms of this study, both a hindrance and a help. Many awkward passages that might have been improved were not, and this fact undoubtedly helped to reduce the number of his revisions, which in turn made the emergence of recognizable patterns less likely. Moreover, perhaps partly because of the simplicity of his style, Freeman's changes did not reveal any unique revision techniques. On the other hand, by its presence in an effective over-all work, Freeman's generally unimpressive style demonstrated clearly that skillful or complex phrasing is not a necessary ingredient °f f°r€39ful writing. And, more important to this study, the Style gave unusual testimony to the usefulness of the techniques that did emerge. F°r the material cited in this chapter the reader is referred to Appendix B- 2. Grammar and Punctuation Like Nye's changes for grammar and formal punctuation, Freeman' 5 revisions dealt chiefly with grammar and were few and often secondary -- that is, they stemmed from other revi si°ns, such as the change of a plural subject to a sin- SEmples: (~1) As the FEDERALS [ENEMY substituted] fell back, THEY [HE substituted] appeared to meet reenforcements 118 and ere rifles began to cool in the December air, THE FEDERALS WERE [HE WAS substituted] coming up (:2) Added to THAT [THOSE substituted] of the men in the sunken road, the volleys from the hillside made an impenetrable front of fire. (65,7:3,4) In the first sample, the changes they to 3e and the Federale were to fie wee are secondary changes caused by the revision of Fegegals to enemy, a revision that avoids faulty repetition (see Pederel, line 4). In the second example, the plural volley; requires ‘that that be revised to those. Summagy The revisions made for grammar were so few that no conclusions could be made except that grammar presented no Problems to this writer. 1. 2. 1. 2. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 7. mar) ancl ancl ancl was List of Revisions muses their lZ—pounders W 83 were 88 were near est 3 3 nearer thofif 33 he “‘3 Federals were 33 he was thart "GIN. 33 those 119 Chapter,pagexline 65,9315 65,1157 65,235 65,236 65,1310 65,236 65,533 65,536 65,537 65,713 66,3314 1‘ 120 3. Repetition Like the changes which Freeman made for grammar, those made to avoid undesirable repetition were few. Only nine such revisions were made in the two chapters. Samples3 (1) Out into the fire he DASHED [RODE substituted] 0 e e e (65,6‘1-3) Deeheg appears in the next sentence (6:3). (2) Men said afterwards that when he pulled up his horse, the Federals withheld their fire as if in TRIBUTE [ADMIRATION substituted] . . . . (65,6‘5-7) Tribute is used in the next sentence (638). Summary EXtremely few of Freeman's revisions were made to avoid rePetition. This fact may be eXplained, at least in part, by Freeman' 8 insensitivity to style, or perhaps his lack of Concern for it. Several facts support this statement. Freeman never, for example, used repetition for emphasis: and he “Sed it for coherence only with proper nouns and Pronouns, both‘ of which are practically unavoidable. More- over, his repeating of m, an archaism for prose, in the published version, and his persistent use of unpleasant inve rsions reinforce the suspicion that Freeman's infrequent rev; 1 siOn for repetition was not due wholly to his command of ansa‘lage 121 List of Revisions Chapter,page3line Addieioee None D ion 1. young 66,732 [see ymg, same line] Sb uo 1. timed the assault 33 considered that the attack be an 65,2(b)32 [no Minimise. line 1 2' Couch seems to have regarded the attack 33 General Couch seems to have considered the advance of 65,2(b)34 [3“ attest. W: 11393 1323334] 3' I=O. 3C). 31,. 32, 3:3, 3<1. 35 36 37 38 39 undiscouraged :: making the best of thingst new :: less admonitoryt re—using :: revampingr fragments of :: excerpts from fragment :: portion eager :: anxious releasing :: preparing him :: his productivity that he has laid down for himself. Miss Porter and Mr. him. 3‘ that he admires or that have been laid down for him by Sylvia Porter and Leon Shimkin, the two literary figures he says have had the greatest influence on him manages fairly well :: manages fairly well several :: ten later volume that covered substantially the same ground :: subsequent edition of the volumeCC t He has never much gone in for rules of his own, but in a memo to his own office :: Lasser has only once set down -- in a memo- randum to his partners in the accounting firm any important rules of his own engaged :: employed whenever :: often when always :: for quite some time occupied :: had completed :: turned out He regards Shimkin as the two literary figures who have had the greatest influence on tries fairly hard :: 190 12:11 12:13 12:16 12:19 12:19 13:2 14:18 16:2 16:12-14 17:2 17:4 17:5 17:6-8 17:15 17:20 18:4 18:6 18:11 Substitutions (cont'd) 40. 41. 42. 43. 44. 45. 46. 477. 423, 4S9, so, 51. 52. 54 55 the manuscript would come back eighty percent marked up, and the weeds in the garden grew to enormous heights :: Whenever the author turned out a manuscript, the weeds in his garden would grow to enor- mous heights. supplant :: replace unenlightened :: uninformed soon after :: when a: after passed :: reached ten :: fourteen curry favor with peOple whose tax :: serve those taXpayers whose were :: began such volumes :: competing tax guidesC professes to be no longer disturbed by them :: has never taken any action against any of them just :: mostly negligible :: harmlesse t Federal Government :: Bureau of Internal Revenue If a mere hundred dollars were saved by every purchase of the yellow book, that would mean that since 1939 Lasser has clipped the Federal revenue by a billion dollars. :: If all the book's purchasers had saved a hundred and twenty-eight dollars, the total revenue reprieved annually by Lasser from Federal imprisonment would seem to come to nearly ninety million dollars. fiscal :: monetary scared :: often too scared of the government to tryc e 191 18:12,13 18:15 20:12 20:15 21:19;22:1 22:13 23:7 24:2 24:5 24:8 24:9 24:10 24:16,17 25:14-17 25:19 26:17 Substitutions (cont'd) 56. 57. 58. 59. 6(). 6:1. 6:2. 613. 6«4. 655. 665. 677. 653. 69 7O 71 72 previous :: before :: running c t comments :: allegations an income of her own from investments amount- ing to :: a taxable investment income of her own ofe his :: having him now enjoys a: had attained laws :: situation tax situation :: personal income tax forms give Vermont a :: have Vermont adOpt a some :: a given :: some stipulated told the National Tax Journal, exultingly, reported exultingly in the National Tax Journale federal government :: Bureau of Internal Revenue remained :: been It has not yet gone so far, however, as to seek to amend the existing tax laws to class- ify as deductible all work uniforms, reticence irritates Lasser. :: If it were to permit all uniformed workers to make similar deductions, Lasser's victory over the Treasury would be a monumental one. But the Bureau has made no such move (the tax court's ruling applied technically to that one nurse only), and its reluctance net- tles Lasser.m agreed on :: defined six :: twelve furnish :: comprise C the diSpute :: his case .0 and this 192 26:19 27:17 28:13 30:1,2 30:8,9 30:12 30:12 31:13 31:17 32:1 32:1 32:17-l9 35:9 36:8 37:13 37:16 193 Substitutions (cont'd) 73. the courts :: courtcc 37:17 Miscellaneous 1. then 7:8 [Revised to originally and transposed to precede.he] 2. estimatedcc 8:4,6 [Transposed to replace computed, line 6] 3. the collection of 25:9 [Added, then deleted] 194 5. Coherence Kahn's work with coherence, which was considerably less extensive than Nye's, was evidenced chiefly in (1) replacing pronouns with prOper nouns, (2) substituting a specific identification of the subject for a general identification, (3) replacing articles with possessives, and (4) repeating key words. Nouns for Pronouns Samples: (1) In an effort to keep all these and others of his books straight, and to save time, Lasser usually refers to them, in writing and conversation, merely by their initials. "I'm using HCAM again,“ he will say to a comparative and baffled, stran- ger. HE [LASSER substituted is sometimes confused himself by the assorted fruits of his own produc- tivity. (11:11-14) (2) Shimkin, he says, has taught him to aSpire to clarity, and Miss Porter to simplicity. HE [LASSER substituted] believes that the ideal paragraph should consist of no more than three sentences, the ideal sentence of no more than twelve words, and that there should be no more than one three-sylla- ble word to every ten words. (16:15-l9) In both of these examples, the original he might be misunderstood. In the first one, He might be interpreted as referring to stranger; in the second, to S m n. This type of revision is common to all the writers studied. §pgcifi§ for General Idgntificatign Samples: (1) He brought it out in an effort to protect himself 195 against competitors who, encouraged by the rocket- ing sales during the early war years of ”Your Income Tax," began flooding the market with hastily compiled, low-cost rivals to the yellow book. A number of SUCH VOLUMES [COMPETING TAX GUIDES substi- tuted] are published every year now . . . . (23:18,l9; 24:1-9) (2) PRODUCTION, COLLECTION, MANAGEMENT, MAINTENANCE, CONSERVATION OF INCOME -- IT'S FULL OF LANGUAGE LIKE THAT TO HELP THEM. [IT'S FULL OF LANGUAGE GIVING THEM DEDUCTIONS ON THINGS LIKE PRODUCTION, COLLECTION, MANAGEMENT, MAINTENANCE, AND CONSERVA- TION OF INCOME. substituted] (33:4-6) The above examples (1 and 2) illustrate Kahn's carefulness in referring to an idea more Specifi- cally. In the first example, sompsting ts; guides repeats the idea in sivsls, and establishes, per- haps unnecessarily, greater coherence than that achieved by ssch volumes. In the second example, giving them d duc i n , by being more Specific than .LQ help thgm, relates the sentence more clearly to the main point (the difference between the govern- ment's attitude toward large taXpayers and small ones). The revision also shows the general super- .iority of concreteness. Psssgssivg Pronouns for Arsicles Sample: (l) The Binghampton lawyer, one of those rare taxpayers undeterred by the prOSpect of tackling the govern- ment, took THE DISPUTE [HIS CASE substituted] into court, and Lasser rallied to his Side. (37:15-17) The change that occurs in the above example is 196 interesting chiefly because it illustrates the detailed attention given to improving coherence (the gain is noticeable though slight), and because substitution of a possessive for an article is a characteristic common to all the writers studied. .Rgpgtition sf Kg Words Samples: (1) (2) Lasser's literary output is varied. Twice a month, for a publishing organization called Business Re- ports, he turns out a tax letter called "J. K. Lasser Reports on Taxes." It has twelve thousand subscribers, who pay fifteen dollars a year for the privilege of learning Lasser's views on such sub- jects as ”There's tax shelter south of the border,” or ”Is orange juice here to stay?” Lasser began writing a tax letter FOR BUSINESS REPORTS [added] in OCtOber, 1950 e o e 0 (731-8) This type of revision, which repeats key words, is also employed for coherence by the other writers. He is presently working on a revision of the state personal income-tax form of Maryland, and he has already scored something of a triumph in Vermont. That state had long had a terribly complicated INCOME-TAX [deleted] form, and just after the Sec- ond World War, Ernest Gibson, then its governor, asked Lasser to overhaul it. (30:11-17) The deletion of income—tax in the second example represents a rarity -- an instance where Kahn de- creases coherence. In this instance, as in almost all deletions of coherence words, the original pro- vides unnecessary coherence, since the reiteration of form maintains an adequate inter-relationship. 197 Summary Kahn's work on coherence was neither extensive nor eSpecially noteworthy. He increased coherence chiefly by employing clearer references to antecedents, by identifying a tOpic more Specifically, by substituting possessives for articles, and by repeating key words. Since all of these techniques were found in Nye's revisions, they served only to confirm earlier findings. However, Kahn's method of substituting possessives for articles deserves some stress because it strengthens the indication that coherence in skillful writing derives from a variety of infrequently used techniques as well as from numerically more impressive ones. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. List of Revisions Additions for Business Reports accordingly of the following year that book copiese he to SUpplant hime prose having a to be accordingly who feels that a general tendency exists in this country to discriminate in favor of big tax payers and against small ones one Aside from some lawyer's taking an occasional potshot at Lasser, relations between the two factions have improved since they tangled in court. he of Institute 198 Page:line 12:2 12:6 12:11 15 M 18:15 18:16 25:8,9 29:19 31:7 33:1 33:12 35:4 36:11 36:16 37:6 9. 10. Deletions too his too income-tax The Bureau of Internal Revenue has not been entirely unaffected by Lasser's bristling forays against it. in her case that the Lasser contro- Another outcome of the test case was nation's lawyers and C.P.A.S -- with abstaining as a party considered too versial to problems that arise in connection Substitutions his :: Lasser's His theory :: Lasser's premisee t the :: his Here :: and in which notwithstanding all the journal- are devoted to writing hours, istic commitments he fulfills, books :: hours at the typewriter, notwithstanding all the journalistic commitments he fulfills, are devoted to writing books. the yellow book :: ”Your Income Tax" He :: Lasser nonetheless :: nevertheless the :: its more :: others 199 11:18 14:13 24:19 30:16 32:1,2 32:15 35:4-7 35:12 10:9,10 10:11,12 11:13 11:13 11:15 14:9 200 Substitutions (cont'd) 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. Inside this :: Into each folder 14:12 and explained that he wanted information on advance financing of his death :: on the pretense that he wanted to finance his burial in advancee 15:ll,l2 contemporaries :: colleagues 16:1 He :: Lasser 16:16 and Lasser thereUpon :: whereUpon Lasser 18:14 he was inSpired :: he had an inspired thought 20:12,13 color :: cover 21:3 best-selling author was born :: moment later a new literary star was bornt 21:11 while :: although 21:15 Through :: By means of 23:5 such volumes :: competing tax guidesm 24:5 does :: swallows this bait 24:15 the subject arises :: tax guides are compared 25:1 following one of its mail surveys of Lasser readers, Simon 8 Schuster concluded that users of "Your Income Tax” the year before had, by virtue of their consultation of it, saved an average of one hundred and twenty-eight dollars apiece that they would otherwise innocently, and unnecessarily, have paid the federal govern- ment. :: on the basis of one of its recurrent mail surveys of users of ”Your Income Tax," Simon 8 Schuster concluded that the grOUp had, thanks to Lasser's book, saved an average of one hundred and twenty-eight dollars apiece the previous year that they would otherwise innocently, and unnecessarily, have lavished Upon the federal government.cc 25:9-14 201 Substitutions (cont‘d) 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33. 34. 35. 36. 37. 38. Anyway :: However 25:17 scared :: often too scared of the government to trye m 26:17 comments :: allegationsm t 27:17 small :: smaller 30:11 this :: the first 31:13 which would be the state tax :: the result becoming the state tax due 31:13,l4 Lasser and the legislature compromised :: it compromised with Lasser 31:16 he declared :: Lasser stated 32:3 claimed he was :: charged him with 34:10 courts decided against him and for his adver- sary :: courts nonetheless decided in favor of the lawyerse 34:15,l6 got together in 1951, through a joint commit- tee of the American Bar Association and the American Institute of Accountants. :: In 1951, a joint committee of the American Bar Association and the American Institute of Accountants got together 35:6-8 currently with the title of Adjunct Professor of Taxation -- an annual seminar at New York University called the Institute on Federal Taxation. :: an annual tax seminar known as the Institute on Federal Taxation, at New York University, where Lasser is a non-salaried faculty member with the title of Adjunct Professor of Taxa- tion.e 36:11-13 claim :: deduction 37:8,9 the diSpute :: his casem 37:16 202 Miscellaneous 1. ultimately 18:14 [Revised to Then and tranSposed to precede the handymgn, line 13] 2. but 31:14 [Transposed to follow elementary ii that, line 15] 3. it's full of language like that to help them. 33:6 [Revised to It's full g: linggsgs giving them deductions 93 things like and transposed to precede 'pro u on', line 4] 203 60 EmphaSis Kahn increased emphasis in his writing chiefly by (1) adding facts and illustrations, (2) adding or deleting adverbs, (3) reducing digressions and cleverness, (4) selec- ting more colorful words, (5) utilizing repetition, and (6) improving rhythm. Additional Information Samples: (1) (2) (3) Lasser's colleagues in the technical-book-writing field view his productivity with astonishment, PARTICULARLY WHEN THEY REFLECT THAT UNTIL A YEAR AGO OR 80, IN ADDITION TO WRITING, HE PUT IN FOR WHAT MOST MEN WOULD BE A FULL-TIME JOB AS HEAD OF ONE OF THE COUNTRY'S BIGGEST ACCOUNTING FIRMS. [added] (16:1,2) In an effort to keep all these and others of his books straight, and to save time, Lasser usually refers to them, in writing and in conversation, merely by their initials. "I'M USING HCAM AGAIN,” HE WILL SAY TO A COMPARATIVE, AND BAFPLED, STRAN- GER. [added] (11:11-13) For a writer who continually has to resort, for lack of suitable synonyms, to such pol syllabics as ”deductibility” AND "COMPENSATION" [added], he manages fairly well to abide by his own rules. (16:19; 17:1-3) The additional fact in the first example increases the emphasis Upon sstonishment. The second and third examples comprise illustrative material only. Illustrating by means of dialogue (example 2) is a favorite method of Kahn's. And of course compgns - tion (example 3) strengthens Kahn's statement that 204 Lasser occasionally uses polysyllabics.3 Adverbs Samples: (1) Lasser's colleagues in the technical-book-writing field OFTEN [deleted] view his productivity with astonishment. (16:1,2) (2) However, it could well be, as he himself occasion- ally suggests, that he has ACTUALLY [added] helped the government in a monetary way . . . . (25:17-l9; 26:1-5) In the first example, oftsn weakens the statement by limiting it; without often the sentence gives the impression that the astonishment of Lasser's col- leagues is continuous. In the second example, sstually functions as an intensive; it adds nothing to the meaning of the sentence. Qigressions and Cleverness Samples: (1) (Lasser is inclined to overlook the fact that the KEY PRONOUN WAS BEING USED BY SIMON & SCHUSTER THREE YEARS BEFORE HE GOT INTO THE ACT, THOUGH TO BE SURE WITHOUT ANY ROLLICKING SUCCESS ["YOU” IN "YOUR INCOME TAX” ANTEDATED HIS ASSOCIATION WITH THE BOOK BY THREE YEARS substituted].) (25:3-6) (2) Every so often, Lasser has indicated a willing- ness to join the opposition, if only to try to swing 3 It is interesting to see how often details occur in pairs. A single illustration, particularly when it is made up of only one word, is almost never used. Furthermore, not only is a word often added to form a pair, but when three words are originally used, one of the three is frequently deleted. 205 it around to his way of thinking and his way of doing things. In 1943, he was invited by the then Secretary of the Treasury Henry Morgenthau to sit in with a committee set Up to simplify income-tax forms. ”My idea at the time," Lasser has Since said, "was that the Treasury ought to get the hell out of the way and let its forms be drawn Up by peOple like advertising COpywriters, who are accus- tomed to presenting things to the public in clear and simple language. But I never got anywhere. I was frustrated by technicians and statisticians." He was to be frustrated again, five years afterward, when the Treasury consecutively eXpressed interest and then lack of interest in having him forsake all other activities and spend five years trying to unscramble the jumbled laws, policies, and admin- istrative practices involved in the determination and collection of excess-profits taxes. (LASSER HAD CALCULATED THAT FIVE YEARS WAS THE MAXIMUM PERIOD HE COULD REASONABLY DETACH HIMSELF FROM ”YOUR INCOME TAX,” A PERENNIAL SOURCE OF INCOME HE WOULD HATE TO BECOME PERMANENTLY DISSOCIATED FROM; HE FIGURED THAT THE YELLOW BOOK COULD, BY VIRTUE OF THE MOMENTUM IT HAD ATTAINED, APPEAR WITHOUT ANYBODY'S NAME ON IT, BUT WITH NO DIMUNITION OF CIRCULATION, FOR FIVE EDITIONS.) [deleted] Lasser has been slightly more successful in dealing with smaller governmental entities. He is presently working on a revision of the state personal income- tax forms of Maryland, and he has already scored something of a triumph in Vermont. (29:1-7,15-19; 30:1-l4) These samples illustrate two principal ways in which Kahn stresses an important idea. In the first example, Kahn sacrifices cleverness for brevity. The mention of Simon and Schuster and the use of sollicking success both decrease to a perceptible degree the focus on Lasser. Moreover, although Kahn's use of parentheses indicates that his state- ment is an incidental one, the original version is 206 in some danger of becoming involved and thus Spoil- ing Kahn's general tone of casualness. In the second example, an incidental eXplanation clearly gets out of control, to the point where it seriously threatens the unity of the writing. Kahn's primary purpose in the paragraph is to Show Lasser's influence on state and federal tax practices, but while writing the insertion Kahn seems to get far- ther and farther away from his tOpic. The sentence is, in fact, a good illustration of how the force of association pushes a writer into a digression. The five years required to unscramble the problems of the excess-profits tax leads to ”Your Income Tax"; "Your Income Tax" in turn leads to its financial importance to Lasser; this fact leads to a third one -- that Lasser is not forsaking the profits from his book; finally, this third point seems to require an explanation of why Lasser can absent himself from the book for five years and still reap the profits. All the loose ends are thus tied Up, but in the process Kahn's writing becomes more and more diffuse. Word Choigs Samples: (1) Finally, he had edited, and written A GOOD DEAL (2) 207 [LARGE HUNKS substituted] of, seven additional tax books. (lO:l7,lB) LASSER IS FOND OF CITING THIS AUTHORITATIVE OPINION; HE HAD REMINDED THE GENERAL PUBLIC OF IT IN ”YOUR INCOME TAX,” AND HIS PROFESSIONAL READERS IN "HAND- BOOK OF TAX TECHNIQUES.“ SOME OBSERVERS OF LASSER'S EARNEST EFFORTS TO PUT JUSTICE HAND'S INJUNCTION INTO PRACTICE ARE INCLINED EVERY SO OFTEN TO MUTTER WORDS LIKE 'AVOIDANCE" OR ”EVASION.” [NOTWITHSTAND- ING THIS AUTHORITATIVE OPINION, WHICH LASSER HAS BEEN HAPPY TO QUOTE IN SEVERAL OF HIS BOOKS, SOME SMALL-MINDED PEOPLE PERSISTENTLY HINT THAT LASSER ESPOUSES TAX AVOIDANCE, IF NOT DOWNRIGHT EVASION. substituted] (27:12-17) The majority of Kahn's improvements in selecting words are of the type illustrated here. The first change is representative of the most frequently occuring kind, one in which a single word or short phrase is revised. In this particular sentence, 3 good figs; is characterless and feeble. Lssgs nsnks, on the other hand, is both fresher and stronger. In the second example, Kahn improves his writing by substituting happy tg_qgs;g for fsnd £1, a hack- neyed expression in his work, and by avoiding the prosaically-worded h£.héé {smindsg the gsnggsl pg;- 115 2; it in 'Ygu; Lgcomg Tgx,' and his pgofsssiogsl zgsgsrs Lg ”Hsndbgok g; Ts; Tsshniqug§.' Worth noting also is the close relationship to tone that such gains in emphasis have, a fact that stresses the importance of the former quality in this writing. By no means all the revisions that increase emphasis are so related, but many are. 208 flspe ion Samples: (1) (2) ”Well, I'd say to you, 'For God's sake, BE SENSIBLE [USE YOUR HEAD substituted] and make sure you sup— port him entirely one year, and your brother the next year." (28:7,8) ”All I'm ever trying to do is show PEOPLE [YOU sub- stituted] all the methods there are -- all the legal methods, mind you -- of keeping THEIR [YOUR substituted] taxes down," he SAYS [ONCE EXPLAINED TO A FRIEND, AUTOMATICALLY EMPLOYING THE SECOND-PERSON PRONOUN substituted]. (27:19; 28:1,2) Kahn's use of repetition is particularly inter- esting because, although he is writing exposition, he repeats details in a manner characteristic of fiction writers. As stated previously, Kahn's aim in this article is humor; his intent is to draw an entertaining portrait of a person. To do this he emphasizes various characteristics of the individual he is portraying. In instilling these characteris- tics in the reader's mind, Kahn does not merely mention a certain trait, illustrate, and pass on to Something else. Instead, while discussing some other aspect of his subject's habits or activities, Kahn will work in material confirming the charac- teristic previously mentioned. The technique is quite similar to the way in which a fiction writer places a character in several carefully selected situations in order to reveal the type of person the 209 character is. The two examples cited demonstrate Kahn's use of the device. Lasser, according to Kahn, likes to use Simple words. Kahn first mentions this habit when he states that ”Lasser believes that the ideal paragraph should consist of no more than three sen- tences, the ideal sentence of no more than twelve words, and that there should be no more than one three-syllable word to every ten words." (16:16-l9) Kahn apparently drOps the subject after noting that during a revision of one of his books Lasser changed ”Don't procrastinate” to ”Don't put it off until the last minute.” (17:4-6) Later, however, as the first example shows, Kahn changes, in a passage of dialogue, ”be sensible" to ”use your head.” The peculiarity revealed by the second example is much more noticeable because Kahn reiterates it more frequently. This time it is Lasser's fondness for using the second-person pronoun. Kahn first alludes to this in the sentence ”Lasser never al- leges that the government cribs from him, although he is inclined to point out, whenever tax guides are compared, that the government was never notably addicted to the use of the second-person pronoun in its fiscal literature until 'Your Income Tax' made 210 this fashionable." (24:18,19; 25:1-3) He apparently abandons the tOpic immediately, but later, while discussing accusations that Lasser is guilty of tax-evasion, Kahn changes Lasser's use of Reggie to ygg (see example 2), and also further emphasizes it by commenting Upon Lasser's addiction to the word. Ten pages later Kahn again reinforces the point by inserting ygg should (37:3).4 4 Another type of repetition, which was extensively used but which does not Show up in the revisions, possibly because it was natural for Kahn to use it, appeared in quick, ironical contrasts. Two examples of many that might be quoted are the following (the repetition is underlined): (1) One book he wrote with Sylvia F. Porter, the New York Psst's economist, ”How to Live Within Your Income,” was, by Lasser's standards, a dismaying fizzle. They had anticipated sales of a cOUple of million for it, but the general public, per- haps having no desire to live within its income, bought a mere hundred and twenty-five thousand copies. (12:6-ll) (2) Ijsjcover hsils it as ”Ths Simplest Tsx Guide Ever Writtsn.” Lasser is occasionally accused of having borrowed heavily, in the preparation of this vol- ume, from a 1943 Simon 8 Schuster twenty-five-cent book, credited to David B. Chase, which was enti- tled ”Your Personal Income Tax Guide,“ and which was nsLlsd on its cover gs "The Simplsst Tsx Guide Ever Written.” (23:8-15) BEYLEB 211 Samples: (1) (2) He applied for a small loan at a branch of the Chase National Bank, went hat in hand to a House- hold Finance office, drOpped in at Frank Camp- bell's Funeral Parlor EXPLAINING