. i‘ ”5...... 53"" I I Y. .1 (353'! , . .. . I :l . 17w, ’ WM ' ~15” J "r n 4 'n.‘ K I ,.'. l 4 ' 3:13:01: ‘u ~ ‘ l a. , ”Mia . - .1 ”1‘4““? ‘ ; "e. :- . ‘1 n. ' -‘q I 94:.“ f-D“ ‘- - I'I v‘| ~31 ...x. .w, - :frz-fsfi . . .31. . L{"..:..:J:._'¢ ‘ .21. ~ £212th.“ 572).} _ , ‘ ifr .‘ J , '4 .'\‘L .. 1 "45% f _ .v '. '13 a-T_ . O ‘9. o 1 .27: "3.?— -~-1. < ‘ <4: .A—- . JL“!§7"5/(2 ": 8. vvu- u..- . v v—_ mam '4 2937‘.“ I — - . 17.45:“; - I?" ‘ ‘. r ‘(ufl't‘rflc I'I'tb, . "l . .<,~.- . My; :3? . 4‘._ 'Jfi'h‘ ”way” -0 .....,_"; J n.‘ 4. L; i{Willillilili‘llflxWillil L, Misciligzm State University This is to certify that the dissertation entitled AN ETHNOGRAPHIC STUDY OF DEVELOPMENTAL CHANGE AMONG FOUR ADULTS IN THEIR ReggTIES presen Rhonda Kaye Egidio has been accepted towards fulfillment of the requirements for Ph-D- degreein _CQJ.J_&Q£_3.ELd University Administration , ( Majorprofessor Date—ilflfifi— 042771 RETURNING MATERIALS: Place in book drop to MSU maumgs remove this checkout from 4—5.... your record. FINES will be charged if book is returned after the date stamped below. A _ t‘ 0 “4*? JQNQP‘N“ ‘6 ‘ U" I?“ i: 1994 K1114" 5' ' ”in.” QUL 1 a ,r ‘ ‘v “7.3.3. a. in». f) ‘31. : ’ ‘ ” Nov 5; 2 922,3 l - 4- I" 3 ~ 4-: I “Sign! . . J ‘P ’ .91 a&t‘ R MW?MX@% _. D 25‘ v" F Add 3‘ 33 if: r : $3 I AN ETHNOGRAPHIC STUDY OF DEVELOPMENTAL CHANGE AMONG FOUR ADULTS IN THEIR TWENTIES By Rhonda Kaye Egidio A DISSERTATION Submitted to Michigan State University in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY College and University Administration 1986 iii Copyright by Rhonda Kaye Egidio 1986 iv ABSTRACT AN ETHNOGRAPHIC STUDY OF DEVELOPMENTAL CHANGE AMONG FOUR ADULTS IN THEIR TWENTIES by Rhonda Kaye Egidio This study examines the experience of developmental change in the lives of four subjects in their twenties and the adaptation response accompanying that change. The subjects lived at a center for personal growth. The problem is that we do not clearly know how adult developmental change happens. To solve this problem there is a need to know what adaptive processes individuals employ to resolve, at least to some extent, the conflicts that emerge in the change process. There is also a need to identify what is lost and what is gained in the restructuring of a life space. There is a need to know how individuals build and accept a system of support to mobilize them toward the growth alternative of developmental change. And finally, there is a need to clarify the common themes, if any, of the process of developmental change. Three questions guided this study. From the primary perspective of the subject: 1. What are the issues of personal change and conflict that emerged during the year of study? 2. How did the subject approach the adaptation process to emergent issues? 3. What are the evidences of personal change for the subject that led to an overall sense of growth or deterioration over the course of the year? Rhonda Kaye Egidio This research study used methods of ethnography to investigate the research questions. Through participation in regular daily activity with the subjects I was able to observe and interact with each in his/her natural setting and thus discover the meaning of life from the perspective of the subject. This research produced five main implications: 1. To varying extents all four subjects dealt with major issues concerning the development of meaningful relationships and career aspirations. This study revealed a common set of adaptive processes used by each subject i.e., a move within for self - exploration, development and utilization of support, and testing out new actions. Support came in the form of both harmony and conflict. Self discovery was an important element in developmental growth of the subjects and pursuit of truth about self permitted each to go to darker, untraveled depths within. The study revealed a process for developmental growth among the four adults in their 20’s which consisted of seven stages labeled: defending, breaking, withdrawal, anger and confusion, good intentions, acting with encumbrances, and free acting with meaning. ii ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS I extend my deep appreciation for the contribution that others have made toward my completion of this study. Dr. Max Raines, my doctoral advisor and friend, wins my election for teacher of the year, every year. His dedication to students and generosity of spirit inspires me. As dissertation director, Dr. Fred Erickson both affirmed my efforts as an ethnographer and encouraged me to do even better. I have appreciated his support and the support from members of my guidance committee -- Dr. Jan Alleman, Dr. Marylee Davis, and Dr. Howard Hickey. They represent to me the best examples of heart and mind together. The four subjects of this study were most generous in opening their lives to me so that the questions of this research study could be explored. They are fascinating peOple and I value their meaningful contribution. Cheryl Christian, a dedicated and patient typist worked many hours to produce the draft of this dissertation. Lynette Holloway and Emily Ware, my companions and housemates for many years, deserve accolodes for their continuous support and understanding throughout the term of my doctoral study. Lauren Dundas graciously offered her nurturance and playfulness to me during this time. Both were essential during the rigors of this work. To my colleagues and friends Sandy Anderson, who always brought me a smile and Dave Johnson, who kept my feet to the earth, and Russ Rogers, who reminded me of the magic in life, I thank you. Also I appreciate the thoughtful support offered by my colleagues at the College of Human Medicine. William and Edna Egidio, my parents, offered me a lesson when I was a child that has been reinforced many times. I hear their words clearly, ”Rhonda, you can do anything that you decide you want to do." To all of you, I express my gratitude. vi TABLE OF CONTENTS CONTENT THE PROBLEM Introduction Purpose Statement of the Problem Significance of the Study Background of the Study Scope of the Study Negotiation of Entry The Site The Subjects Methods Research Assumptions Delimitations of the Study Limitations of the Study Guiding Research Questions Summary RESEARCH METHODS Introduction The Purpose and Practice of Ethnography Methods and Procedures Data Collection and Analysis Initial Phase Second Phase Final Phase Summary REVIEW OF THE LITERATURE Introduction Societal Change Context Review of Cognitive Development Theories Review of Psychosocial Theories Review of Adult Development Theories Summary PRESENTATION OF FINDINGS Introduction Profiles of Subjects MARCO WILBUR Profile Summary vii PA GE \OOOQQQMWN— u—nt—nt—nb—ni—nu—o “AU-INH— 16 16 16 22 28 29 33 34 36 37 37 38 39 42 44 49 50 50 51 56 56 Issues of Conflict and Personal Change Issue #1: To Confront vs. To Withdraw Issue #2: To Feel Responsible For Others vs. To View Others As Responsible For Themselves Issue #3: To Grow And To Change vs. To Remain Constant The Adaptation Process Strategy #1: Developeded A Support System Strategy #2: Deepened Her Spiritual Faith For Use As A Resource Strategy #3: Took Action Risks To Confront Issues and Fears The Changes Issue #1: To Confront vs. To Withdraw - The Changes Issue #2: To Feel Responsible For Others vs. To View Others As Responsible For Themselves - The Changes ~ Issue #3: To Grow vs. To Remain Constant -The Changes Summary HEIDI JONES Profile Summary Issues of Conflict and Personal Change Issue #1: To Manage Self vs. To Be Controlled/Taken Care Of By Others (Partially Parents) Independence from Parents Structure Financial Management Emotional Change Issue #2: To Form Honest Relationships vs. To Remain Private And Superficial Issue #3: To Initiate A Career Commitment vs. To Prolong The Irresponsibility of Youth The Adaptation Process Strategy #1: To Develop Support Strategy #2: To Confront Self and Others Strategy #3: To Take Action The Changes Issue #1: To Manage Self vs. To Be Controlled/Taken Care Of By Others- The Changes Issue #2: To Form Honest Relationships vs. To Remain Private and Superficial - The Changes Issue #3: To Initiate A Career Commitment vs. To Prolong The Irresponsibility Of Youth Summary STEPHANIE ROGERS Profile Summary viii 56 57 60 64 67 67 70 72 75 75 81 84 85 85 85 88 88 92 95 96 98 103 105 105 107 108 110 111 112 114 114 115 117 117 Issue of Conflict and Personal Change Issue: To Develop Intimacy vs. To Remain Separate Concept of Self Role and Behavior in Groups and Individual Relationships The Adaptation Process Strategy #1: To Withdraw from the Overwhelming Dissonance Strategy #2: To Explore Confusions Strategy #3: To Test Out New Actions The Journal: Identification of Adaptation Strategies The Changes Summary LANCE JOHNSON Profile Summary Issue of Conflict and Personal Change Issue: To Consider Possibilities for Personal Change vs. To Preserve The Current Identity The Adaptation Process Strategy #1: To Choose An Environment Conducive To Growth Strategy #2: To Form Relationships That Provide Support And Modeling Strategy #3: To Try Exploratory Activities Summary-Strategies The Changes Summary CONCLUSIONS Introduction Case Study Summaries Lance Johnson Stephanie Rogers Heidi Jones Margo Wilbur Implications of Findings Implication #1: Common Issues Implication #2: Common Adaptative Stratlegies Implication #3: Support a Harmony and Conflict Implication #4: Search for Truth Implication #5: Developmental Process Summary of Implications and Contributions of the Research Further Research Summary APPENDIX Appendix A: Original Research Questions BIBLIOGRAPHY ix 117 118 122 128 128 129 130 132 139 142 144 144 144 145 151 151 151 152 153 153 157 159 159 160 160 163 165 171 177 178 179 180 181 190 190 191 191 192 192 195 Figure I Figure 2 Figure 3 Figure 4 Figure 5 Figure 6 Figure 7 Figure 8 Figure 9 LIST OF FIGURES Time Sequence of Study Profile of Heidi Jones Profile of Margo Wilbur Profile of Stephanie Rogers Profile of Lance Johnson Margo’s Confrontation Experiences Overview of Subjects in the Areas of Issues, Adaptation Strategies, and Changes Labels and Descriptors for Phases of Developmental Change Location of Subjects in Developmental Change Model PAGE 27 52 53 54 55 78 176 183 185 CHAPTER 1 THE PROBLEM Introduction Margo enthusiastically agreed to be a subject in this research study. "I really want to participate. I’ve been going through a lot lately.” Her eyes expressed an uncontainable desire to take in everything at once as her gaze darted throughout the room in which we were sitting. At the edge of the excitement a stillness took hold. In complete silence Margo moved her hands down her thighs and rested them in her lap; her eyes followed this gentle, conscious movement. "There’s something going on in me...I’m deeply frightened. I don’t want to be afraid. I do not want to be turned back, I want to face it. The ’it’ is energy or something that’s going through me to take me to a higher level. I can’t really define my thoughts any clearer, I just know when I see ’it’ in others." She was looking me in the eye now. Her face and voice tone suggested both the disturbance and the courage within her. ”This is going to be a very important year for me. I’ll never have this opportunity again. I’ve talked with the others living here and you know we all feel that way. Something is going to happen this year.” For Margo, indeed, much did happen during the lZ-month period of this research study. She experienced conflict, fear, and triumph. She felt the agony of immobilization and the tenuous courage that both preceded and resulted from actions which moved her toward a nebulous vision of who she was becoming. The other three subjects of this research, Stephanie, Lance and Heidi, each in their unique and in some common ways also experienced the challenge of changes in their lives. The researcher assumed that the subjects, having chosen to live in a Personal Growth Center, would be open to self-development at this time in their lives. The group living situation added richness to the contextual aspect of the individual process of change. At times a housemate served a fellow subject as someone to struggle against, a displacement for self dissatisf actions, someone to push against or away from in order to assert movement in some direction. At other times, the shoulder was welcomed and leaned on or cried upon. I observed little disinterest in this living situation; the connections were intense. Purpose This study aims to view the experience of developmental change in the lives of four subjects in their twenties and their adaptation responses to living together in a growth oriented living arrangement. As Thoreau has said, we all "lead lives of quiet desperation." The upheaval of developmental change is often an unspoken secret, a private covenant of our culture, and perhaps at times an embarrassment or even a threat to others who are trying to maintain the image that they "have it all together." I believe that self understanding is the essence of the human spirit and that an innate inclination for not only preservation but enhancement of the individual and the species is the legacy of human evolution. By exploring and marking the paths of inner discovery in adult development it may be possible to view the turmoil and dissonance as a natural, necessary, and valid experience in the unfolding sequence of growth and not as an indication of personal inadequacies. Inner change can often seem like a random and haphazard process. The markers may help to create a trust for the internal process of change even though the territory is virgin. Those who learn to trust themselves are more comfortable trusting others and thus the development of the individual and the species are intricately connected. Statement of the Problem Most people do seem to develop or mature, one might say, as they move through life. The problem is that we do not clearly know how adult developmental change happens. What goes on in the black box where A enters and emerges some years later a B? The study of adult development is a relatively recent addition to the science of human behavior. In the early twentieth century, Freud forged a concept of the adult stages of the life cycle. Until this time, the emphasis was on child development and it was a commonly held notion that development basically plateaued when one reached adulthood. Jung later expanded on this work and in the 1950’s Erik Erikson made a major contribution to the study of adults with a model of development which included three adult stages. According to Erikson’s model a competing set of issues is posed to an adult in each stage, and this conflict must be resolved before moving on to the next stage. The three sets of issues for adults in developmental order are: intimacy vs.isolation, generativity vs. stagnation, and ego integrity vs. despair. In the past decade Sheehy(l976, 1981), Levinson, (1978) and Gould (1978) have popularized the notions of adult development. Even though these recent studies have contributed to the body of knowledge of adult deve10pment, theoretical and methodological variances emerge from the models of the three researchers. Clearly not enough is yet known about how developmental change occurs for adults and not enough ”ways of knowing have been traveled." To attempt to solve the problem there is a need to know what adaptive processes individuals employ to resolve, at least to some extent, the conflicts that emerge in the change process. A period of change may provide both "an opportunity for psychological growth and a danger of psychological deterioration" (Moos and Tsu, 1976, p. 13). An adapting individual will initiate behaviors and attitudes that lead to successful management of the change experience. This research will attempt to discover what those adaptive strategies are for each subject and how they are engaged. There is also a need to identify what is lost and what is gained in the restructuring of a life space. In the process of development new behaviors and attitudes which are effective for the current demands become part of the emergent personality. Other attributes which are no longer desirable or needed can begin to atrophy. To understand the movement of developmental change it is necessary to know what the upward reaching grasp is taking hold of and what of the past life has been outgrown. It is generally accepted (Vaillant, Sheehy, Gould, Siegelman) that some form of support promotes the developmental growth of individuals. Institutions make attempts to offer supports for people in various types of change moods. The problem is that the supportive services and assistance that one may logically conclude to be helpful to a person in a period of change may in fact not be the resources that the individual identifies and seeks out for him/herself. There is a need to know how individuals build and accept a system of support to mobilize themselves toward the growth alternative of developmental change. The final component of the problem is to clarify the common themes, if any, of the process of developmental change. The period of this study is one year (September, l983-August, 1984) for direct observation. I did, however, have self- report information of each subject’s history. If the process of developmental change over time is predictable to some extent, then in what way? The problem of this research is a process and therefore I believe cannot be studied merely by hindsight self -report. To be perched and talking about flight is not the same as to be in flight. The researcher must enter the movement with the subject to gain his/her perspective on the experience. The ethnographic methodology of this study is essential to the discovery of the nature of the problem and components as stated here. Significance of the Study Access to very personal, often private, data which becomes available by the ethnographic nature of this research is a major contribution it makes to the study of adult development. The past fifty years of research on adult development used primarily self -report methods of data collection. Typically questionnaires and interviews have been conducted to assess the experience of developmental change. Occasionally studies have included a visit to the home and/or working place, but only to a limited extent. While the self -report methods create a broad scope understanding of transition processes for large numbers of subjects, the methods include inherent limitations. For many reasons, subjects may not choose to share the fullness of their experiences, especially those that the subject believes do not reflect well on his/her character. In fact, Sheehy in her research for Pathfinders (1981) found that the women subjects in particular tended to minimize or deny their most difficult issues. The sifting of information to the interviewer may be a conscious effort to protect the ego or it may be a totally subconscious behavior. Also, people do have "blind spots" in their self understanding. The naturalistic methodology of this study contributes a depth of understanding that cannot be equivalently teased out by self-report methods. A period of change is a dynamic process of many moving parts and therefore can most accurately be viewed in its naturally active state. This short-term longitudinal study of the subjects (even though limited to one year) allows the researcher to capture meanings of experience which emerge over time. It is not merely the components or outcomes of the changes which are important, even more critical is the meaning the change process and new life structure hold for the person. This is the purpose of participant-observation, to find the meaning of experience f romlthe perspective of the subject. (Schatzman and Strauss, 1973) Opportunities to study adult development by participant observation are often difficult to arrange. Children and the elderly can be studied this way because they can be observed in institutions, i.e., schools and nursing homes. (Sheehy, 1976) In this study the four subjects lived together at the Center for Personal Growth, and I spent a great deal of time with them at the Center house. This setting was residential most of the time and also a social/educational setting when there was a program or gathering at the house. Researchers of adult development generally study single subjects on case study bases. In this study there are four interdependent case studies; the primary relationship that they have with each other is as housemates. In this research there is both the sum of the parts and the whole. The richness of connections and triangulation of data among subjects can deepen the research findings. This study may be helpful to student development administrators in higher education settings to promote adult development through providing services and programs which help students to manage their change experiences and stimulate growth. Not only would it be helpful to know what resources students actually use in their growth experiences, but also how they identify and incorporate support. Research findings in these areas could help administrators make more accurate decisions about which services to offer and how to deliver them to meet the developmental needs of students. In summary, the major significance of this research is the in-depth viewing of this private experience of developmental change which the participant- observation methodology permits. This is a unique contribution to other adult development research which is primarily short and long-term self -report case study methods. Background of Study Scope of the Study Much of the focus of my doctoral work centered on the topic of life transitions resulting from critical events and the subsequent adaptation process. In my studies I discovered that periods of event transition seemed to be the grist in the mill of a larger, more encompassing concept of developmental growth. This larger process of development piqued my curiosity about the quest for personal evolution and thus is the pursuit of this research. According to Levinson (1978) developmental change growth consists of both periods of relative calm and stabilization referred to as developmental stages, alternated with periods of upheaval and change between the stages referred to as periods of developmental transition. According to various researchers, (Sheehy, Erikson, Levinson, Gould) a developmental stage might last from six to twenty years. Definitions of the period of a stage differ in the literature. There is more agreement in the literature however that a developmental transition may usually last from three to five years. This study is a published account of a one-year slice of that process of adult developmental transition for four people. Negotiation of Entry Having identified a topic of interest, the next step was to "locate a site that contains people and social activity bearing upon that interest" (Schatzman and Strauss, 1973). The site chosen was the Zenith Center which is a community center for personal growth and healthful living. The center first opened at a physical location on September 1, 1983, although the organization was in a formative stage which included planning and limited programming in the year prior to that date. During the summer prior to the Zenith Center opening, it was announced within the community that four rooms were available to rent at the Center. Of the six people who expressed interest four were selected by a f ive-member managing board of the Zenith Center to live at the Center house. After individual rental agreements were made between each person and the Zenith board, I privately talked with each of the four about participation in the research study. I communicated the purpose of the research, my commitments to them, and the expectations they could assume with respect to my role as a researcher. Without hesitation and in fact with great enthusiasm each agreed to be a subject in this research. It was stated by each in his/her own words that this experience could be helpful in their self understanding. The Site The primary site for the study was a house in a city which hosts a large midwestern university. The site served as the home of a center for personal development and the home of the four subjects who were renting rooms from the center for a period of one year, (September 1, 1983 - August 31, 1984) which was the period of study. The ground floor included a living room with a fireplace, a dining room, a kitchen, and 1/2 bath. These rooms were for common usage by the residents and participants of the center’s activities. The house was accessible to the physically challenged and was open to the public only during hours of specified programs and meetings. Three residents (one male, two females) lived in private rooms on the second floor. A bathroom and small sitting/TV room were also on the second floor. The fourth resident (female) lived on the third floor. The center sponsored one or two programs each week which the residents could attend at no charge. Additionally, typically one meeting per week was held at the center. Often, signs were posted on the wall above the fireplace to advertise upcoming Zenith Center events and other community events. The tudor style and large size of the house gave it a stately, yet inviting tone. Inside the house was crisp and warm with subdued colors for carpet and curtains. The natural oak trim throughout the house was attractive. Many tall windows allowed the home to be filled with sunlight during the days. The home was probably built in the 1930’s and reflected the thoughtful crafting skills of the day. Although most of the data was collected at this site, other locations such as work, school and social settings were secondary sites for each subject. The Subjects The subjects were chosen based first on their interest in living at the Zenith Center and second, by the board’s selection of four candidates who had some similar characteristics that might encourage a more enjoyable living situation. Each subject was a student (3 part-time, l full-time) at the local university and their ages ranged from 21 to 28. None of the subjects knew each other before moving into the center. Margo Wilbur (age 22) was the first person to express interest in the Zenith Center. She has been involved in personal growth experiences and organizations for the past five years. She was beginning to look toward a move to California so that she could get more involved in a growth lifestyle, when her mother told her about the openings at the Zenith Center that were announced in the Zenith 10 newsletter. Margo wrote a letter in June of 1983 to the board expressing her interest in living at the Center. The board was immediately positive toward her selection, but because of a miscommunication among board members, she was not notified until early August. She accepted the invitation to live at the Zenith Center even though she had begun to make arrangements for the California move. During August I taught an assertiveness training class at the university. One of the students in the course was Stephanie Rogers. 1 had met her before and knew that she lived alone and she had expressed her pleasure in the privacy. Nonetheless I mentioned the opening at the Zenith Center to her. She viewed living with others as a challenge but one that she had been considering recently. And so with some trepidation and some thrill for adventure, she acknowledged an interest in living at the Zenith Center. Heidi Jones was the third to join the Center. She worked with one of the board members as a student volunteer in a Nature Center program that be coordinated. He knew of her interest in the spiritual and creative aspects of life and so on occasion they talked about the formation and activities of the Zenith Center. When the board member mentioned the opening at the Center, Heidi was interested. She thought that living at the Center would give more structure to the pursuit of personal growth that she had been directing on her own. Following the identification of the first three residents, and subsequent subjects, almost a month passed before Lance Johnson was selected. A few other males had expressed interest, but they did not seem to fit in with the three who had previously committed to the experience. Signs were posted around the campus describing the Zenith Center as a Center for Personal Growth and announcing the room for rent. Lance responded to the solicatation and was selected as the fourth resident a week into September. 11 Methods The research approach of this study is a blend of methods and techniques known as participant observation, ethnography, and fieldwork. This blend of techniques "involves some amount of genuinely social interaction in the field with the subjects of the study, some direct observation of relevant events, some formal and a great deal of informal interviewing, some systematic counting, some collection of documents and artifacts, and open-endedness in the direction that the study takes.” (McCall, Simmons, 1969, p.1) The researcher is both a participant in the day-to-day events of the culture under study and also an observer searching to understand the meanings of activities from the perspective of the subjects. According to Erikson, Florio, Buschman (1980, p.2), fieldwork "involves being unusually thorough and reflective in noticing, describing, and interpreting the significance of everyday events in the field setting.” The process of human interactions with others and with the environment are complicated and multi-dimensional. Participant observation methods permit the researcher to view the processes in an active, moving, relational state i.e. the natural setting for the subject. Research Assumptions Four assumptions undergird this study: 1. Research questions are not definitive prerequisites in fieldwork; they may emerge at anytime. The design of a fieldwork study will be ref ashioned as the study progresses. 2. Reality is infinitely complex and therefore a researcher does not discover the simple ”truth” about a subject; rather, 12 understandings grounded in data are used to further or confront ideas about classes of observations. 3. It is not the event or observed behavior in and of itself that is important but rather the human meaning that the subject gives to the occurrence. 4. The adult personality is viewed as always, in its essence, developing. This development might be marked by periods of disruption or periods or relative calm and stabilization. Delimitations of Study The areas listed here are beyond the scope of the study: 1. This study did not seek to elucidate the effects of the Zenith Personal Growth Center on the subjects. A relationship between the subject and his/her living environment does exist, but this study did not seek to establish that relationship as a specified causal one. 2. This study did not explore the developmental experiences of people from a variety of age groups or racial/ethnic backgrounds. 3. Periods of developmental change may last five years or more. This study did not attempt to track a subject through an entire period of developmental change, but rather to document the experience of developmental change that does occur in a one- year period. 4. Although the subjects of this study may be defined as male or female, heterosexual or homosexual, student or non-student, high l3 income or low income, etc., the conclusions are not stratified via these characteristics. 5. This study is designed to be an in-depth research of four individuals and does not seek to generalize beyond these particular situations. Limitations of the Study The areas listed here are limitations that existed within the circumference of the study: 1. The researcher did not have unlimited access to subjects in all settings. Relationships with parents and particularly conflicts were reported by the subjects to have major impact on them. The conflict occurrences were never directly observed. Also, in two cases a number of critical breakthroughs were experienced with significant others. Although casual interactions were observable, the more serious interactions were not accessible to the researcher. The amount of sharing and relative depth of expression differed significantly among the four subjects. Also, with some subjects during some time periods, observation opportunities were easily available. With other subjects, natural observation was difficult and contrived arrangements were necessary in order to establish contact. In March 1984, one of the subjects moved from the Zenith Center. After this time it was nearly impossible to observe her in her home setting; however, she remained quite involved in the 14 home setting; however, she remained quite involved in the activities of the Center and continued to be observed in that setting. Guiding Research Questions These research questions served as a guide to the researcher in the exploration of developmental change. From the primary perspective of the subject: 1. What are the issues of personal change and conflict that emerged during the year of study? 2. How did the subject approach the adaptation process to emergent issues? 3. What are the evidences of personal change for the subject that led to an overall sense of growth or deterioration over the course of the year? The primary guiding research questions stated above emerged after some time in the field. They are closely related to but different from the set of initial research questions listed in Appendix A. Summary The purpose of this research is to view the experience of developmental change in the lives of four subjects between the ages of 21 and 28, who lived at a Center for Personal Growth from September, 1983 to August, 1984. This study attempts to observe the subsequent accommodating and adapting responses to this change. By understanding the difficult yet natural process of development for adults in their twenties, one may glean a greater and appreciation for the experience. One might 15 diminish his/her innocent stumbling and awkward, fearful reactions if the mystery of development became more visible in our culture or perhaps even celebrated. The problem is that we need to know more about the day-to-day drama of developmental change. What conflicts emerge and how people battle with them or succumb to the perceived overwhelming odds? How do people manage times of personal crisis that draw on their ability to respond more creatively than they believe they are capable of doing? How do people build support and empower themselves for readiness in the struggles, and at some moments remind themselves that they are sane in this crazy business of growth? Finally the problem is that more needs to be known about the common themes in the process of developmental change. This research may suggest ways in which we as humans, are alike in our evolutionary quest. The depth of this research, due to use of ethnographic methods, is a significant contriubtion toward the study of adult development. This study goes beyond the self-report data that can often be confounding when the subject him/herself is confused about the experience. Ethnography permits triangulation with self-report, observation within various situations, and includes several methods i.e.journal keeping, information from others, observation over time, verbal and non-verbal cues, and others. It is also significant that much of the participant observation of this study occurs in a home setting. This is a unique opportunity to view the subject in what is generally considered their private world even though, at times,the Zenith house switches to public sector. It is not the intent of this study to generalize beyond the lives of the four subjects. It is believed that the depth of this research may stir up into the observable, visible realm, those nuances of human behavior that could be studied more broadly. CHAPTER 2 RESEARCH METHODS Introduction The purpose of this study is to view the fullness of the process of developmental change for four subjects in their twenties. The important research of adult development in the last fifty years (Erikson, Gould,Levinson, Bridges, et.al.) used clinical and/or structured interviews as the primary method of data gathering. My approach to researching this topic also used an interview format at times to gather data; but the interviews I conducted were of an informal nature and not structured with specific questions for a subject or across subjects. Also, the interview was only one approach used in my discovery process. As the researcher, I predominantly relied upon direct observation of the subjects in their natural setting, i.e. I entered the field of my subject. Using the practice of ethnographic observation in this way offers an advantage of potential for richness in the study of adult development that might include all of the ups and downs and nuances of behaviors that might not show up in a self-report, hindsight interview. The disadvantage is that one researcher cannot study a great number of subjects in this way and generalizability can be suggested but not offered clearly beyond the specific subjects. In this study, I used ethnographic methods as described in this chapter to search for the richness and depth of development for four peOple in their twenties. The Purpose and Practice of Ethnography The specific method used for this research study was ethnography which belongs to a family of approaches that include fieldwork, qualitative study, 16 l7 participant observation, interpretive research, phenomenology, and naturalistic research among others (Erickson, Schatzman & Strauss, McCall & Simmons). These terms, though often used interchangeably in the literature, do retain some unique twists of philosophy and application. All, however, hold a common purpose, i.e. to study the human meaning of life from the perspective of the subject or subjects. In this dissertation, I use the terms ethnography, participant observation, and fieldwork to refer to my research approach. The art and science of ethnography portrays a harmony of contrasts. The method possesses both rigor and systematic inquiry, as well as, passive and intuitive characteristics. Ethnography is both guided and open. In fact,being a discovery process, problem statements "may emerge at any point in there search process"(Schatzman & Strauss, 1973, p.3.). Perhaps the descriptor most clearly evident is the term ”balance." One must do ethnography as sensitively and as skillfully as a canoeist maneuvers a river. At times one must use her wisdom and intuition to guide the canoe and at other times one must surrender to the power of the river as the guiding force. Ethnography suits particularly well those research projects which attempt to study complex social processes in depth. Erickson (1985,p.9) states that"interpretive methods using participant observational fieldwork are most appropriate when one needs to know more about:" 1. The specific structure of occurrences rather than their general character and overall distribution. 2. The meaning perspectives of the particular actors on the particular events 3. The location of naturally occurring points of contrast that can be observed as natural experiments when we are unable logistically or ethically to meet experimental conditions of consistency of intervention and of control over other influences on the setting. 4. The identification of specific causal linkages that were not identified by experimental methods, and the development of new theories about causes and other influences on the patterns that are identified in survey data or experiments. 18 The arena of personal development is filled with conflict and crisis (Erikson, Perry, Kohlberg). It would be experimentally impossible to create the conditions of human development for research purposes even if one could decide what those conditions might be. The methods of ethnography clearly suit the objectives and purpose of this developmental study. According to McCall and Simmons (1969, p. 3), proponents of participant observation assert that it "allows real study of social processes and complex interdependencies in social systems... they consider the data of participant observation richer and more direct." The potential for thickness exists with methods of ethnography,because of greater attention to the detail of life as it is being lived. However, I believe it is the thoroughness and honesty of the researcher that most affects the meaningfulness and usefulness of the work. One uses fieldwork methods to answer the following five questions:(Erickson, Florio, Buschman, l980,p. l) (1) What’s happening in this field setting? (2) What do the happenings mean to the people involved in them? (3) What do people have to know in order to do what they do in the setting? (4) How does what is happening here relate to what is happening in the wider social context of this setting? and (5) How does the organization of what is happening here differ from that found in other places and times?" What’s happening in this setting may seem like a question with quite an obvious response, yet the essential challenge of fieldwork lies in identifying the subtleties and complexities of the "invisible" obvious. To bring common occurrences into my range of conscious seeing, I would initially often ask myself 19 in a scene, "What is happening here?...now?" Each round of the question moved the camera in for a more microscopic view. Raising the question in a scene broke my mesmerization and heightened my sensitivity. I found myself amazed at the increased activity that became visible to me in a cross-sectional moment of time. For example, during the first month of the study the four residents of the Zenith Center invited the Zenith Board, a few friends, and me over for dinner. I asked myself: "What’s happening here...now?" Ten people are seated on the floor in the living room around a tablecloth and are eating dinner, picnic style, and conversing and laughing. "What’s happening here...now?" Stephanie had been quiet in the group, but when Lance started talking about Stonewall as a time and place in New York that began the gay rights movement, Stephanie began asking questions. "What’s happening here...now?" Stephanie asks a question as soon as Lance answers her previous one. ”What’s happening here...now?" Stephanie, although her voice was quiet at first, is asking her questions more loudly. "What’s happening here...now?" I hadn’t noticed her eye contact at first, but here, now she has eye contact with Lance as she begins the question, ”Well, how is it...”, then her gaze focuses on her plate in front of her as she finished the sentence, ”...that you learned all of this about gay history?” "What’s happening here...now?" I began to notice what wasn’t happening. Lance was using the term ’gay’ to refer to homosexual men, and "lesbian" to refer to homosexual women. When he referred to both he would say gay and lesbian. Stephanie, however, used the term ’gay’ to refer to both men and women and never used the term lesbian. She also did not have eye contact with any other people seated on the floor even when they made an occasional comment. This focus alternately on Lance and her plate only occurred during the 7-10 minute discussion 20 of Stonewall. At the end of discussion of this topic, she dropped the serious face she had been showing, smiled broadly, excitedly thanked Lance for being so "informative” and the group returned to conversation among 2-3 people groupings. Obviously more was happening here than merely 10 people having dinner together. This selected lO-minute slice of the evening exhibited a multitude of possibilities concerning issues, roles, dynamics, styles and other factors that were expressed verbally and non-verbally and also the data that comes from what is not expressed in a situation. What is happening here is an infinitely broad question. In the beginning months of this study, I found it quite difficult to participate in the life events of my subjects, such as the one stated above,and to be aloof and discernful at the same time. Had I been purely a guest at the dinner and not an ethnographer, I likely would have absorbed some cues about Stephanie’s interaction with Lance at a subconscious level. Also, I probably would have made some immediate judgments about what the discussion meant and quickly would have moved on to what was happening next. As a human being I make judgments about an interaction that I view, but my task as a developing ethnographer is to suspend my judgment and to try to understand what meaning the experience holds for the subject(s) involved. Vidich (1969, p. 78) asserts that, "participant observation enables the research worker to secure his data within the mediums, symbols, and experiential worlds which have meaning to his respondants... and its intent is to prevent imposing alien meanings upon the actions of the subject.” A successful ethnographer with a useful study must win this struggle to suspend personal judgment to instead discover the meaning from the perspective of the subject. One must, however, be cautious when seeking to identify the meaning that an incident has for a subject. Meanings are multitudinal. A subject may hold several, perhaps even opposing, perspectives on a situation all at once. There is no 21 ultimate truth that ethnography seeks to discover, rather it is the relative meanings held by those in the field that is the source of study. The researcher assumes reality to be infinitely complex. Observations or interview responses made by the subject are not judged to be either "true” or "untrue",but rather, the observation is "evaluated according to its usefulness in furthering ideas about this class of objects and according to whether the understanding is grounded in data" (Schatzman and Strauss, 1973, p. 7). Overtime and through recurrent fieldwork observations, significant meanings emerge. According to Erickson (1985, pp. 7-8) "fieldwork research involves (l)intensive long-term participation in a field setting, (2) careful recording of what happens in the setting by writing field notes and collecting other kinds of documentary evidence, (e.g., memos, records, examples of student work,audiotapes, video-tapes), (3) subsequent analytic reflection on the documentary record obtained in the field, and reporting by means of detailed description,using narrative vignettes and direct quotes from interviews, as well as by a more general description in the form of analytic charts, summary tables, and descriptive statistics.” In the assumption of these duties one must be, Erickson continues, "unusually thorough and reflective in noticing and describing everyday events in the field setting and in attempting to identify the significance of actions in the events from the various points of view of the actors themselves.” Ethnography is a way of describing what "people must have learned in order to participate acceptably in most of the activities of that society"(Goodenough, 1980, p.29). To do such study, the researcher must participate in activities with the subject. She must get close to the people that she studies by being with them in the natural environment where they live and work. Actually to discover what people have learned in order to participate successfully in a society at some level is not just the problem of the researcher, but 22 it is the process of enculturation for survival of every human being. In the normal course of enculturation, ”people learn to anticipate the responses and to meet the expectations of others unself— consciously and without close attention to how they do it" (Goodenough, 1980, p.31). These processes are fairly subjective. Goodenough purports that to make them objects of scientific study requires that behavioral scientists do the following things: 1. They must self-consciously undertake to learn about the expectations of others. 