THAT HE WANTED INFORMATION ON ADVANCE FINANCING OF HIS DEATH [ON THE PRETENSE THAT HE WANTED TO FINANCE HIS BURIAL IN ADVANCE substituted], and dangled his wrist- watch in front of a West Forty-second Street pawn broker. (15:8-14) The key words in the original and revised passages, with their accented and unaccented syllables marked, are these: Original: explaining that he wanted information on \1 advance financing of His death - 'u -— \J u \I_. Revision: on the pretense that he wanted to finance U—uuu- his burial in advance It can be seen, first, that in the original there occurs an unbroken, triple series of the stress U UU—UUU—UU pattern \I\J\J- (ing that he wanted information in a: __ advance). The repetition of this pattern gives the line a rhythm that is too consistent for ordinary prose. In the revision, however, this pattern \I \J L) occurs only twice in succession (tense that he ~UVU" wanted to finance). Another legal scrap of significance to Lasser occurred, between 1946 and 1949 (legal scraps of significance rarely are settled in UNDER [LESS THAN substituted] three years) . . . . (34:4-10) (3) (4) (5) 212 For a while, WHEN HE WAS STARTING IN ON [IN THE EARLY DAYS OF substituted] "Your Income Tax," he used the handyman on a place Lasser then had in South Orange. (18:5-7) ”Your Income Tax' was a much LESS HIGH PRESSURE [MORE LEISURELY substituted] operation when it originated. (20:8,9) These three revisions reveal the attention Kahn gives to smoothness. The revisions in examples two and three are quite similar, in that the dis- agreeable sound of the originals stems largely from the immediate repetition of the consonant n (in_undsr, in 93). In the fourth example, Kahn, possibly fortuitously, adOpts a rhythm that comple- ments the meaning of the sentence, a meaning which the rhythm of high pressurs does not complement. Due to its two successive accented syllables (hi psss), the words have much more vigor than isi- sursly, which has only one accented syllable. The rhythm of leisurely, in fact, fits the sense of the word almost perfectly. In the fall of 1938, Shimkin, still persuaded that his original idea was A GOOD ONE [SOUND substituted], was casting about for someone to take over the pro- ject when he Spied a tax bulletin on his desk . . . . (21:6-10) While most of Kahn's changes in rhythm result in rhythmically slower passages, a few, like the fifth example, sacrifice slowness for briskness. None of 213 the last five syllables in the original (including the one in goog) are accented as strongly as the one in sound. Summagy Kahn's revisions for emphasis, which frequently affected tone and sometimes involved changes in meaning, were charac- terized by numerous additions of information and illustra- tions, the latter often in the form of anecdotes; by occa- sional changes in adverbs; by stress Upon an important idea, often through a de-emphasis of cleverness; by the great attention given to selecting fresh, unusual words and phrases; by the fiction-like device of reiterating, incidentally but periodically, characteristics of the person under discussion, after those characteristics were originally mentioned and then seemingly drOpped; and, finally, by extensive overhaul- ing of rhythmically awkward or too vigorous passages. Several aspects of Kahn's work were peculiar to it. One was his fiction-like use of repetition, described above. Another was his regular employment of repetition for ironical contrast, a use not revealed by his revisions, but easily observed in his original version. A third characteristic, which apparently stemmed directly from the subtle humor Kahn strives for, was the slow tempo and lack of vigor in the rhythm of his writing. An important part of this character- istic was the noticeable redundancy in the writing, a 214 redundancy that was only occasionally reduced in the draft studied, and which suggested that forceful rhythms and suc- cinctness were inimical to Kahn's style of writing. List of Revisions 215 Page:line Additions practical and permit themselves to be governed by mere emotion ”I'm revising HCAM again,” he will say to a comparative, and baffled, stranger. himself He flopped resoundingly with one called ”Farmer's Tax Handbook," for which, in view of the size of his potential audience, he had held high hOpes. "I concluded that either farmers don't pay taxes or don't keep records or aren't interested," Lasser said afterward. ”Or maybe the trouble was that they knew more about the subject than I did.” COpiesc He has fashioned numerous booklets out of "Your Income Tax,” including a special one, for the Calvert Distillers Corporation, which urged tax payers to keep their wits about them and added, ”Clear Heads Choose Calvert."t Ever on the alert for by-products of his work, Lasser arranged to have made available, free of charge, eight fragments from HTRSB to any maga- zine that cared to use them, provided only that the magazine would give a plug to the parent book. He was gratifyingly rewarded by the edi- tors of, among many other COOperative journals, Food Service News, lsysIsng Novelties, The Gift ButcherLs Advocsgs, and EsquirsLs.Apps£el Arts, which not only gave his book a boost, but said that printing a fragment of it constituted "one of the biggest scOOps in our 21 years of pub- I. lishing Esquirs's,gppsrel Arts. 10:2 10:2 11:13 11:13 12:6 12:11 12:18 12:18 216 Additions (cont'd) 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. a favorite pipe dream of his is an "Account- ants' Encyclopedia." ”1 hOpe to get it done in another ten years," he said last month. ”I expect to have my research finished in five." He is also doing research on a book on research.15:3 particularly when they reflect that until a few years ago or so, in addition to writing, he put in for what most men would be a full time job as head of one of our country's biggest account- ing firms. 16:2 and compensation" 17:2 "Suggested way to write any report,” he typed at dawn one day. "1)First you tell them what you are going to tell them. 2)Them you tell them. 3)Then you tell them what you told them.” 17:10 to SUpplant himc 18:15 copy off the press 22:5 by some custodian of a tax librarym 23:11 Lasser and the publishers didn't then want to give the impression that he was simultaneously working two sides of the same street, so they prevailed Upon Chase, who is not only a tax eXpert in his own right but also a partner in J. K. Lasser & Co. and Lasser's brother-in-law to boot, to let his name be affixed to it. 24:4 actually 25:18 the 29:3 and without chargem 32:14 ”This whacky, quixotic, somersaulting tax 33:2 only in 35:11 one that he has a rather personal stake in 36:11 powerfullyt 37:11 Additions (cont'd) 24. 5. 6. 9. 10. 11. 12. Moreover, he thought there was no reason why a lawyer's expenses incidental to a tax seminar shouldn't be deductible, if a businessman's night-club tabs, however incidental to a con— vention he is attending they may be, are deductible, as they are. leetions "I'll bet a thousand to one the new book's no goodcc oftencc his on the other hand, the student ascertained, Lasser once included, in a column he wrote for a while in the Saturday Review of Literature, a sentence of ninety words, containing nine three-syllable words, one four-syllable word, and two five-syllable words. And the sentence might have gone on interminably if he had not ended it with ”and so forth and so on."cc are two lawyers who who contribute so mightily to his works that they are sometimes known as his amanuensesCC now that Lasser has thrown into it the accu- mulation of fourteen years of research Since he assumed its authorshipcc with titles like "Your Income Tax and Tax Deductions," ”Income Tax -- the Authentic Guide," and "Ax Your Income Tax.” to bootr hastily got-UpCC innocently and thinks that the term that more aptly can be aPPlied to him is "minimization."CC 217 37:15 14:1,2 16:2 16:6 17:7-12 17:16,17 18:19; 19:1 23:1-3 24:3,4 24:4 24:8 26:19; 27:1 27:17,18 Deletions (cont'd) 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. (Lasser had calculated that five years was the maximum period he could reasonably detach him- self from "Your Income Tax," a perennial source of income he would hate to become dissociated from; he figured that the yellow book could, by virtue of the momentum it had attained, appear without anybody's name on it, but with no dimu- nition of circulation, for five editions.)cc Lasser was as happy as any paperwork general would be on being given some real trOOps to command. radically in generalm Another legal scrap of significance to Lasser occurred, between 1946 and 1949 (legal scraps of significance rarely are settled in less than three years), when a certified public account- ant in New York, who had unsuccessfully gone to court to try to collect on a bill he had submit- ted to a client for some tax advice, found him- self unexpectedly sued by the New York State Bar Association, which charged him with illegally engaging in the practice of law. The line of demarcation between law and accounting has long been a murky one, with each profession generally maintaining that the other is usurping its func- tion in society. Lasser went to bat for the accountant whom the Bar Association was after, but the courts nonetheless decided in favor of the lawyers. Shortly afterward, a reviewer of one of Lasser's books in the American gs; Asso- sistion Journsl stated that while the author of this work seemed to have a ”genius for simplifi- cation," this endowment was not always to be commended, inasmuch as ”there are some compli- cated sections of the tax law that cannot be eXplained in simple language to the lay reader." Aside from some lawyer's taking an occasional potshot at Lasser, relations between the two factions have improved Since they tangled in court. In 1951, a joint committee of the Ameri- can Bar Association and the American Institute of Accountants got together and more or less defined their respective fields of activity in tax matters. The accountants agreed to give 218 30:5-10 30:17-19; 31:1 31:15 32:16 219 Deletions (cont'd) what might be construed as legal advice only in problems that arise in connection with books they are auditing, with their making out tax returns, and with their answering questions that some lawyer has besought them to answer. Lasser sometimes finds this restriction a mite inhibiting, but he is inclined to welcome its adOption in the weeks just preceding the 15th of every March, when he is continually badgered with phone calls from casual acquaintances, inviting an interpretation of this or that para- graph of the tax law. Now he can politely beg off, on grounds of imprOpriety. Similarly, he can regretfully refrain from answering inquiring letters from readers of "Your Income Tax" -- there have been as many as ten thousand such communications in a single year -- who seek advice by mail, and can politely refer to the nearest attorney anybody who asks, as one man did not long ago, whether he can legally claim as a medical deduction, in view of his having a mild heart condition and his doctor's once having mentioned the stimulating benefits of an occas- ional nip, the purchase for personal consumption,34:4-l9; during the fiscal year just past, of twelve hun- 35:1-19; dred dollars' worth of bonded bourbon.CC 36:1-9 Substitutions have his slant :: hear him out 7:16 fond of sneaking :: likely to sneak 8:8 His theory :: Lasser's premisec t 8:10 The less Specialized magazines that he has writ- ten for, in more instances than not at gratify- ingly high rates, are legion. :: He writes for all manner of professional journals, and he also writes for general-cir- culation magazines.cc m 9:2-4 matrimony :: marriage 9:16 defy :: disregardm 10:2 creative :: writing 10:9 220 Substitutions (cont'd) 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. others :: more 10:16 a good deal :: large hunkst 10:18 moving at a ten thousand-volume-a-year clip :: averaging a thousand purchases a monthm 11:2,3 fooling around :: fiddling 12:19 thus tested :: pre-tested 13:3,4 A publisher will solicit the Opinion of a projected Lasser from five or ten thousand potential buyers, by asking if they would buy such a Lasser book if it were to be written. If the response is insufficiently encouraging, Lasser doesn't write the book, and those test- ees who indicated that they would like the projected book have to satisfy themselves as best they can with some available Lasser. In the case of 'How to Get a Capital Gain," Lasser is :: "A publisher will write to ten thousand peOple,” Lasser eXplains, "and say, 'We've got this book forthcoming, by Lasser, and would you like to be a charter subscriber?‘ Eight times out of ten, this pre-testing takes the author off the hook. If the response isn't sufficiently encouraging, Lasser doesn't write the book. The mail tests were okay on 'How to Get a Capital Gain.‘ It's an intriguing title, I guess. It will cost five dollars. You can get everything you want on the subject, Of course, out of YIT, at one ninety-five, but the theory is to rewrite the yellow book more attractively and take out a lot of the extraneous stuff. I'll bet a thousand to 13:4-19; one the new book's no good." 14:1,2 and explained that he wanted information on advance financing of his death :: on the pretense that he wanted to finance his burial in advanceC 15:11,l2 He was interested in ascertaining just what interest rate the broker would charge in case Lasser pawned it and then redeemed it. Lasser 221 Substitutions (cont'd) 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. had anticipated that the rate would be about twenty-five percent. He learned that it would be forty percent, and when he heard, shortly after his visit to the joint, that the pawnbroker had gone out of business, he felt that the public had been Spared one more menace. :: The broker offered him 7?? [sis], & said that he could redeem it on payment of what Lasser hastily computed to be forty per- cent interest. Lasser thanked him and retained the watch.cc 15:14-20 who he says :: whom he considers to 16:14 when he was starting in on :: in the early days ofcc t 18:5 and the weeds in the garden grew to enormous heights :: while weeds in Lasser's garden would grow to enormous heights 18:12,13 and the prospect of their remaining impervious to his erosive style are, in his view, Splen- did. 33 and Lasser hOpes that their training will render them impervious to his corrosive style. 19:2,3 less high pressure :: more leisurelyt 20:9 a good one :: sound 21:7 picked Up :: grabbed 21:10 chop it Up into a number of little books :: reduce itcc 22:14 Lasser is disturbed by the present bulkiness of "Your Income Tax," and, having spent four- teen years fattening the book, is now cheer- fully planning ways to reduce it :: ”Your Income Tax" has become so fat a volume now that Lasser has thrown into it the accu- mulation of fourteen years of research since 22:14; he assumed its authorship 23:1-3 negligible :: harmlessm t 24:10 222 .Sgbstitutions (cont'd) 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33. 34. 35. a figure computed at, say, $137.55 is normally listed as $138, in one or two spots he'll give it as $137 -- to see if a competitor will pick it up without Changing it. :: odd cents are generally computed to the nearest dollar, in one or two spots they'll present a computation like $137.62 as $138 rather than $137 -- to see if a rival will pick it up instead of doing his own arith- metic. 24:12-15 key pronoun was being used by Simon & Schuster three years before he got into the act, though to be sure without any rollicking success.) :: ”You" in "Your Income Tax“ antedated his association with the book by three years.)cc 25:4-6 scared :: often too scared of the government to tryc m 26:17 Lasser is fond of citing this authoritative Opinion; he has reminded the general public of it in "Your Income Tax," and his professional readers in "Handbook of Tax Techniques." Some observers of Lasser's earnest efforts to put Justice Hand's preaching into practice are inclined every so often to mutter words like "avoidance” or ”evasion." :: Notwithstanding this authoritative Opinion, which Lasser has been happy to quote in several of his books, some small-minded people persistently hint that Lasser eSpous- es tax avoidance, if not downright evasion.cc 27:12-l7 peOple :: you 27:19 their :: your 28:1 says :: once eXplained to a friend, automatically employing the second-person pronoun 28:1,2 be sensible :: use your head 28:7 a man :: you 28:11 an income of her own from investments amount- ing to :: a taxable investment income of her own ofm 28:13 Substitutions (cont'd) 36. 37. 38. 39. 40. 41. 42. '43. 44. 45. on some conferences convened with the notion Of simplifying :: with a committee set Up to simplifycc form be drawn Up by peOple who were accustomed to explaining things to the public -- say advertising writers. What you ought to have is, on no more than two sheets of paper, an invitation to put down your income and your deductions, in any damn way you want, so long as you put them down; and then have a method of computation guaranteed to give you your absolutely lowest possible tax. :: forms be drawn Up by peOple like advertising COpywriters, who are accustomed to present- ing things to the public in clear and Simple language.cc We were :: I was9 had Slightly more success :: been slightly more successful theoretical scientist would be on being pre- sented with a laboratory :: paperwork general usually is on being given some real trOOps to command. long :: for quite a while one line calling for a statement of what fed- eral income-tax had been paid for the appro- priate period, the second line calling for a 1) a declaration of what federal income tax the filer had paid during the apprOpriate period, 2)°c told the Nstional Tax Journal exultingly :: reported exultingly in the National Tax ournalm It has not yet gone so far, however, as to seek to amend the existing tax laws to clas- sify as deductible all work uniforms, and this reticence irritates Lasser. :: If it were to permit all uniformed workers 223 29:4—6 29:8-18 29:18 30:10,11 30:18,19; 31:1 31:1 31:8-12 31:14 31:17 224 Substitutions (cont'd) 46. 47. 48. 49. 50. 51. to make Similar deductions, Lasser's victory over the Treasury would be a monumental one. But the Bureau has made no such move (the tax court's ruling applied technically to that one nurse only), and its reluctance nettles Lasser.m 32:17-l9 under :: less than 34:6 courts decided against him and for his adver- sary :: courts nonetheless decided in favor of the lawyers.c 34:15,16 -- currently with the title of Adjunct Profes- sor of Taxation -- an annual seminar at New York University called the Institute on Fed- eral Taxation. :: an annual tax seminar known as the Institute on Federal Taxation, at New York University, where Lasser is a non-salaried faculty mem- ber with the title of Adjunct Professor of Taxation.0 t 36:11-13 to :: you should 37:3 more efficiently to earn :: to become more efficient in earning 37:14 Lasser, whose stake in this case is rather per- sonal -- for one thing, a victory for his side could mean a total of a couple of hundred thou- sand dollars in tax-deductible eXpenses for his student body each year -- commented on it in the Journal 9: Accountancy, shortly after the appeal from the lower court's findings was filed, :: No one is awaiting the final outcome more anxiously than Lasser, since, for one thing, a victory for his side could mean a total of a couple of hundred thousand dollars in tax- deductible expenses for his student body each year. Writing in the Journal g: Accountancy, shortly after the appeal from the lower court's findings was filed, he said,r 38:1-5 2. 3. 225 Transpositions YIT 13:19 [Transposed to replace the yellow book, which replaced YIT] each Specifically identified as the one mil- lion, five hundred thousandth 22:3 [TranSposed to follow snd Shimkin, line 5] Miscellaneous its exulting,publishers had what they identi- fied as the million, five hundred thousandth COpy grabbed off the press, handsomely boxed, and presented to its author with the apprOpri- ately inscribed thanks of Messrs. Simon, Schuster, and Shimkin. Simon 8 Schuster do not do things halfway. They had Lag cOpies boxed, each identified as the million, five hundred thousandth, and each inscribed, on February 11, 1943, by the three publishers. One inscription says, "For Yoc -- the master, with the gratitude and esteem of his pUpils of the Inner Sanctum.” The other says, "For Yoc -- with 1,500,000 congratulatory and grateful salvoes from all the Ess's of the Inner Sanctum.” :: its publishers, who never do things half— way, presented to its author two handsomely boxed COpieS, each Specifically identified as the one million, five hundred thou- sandth, each autographed on February 11, 1943, by Messrs. Simon, Schuster, and Shimkin.°° 22:1-11 Future scholars may find themselves arguing about which :: - Just as today there is Spirited debate among scholars as to which of several seemingly genuine versions of the Tolstoy edition is the original manuscript, so in future years may there be similar confusion about which of the two COpies of the yellow book is the true ... [unreadable] one hundred thou- sandth.cc 22:11 Lasser is convinced that revenue agents, no matter how conscientious, can never do a satis- factory job of educating and assisting the tax- Miscellaneous (cont'd) paying public. With the object of helping small taxpayers, whom he likes to call "the Oppressed,” grOpe through the intricacies of what he likes to call "That whacky, qui- xotic, somersaulting Federal tax law,” he once prOposed that every year all of the nation's C.P.A.S -- who now number forty- five thousand -- should offer their services free, ... [unreadable] to anybody who craved them. This quixotic prOposal got nowhere. [Added, then deleted] Lawyers would advise peOple how to take an inventory, say.cc [Added, then deleted] 226 27:7 34:13 227 7. Concision In this draft, Kahn's revisions seldom increased the concision of his writing. Of the few that did increase it, more than half did so by deleting non-repetitious material; the remaining revisions were almost wholly those that econ- omized with words without altering meaning. Deletions of repetitious ideas were negligible. Non-Repetitious Informstion Samples: (1) (2) WHEN HE GETS WHAT SEEMS TO HIM A GOOD IDEA FOR A MAGAZINE PIECE, HE USES IT OVER AND OVER, VARYING IT SLIGHTLY TO SUIT THE PARTICULAR PUBLICATION FOR WHICH IT IS DESIGNED. [deIeted] (9:4—o) ANOTHER LEGAL SCRAP OF SIGNIFICANCE TO LASSER OCCURRED, BETWEEN 1946 AND 1949 (LEGAL SCRAPS OF SIGNIFICANCE RARELY ARE SETTLED IN LESS THAN THREE YEARS), WHEN A CERTIFIED PUBLIC ACCOUNTANT IN NEW YORK, WHO HAD UNSUCCESSFULLY GONE TO COURT TO TRY TO COLLECT ON A BILL HE HAD SUBMITTED TO A CLIENT FOR SOME TAX ADVICE, FOUND HIMSELF UNEXPECTEDLY SUED BY THE NEW YORK STATE BAR ASSOCIATION, WHICH CHARGED HIM WITH ILLEGALLY ENGAGING IN THE PRACTICE OF LAW. THE LINE OF DEMARCATION BETWEEN LAW AND ACCOUNTING HAS LONG BEEN A MURKY ONE, WITH EACH PROFESSION GENERALLY MAINTAINING THAT THE OTHER IS USURPING ITS FUNCTION IN SOCIETY. LASSER WENT TO BAT FOR THE ACCOUNTANT WHOM THE BAR ASSOCIATION WAS AFTER, BUT THE COURTS NONETHELESS DECIDED IN FAVOR OF THE LAWYERS. SHORTLY AFTERWARD, A REVIEWER OF ONE OF LASSER'S BOOKS IN THE AMERICAN BAR ASSOCIA- 1ION JOURNAL STATED THAT WHILE THE AUTHOR OF THIS WORK SEEMED TO HAVE A ”GENIUS FOR SIMPLIFICATION," THIS ENDOWMENT WAS NOT ALWAYS TO BE COMMENDED, INASMUCH AS "THERE ARE SOME COMPLICATED SECTIONS OF THE TAx LAW THAT CANNOT BE EXPLAINED IN SIMPLE LANGUAGE TO THE LAY READER.” ASIDE FROM SOME LAW- YER'S TAKING AN OCCASIONAL POTSHOT AT LASSER, RELATIONS BETWEEN THE TWO FACTIONS HAVE IMPROVED SINCE THEY TANGLED IN COURT. IN 1951, A JOINT (3) (4) 228 COMMITTEE OF THE AMERICAN BAR ASSOCIATION AND THE AMERICAN INSTITUTE OF ACCOUNTANTS GOT TOGETHER AND MORE OR LESS DEFINED THEIR RESPECTIVE FIELDS OF ACTIVITY IN TAx MATTERS. THE ACCOUNTANTS AGREED TO GIVE WHAT MIGHT BE CONSTRUED AS LEGAL ADVICE, ONLY IN PROBLEMS THAT ARISE IN CONNECTION WITH BOOKS THEY ARE AUDITING, WITH THEIR MAKING OUT TAx RETURNS, AND WITH THEIR ANSWERING QUESTIONS THAT SOME LAWYER HAS BESOUGHT THEM TO ANSWER. LASSER SOMETIMES FINDS THIS RESTRICTION A MITE INHIBITING, BUT HE IS INCLINED T0 WELCOME ITS ADOPTION IN THE WEEKS JUST PRECEDING THE 15TH OF EVERY MARCH, WHEN HE IS CONTINUALLY BADGERED WITH PHONE CALLS FROM CASUAL ACQUAINTANCES, INVITING AN INTERPRETATION OF THIS OR THAT PARAGRAPH OF THE TAx LAW. NOW HE CAN POLITELY BEG OFF, ON GROUNDS OF PROPRIETY. SIMILARLY, HE CAN REGRETFULLY REFRAIN FROM ANSWER- ING INQUIRING LETTERS FROM READERS OF "YOUR INCOME TAX" -- THERE HAVE BEEN AS MANY AS TEN THOUSAND SUCH COMMUNICATIONS IN A SINGLE YEAR -- WHO SEEK ADVICE BY MAIL, AND CAN POLITELY REFER TO THE NEAREST ATTORNEY ANYBODY WHO ASKS, AS ONE MAN DID NOT LONG AGO, WHETHER HE CAN LEGALLY CLAIM AS A MEDICAL DEDUCTION, IN VIEW OF HIS HAVING A MILD HEART CONDITION AND HIS DOCTOR'S ONCE HAVING MEN- TIONED THE STIMULATING BENEFITS OF AN OCCASIONAL NIP, THE PURCHASE FOR PERSONAL CONSUMPTION, DURING THE FISCAL YEAR JUST PAST, OF TWELVE HUNDRED DOL- LARS' WORTH OF BONDED BOURBON. [deleted] (34:4-19; 35:1-19; 36:1-9) Lasser is disturbed by the present bulkiness of "Your Income Tax,” and, having Spent fourteen years fattening the book, is now cheerfully planning ways to CHOP IT UP INTO A NUMBER OF LITTLE BOOKS [REDUCE IT substituted]. (22:12-15) LASSER IS NOT IMPRESSED BY THE CLAIMS HIS PUBLISH- ERS MAKE FOR THE AMOUNT OF MONEY HE SAVES THE TAX- PAYERS WHO FOLLOW HIS BOOKS. HE THINKS HE COULD SAVE PEOPLE EVEN MORE. [IN ANY EVENT, LASSER BELIEVES HE COULD, GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY, SAVE TAX- PAYERS EVEN MORE THAN SIMON & SCHUSTER BELIEVES HE SAVES THEM NOW. substituted] (26:6-8) The motivation for these revisions is not clear. The information in the first example may have been 229 thrown out because it anticipates to some degree a subject Kahn treats more thoroughly later (see “Lasser is forever revamping material he has used before. Nearly every book he has published contains great chunks of information, some of it hardly re— worded, that he has used in earlier books.” 