2. They must make as careful a record as possible of what they seem to be learning as they go. 3. They must seek through introspection to discern and objectify the cognitive operations by which they feel they are learning it. 4. They must try to describe what they have learned in a manner that will allow others to know as precisely as possible what they too, must learn if they are to learn the same thing. Through these actions, the ethnographer can often "bring light" to what is often referred to as the dark side of human experience... to make visible what has been invisible... to give form to what has had only substance. The process of ethnography is discovery, reflection, analysis and education. The real value of such work lies in the ability of the research to add to the understanding of the human experience. Methods and Procedures The method of ethnographic inquiry works effectively as a "system of strategies and operations designed-- at any time-- for getting answers to certain 23 questions about events. Every strategy has built in capabilities and weaknesses."(Schatzman and Strauss, 1973, p. 9) The researcher must make strategic decisions about what methods to use and how and when to use them throughout the study. In this study, I used the following five strategies for data collection: (1) Participant Observation - I gathered the majority of my data through observation of the subjects in their home setting. During the data collection I participated in whatever activity was occurring. Observation included watching their behavior and listening to their interactions. Informal, non-scheduled interviews fall within this participant observation category. Not only did I observe the subjects, but also their use of space within the Center such as how they decorated their rooms and how they used common areas. Although most observation occurred at the Zenith Center, I also spent time with each subject in their other arenas such as school and work. In these settings I participated less fully. (2) Interviews with Participants - I conducted scheduled interviews to develop a sense of the life history of each subject --important events from the past, relationships with family, and whatever else the subject chose to share. The interview provided a private time for the subject to process and share his/her feelings about the group living situation and to reflect on his/her experiences and feelings at the present moment. The interview also became useful to develop a 24 future orientation. Each subject shared thoughts about goals, dreams, and wants. Finally I used the interview as an opportunity to introduce observations of the subject that I had made so that I could have their direct input and reflection on the incident. At least three scheduled interviews were held with each subject throughout the year. (3) Interviews with Center Board Members as Local Informants - Each member of the Zenith Center Managing Board had a great deal of contact with the subjects. These individuals were interviewed both formally and informally throughout the year. I found their views and impressions particularly helpful because they were able to observe the subjects and the environment over time, but were not directly involved in their day-to-day lives. (4) Document Analysis - I asked each subject to maintain a journal of writings, art work, or any means of self- expression if they were so inclined. All expressed interest in doing so. However, only one subject actually maintained a journal and this was something she had already been doing for years. For the other subjects I do have letters and notes that were written to me throughout the year. In analysis of documents I looked for the meaning each subject drew from their experiences as well as word usage and how this changed with time. 25 (5) Time Charts - As a way to discover how subjects spent their time in a particular week as well as how they chose to record and label that time, I requested that each subject keep a time chart for one week at two different times during the year. (6) Taping of House Meetings - Two (2) house meetings were audio taped. Meeting length approximated 90 minutes. I used the tapes to compare two different times during the year. These strategies when used in an interrelated fashion, firm the foundation of this study. The nature of this problem for study demands a multi-methods approach because ”the various methods give totally different kinds of information that can supplement each other, because we do not know how to interpret some of the information unless we can couple it with other information, or because we need a cross-check to verify the validity of our observations.” (Gorden, 1980, p. 22). This process of coupling different kinds of information or information received through different strategies may be called triangulation. For instance, I might triangulate my observation of an incident with an excerpt from Heidi’s journal about the same occurrence. One such example happened on October 17, 1983. It was the date of the first housemeeting. Stephanie said to the group "I think we need to argue better.” There was silence in the group. Heidi gazed at Stephanie with a blank stare. Eventually Margo gave Stephanie some support on the suggestion. Heidi’s response during the meeting was rather blank, but later that night in in her journal Heidi wrote: I’ve been thinking about the comment that Stephanie made in the meeting tonight about learning to argue. I think she’s right. I get so defensive when I argue that 26 I don’t hear a word the other person says. It’s a self- centeredness within me that I don’t like. Interesting suggestion from Stephanie. I’ll have to notice how his develops throughout the year. From the meeting I might have surmised that Heidi didn’t have much connection to the "learn to argue" comment made by Stephanie. In fact however,it was an area of thoughtful reflection for Heidi and a theme to which she would return throughout the year. Triangulation led to a fuller sense of understanding the perspective of the subject in this case. It may be helpful to the reader to have a time sequenced overview of the strategies and particular research tasks completed during the 12-month period of the study. A time sequence chart is presented on the following page. 27 Time Sequence of Study September 1983 - August 1984 MONTH TASK 1-3 1 10-12 General participation observations;broad data collection Initial interview with each subject - theme: "Why do you want to live at the Center?; Journals begin Interview #2 with subjects - theme: "What are your initial impressions of living at the Center? How do you perceive the effects of the living situation on you?”; Informal interviews with Board member informants Group process with all 4 subjects -- theme: "How has your experience at the Center been affected by the other residents? What has this experience meant to you?"; Taping of house meeting #1; Time chart #1 Formation of significant classes of observations; Interviews with Board member informants Interview #3 with subjects - test tentative classes of observations for confirming or disconfirming self report Make tentative linkages among classes of behavior; Housemeeting to discuss the process of transitions; Discussion of personal change Test and revise tentative linkages by participant observation; Interview #4 - theme: ”What impact do you perceive that you’ve had on others?"; Time chart #2 Taping of house meeting #3 - theme: "Review of the year, the issues, the growth, the problems. Make key linkages Test key linkage by participant observation and individual interviews FIGURE 1: Time Sequence of Study 28 Data Collection and Analysis Deliberate decisions about the process of inquiry guide the fieldworker throughout the entire process of data collection. Ihde(l979,p.l4) contend that phenomenology "is like an investigative science...it is experimental and its experiments are conducted according to a carefully worked out set of controls and methods." But fieldworker methods are not completely structured. Erickson (1985, p.91) states that the "fieldworker’s daily presence in the setting is guided by deliberate decisions about sampling and by intuitive reactions as well." Structuring the frame for observation provides a foundation for initially viewing the flow and dynamics of open systems such as living beings and environments. However, the fieldworker must be open to acknowledging and accepting the unexpected observations and meanings that do not fit in preconceived receptacles for understanding. The critical nature of this guiding concept becomes evident in the early phase of this study. In fact, Schatzman and Strauss (1973, p.14) state that the "naturalist as researcher will not, in advance, presuppose more than the barest rudiments of social order and social value. What he will do is to maximize the possibilities of discovering these as they are developed by people within the situation". It is helpful, in a sense, to enter a situation with a certain naivete of the object of study. And yet, in my case, I chose to investigate the area of adult development which is a subject of captivating interest to me.My background in the subject covered many years of intellectual wrestling with the concepts of development for adults. I wondered how I could possibly be ”fresh" for my new task. An early realization respirited my sensitivity to my observations. First, I realized that my readings in adult development had focused on the"what”... the markers of adult development. Within a few short weeks in the field it became 29 clear that I was seeing not only "what" the subjects were dealing with but "how" they approached the sustenance of their lives. I saw not only the final outcome of behavior but the waivering and indecision and emotional energy that surrounded each step. And finally, I wondered if the full range that I was seeing in my research would possibly ever be shared on a self -report basis which is the foundation of many adult development studies in print. As the study progresses, the researcher must ”maintain a continuing ’denovo’ sensitivity and appreciation of all events”. (Schatzman & Strauss, 1973,p. 53) As occurrences seemingly began to repeat themselves and then fade toward the background, I tried to wrest some new insight or contradiction from the observation. Initial Phase In the initial phase of fieldwork one makes general observations directed at the whole field of possible experiential phenomena (Strauss, 1969, Ihde,l979). The first steps of phenomenological looking may be referred to as an epoche, which means to "suspend or step back from our ordinary ways of looking,to set aside our usual assumptions regarding things". (Ihde, 1979, p. 32) A tendency toward hasty closure threatens the ethnographic process,particularly in the initial phase. Information processing programs help people to make sense of external and internal experiences (Glasser, 1981). When certain perceptions or experiences trigger a feeling of dissonance on the mind,we pay closer attention to these until there is a feeling that the experiences absorbed. But when first entering a field, there are too many percepts; the quantity is beyond one’s capacity and so to automatically screen out by instant closure makes the scene manageable or perceptable rather than overwhelming. This closure ll 30 bypasses dissonance altogether. An ethnographer must maintain a healthy cautionary awareness about instant closure as a coping mechanism. There seems to be two types of inhibiting closure (Microcosmology, l976,p.63): (l) hasty closure where a thought, object, or experience is (a)noticed, (b) thought about, and (c) a conclusion is reached too hastily, and(2) instant closure where you do not even notice a percept which actually contains useful information. Inhibiting closure is especially likely to occur with perceptions similar to ones with which we have achieved closure in the past. The problem here is that the researcher can begin to have a narrow view based on a program of what she will let in vs. really "seeing" the field in its fullness. Ihde (1979, p. 34) enlarges the keyhole for "seeing" as a phenomenologist by structuring operational rules to help break the mesmerization of familiar patterns that lead to premature closure. The four operational rules are listed and clarified below. Operational Rule #1: Attend to the phenomena of the experience as they appear. The initial experiences are the cue points. In my study I diminished the import of my initial observations because despite my intellectual acceptance of the notion ”to accept the phenomena of the experience as they appear", I kept trying to transform simple observations into meaningful relationships through hasty closure on phenomena. This remained a struggle throughout the early phase. Operational Rule #2: Describe, don’t explain. This is the second rule for halting premature closure on the sensory battleground of the field of study. To "explain" during the early phases of the study would necessitate that I do so from my own viewpoint which is limited by my biases and sphere of familiarity. Initially, I noticed that my mental activity surrounding an observation was primarily explanatory. To continue with this hasty sense-making strategy would certainly cause problems in my study. 31 To combat this, when making notes immediately following an observation, I would strictly filter my thoughts so that I was only recording descriptive information. At first I wondered if I missed a great deal by this filtering process, but eventually it became clear to me that this discipline proved helpful. Soon I began to observe with description in mind and my observations became more naturally descriptive rather than judgmental or assuming during the initial phase. Operational Rule #3: Horizontalize or equalize all immediate phenomena . All phenomena observed in a situation during the initial phase are thought of as equally real. Again, one suspends judgment as the reality emerges with a senses of holism. I found it necessary to deliberately confront my own hierarchical belief structures for ordering my way of seeing. Often I found that my subjects gave me a variety of messages in a given moment and often they appeared to be conflicting. For example, in late September I attended a workshop designing meeting where Margo was present and her mother was also there along with seven other peeple. At one point Margo was speaking and her mother interrupted and proceeded to tell her idea to the group. When Margo’s mother finished, she turned to Margo and asked, "What were you saying Margo?" Margo had a blank,emotionless look on her face, but her legs were crossed tightly and her arms folded close to her chest. She replied to her mother a somewhat chilly,"Nothing." So what was Margo communicating? Did she honestly have nothing to say? Did she really have an emotionless response as her face suggested? Was she feeling frightened or withdrawn as her crossed arms and legs suggested , or was she angry as the chill in her voice suggested? To horizontalize, she had the potential for any or all of these at once. She was perhaps some combination of emotionless, frightened, and angry. In the initial phase the cues are viewed as equally real. Operational Rule #4: Seek out structured or invariant features of the phenomena. This is a second level rule which means that it would apply as one 32 begins to find the commonality within the data-- the invariant features. Worth noting here is that many features which may appear to be polarized or at least different on first viewing such as heads and tails,may actually be one at the level of seeing that it is a coin -- just different views. These rules purported by Ihde encourage the researcher to use the initial phase of fieldwork as a period of general observation where "specific problems and foci have not yet been determined"(Strauss et. al. 1969, p. 25). Erickson(l985, p. 110) tempers this notion by suggesting that the researcher does indeed hold "preconceptions and guiding questions...from the outset...but does not presume to know where specifically, the initial questions might lead next.”It is generally agreed (Ihde, Erickson,Schatzman & Strauss, Goodenough),however, that researchers need to enter a field with the widest receptivity to what may be presented. The actual mechanics of data collection in the initial phase involved rigorous notetaking. After each contact with a subject or visit to the field,I immediately (frequently, though not always) made a set of brief, rough notes to highlight my observations. A few hours later in the evening I would make a complete set of thorough field notes. The notes included date, time, setting,and other useful demographic information. I used three categories of notes suggested by Schatzman and Strauss (1973). The categories included observational notes (denoted by ON in the field notes), theoretical notes (TN)and methodological notes (MN). Observational notes record the content of the observation, i.e. what was done and said, who was involved, how the activity happened. These notes primarily described and included as little interpretation as possible. Theoretical notes help the researcher to make preliminary statements of analysis. Often theoretical wanderings came in the form of questions which further directed 33 investigation. Methodological notes include tactical suggestions and decisions such as tasks to do for further investigation, who to interview next, suggestions to triangulate a recent observation with past notes or another source. Second Phase During the second phase, the researcher begins "to make sense of the massive flow of events" (Strauss, et al. a1, 1969, p.39). Repeated patterns become significant. The verb for this phase is "to probe". The researcher,according to Ihde’s (1969) fourth hermeneutic rule, seeks out "structural or invariant features of the phenomena”. Directed investigation and analysis begin operation during this phase although this conscious focus remains coupled with an openness to the field as it presents itself. As I recorded notes, eventually I noticed a number of events that appeared very much ”like" each other. These created a class of events. The discovery of significant classes of persons, behaviors, things, and events and their characteristics is the fundamental operation in the analysis of qualitative data. It no longer was necessary to record classified behavior every time, but rather to hold onto it until it re-emerges in importance or in another way. As this happened the investigation became selective and efficient in notetaking as the usefulness of certain types of data became clear. According to Strauss (1969, p.25), this second phase "is marked by greater attention to particular aspects of the field and by an emerging set of propositions". I would like to share with the reader some of the reasoning process I went through to discover classes of behavior and to make linkages among classes which resulted in the findings of Chapter 4 and the conclusions of this study. I will use the case of Heidi Jones to exemplify this point. Full development of these points concerning Heidi appear in her case study summary in Chapter 4. 34 In some of my first observations of Heidi I noticed an outgoing, vivacious and personable individual who seemed to relate to people with great case. A number of observations began to collect around this notion as a ”class of behaviors." As I sought out disconfirming evidence to this class, I indeed did discover it. Upon deeper and longer term observation I began to notice that Heidi did reveal herself to others but in a rather sporadic and superficial manner with a number of different people. I then began to notice that Heidi was pursuing deeper, more fully honest relationships in her life and that she found it difficult to self reveal at a more genuine level with the few more special people in her life. She was struggling to get beyond sharing only her ”pleasing” thoughts. These new behaviors to form more honest relationships became a class of behaviors that remained confirmed as a class throughout the period of study. I developed classes of observations on two levels in this research. Each of the four subjects formed his/her own distinct classes of behavior unique to each as in the case of Heidi’s issue, to form honest relationships. Of equal importance were those areas that overlapped in describing the adaptation process of all four subjects together such as all subjects during the course of the study developed and used a support system. The commonalities and distinctions both paint the picture. Final Phase The final phase consists of "systematic effort to pinpoint various hypotheses".(Strauss, l969,p.25) In this sense the researcher begins to restrict the focus of observation. This pinpointing must be balanced on occasion with more wide open observation in order to maintain perspective on the overall context of the viewing. 35 During this phase continued linkages between and among the classes of observations made in the second phase emerged. At first the links were made with simple statements called propositions. I then searched for affirming and dis confirming evidence of my tentative linkages by making comparisons over time or among subjects. At this point some connections dropped or shifted in importance, others surfaced as strong glue in the continuity of the process. Classes securely linked to one another begin to fall into sets in an ever-increasing density of linkages. Those classes with the most explanatory power were saturated with data. An example of these linkages occurred in the area of development of support. As mentioned on the previous page, all the subjects developed and used a system of support in connection with their change process. As the linkages thickened I discovered that conflict served as a critical element of that support. The conflict among the subjects was generally done in respectful ways which enabled each to use the information in the self examination process that marked the developmental growth process for each subject. Also, in the issue ”to form honest relationships," which each subject experienced to some degree, the role of healthy conflict again emerged as a necessary outcome of honesty. The class of conflict behavior offered explanatory power to many components of the study and this sort of notion serves as linkages among the various pockets of observations. These heavy classes of linkages became the focus of the last few months of study and were subjected to deliberate, controlled investigation. The key linkages were clearly identified and tested in the field. The final effort of the research was to resubmerge into the data once out of the field to regain a perspective of the whole allowing the meaning and the value of this work to emerge. 36 Summary The specific method used for this research study was ethnography. The purpose of this method is to study the human meaning of life from the perspective of the subject(s). In order to do this, it is necessary for the researcher to suspend judgment and interpretations based on the values of one’s own life, in favor of building an understanding of the perspective of the subject. This approach is an exceptionally well-suited tool for the study of adult development and the particular research questions of this study. CHAPTER 3 REVIEW OF THE LITERATURE Introduction This research focuses on the dynamics of developmental change and in particular, a one year portion of the developmental process for four adult subjects who are students at a midwest university. Two families of theories on human behavior contribute especially well to an examination and understanding of adult development. They are cognitive development theory which includes the works of Piaget, Kohlberg, Perry, and Kegan, et.al., and psychosocial theory which includes the works of Freud, Jung, Erikson, Sheehy, Gould, Levinson and Vaillant among others. Cognitive development theories focus primarily on the "how" of developmental growth, i.e. the "process" that one goes through to change and evolve. Psychosocial theories generally apply to the "content" of development, i.e. the preoccupations that one has at certain points in the life cycle, or the "what" of developmental growth. A juxtaposition of these theories from the perspectives of a variety of researchers provides a foundation from which t view the phenomena of adult development. In this review of relevant literature, first I will embed the concept of individual change in the larger context of social change. I will also examine each family of theories--cognitive development and psychosocial -- by these two questions: (1) What kinds of phenomena are examined by the family of theories? and (2) How does developmental change take place according to each family of theories? I will also highlight contributions made by particular adult development theorists which fall within the psychosocial family. 