12:16-18) The phrasing is also somewhat routine, and this, plus the first factor mentioned, possibly led to the deletion. The second example, which is by far the longest passage that Kahn deletes in the draft, is, in part, even more puzzling. Most of this material (down to the words Lisser sometimes finds shis restriction 2 fliLfi inhibiting) seems fairly interesting, and it illustrates effectively the court battles which Lasser engages in. The rest seems to be deleted because it departs from the legal skirmishes being discussed, and because it lacks brevity, always one of Kahn's requirements when he inserts an incidental comment. However, in Spite of these faults, at least the anecdote of the bonded bourbon would seem to be worth keeping. In the last two examples, the best explanation seems to be that the discarded information (the ref- erence to little books and Lasser's feeling about 230 his publisher's claims) are not sufficiently impor- tant to be retained. Economy with Words Sample (implied meanings): (l) Lasser always has a flock of books simultaneously in the process of composition. At the moment, he is actually working on eleven of them -- six revis- ing jobs and five originals. There are eight others in what he likes to call a "pipe-dreaming stage.” He keeps them straight in his own mind by maintaining a large, black, loose-leaf folder for every manuscript. Into each folder, he tosses whatever new COpy he writes and whatever suitable fragments he chips out of old books, WITH THE OBJECT OF INSERTING THEM IN NEW ONES [deleted]. (14:6-14) Although the revisions in which Kahn saves words without changing the thought are few, they are significant in that they Show techniques of con- cision that occur in the other writers. The first example illustrates the quite frequent occasion in which words can be omitted because their basic meaning is suggested by the remaining words. The essential meaning of the deleted with the sgject 2i inserting them in new ones is carried by the final words of the preceding sentence: .Qy maintsin- ing s largs, black, looss-leaf folder for svery msnuscrips. Samples (general verbs and nouns): (1) "Your Income Tax" has become so fat a volume that much of the information it contains is OF 231 [deleted] far too recondite A NATURE [deleted] for the run-of—the-mill taXpayer. (23:1-5) (2) In 1943, he was invited by the then Secretary of the Treasury Henry Morgenthau to sit in ON SOME CONFERENCES CONVENED WITH THE NOTION OF SIMPLIFY- ING [WITH A COMMITTEE SET UP TO SIMPLIFY substi- tuted] income-tax forms. (29:3-7) The first example, which also represents a common method of increasing concision, shows the elimina- tion of a general noun (nature) and subsequent reliance Upon an adjective (recondite). Similarly, the noun in the third example (notion) is dead wood. Summary Kahn increased the concision of his writing almost wholly by deleting non-repetitious information and unneces- sary words. Practically no deletions of repetitious material occurred. Kahn's gains in concision, while not of great importance, were useful in establishing the similarity of certain techniques of concision in the different writers. For example, the fact that Kahn's deletion of non-repetitious information accounts for a major part of his concision indi- cates that early drafts of writers probably include a con- siderable amount of what they consider excess material, of a non-repetitious kind. Second, the negligible quantity of repetitious material deleted in Kahn's draft SUpports the conclusion that skillful writers seldom incorporate this type of information even in their early drafts. Third, 232 Kahn's deletion of general nouns also strengthens the evi- dence that much redundant writing stems from the use of such words. And when one considers Kahn's discursive and occasionally diffuse style and eSpecially his frequent failure to employ verbs efficiently, his removal of these general nouns certainly emphasizes the importance of this technique in getting concision. Finally, the fact that many of Kahn's compression revisions sharpened eMphasis SUpports the inference, suggested by the work of the other writers, that an increase in concision ordinarily causes an increase in emphasis. List of Revisions 233 Page:line Additions None Deletions 1. When he gets what seems to him a good idea for a magazine piece, he uses it over and over, varying it slightly to suit the particular publication for which it is designed. 2. as he does whenever he writes 3. ”If you're going to get married, do so before Jan. 1, 1952," he enjoined. 4. He has collaborated also on four book length pamphlets. 5. publishers of ... [unreadable] 6. "I'll bet a thousand to one the new book's no good."9 7. In the writing of tax and business books, so much material must necessarily consist of citing regulations and rulings and court cases that there is unavoidably a lot of duplication. 8. with the object of inserting them in new ones 9. oftene 10. so clearly 11. On the other hand, the student ascertained, Lasser once included, in a column he wrote for 'a while in the Saturday Review of Literature, a sentence of ninety words, containing nine three-syllable words, one four-syllable word, and two five-syllable words. And the sentence might have gone on interminably if he hadn't ended it with "and so forth and so on."9 9:4-6 9:14,15 9:18,19 lO:16,l7 11:19 14:1,2 14:3-5 14:14 16:2 16:6 17:7-12 234 Deletions (cont'd) 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. who contribute so mightily to his works that 18:19; they are sometimes known as his amanuensese 19:1 was 21:12 now that Lasser has thrown into it the accumu- lation of fourteen years of research since he assumed its authorshipe 23:1-3 from time to time 24:6 hastily got-Upe 24:8 members of this 25:11 There is, however, no way of ascertaining the accuracy of such figures. 25:16,17 and thinks that the term that more aptly can by applied to him is "minimization."e 27:17,l8 It all boils down to this. 28:19 I regard the Treasury as being an advocate for the revenue. I'm an advocate for the taxpayer. We're just on Opposite Sides. That's the way it should be. 28:19 in Washington 30:2 (Lasser had calculated that five years was the maximum period he could reasonably detach him- self from "Your Income Tax," a perennial source of income he would hate to become dissociated from; he figured that the yellow book could, by virtue of momentum it had attd.ned, appear with- out anybody's name on it, but with no dimuni- tion of circulation, for five editions.)e 30:5-10 when individuals had tried to take them 32:9 professions 34:11 Another legal scrap of significance to Lasser occurred, between 1946 and 1949 (legal scraps of significance rarely are settled in less than three years), when a certified public account- ant in New York, who had unsuccessfully gone to 235 Deletions (cont'd) court to try to collect on a bill he had submit- ted to a client for some tax advice, found him- self unexpectedly sued by the New York State Bar Association, which charged him with illegally engaging in the practice of law. The line of demarcation between law and accounting has long been a murky one, with each profession generally maintaining that the other is usurping its func- tion in society. Lasser went to bat for the accountant whom the Bar Association was after, but the courts nonetheless decided in favor of the lawyers. Shortly afterward, a reviewer of one of Lasser's books in the American Bar Asso- Ciation Journal stated that while the author of this work seemed to have a "genius for Simplifi- cation," this endowment was not always to be commended, inasmuch as "there are some compli- cated sections of the tax law that cannot be eXplained in simple language to the lay reader." Aside from some lawyer's taking an occasional potshot at Lasser, relations between the two factions have improved since they tangled in court. In 1951, a joint committee of the Ameri- can Bar Association and the American Institute of Accountants got together and more or less defined their reSpective fields of activity in tax matters. The accountants agreed to give what might be construed as legal advice only in problems that arise in connection with books they are auditing, with their making out tax returns, and with their answering questions that some lawyer has besought them to answer. Lasser sometimes finds this restriction a mite inhibiting, but he is inclined to welcome its adOption in the weeks just preceding the 15th of every March, when he is continually badgered with phone calls from casual acquaintances, inviting an interpretation of this or that para- graph of the tax law. Now he can politely beg off, on grounds of imprOpriety. Similarly, he can regretfully refrain from answering inquiring letters from readers of "Your Income Tax” -- there have been as many as ten thousand such communications in a single year -- who seek advice by mail, and can politely refer to the nearest attorney anybody who asks, as one man did not long ago, whether he can legally Claim as a medical deduction, in view of his having a mild heart condition and his doctor's once hav- 236 Deletions (cont'd) ing mentioned the stimulating benefits of an occasional nip, the purchase for personal con- sumption, during the fiscal year just past, of 34:4-19; twelve hundred dollars' worth of bonded bour- 35:1-19; bon.e 36:1-9 Substitutions The less Specialized magazines that he has written for, in more instances than not at gratifyingly high rates, are legion. :: He writes for all manner of professional journals, and he also writes for general- circulation magazines.e m 9:2-4 the manuscript of ‘each :: every manuscript 14:12 He was interested in ascertaining just what interest rate the broker would charge in case Lasser pawned it and then redeemed it. Lasser had anticipated that the rate would be about twenty-five percent. He learned that it would be forty percent, and when he heard, shortly after his visit to the joint, that the pawn- broker had gone out of business, he felt that the public had been Spared one more menace. :: the broker offered him ??? [sis], & said that he could redeem it on payment of what Lasser hastily computed to be forty percent interest. Lasser thanked him and retained the watch.e 15:14-20 a full-time job :: full-time 16:2 later volume that covered substantially the same ground :: subsequent edition of the volumem t 17:5,6 Lasser's mind often races faster than his typewriter, and furthermore, his fingers do not always touch the right keys. He loves informal punctuation, especially dashes, but often when he hOpes to indicate a "-", he manages instead to strike a "6." It is Up to the book department to straighten him out. ”Occasionally we know what Lasser means,” one member of the department said recently, “but 237 Substitutions (cont'd) 10. 11. 12. 13. we don't think other peOple will." :: not to mention decipher his somewhat erratic 17:16-20; typingt 18:1-3 when he was starting in on :: in the early days ofe t 18:5 ChOp it Up into a number of little books :: reduce ite 22:14,15 of far too recondite a nature :: far too recondite 23:4 is cribbing :: cribs 24:19 key pronoun was being used by Simon & Schuster three years before he got into the act, though to be sure without any rollicking success.) :: "You” in ”Your Income Tax" antedated his association with the book by three years.)e 25:4-6 following one of its mail surveys of Lasser readers, Simon & Schuster concluded that users of ”Your Income Tax" the year before had, by virtue of their consultation of it, saved an average of one hundred and twenty-eight dollars apiece that they would otherwise innocently, and unnecessarily, have paid the federal gov- ernment. :: on the basis of one of its recurrent mail surveys of users of ”Your Income Tax," Simon & Schuster concluded that the members of this grOUp had, thanks to Lasser's book, saved an average of one hundred and twenty- eight dollars apiece the previous year that they would otherwise innocently, and unnec- essarily, have lavished Upon the federal government.c 25:9-14 Lasser is not impressed by the claims his pub- lishers make for the amount of money he saves the taxpayers who follow his books. He thinks he could save peOple even more. :: In any event, Lasser believes he could, given the Opportunity, save taxpayers even more than Simon & Schuster believes he saves them now. 26:5-8 Substitutions (cont'd) 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. Lasser is fond of citing this authoritative Opinion; he has reminded the general public of it in ”Your Income Tax," and his professional readers in "Handbook of Tax Techniques." Some observers of Lasser's earnest efforts to put Justice Hand's preaching into practice are inclined every so often to mutter words like "avoidance" or "evasion." :: Notwithstanding this authoritative Opinion, which Lasser has been happy to quote in several of his books, some small-minded peo- ple persistently hint that Lasser eSpouses tax avoidance, if not downright evasion.e on some conferences convened with the notion of simplifying :: with a committee set Up to simplify6 form be drawn up by peOple who were accustomed to explaining things to the public -- say advertising writers. What you ought to have is, on no more than two Sheets of paper, an invitation to put down your income and your deductions, in any damn way you want, so long as you put them down; and then have a method of computation guaranteed to give you your absolutely lowest possible tax. :: forms be drawn up by peOple like advertising COpywriters, who are accustomed to present- ing things to the public in clear and simple language.e in an attempt to clarify :: trying to unscramble one line calling for a statement of what fed- eral income-tax had been paid for the appro- priate period, the second line calling for a :: l) a declaration of what federal income tax the filer had paid during the apprOpriate period, 2)6 to help rectify what seemed to her an injust- ice. Since it already seemed that to Lasser, and since he is a man of gallantry, he has— tened to oblige :: for helpi and Lasser gallantly rose to the occasion 238 27:12-17 29:4 29:9-18 30:2,3 31:8-12 32:11-13 239 Substitutions (cont'd) 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 2. the practice of law and the practice of :: professions 34:11 One outcome of that tussle was that in some legal circles Lasser is viewed with something less than benevolence. A reviewer in the American Bar Association Journal of one of his books, "What You Should Know About Estate and Gift Taxes," attested that :: ‘ Shortly afterward, a reviewer of one of Lasser's books in the American Bar Associa- 34:16-19; tion Journal remarked that 35:1 have resolved to confine themselves, when it comes to giving what might be construed as legal advice, to problems :: agreed to give what might be construed as legal advice, only in problems 35:10,ll the courts :: courtm _ 37:17 case has been decided against the Binghampton man :: lawyer lost 37:17,l8 Miscellaneous estimatedm 8:4,6,7 [Transposed to replace computed, line 6] its exulting publishers had what they identi- fied as the million, five hundred thousandth COpy grabbed off the press, handsomely boxed, and presented to its author with the apprOpri- ately inscribed thanks of Messrs. Simon, Schuster, and Shimkin. Simon.& Schuster do not do things halfway. They had-Lag COpies boxed, each identified as the million, five hundred thousandth, and each inscribed, on February 11, 1943, by the three publishers. One inscription says, "For Yoc -- the master, with the gratitude and esteem of his pUpils of the Inner Sanctum." The other says, ”For Yoc -- with 1,500,000 congratulatory and grateful salvoes from all the Ess's of the Inner Sanctum." :: its publishers, who never do things half- way, presented to its author two handsomely Miscellaneous (cont'd) 3. 4. boxed COpies, each Specifically identified as the one million, five hundred thou- sandth, each autographed on February 11, 1943, by Messrs. Simon, Schuster, and Shimkinee Future scholars may find themselves arguing about which :: Just as today there is spirited debate among scholars as to which of several seemingly genuine versions of the Tolstoy edition is the original manuscript, so in future years may there be Similar confusion about which of the two COpies of the yellow book is the true ... [unreadable] one hundred thou- sandth.e [After this revision, the passage is deleted] Lawyers would advise peOple how to take an inventory, say.e [Added, then deleted] 240 22:1-11 22:11 34:13 241 8. Tone As stated previously, in his article Kahn aimed primar- ily to entertain the reader. Since humor set the general tone of the writing, to describe the humor is to describe the tone. Kahn's humor was characterized by casualness, achieved partly by the use of irony and partly by indirectness in phrasing, an indirectness which frequently utilized more or less subtle implication and which was sometimes gained at the expense of forcefulness. His writing was also charac- terized by a preference for the literary and SOphisticated word, for the unusual word, and by a pronounced liking for polysyllabic and Latin forms. A third characteristic -- and one that tempered the preceding ones -- was restraint. Kahn carefully avoided any bursts of verbal fireworks. Often such restraint was clearly for the sake of pace and contrast, but it was also occasionally due to a desire to present facts clearly and quickly, to avoid distracting the reader with cleverness. In this kind of writing, fidelity to tone is highly important, because tone is integral to the attraction that the style holds for the reader. It is a style that requires a remarkable command of language, an ability to handle com- plex sentences, a knack of understatement, and what can be called a restrained disreSpect for the subject. Because tone classifications may be more Open to contro- 242 versy than other classifications, a larger number of examples of tone changes than the usual eight-to-one ratio will be cited. Samples: (1) (2) Lasser's books are not unvaryingly successful. One book he wrote with Sylvia F. Porter, the New York Post's economist, ”How to Live Within Your Income,” was, by Lasser's standards, a dismaying fizzle. They had anticipated sales of a couple of million for it, but the general public, perhaps having had no desire to live within its income, bought a mere hundred and twent -five thousand COpies. The authors, UNDISCOUR- AGED [MAKING THE BEST OF THINGS substituted], rewrote the work last year, gave it the NEW [LESS ADMONITORY substituted] title of "Managing Your Money," had had it published by Henry Holt 8 Co. (12:6-l4) This change brings out Kahn's irony more clearly. If, as is likely, undiscougagsg is also used iron- ically, then Kahn possibly felt that it was too subtle. In the second revision in this sentence (ass to sdmonitory), Kahn's wit is at the eXpense of the writers being discussed, an example of the disreSpect mentioned earlier. EVER ON THE ALERT FOR BY-PRODUCTS OF HIS WORK, LASSER ARRANGED TO HAVE MADE AVAILABLE, FREE OF CHARGE, EIGHT FRAGMENTS FROM HTRSB TO ANY MAGAZINE THAT CARED TO USE THEM, PROVIDED ONLY THAT THE MAGAZINE WOULD GIVE A PLUG TO THE PARENT BOOK. HE WAS GRATIFYINGLY REWARDED BY THE EDITORS 0F, AMONG MANY OTHER INFORMATIVE JOURNALS, FOOD SERVICE NEWS, TOYS AND NOVELTIES, . . . AND ESQUIRE'S APPAREL ARTS, WHICH NOT ONLY GAVE HIS BOOK A BOOST, BUT SAID THAT PRINTING A FRAGMENT OF IT CONSTITUTED "ONE OF THE BIGGEST SCOOPS IN OUR 21 YEARS OF PUB- LISHING ssQUIRE'S APPAREL ARTS." [added] (12:18) While his purpose here is ostensibly to illustrate (3) (4) (5) 243 Lasser's habit of using old material (see line 15), Kahn also seems anxious to utilize the barb he throws at Esquire's Apparel Arts (see longhand note in Upper right hand corner of page 12 of Appendix C). Kahn often ends Sentences and paragraphs in this satirical manner, thus accentuating or main- taining his general tone. Its cover [Lasser's book ”Your Personal Income Tax”] hails it as "The Simplest Tax Guide Ever Written." Lasser is occasionally accused by some custodians of tax libraries of having borrowed heavily, in the preparation of this volume, from a 1943 Simon & Schuster twenty-five-cent book, credited to David B. Chase, which was entitled ”Your Personal Income Tax Guide,” and which was hailed on its cover as ”The Simplest Tax Guide Ever Written." THERE IS NO PLAGIARISM INVOLVED HERE, HOWEVER, FOR CHASE IS LASSER'S PARTNER AND BROTHER-IN-LAW, AND [WHAT THE LIBRARIANS HAVE NO WAY OF TELLING, EXCEPT BY GUESSWORK, IS THAT substituted] the Chase book, which came out only that one year, was written by Lasser. (23:8-18) This example illustrates Kahn's use of indirect- ness. In his revision he simply avoids stating directly that plagiarism has not been committed. The Binghampton lawyer, one of those rare taXpayers NOT LEERY OF [UNDETERRED BY THE PROSPECT OF substi- tuted] tackling the government, took his case into court, and Lasser rallied to his side. (37:15-l7) In this rather striking example, Kahn, by his revision, gives to the lawyer a cool poise, a qual- ity present in Kahn's own writing. He had, of course, been aware of this section of the law, but IT WAS HIS CONTENTION that his Tax 244 Institute did not comprise post-graduate education but, rather, was Simply a means of helping peOple to become more efficient in earning their daily bread and butter, and in COping with termites. (37:11-15) The above sentence, which is actually a final version insofar as this draft is concerned, illus- trates the force which Kahn sometimes sacrifices to maintain his casual tone. Here he uses a use- less ”to be" verb (wss), and places his main idea in a noun (contention). A more concise and vigor- ous rendering would be ”he contended that.” W§§.i means 9; helpigg is also wordy, and could be re- duced to ”helped.” But the point seems to be that, although force is probably admirable in most kinds of writing, in certain types such as Kahn's an increased energy is undesirable. A partial re- write of the sentence demonstrates this: He had, of course, known about this section of the law, but he contended that his Tax Institute did not comprise post-graduate education but, rather, Simply helped peOple become more effi- cient in earning their daily bread and butter, and in COping with termites. Rewritten in this way, the sentence certainly has more vigor, but the vigor is stylistically incon- gruous with the rest of the writing.5 5 Nor is there much probability that Kahn was unaware of the possibility of tightening his writing. The fairly numer- ous instances of increased concision argue against it. (6) (7) 245 Lasser's colleagues in the technical-book-writing field view his productivity with astonishment. ”HIS [YOC'S substituted] performance is really amazing," a rival tax author remarked not long ago to an acquaintance. "The average guy writing a book on this complicated, involved stuff has got to have a library. Well, Lasser has no library at home. Yet there are few peOple who can get taxes down on paper so expertly, so succinctly. He just sits there, at that typewriter, and pounds away. Sure, the stuff comes out rough and raw. Sure, sometimes it's wrong, sometimes it's garbled, but it's always full of ideas. I guess you could call him the Thomas Wolfe of our profession." (16:1—10) The use of Yos, a nickname for Jacob, Lasser's first name, helps create an atmOSphere of casual- ness in the writing. Thomas Wolfe had to be edited extensively, and so does Lasser. Unlike the novelist, Lasser has faced this nettling issue head on and, for the past five years, has employed two full-time assistants who do nothing but sift, correct, and generally polish his raw material. THEY ARE TWO LAWYERS, WHO REFER TO THEMSELVES AS HIS BOOK DEPARTMENT. LASSER'S MIND OFTEN RACES FASTER THAN HIS TYPEWRITER, AND FURTHER- MORE, HIS FINGERS DO NOT ALWAYS TOUCH THE RIGHT KEYS. HE LOVES INFORMAL PUNCTUATION, ESPECIALLY DASHES, BUT OFTEN WHEN HE HOPES TO INDICATE A ”-," HE MANAGES INSTEAD TO STRIKE A ”6.” IT IS UP TO THE BOOK DEPARTMENT TO STRAIGHTEN HIM OUT. ”OCCA- SIONALLY WE KNOW WHAT LASSER MEANS,” ONE MEMBER OF THE DEPARTMENT SAID RECENTLY, "BUT WE DON'T THINK OTHER PEOPLE WILL.” [, NOT To MENTION DECIPHER HIS SOMEWHAT ERRATIC TYPING. THEY ALLUDE TO THEMSELVES As HIS)BOOK DEPARTMENT substituted]. (17:13-18; 18:1-3 The prefacing phrase not 12 mention, a favorite of Kahn's, exemplifies the "incidental” type of humor that he employs. This revision also illus- trates Kahn's habitual briefness when handling humor. (8) (9) (lo) (11) (12) (13) (14) 246 Usually this brevity materially strengthens the casualness. In the course of adapting "How to Live Within Your Income” into ”Managing Your Money,” he decided to FIND OUT [ASCERTAIN substituted] for himself just how the man on the street would fare if he walked into various institutions that offer to make finan- cial arrangements. (15:3-8) A year ago, on the basis of one of its recurrent mail surveys of users of "Your Income Tax,” Simon & Schuster concluded that the grOUp had, thanks to Lasser's book, saved an average of one hundred and twenty-eight dollars the previous year that they would otherwise innocently, and unnecessarily, have HANDED OVER TO [LAVISHED UPON substituted] the fed- eral government. (25:9-14) He lasted five years, by which time he had been grappling with so much RAW [UNREFINED substituted] Lasser prose for so long that, in his employer's Opinion, his judgment had become impaired. (18:15-17) However, it could well be, as he himself occasionally suggests, that he has helped the government in a monetary way -- in part by educating peOple to make out their tax returns correctly, thus enabling the government to SAVE [ECONOMIZE substituted] on the administrative expenses of COping with eccentrically filled-out forms . . . . (25:17-19; 26:1-5) Lasser is PAINED [DISTRESSED substituted] by such COMMENTS [ALLEGATIONS substituted]. (27:17) But the Bureau has made no such move and its reluc- tance IRRITATES [NETTLES substituted Lasser. (32:18,l9) Lasser was POWERFULLY [added] annoyed. (37:11) Of samples eight to fourteen, the first five substitutions (ascertain, lavished, snrefined, econ- smize, sliegstisns) reveal Kahn's fondness for the 247 literary word. None of these, it will be noticed, are one-syllable words, and two are polysyllabic. His selection of the Latin-derived snrefined for the Anglo-Saxon.;sw indicates the trend of his choices, as does sllsgations, another Latin-derived word. The last two samples (the substitution nettles and the addition powerfully) illustrate fairly typically Kahn's search for unusual and startling words. Such freshness contributes to the over-all SOphistication. Summary Kahn's writing was notable for its care with tone; in relation to those of the other writers, his revisions for tone were extremely numerous; only his revisions for meaning and emphasis outnumbered them. Moreover, although a few of these changes altered the meaning or affected the emphasis as well as the tone, the great majority (over three-fourths) of them served no other purpose than to establish and main- tain the urbane, witty, slightly mocking quality of the writing. This result Kahn obtained by using irony and satire; by utilizing indirectness, and sometimes wordiness, in han- dling ideas; by selecting literary, polysyllabic, and Latin- derived words; and by employing fresh, unusual words. 5. 248 List of Revisions Page:line Additions thus joggled 8:11 eloquentlym 8:19 'the assorted fruits ofm 11:14 He has fashioned numerous booklets out of "Your Income Tax," including a Special one, for the Calvert Distillers Corporation, which urged tax- payers to keep their wits about them and added, "Clear Heads Choose Calvert.”e 12:18 Ever on the alert for by-products of his work, Lasser arranged to have made available, free of charge, eight fragments from HTRSB to any maga- zine that cared to use them, provided only that the magazine would give a plug to the parent book. He was gratifyingly rewarded by the edi- tors of among many other COOperative journals, Food Service News, lgys BBQ Novelties, The Gift .snd.figs,§gyers, The Sporting Goods Dealer, ButCher's Advocate, and Esquire's Apparel Arts, which not only gave his book a boost, but said that printing a fragment of it constituted ”one of the biggest SCOOps in our 21 years of pub- lishing ssquire's Apparel Arts."e 12:18 a 777 [sic] dollar one 15:13 reasonably 30:6 One gratifying aspect of Lasser's perpetual bickering with the government over what is or is not deductible is that it has been an uncon- tested point that the cost to purchasers of all Lasser's books -- assuming that these are bought to use in the production, collection, management, maintenance, or conservation of income, and not merely to read for pleasure -- is a perfectly deductible outlay. 34:3 powerfullye 37:11 10. 11. 249 Substitutions one letter :: a single missive 7:9 the same :: an identical 7:13 a prankish :: one 8:7 tossing :: merrily flinging 8:10 His theory :: Lasser's premisec e 8:10 getting hitched at once :: having the ceremony performed before the end of the yearm 9:17 plus :: not to mention 9:18 a good deal :: large hunkse 10:18 undiscouraged :: making the best of thingsm 12:11,l2 new :: less admonitorym 12:13 A publisher will solicit the Opinion of a pro- jected Lasser from five or ten thousand poten- tial buyers, by asking if they would buy such a Lasser book if it were to be written. If the reSponse is insufficiently encouraging, Lasser doesn't write the book, and those testees who indicated that they would like the projected book have to satisfy themselves as best they can with some available Lasser. In the case of ”How to Get a Capital Gain," Lasser is :: ”A publisher will write to ten thousand peo- ple,“ Lasser eXplains, "and say, 'We've got this book forthcoming, by Lasser, and would you like to be a charter subscriber?‘ Eight times out of ten, this pre-testing takes the author off the hook. If the reSponse isn't sufficiently encouraging, Lasser doesn't write the book. The mail tests were okay on 'How to Get a Capital Gain.