37 38 Societal Change Context We live today in a society of rapid and significant change. Toffler heralded us into an awareness of this era of transience in his book Future Shggk (1970). Health and well-being in the coming decades, according to Toffler, lies in the ability of one to acknowledge, understand, and successfully move with the changes of society which promotes change within the individual. On this groundwork John Naisbitt, in his currently popular Megatrends (1984), suggests that sufficient change has occurred in the last decade to command a new order for society which requires restructuring of activities and meanings on an individual, local, national,and world level. There exists perhaps, a quiet desperation felt by many to make sense of the world around them and their own lives which seem filled with the challenge of finding a ”fit" in a world that won’t stay still. To merely adjust to change is to become a victim to the press of the environment. To grab hold of the changes in one’s life and to use them for growth is to realize the.great evolutionary potential of this moment in history. Adaptation to change means survival; well-known theorists of evolution agree on this. The crucial aspect of our current process of societal adaptation is that change "has never occurred so massively and relentlessly as in our current century.” (Siegelman, 1983, p.30) When change comes quickly and/or in massive doses, the individual can become traumatized. Anything the person can do to "anticipate, foreshadow, or rehearse a part of the change makes the new situation less disruptive and reduction of anxiety in major change requires both information and emotional support." (Siegelman, 1983, p.41) The counterforce to the disruptive force of massive change is our ability to become conscious of the process of change and to develop support systems for individuals and communities. 39 Review of Cognitive Development Theories Cognitive development theories represented by Piaget (1952), Kohlberg (1969), and Perry (1968) focus attention primarily upon the process of how people learn, think, reason, make decisions, establish ethical positions, and make meaning out of available information. The basic element of study is a cognitive structure, i.e. a "set of assumptions which acts as a filter or set of lenses for defining how an individual will tend to perceive, organize, and evaluate experiences and events.” (Rodgers, 1980, p.14) Development in this family of theories is a progression through an invariant sequence of hierarchical stages with each stage representing a qualitatively different way of thinking. Developmental change can create a kind of upending of structure that can eventually lead to a more differentiated and integrated structural organization that subsumes the organization of the previous stage. Cognitive development theories generally purport that developmental change results from encountering cognitive conflict i.e. "a person’s current way of thinking and making sense of experience is challenged by a different and structurally more advanced way of reasoning." (Rodgers, 1980, p.15) This cognitive conflict is the raw material from which developmental change is created. The subjects experienced a wealth of this resource during the course of study. To clearly understand this process of growth from conflict, three concepts must be defined. They are: equilibration, assimilation, and accommodation. Equilibration is a process of finding balance. If one’s reasoning is working with one’s experience, then s/he is in equilibrium. If not, the result is disequilibrium. ' When one encounters cognitive conflict, the human system experiences disequilibrium and immediately searches for balance between one’s current way or stage of thinking and the challenges of the environment. The process is called equilibration. 40 If one’s current way of thinking is inadequate to deal with the challenges of the environment the resulting confusion could lead to an assimilation or accommodation. Assimilation occurs when a person forces the environmental challenge to fit his/her current stage of reasoning. A situation involving Stephanie Rogers serves as an example here. During much of the year, Stephanie did not feel grounded in terms of her schoolwork, career aspirations or relationships. Margo Wilbur, however, appeared to be rather assured of these things even though she was one year younger. The difference provided cognitive conflict for Stephanie. She handled this through assimilation by questioning Margo’s commitments in a manner perceived as demeaning by Margo and at times perhaps even ridiculing them. By devaluing Margo’s accomplishments the amount of cognitive conflict was reduced and became manageable. Accommodation follows after repeated experiences with assimulation. A person accommodates by changing his/her structure to allow for a new way of thinking or making meaning to manage the environmental challenge by reducing the amount of conflict. Continuing with the example above, if Stephanie accepted the accomplishments of Margo but also realized that she herself was unique and on her own schedule and it may not be time for her to be settled in those areas, then Stephanie would be accommodating. And indeed, this seemed to eventually occur. Not only does our current view of cognitive development theories historically have a base in psychological research and discovery the view also has a breadth across disciplines. Ilya Prigogine, a Belgium physical chemist, won the 1977 Nobel Prize in chemistry for a theory that describes transformations, not only in the physical sciences, but also among people. Prigoginc’s theory relates to open systems which he terms dissipative structures (all living things and some non-living things are dissipative). The form 41 or structure of a dissipative structure is maintained by a continuous dissipation (consumption) of energy. Much as water moves through a whirlpool and creates the whirlpool at the same time, energy moves through and simultaneously forms the dissipative structure(Ferguson, 1980). Certainly the theory involves complex mathematical and conceptual development, however simply stated, the theory suggests that a system of continuous movement of energy results in fluctuations (stress). If these are minor, there is no change in the structural integrity of the system i.e., one might say the fluctuations are assimilated by the system. If the fluctuations reach critical size, they ”perturb” the system and force the system itself to change or accommodate. The elements of the old pattern come into contact with each other in new ways and make new connections. The parts reorganize into a new whole. The system escapes into a higher order. In this theory of dissipative structure lies the essence of the cognitive development experience-- (1) a stable life structure exists, (2) some type of new fluctuations of critical importance are introduced -- interpersonal conflicts, performance expectations and accumulation of assimilated experiences, (3) the system is thrown into a disequilibrium until the individual discovers new and different relationships and connections among aspects of his/her life, and (4) the new life structure of a higher order forms from the new connections and then stabilizes. The process of environmental challenge, aiding a person in pushing back the walls of his/her structure to accommodate a larger frame for reasoning and understanding and greater complexity generally, is positive. Too much challenge or disequilibrium however, can become overwhelming, resulting in fixation at a stage rather than progression to the next stage. Although often the process of cognitive dissonance leads to growth, this may not always be the case. Deterioration or stagnation are also possibilities. 42 To summarize, the raw material of developmental change is cognitive conflict which means that the person’s stage of reasoning is in conflict with the demands of the environment. The person will initially try to diminish the impact of the conflict through a process called assimilation which requires the person to interpret the challenge within the confines of his/her reasoning maturity. After repeated assimilation experiences, the individual accumulates enough feedback and experience to evolve in his/her view of the challenge---this process is called accommodation. Review of Psychosocial Theories Psychosocial theories examine the "what" or content of development. This includes the various personal preoccupations of the life cycle. According to adult development researchers Erikson, Gould, Sheehy, Levinson, et.al a common preoccupation of adults in their twenties (the age range for subjects of this study) includes establishment of love relationships and a career commitment. The base concepts of psychosocial theories which help in examining these preoccupations include: stage, developmental crisis, and developmental tasks. A stage refers to "an interval of time during which a person faces and resolves, either adequately or inadequately, a developmental crisis and its developmental tasks.” (Rodgers, 1980, p. 36) A stage, often correlated with chronological age, starts when an internal psychological and/or physiological change results in an internal crisis and the internal crisis collides with an external environmental demand. The collision results in a developmental crisis. One progresses from one stage to another by accomplishing a number of developmental tasks (Havighurst, 1972) or vectors (Chickcring, 1969), or b successfully resolving crises (Erikson, 1963) 43 Many psychosocial theories are based on the work of Erik Erikson who suggests that an individual develops through a sequence of stages that define the life cycle. The individual faces primary developmental crises at each stage. Erikson (1950) conceptualizes these crises as polar opposites. For example the developmental crises of the early twenties is "identity vs. role confusion" and later in the twenties it’s "intimacy vs. isolation." Resolution of the polar crises involves developmental tasks which must be dealt with in some manner. The nature of the task depends upon the polar issue of the stage. For instance the crises of ”intimacy vs. isolation” as experienced by each of the subjects of this study to some degree, required the subjects to resolve the issues of intimacy i.e. values, independence and interdependency, role of conflict, and others. These tasks according to Erikson (1950) may be resolved adequately or inadequately. Adequate resolution would lead subjects to a sense of identity and capacity for intimacy. Inadequate resolution could lead to difficulty in future issues. As with cognitive development theories, psychosocial theories also are concerned with the role of dissonance and the challenge/support balance. Developmental change, according to Sanford (1963, p. 11, 13) involves a period of disequilibrium, anxiety, and dissonance out of which a new stage is developed. Rodgers (1980, p.18)however, states that if there is too much challenge, then persons tend to: 1. regress to earlier, less adaptive modes of behavior 2. polarize and harden current modes of behavior; or I” escape the challenge; 4. ignore it if escape is impossible. 44 The goal is to find an optimal range of dissonance that provides enough challenge but not too much. Sanford (1963) suggests that change is best facilitated through two processes: challenge and support. The subjects this study provided both of these elements for each other which resulted in clearly observable developmental growth. Review of Adult Development Theories Erik Erikson popularized the notion of adult development. His theory of full life cycle development as proposed in Childhood and Society (1950) is actually an extension of Freud’s theory. A crucial point of distinction however, is that Freud believed the personality was set during childhood and was only acted out and refined during adulthood, whereas, Erikson believed that personality development occurs throughout the life span. Erikson’s eight life stages include trust vs. mistrust; autonomy vs. shame, doubt; industry vs.inferiority; identity vs. role confusion; intimacy vs. isolation; generativity vs. stagnation, and integrity vs. despair. The two stages that cover the age span of these subjects in their twenties are the issues of identity vs. role confusion and intimacy vs. isolation. Erikson believes that personality development unfolds according to an epigenetic principle. The epigenetic principle states that, "anything that grows has a ground plan, and that out of this ground plan the parts arise, each part having its time of special ascendancy, until all parts have arisen to form a functioning whole.” (Erikson, 1968, p.92) The epigenetic principle operates like an internal clock; when it is time for a successive stage of development to occur, it automatically comes into awareness much like the physiological changes of humans emerge in a timely manner. Unlike cognitive development changes which must be stimulated by a cognitive conflict, developmental changes guided by the epigenetic principle emerge automatically. 45 Other characteristics of Erikson’s theory have been reviewed in the general psychosocial theory review. Although Erikson’s work provides a broad foundation for the study of adult development, a very important longitudinal study of adaptation to change began in 1937. The study originated with William Grant and the idea to "make a systematic inquiry into the kinds of people who are well and do well."(Vaillant, 1977, p.3) For thirty-five years a group of 95 men who were Harvard students at the start of the study were assessed on a number of aspects of adaptation to life including life-span maturation, adaptive styles, and external adjustment. Not surprisingly the study concluded that psychopathology is always with us and soundness is a way of reacting to problems, not an absence of them. In Adaptation to Life (1977)Vaillant points out the adaptive defense mechanisms used by the men in the study. He then classified these into a hierarchy of adaptivcness which included psychotic mechanisms, immature mechanisms, neurotic mechanisms, and healthy mechanisms. He suggests the necessity for a longitudinal study of this nature to study adult development "human development continues throughout adult life, and thus, truth about lives remains relative and can only be discovered longitudinally. Retrospect explanations are filled with distortion; and adequate explanatory truth about an event may not emerge for decades." (Vaillant, 1977, p.29) In general the framework of Erikson’s stages was confirmed by the Vaillant study and also that unfavorable resolutions of developmental crises in one stage could effect adjustment in future stages. Levinson (1978) and colleagues studied the development of men across cultural and socio-economic status using primarily biographical interviews. A key contribution that Levinson makes concerns the concept of life structure which is a "basic pattern of design of a person’s life at a given time." (1978, p. 41) The pattern takes shape through a configuration of components such as career, love 46 relationships, marriage and family, relationships with self, and roles in a social context. Basically the structure includes aspects of the self and of the world and relationships between the two in contrast to Erikson’s work which focuses only on the inner world of the individual. According to Levinson, the adult years (17 to 70+) are made up of alternating transitional periods which last 4 to 5 years, and stable periods which last 5 to 10 years. During transitional periods,life structures are questioned and explored and shaken loose. Stable periods provide time to affirm and enjoy the life structure and pursue goals within it. The first stable life structure described by Levinson is called ”Entering the Adult World" and extends from about 22 to 24 through 28 to 30 and consists of two antithetical tasks for the individual: (a) He needs to explore the possibilities for adult living: to keep his options open, avoid strong commitments and maximize the alternatives. The task is reflected in a sense of adventure and wonderment, a wish to seek out all the treasures of the new world he is entering. (b) The contrasting task is to create a stable life structure: become more responsible and "make something of my life." Each task has sources and supports in the external world and in the self. (Levinson, 1978, pp. 57-58) These tasks were certainly evident among the four subjects of this study. Gould (1972) broadened the sample of adults studied by conducting an investigation of 524 subjects that included women as well as men; who were all white, middle class people. Gould gathered data by using a forced-choice 47 questionnaire covering relationships, feelings about self, and values. This empirical study added support to the psychosocial theories of development which suggest that adults experience periods of development that may be differentiated from each other by the issues and tasks. In Transformations (1978), Gould delves into the source of our adult issues by purporting that adult development is the process of doing battle with the childhood consciousness within us which allows the adult consciousness to evolve. According the Gould, the basic premise of the book is: By striving for a fuller, more independent adult consciousness, we trigger the angry demons of childhood consciousness. Growing and reformulating our self-definition becomes a dangerous act. It is the act of transformation. Adult consciousness progresses when one can master childhood fears and modulate the childhood anger that is released by change. Three of the four subjects of this study reported an unusual number of flashbacks to their youth. Sometimes the flashbacks came in waking consciousness and other times in dreams. The transition required that limiting beliefs learned in childhood needed to be confronted and released to open the path for adult development. Gould (1978) describes the assumptions that protect the childhood consciousness and suggests steps to take to overcome them. Much of the research on transition has been done with men although, it has been suggested (Sheehy, Vaillant, Goodman, Gould) that the transition experiences may differ for women and men. In Pathfinders (1981, pp. 81-81) Sheehy delves into why some people manage transitions effectively while others do not. She states the critical difference for women as this: Women of high well-being usually have confronted a difficulty, rocked the boat, picked themselves up, and taken the painful steps necessary to free themselves from what they finally perceived as a trap, self-made or imposed. The common denominator among the least 48 happy women (in the Sheehy study) was that one way or another they all felt trapped. Sheehy further noted that women in her study tended to "happy face" their very difficult issues. That is, they would minimize the problem or completely keep it inside -- they "cosmetize" the deficiencies in their existence. The system of our life structure contains both internal and external aspects. In Passages (1974, p. 25), Sheehy suggests that the external system is composed of "our memberships in the culture: our job, social class, family, social roles, and how we present ourselves and participate in the world. The internal realm concerns the meanings this participation has for each of us." Sheehy suggests that it is this internal world which reflects the richness of the transition. Here is where the opportunity for growth resides--the deeper meaning. It is the core that individuals may try to protect. In Turning Points (1970) based on interviews with 150 people, Goodman states that all people seek to conserve "the meaning" of their lives. This is basic and so crucial in understanding why one person changes and another doesn’t, why one person may accept one change and not another. The most difficult changes, Goodman contends, are obviously those which seem to be inundated with loss. We find change the hardest when it threatens what we think of as meaning in our lives. Change brings loss of the known and threatens a sense of the continuous selfhood. A deep conservative impulse runs through all living creatures which results in a great drive to defend the continuity that enables them to see their lives as predictable and meaningful (Marris,l975). We assimilate new experiences by placing them in context of our familiar structure of reality. Often pe0ple may continue behaviors that are self defeating because the know how to make sense of these activities or thoughts in their structure of reality. When this security is sufficiently perturbed by "non-fits" because of emerging 49 environmental demands, the life structure begins to deteriorate from ineffectiveness until it is destroyed in its present form. Then slowly a new life structure forms to ground the emergent reality. The transition process of development is complete...until one grows a little older and a new set of issues become the agenda. Summary In summary, the psychosocial theories point to the issues and preoccupations that one challenges in adult development i.e. the "what” and cognitive development theories provide the blueprint for the process of the battle i.e. the "how". Review of these theories provides a lens for deeper, more thoughtful examination of the developmental lives of the subjects of this study. CHAPTER 4 PRESENTATION OF FINDINGS Introduction Heidi Jones, Stephanie Rogers, Margo Wilbur, and Lance Johnson (fictitious names) were the four subjects for this study of adult development. All four lived at the Zenith Center for Personal Development throughout the length of the study, (September 1983 - August, 1984) except Margo who moved from the Center in March, but continued to be involved as a member of the Zenith Board of Directors. This chapter begins with a profile description of each subject and then describes the experience of each subject in response to the research questions: From the primary perspective of the subject -- 1. What are the issues of personal change and conflict that emerged during the year of study? 2. How did the subject approach the adaptation process to emergent issues? 