‘ It's an intri- guing title, I guess. It will cost five dol- lars. You can get everything you want on the subject, of course, out of YIT, at one ninety- five, but the theory is to rewrite the yellow book more attractively and take out a lot of the extraneous stuff. I'll bet a thousand to 13:4-19; one the new book's no good.”9 14:1,2 Substitutions (cont'd) 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. toothsome excerpt :: suitable fragments has cut :: chips find out :: ascertain biggest :: major His :: Yoc's used :: employed later volume that covered substantially the same ground :: subsequent edition of the volumecc m call themselves :: refer to themselves :: allude to themselves Lasser's mind often races faster than his type- writer, and furthermore, his fingers do not always touch the right keys. punctuation, eSpecially dashes, but often when he hOpeS to indicate a "-”, he manages instead to strike a "6". It is Up to the book depart- ment to straighten him out. "Occasionally we know what Lasser means," one member of the department said recently, ”but we don't think other peOple will." :: Not to mention decipher his somewhat erratic typing.cc jerky :: informal wants :: hopes when he was starting in on .“ in the early days ofcc e raw :: unrefined works :: toil :: labor less high pressure :: more leisurelye christened :: dubbed convinced :: persuaded He loves informal 250 14:13 14:13 15:5 16:2 16:2 17 h 17:5,6 17:16,17 17:16-20; 18:1-3 17:19 17:20 18:5 18:16 20:1 20:9 20:17 21:7 Substitutions (cont'd) 29. 30. 31. 32. 33. 34. 35. 36. 37. 38. 39. 40. 41. 42. 43. 44. 45. 46. 47. 48. 49. noticed :: Spied job :: project best-selling author was born :: moment later a new literary star was bornc autographed :: affectionately inscribed average :: run-of—the-mill simple :: uncomplicated There is no plagiarism involved here, however, for Chase is Lasser's partner and brother-in- law and :: What the librarians have no way of telling, except by guesswork, is that deliberately :: saucily negligible :: harmlesse m handed over to :: lavished Upon modestly :: patriotically save :: economize derived :: got put Justice Hand's preaching into practice :: carry out Justice Hand's injunction pained :: distressed comments :: allegationsm drOpping :: forsaking :: forsake in an attempt to clarify :: trying to unscramblec wouldn't :: declined to promptly claimed such :: generally :: chronically forthwith took those 251 21:8 21:8 21:11 22:4 23:5 23:8 23:15-17 24:9 24:10 25:13 25:18 26:2 27:2 27:15 27:17 27:17 30:2 30:2,3 31:14 32:7 32:8 252 Substitutions (cont'd) 50. 51. 52. 53. 54. 55. 56. 57. 58. correct :: rectify 32:11 to help rectify what seemed to her an injust- ice. Since it already seemed that to Lasser, and Since he is a man of gallantry, he has- tened to oblige. :: for helpE and Lasser gallantly rose to the occasion c 32:11-13 It has not yet gone so far, however, as to seek to amend the existing laws to classify as deductible all work uniforms, and this reticence irritates Lasser. :: If it were to permit all uniformed workers to make similar deductions, Lasser's victory over the Treasury would be a monumental one. But the Bureau has made no such move, and its reluctance nettles Lasser,e m 32:17-l9 admired :: commended 35:2 tiffing :: embroiled 36:10 -- currently with the title of Adjunct Profes- sor of Taxation -- an annual seminar at New York University called the Institute on Fed- eral Taxation. :: an annual tax seminar known as the Institute on Federal Taxation, at New York University, where Lasser is a non-salaried faculty member with the title of Adjunct Professor of Taxa- tion.c e 36:11-13 other :: fellow 36:16 argument :: contention 37:12 not leery of :: undeterred by the prospect of 37:16 Miscellaneous "poor, Oppressed 33:1 [Revised to and who often refers 19 this 1stter categggy ii ”the gpprsssed." and transposed to follow snd sgainst small ones (33:1, insert)] 253 9. Unclassified In Spite of the SOphistication one usually associates with New Yorker articles, a characteristic which it was thought would lead to considerable difficulty in categorizing changes, only a small number of revisions in Kahn's work proved unclassifiable. Samples: (1) (2) (3) (4) (5) He applied for a small loan at a branch of the Chase National Bank . . . and dangled his wrist- watch in front of a West Forty-second pawn broker. The BROKER [PAWN BROKER substituted] offered him 7?? [sis], and said that he could redeem it on payment of what Lasser hastily computed to be forty percent interest. (15:8-14) Lasser's two present watchdogs, who contribute so mightily to his works that they are sometimes known as his amanuenses, are both lawyers, and the prOSpect of their remaining impervious to his ero- sive style are, in his view, EXCELLENT [SPLENDID substituted]. (18:19: 19:1-3) Since 1949, Lasser's tax-guide competitors have included the Bureau of Internal Revenue, which has been GETTING [PUTTING substituted] out a twenty- five-cent instructional manual entitled ”Your Federal Income Tax.” (24:16-18) However, it could well be, as he himself occasion- ally suggests, that he has helped the government in a monetary way -- in part by educating peOple to fill out their tax returns PROPERLY [CORRECTLY substituted] . . . . (25:17-19; 26:1-5) He is aware that the Federal government has asserted that nine out of every [ten] mistakes it finds in individual income-tax forms seem to favor the tax- payer concerned; Lasser asserts that this ratio is the result of the government's searching exclusively for that kind of mistake, and IGNORING [CLOSING ITS EYES TO substituted] evidence of errors the other way around. (26:11-15) 254 In the first example, the original word broker is probably a mental ”slip,” as the use of ping broksr in the preceding sentence suggests. Broksr may also be traceable to its association with Eggs; National gsgk, None of the changes in the remain- ing four examples seem to vary the meaning, empha- sis, tone, or any other quality of writing in the slightest. Excellen , for example, is often used to define splendid. thti g 933 and patting out are both informal expressions having, in certain contexts, the same meaning; in this instance, they mean pzodusing. Corrsctly is a synonym for pggpssly, and closing its 2Y£§.LQ is a common figure of Speech which, like ignore, means to disregard something. Summary The only remarkable qualities of the unclassifiable changes in Kahn's work were their small number and the fact that they affected the writing so negligibly. In view of the artful style practiced by Nsw Yorker writers, both char- acteristics seemed unusual. One would imagine that revision of SOphisticated writing would produce many changes so slight in their effects that classification of them would be ex- tremely difficult. One would also imagine that the person analyzing such changes would get at least a weak impression 255 that certain qualities in the writing were being affected. The unclassifiable revisions in Nye's work constantly gave one this feeling. But Kahn's changes created no such impres- sion. The explanation for these apparent anomalies, however, is not hard to find. To begin with, the subtlety in Kahn's work was not the subtlety of ideas, but of humor. To prove this it is only necessary to point out that, although the person Kahn used as a subject is a tax eXpert, Kahn was producing, not an informative article on taxes or tax laws, but a witty character sketch. He used facts, but he used them only to illustrate some humorous aSpect of the person's character. With humor the main quality of the writing, the job of identifying effects in it was fairly simple in con- trast to the job of identifying effects in writing that dealt with ideas, as Nye's writing did. Humor probably does not have, so consistently at least, the minute gradations possessed by ideas. For this reason, humorous effects that appeared subtle in a revision were far less subtle when they were seen in the process of formation. Compared to the deft and polished irony of a third or fourth revision, an early one was often as obvious as burlesque humor. Hence it was fairly easy, in most cases, to see what the writer wanted to do. This recognition of purpose was also made easy by, rather paradoxically, one of Kahn's methods of achieving 256 subtlety. In revising he frequently deleted phrases (and occasionally paragraphs) to avoid laboring a point. These deleted excesses, which over-played his humor, often plainly revealed his intent. Because of these factors, the unclassified revisions in Kahn's writing suggested only that SOphisticated and semi- informational humorous prose of this type is easier to analyze than more Serious writing. The revisions did not demonstrate to any marked degree the tenuous but noticeable effects that such revisions can make. List of Revisions 257 Page:line Additions None Deletions 1. one year 24:10 2. to boot 34:9 3. Lasser's jaundiced view of the government's 37:19; position 38:1 Substitutions 1. hear :: have 7:16 2. volumes :: pieces :: volumes 11:5,6 3. three hundred dollar :: small 15:8 4. broker :: pawnbroker 15:14 5. commented :: remarked 16:3 6. hit :: touch 17:19 7. home :: place 18:6 8. excellent :: splendid 19:3 9. promptly :: shortly 20:15 10. contained :: consisted Of 21:1 11. costs :: retails at 21:17 12. will be :: is normally 24:13 13. getting out :: putting 24:17 14. asserts :: says :: claims :: alleges 24:18,l9 Substitutions (cont'd) 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 2. magic :: key prOperly :: correctly grappling :: COping on :: in ignoring :: closing its eyes to afraid :: frightened carry out :: obey labyrinthine :: jumbled revamp :: overhaul has written :: once wrote impervious :: unaffected by such professional eXpenditures as :: professional eXpenditures like are reluctant :: hesitate disallowed :: rejected taking on :: tackling TranSpositions have [TranSposed to follow "HgndbOOkigi Cost Accounting Methods,” line 7] Miscellaneous a ... [unreadable] of his unusually breezy style, considering its [Added, then deleted] Only once has it sold less than seven hundred thousand COpies a year. The 1951 edition was the one that fared so comparatively poorly.... [unreadable] [Added, then deleted] 258 25:4 26:1 26:2 26:12 26:15 27:5 27:15 30:3 30:17 31:4 32:1 37:16 11:8 21:17 Miscellaneous (cont'd) 3. 5. as Lasser himself patriotically points out [Revised to 13 fig himself occasionally £19- gssgs and transposed to follow it could well gs, line 18] fill [Revised to filled- and transposed to follow sccentrically, 26:2] made out [Revised to make and transposed to follow sducating PEEPL§.LQ; 25:19] 259 25:18 25:19 26:3 260 10. Summary of Chapter The less important findings in Kahn's revisions were, first, that grammar and undesirable repetition presented few or no problems to him. These facts corroborated similar evidence in the work of Nye and Freeman. Second, the changes in Kahn's work that proved impossible to classify were few, a characteristic that evidently stemmed from the fact that humor, and not ideas, was of paramount importance in the writing. His few unclassifiable revisions differed markedly from similar revisions in the work of Nye and Freeman in that they rarely altered perceptibly the tone, emphasis, or other quality of the writing. Other and more important points were that concision and coherence played minor roles in the revisions; that tone, relative to the other writers' work on it, required many revisions; that emphasis was stressed heavily; and that exact meaning was stressed more than any other quality. Concision in Kahn's work derived almost exclusively from the deletion of non-repetitious information and economy with words. The results found in these revisions were important chiefly because, first, they SUpported the indication that the deletion of non-repetitious material is a major factor in reducing wordage during every stage of writing except, probably, a very late one. Second, since Kahn's deletions of general nouns accounted for a reSpectable share of his 261 revisions involving economy with words, one can infer with fair certainty that general nouns cause considerable prolix- ity in the work of even practiced writers. Third, many deletions, and eSpecially those involving non-repetitious information, by increasing the stress on the material that remained, also increased the emphasis of the writing. This relationship was also recognized in the work of the other writers. Finally, the fact that Kahn's revisions increased concision so little suggested that the tone and general effect of SOphisticated writing of this kind depend to a certain extent at least Upon diffuseness. Kahn's work on coherence, which was marked by the use of clearer references, more Specific identification of ideas, replacement of articles by possessives, and the reiteration of key words, testified to the consistent presence of these methods, all of which were also found in Nye's changes. Kahn's substitutions of possessives for articles warrants Special mention because they strengthened the evidence that good coherence Springs from seldom used techniques as well as from frequently used methods. The frequency of revisions needed to establish and main- tain the witty and urbane tone of the writing was impressive, particularly when contrasted to similar revisions in the work of the other writers. Kahn achieved his tone by sharp- ening his irony and satire; by increasing his indirectness; 262 by selecting literary words, and polysyllabic and Latin- derived words; and by finding fresh words. Although some of these revisions were related to emphasis, the majority of them affected only tone. The revisions that increased emphasis included numerous additional bits of information and numerous illustrations, many of which were anecdotes. On the fairly frequent occa- sions in which Kahn seemed interested almost wholly in presenting facts, those facts were usually highlighted by playing down the wit. This decrease in cleverness probably emanated from several interacting motives: from a desire for sharper contrasts and better pace, and for clarity undisturbed by humor. His substitutions of fresh words and phrases for stale ones also aided emphasis. Repetition, too, played a strong part; several originally minor points of humor, such as Lasser's use of ”you” in speaking and writing, were built Up, through revisions that took advantage of repetition, into major points. This technique, which appeared in neither Nye's nor Freeman's work, resembled the way in which fiction writers build Up character. Emphasis was also considerably enhanced by the correction of clumsy rhythms. Kahn revised to improve faulty rhythms more than any other writer. The original passages demon- strated the undesirability of repeating more than orice the pattern of three unaccented syllables followed by an accented 263 syllable (VUU ""’). A unique aSpect of Kahn's sentence rhythms was the consistent lack of, and even avoidance of, brisk phrasing. These slow rhythms stemmed to a noticeable extent from the wordiness of the writing. Numerous passages in the writing could have been tightened without loss of meaning; but, as pointed out earlier in this summary, redun- dancy seemed to be integral to the SOphisticated tone, and it is probable that, in most instances, tightening the writing would have affected the tone adversely. 0f the extremely large grOUp of revisions that increased exactness of meaning, a sizeable number replaced one idea with a distinctly different one, usually by noun and verb substitutions, much less frequently by adjective substitu- tions. However, the largest number of meaning changes, as in the other writers' work, modified only slightly already existing ideas, normally through the selection of different adjectives and adverbs. In view of the light subject matter of the article, perhaps the most impressive fact about revisions of meaning was their numerical superiority to all other types of revisions made by the writer. 264 CHAPTER IV A COMPLETE ARTICLE FROM ESQUIRE 1. Description of Material The material studied in this section was a complete draft1 of MacKinlay Kantor's ”Dear Old Ghost of Mine,” an article published in Esqgiss in November, 1945. The stage of writing the draft represented was impossible to deter- mine. A comparison of the draft's final form to the pub- lished version revealed almost no changes, a circumstance that suggests a late draft. However, other evidence con- tradicts that supposition. The deletion of a long paragraph on page two, the numerous corrections of faulty repetitions, and the presence of a passage (on pages one and two) which indicates that Kantor was analyzing a reader's reaction all point to the draft's being an early one. Before revision the manuscript draft contained about 4,600 words. In revising this material, Kantor made approx- imately 435 changes. Practically all these revisions af- fected single words or phrases; very rarely did they involve entire paragraphs or sentences. Because the draft contained I The manuscript was obtained from the Public Library, Coral Gables, Florida. 265 a large number of revisions, and because the changes affected many phases of writing, the material proved extremely useful, particularly in demonstrating the potentialities of punctua- tion. For the material cited in this chapter the reader is referred to Appendix D. 2. Grammar and Punctuation2 The revisions Kantor made to correct grammar and punc- tuation were numerous, chiefly because of the large number of comma additions. Samples: (1) Even as I did this, [comma added] I felt a certain pressure fighting me all the time I drew on the fabric. (10:19-21) (2) As I stared at the core of light on the wall, [comma added] it began to assume a more Specific shape. (16:19-21) (3) ”Oh, [comma added] I get the idea: (17:16,17) Many of Kantor's revisions are comma additions setting off subordinate phrases and clauses, chiefly introductory clauses such as those in the first two examples, and interjections, such as illustrated by example three. Kantor is not consistent in his handling of such elements; many short introductory clauses of four or five words he leaves unpunctuated; 2 ThEOughout this chapter, all ellipses (. . .) in the sentences cited are those made by Kantor. 266 similarly, many interjections are not set off. Possibly a desire for greater emphasis motivates the majority of these comma revisions, but many of them, like those cited above, do not markedly help emphasis, although they do increase it slightly in some sentences. (4) She was quite full Up these days, what with the V-bombs having stOpped nearly a fortnight before, [comma added] and more peOple coming back to Lon- don every day . . . no, nothing on the first floor. (4:5-8) (5) The next day I dashed to Truxley Court, picked Up my bag, [comma added] and encountered Kostal on the train bound for Bedford. (7:6-8) Examples four and five illustrate the frequency with which Kantor separates two or more parallel elements. Again there is no consistency in Kantor's use of the comma with such elements; often he sepa- rates them, but sometimes he does not. And there is always the faint suggestion that the commas are added to increase the reader's ease of immediate comprehension (the sentence in example five is a good illustration of this), or to bring out the rhythm of a person's Speech (as the comma in the fourth example may be doing). But these are shad- owy impressions, and probably the best guess is that such revisions as these are chiefly a bow toward punctuation custom. (6) (7) 267 I was working for USSTAF, [comma added] and they had flown me suddenly over to Britain from France, to consult with an 8th Air Force Officer. (7:16-l8) It was Six minutes after three, [comma added] and the house was very quiet; so was all of London. (9:13,l4) In example six, which illustrates the major type of comma revisions, the comma is apparently added only to conform to the practice of using it with coordinating conjunctions to separate long inde- pendent clauses. In this sentence the first clause is quite short, although originally longer; but the second one is fairly long. In addition, the background information which the Sentence SUp- plies does not warrant emphasis, a fact that SUp- ports the thesis that this type of change is made primarily in deference to custom. In example seven, the revised sentence, which is also compound, contains the frequent type of comma revision that increases emphasis and coherence while at the same time conforming to conservative punctuation practice. Which of these three factors was the principal force is impossible to determine, but that the addition of the comma stresses LEE Eggss.gss,1s;y qgiss is quite clear. The increased coherence in the revised passage is perhaps less 268 attributable to the comma than to the semicolon, because the semicolon (before sg) may be the major cause for the feeling that the passage is more coherent. However, the comma addition, which di- vides the first two clauses and thus decreases the speed of the writing, enables the reader to sepa- rate the two ideas (time and quietness) more easily. Summary Kantor's revisions for grammar and mechanics made Up a large grOUp, compared to similar revisions in the work of the preceding writers. It was an unusually interesting group because most of the changes consisted of comma addi- tions that represented one aSpect of Kantor's striking con- cern with punctuation, which was evident in so many of this writer's changes. The majority of these comma additions were used to separate independent clauses; a smaller number of them set off interjections and subordinate introductory clauses and phrases. While the formal demands of punctuation seemed to cause the majority of these revisions, coherence and emphasis may have been factors in some of them. Both the increased coher- ence and emphasis were at least peripheral effects, with emphasis the stronger of the two. The slight but recognizable gains in coherence and emphasis among the revisions in this 269 grOUp made it a notable one that underscored the importance of punctuation quite aside from the part it plays in achiev- ing clarity. This importance will be discussed more exten- sively in the section on emphasis. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 270 List of Revisions Additions Page:line 10:23 11:6 11:21 12:1 12:18 14:6 Additions (cont'd) 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 1. 2. (I) ‘1 0‘ U] A O O O Q 10. .11. $12. 1:3. l<1. that Deletions Substitutions 2O :: 20th did I ever meet :: to meet Up he or she or them is or are :: the Spook or spooks is or areC 10 :: 10th 20 - 21 :: 20th - 2lst with :: whenc altogether :: all together poltergeister :: poltergeist but :: except for poltergeister :: poltergeist in :: with has :: had is :: was . :: :e 271 14:9 14:26 16:20 16:25 16:25 17:16 18:22 7:2 8:17 10:18,19 12:10 13:3 13:19 14:1 14:9 14:9 14:23 Substitutions (cont'd) 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. It didn't seem to stand out from the wall. Neither the core nor the area of discern- ible light that surrounded it, but a mass of brilliance was slowly taking shape :: It didn't seem to stand out from the wall: neither the core nor the area of discern- ible light that surrounded it. But a mass of brilliance was slowly taking shape.e voice :: voices and those :: . Thosec 272 15:9-12 15:16 15:17 18:10 18:13 273 3. Repetition The deletions and substitutions which Kantor made to avoid poor repetition were considerably more numerous than those of the other writers studied. Samples: (1) (2) (3) (4) When I say that I met Up with ghosts there in THAT [A substituted] quiet room in South Kensington, I mean just that. (1:3-5) THEN SUDDENLY [deleted] on the afternoon of April 20th, I found myself back in London again. (7:15,16) In this case, my whole desire was to lick THESE POLTERGEISTER [THE ANTAGONIST substituted] by brute strength, if indeed my strength could be called brutal -- to figuratively kick the chief polter- geist in the seat of the pants, or at least reduce him to heartbreak because he couldn't manage to draw off those covers. (12:12-17) In the first sentence (example one), Lflil orig- inally occurs three times, and the unpleasantness of its triple use is further accentuated by the position of the third one at the end of the sen- tence. In the second example, Then_suddenly is deleted because of Kantor's use of suddenly later, in line 17 (”they had flown me suddenly") and in line 19 ("It was necessary to suddenly find lodg- ings”). The one in line 19 was also deleted. Such a SOUND [BABBLE substituted] might be noticed if one stood at the far end of a large house, and heard a party and a funeral simultaneously in prog- ress in rooms on another floor and at the Opposite end of the house. (15:19-22) 274 This change clearly stems from the use of sounds and s sggnd earlier (lines 13,14). Moreover, not only does babble avoid a weak repetition; it also increases emphasis. For a Similar gain, see the revision of utterances to hullsbaloo (15:24). Summagy In his revisions Kantor showed the same awareness of unpleasant repetition as did the other writers; however, he revised to avoid poor repetition considerably oftener than the others. The reasons for this larger number are, however, iMpossible to determine: they may Stem from the earliness of the draft, or the rapid way in which Kantor may write, or a poor vocabulary. In any event, the important point is that the material illustrated effectively that Such errors are corrected in revisions, and that the corrections often .sharpened the emphasis by colorful or more exact words. 'N13 None 2. 3. List of Revisions Additions Delstions to London [see is London, lines 12,13] "The only one [see the only one, line 25]e out [see ou , line 5] Then suddenly [see suddenly, lines 17 and 19] suddenly [see suddenly, lines 15 and 17] more [see mggs, line 14] Yet [see And yss 15:26] It was da light [see 1; was, line 12; ts, line 13 CC gray [see easy, 3:26] Substitulions there in that :: a [see shst, lines 3,5] London :: Britain [see is London, line 1] houses :: structures [see houses, line 21; house, line 22] I ShOpped along :: I tagged [see I'd ShOp ground, line 17] a :: the [see 1 very, line 7] my :: the [see my, line 25] down :: into [see down, line 11] 275 Page:line 7:15 7:19 15:14 16:1 18:ll,l2 19:14 3:22 4:17,18 Substitutions (cont'd) 8. 9. 10. ll. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. gives :: throws [see gave, lines 19,20] haul :: drag [see hauled, 10:19] these poltergeister :: the antagonist [see lines 7,10,15] antagonist of the bed clothing :: Opponent [see sntagonist, 12:13] sound :: whiSper [see sound, line 5] from :: of [see from, line 6] sound :: babble [see sound, lines 13,14]e m sound :: utterance [see sound, lines 13,14]m utterances :: hullabaloo [see utterances, line 23]e seem :: appear [see seem, line 1] saw :: perceived [see saw, line 24] body :: weight [see body, line 26] side :: body [see side, lines 23,25] Transpositions I was really :: Really I was [see 1 remember, line 13; l 993 back, line l5]t 276 11:25 12:5 12:13 13:1,2 13:3 15:6 15:19 15:23 15:24 16:2 16:23,24 17:24 17:26 8:16 277 4. Meaning The grOUp of revisions in Kantor's draft that altered meaning was a large one that illustrated a writer's custom- ary difficulty in transmitting his ideas accurately. The grOUp was made Up of three sub-divisions, the smallest of which consisted of revisions that aarrected ambiguities and illogical statements. The second and considerably larger subdivision was formed by revisions that replaced one idea with a totally different one. And the third sub-division, which equalled the second in size, consisted of revisions that limited or extended existing ideas and information, often with greater Specificness. Ambiguity Samples: (1) She remembered me now. She remembered, too, that I hadn't returned to sleep [THERE added] that pre- vious night and she shook her LITTLE [deleted] finger waggishly, suggesting indecorous frolics in which I might have indulged on the night of April 10th. (8:5-9) (2) I am about as uncourageous a man as you EVER MET IN YOUR LIVES [COULD MEET substituted]. (10:27; 11:1) In the original, the second sentence of the first example is ambiguous, because it might be interpreted to mean that Kantor came back to the room, went to sleep, woke Up, and then could not get to Sleep again. That idea, of course, is not what he means, because the reader knows that Kantor never returned 278 to the lodging house at all that night (see 7:1—3). The addition of thgs prevents any momentary misun- derstanding. In the second example, the original statement is illogical because, obviously, few if any readers of the article ever met the author. By substituting could meet for ever met in your lives, Kantor corrects the illogicality. Both types of revisions sometimes result in unin- tentional humor, as the use of little flags; in the first example demonstrates. Here, ittle, which seems to be this writer's favorite and eventually most deleted adjective, presents the possibility that the woman is shaking her smallest finger reprovingly, an action commonly and more easily performed by the forefinger. Esplscement,_f Ideas Samples: (1) (2) I didn't remember the street [NUMBER added], but it was only half a block from the turning; I recognized the house readily when I saw it. (7:23-25) I CLOSED [LOCKED substituted] the door, turned off the light, Opened the window, and looked into the gray night before I went to bed. (9:2-4) (3) My opponent was a POWERFUL [STUBBORN substituted] demon but assuredly a silent one. (13:1-3) In the first example the change is readily 279 recognized; Kantor apparently did remember the street, but not the house number. The substitution in the second example is espe- cially interesting, because.LQcked also carries the action of closing the door, and because it reduces the possibility that the subsequent ap- pearance of the ghost can be attributed to non- psychic machinations. The substitution of stubborn for powssful is also interesting, because it shows that even prac- ticed writers have trouble being consistent. The description that precedes and follows the sentence cited emphasizes the ghost's persistence, not strength. For instance, Kantor first became aware of the phenomenon when the bed covers began ”Slid- ing slowly and steadily toward the foot of the bed." (10:1,2) Later, ”a certain pressure" was fighting him ”all the time” he was pulling the c0vers back Up around him (10:20); still later, Kantor described the force as ”a dull pressure -- like the power of inertia” (14:1), and, ”The first moment I relaxed my grip or shifted my weight, how- ever slightly, the covers started to go down again." (14:3,4) 280 Limitstion and Extension Samples: (1) (2) (3) The best way I could describe the phenomenon is to say that it looked A LITTLE [deleted] like the mysterious wavery flare of a radium compound. (14:21-23) Beyond the foot of the couch, on the south wall next to the one big window, was a KIND OF [deleted] hall-tree where you could hang coats and clothing. (6:12-14) I lay with my weight pinioning the crumpled bed- clothes on ONE [MY RIGHT substituted] side, and with my LEFT [added] elbow locking a mat of sheet and blanket and comforter against my body. (17:24-26) The first two examples illustrate Kantor's fre- quent removal of words that weaken his eXpression, usually because they are vague. The words 1 little, for instance, reduce the positiveness of the com- parison. AS noted before, little mars Kantor's early writing in the draft; he uses a total of twelve originally. But in the final stage of this draft he has only six. Kind g: is another weak eXpression that occurs frequently. In the sentence in the second example, kind 9: dulls the reader's image of the hall tree he is supposed to imagine. A ”hall tree” is fairly easy to imagine; a ”kind of hall tree” is almost impossible. It can be seen from these two examples that the 281 eXpurgation of certain weak words changes both the meaning and the emphasis of the writing. Hence many of the revisions represented by the sentences just cited are classified under both categories. In the third example, the addition of glght to identify the side and 1:11 to identify the elbow provides a much more Specific and therefore more easily graSped picture of the action than the orig- inal passage provides. .LQLE is eSpecially impor- tant. Summary Kantor used many revisions to alter meaning. A small number of this group corrected ambiguities and illogical statements that marred the smoothness and clarity of the writing and sometimes produced undesirable humor. A larger grOUp of these revisions replaced one idea with another, apparently to maintain consistency in action or description. 11. 12. 13. List of Revisions Additions , [below] ,C number vacant there chief left Deletions serenely rathere get Up nerve enough tocc bunches ofcc e quiet kind ofcc e small little aboute a littlee sometimese modern Steadily 282 Page:line 5:9 7:24 8:6 10:25 12:15 17:25 1:13 1:15 2:22 6:13 6:17 9:13 14:22 14:24 15:20 16:19 283 Deletions (cont'd) 14. 15. 16. 17. 10. 11. 12. stubbornlye 17:8 quickly 17:12 cleare 17:16 kind Ofe 17:20 Substitutions To the best of my observation and knowledge and recollection I did have :: It was 1:5,6 is :: is or was 1:14 me because it settles an argument which I have been pursuing with myself for most of my forty-one years :: After existing completely ghost-less for forty-one years, it is very satisfying 1:15,l6 if we were once :: when once we were 3:15 floors :: floor 4:8 looked :: trottede 4:10 with an earnest looking face :: earnestlycc 4:10 seemed :: it looked 4:16 She was right about the room being small. It was, I Should say, about fourteen feet in length and certainly not more than six or eight feet wide. :: She was correct. The room was about ten or twelve feet in length and certainly not more than seven feet wide.cc e 5:1-3 in some earlier year :: by some earlier generatione 5:5 a third or fourth floor hall bedroom :: third or fourth floor hall bedrooms 5:17 Between :: Beyond 6:12 284 Substitutions (cont'd) l3. forgot :: forget 7:12 14. the :: one 7:14 15. doing a little work :: workingcc 7:16,17 16. in the later or earlier days of :: duringcc 7:21 17. I was sure I would remember the house if I saw it :: I recognized the house readily when I saw itCC 7:25 18. a :: the 9:1 19. closed :: lockede 9:2 20. on :: at 9:11 21. the :: a 9:15 22. nowadays :: these days 9:17 23. one :: visible entitye 10:15 24. If :: When ' 11:1 25. ever met in your lives :: could meet 11:1 26. into the war :: overseas 11:11 27. overseas :: to the ETO 11:13 28. By :: All 12:25 29. powerful :: stubborn 13:2 30. get the covers Up around me again :: retain the coverscc 13:11 31. of :: on 14:14 32. a pitch dark night :: the darkcc 14:25 33. five :: ten 15:7,8 34. sound :: babblee r 15:19 35. observed :: noticed 15:19 Substitutions (cont'd) 36. a room :: rooms 37. sound :: utterancer 38. certain :: Specific 39. one :: my right 40. Spring-bolts :: Spring-bolt 41. did :: do 42. army :: RNVR 43. by :: beside TranSpositions 1. was at the time :: at the time wase 285 15:21 15:23 16:20 17:25 18:13 18:16 19:11 19:14 19:6 286 5. Coherence Kantor's numerous revisions for coherence employed a variety of methods, their outstanding general characteristic being the skillful handling of punctuation. To increase coherence, Kantor used principally (1) re-paragraphing, (2) ellipses, (3) commas, (4) dashes, (5) references to time and place, (6) possessive adjectives and demonstratives for articles, and (7) semicolons. Be- P...§.a r SEAL] 1 n 9 Sample: (1) Well, that was the room. And you and I can now leave it until the night of April 20th—215t, because I didn't stay there that first night. After dinner I Spent the evening with a friend in Hampstead, and we talked until so late that I had to Spend the night out there; the underground had stOpped running and there weren't any taxicabs. m [added] The next day 1 dashed to Truxley Court, picked Up my bag, and encountered Kostal on the train bound for Bedford. He said that he had come back late to Truxley Court and had Spent a comfort- able night. Certainly he didn't have ghosts on his mind. I had paid Mrs. Stuart her prescribed thirteen-and-six, and Truxley Court easily slid out of my mind -- the way you forget that little hotel in JOplin or Fort Wayne where you happened to Spend one night, and to which you do not eXpect to return. (7:1-14) Most of Kantor's re-paragraphing revisions either separate a description from an action or divide a descriptive passage or action passage into clearly defined parts. In the example cited above, Kantor divides an action passage, and his justification for it can be easily seen: the re-paragraphing aids Ellipsss 287 in giving the impression that a night has passed. The Opening words of the new paragraph (The next gsy) provide the major part of the continuity, but the re-paragraphing also helps. Sometimes re-paragraphing also results in greater emphasis (see 1:3) and in a few cases improves the readability of an originally over-long passage (see 6:12 and 6:22). Sample: (1) Cgmmss I went into the hall and down the half flight of stairs to the bathroom at the second-floor-rear. [. . . substituted] On the way back to my room I looked at my wristwatch. (9:10-l3) Kantor uses ellipses skillfully to strengthen the continuity of his writing. Many of these changes, like the above example, indicate an omitted action; others signify omitted dialogue (see 4:2) or the passing of time (see 18:11). In almost all such revisions, the writer uses ellipses only to strength- en coherence that is already fairly well-established by such words as On the gsy back (above example). His use of ellipses thus resembles his use of re- paragraphing. Samples: (1) Sundry later explorations about the premises (when (2) (3) 288 I was searching for a bathroom where some Spinster tenant hadn't locked herself in already) proved that the same plan followed on the first floor, [comma added] below, [comma added] and on the third and fourth storeys above. (5:6-10) The comma additions in this sentence illustrate how carefully Kantor attends to his coherence. If below were not set off by the commas, a forgetful reader might not know, until he comes to lhird and fourth storeys above, that the Speaker is on the second floor, beCause the information is given on the preceding page (4:17-20). By setting off bslow, however, Kantor leaves no necessity for remembering. The gain in coherence is perhaps slight, but it is a gain. For a long moment I thought that in some peculiar manner I must have wound my foot in the bed-clothing, [comma added] and that somehow the weight and pres- sure of my foot were dragging the covers. (10:3-6) After that fourth onslaught, I dragged the whole mass of bed clothing up against increasing pressure, [comma added] and locked the stuff around me. (13:7-9) Examples two and three illustrate Kantor's frequent addition of commas to separate similar sentence ele- ments in order to prevent any momentary misunder- standing. In the sentence in example two, some possibility exists that the reader will have a very fleeting impression that Kantor, the ”I" in the story, has wound his foot in the bed-clothing and (4) 289 also in something else. This impression would of course be almost immediately corrected by 1&3; following ing; but, as in his use of ellipses and re-paragraphing, Kantor does increase the coherence slightly. The second sentence, in example three, is Similar. In order to prevent the reader's interpreting the and following pressure as perhaps signalling another sort of force, Kantor uses a comma to indicate a compound verb and object. This type of comma addi- tion is numerically Kantor's principal device for increasing coherence. The attempts came not in a sly or quick jerky motion, [comma added] but with a dull pressure -- like the power of inertia, like whole chunks of gravity dangling from the foot of the bed. (13:25; 14:1-3) Example four illustrates a less frequent use of the comma. The writer's purpose here is apparently to decrease the Speed of the writing. By slowing the writing in this way he makes it easier for the reader to follow the ideas or actions. Besides increasing coherence, this type of comma revision often adds emphasis; in this sentence, for instance, the phrase 22L.ELLD.EHQELL pzsssure receives slightly greater stress because of the comma that precedes it. 290 Sample: (1) About the time I was settled, [ -- substituted for comma] turned on my right side in the smooth, nar- row bed, the wa I Sleep habitually, [ -- substi- tuted for comma I suddenly became aware that someone was trying to pull the covers off me. (9:22-25) Most of Kantor's revisions with the dash replace commas. Most of them also clarify passages in the manner of the revision cited above. If, as in the original, lurned 23 my slgh; side lg the_smooth, narrow bed, ths wsy l_sleep hsbisually is set off only by commas, there is considerable danger that the reader will consider this paSsage, momentarily at least, as an additional action separate from seltls . But by substituting dashes, the author gives a clear signal that the material makes up an appositive. On rare occasions Kantor employs the dash much as he does ellipses -- to indicate omission of action or dialogue; in so doing he reduces abruptness (see 7:27). Occasionally too he uses a dash that does not clarify the writing appreciably but does slow it down, with perhaps a minute gain in emphasis (see 7:12). 291 grammes Sample: (1) She was so glad to oblige me . . . . she remembered that I hadn't returned to sleep THAT PREVIOUS NIGHT [THERE THE NIGHT OF APRIL 10TH substituted], and She Shook her finger waggishly, suggesting indeco- rous frolics in which I might have indulged on the night of April 10th. (8:5-9) Although Kantor makes very few additions that orient the reader to time and place, probably be- cause he originally incorporates an overabundance of such guide posts (see deletions of lg London, 1:14; is London, 3:14), the few he does add are interesting illustrations of his care in preventing uncertainty in the reader. In the above revision, for example, he substitutes a Specific date for the relatively vague that previous nlghg. It will be noticed that the exact date, April 10th, is included in the sentence originally, but at the very end; yet he seems to feel that he should men- tion the date as soon as he refers to his previous experience. Kantor's revision, in other words, suggests an unqualified reSpect for immediacy. This observation seems borne out also by his addi- tion of ln_§ngland at the very beginning of his article (1:1). 292 Demonstrative and Possessive Pronouns for Articles Sample: (1) On the way back to THE [MY substituted] room I Semicolon looked at my wristwatch. (9:12,13) Kantor's work on coherence is fairly notable for its substitution of possessives for articles, and less so for its substitution of demonstratives for articles. The coherence gained by these methods is slight but still noticeable enough to mark them as useful devices. The technique appears in all the writers studied. Samples: (1) (2) We intended going our separate ways when once we were billeted, [semicolon substituted] but together we applied for rooms, and together we were directed by the billeting officer to No. 40 Truxley Court, in the south end of Kensington. (3:14-18) After dinner I spent the evening with a friend in Hampstead, and we talked until so late that I had to Spend the night out there. [semicolon substituted] The [lhs substituted] underground had stOpped running and there weren't any taxicabs. (7:3-6) Kantor uses the semicolon expertly; by replacing commas, periods and snd's with it, he brings out the relationship of ideas and actions much more clearly. His substitution of the semicolon for the comma in the first sentence cited, for instance, sharpens the contrast between the plans of the two men to separate and their action in applying for 293 rooms together. In the second example, the semicolon links the cause-and-effect relationship more closely than does the period. Kantor's frequent use of the semicolon in such passages illustrates clearly the usefulness of this device. In addition to the methods just discussed, Kantor also took advantage, though to a less impressive degree, of pre- paratory words, coordinating conjunctions, colons, and similar devices. Samples: (1) I was now hearing sounds . . . perhaps a sound would be correct. It was more like a murmur of distant voices than anything else I can think of now or could think of then: voices of a number of human beings. Those distant peOple were Speaking or wailing or laughing rapidly, but they seemed incredibly far away. Such a babble might be no- ticed if one stood at the far end of a large house, and heard a party and a funeral simultaneously in progress in rooms on another floor and at the Oppo- site end of the house. MOST ASSUREDLY [added] I could hear voices. I knew that they were the utterance of humans, that they were many in number, and that their hullabaloo ran from caterwauling through speechifying and gos- sip into honest laughter. And yet I couldn't recognize one word that they were saying. (15:13-27) (2) It was a gentle AND [BUT substituted] persistent and sturdy pressure which took them there. (10:2,3) (3) The bed was now revealed, competently made Up, [colon substituted] sheets, one blanket and a neat comforter of puckered sateen. (8:23-25) 294 In the first example, Most sssuredly is necessary for smoothness because the unprefaced l sggld figs; voices suggests that the writer has not mentioned them before, whereas in the preceding paragraph he has stated l_wss as! hearing sgunds. In the second example, the substitution of £3; for ing SUpplies the contrast between gsngls and the words persistent and ssgggy, whereas the re- placed and improperly indicated addition. The third example demonstrates the slight confu- sion that a comma which precedes a series unaided by prefatory words can cause; at the same time it demonstrates the customary superiority of the colon in such writing situations. Summary Kantor's work on coherence was notable chiefly for his skillful use of punctuation marks. He frequently added commas to divide similar sentence elements for easier under- standing; to clarify slightly ambiguous passages; and to slow the writing in other passages to allow the reader more time to grasp relationships. Ellipses were also used quite frequently to indicate omitted action and dialogue and the passing of time. The dash, usually replacing commas, con- siderably increased the immediacy of understanding, and the semicolon, which Kantor employed oftener than either the dash 295 or ellipsis, strongly emphasized the value of this mark in conveying relationships accurately and clearly. Among the variety of other methods used, which included preparatory words, careful selection of coordinating conjunc- tions, and other devices, re-paragraphing was prominent, both in number and effect. Several of these re-paragraphing revisions revealed the frequently tight relationship between coherence and emphasis. Kantor revised for time and place infrequently, but always helpfully. He also substituted a sufficient number of possessive and demonstrative adjectives to prove, in conjunction with similar findings in Nye's manuscript, that this technique is a valuable one. Like the other writers' revisions for coherence, Kantor's revisions brought out clearly that a variety of methods are used to produce smooth-flowing writing. His revisions also Showed, as did the other writers', that single revisions for coherence rarely accomplish any individually remarkable gain. Occasionally a re-paragraphing or a semicolon may produce a really outstanding increase in continuity, but in general coherence stems from the cumulative effect of many small gains. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. List of Revisions AdditiOnS In England ,[except the first], 9 : , [below] ’m , [on the south wall next to the one big window] , 9 i at first 9 2 out to Truxley Court 296 Page:line 1:5 3:6 3:14 4:9 4:17 4:22 5:4 5:9 o:12,13 6:18 6:26 7:3 297 Additions (cont'd) 22. ,e 9:13 23. , 10:5 24. , 11:16 25. ,9 9 12:1 26. , [that April night in Truxley Court] ’e 12:3 27. ,9 12:5 28. ,9 12:18 29. ,9 13:8 30. precaution 13:15 31. ,9 13:23 32. ,9 14:1 33. ,9 14:6 34. , 14:24 35. , 15:3 36. , [more or less] , 15:6 37. [Most assuredlye 15:22 38. ,9 15:24 39. still 16:1 40. ,9 16:20 41. -- [or rather, of luminous material]'--e l6:2l,22 42. ;8 17:7 43. , 17:25 44, , 18:3 45. : 18:16 298 Deletions l. I wanted to wash before I went out for dinner. At the time I barely noticed the room itself. I took in the scenery more completely in my second visit to Truxley Court. Probably by this time the reader is dying to know what 5:23-25; this ghost-infested room looked like.e 6:1,2 2. Ah yes indeed 8:2 3. but 8:5 4, , 11:15 Substitutions 1. he or She or them is or are :: the Spook or spooks is or are9 2:21 2. W.[re—paragraphing] 3:1 3. , :: ;e 3:15 4. . :: ; 3:23 5. . :: .... 4:2 6. . :: ... 4:8 7. She was so sorry. :: But 4:14 8. .... :: . WI [re-paragraphing] 4:15 9. qI :: [no paragraph] 4:18 10. 91 [re-paragraphing] 4:20 11. 91 [re-paragraphing] 4:24 12. , :: -- 5:11 13. It looked :: The room was 5:22;6:3 14. QI [re-paragraphing] 6:12 15. it :: the window 6:16 16. RI [re-paragraphing] 6:22 Substitutions (cont'd) 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33. 34. 35. 36. 37. 38. e :3 ; QI [re-paragraphing] the :: her and :: ; that previous night :: the night of April 10th with :: when9 91 [re-paragraphing] the :: my The bed was now revealed as competently made up, :: The bed was now revealed competently made Up: the :: my the :: my and :3 eee , [turned on my right Side in the smooth, narrow bed, the way I Sleep habitually] , :: -- [turned on my right Side in the smooth, narrow bed, the way I Sleep habitually] -- and :: but .9 s 3‘ 9 299 7:5 7:6 7:11 7:19 7:22 7:24,25 7:27 8:1 8:1 8:6,7 8:17 8:17 8:20 8:20,21 8:23,24 8:25 9:12 9:12 9:16 9:23,24 10:2 10:13 Substitutions (cont'd) 39. 40. 41. 42. 43. 44. 45. 46. 47. 48. 49. the :: those 91 [re-paragraphing] and there :: . QI [re-paragraphing] Theree , :: ... and those :: . Thoseg , [lying over them in sound, as frosting covers a cake] , :: —- [lying over them in sound, as frosting covers a cake] __e these :: such . :: .... QI [re-paragraphing]e QI [re-paragraphing]e RI [re-paragraphing] 300 12:8 13:14 15:7 15:13 15:17 16:13,14 17:7,8 18:11 18:12 19:14 19:16,17 301 6. Emphasis Kantor used a large variety of methods to increase the emphasis of his writing: (1) re-paragraphing, which utilized placement and brevity: (2) removing weak, qualifying adjec- tives and adverbs; (3) improving rhythm; (4) choosing more striking words and phrases; (5) utilizing punctuation marks such as commas, exclamation points, semicolons, and periods to Speed Up or slow down the writing and to take advantage of placement and brevity. In his work on emphasis, Kantor's manipulation of commas, semicolons, and other punctuation marks was undoubtedly his outstanding quality. .Re-Paaasraphing Samples: (1) In England, on Friday night, April 20th, 1945, I went to bed in a haunted room, and during the night I was besieged by ghosts. QI[added] This is no gag. When I say that I met Up with ghosts in a quiet room in South Kensington, I mean just that. It was the first first-hand SUpernatural experience of my life. (1:1-7) (2) She left a key and went away. I put my musette bag on a chair and got out my toilet arti- cles. The room was about as un-ghostlike as the interior of an A and P store. QIEdeed] A wide hall door, fastened by a modern spring lock, filled about half the north wall; the other half was occu- pied by the head of the studio couch -- a very modern-looking studio couch, with a heavy greenish spread and a lot of daytime cushions. The couch-bed took Up a good share of the floor Space, its head against the north wall next to the door, its right side against the west wall of the room. (5:21.22: 6:3-11) Both of these examples illustrate the use of at 302 brevity and placement. By breaking the first para- graph after the word ghflili: Kantor emphasizes his opening sentence. Moreover, the re-paragraphing also increases the force of the already emphatic four-word sentence "This is no gag.” The second paragraph seems to have been broken chiefly to stress the Simile which ends the new paragraph. This comparison accentuates the ordi- nariness of the room; the ordinariness of the room in turn helps to create credibility, just as the information on time and place does in a different way in the first example (“In England, on Friday night, April 20th, 1945'). Qualitxing.!sr1s Sample: (1) I wasn't drunk and I wasn't asleep and I wasn't thihe sick; I am confident that the room is or was haunted; and I am RATHER [deleted] pleased that this eerie incident befell. (1:12-15) Here, as in most of the revisions which the example represents, Kantor deletes an adverb that reduces the positiveness of his statement. Samples: (1) She was so glad to oblige me . . . she remembered that I hadn't returned to sleep there the night of April 10th, and she shook her finger waggishly, suggesting DELICIOUS ILLICIT [INDECOROUS substituted] (2) 303 frolics in which I might have indulged on the night of April 10th. (8:5-9) I HAD NEVER BEFORE MET [NEVER BEFORE HAD I MET substituted] a 92112192111: and always I believed that I would run a mile if a vase flew off a man- tel or an unexplained rapping sounded on the wall. (12:9-12) A These changes are typical of the few revisions Kantor makes to better the rhythm and sound of his sentences. The cause of the first revision (Lugs;- .g;ggs for gsllslsgsILLLLQLL) is easy to identify; the triple occurrence of.l and the succession of four short.1 sounds (one in gsllslggs, three in .Llllsll) create a highly unpleasant effect. The second example deserves more lengthy discus- sion, because the revision does not merely correct a poor rhythm or sound by substituting words; it produces a more forceful rhythm by changing the order of the original words. Of the first five words in the original, .31 is the only one which is heavily stressed. The only other syllable in the grOUp that might also be heavily stressed is the second one in b11251; but, partly because in the original arrangement hmjggg immediately precedes $11, which is a key word that overshadows hsfiggs, and partly because the five weakly stressed vowels preceding.£g;1 (I had no ver be) build Up a cumula- tive Speed, 12;; is stressed much less than mst, 304 though more than the syllables that precede it. In the revision, however, the syllable 121s is preceded by only three unstressed syllables (ne ver be), and the cumulative Speed is reduced. Moreover, ,ngg is separated from 2:1 by two syllables (had I). As a result of the different position, flags receives about the same stress as 521- The advantages of this equality, although not tremendous, are worth- while. First, the change avoids the unpleasant crescendo culminating in ass. Second, the change, by emphasizing £933, stresses the uniqueness of Kantor's meeting a pglgsggglss. .!2£1.9h2121 SampleSS (1) (2) In England, on Friday night, April 20th, 1945, I went to bed in a haunted room, and during the night I ENCOUNTERED [WAS BESIEGED BY substituted] ghosts. (1:1-3) In this example,.