3. What are the evidences of personal change for the subject that led to an overall sense of growth or deterioration over the course of the year? These research questions assume that the subject did in fact have issues emerge, did adapt in some manner to the emergent issues and did change in some observable way. I refer the reader to one of my research assumptions as stated in Chapter 1 (p. 13), "The adult personality is viewed as always, in its essence, developing. This development might be marked by periods of disruption or periods 50 51 of relative calm and stabilization.” The point of this study has not been to decide if development occurs in a person’s life in a period of a year. Common sense as well as the growing body of literature on adult development clearly tells us that change and growth do occur throughout a life time. The real questions are what does a one year slice of these changes look like, and how do they happen. My findings on these questions are presented here. Profiles of Subjects The charts on the following pages give descriptive information for each subject, as well as, identify the primary issues which will be developed in this chapter. This synopsis will briefly introduce the reader to each subject and set the scene for each unfolding case story. Subject: Age: School Status: Work status: Volunteer Work: Personal activities, interests, hobbies Important relationships: Primary Issues: Adaptation Strategies: The Changes: 52 Heidi Jones 21 Major: English Education,Junior Financed partially independent and some financial assistance from parents Full-time and part-time, combination of jobs-clerk at bookstore, mending clothes, caring for an elder woman. Nature Center, tutoring reading, writing, sewing, drawing/painting New friends, Linda (best friend), Dane (boyfriend) folk at the bookstore (where she works), friends and support system at the Zenith Center, Margo. (1) to manage self vs. to be controlled/taken care of by others (especially parents) (2) to form honest relationships vs.to remain private and superficial (3) to initiate a career commitment vs. to prolong the irresponsibility of youth (1) to develop support (2) to confront self and others (3) to take action (1) exhibited greater sense ofself responsibility, organization, and priority setting (2) many honest sharing experiences and trust building with significant others (3) developed strong career commitment Figure 2: PROFILE OF HEIDI JONES Subject: Age: School Status: Work Status: Volunteer Work: Personal activities, interests, hobbies Important relationships: Primary Issues: Adaptation Strategies: The Changes: 53 Margo Wilbur 22 Major: Social Work, Part-time, Senior, took classes fall and spring, not winter Financed- Self Full-time social work program administrator Big Sisters, Zenith Center, 4-H Challenge hiking, camping, canoeing, working with kids, gardening, listening to music mother, grandmother, boyfriend, counselor (1) to confront vs. withdraw (2) to feel responsible for others vs. to view others as responsible for themselves (3) to grow and change vs. to remain constant (1) to develop a support system (2) to deepen spiritual faith h for use as a resource (3) to take action risks to confront fears (I) began assertively confronting others (2) freely reasoned that she was not responsible for others, still some problems behaviorally Figure 3: PROFILE OF MARGO WILBUR Subject: Age: School Status: Work Status: Volunteer Work: Personal Activities, Interests, Hobbies Important Relationships: Primary Issue: Adaptation Strategies: The Changes: 54 Stephanie Rogers 23 Major: History major, senior status Financed: Family None 2 hours during Welcome Week for History Department Eating out, talking, partying, poetry Lance, Heidi, Margo, Rhonda (the researcher), Cindy (lover for awhile), Katherina (new housemate in the Spring), Eleanor (instructor) and Eleanor’s students, father and brother, her cats, Liz (a neuro linguistic trainer),Martha (an instructor), Kevin and Laura (gay/lesbian friends) to develop intimacy vs. to remain separate ( 1) to withdraw from the overwhelming dissonance (2) to explore confusions with others (3) to test out new actions (1) actively confronted issue (2) experienced much confusion and some anger (3) began to clarify aspects of her confusion (4) first "became conscious" of who she might want to be Figure 4: PROFILE OF STEPHANIE ROGERS Subject: Age: School Status : Work Status: Volunteer Work: Personal Activities, Interests, Hobbies Important Relationships: Primary Issue(s): Adaptation Strategies: The Changes: 55 Lance Johnson 28 Major: Telecommunications Major, junior status, Not registered fall or winter terms, returned spring term, commitment waivering Financed: Living expenses self-financed, Parental financial support for tuition Part-time sales clerk for furniture store, Part- time data collector/compiler for research firm None Gay/Lesbian Council, volleyball,reading (particularly relationships between philosophy and science) Stephanie Rogers (housemate), Social contacts through Gay/Lesbian Council To consider possibilities for personal change vs. to preserve the current identity (1) To choose an environment conducive to growth (2) To form relationships that provide support and modeling (3) To engage in exploratory activities Primarily greater awareness of possibilities for growth, some behavioral change i.e. sharing, feeling, trying new activities Figure 5: PROFILE OF LANCE JOHNSON MARGO WILBUR Profile Summary Margo was twenty-two years old during most of the study. She was a part-time student working on a BA. degree in Social Work and she was also financing her own education. In her position as a social work program administrator, she counseled handicappers who were developing work skills through training at a rehabilitation work center. Margo enjoyed the out-of-doors and her relationship with nature. She held her spirituality and spiritual practices close to her everyday activities. After six months of participating in the study and living at the Zenith Center, Margo decided to move out to live by herself. Even though she no longer lived at the Center, she continued to interact with the other subjects and be an active part of the study. ISSUES OF CONFLICT AND PERSONAL CHANGE Margo spent much of her year on a battlefield. She faced the challenges of her year with a sense of adventure, faith, fear, action, and a commitment to continue ever forward. In a person’s life, issues find a way of presenting themselves in a variety of forms and levels of intensity. In this case study, I chose to develop the three issues which seemed most prevalent and difficult as key issues for Margo Wilbur during the period of study. The pervasive and gestalt nature of these issues makes it difficult to isolate them from one another, but careful examination requires an opportunity to distinguish chaff from grain so that the most useful data becomes clearer. During the period of study, Margo dealt with the following key issues: (1) to confront vs. to withdraw, (2) to feel responsible for others vs. to view others as responsible for themselves and (3) to grow and change vs. to remain constant. 56 57 The Issues - Margo Wilbur Issue #1: To Confront vs. to Withdraw Of the areas of concern to Margo, confrontation seemed to be the source of deepest wounding and therefore not surprisingly, the source of greatest healing. Her self-reported history of dealing with confrontation by others was to withdraw and to be practically immobilized from action or to confront them in a way that felt inadequate. In fact, this issue prevailed at Margo’s entre’ connection with the Zenith Center. When Margo heard of a room open at the Zenith Center she wrote a letter to the Board to apply for the position. Anticipating rejection, she ripped it up and wrote another and another and another, finally sending the letter. Avoidance and sidestepping seemed to mark Margo’s experience during the first few months of the study. Although this issue emerged in many of Margo’s relationships, by far her relationship with her mother was the most volcanic. My first glimpse of this was in early September. She was one of eight pe0ple who participated in a meeting at the Center to plan a workshop. Her mother, a talkative, out-going person, was also one of the eight. About mid-way into the meeting Margo contributed a suggestion. Her mother overly, almost extravagantly, showed support and agreement with the statement. A few moments later, Margo began again. This time Mom interrupted her, completed her own statement and then asked Margo what she had said. Margo crossed her arms, moved her legs closer together and didn’t reply. With that body language I was surprised not to see anger displayed on her face. Mostly Margo appeared withdrawn -- staring into space - a distant, far away glance. Later I was to discover the deep rooted patterns of exchange between Margo and her mother. Margo perceives her mother as forceful through her anger and 58 strength of commitment to her own views and through a desperate type of assured manipulation. Margo often falls victim to the manipulation in a knowing way, and yet, Margo always seem surprised in the end when she’s let it happen again. Throughout fall term, Margo reported incidences of violent verbal conflict with her mother. Margo would try to defend herself but would find herself overwhelmed by what she perceived as her mother’s irrationality and would often stumble over her own words. The relationship remained a source of much despair throughout the fall. Margo emerged from this turmoil and did much growing in this area of confrontation. These changes will be noted more specifically in the third part of this case study on "The Changes." The confrontation vs. withdrawal issue also surfaced in a significant way with the other residents of the Zenith Center. In fact, confrontation was a key issue for each subject although their specific portrayals of the issue differed quite a bit. The issue emerged more dramatically for each subject because of Stephanie’s personality and role in the group dynamics. Stephanie had a certain childlike charm about her, but also had a great passion for serious and almost ruthless debate. Actually she engaged in more of an attack posture than back and forth debate. She challenged people on their stands on issues, personal choices, and belief systems, but less frequently shared her own view. Whether Stephanie consciously chose to attack or just had an aggressive style of innocent inquisitiveness, Margo perceived attack in many interactions with Stephanie. When Stephanie would begin her questioning with Margo, I noticed that Margo seemed irritated with some of the questions and began to take a defensive posture, but nonetheless continued to answer questions. Margo did not seem to like the process but had never said anything about her feelings to Stephanie in my presence or to me in our private conversations. Her role in these situations seemed to be passive and at times, she even appeared to be frightened. 59 An interesting discussion took place at a house meeting on October 17, 1983 that clarifies some of Margo’s feelings about the issue of confrontation as well as a tentative commitment to her development in this area. The discussion arrived at a point where the residents were talking about what they would like to do to help the Zenith Center experience to be positive and growthful for them. Stephanie said,"I think we need to learn to argue better. It’s an important skill...to present a rational defense of your positions.” There was a long period of silence following this statement and some apparent discomfort. Lance told a story that reflected negatively on a friend ”who needed everything to be so rational and to argue everything so minutely that he couldn’t see it for what it was." Silence again. Stephanie was looking down, folding a piece of paper into smaller and smaller pieces as a dialogue began. Margo: You mean you need support on this. Stephanie: Yes, I do. Margo: Well arguing is something I don’t like and don’t do well but I agree with you, it is an important skill...one that I could improve...l suppose it’s very important to you and I want to support you on that. Although the reader can not hear the voice tone and volume, Margo made strong, clear, focused statements to offer support to Stephanie. Margo’s own issue with arguing seemed inconsequential at this time; or at it’s strongest, perhaps Margo recognized it but not as a personal priority for the effort of change. She saw it primarily as Stephanie’s issue. By Winter, however, this issue was frothy in all arenas for Margo. Margo’s initial issues with daily confrontation in the world at work seemed tied closely to her self-esteem or more appropriately termed at the beginning of the study, her diminished sense of self-esteem. She attributed this to the fact that all her relationships "are in change right now and I resist this 60 because I don’t know if I want them to." She spoke of the uncertainty of her relationships with her boyfriend Brad, her mom, and friends. She continued, "I feel like I’m not doing good at work. I feel so unbalanced right now." She told me how her Director yelled at her at work for bringing in Tarot (fortune telling) cards. She thought he was threatened. When he yelled at her, she froze and could not say anything back to defend her rights and her position, ”I just assumed he was right or at least more powerful so it didn’t matter. It’s a confusing time. I know it’s necessary to go through this but I’m so impatient...so impatient.” In the later part of her statements here, the reader can see that she realizes that she is in a forward moving process, but she will "go through this” and it is a matter of time. This sense of hope and faith is an adaptation strategy frequently and successfully relied upon by Margo. Issue #2: To Feel Responsible for Others vs. to View Others as Responsible for Themselves Margo had been perceived as "the strong one"...the rock in her family during the period when she was growing up and living at home. There had been some strong emotional/psychological problems among members of her family and she was viewed primarily by her mother and her brother as infinitely strong and stable. Over time she did often fulfill this perception and need. During this year of study, however, Margo began to feel that the weight of this attitude and role on her part was not in her. best interest. She made quite decisive progress on her exploration of this issue and on behavioral change during the course of the year. My first clue on the importance of this issue occurred shortly after Margo moved into the house. She shared with me that she had moved out of a house with her boyfriend, Brad, in order to move into the Zenith Center and now that she was here, she was no longer "wanting to be as close" to him. She felt that she 61 had something to do for herself now. She said that Brad had gotten very quiet about this and she knew that it hurt him a lot and that she was, "taking responsibility for his feelings but, really I’m not responsible for him. He’s creating his own reaction.” These last few statements came off sounding a bit distant to me. It didn’t seem that she was sharing some naturally occurring thought but rather that she was emotionlessly sharing an intellectual understanding that she had derived. She was trying to convince herself. However, she did act and it was this important first step made with Brad that likely helped her in a major relationship snaretrap- - her relationship with her mother. In January, Margo told me that she might need to move out to a less expensive place because she couldn’t afford the rent at the Zenith Center. Margo had loaned her mother $1,000 to be paid back in January so that she could go to school, but her mother didn’t make the repayment. She shared that her mom hooks her into doing things by "laying trips on me about complete trust." She continued, "I didn’t want to loan her the money, but she trapped me with the spiritual trip. I should have trusted my own intuition. The situation affirmed that for me. I know I made a good decision last year to say no when Mom wanted me to sign on a $30,000 mortgage.” That evening she stated there had been many other times that her mother overwhelmed her with needs. ”I just can’t be there all the time giving her support. She demands too much. But, I’m much stronger about knowing my limits than I used to be.” She said that the roles seem reversed and that she plays the mother and her mother plays the child. She thought that her younger brother even saw her as the mother of the family. "I got a Christmas card from my brother, he said something about always being there when he needed me. I felt like a mother to him, too." 62 These passages reflect both the desperation and entrapment she feels about these issues as well as a vision of a new self that is free of these past roles and patterns of responsibility for the needs of others. The reader may note that in hindsight Margo had learned something from the situation. She stated that, "I should have trusted my own intuition. The situation affirmed that for me.” She also was able to note her internal progress on this with her statement, "I’m much stronger about knowing my limits than I used to be." Unlike the confrontation issue which may have had some background progress, but was basically hitting her cold at the start of the study, her issue on whether to take responsibility for others was observed in progress. Her move into the Zenith Center was a bold "public" action that indicated she was changing. Of course, she had not completely arrived at a new identity. Throughout the year Margo waivered on this issue to the pace of two steps forward, one back. About three weeks after Margo told me that she was getting stronger about knowing her limits, she had a chance to test it out. In this case, Margo was the most emotionally upset that I had ever seen her. I asked her if she wanted to talk. She said, "yes, but first just hold me for a moment," and then she shared this story. My mom is demanding more time from me and more support from me and I just can’t do it. I was helping her move some stuff from her apartment. I didn’t really want to, but I felt sorry for her and thought I should help, but I told her I could only give her a few hours. She started yelling at me about the problems that I supposedly caused between her and her former boyfriend. I’ve talked with him, but any problems were her own doing,not mine. Finally I decided to leave because it wasn’t my problem. I told her that "I don’t want to talk with you while you are yelling." Margo knew that it was time to cut off communication with her mother again because it was too draining. Margo believed that her mother needed therapeutic help and it was more responsibility than she could handle. Margo went 63 on to explore her feelings about how much of her energy gets knotted up in trying to take care of her mother and how it prohibits her from putting her energy into more productive and reinforcing ventures. She came back a few weeks later to note that once she decided what to do about this situation she had much more personal energy. In terms of living at the Zenith Center, the responsibility issue emerged as one major factor contributing to Margo’s decision to move from the Center. At the very first house meeting, Margo reported that all the residents "are excited to take responsibility and keep the place nice.” They split up weekly chores. Margo proceeded to take care of her household responsibilities each week but not all of the other three did, at least not completely. Margo started doing some of their chores for them without saying anything to her housemates. This of course overlaps with the issue of confrontation vs. withdrawal. She made some minor attempts to confront the situation but the main result was that she felt very disappointed. She eventually stopped doing other people’s assigned responsibilities, but they did not pick up the slack. On this aspect she felt very incongruous with her housemates and she felt like ”running from the situation." The boundaries of this issue seemed confusing to Margo. She was noticeably very responsible in assuming and following through on those responsibilities that were inherently hers and that she chose. In that aspect, feeling a sense of responsibility to see that a job is done right and thoroughly contributes to her level of maturity in the work world. She can be trusted to complete her responsibilities. Margo struggled with the definition and limitations of her responsibility. Was she responsible for nurturing her mother, her boyfriend, her brother? Was it easier to assume responsibility for her housemates rather than confront them? 64 As I pointed out earlier to the reader, these issues are inextricably connected. They can be pulled apart with great effort in order to be examined, but they simply do not exist separately in their natural state. The third issue for Margo to grow and change vs. to remain constant certainly has meaning only in the context of the previously mentioned key issues as well as a multitude of day-to- day smaller issues. Issue #3: To Grow and Change vs. To Remain Constant Margo, by philosophy and practice, was very committed to her growth. There is a strong spiritual overlay to her interpretation of events and the life force within her. From the very beginning of the year and throughout, Margo acknowledged the presence of something that was moving through her-~an energy force of some sort. She thought that the energy was powerful and could be overwhelming as with her mother, but in this case she knew the energy was good. She was anxious to be in this study as a way to perhaps become more aware of what was happening in her life. She said, ”I really want to participate. I’ve been going through a lot lately. There’s something going on and I don’t want to be afraid of it!!" Three times she made reference to not wanting to be turned back. Whatever this is, she’s going to face it. She found it hard to explain, but stumbled into saying it felt like energy or something going through her. She wondered why it was happening to her as though this force was some unapproachable goodness. She questioned her worthiness for this experience. It was important to her to talk with two other members of the Zenith Board and myself about it because, according to Margo, "you understand.” At the beginning of the study Margo found herself in a state of anxious tension between the life she had been living and the vision she had of her future 65 self. Levinson (1978) refers to the period of time in adult development between l7-22 or 24 as the "Early Adult Transition." It links the person from their childhood and adolescence stage (ends at about 17) to the "Entering the Adult World" stage (begins about 22 or so). Levinson suggests that there are two primary tasks that the person must accomplish in this transitional phase between childhood and early adulthood. The first task is to move out of the pre-adult world by questioning the "nature of the world and one’s place in it; to modify or terminate existing relationships with important persons, groups, and institutions; to reappraise and modify the self that formed in it." (p. 56) Levinson further suggests that "various kinds of separation, ending, and transformation must be made as one completes an entire season of life.” It is no wonder that the possibility of growth frightened Margo. Modifying one’s identity is easy to write about, but can be unexplainably frightening at a primal level. This issue came clearly into focus one evening in October when Margo was returning by plane from New York where she had been visiting a young man (not her boyfriend Brad) with whom she had some level of emotional involvement. She arrived home at the Zenith Center at 8:00 pm. and attended a house meeting at 9:00 pm. the same evening. At the beginning of the meeting, people were talking about how positive they were feeling about all the natural support they were experiencing as residents of the Zenith Center. Margo announced, "Well, things aren’t all positive in my life. All my relationships seem as though they are in change right now...and I resist this because I don’t know if I want them to. It leads me to feel self doubts in many areas and fearful of the outcomes.” While she was on the plane she reflected that she was able to "identify all my losses right now.” And not only that, but she could identify "all the changes and things I must still give up and who will I be then?" 66 Margo was at the end of a major transitional period in her life. Everything was in question, so few things seemed secure. The experience can seem like a mini-death. The fear of changing can be so understandable when one realizes that grief, insecurity, anxiety and a multitude of other debilitating states accompany that movement. In Levinson’s model the second task presented to one in an early adult transition is to "make a preliminary step into the adult world; to explore the possibilities, to imagine oneself as a participant in it." As far as the world of work, Margo seemed a little ahead of schedule. She secured a position as a counselor which was in the career field of her choice. Now at age 23, she was going back to complete her academic degree so that she may continue to advance. For Margo the career area was secondary to her real task of becoming a mature adult. Mostly she sought spiritual maturity through her development, and the career was a way to act on that spiritual adulthood. The process was not easy, however, and is filled with dynamic tension from forward force and resistance. Margo didn’t want to be frightened or turned back by her own goals and envisioned identity. She discussed the possibility of taking yoga teacher training as an example. "I want to, but I don’t. So many of the goals I set for myself years ago, I said I wouldn’t reach in 10 years, but they’re here now and that scares me. I’m afraid to reach out for them. I don’t know why." I always had the sense from Margo that no matter how frightened she was, she knew that she wanted to go forward and that her progress was both inevitable and desirable. I also sensed that Margo was very sensitive to being overwhelmed by entities perceived as large energy forces, such as her mother, and that she wanted the energy for her move into her spiritual adulthood to be of the gentle kind. 67 THE ADAPTATION PROCESS: MARGO WILBUR Margo wanted to grow from her experiences. It was quite a conscious commitment on her part. She had a tendency to see her experiences in context of their larger meanings and growth opportunities. To maximize her growth potential through the hazards of personal development, Margo used three main adaptation strategies. They were: (1) developed a support system (feedback system), (2) deepened her spiritual faith for use as a resource, and (3) took action risks to confront issues and fears. The strategies were the transporters of her developmental changes. Strategy #1: Developed a Support System When Margo initiated her contact with the Zenith Center directors, she expressed her interest in living in a community that supported growth and spiritual fulfillment. By the frustrations that developed for her later, it seems that Margo desired to live with like-minded people. My observations suggest that she may have been looking for kindness, gentleness, and unconditional support for herself in order to manage the confusing period of growth in which she was struggling to find safety. Rather than offering reprieve only, the living situation at the Center both comforted and antagonized her growth experience. Although at times the experience must have seemed harsh, it likely took her deeper into her issues before surfacing with resolve. Because the Center’s purpose was to promote personal growth, Margo (and others) on a number of occasions would come home to the house and quickly share some experience that reflected on her growth and the progress she was making or the dilemma she felt. I remember often thinking that this sharing was different from the way housemates not living in a growth center might come home to ”talk 68 about their day." There seemed to be a particular focus on comparing an event today with how it might have been in the past and to highlight the learnings that were occurring. This type of sharing and the generally accepting and reinforcing response from housemates represented the "comforting" component of the support system that was occurring in the living environment. The following vignette exemplifies the point that Margo had an outlet for sharing her steps of progress and that she received comforting support for her sharing. It was September 28th and Margo boldly entered the living room from outside. Stephanie and I had been casually sitting on the floor and talking. Margo walked strongly toward us with a big grin on her face, touched each of us on the knee and smugly announced, "something neat happened to me today.” She went to class and the instructor walked in...her heart sank. She didn’t know it when she registered, but the same instructor that she had felt threatened by two years ago was to be her professor for this class. A dialogue with Stephanie began. Margo: I just wanted to leave. Stephanie: So what did you do? Margo: Well, I stayed and the interaction with him in class was superb. Two years ago he picked on me because I couldn’t provide sufficient rationale for my arguments. He picked me to pieces. Stephanie: How was it different this time, Margo? Margo: He called me on not knowing something tonight, and I easily admitted that and he didn’t pursue it. When I did know something I presented my rationale. I guess we’ve both grown. I feel secure now...He was probably more secure too. Stephanie: Yayllll I’m so proud of you Margo. You must feel really good. Margo: Yeah, thanks Stephanie, I really do. Margo was pleased with her evidence of growth. She leaned back and gently extended her arms to her side. Her full use of space was followed by a 69 gentle smile and a relaxed sigh. Stephanie repeated the related "aaahh" immediately after Margo, perhaps as a sign that she felt the moment with her. This type of interaction, which can be characterized as a sharing of personal growth and receipt of affirming support occurred throughout the year, but most prominently at the beginning. In fact, at a housemeeting on October 17th both Margo and Heidi raved about how "nice and natural" the support felt at the house. As fall term progressed, the type of interaction between housemates was not always unconditionally affirming; rather, a new kind of interaction became the most commanding, particularly between Margo and Stephanie. At a housemeeting in January, the topic of arguing came up in relation to the value and cost of interacting in this manner with pe0ple. Both Lance and Heidi thought it was easier for them to honestly take issue with Stephanie because of her personality and her enjoyment of confrontive discourse. Stephanie thought this was great. However, Margo questioned it. Margo: It’s not good, Stephanie, because there are times when I want to say, "Stephanie, you don’t have the right to challenge me. We’ve gone over my profession and I feel like I’m downgraded as a person.” Stephanie: About what? Margo: About what I’m doing at work. I’m constantly defending why I am in school, why I am in this human profession, and why I am living at the Center. I have to keep coming back to that." Stephanie: Does it matter? Margo: Yeah, it does matter because I live with you and I respect you. I think you have a good point and a valid point and I’ve learned that I have to put my words into concise terms to match my actions." This vignette exemplifies the antagonistic form of support that Margo received, if you would define support as valued assistance. Margo learned some hard lessons from Stephanie and she could acknowledge the learning, but she had 70 distaste for how it happened. Also, even though there was conflict between Margo and Stephanie on this issue of challenge or as Margo referred to it,..."playing a game with me.”, there always seemed to be respect evident between the two. As Margo says above, what Stephanie thinks does matter because, "I live with you and respect you.” Stephanie in turn had stated that the reason she challenged Margo so much was because she respected her and was very interested in what she had to say. The interaction/confrontation style between Margo and Stephanie consumed the majority of the October house meeting. The interaction was a turning point for Margo. Up until this time Margo had not said anything directly to Stephanie about her style of questioning, but during the meeting, Margo was direct and unfaltering in her feedback. She was extremely strong and directed throughout the discussion. Margo later noted this as a turning point because she no longer felt threatened by Stephanie. Margo knew how she felt about Stephanie’s behavior and what was not acceptable. It is likely that this experience contributed to an understanding that Margo developed by the end of the year by which she knew that true support systems require honesty which can mean confrontation. When Margo moved out of the house in March, she felt that Stephanie had been the most supportive of her move and that was very meaningful to her. Strategy #2 Deepened Her Spiritual Faith for Use as a Resource. Margo seemed to use her spiritual base to help her manage her changes and she used the turmoil of her changes to deepen her spiritual faith. It was a cycle. In this sense, her strategy to deepen her spiritual faith became juxtaposed with her issue to grow and change or to remain constant. 71 Spirituality for Margo was what some people might describe as "New Age." It didn’t involve a particular religion or doctrine but rather encompasses all tools and philosophies that are helpful in bringing rich meaning to one’s life and a sense of connection with a "universal energy." In the fall Margo tried to describe to me a type of spiritual force that was seeking a way to move through her. As referred to earlier in this document (pp. 1, 72-73), she said, "there’s something going on...it feels like energy or something trying to go through me...but perhaps I’m not worthy of it...perhaps I’m not ready." Less than a month later Margo found a hook for her spiritual hat...a possible organizing structure. A group of community people and organizations including the Zenith Center sponsored 2-3 week visit by a yogic swami who was also a psychiatrist. Margo went to a number of the workshops including a weekend workshop on Pranic healing which involves the use of one’s energy to balance and heal one’s self or others. Margo expressed her pleasure at finding a possible tool for her energy through yoga. Margo was very drawn to the teachings and once she learned the practices, she continued to use them throughout the year. She also attended other programs given by the swami. As Margo was telling me of her reaction to the swami’s healing workshop, I reminded her of her earlier statement of how she knew there was energy available to move through her and that she didn’t want to be frightened of it. She said, "yes, I use to be frightened of it...now... (pause) I’m only scared." She again stated how she felt so fortunate to be chosen for this energy. About the time of the yoga workshop in October, Margo began reading A Course of Miracles again. It’s a book of readings and daily lessons that gives a spiritual interpretation to the kind of thoughts and daily events that happen in one’s life. The readings focus on tepics such as approval needs, separation, fear and love definitely, and denial. These readings were one additional way that 72 Margo tried to make sense of her life issues through spiritual understanding and to use the understanding to improve her quality of life. She commented that, ”it’s amazing how my readings always fit my situation so exactly." In November, I asked Margo about her life dream. She appeared thoughtful and shared with me her vision of living in the country and teaching children yoga and doing gestalt therapy with them. The dream was not conjured when I asked the question. She was revisiting a vision that had become rather clear in her mind. The country is where she feels most peaceful and spiritual and this is what she would like to share with children. When she eventually accomplishes this her life will feel rich and meaningful. There didn’t seem to be any anxiety about this dream as she shared it, such as needing to do it soon or otherwise she would be disappointed and frustrated. Rather, it seemed to be a thought of something she would prefer and likely do someday. In the meantime, she knew that she has some tedious work to do on herself and that the learnings from her experiences were footholds for the climb. Strategy #3 Took Action Risks to Confront Issues and Fears Margo often felt immobilized by her fears concerning her major issues, but she did battle with them and frequently emerged the victor. When victorious she prompted herself into an action which helped her to stabilize at a new level of behavior to prevent slipping into retreat. Margo clearly had a vision of the more centered, capable, secure person that she could be, and she actively took risks that would bring the vision to reality. The move into the Zenith Center was a very big risk. Margo left the home where she had been living with her boyfriend to move into the Center. She wrote numerous copies of her letter of application to live at the Center before deciding that one was ’okay’ to send and that she could risk the possible rejection. 73 In October, Margo joined the Zenith Board of Directors so that she could be more actively involved. I noticed that she had been quiet at the meetings and when she did speak it was in response to someone else’s idea. At a director’s meeting on November 19th, Margo took her plunge. At the beginning of the meeting the group was asked if they had any additions to the agenda. There was silence and then Margo spoke, ”Promotion", and she went on to explain a bit of what she meant. The group became very excited about her suggestion. When it came time to discuss the promotion item on the agenda, Margo presented a well thought out, creative plan for promoting the Zenith Center...she had arrived. By the comprehensiveness of her suggestion, it was clear that she had thought about this for a long time. She told me later that she had, but she felt threatened or stupid in the meetings because there were people there with advanced degrees and much more experience than her. The point exemplified is that she felt fear but took action rather than succumb to the fear. One of Margo’s taking action behaviors took place with me. This vignette shows how she broke her ”taking action” behavior into two steps. The first was to acknowledge her fear to the party involved, myself in this case, and secondly, to change the behavior involved. She said, I have something to tell you...this is hard. (She got reflective, but seemed centered). I see you as where I want to be in 10 to 15 years and that gets in my way of a relationship with you. I get nervous...don’t say things in group meetings because it may be wrong. I don’t want to look stupid. And I know that I have valuable input... but I’m reserved about saying it. (And then she added a line that capsuled her real effort in this sharing.) But verbalizing this to you will make it easier --it was something I needed to do. I hadn’t perceived prior to her sharing this that she had fears about sharing in my presence, but I did notice that after this exchange I began to see a more outgoing and confident Margo. Two days after this conversation Lance 74 commented to me that, "Margo is really coming out stronger. She’s really putting herself out there.“ I agreed. Later in the same month (January) Margo took a new action with her mother. During a situation where Margo’s mom was upset and yelling, Margo became "real shook up" but clearly knew that she had to leave. She said, ”I don’t want to talk with you while you’re yelling” and she left the apartment. Margo seemed relieved to know, by her own action of leaving, that she had choices. She further chose to not see her mother for a period of time. Margo had mentioned early in the year that she wanted independence from her mother. This was risky action...another painful, growth step. In March, Margo informed me that she was moving out of the Center. I observed that some of her expectations for shared responsibility were not met, but she said the reason was that she needed to live alone. It was something that she discussed in therapy for two months prior to deciding. To live alone and experience her independence was something that Margo wanted to do for quite awhile but never had the courage to do it. She felt that living at the Zenith Center somehow gave her the spirit and courage to actually make the move. She knew that to go any further in her growth she had to be on her own. She had thought about it for months but one day finally picked up a paper, found a listing, saw the apartment and signed the lease the same afternoon. With quick action, there was no time for second thoughts or turning back. In these various examples it is evident that Margo had a view in her mind of who she was to become...a new envisioned identity. It was the task during this period of time to "act as if" the envisioned identity were really the current one and that by "acting as if", perhaps the behavior would soon become natural and background. 75 THE CHANGES: MARGO WILBUR Margo changed a great deal during the year of study. I would characterize her movement as a shifting of her energies from behaviors and attitudes that were "draining" or debilitating to a focus of those energies on the tasks that she needed to complete in order to advance. Although the year was a mixture of withdrawing and plunging forward that may have seemed haphazard, upon more careful examination, it is evident that a selective pattern existed to give order to the withdrawal/confrontation, the contraction/expansion, and the going within/acting in the world definitely. The last section of this case study will characterize those changes over time through the lens of the three issues identified for Margo Wilbur -- (l) to confront vs. withdraw, (2) to feel responsible for others vs. to view others as responsible for themselves, and (3) to grow and change vs. to remain constant. Issue #1: To Confront vs. to Withdraw - The Changes As I described in the review of this issue, Margo began her venture at the Zenith Center with a history of past frustrations and little successful experience in the area of confrontation. Iler pattern of withdrawal or feeble attempts at confronting her mother rutted her view of herself in this area. Stephanie’s approach to bantering in a non-emotional, yet still threatening way, gave Margo an entre’ point into this issue. Margo got frustrated by the challenges and "the game", as she thought of it, that Stephanie played with her and yet, Stephanie had a certain amount of ethics in how she played. She listened to Margo’s responses and tried to make sense of them in her own terms, keeping things at a rational level. 76 At one point in January, Margo confronted Stephanie at a group meeting by clearly and calmly expressing her feelings of frustration and hurt over these interactions, Stephanie shared her reasons for doing this and used her relationship with Lance to exemplify her point. Stephanie: I just want to see where you’re coming from. I want to see how you understand yourself. Margo: But I don’t feel like you try to understand me. You seem to just challenge for the sake of challenge. It’s a game. Stephanie: Lance does that to me and I feel very threatened. Lance: Yeah, I have done that with you. Stephanie: That’s cool. Margo: To be threatened? Stephanie: Well yeah, because I know that Lance isn’t trying to hurt me, he’s trying to see where I’m coming from. Margo and Stephanie continued to interact in a respectful calm manner, but Margo never let go of her claim that it was a game, it was insincere, and she didn’t like it. Margo’s message confirmed that she understood how she felt about this situation; no longer would she participate the game. Margo was clear and concise in this confrontation with Stephanie. Margo declared that once she confronted Stephanie, she did not have to be afraid of being overwhelmed by her again. Her relationship with Stephanie improved and when Margo moved out of the Zenith Center at the end of March, she stated that Stephanie was the most supportive of anyone. 77 Progress on this issue was also made in the work arena. In mid-October, Margo had been criticized by her director for bringing Tarot cards into work. She felt very guilty about the experience and very ineffective in handling the situation. A little over a month later Margo stated that she had been ”feeling cocky lately.” She said, ”My director had criticized me at work for my involvement at the Zenith Center. At first I considered it seriously and then knew that my boss was wrong. I felt cocky because I didn’t need his approval. I knew what’s right for me." At this point Margo was still not exhibiting confrontive behavior, but her internal processing was changing. She no longer felt automatically demeaned by negative feedback but rather it was input for her and she would decide it’s worth. In June at a group wrap-up discussion of the year, Margo shared her retrospective view of her reaction to receiving feedback. She said, "When I get feedback now, I don’t assume that all of it is true. I had a habit of doing that and then I’d get defensive because I’d think...now I have to do all this changing.” This serves as another example showing how Margo’s issue to grow and change vs. to remain constant is related to the issue to confront vs. withdraw. Fall term was a reflective period of attitude change for Margo and when Winter hit, she did confront. The following list of confrontation experiences and descriptions highlight a number of views of her newfound behavior. 