§sslgggd is stronger because the hostility it denotes is not weakened, as snsggnssg is, by a second denotation -- that of a mere meet- ing. By its stronger suggestion of conflict, 21- 111911. arouses more interest and suspense. Truxley Court . . . the name SPRINTED BACK INTO MY MIND [MATERIALIZED substituted] again. (7:22,23) The use of..stsglslllgi, a word often employed in discussions of psychic phenomena, has the advantage {I [J 305 of keeping the reader aware that he is reading a ghost story. (3) Those distant people were speaking or wailing or laughing rapidly, but they seemed incredibly far away. Such a SOUND [BABBLE substituted] might be noticed if one stood at the far end of a large house, and heard a party and a funeral simulta- neously in progress in rooms on another floor and at the opposite end of the house. (15:17-22) In the above illustration, ssbbls is narrower and more specific than sougg; 52231 can refer to any noise, but 212213 denotes only a particular quality of voice or voices. Kantor frequently strengthens his writing by this increased exact- “C330 Among other revisions improving word choice, several replace trite phrases (see 12,1111; ENE magmas revised to 11112.1 him W: 12:16); occasionally a simile is sharpened (see,; as: general mum museum revised to as. A 1111.85.12.12: 6‘4)- 13311212351911 Sample (exclamatidn point): (1) Yes, yes . . . she had but one vacant room this time; she would give it to me for the night. It was that same second storey front-hall-bedroom. How fortunate, said Mrs. Stuart, that it hadn't been taken by someone else BUT [I substituted] She was so glad to oblige me. (8:1-5) By using the exclamation mark here, Kantor 306 increases his SUSpense through irony. He has al- ready stated that this second floor bedroom was the one in which the ghost appeared, and Mrs. Stuart's pleasure in having the room available contrasts with the first fact. The exclamation point simply sharpens the contrast. Kantor uses this device sparingly, chiefly to bring out Mrs. Stuart's practicality and friendli- ness, both of which contrast with Kantor's eerie reception in the room. Sample (period): (1) I do know that the brightness on the wall was, within five minutes as white as milk AND [deleted] [period added] ygs [131 substituted] when I moved my head, when I lifted slightly and gazed across the tight drawn comforter toward the window, the window was as dark and gray as ever; and so was the sky beyond it. (14:14-18) Kanu>r often breaks his sentences in this way, apparently to stress an idea (here the degree of whiteness) through a combination of better place- ment and brevity. His addition of commas to set off ”within five minutes” (an addition not shown in the sample) further increases the stress on the whiteness. Samples (commas): (1) It was six minutes after three, [comma added] and the house was very quiet; so was all of London. (9:13,l4) (2) (3) 307 For a long moment I thought that in some peculiar manner I must have wound my foot in the bed-clothing, and that somehow the weight and pressure of my foot were dra ging the covers. It was nonsensical, [com- ma added and in the same moment in which I evolved the theory I rejected it. I sat up and looked to- ward the foot of the bed. There was nothing there. The room shone soft and gray in light from the wide window. The falling, fading moon kept trying to make itself felt from behind misty clouds. There wasn't much light; yet I could see the desk, the hall tree and chairs; I could make out their dull shapes in the gloom. The covers were still being pulled toward the foot of the bed, [comma added] and no visible entity was pulling them. (10:3-16) In this case, [comma added] my whole desire was to lick the antagonist by brute strength, if indeed my strength could be called brutal -- to figuratively kick the chief polterggigt in the seat of the pants, or at least reduce him to heartbreak because he couldn't manage to draw off those covers. (12:12-17) By inserting commas in sentences like those cited, Kantor obtains greater emphasis by slowing down his writing. In the first sentence, for example, the inserted comma, aided by the semicolon, emphasizes ins.nense.zas.zery quiet. In the second example, the comma sets off 1; 115 W more sharply, thereby strengthening the reader's impression that Kantor's first reaction to the sensation of having bad covers pulled off him by an unseen being was completely practical. This impression encourages the reader to believe the story. The comma insertion in the third example also ,‘1 308 illustrates how Kantor reduces the speed of his writing, but this time with a short introductory phrase. The pause called for by the comma increases emphasis on the words my ghglg.dg§1;g. Comma additions of the kind just discussed are numerous in Kantor's w>rk. Moreover, they follow no consistent style of punctuation, such as the cpen or close type. Kantor's variable use of commas and other marks indicate that apparently his only goals are coherence or emphasis -- sometimes both. For instance, in the following sentence Kantor separates the first and second clauses with a comma, but not the second and third, although the difference in length, particularly between the first and third, is not great: ”Some force was trying to drag those covers off me, and I considered it damned annoying and I resented that force with my whole soul.” (12:4-7) In his handling of introductory elements, Kantor shows this same variability. For instance, whereas he does set off the Opening prepositional phraseyln this 21;; in the third example above, in the following sentence he does not; ”In each case there was a little hall bedroom walled off at the front -- a narrow room with one window looking down on the spring-time trees of Truxley Court.” 309 (5:10-13) Samples (semicolons): (1) (2) The only way that wretched little pollggggist and his pals could draw those covers farther down was to drag me with them; [semicolon added] and I weigh around 175 these days. (13:19-21) Certainly there was laughter. Certainly I heard remotely the sound of sobbing, [semicolon substi- tuted] and more than these -- lying over them in sound, as frosting covers a cake -- was the bicker- ing chatter of little voices, other voices, men and women gabbling, interrupting one another, prattling of things that must have been petty in the extreme if they could be recited with such careless rapidity. (16:11-18) Kantor employs the semicolon for emphasis by using it to separate independent clauses joined by [131, by substituting it for and, and by substitu- ting it for commas. Example one demonstrates the first type; this addition retains the and for coherence and further emphasizes the short clause L nigh M 11.9. m 9.171.- The substitution of a semicolon for and is not illustrated, because this device, which Nye used frequently, is used by Kantor only occasionally. However, he does employ it effectively (see 12:19). Example two shows the more frequent semicolon-for- comma substitution. Here the heavier step accen- tuates ggbbing; it also seems to make the emphasis 310 on the first clause ("Certainly I heard remotely the sound of sobbing”) more nearly equal to that of the preceding four-word sentence ("Certainly there was laughter.'). The repetition of gggtginxy is of course another factor. An interesting characteristic of these semicolon revisions is that a few of them also increase the coherence of the writing by indicating the rela- tionship of ideas or actions more clearly (see 3:14-18). This dual effect further supports the already strong evidence that coherence and empha- sis constantly support each other. imam Kantor increased the emphasis in his writing by five major methods: using shorter paragraphs; removing weak adjectives and adverbs and adding strong ones; improving ineffective rhythms; selecting more effective words and phrases; and utilizing various punctuation marks to slow down the writing and take advantage of placement. Re-paragraphing played an important role in augmenting emphasis. In this manuscript Kantor originally had forty- six paragraphs. After the revision of the manuscript, he had sixty-eight -- a gain of twenty-two paragraphs. Four- teen of these twenty-two caused a noticeable increase in emphasis, an increase that resulted usually from ending the 311 paragraphs with an important idea or emotion briefly stated. A numerically less impressive number of revisions de- leted some adjectives and a larger number of adverbs that originally reduced the positiveness of a statement. These deletions included such words as 5231 andygaiggg. In comparison to Nye and Kahn, Kantor did not make many revisions to better the rhythm of his sentences, but the ones he did make illustrated effectively the importance of rhythm to emphasis. They furnished further evidence, for example, that a skillful writer avoids a succession of four or more unstressed syllables; that through a cumulative force, a succession of four unstressed or weakly stressed syllables can weaken the stress on a syllable which would normally be accented heavily. Kantor frequently added force to his writing by select- ing more effective words. While a few of these substitutions were more effective because of their multiplicity of denota- tions, most of them possessed a narrower denotation and therefore a greater explicitness. His work on emphasis was remarkable for its utilization of punctuation. None of the other three writers studied gave as much attention to punctuation as Kantor. The excla- mation mark, for example, although used infrequently, served, by means of skillful irony, to sharpen contrasts and evoke suspense. Another minor but useful device was his method of r. 312 breaking long sentences to take advantage of placement and brevity. An important tool in this writer's revisions was the comma, which he used to slow down the writing in order to bring out ideas and actions more forcefully. A frequent characteristic of these comma revisions was their occurrence with short independent clauses, whose brevity they accen- tuated. The semicolon was another of Kantor's major means of slowing the writing and obtaining more emphasis. A large number of these semicolon revisions resembled Nye‘s, in that they replaced commas and ang‘s. Kantor's use of the semi- colon, however, went considerably beyond Nye's use of it. Frequently, in sentences containing three independent clauses, Kantor employed the semicolon to stress the short- est of the three; often, too, he connected sentences with it to gain a coherence that aided emphasis as well. It is worth noting that Kantor's impressive use of punctuation in general and the comma and semicolon in par- ticular was not marked by any adherence to a specific style. In joining some independent clauses, he often relied upon a coordinating conjunction alone; others of similar length he joined with coordinating conjunctions and commas. His treat- ment of short introductory phrases also varied: some he set off; others he did not. The only guide seemed to be his estimate of the value of the change to coherence or emphasis. 313 List of Revisions Page:line Additions 1. just 1:5 2. ; 1:14 3. , 3:16 4, , 4:2 5. ,9 4:3 6. ,9 4:6 7. , 4:13 8. 1 8:4 9. and9 ‘ 9:3 10. ,c 9:13 11. , 10:7 12. , 10:15 13. the 11:21 14. ,° 9 12:1 15. , [that night in Truxley Court] ’c 12:3 16. ,° ' 12:5 17. ,9 12:13 18. , 12:16 19. ,° 13:8 20. ; 13:21 21. ,° 13:23 22. , 14:1 Additions (cont'd) 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 9. 10. , [within five minutes] , 3 Most assuredlyc C , -- [or rather, of luminous material] --c Deletions some in London ratherm without broadcasting the location of the actual house and the actual name of the fictitious Mrs. Stuartcc bunches ofcc m ”The only oner ’ I wanted to wash before I went out for dinner. At the time I barely noticed the room itself. I took in the scenery more completely in my second viSit to Truxley Court. Probably by this time the reader is dying to know what this ghost-infested room looked like.0 kind ofcc m aboutm 314 14:14,l5 14:18 15:22 15:24 16:21,22 17:3 17:7 17:20 17:23 4:11 5:23-25; 6:1,2 6:13 Deletions (cont'd) 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. sepulchral steady . and a littlem sometimesm I would say now thatCC t sayt stubbornlym clearm kind ofm "And how are you this morning?cc Substitutions encountered some :: was besieged by experience :: incident business-like ghost :: banshee the kind faced and fluttery little a flutterycc ,C s 3‘ 9 looked :: trottedm . a: 1 She was right about the room being small. It was, I should say, about fourteen feet in length and certainly not more than six or eight feet wide. :: She was correct. The room was about ten or twelve feet in length and certainly not more than seven feet wide.cc m 315 13:5 14:22 14:24 15:1 15:8 17:8 17:16 17:20 19:17 1:2,3 1:15 2:18 2:24,25 3:15 5:1-3 Substitutions (cont'd) 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. 31. 32. 33. in some earlier year : by some earlier generationm QI [re-paragraphing] filled :: tenanted upstairs :: of stairs a new General Electric refrigerator :: an A and P store QI [re-paragraphing] , and :: ; sprinted back into my brain and :: ;° QI [re-paragraphing] delicious illicit :: QI [re-paragraphing] closed :: locked the rest of mankind :: woke Up :: awoke I went back to the room QI [re-paragraphing] QI [re-paragraphing] one :: visible entity I reached down with both hands, Reaching down with both hands, pulled :: hauled QI [re-paragraphing] :: materialized indecorous other men m In the bedroom, got :: I got I 316 5:6 5:16 5:18,19 6:4 6:4 6:6 7:23 7:24,25 8:3 8:8 8:10 9:2 9:7 9:9 9:17 10:3 10:9 10:12 10:13 10:15 10:17 10:19 10:21 Substitutions (cont'd) 34. 35. 36. 37. 38. 39. 4o. 41. 42. 43. 44. 45. 46. 47. 48. 49. 50. 51. 52. 53. dragging myself :: crawling no one was so glad :: never was anyone so delighted t ghosts :: ghouls Hutton's got :: Hutton has to leave him heartbroken :: reduce him to heartbreak and :: ; QI [re-paragraphing] , :: : ghoulish :: fiendish time :: onslaught , :: -- QI [re-paragraphing] and yet :: . Yet QI [re—paragraphing]c and there :: . Therec It didn't seem to stand out from the wall. Neither the core nor the area of discernible light that surrounded it, but a mass of brilliance was slowly taking shape. :: It didn't seem to stand out from the wall: neither the core nor the area of discern- ible light that surrounded it. But a mass of brilliance was $.owly taking shape.9 And all this time I was :: I was now , 83 ...c sound :: babblem r QI [re-paragraphing] 317 11:11,12 11:14 11:17 11:19 12:16 12:19 12:22 12:26 12:26 13:7 14:1 14:14 14:15 15:7 15:7 15:9-12 15:13 15:13 15:19 15:22 Substitutions (cont'd) 54. 55. 56. 57. 58. 59. 60. 61. 62. 63. 64. 65. 66. 67. 68. 69. 70. 71. 72. 73. 74. utterances :: hullabaloor and :: . And tell a :: recognize one a 3‘ 5 , [lying over them in sound, as frosting covers a cake] , :: -- [lying over them in sound, as frosting covers a cake] --c t I saw it beginning :: it begancc , :: ; . x: __g QI [re-paragraphing]c , :: ; . :: -- [and see the luminous flare and manouevering of milky flowing light I did] too :: also and z: ; fussy, dull :: waxy plodding :: bustling QI [re-paragraphing]C 318 15:24 15:26 15:26 16:13 l6:l3,l4 16:20 16:24 17:3 17:5 17:17 17:22 18:2 18:10 18:12 18:17 l8:2l,22 18:23,24 18:26 19:11 19:13 19:14 Transpositions enough nerve :: nerve enough easily slid :: slid easily I had never before :: Never before had I I could :: could I was at the time :: at the time wasm Miscellaneous alone in that room again :: in that room again -- alone 319 2:22 7:12 12:9,10 16:7,8 19:6 19:8 320 7. Concision The revisions which increased the conciseness of Kantor's writing consisted almost entirely of deletions of non-repetitious material and of deletions of unnecessary words, in equal prOportion. .Nenaflepetitieus.Iniermaiien Samples: (1) (3) It wouldn't be nice to rob a KIND-PACED AND [de- leted] fluttery LITTLE [deleted] old Scotswoman of possible future tenants, in case some cepies of this magazine trickle over to London. (2:24-26; 3:l This example illustrates Kantor's frequent deletion of adjectives, little being the one most commonly cut out. Usually such deletions increase the emphasis on the remaining word or words; here, for instance, by removing L1n11£i£11 and.111113, Kantor stresses .iluttsrv- In addition to this precaution, I hung on to the tap margin of all three bed garments with a grip which I FIRMLY BELIEVE [deleted] would have rung the bell in a 6th Avenue pin-ball emporium if I had assayed one of those Test-Your-Grip machines with such fervor. (13:l4-18) Deletions of references to the author himself, such as this example, number the same as adjective deletions. Such references mar the tone of the writing by drawing undue attention to the writer. The maid had not turned down the bed, as is the habit of good English chambermaids; BUT IT WAS ONLY t‘ 321 THE WORK OF A MOMENT TO TAKE OPP THAT [I TOOK OFF THE substituted] couch cover and FOLD [FOLDED sub- stituted] it on a chair. (8:20-23) This revision, which eliminates a superfluous detail, represents by far the commonest type of revision involving non-repetitious material. In the example cited, the fact that the work required only a short time is unimportant to the story, al- though the physical details (which are retained) are important, both for creating a feeling of actuality and for setting the scene of the action that is to follow. Kantor's excision of such material is reminiscent of Nye's work. 49.1.5 omy mm 1123.11 Sample (articles): (I) The room shone soft and gray in THE [deleted] light from the wide window. (10:9,10) The deletion of articles, which is illustrated above, is a device Kantor uses infrequently and with varying effectiveness. Occasionally removal of an article results in a slightly undesirable abruptness (see 14:9); but usually the aerptness is either totally absent or so slight that the emphasis obtained by the deletion compensates for the jerkiness. In the sentence cited, the removal of.1ng produces some choppiness, but at the same time it increases the stress on light. 322 Samples (implied meanings): (1) (2) The lodgings were in fact two houses, No. 40 and No. 42, tan-colored Victorian structures remodelled as a single lodging-house. You could enter either at No. 40 or 42; there was a passage cut through BETWEEN THE Two HOUSES [deleted] on the first floor. (3:20-24) She was so glad to oblige me . . . she remembered that I hadn't returned to sleep there the night of April 10th, and she shook her finger waggishly, suggesting IN THE GESTURE [deleted] indecorous frolics in which I might have indulged on the night of April 10th. (8:5-9) The last two examples illustrate Kantor's prin- cipal method for tightening his writing. In these he relies upon other words that indirectly carry the same meaning as the deleted words. In example one. there m a passage 2% m use suggests, in context with the preceding clause, the identical meaning that is more specifically stated by between thg two housgg. The deletion in the second example relies some- what more heavily upon implication. It is perhaps possible for a reader to interpret the revised pas- sage to mean that the woman actually spoke of indec- orous frolics, but such an interpretation is unlikely. In any event, the writer is clearly guessing that the reader will associate the action with the idea. 323 ngmgry Kantor tightened his writing by five principal methods. First, he deleted adjectives fairly often. Usually, in doing so, he restricted the number of adjectives in a single passage to one or two. Some of these adjective deletions, by reducing diffusion, increased the stress on the remaining word or words. Second, he deleted references to himself. Deletions of this type numbered about the same as adjective deletions. These personal references were apparently deleted principally to improve the tone of the article, although they also speeded up the narrative. Third, Kantor removed a relatively large number of superfluous details. These details, which did not duplicate any other material, slowed down the writing unnecessarily. Fourth, he deleted articles infrequently but noticeably. Fifth, he deleted a large number of words whose meaning was suggested by preceding words or passages. 324 List of Revisions Page:line Additions None Deletions All my life I've enjoyed reading ghost stories or hearing weird tales of happenstances which seemed not to be explained by the ordinarily accepted laws of physiology, chemistry, and plain common sense. I like such stories and anecdotes because Often they were dramatic, and in common with a great many other peOple I am masochistic enough to get a kick out of being terrified by spooks. When Bela Lugosi or Boris Karloff stalks across the screen I frantically clutch whomever is sitting next to me with the reserved prayer that it be my wife or at least some personable and attrac- tivesubstitute. During my boyhood we kids in Webster City, Iowa, used to frighten each other by skylarking around the town cemetery in the witching hours. We had a private lodge called The Whowawas. Membership was won by a bloodcurdling and solitary expedition -- through the snow often enough (?) -- to an old tomb on the hillside tenanted by the late Dr. Crapper and his family. But in none of these 1:18; midnight forays, nore in any other place 2:1-17 Until April, 1945. Then I had a ghost in my room. 2:20,21 get Up nerve enough tom 2:22 without broadcasting the location of the actual house and the actual name of the fictitious Mrs. Stuarte 3:3-5 for the night 3:16 quiet, little 3:19 Old 3:21 Deletions (cont'd) 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30. between the two houses little bunches of6 m and wasn't taking a bath at the time opened it kind of6 m toward the window again I found a taxicab and went out there and flittery me, now. She remembered, tOO in the gesture We went to a pub for dinner. I remember that the pub was called the AntelOpe and it was in Chelsea near Sloane Square. I was glad to find the cosy room, albeit the small room. Off of me the the on the left side of my bed I firmly believet It seemed to met the on the east wall 325 8:13-15 8:19,2O 10:6 10:10 10:12 l3:l2,l3 13:16 13:18,l9 14:9 14:10 Deletions (cont'd) 31. 32. 33. 34. 35. 36. 37. 38. 39. as I've saidt beyond back I would say now thatt the than I amt It was daylightr scrubbed my teeth "And how are you this morning?e Substitutions my recital Of the experience :: the talet the kind faced and fluttery little :: a flutterye with an earnest looking face :: earnestlym She was right about the room being small. It was, I should say, about fourteen feet in length and certainly not more than six or eight feet wide. :: She was correct. The room was about ten or twelve feet in length and certainly not more than seven feet wide.e m gave me :: left . It was :: : doing a little work :: workingm in the later or earlier days of :: duringm I was sure I would remember the house if I saw it. :: 326 14:13 14:17 14:19 15:1 15:16 16:3 18:11,12 19:9 19:17 1:9,10 2:24,25 4:10 I recognized the house readily when I saw it.m7:25 327 Substitutions (cont'd) 10. 11. 12. 13. 14. , but it was only the work of a moment to take Off that couch cover and fold it Up on a chair. :: ; I took Off the couch cover and folded it on a chair. 8:21-23 get the covers up around me again. :: retain the coversm 13:11 a pitch dark night :: the darkm 14:25 I saw it beginning :: it begane t 16:20 beginning to be cast a: casting itself l6:22 Miscellaneous Beyond the foot of the couch, on the south wall next to the one window, was a hall-tree where you could hang coats and clothing. The window in the south wall giving on the road outside was nearly as big as the door on the Opposite end, and a low table stood in front Of it. :: Beyond the foot Of the couch, on the south wall next to the one big window, was a hall- tree where you could hang coats and clothing. A low table stood in front of the window. 6:12-16 328 8. Tone Although Kantor made only a few revisions that affected tone, those few reflected two clear cut intentions: to mini- mize as much as possible personal references to the writer; to use only a quiet humor that would not destroy the basic seriousness and dramatic effect of the writing. Samples: (1) I wILL TELL THE STORY [THIS ARTICLE 15 WRITTEN sub- (2) stituted] not with the hOpe of proselyting any non- believers, but because MY RECITAL OF THE EXPERIENCE [THE TALE substituted] may prove entertaining to some peOple. (1:8—10) All this time, may I add, there hadn't been a sound: no rapping, no patter of unseen feet, no fiendish chuckling, no sheeted dead to squeak and gibber be- tween the foot of the bed and the hall tree. My ANTAGONIST OF THE BED CLOTHING [OPPONENT substituted] was a stubborn demon but assuredly a silent one. (12:25-27; 13:l-3) The revision in the first example avoids a direct reference to the author and rapresents the most fre- quent type of change made for tone; over half are of this kind. As in this sample, such revisions create in the reader a feeling that the writer is fairly detached and impersonal in his approach. Like this sample also, many Of the revisions achieve this effect by utilizing the passive voice. The second illustration is a good example Of how Kantor manages to utilize humor without letting it spoil his fundamental seriousness. If Kantor's 329 underlying purpose were not serious he could not be as dramatic as he is; yet at the same time he needs humor for relieving the tediousness Of neces- sary background material, for contrast with the dramatic events, and, finally, for entertaining a reader who is not, in all probability, vitally interested in or convinced Of the validity of psy- chic phenomena. Hence in order to fulfill all these requirements, the tone is often light, but never Uproarious; and though this restraint is noticeable throughout the article, it is especially so when Kantor is describing his encounter with the ghost. When the writer replaces antagonist of the 231,3121hing (an acceptable phrase in itself) with opponent, he is merely refusing to go beyond the point of humor he has already established with the ironically-used comments in the preceding sentence (”no patter of unseen feet, no fiendish chuckling"). He does not wholly remove the humor; he simply keeps it within certain bounds. A somewhat similar example occurs in his descrip- tion of the room where the visitation took place. Originally, Kantor wrote "There was just as much spooky atmosphere as you would find in a dairy lunch or at a meeting of the Girl Guides.” (6:25-27) In ..v. 330 this sentence he replacesyspooky with pgyghig, thus avoiding a word that now is used only humorously, and using instead a word that carries more intellec- tual respectability. ngmgzy Kantor's revisions for tone were few, but they revealed his respect for and his work with it. By deleting or chang- ing passages which referred directly to himself, the author avoided highlighting himself at the expense of the story. Moreover, by removing such references, often by means of the passive voice, he avoided giving the reader any impression that he was trying to bludgeon the reader into believing his story. There was, consequently, a marked gain in Objectivity. Kantor's revisions for tone demonstrated that a writer seems to work carefully to maintain a more or less pre- determined attitude toward his material and his reader. Basically, his tone was serious, but he evidently also wanted to employ sufficient humor to hold even a purely skeptical reader. To accomplish both of these ends, Kantor utilized a restrained humor that never endangered his seriousness. Broadly humorous passages were consistently deleted or re- phra 80d e None 10. 11. List of Revisions Additions Deletions I firmly believecc as I've saidcc forever I would say now thatcc e saye than I amcc Substitutions I will tell the story :: This article is written my recital Of the eXperience :: the talecc me :: the yarn I will use :: are presented I've no desire :: It wouldn't be nice spooky :: psychic corralled :: found ghosts :: ghoulse fought :: brought antagonist Of the bed clothing :: Opponentr I saw it beginning :: it beganCC e .331 Page:line 13:16 14:13 14:27 15:8 1:8 1:9,10 1:11 2:23,24 2:24 6:25 7:26 11:17 12:21 13:1,2 16:20 332 Substitutions (cont'd) 12. I've :: I have 19:2 Transpositions l. I was really :: Really I wasr 8:16 333 9. Unclassified The unclassified revisions in Kantor's draft showed no unusual characteristics. Relative to the number Of words in the writers' drafts, Kantor's work contained a slightly higher percentage Of unclassified changes, but the difference was not significant. Samples: (1) Now, let's see just where could she put us . . . she was so TERRIBLY [FRIGHTFULLY substituted] sorry: (4:3,4) (2) She was quite full up these days, what with THE [added] V-bombs having stOpped nearly a fortnight before, and more peOple coming back to London every day . . . no, nothing on the first floor. (4:5-8) (3) The only way I got myself overseas in the first lace was by crawling out on a limb until I COULD COULDN'T substituted] crawl back again. (11:10-13) In the first example, a passage which represents a woman's speech, the substitution Of jgigntiglly for tgzligly does not seem to alter the effect in any way. Possibly the writer felt that {Lightfglly was more characteristically feminine than tgggibly, but the point is questionable. About one-third of the total number Of unclassifiable changes are Of this kinda The addition Of the in the second example illus- trates the type of change that improves, or seems to improve, the writing slightly, but insufficiently in 334 any specific way to permit classification. This type also makes up a third of the total number. The substitution of gggldn'; for goglg in the third example illustrates the changes necessitated by mental slips, typing errors, false starts, and similar errors. Slightly more than a third Of the changes stem from such causes. Summary The unclassifiable group of revisions in Kantor's draft had much the same characteristics as the similarly categor- ized changes in the other writers' work: some seemed caused by errors in thinking or typing; others, although apparently made to improve tone or some other quality, seemed to have absolutely no effect on the writing; a few seemed to improve the writing slightly, but never sharply enough for them to be classified with any degree of certainty. List of Revisions Additions first the job —- one on Deletions then I know peculiar there don't for Substitutions a certain :: the to visit him or her or them again (H) and see :: Heavy :: terribly :: frightfully The :: A got back :: crawled could :: couldn't 335 Page:line 11:21 13:13 3:5 11:14 17:24 19:3 19:5 Substitutions (cont'd) 8. As for corpses, ghouls, tombs and the like Corpses, ghouls, tombs and the like 9. have :: own 10. job as :: the job was that Of 11. at :: in 12. withdraw :: draw Off 13. get the covers off :: remove the covers, 14. from nearly the :: nearly 15. over :: over-all 16. that x: which 17. all :: not 18. in :: within 19. GI [re-paragraphing] 20. woke :: went 336 11:17 11:20 11:21 12:3 12:17 13:23 15:2,3 15:3 16:1 17:7 17:16 17:26 337 10. Summary of Chapter Among Kantor's revisions for grammar and punctuation, comma additions were the only ones of importance. A few commas were added to set Off interjections; chiefly, however, they were used to set off introductory phrases and clauses, and two or more parallel elements such as independent clauses. The motivation for many of these comma revisions was puzzling, mainly becuase no consistent punctuation pat- tern was discernible in the draft. Some brief introductory phrases, for example, were set Off needlessly; longer phrases, which normally are followed by commas regardless of clarity, were Often not set Off. Hence many Of the comma additions were included in this group simply because no basis other than punctuation was apparent. While the more or less formal demands of punctuation appeared to be the probable cause Of most Of the comma additions in this grOUp, in a few of them coherence and em- phasis were equally potent factors, with emphasis present more frequently and more forcefully. This relationship of punctuation to coherence and emphasis made this grOUp of revisions unique among the four grOUps studied, and it forecast the important part that punctuation played in so many of Kantor's revisions. 338 His revisions to avoid ineffective repetition were relatively more numerous than similarly classified changes in the other writers. The reason for this characteristic is indeterminable. Much more important, however, is that Kantor did painstakingly delete or replace these repetitious words, often with a distinct gain in specificness. The unclassifiable changes in Kantor's draft, with the exception of their extremely small number, possessed char- acteristics largely identical to those of the unclassifiable revisions in the other writers' work: some seemed to improve the writing slightly; others failed to affect it in any, manner. Kantor's revisions for tone, while numerically unim- pressive, provided clear-cut examples of a writer's appre- ciation of its value. Two types of revisions were observ- able: direct references to the author were either deleted or minimized, in the latter usually by means Of the passive voice; broadly humorous passages were removed entirely or rephrased to achieve a quieter humor that was more apprOpri- ate tO the underlying seriousness of the writing. To strengthen the coherence Of his writing, the writer employed a wide variety of methods. Among his minor devices were additions of preparatory words, a more accurate selec- tion Of coordinating conjunctions, more prompt identification of time and place, and the substitution of possessive and 339 demonstrative adjectives for articles. Kantor improved his coherence chiefly thrOUgh punctua- tion. His respect for its potentialities was obvious in his many revisions of it, and his accurate and varied use of it was impressive. Ellipses were used skillfully, al- though infrequently, to indicate that time had elapsed, or that dialogue or action had been omitted. The dash was used still more aparingly, usually to point out the appositive relationship of the material set Off, but occasionally also to show omitted action or dialogue, and to reduce the speed of the writing. In contrast to the infrequent use of ellip- ses and dashes, the semicolon was used quite extensively, and always expertly. By replacing commas, periods, and 331's with it, the author correlated ideas and actions much more comprehensibly. Of the various punctuation revisions that improved coherence, Kantor's additions Of the comma were the most plentiful. A major share Of these additions provided more immediate understanding Of relationships by separating structurally similar sentence elements. A few improved coherence simply by slowing the reading. None Of these comma revisions, individually, battered continuity remarkably, but their total effect was considerable. Revisions for coherence revealed their customary strong relationship tO emphasis. Many revisions affected these qualities equally, the dual effect being conSpicuous among 340 revisions utilizing the semicolon and re-paragraphing. Kantor's work on coherence also revealed, as did Nye's and Kahn's, that coherence is created by a large number Of small effects. With the exception Of the re-paragraphing and semicolon revisions, single revisions rarely improved coher- ence sharply. As with coherence, Kantor revised extensively to in- crease the emphasis of his writing. Similarly, too, he used numerous methods. His less frequently used techniques in- cluded removing weak adjectives and adverbs, such as 5251 and rather; selecting more salient words, which were ordi- narily more specific than the originals; improving the rhythm of his sentences. Kantor's improvements in rhythm indicated, like Kahn's and Nye's, that, in general, four consecutive unstressed or weakly stressed syllables create dead spots in the writing. His draft also demonstrated that these weak groups can cause incorrect emphasis on certain words. A highly important method for improving emphasis was re-paragraphing, a device which Kantor used more often than any other writer studied. Starting originally with forty-six paragraphs, he broke these into sixty-eight. Of the twenty- two new divisions, fourteen strengthened emphasis markedly by utilizing end- or Opening-placement, sometimes using both simultaneously, Often through further stressing of brief 341 sentences. Another of Kantor's major methods for increasing emphasis was punctuation, his use Of commas and semicolons being particularly outstanding. He added many commas that emphasized certain phrases and clauses by decreasing the speed of the writing. He sometimes replaced 131's and com- mas with semicolons; he also added semicolons tO separate independent clauses already joined by 1n_. By creating long pauses, these semicolons accentuated certain sentence ele- ments, usually short clauses. Revisions that altered meaning were numerous. A small grOUp of these revisions corrected ambiguities and illogical statements; a much larger number replaced the original ideas with completely different ones. The third and largest grOUp merely modified existing meanings, usually through removal of weak words such as kindflgf, but sometimes also by the addi- tion of a word that provided more specific information. Be- cause Of these last two qualities, a large portion Of these meaning revisions were cross-classified with emphasis. Kantor gd.ned conciseness occasionally by deleting articles, and slightly more Often by deleting adjectives and references to himself. He increased concision still more frequently by removing unnecessary personal observations and unimportant details. Finally, and most frequently, he de- leted words and passages whose meaning was implied by the surrounding words. '— 342 CONCLUSION The present study has four distinct values in the field Of composition: (1) it demonstrated the extent and impor- tance of revision in current writing; (2) it showed the relative stress that current writers gave various key writ- ing qualities; (3) it provided concrete illustration of the usefulness of several new techniques and numerous tradition- ally recommended techniques Of writing, and the frequency of their occurrence; (4) it furnished suggestions and material for new approaches to the teaching Of composition. These points will be discussed in order. The importance and extent of revision was easily seen. In a single draft of originally 13,000 words, Nye made approximately 850 revisions; Freeman, in a draft of 6,700 words originally, made about 240 revisions; Kahn, in 6,000 words, made 430 revisions; Kantor, in 4,600 words, made 430 revisions. These revisions refer to changes that in- volved single words, sometimes phrases, clauses, sentences, and sometimes entire paragraphs. When one remembers that the single drafts studied represented only a portion of a writer's revisions, the number Of changes they made is impressive. Nye, for instance, revised five such drafts; Kahn revised at least three. Information on Kantor's work 343 is not available; a comparison of his published article with the draft studied showed that he (or the editor) altered only a few words, but whether the original draft was an early or late one is not known. However, a comparison of the final version Of Freeman's draft with his published version revealed further extensive changes. Among the various qualities of writing, exactness of meaning, coherence, and emphasis received, in general, the greatest attention.1 Of these, meaning, except in Kantor's revisions, was worked on most extensively. In approximate figures, 300 of Nye's 850 revisions altered meaning; 70 of Kantor's 430 revisions; 100 of Kahn's 430 revisions; and 100 of Freeman's 240 revisions. In other words, about one-third of Nye's changes, about fifteen percent of Kantor's, one-fourth of Kahn's, and forty-five percent of Freeman's revisions consisted of changes in meaning. Coherence, which in general was labored over less than meaning, received less impressive consideration from the four men. Less than a fifth of the revisions in the work of Nye, Freeman, and Kahn improved coherence. Kantor, chiefly 1 It should be remembered that the study did not deal at all significantly with unity or organization. 344 because of his punctuation changes, revised considerably more often to improve coherence, utilizing about one-fourth Of his total revisions for this purpose. Emphasis was concentrated upon only slightly more than coherence, and again the writers varied. As in Nye's and Freeman's revisions with coherence, less than a fifth of their changes affected emphasis. 'On the other hand, nearly one—fourth Of Kahn's revisions and about one-third of Kantor's revisions increased the force Of their writing. Other aspects of writing received, for the most part, considerably less attention, although occasionally a single writer labored over a specific quality. The writers' work on grammar and formal punctuation was negligible; similarly, except in Kantor's draft, little revision was needed for correcting faulty repetition. Concision, whose relationship to emphasis was strong, was worked on extensively only by Nye, his revisions for it amounting to about one-fourth Of all his changes. Only Kahn revised extensively for tone; his revisions for it roughly equalled his changes for coher- ence. The writers' methods Of revision and the frequency with which the methods were used Of course varied from one writer to another, but there were many resemblances. To achieve clarity, every writer had to correct occasional ambiguous and illogical statements; all of them, too, revised many 345 times to alter completely an idea, a circumstance that was sometimes clearly traceable to the lingering force of pre- vious ideas. The writers' most numerous changes in meaning, however, consisted Of slight modifications or alterations of existing ideas, most of these revisions narrowing their original meanings. For many reasons, such as divergent subject matter and individual differences among the writers, some variation occurred in the kinds of revisions they made. Nye and Kantor, for example, made frequent time changes, whereas Freeman and Kahn made very few. On the other hand, while Nye and Kantor seldom incorporated further information, apart from time facts, Freeman and Kahn Often did. Although such variation was interesting, the salient points of these revisions were the clear proof that association with earlier ideas made it mandatory for a writer tO revise, and that exactness in meaning was apparently the quality most diffi- cult to achieve. The latter fact suggests that exactness probably demands from almost anyone a tremendous amount of attention during revision. In imparting emphasis to their writing, a few writers occasionally employed methods peculiar to themselves. Only Nye, for example, used parallelism extensively to increase the force of his writing. Only Nye used contrasting words. Kahn was the only one of the four who found it necessary to delete weakening digressions and distracting humor; he was 346 also the only one to exploit repetition markedly to gain emphasis. Kantor, chiefly through skillful re-paragraphing, took advantage of placement frequently; Nye also used place- ment, though less frequently than Kantor. Again, however, there were more resemblances than var- iations in the writers' revisions for emphasis. All of them, for instance, used a diversity Of methods; all of them re- vised many times searching for colorful and forceful-sounding words. The search for stronger-sounding words was most evident in Nye's revisions, but it was clear even in the changes made by Freeman, whose revisions showed the least gain in emphasis. With the exception of Kantor, all the writers reinforced their writing by adding sUpporting facts. Weak rhythms were corrected by all four men; Kahn was perhaps the most meticulous reviser for rhythm, but even Freeman, the least skillful of the grOUp stylistically, re- vised occasionally tO improve rhythm. The writers' work on rhythm indicated that two anapestic feet (UV -’ ), espe— cially when surrounded by iambs (\’- ) and not trochees ("‘J ), create a gallOping rhythm inimical to ordinary prose. Most rhythmically monotonous passages that underwent revision were marked by a succession of three or more unstressed or weakly stressed syllables, or by a prolonged iambic pattern Of three or more feet. This statement applies generally, but there were modifying factors. For example, when three 347 unstressed syllables were preceded or followed by two stressed ones, the monotony Of the three unstressed ones was lessened; only a few passages containing this accent pattern were revised. Certain stress combinations also mod- ified the effect of the iambic pattern. When three successive iambs were followed by a trochee, the monotony Of the iambs was decreased. On the other hand, the revisions indicated that a dactyl ("'\"J ) following three iambs seemed neither to decrease nor increase the monotony. But the writers' changes showed clearly that a group of four iambs, regard- less of the surrounding rhythmical pattern, invariably created a dull and unemphatic passage. Kantor's work on rhythm, which supported the evidence in Nye's material that three unstressed syllables create ineffective rhythms, also showed that a succession of four unstressed or weakly stressed syllables can, through their cumulative speed, weaken the stress on a following syllable that would otherwise be accented. In other words, four. successive unstressed or weakly stressed syllables not only form ineffective passages, but also distort normal stress. As a result, an important and naturally accented syllable may be left unstressed or lightly stressed, with a consequent loss Of prOper emphasis. Punctuation, although given little attention by Freeman and Kahn, was used extensively and effectively by Nye and 348 Kantor to add force to their writing. The revisions Of both men illustrated the effectiveness of replacing ind's and commas with semicolons. As in emphasis, the writers' revisions to improve coher- ence demonstrated its over-all complexity. In the writing studied, coherence resulted from a mass of individually mi- nute effects; hence it evidently requires careful attention and the use of numerous methods. Moreover, in spite of the wide range of methods employed, those common to two or more writers greatly outnumbered those employed by only one writer. All four writers, for instance, substituted demon- strative and possessive pronouns for articles, and nouns for pronouns. Other devices, almost all of which at least two writers employed, included the frequent addition of preparatory words, phrases, and sentences; the repetition of key words; multiple-tOpic sentences; references to time and place; punctuation (beyond fundamental requirements); and re-paragraphing. Of the various techniques used to improve coherence, the potentialities of punctuation and the replace- ment of articles with demonstrative and possessive pronouns were probably the most impressive. Although extensive changes for concision were made only by Nye (who tightened his writing during revision only less Often than he altered meaning), there were certain strong resemblances in method among the four writers. Each increased 349 concision least by deleting repetitious information, and most by deleting non-repetitious information. Each to some extent deleted SUperfluous words such as articles, general and "to be” verbs, abstract nouns, and various words whose meaning was implied by other words. Nye's work on concision was especially revealing because it utilized all the methods employed by the other writers and other methods as well. He converted a large number of passive voice constructions to the active voice, deleted numerous general verbs and nouns, converted adjective clauses and adjective prepositional phrases to one- or two-word modifiers, deleted many passages whose meaning was suggested by the remaining context, and removed numerous unnecessary articles. Grammar and punctuation revisions were unimportant and do not justify discussion. Almost the same thing might be said of revisions correcting poor repetition; however, those of Kantor, the only writer to revise extensively to avoid repetition, were interesting, not because they established any recognizable pattern or method, but because they almost invariably resulted in much stronger and more eXplicit words than the originals. Similarly, the writers' revisions for tone yielded no clue concerning methodology, although their revisions did reveal the writers' awareness of the problem. Kahn's revi- sions for tone were the most numerous and the most interesting. 350 His changes suggested that the sOphisticated cleverness Of .Ngg Ygrkg; writing encourages the use of indirect humor, the use of polysyllabic, literary, and unusual words, and the avoidance of vigorous phrasing. The foregoing somewhat arithmetical description Of the relative stress which the writers placed upon key components of their writing and upon their methods cannot, Of course, be regarded with finality, since arithmetic is probably as fallible a guide in analyzing writing as it is in analyzing literature. No pretension is made, therefore, that the per- centage or number of revisions involving a particular quality of writing or a particular method of revision would hold for a large number of revised drafts of writing similar to the kind studied. Nevertheless, certain facts strongly support the possible constancy Of the findings. In the first place, it is hard to believe, when faced with the consistent evi- dence among the four writers regarding the importance of revising for meaning, that this quality, under any circum- stances, would require only minor attention. A second major SUpporting fact is the multiple effects of single changes. Changes in meaning -- for example, deletions of weak adverbs -- frequently improved emphasis; less frequently, though markedly, they improved coherence. As a glance at the lists Of revisions will show, numerous revisions also strengthened coherence and emphasis simultaneously. This same 351 interrelationship existed between concision and emphasis, and between concision and tone. These relationships charac- terized even one-word changes. The pervasive effects Of single revisions, by demonstrating the wholeness of a piece of writing, testify to the probability that, within reason- able limits, revisions in writing similar to the kind stud- ied would stress the same key qualities of writing and would employ the same methods, in a manner roughly equal to the revisions studied. In view of the large number of methods these writers used in revising, and the complexity of the methods, and especially in view of the extensive revision to which the authors subjected their work, one would expect college writ- ing texts to stress heavily the part that revision plays in the writing process. Yet with few exceptions, composition texts treat revision perfunctorily or not at all.2 Among the standard writers on composition, Porter G. Perrin de- votes the most space to revisiOn. He points out its neces- sity intermittently throughout his section on rhetoric, but restricts specific discussion of it to about four 2 Two exce tions are Kenneth W. Houp, Explgngtggy Writing (New York, 1949 and Henry H. Adams, nghgiqggg. f ggligign (New York, 1951). HOUp devotes twenty-four pages of general but useful information to revision (see pages 43-67). Adams, sO far as this writer knows, is unique in that he focuses all his material around revision. Unfortunately, neither of these books can be considered standard. 352 pages.3 As little space as Perrin gives to revision, other pOpular writers in the field give it much less. In angg- Egglgl§.2£ Gggd Writing, for instance, Cleanth Brooks and Robert Penn Warren do not mention revision directly at all.4 Nor does John S. Naylor in Informational Writing;5 nor do the authors of In; Iggnniqgg of Composition, a book which is in its fourth edition.6 Foerster and Steadman's text,7 a perennially good seller, also carries no implicit admoni- tion to revise.8 3 Writgg'g Ggidg gnd 15111 to gggligh, rev. ed. (New York, 1950), pp. 16-18, 189-90. See also pages 264, 287, 297. 738 1.1 passin- 4 (New York, 1950). 5 (New York, 1942). 6 Kendall B. Taft, John Francis McDermott, Jr., and Dana O. Jensen, Ingfllggnnlqgg of Cgmpggitigg, 4th ed. (New York, 1950). 7 Norman Foerster and J. M. Steadman, Jr., Writing ‘51 %hinhing, 5th ed., rev. by James B. McMillan (Cambridge Mass.], 1952). 3 An examination of three widely used texts in courses for training composition teachers for high schools and junior colleges was interesting because it revealed their similarity to the college texts just discussed. One gives three pages to revisions, its importance and its techniques. It suggests that the teacher may have a student keep a chart Of theme errors, under the headings grammar, spelling, sen- tence structure, punctuation, and diction, and that the teacher have him correct the errors. Little or nothing is said of unity, coherence, emphasis, clarity, or meaning. The writer Of this text stresses mechanics to the practical exclusion of everything else. The difficulty of achieving the key qualities of writing and the methods by which they a . ‘ e . ‘ ' ' s -. ' e . ‘ n 9 I . m . . e w . . . r. . . . ’ D -e . a . a l a . . 7 I e 353 Such cursory treatment fails to do justice to the im- portance of revision; because it does, it fails to orient the student to the writing process and, in addition, misses a great Opportunity to motivate him. It should be noted here, parenthetically, that in the preceding statement and in the following discussion the present writer is neither directly concerned with,nor is he defending,any psychological assumptions relative to the teaching of writing. His views are based on his own experience and the experience of may be attained are almost totally ignored. Dorothy Dakin, B _9_W.H amass. _9__.e.lS ho English oston. 1947). pp. 158. 183'186e A second gives about one and a half pages to revision. It also suggests that the student keep a chart of his mechan- ical errors, and recommends that he revise, although almost no concrete methods for revising are given. Lucia B. Mirrielees, ngchigg Compg§111g3.13g Litgrgturg, rev. ed. (New York, 1949), pp. 54-55, 218. A third gives one page to revision, suggesting that the student rewrite an unacceptable paper, but giving little indication of what grounds make it unacceptable, nothing of how to motivate the student to revise, or how he should re- vise, and providing only a vague notion of what the student is revising to attain. Lou LaBrant, fl; Iggch‘gggligh (New York, 1951), p. 184. While these are all texts to prepare composition teachers on the lowest level of college and the highest level of secondary education, none Of them pay more than lip-service to the whole revision process, which is so essential to the production of clear, unified, coherent ' writing. In no case is it made clear for what purpose the student is revising, what methods he may use in revising, or what he should look for to revise, over and above grammar, spelling, diction, and poor sentence structure. They almost totally ignore most of the essential qualities of good writ- ing beyond simple correctness, and Offer the student no suggestions Of how to organize his writing, or how to achieve unity, coherence, emphasis, and clarity. a e . g . a I ~ 0 e e a I a I l . . u e O a - m s e l m w 1 . - e 354 instructors with whom he has exchanged information, and on the physical material available to the student. Although of course the authors of these texts imply in vague ways that revision is necessary, one might conclude, from the sparseness of their discussion of revision and from their lack Of specificness on the subject, that they simply assume that the student automatically understands its impor- tance. But the assumption is unrealistic. The shocked reaction of students who are asked to rewrite a paper tes- tifies only too clearly to their unacceptance of revision as a normal part Of writing. There is no reason why they should. All their reading lives they have been exposed only to the finished products Of professional writers. Rarely if ever do they learn about the time and effort even ordinary writers take tO produce a book or article; even more rarely do students see actual evidence of such work. For these reasons, it is hardly surprising that most stu- dents are convinced that skillful writers produce polished prose effortlessly with a single draft, or that, since they cannot do the same thing, they feel that they are hOpelessly bad writers. The brief treatments that texts normally give it stand very little chance of correcting this impression. Nor do the other traditional approaches and tools em- ployed by composition instructors encourage the student to revise. The assigning of short weekly themes, the use Of 355 handbooks emphasizing mechanics, the reading of polished and -- to the student -- depressingly perfect models do not help. For several reasons, the short theme is perhaps the most pernicious. It encourages short, quickly-written pieces that do not permit the student to obtain the objectivity necessary for good revising even if revision is demanded. Moreover, knowing the student has to produce one theme a week, the instructor rarely feels justified in asking that an average or even below-average paper be reworked. Nor do short papers, understandably, reveal a student's faults as clearly or as quickly as do long ones. The students' lack of understanding about revision underscores one of the important uses Of the material found in this study. Although the students' misunderstanding is hard for the composition teacher to combat by current meth- ods, because they lack concreteness, the instructor, by using a projector and screen to show cOpies Of revised drafts, can correct the students' conception of writing. The projector and screen appears to be particularly promis- ing, but booklets made up of photostats Of drafts, although expensive originally, would also be useful, since they could be studied outside of class. The instructor could also accompany the exhibiting of the drafts with certain additional facts. He could point out, for instance, that the revisions in a particular draft 356 represented only a portion of a writer's total revision. He could point out that the writers whose work was being shown were not literary masters, but merely competent con- temporaries, and that for some Of them, such as Freeman and Nye, writing was a sideline and not a means Of making a living. This information would tend to allay any suspicion that the students were being encouraged to imitate literary perfectionists. In support of his statements, the instruc- tor could note that each writer had certain difficulties more or less peculiar to him, such as Kantor's trouble with weak repetition, and Nye's persistent effort to attain clar- ity. By emphasizing these differences, the instructor could counteract the feeling that the student's difficulties are abnormal. The foregoing is essentially preparatory work. Second and more positively, the findings suggest the desirability Of replacing the present system of assigning numerous short weekly themes with one or at most twO longer papers, and to have the term's work consist mainly Of revising such papers. This approach would improve the present system in a variety Of ways. It would foster in the student the solid respect for revision which is necessary if he is to make the most of his abilities. By providing the student an Opportunity to rework a single piece Of writing with adequate intervals between revisions, the system would enable the student to 357 experiment with reorganizing; to recognize the improvement that unity of material effects; to understand the importance of apportioning material to stress salient ideas; to become aware of the difficulty Of achieving exactness and clarity. It would avoid the artificiality of the present system, which, by over-emphasizing a single expository tool, such as definition, instills in the student a distorted conception of its value. At present, when writing a definition paper, the student devotes the entire paper to clarifying a partic- ular term; yet it is extremely unlikely that the student doing any future writing, in college or out, will ever find it advisable to devote more than a few sentences, or at most a paragraph, to defining a specific term. The stress on revision inherent in the system recommended here would also have the extremely important virtue of motivating the student to greater effort, because it would enable him to see his writing constantly growing in effectiveness. He would not be writing with only a confused notion of what his faults are or how he can correct them, a condition that the present system encourages through its lack of stress on revisions and through its hurried skipping from one piece Of writing to another. The new approach would provide him with clear evidence of improvement, with all the concomitant benefits that improvement brings about in anyone. Finally, the pro- cedure would enable the student, through constant analysis 358 of revision and practice in it, to master specific techniques. The reference to specific techniques brings us to a third recommendation. Instead of relying solely Upon lec- tures, classroom criticism of short themes, and other tradi- tional approaches in composition, the instructor can use the material uncovered in the study to furnish the students with specific methods for revising, and to provide concrete illus- trations of them. A check list can be formulated from the material to guide the student in revision. A brief sample list follows. The material is taken from Nye's draft, Of which the student would have a COpy identical to Appendix A. 1. Examine all ”to be" verbs (is, £££:.!1§:.!