78 D=ate Witjh Setting Concerning 1-19 Stephanie Group meeting Game like challenge at Zenith of Margo’s values Center and involvement 1-26 her mother Mother’s apart- Mother yelling at ment Margo 3-15 Heidi Zenith Center Heidi not following through on commitments to Margo 4-25 Dan Zenith Board Her perception of Zenith Meeting his conflicting Board statements Member 5-15 Heidi in car Sharing of differing ideas on topic of dependenc Figure 6: Margo’s Confrontation Experiences As previously described, (p. 85-86) the interaction with Stephanie at a group meeting was a turning point where Margo firmly shared her negative feelings about the styles of challenge. Margo felt empowered to know that she could actually stop a pressure situation that she didn’t want if she was clear and firm. With this sweet victory under her belt, Margo next confronted the giant character in her issue up her mother. This situation, also described earlier (p. 83), showed the basic result when Margo began to set limits with her mother -- "I don’t want to talk with you while your yelling," and she left. These two events occurred in January. Two months later in March, Margo confronted Heidi on some unmet expectations that she held. Both Heidi and Margo described it as a big blow up and basically agree on the elements of the disagreement. Margo told Heidi that she "expected some time from Heidi if they were to be friends." She said that Heidi 79 could count on her to meet her at agreed times and to be around for her but that Margo couldn’t count on Heidi to contribute significant time to the relationship. Heidi felt that Margo’s expectations were too high and Margo disagreed with this. Shortly after this, not necessarily causally, Margo decided definately to move out of the Center. Another major breakthrough occurred for Margo on April 25th at a Zenith Center Board Meeting. Early in the study, Margo had mentioned how she felt threatened by the members of the Board because they each had degrees and so much experience. Around late November, but primarily in January, Margo began offering her ideas to the group. She began at times to offer differing opinions but never entered into real debate or conflict with someone until the meeting on April 25th. Dan made a statement and Marge disagreed with it. Dan suggested that she must have misunderstood him. Margo didn’t flinch at all; she continued to look him square in the eye and said "Well, I hear you saying two different things Dan.” She then clarified the two conflicting statements that she heard. She was direct and confident. It seemed as though a new behavior had arrived and was a nice fit. The final exemplary scene occurred in May. Heidi and Margo had gone to a Dan Fogelberg concert together and in the car on the way home engaged in conversation on the topic of dependency in relationships. Heidi shared this story with me as a sign of a positive change that she had seen in Margo. Heidi began talking about an issue she was feeling about her dependency on Dane, her boyfriend. She noticed how Margo began coming back with her own ideas about how things were different in her life. Heidi felt that in the past, Margo may have had a tendency to have agreed or at least may have just listened without offering any opposing views because it would have been easier. It wasn’t an argument, but rather a sharing of different views. Heidi sensed that "Margo knew that that is how it existed in her life so she said it." Margo had listened to Heidi relating this 80 story to me and when she was through, Margo smiled and said, "My confidence is built up. My confidence was low when I came in." Issue 2: To Feel Responsible for Others vs. to View Others as Responsible for Themselves - The Changes Unlike Issue #1 where Margo forged her energy into confrontation in order to advance through the conflict, for this issue, Margo withdrew her energy from what seemed to be a dead end assumption. Margo began the year feeling responsible for her mother’s needs, her boyfriend’s feelings, and for the duties that members of the house should have performed but sometimes didn’t. I heard an unspoken expectation coming from her, -- "They should be responsible for themselves, but they’re not, so I will have to do it for them.” This expectation may have come from the great human compassion that Margo exudes and her commitment to the well-being of others. At the beginning of the year, Margo rather silently took responsibility for others but felt quite disturbed and angry about it. Finally something had to give. Margo stopped doing the undone chores of others but they didn’t seem to notice or at least didn’t begin doing them. Margo then tried to use her new-found confrontation skills to inform others that "they should act responsibly." Finally, in February Margo seemed bothered at a house meeting. She brought up the idea that peOple weren’t doing their chores and they were leaving messes around the house. There was a lot of discussion about Margo’s concern but the comments were mostly defensive or at least non-supportive. Each resident gave his/her own view about why the situation was the way it was and why it would be difficult to change. Margo seemed very disturbed about the discussion and some of the half-hearted attempts to ”maybe" work on the situation. After the meeting Margo told me that 81 she felt like giving up and moving out because she didn’t see what else she could do. Within two months she moved out. This clarifies the progress that Margo has made on the issue of taking responsibility. She has moved from feeling and acting responsible for the needs and the responsibilities of others to a decision and behavior that she is not responsible for taking care of others. Her withdrawal from her relationship with her mother portrayed in the numerous examples elsewhere in this chapter (pp. 64,69,70,83) is another reference point for her growth in this issue. I believe, however, that she is midway in the cycle of this issue. She accepts that she is not responsible for them but does expect that they should be responsible for themselves in ways that are familiar and acceptable to her. She tried to change the behavior of those she lived with to match her expectations and seemed to believe that her view of responsibility was right for others. Since her expectations weren’t met and there was no forseeable change of attitude among her housemates, the solution for her was to withdraw from the value conflict. Even though she progressed through the first part of the issue "I am not responsible for others," it does not seem that she reached any peaceful resolve on a retained assumption which is "and they should be responsible in ways that I value." This may be another issue for another time, perhaps a different life stage. Margo did not‘chose to battle on this front, her forces and focus were elsewhere. Issue #3: To Grow vs. to Remain Constant: The Changes In the early fall Margo felt quite fearful of the growth that she knew was ahead of her. She knew that it involved losses and changes in her relationships "and I don’t know if I want that." As fall continued she said that "I’m no longer 82 terrified...just scared," of the energy forces of growth. Despite fears she continued to take actions that progressed her into the unknown. She made some progress with her mother by setting limits and giving herself some distance from her. She characterized this process at the end of the year by saying, ”I don’t feel as fogged up and confused. I still want to be more independent of mom. I’m getting there, but I’m not there yet." She made an additional step, though, by more publicity asserting herself. She said, ”I told my mom that I don’t want to be part of her life right now, that I wanted some time. I stood up to her in front of public view and that was very important. I felt bad, but I didn’t need to call her to make-up I didn’t need to be in her good graces.” She said that she felt peaceful about it but, "I don’t know if I’ll ever be independent of mom completely; but, I am stronger." Margo seemed to need to find out who she was, independent of all her relationships. She moved away from her home with her boyfriend and into the Zenith Center at the beginning of the study because, as she stated, "I had to do something for myself right then.” She moved away from her dynamic relationship with her mother and she moved into the Zenith Center that was rich in relationship stimulus, but finally had to move out. She had been "feeling a need for real privacy -- a need to be alone. If it hadn’t been for the Zenith experience, I probably wouldn’t have had the courage to move out on my own.” She indeed did have something to ”do on her own" right now. And she spent the year in the business of doing it. In June, Margo summarized her year for me. She said, This was really a growing period for me. I got clear on my support system. I realize that I didn’t have to be defensive about receiving feedback and that it was okay to confront people. I’m more assertive, more confident right now, at work and in friendships. I used to bend over backwards. Now I’m Me! And I’m being real clear with that. Because of my new honesty of self, I’ve developed a real solid support system...more 83 than I would have if I hadn’t confronted people and been open to feedback. It seems that Margo considers the growth pains quite worth it. She became "more herself" during the year. An event that spirited much growth, according to Margo, happened on the day in March when she moved out of the Zenith Center. She and Lance stood in the doorway and he gave her what she considered key feedback. He told her that when she does confront she puts on this aloof adult mask that appears defensive and separates her from the other person. She didn’t realize that she came across that way. He also told her that she did not speak as though she had confidence in what she felt. According to Margo, "I’ve really been working on that the last couple of months.” She now seems to have prepared herself for the experience of confrontation and is more conscious of her role and wanting to be open. She said that "I can tell when conflict is about to start. I step back and listen and realize that I don’t have to agree with what’s being said. I no longer go into an automatic defensive posture." She still has trouble disagreeing with people that she’s very close to but, "that’s coming." It seems that one reason that Margo resisted becoming more confrontive was tied to the fact that she felt hurt and became defensive when someone confronted her. As she became more confident and could handle feedback she seemed to feel more inclined toward confronting others. Her fear of growing was based on her uncertainty of changing relationships and losses. Although some losses were evident, Margo seemed quite pleased with her gains and with the deepening of her relationships because of honesty. By the end of the study, she felt that she was "establishing strong roots" with people,. She continued the metaphor by saying that she was "planting a garden now and I’m real aware of the space the roots will take up under the garden." She became more 84 selective by investing in those relationships that will give back what she needs. She is also beginning to examine her life and career goals now that her relationships seem sorted and stabilized. One wonders if she is soon to embark on another adventure of losses, gains and fears stemming from the issue of her career. Perhaps it would not be so frightening because of her greater familiarity with the textile of growth. Summary Margo "rooted" during the year of study. She took many risks, tried out some new behaviors such as confronting others and began to stabilize her new behaviors. The most relieving breakthrough was the freedom that Margo began to experience in her actions. The new behaviors took on a naturalness that made interactions with others easier and more spontaneous. Margo began to trust her inner self and began to let the deeper, more honest, more confident Margo come out into the world. HEIDI JONES Profile Summary Heidi turned 21 years old the summer before the study began in September 1983. ‘She did not attend school that fall but did return as a full-time student in English Education during the Winter. She began her two day per-week teaching field experience as a junior in the Spring. Heidi worked at a variety of part-time jobs during the year, including working at a bookstore, mending clothes, and giving personal care to an elderly woman. In addition, Heidi did volunteer work at a nature center and did some tutoring. She enjoyed artistic expression, poetry, reading, and sewing in her very precious spare time. ISSUES OF CONFLICT AND PERSONAL CHANGE Heidi entered the year of study on an upswing. Two years prior to the start of the study in, September, 1983, Heidi had what she termed a "breakdown.” The breakdown occurred shortly after Heidi moved from home to begin college. Her time at home had been difficult. During her period of growing up at home with her parents, she kept herself extremely busy to overcome the pain she felt in her relationship with her father. She found his distorted accusations and distrust to be emotionally violent. Heidi had always enjoyed writing her thoughts in journals as a way to comfort herself and to understand herself and her world. One day Heidi’s father got hold of her journals and read them. He felt quite angered by what he read and so he ripped them up and burned them. Heidi felt a deep and painful loss at this incident and decided that "it didn’t pay to have any structure, because it would just be torn down.” She was a freshman at a large midwest university shortly after the incident, but she 85 86 had no drive and no desire to create. The life that had been busy and productive was now quiet, even lonely. The pain that had been so carefully repressed through high activity came into awareness and realization. Heidi cried often, experimented with drugs, couldn’t go to class. She preferred the solitude of her room. After awhile she was even afraid to leave her room. Heidi had a functional breakdown. Eventually this period passed. It’s difficult to say what really got Heidi moving again in a forward direction. When I met Heidi in August of 1983 and she agreed to participate as a subject in this study she had already passed through an isolated period of withdrawal and had begun to express a new deeper self that was emerging. However, the "new self” was 'still quite confused and insecure about direction. The intense experience of the previous few years brought Heidi to deal with three primary issues during the year of study. They are: to manage self vs. to be controlled/taken care of by others (particularly parents); to form honest relationships vs. to remain private and superficial; and to initiate a career commitment vs. to prolong the irresponsibility of youth. Basically, it was time for Heidi to establish the independence of her adult life and also to blend this with a desire to merge with significant others. Heidi showed an alertness and readiness to tackle these issues even at the beginning of the study. Nonetheless, her process was filled with struggle, despair and breakthrough. Sometimes, as I observed Heidi during the beginning of the year, I saw wild electricity frantically and hopefully looking for a place to ground itself. As the year progressed the wildness began to tame, the frantic found a mostly stable connection to the solid earth. For Heidi ”truth" became the grounding lever. Honesty with herself and others was the way out of her old attire and an invitation to her deeper, more authentic self. 87 Heidi kept a journal throughout the entire year. Most of her entries were personal reflections. Occasionally she included a ’To Do’ list or some class notes. On December 14, 1983 Heidi entered some thoughts on the value that truth was holding in her life. She spoke about truth in relation to many different people in her life. The last part of the entry, which includes a quote from The Little Prince , seems to clarify the lever she chose to use to lift herself to a more honest and meaningful life. "Truth-hardcore is so attractive to me at this point in my life. Especially in a relationship I 'would like to see take solid form. Very realistically I see two people who unite in polar honesty as a way out of myself to share genuinely with another." This reflection was followed by this quote from The Little Prince: The fox gazed at the little prince, for a long time. "Please tame me!" he said "I want to very much,"the little prince replied, "But I have not, much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand" "One only understands the things that one tames." said the fox, "often people have no more time to understand anything. They buy things already made in shops. But there is no shop anywhere one can buy friendship, and some have no friends anymore. If you want a friend, tame me." I "What must I do to tame you?" asked the little prince. "You must be very patient,” replied the fox. "First, you will sit down at a little distance from me - like - that-in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, everyday.” Antoine de Saint Exupery The Little Prince 88 This "taming" seemed not only to speak of her relationships with others but perhaps, in a moreprimal sense, her relationship to her emerging self...an image she was coming closer to everyday in the hopes that the frame would come into focus and the double image would be united. This was the adventure of Heidi Jones during the year of study. Her issues were both the force and direction for this period of growth in her life. Issue #1: To Manage Self vs. to Be Controlled/Taken Care of By Others (Particularly Parents) Heidi longed for a sense of centeredness...of meaning coming from deep within and not reflected from those around her. The summer before joining the zenith Center Heidi turned 21. Like many people her age Heidi struggled to assert her independence from her parents in some patterns of their relationships. She had, however,in the past two years spent some time quite withdrawn from her parents and there was some reestablishment of relationship occurring with them on an adult to adult basis during this year of study. Establishing independence and assuredness in the parental relationship served as a primary theme in Heidi’s issue "to manage self." Additional themes included: to establish a structure for use of time, priorities, values; to sustain her basic needs for clothing, shelter, and food through financial management, and to develop more emotional control. in terms of when, how, and to whom to release her emotional feelings and reactions. Independence from Parents Heidi held an accumulation of bad feelings toward her father. She considered her childhood homelife generally unfortunate and lonely. Her father was a physician of international reknown. She shared a few stories of herself and 89 her father that happened while she was living at home. In general they seemed to exhibit his anger towards her and sense of control over her. Two stories were shared in more than one way -- shared privately with me, shared with others on a group setting and one real life event also showed up in a dream in an abbreviated form that she later accounted in her journal. In one case Heidi was fifteen. (She was riding in the car, seated between her parents in the front seat. It was dark and she wanted to sleep so she curled up next to her mom..."which bothered dad for some reason. So much that they made a big scene of it...only for those of us in the front seat to notice. (except Kurt..I think). My head would nod -- and Dad would poke me. The contact made would jolt me to sit up straight.’ The above text was taken from Heidi’s journal where she wrote about the event that she also verbally shared with the Zenith group. The above sentences were in Heidi’s regular handwriting but the next statements were in bold print. "...FEELING HIS SERIOUSNESS ABOUT CONTROL. You ARE ' NOTTO LEAN, OR SLEEP OR NOD -- SO GIVE IT UP. Falling off, drifting, catching, trying so desperately to savor the fragment of an instant of peacefulness in rest...POKE!" This was an event that actually happened for Heidi in the Winter of 1978. In the winter of 1983 she often thought about her parents and their affect on her. The theme reoccurred throughout her journal. On December 12th, Heidi had a dream that duplicated the above vignette except in this case she was an adult but still sitting between her parents in the front seat and being treated as she was in the real scene of 1978. She wrote about it in her journal. In the dream however, there was a trailer where she and Dane (her new boyfriend/lover in real life) "shared very satisfying intimacy. Moments of greater peace and contentment." Her parents had picked Heidi up from the trailer and they were driving away. Children were in the back seat horsing around 90 unattentive. Heidi protested "Dad I didn’t know we would be traveling so far and plan on being gone so long...I’ve got to go back and lock the car...you left it unlocked and there are valuables there.” According to the journal entry her father did not listen or care. He kept driving desperately on. '"But my camera is in there...and there are other things." Heidi noted,’I was not specific, or really very direct (honest) as to what it was I felt such a need to protect. But I wanted to lock it in. Keep it from the contamination of others.“ Heidi continues her account in a way that suggests the parental control which is still a current issue for her. Ready to burst with a thousand thoughts and accusations, I sat next to him; silently/angry. You aren’t listening to me all over again -- DAMN YOU! Mom silence a stare out the windshield, and then the passenger window. Watching her I became aware of the distance we were making from the trailer Dane satisfaction the car, unlocked. (Maybe I wanted to keep something from Dane even.) The rich account of this dream brings into focus many of Heidi’s issues with her parents -- the disdain for her father’s control, her mother’s silence and her own silence. I am certainly not qualified to interpret the meaning of this drama for the reader but I share it because this dream seemed to have great meaning for Heidi. She talked about the dream with energy and curiosity.The reader may find the account interesting to ponder as I have. Heidi herself did not arrive at a definative understanding of the dream, but rather followed the account in her journal with some of her wonderings. SO MANY POSSIBILITIES -- The camera -- The children ignorant to the seriousness -- My doubts about accepting Dad $$$ for school. But principles no matter what. --‘ Mom as passenger/Dad driving -- People I care about -- Identity 91 A second event occurred when Heidi was nineteen. As she looks back on it,she knows that it was a turning point for her. The following is her verbal account of the event. She had been away at school during the fall of 1981. During December, a ski resort where she had worked for five years created a job for her for the month. She fell while on the job and injured her collar bone. Her father, a physician, took her to the hospital. He was yelling at her the whole way...accusing her of "hotdogging." She stated that he "always blames me for something I’m not. He brought up everything from the time of my birth to the present moment. I was sitting in the back seat shaking, not believing what was happening to me." When they got to the hospital Heidi said she had to get out of the car by herself. She stepped on the ice and slipped, that’s when she heard her collarbone snap. When they got inside "my father grabbed hold of me and was shaking me and yelling...his eyes were fire." She said that when an intern or nurse would come by he would calm down. He kept switching and "that’s when I knew for sure it was his problem!" Heidi shared that around that time her father got a hold of her journal,letters, and collages. He locked himself up in a room and ripped them all up. After that, Heidi said she was ”afraid to write...I didn’t want to do well in school." For the next year she didn’t care about anything because she felt that her only structure had been totally brutalized by her father. But even though Heidi rebelled against all expectations by withdrawing from the world and failing in school, she still felt the presence of her father’s rage in herself concept. The force of her parents’ influence was deep within her, even though she had pinched many of the observable cerds connecting them in patterns of hurtful interactions. She wrote so beautifully in her journal on a visit home for Thanksgiving in 1983. 92 Never having ripened in my parents home, I sometimes feel as muted as earth tones surrendering themselves to root and soil. Regeneration and the planting of things is a process going on so deep in the earth -- so beyond the physical realm in which we function everyday that our conscious minds are not aware. The impact of parents is indeed great and rooted at such a level that one who is trying to establish independence from parents by thought as well as action must wonder if it is at all possible. Heidi did, however, have a wedging experience concerning her psychic bonding with her father on this very same Thanksgiving visit. After Heidi and Dane had visited some with Heidi’s parents, they drove to a lake for some private time. An incident occurred which allowed her to "feel how conflict free" her relationship with Dane was. At the lake Heidi got Dane’s car stuck in some sand. He didn’t get upset. She expected the male figure in her life to get mad. She reflected, "for the first time I realize that I had a choice...I didn’t have to play the victim role and get defensive which might have brought on his criticism.” This was her pattern with her father and by sheer awareness she felt free of it...in this experience. In the previous two years, Heidi was establishing physical separation and independence from parents. During the year of study Heidi was completing a phase by severing the more subtle ties and breaking unhealthy patterns to leave space for new possibilities of connection. Structure Heidi resisted structure in her life. It seemed that while living at home, her father’s structure superseded her own and when he ripped up all her journals, letters, and collages, she felt as though all her private, internal 93 structure had been brutalized. She said, "why build anything to count on when it can be so easily shattered by an outside force.” In an effort of self management, Heidi had to find a 'way of structuring her time, activities, and a frame of reference so that she could discover a sense of constancy for herself and simply so she could "get things done." Making promises that she couldn’t keep plagued Heidi throughout the year. She often shared with me how disappointed she was when she would not get around to doing something that she said that she would do. Her defense against a painful homelife during high school was to keep so busy that she didn’t have time to think about her sorrow. Her defense provided a helpful shield for her, but like most defenses, it followed her until it became an encumbrance because her situation changed and she no longer needed it. Her "busy" defense kept her spinning in so many directions and saying yes to everything that interested her or that she thought she "should" do, that she wound up feeling disappOinted that she could not experience a sense of thoroughness on any front. As the year progressed, Heidi clearly tried to get hold of her time. She began making lists of things to do in the fall. By winter she was doing lists by categories of tasks. She tried very hard to stop talking about what she was going to do and just do it. She also began narrowing her priorities. She cut back on volunteer hours at a local co-op. She focused her social time on fewer friends, but tried to make the time more honest and meaningful. Sometimes Heidi’s shift in priorities caused problems with others in her life. Winter term when Heidi got completely immersed in her studies she failed to complete her household responsibilities. Her housemates at the Zenith Center, tried to be very patient but by the end of Winter Term there were some blow-ups. In particular Margo and Heidi had a major conflict about Heidi’s new priorities. 