£££: etc.) and general verbs (51.9.. Wpfl: 22521.1. 91.9.1111, ygigsg). When a sentence contains a ”to be” or general verb, examine other words in the sentence, particularly nouns, to determine whether they convey the real verb idea of the sentence. yggggplg: Original: As the fierceness of competition forced the American businessman to become a single-minded specialist in money-making, so did it CAUSE A CHANGE in his attitude toward politics. Revision: As the fierceness of competition forced the American businessman to become a single-minded specialist in money-making, so did it CHANGE HIS attitude toward politics. (28:4-6) See also ”A Congressional committee in 1873 gave warning . . . ." (23:8-ll) 359 2. Check your sentences for passive voice construc- tions. In the passive voice the subject is acted Upon. (”The ball was hit by the boy.”) Passive voice construc- tions employ ”to be” and prepositional phrases. Wherever possible, replace the passive with the active. (”The boy hit the ball.") Examplg: Original: Its educational systems WERE COPIED FROM the East's . . . . Revision: Its educational systems COPIED the E35t‘5 e e e e (7810,11) See also ”The Midwest was of the East . . . .' (5:21,22) 3. Examine your nouns. Are they general abstract nouns (gage, gonditigg, factor, naturg, thing)? When your sentence contains this type Of noun, examine your sentence carefully to see if an adjective or adverb al- ready in the sentence can replace the general word. 'glmmplg: Original: Thus ”Wall Street” became A VERY REAL THING to the Midwest e e . . Revision: Thus ”Wall Street” became VERY REAL to the MidWCSt e e e e (12:10-13) See also “What he had reference tO . . . ." (2:8-13) and "Political intransigeance has never been confined . . . .' (6:27-29) 4. Examine clauses and prepositional phrases. (“The boy who hiQILQQHniilc") ("The settlers from the .5111") Whenever you can do so without awkwardness, 360 convert these clauses and phrases to one- or two-word modifiers. Examplgg: 5e Original: Like many STATEMENTS THAT ARE (clause) UNDOUBTEDLY VALID, his was much easier to prove than to define. Revision: Like many UNDOUBTEDLY VALID STATE- Original: . . (phrase) Revision: MENTS, his was much easier to prove than to define. (2:3,4) . the young man OF ENERGY AND ABILITY found it not tOO hard to make a comfortable fortune . . . . an ABLE, ENERGETIC young man found it not too hard to make a comfortable fortune . (17:25) See also ”The Midwest farmer, a producer of huge prOportions . . . .' (9:16- 19) Examine your articles (1, in, LL£)- Can you replace them with demonstrative or possessive adjectives (that..ihis..ibese..thssl.bis..her. xeur..ihsir..shese. its)? .Examnlsss Original: Revision: Original: Revision: It is pioneer in spirit, though THE frontier phase has passed It is pioneer in spirit, though ITS frontier phase has passed e e e e (388-11) There was no such thing as a ”nat- ural' right in the sense of the Declaration; life was a struggle, and the only "natural" right was the right to compete in THE struggle. There was no such thing as a ”nat- ural' right in the sense of the 361 Declaration; life was a struggle, and the only ”natural” right was the right to compete in THAT struggle. (33:5-7) See also "Lord Bryce fell into the dilemma confronting most foreign travellers e e e e. (2323-26) and ”Andrew Carnegie, a shrewd little Scotsman, built up an organization e e e e. (22814-16) TO train the student to recognize these various methods, case books covering such phases of writing as coherence, em- phasis, tone, exactness, and concision can easily be fash- ioned from material in this study. Kantor's work on punctu- ation, for instance, can be used to teach the relationship of punctuation to coherence and emphasis by means Of a book- let containing his entire draft, but showing only those punctuation revisions that affect coherence and emphasis. Using this booklet in class, the instructor can demonstrate the various ways in which the comma, semicolon and other punctuation marks can improve coherence and emphasis. (Follow- ing this preparation Of the student, the instructor can then ask the student to analyze each punctuation revision in the case book for its effects Upon the writing. The student's analysis of these revisions will enable him to absorb not only the routine requirements necessary for basic clarity, but also the numerous ways in which punctuation can be used to strengthen writing beyond these minimum essentials. Such a teaching tool can effectively dispel from the student's 362 mind the cloud of theory that surrounds punctuation by prov- ing its practicality. The following section of a case book on both punctuation and re-paragraphing illustrates the method outlined. The revisions selected represent Kantor's success in increasing coherence and emphasis. Revisions of "Dear Old Ghost of Mine" MacKinlay Kantor (published in ggquirg, Nov., 1945) In England, on Friday night, April 20th, 1945, I went to bed in a haunted room, and during the night I was besieged by ghosts. QI[added] This is no gag. No.1 When I say that I met up with ghosts in a quiet room in South Kensington, [comma added] I mean just that. No.2 It was the first first-hand sUpernatural experience of my life. This article is written not with the hOpe of proselyting any non-believers, but because the tale may prove entertaining to some peOple. It doesn't matter a particle to me whether folks believe the yarn or not. I know what I saw and heard and felt. I wasn't drunk and I wasn't asleep and I wasn't sick; I am confident that the room is or was haunted; [semi- No.3 colon added] and I am pleased that this eerie incident befell. After existing completely ghost-less for forty-one years, it is very satisfying tO meet Up with 363 an honest-to-God banshee filled with good old-fash- ioned ectOplasmic corpuscle. Probably the spook or spooks is or are still there, and maybe some day I will go back to visit him or her or them again. In the meantime a fictitious address and name for the landlady are presented. It wouldn't be nice to rob a fluttery old Scotswoman of possible future tenants, in case some cOpies Of this magazine trickle over to London. If anyone approaches me and produces bonafide evidence that he is going immediately to Britain and promises faithfully to sleep in that room, I shall furnish him with the true address, [comma added] and he can go and see for him- No.4 self. But not unless. My first acquaintance with the room came on the afternoon of Tuesday, April 10th. The 364th Squadron of the 305th Bomb (H), with which I was flying at the time, had been stood down for a cOUple Of days (that means taken off Operations), so I decided to go up to London for a brief holiday. Major J. J. Kostal of Chicago, the Group bombardier, [comma added] went with , No.5 me. We intended going our separate ways when once we were billeted, [semicolon substituted] but together No.6 we applied for rooms, [comma added] and together we No.7 were directed by the billeting Officer to NO. 40 Trux- ley Court, in the south end Of Kensington. 364 Truxley Court is a winding street not far from Old Cromwell Road. The lodgings were in fact two houses, NO. 40 and NO. 42, tan-colored Victorian structures remodelled as a single lodging house. You could enter either at NO. 40 or 42. [semicolon substi- No.8 tuted] There was a passage cut through on the first floor. The entire menage was presided over by a gen- tle, beaming woman with curly gray locks. She was Mrs. Effie Stuart and she did her best to make us comfortable. American officers, [comma added] she said . . . . No.9 [ellipsis added] Ah yes, indeed, she Often had Amer- No.10 icans in her house. Now, let's see just where could she put us . . . she was frightfully sorry: She was quite full Up these days, what with the V-bombs having stOpped nearly a fortnight before, and more peOple coming back to London every day . . . no, nothing on the first floor. Perhaps on the third or fourth storey. [ellipsis substituted] Oh, dear nO. She No.11 remembered that all those rooms were filled . . . . She trotted about earnestly, jangling her keys, try- ing the doors of rooms, retreating with hesitant apol- ogies.F Ah, yes, here indeed: On the second storey, on the side. But she could not put us in a room together. She had only single rooms left. RI [added] The room No.12 365 on the side was small, but it looked comfortable. I told Kostal to go ahead and take it, [comma added] No.13 and I'd shOp around. I tagged after Mrs. Stuart, [comma added] and at length she hesitated before an No.14 Open door at the front on the second storey. GI [added] This was in fact the second storey and a No.15 half. There was a peculiar construction of these houses. The rear portion on every floor, except the first, was half a flight below the front portion of the house. QI [added and the following paragraph com- No.16 bined with this sentence] Mrs. Stuart looked at me inquiringly. ”This is the only one I have left,” she said in her thin, clear voice. “It's very small, I know." (Appendix D, pages 1-4) 366 STUDENT ANALYSIS SHEET State what you believe to be the quality or qualities Of writing (coherence or emphasis or both) improved by each re- vision. Justify your choice by an analysis of the writing situation. If a specific punctuation rule is involved, cite the rule and explain why its application improves coherence or emphasis or both in this particular instance. No.1 N0e2 367 Classroom use Of material like the foregoing will of course determine the selection of individual revisions. It would probably be wise, also, to show the revisions in long- hand, even punctuation revisions, in order to retain some of the authenticity of the originals. It would also be advan- tageous to show, by means of a projector or photostat, the entire original manuscript before assigning case books made from it. We may now consider the potentialities of the drafts as case books, measuring them against an ideal case book, which would have a subject Of broad appeal, numerous revi- sions, reasonably clear revision patterns in a specific area such as coherence, a wide range Of methods in that area, and other qualities such as readability. Measured against this ideal, Freeman's draft would probably not prove helpful. Scholarly histories do not usually enthrall the average undergraduate, especially when the material consists Of isolated chapters such as Freeman's. Moreover, Freeman's revisions were few, distinct patterns seldom emerged, and the writing was occasionally confusing because the plentiful footnotes were set off from the text only by brackets. Nye's work would be considerably more usable. Its political matter would probably arouse more interest; it contained about four times as many revisions as Freeman's 368 draft; it employed a large number of methods, particularly those dealing with coherence, emphasis, and concision; its revision patterns were clear and numerous; and the writing was devoid of footnotes. Kahn's draft would probably be about as useful as Nye's, though for different reasons. Its subject matter and light tone probably make it slightly superior so far as student interest is concerned. Its revisions, relative to its length, were numerous, and it contained an extensive number of techniques, though they did not emerge as sharply as Nye's. The article also contained no footnotes. Kahn's draft would appear to be especially valuable in essay writing classes, where such faintly satirical writing would be appreciated more than in the lower level expository classes. Kantor's draft promises to be the most consistently usable of the four. Since it describes a struggle with a ghost, its subject matter is good for any level of class. Its tone, tOO, a nice balance Of the serious and humorous, made it pleasant to read. For a brief article (4,600 words), the material had numerous revisions. Its over-all range of techniques was not as extensive as Nye's, but its value for illustrating punctuation and paragraphing give it unusual merit, both for low-level and high-level classes. An analysis of the potentialities Of the various drafts for illustrating specific phases of writing will follow. 369 For reasons already mentioned, the discussion will not in- clude Freeman's draft. Gggmma; and Punctuation With the possible exception Of Kantor's draft, none of the three manuscripts are of any value for illustrating grammar and mechanics. Even Kantor's is of doubtful worth. Although his revisions for grammar formed by far the largest grOUp of the four studied, his changes were confined chiefly to punctuation; in all other respects Kantor's revisions duplicated those Of Nye and Kahn, whose few revisions did not reveal anything significant or usable for case books. Essential: To illustrate poor repetition and corrections of it, Kantor's draft is easily the best. Kantor had more trouble twith this phase Of revision than any other writer, and his changes consistently improved the precision of his writing. Whether it would be worthwhile to develOp a case book on this relatively minor phase Of writing is questionable, though its demonstration of how such revisions improve em- phasis would have some value. Meaning For a case book showing the alterations in meaning a writer makes to increase his accuracy in transmitting ideas, Nye's draft is the best. He made approximately three hundred 370 such changes, many of which were closely related to emphasis, and he used a variety of methods. A case book on this phase of writing would seem emi- nently useful, since it could illustrate graphically the way in which a writer's associations with preceding material can interfere with exactness. Recognition Of this fact should instill in students a greater respect for revision in general and for revision Of meaning in particular. Kahn's draft would also be usable in this area, espe- cially in essay writing classes. Although he made less than half as many such changes as Nye, his work on meaning was otherwise very similar; for instance, he corrected a few ambiguities and illogicalities, added many sUpplementary facts, changed many meanings radically, and, most frequently, modified ideas. Like Nye's, Kahn's revisions of meaning occasionally were related to emphasis, and frequently to tone. Cghgrggcg For a case book on coherence, Nye's material would illustrate the largest number Of methods. His coherence revisions included numerous additions Of preparatory words, phrases, and sentences, a large number of demonstrative and possessive pronoun substitutions for articles, many nouns for pronouns, and fairly frequent use of repetition Of key words and phrases. Since many of these changes also improved 371 emphasis, the draft would be useful for illustrating the natural affinity of these qualities. To a less comprehensive degree, Kantor's manuscript would also be useful for demonstrating work on coherence. Although his draft also employed some of Nye's methods, it was notable primarily for the important part that punctua- tion can play in achieving coherence. The fact that Kantor's punctuation revisions increased emphasis as well as coherence makes it especially usable for a case book. Emphasis For illustrating methods of gaining emphasis, there is not much choice among the three writers' work. Nye's draft is perhaps slightly the best in an over-all sense, since it utilized to some extent almost every method that appeared in the study. However, Kahn's was superior in illustrating the effectiveness of correcting poor rhythms and reducing digressions and distractive humor. Kantor's revisions for emphasis, although lacking certain methods, such as the addi- tion of supporting facts, were excellent for their punctua- tion and paragraphing. It would seem best to use both Nye's and Kantor's work in lower-level expository classes, and to use Kahn's material only in advanced classes such as essay writing. 372 Conci§ion For illustrating concision, Nye's material is far sUpe- rior to the other writers' work. He revised over two hun— dred times to increase conciseness, whereas Kantor, whose draft contained the next highest number of such revisions, made only fifty-five changes that improved concision. More- over, Nye used every method employed by the other writers studied, and other techniques besides. The fact, too, that Nye's revisions were closely related to emphasis would make them useful for convincing students of the value of concision. Tong For a case book demonstrating tone, Kahn's work con- tained by far the most numerous revisions. His changes illustrate how he produced or maintained irony, how he uti- 1ized indirectness for increasing the subtlety of his humor, how he gave the impression of casualness through a lack Of vigor in phrasing, how he preferred the literary word tO the more simple one, and how he strove for fresh, unusual words. Since, however, tone is dealt with only on a very rudimentary level in most exposition classes, Kahn's draft can probably be used best with advanced classes. Kantor's revisions for tone, although like Nye's ex- tremely few, might also be usable, perhaps in company with concision revisions, because his changes in tone were easily recognized. 373 For several reasons, further manuscripts would have to be examined to take full advantage of the case book method suggested here. First, although this study identified numerous revision methods, it is highly probable that analy- sis of other writers' work would reveal many more. Second, of the four drafts studied for this project, only Kantor's article on ghosts appears to have the broad appeal which would seem necessary for consistently successful use in the classroom, though this hypothesis would have to be tested in the classroom. Third, it seems probable that drafts containing a wider range of methods in a Specific area, such as emphasis, could be found. Although it is unlikely that the ideal draft described earlier could ever be found, drafts approximating it more closely than the present ones could almost certainly be discovered. The best material for case books appears to be magazine articles. Unlike a chapter from a book, a magazine article forms a complete piece Of writing in itself. Moreover, in general, the style of writing in magazine articles is more likely to appeal to students than the style employed in most books; such a style is probably also closer to the one students will eventually use. However, there are difficulties. One is that Of find- ing articles with more or less universal and lasting appeal. 374 A second difficulty lies with magazine writers themselves. As a grOUp, they seem reluctant to let their early drafts be seen. Letters and other appeals to over thirty contem- porary magazine writers yielded only three encouraging re- plies, and only one manuscript. The remainder either did not answer or stated that their methods of work would pre- vent any analysis. Besides indicating the usefulness Of exhibiting writers' work drafts, and the usefulness of long papers and case books, the study strongly suggests either that present texts should be overhauled so that they represent more accurately than now the fundamental importance Of revision, or that they be supplemented by a handbook devoted solely tO revision. Although a detailed analysis of the informa- tion that such a section or volume would include cannot be made until the material identified in this study has been carefully tested in the classroom, a general description of its purpose and contents may be outlined. The section or book would have two goals: to convince the student Of the necessity of revision, and tO provide him with specific methods for revising. In order to attain the first goal, the material would have to include a suffi- cient number of revised pages from the working drafts of reputable current authors to demonstrate clearly the normal and necessary role that revision performs in writing. To 375 attain the second goal, the material would include the techniques that the study has identified as common to all the writers analyzed, and, in addition, any other methods considered practical. The practicality of the methods would be illustrated by selected samples from the work drafts; such samples would aid in convincing the student of the general facts about revision and also help him to recognize a specific technique. Thoroughly tested case books, of the kind described earlier, would certainly be included. This material, plus additional facts and ideas that experimentation and further research may uncover, could show the student in concrete and irrefutable form that enable writer makes the most of his ability only by revision, and could provide the student with the tools with which he can make the most Of his own ability. 376 BIBLIOGRAPHY Books and Articles Adams, Henry H. Tgchniqggg gf Rgv1§ign. New York: Ronald Press, 1951. Bartlett, Phyllis. ngms in Process. New York: Oxford University Press, 1951. Basler, Roy P. "Abraham Lincoln's Rhetoric.” Amer n Lirgrgrure, XI (1939). 167-182. Brooks, Cleanth and Robert Penn Warren. Fun ament of Good Writing. New York: Harcourt, Brace, 1950. Dakin, Dorothy. How to Taggh High School Englig . Boston: De Ce Heath, 1947a Dodge, Daniel Kilham. ”Abraham Lincoln: The Evolution of His Literary Style," llinoig University Srudigg, I (May, 1900), NO. 1, 1‘58e Foerster, Norman and J. M. Steadman, Jr. Wririgg and Thin;- .rgg. 5th ed., rev. by James B. McMillan. Cambridge (Mass.): Riverside Press, 1952. Freeman, Douglas Southall. L ' L ut n . Vol. II. New York: Charles Scribner's Sons, 1943. Gettman, Royal A. ”Henry James's Revision of 15g Amgricgn," Amgriggn Litgrgture, XVI (1945), 279-295. Griffith, Helen. Tim P t rns Pro (Psychological Monographs, XXXIX, NO. 3). Albany: Psychological Review, 1929. Harvitt, Héléne. ”How Henry James Revised Rodgrrgkyflgdggg: A Study in Style,” Pub c ion f Mod n L nggggg A§§gci§rion, XXXIX (1924), 203-227. HOUp, Kenneth W. Explanatory_flrrrrgg. New York: Appleton- Century-Crofts, 1949. Kahn, Ely J., Jr. "Profiles,” The New Yorker, XXIX (March 377 Kantor, MacKinlay. ”Dear Old Ghost of Mine," ggquire, XXIV (Nov., 1945), 40-41, 171-174. LaBrant, Lou. We Tgach Englis . New York: Harcourt, Brace, 1951. Lipsky, Abram. "Rhythm as a Distinguishing Characteristic of Prose Style,” Archives Of Prychology, I (June, 1907), NO. 4, 1-440 Matthiessen, F. O. "The Painter's Sponge and Varnish Bottle: Henry James' Revision of The Porrrgitlgr‘; Lady,“ Amgri- gag Bookmgn, I (1944), NO. 1, 49-68. McDowell, Tremaine. ”Bryant's Practice in Composition and Revision,” Ublications Of the Modern Langggg A i - tion, LII (June, 1937), 474-502. Mirrielees, Lucia B. Tgaghigg Cgmpggirion and Liggrgrurg. rev. ed. New York: Harcourt, Brace, 1949. Naylor, John S. Igformgtivg Wriring. New York: Macmillan, 1942. Nye, Russel B. Midwgsrgrn Progrgssiv; Polirigg. East Lansing (Mich.): Michigan State College Press, 1951. Perrin, Porter G. Wrirgr'g Ggide and Index to Eggli§ . rev. ed. New York: Scott, Foresman, 1950. Piercy, Josephine K. Modgrg Writers at Work. New York: Macmillan, 1930. Rickert, Edith. Ngw Methodg for,thg:5tggy Of Lirgrgture. Chicago: University Of Chicago Press, 1927. Saintsbury, George. A Hisrory gf English Progg Rhyth . London: Macmillan, 1912. Stewart, George R., Jr. Thg Tgchniqgg 9f English Vgrsg. New York: Henry Holt, 1930. Taft, Kendall B. and John Francis McDermott, Jr. and Dana O. Jensen. The Tgchniqgg Of Compogirio . 4th ed. New York: Rinehart, 1950. Tate, Allen. "Cold Pastoral,” Ngw Rgpgblic, CVIII (May 10, 1943), 644. Tempest, Norton R. The Rhyrhm 9f English Prosg. London: Cambridge University Press, 1930. 378 Webster's New Collegiate Diciionary, Springfield (Mass.): G. and C. Merriam, 1949. Wilkinson, Marguerite. The Way of the Mgkers. New York: Macmillan, 1925. Manuscripts Freeman, Douglas Southall. First draft of chapters 22 and 23, Vol. II, Leejs Lieutenants. New York: Charles Scribner's Sons, 1943. The manuscript was obtained from Mary Washington College of the University of Vir- ginia. Kahn, Ely J., Jr. Section of a first draft Of ”Profiles,” The New Yorrgr, XXIX (March 14, 1953), 40-58. The com- plete manuscript draft was obtained directly from Mr. Kahn and is now in the possession of the present writer. Kantor, MacKinlay. Complete draft of ”Dear Old Ghost Of Mine," Erquirg, XXIV (Nov., 1945), 40-41, 170-174. The manuscript was obtained from the Public Library, Coral Gables, Florida. Nye, Russel B. Second draft of chapter one, Midwegigrg Progrgssive Poiitic . East Lansing (Mich.): Michigan State College Press, 1951. The manuscript was obtained directly from Mr. Nye. It is now in his possession. Nl‘/ HSII1‘_IHPAF“ES 4 M‘ILIEL] E 1 1“ y W‘ 1 1 it my 14 ’ M1 (“I l 6 141 3 1293 O3