94 Margo felt left out of Heidi’s closer circle of friends. She got quite angry at Heidi for making arrangements to spend time with her and then not following through. The process of finding structure and simplifying demands continued to be an awkward challenge for Heidi and often pinched those around her. Heidi’s emotional structure had been one that was reactive to the strong forces around her. This year she started to make decisions for herself that pleased her. She wrote in her journal on December 10, 1983, Each day passes and I can feel myself making new decisions. Whether they are subconscious in refining my behavior and emotional maturity or conscious choices that I can make with a clear mind in approaching particular issues. For instance -- what I plan to do about classes next term and my reasoning behind it. Note and reasoning appropriate to my knowledge of my own needs is all I require...all I need to make it work. The passage reflects the formation of a decision - making process based on internal values rather than external forces. It characterizes a new organizing principle for Heidi’s life -- it was a source of identity for Heidi that was coming from deep within that would make the decision. As Heidi quieted her life some, she began to hear her internal voice a bit more clearly, and thus a new, more authentic structure of operation was forming. During fall term, Heidi worked full time. She had to structure her time outside of work to complete other tasks, but a real structuring challenge began in the Winter when she was a full-time student again but still working part-time. In December, she began to visualize herself as becoming more self-disciplined. The previous images of her control of time were fast moving pictures...out of control. Her image of time beginning Winter term began to be calmer, more conscious. As in all successful action, the successful image preceded. She did indeed become 95 more disciplined with her time Winter term. A new structure was being born of an emerging self image. Financial Management To Heidi being financially independent was to "make it." She spent a lot of time being concerned with income and expenses. She had to work very hard to support herself and felt that she finally ”understood the value of a dollar." She often wrote in her journal about her financial worries, but did not verbalize much about her problems. She did however often "think aloud" about potential ways to earn more money and then she would take action to pursue those possibilities. On one occasion in the fall, she couldn’t get her rent money together by the due date. She left me a note explaining that she couldn’t get the money for the rent and so she left 'town for a while to "get away from it all.” To heidi her financial independence was essential. For this reason, her father offering her money in November to go back to school in January bewildered her. She felt very ready to go to school full time and knew that she didn’t have the savings to do it. It was a very tender moment between her and her father when he offered the money. She didn’t perceive any strings attached or any pressure from her father when he offered the money, but rather just a genuine feeling that he would like to help her in that way. She declined the offer during their conversation but eventually promised to think about it. Over the course of the next month Heidi did much soul searching over the offer of money from her father. She talked with a few people, some of whom thought she shouldn’t take the support because she needed to be firm about establishing her independence, and others who thought the money was offered in the spirit of love and it was the only way she could return to school. She eventually decided to accept the support even though she continued to work for 96 her other living expenses. She came to manage her money very closely. Although her bills weren’t always paid exactly on time, she stayed buoyant and dependable in her financial matters. Emotional Change Part of the trait of Heidi not being "grounded" at the beginning of the year manifested in her emotional releases. When something significant happened to Heidi the event seemed to take on all-encompassing emotional responses. For instance, one time in the fall Heidi had a few checks returned for insufficient funds. She immediately took an hour off of work to go to the bank and figure out with them what had happened. The bank refused to deal with her until she had gone through her records herself. Heidi got very upset, especially since she had lost the hour of work. When I saw her late in the evening, she still seemed rather frantic about it. Stephanie also heard Heidi sharing the story about the bank being so uncooperative. When Heidi left the room, Stephanie remarked to me, "That’s the difference between Heidi and me...I would have sat down by myself and gone over all of my records before going to the bank.” On a few occasions, events such as this escalated to emotional crises for Heidi. All of her attention would become focused on the event and she would look for help because of the perhaps overwhelming feeling of being consumed by the panic. An issue she faced in her self management was to exhibit more self control in her reaction to the events of her life. Often Heidi would come into a room talking about her latest crisis or insights and in many cases might interrupt a discussion that was in progress. Sometimes the in-progress discussions were casual and Heidi’s concerns could easily be heard. One time in particular, however, Lance was sharing his stories with me about 97 "coming out" as a gay man. The tone was quite serious. Heidi came into the kitchen where we were talking, to share her excitement about a good grade that she had received on an exam. When Heidi left the room Lance did not continue his story. As the year progressed, Heidi began to realize that her spontaneous nature about sharing her life as an open book was not always considerate of others. Lance in some ways admired her openness because he found it difficult to be that open. For him, her kind of openness was only shared with very special people. He could not understand how she could be open with so many people in so many types of situations. Stephanie found herself jealous of the attention that Heidi got from "sharing so much about what she is going through." Margo wanted equal time. She wanted Heidi to be as interested in her as Heidi expected Margo to be. It’s not clear that anything directly was said to Heidi, but eventually she got the message. On January 23rd, 1984, Heidi apologized to me for talking about herself so much. She acknowledged that it was a habit that she wanted to change. The change would be difficult though because it was one she carried from her youth. In fact she shared that ”her spontaneous emotional release used to frighten (her) mother because she didn’t know what to do with all of it.” Six days after the apology was the incident where Heidi interrupted as Lance was sharing his "coming out" stories with me. But something was different this time. Thirty minutes later Heidi came back and apologized to both Lance and myself. The pace of awareness, to acknowledgement, to action had hastened with this habit. Heidi had many psychic experiences, especially during fall term. She would often know about events, visits, phone calls before they happened. This psychic energy excited her but also seemed to frighten her. When one of these psychic episodes would occur she would get very energized, move quickly, and talk fast. She seemed to need to quickly release the energy that she was receiving. 98 An interesting event occurred one day for Heidi concerning psychic energy. She shared the story with some housemates and me at a house meeting. She was sitting in class when an unknown woman burst into the room and started "frantically rambling." The woman was hysterical about her psychic powers. Heidi shared, "basically the woman was losing it -- the instructor couldn’t handle what was happening. The woman kept looking directly at me and I knew I had to do something. Finally, I got up, touched the teacher’s arm and told her that I thought I Could handle it. I knew the only way to help her was to love her -- she was so tense." In a way, perhaps this situation reflected Heidi’s own dilemma -- her tension, her need to be loved as a way to soothe her multi-directed energies. As the year progressed, Heidi entered a realm of love with her boyfriend, Dane, and other special loving friends in her life. She began to be more quiet and self-contained; she began to hold some of her emotional energy, and then consciously chose a directed action to use the energy instead of spontaneously spilling it. In December, she reflected on how nice it was to be more relaxed with her energy and less frantic. Certainly progress was made on this issue but her seas of energy continued to bechoppy at times. Her focus on becoming a teacher in order to help children and increasing honesty and depth in her significant relationships became a way to channel her whirlwind of energy. Issue #2: To Form Honest Relationships vs. to Remain Private and Superficial Perhaps the area of greatest risk, for Heidi during the year, was her openness to, and gentle pursuit of, honest relationships. Coming out of the ”breakdown" year, Heidi had been rather isolated and withdrawn from others. In December, 1983, she reflected on her changes, ”I had a hard time handling my failure during this time. Now I see that the tearing down was important to becoming a real person. Now, I’m alive, reaching out, caring about people...l 99 LOVE PEOPLE." When Heidi moved into the Zenith Center she began an experience of connection with her Zenith Center housemates, friends, and her new boyfriend Dane. She felt very happy about her potential to bond with people now in her life. A week after moving into the house she told me, ”It’s all energy, when you begin to live your life honestly as it is deep inside you -- the good energy flows." Many times the honesty with others was refreshing and inviting, at other times the honesty brought conflict -- something that Heidi began to deal with rather than flee. By the end of the year, Heidi’s focus on the word "honesty" in relationships was replaced by the more encompassing presence of "trust" in her important relationships. Heidi often wrote about the disguises she assumed while growing up in order to not upset anyone. She found truth to be her healing principle in life. In her journal she wrote (12-14-83) ”I have learned that genuine healing availability always to be found and of which can be drawn from within one’s self is TRUTH.” She continues, Linda and I spoke of truth last night. Truth in relationships. The truth young people are somehow unable to give their parents. I spoke of the guilt I have experienced in not having expressed my true needs in elementary years. Finding and believing the answers in communication to be what the other person wanted to hear. What sounds best -- avoiding any confrontation as a challenge I would be unable to enjoy. Or conquer or understand as something that may be good for me. THE TRUTH - THE TRUTH - THE TRUTH - Is it that our society, our institutions and daily transactions amongst each other teach us to be dishonest? And for what? Something with the reputation of being better...more respectable? It is so absurd and yet I understand aspects of it so clearly. And a few weeks later during a visit to her parents home she wrote:(12-27-83) 100 Tears stream down my face as I have tea with my mother and look out onto the lake. Changes, the pain and suffering I have endured in giving up old habits and weaknesses -- a greedy eye and desirous needs. Needs that were never needs at all but petty want and glamorous thrills to cover my choking self with. Choking on lies untold stories...where straight forward, intelligent arguments that kept me confined tomy room would have been more freeing. More telling of life than protective layering. And she wrote again on March 11, 1984: Confrontation - why are we taught suppression and disguise before truth and honesty...? confronting our conflicts on whether they lie with one’s own person or are shared with another do not seem to be dealt with as directly as could be. Do not people think of their health? HEALTHY OPEN MINDS CREATE NATURAL PATHS FOR MOTIVATION AND DETERMINATION THOUGHTS TO PASS THROUGH. In this last entry Heidi begins to perceive her past habits of disguise and dishonesty as not only traits within themselves that she would like to cleanse, but habits which were points of blockage for her motivation and determination in generaL The Zenith group provided Heidi with a support group for this issue. Support group, in this context, means one that will provide both harmony and "fair" conflict. Heidi felt very good about the Zenith group. Early in the year she remarked that, "Before Zenith, I got only discouragement from people."She often expressed her thankfulness for the support she felt from the group. Even in times of great irritation she acknowledged the value of this group for her growth and enjoyment. Heidi, by conditioning, sought harmony in her life. Stephanie at an early housemeeting indicated the value of being able to argue. The statement seemed to frighten Heidi, but it was one she brought up occasionally throughout the year. Heidi wrote about the concept in her journal on October 14, 1983, 101 Learn to argue? Hmmmm. Sharing seems to be the more positive of energies. A question? You get excited during reflection? Not once someone pushes meinto sensitizing myself to the personal (self- centered) approach I take in communication -- DEFENSE -- so prominent -- And tonight...a realization that the defense is child-like. From childhood -- feeling and identifying obsessive defense with defense. Heidi entered into disagreement and conflict with all of her housemates at the Zenith Center. Both led to bonding and individualization. Heidi longed to express her true self even when that meant disagreement and at the Zenith Center during the year of study she practiced, practiced, practiced which is the stuff of which new habits are made. Stephanie challenged her values, Margo questioned her priorities at times, and Lance made her think more deeply about the character of her personality. At the end of the year, Heidi expressed her great appreciation for the role that the Zenith group took in her life. She felt that each housemate meant more to her than was sometimes spoken, and would feel forever "thankful." The individuals who lived at the Zenith Center became Heidi’s friends, but she also developed same deep friendships based 'on truth with others. Heidi and Linda were friends who were both in love with Dane. Heidi eventually became lovers with Dane and it took a great deal of honesty and pain with Linda to continue to build that friendship. They did develop a closer friendship and heidi found their honesty with each other to be very touching. During the fall it was especially rough. On November 7, 1983 Heidi wrote: "Margo gave me advice on trusting our friendship (Heidi’s and Linda’s) and knowing that there will be pain, hurt, not really understanding. My Acceptance of this...? Meaning and significance in truth." 102 Heidi had come to accept pain as sometimes a cost of truth, but she valued the choice of truth. It served her well in her relationship. Heidi’s relationship with . Dane was very growthful, painful, and fun. She was drawn to his poetic nature and a rawness in his life style, but at the same time she some times felt alienated from the rough images in his poetry and felt deflated by his lack of goal directness since that behavior on her part was still so tentative and innocent. They 'did, however, love and share and enjoy intimacy that brought her closer to someone than she had bef Ore. ' Heidi immediately reached for honesty on many fronts with Dane, especially concerning their feelings for each other. She only slowly allowed herself to look at the traits that made her feel separate from him -- his drinking, use of drugs, and absence of career drive. She wondered at times how he would ever "take care of himself in the world.” It’s quite natural to hope that one’s first love is perfect in every way to meet the set of expectations that have set for ”happily ever after." It is also very much like love to break chains of expectations and to invite acceptance of differences. Heidi thought many different ways about Dane. On December 21, 1983, she wrote, "Dane, I question him still. More and More." And a few weeks later on January 8, 1984 she wrote, "God, I feel him (Dane) so heavy in my life - still, when I express to others who he is to me or what I feel we are to each other --I feel bound not to push or pull so intimately in expression of relationship so sacred. Later she asks in her journal ”would we, could we...bui1d a life together? He is a very complicated person and I just don’t know 4- why does this trouble me so?” She spent time throughoutthe year alternately seeing the good in Dane and then seeing those'parts that bothered her. Sometimes she chose not to see traits of his that hinted at a sense of fatalism about their future together. Heidi and Dane 103 touched on deeper honesty together but sometimes Heidi protected her heart from truths and interpretations that were too heavy and binding to view. Issue #3: To Initiate a Career Commitment vs. to Prolong the Irresponsibility of Youth The issue that most clearly moved Heidi’s self image from that of a child to that of an adult, was her growing career commitment. Heidi had seen herself as a child-«one who needs support from others, one who needs protection, and the one who is to receive. As Heidi’s career motivation began to stir and she could actually "see" herself as a teacher she began to envision herself as responsible, supportive, and a care-giver. Heidi did not attend school in the fall because she had done so poorly the previous year. Her goal through the summer and fall was to make it financially. She struggled with a full-time job and a couple of side work efforts but could not seem to really get ahead. She tried to make her work in a quaint used book store meaningful but it often fell short of that, even though she enjoyed the work. In mid-December, she made this commentary in her journal. Two weeks ago I felt changes coming on. Knowing within myself that although the satisfaction in working at the store and completing sewing projects on the side with the conscious adjoinment of ritual doing/sharing was there ever present and strengthening -- THERE WAS A DISSATISFACTION IN NOT APPLYING MYSELF TO MORE PRODUCTIVE WORK. ' In January Heidi returned to school to continue her degree in elementary education. Something was quite different for Heidi this time. She could actually picture herself coming out of her own self preoccupation enough that she could really be concerned with another’s needs -- her student’s needs. She could not have 104 imagined doing this before because she needed all of her energy to "work out" her own personal conflicts. Of course Heidi still had issues which required her close attention. One never completely finishes innerwork on him/herself. Heidi’s self consciousness was no longer all-consuming and she found a way to get out of that snake eating the tail consumption. Heidi’s sights began to focus on the future, a new sensation for her. In that picture of the future she was helping children, some of whom may have very unhappy home lives as she did. Through her commitment to being a good, loving teacher they could "at least enjoy the part of their lives that happened at school.” Heidi envisioned this time in her life as a bridge. She used that term often. She was now in a bridge period between being a student and a teacher. In the Spring she was a student: teacher interntwo days a week in an elementary school and it all came to life. One day Heidi and I went on a long walk. She was filled with exclamations about her new student teaching role and success as a student. Even her recent conflicts-with Dane did not overshadow her delight and focus on her career future. "In the past,” she said, "I would have given all my energy to this emotional trauma, but now I don’t want to lose my focus on school because I’m doing so well." But there was something about this feeling of this impending success that left her frightened. The fear came because she felt success would mean, "changing again and I’ve been changing so much in recent years." On this walk, Heidi stopped. She pointed down the road we had just traveled and said, "That’s my past." She then pointed up the road in the direction we were walking and said, "that’s my future and right now my body and soul is the bridge between being a student in my past and a teacher in my future.” She wanted to move from learning the art of living her own life to being a contributing community member. 105 Heidi spent a great deal of time preparing for her student teaching days. It was obvious that she went beyond expectations. She thought a great deal about how to present things to the children in interesting ways. At times, she would make very beautiful displays to use in her lessons and at other times she would gather extra books to take in for the children to give them access to additional resources other. She was completely "turned on" to being a teacher. Heidi wanted to know how children learned. She wanted to know what research said and what her experience allowed her to know. Within Heidi was born an insatiable desire to learn how to be the most challenging, loving, and competent teacher she could be. Heidi, as an adult, now had something to give. THE ADAPTATION PROCESS: HEIDI JONES The year of study found Heidi in a rebuilding phase. A more authentic and purposeful personality for Heidi was emerging into the visible world. The way this happened involved the testing out of new behaviors, identification of those that worked, and the stabilization of acceptable behaviors around a new sense of identity. Heidi used primarily three strategies to move her adaptation process along its way: to develop support, to confront self and others, and to take action. Strategy #1: To Develop Support An obvious sense of support for Heidi came from the housemates at the Zenith Center, Dane (her boyfriend), and Linda (her best friend). Each of these people affirmed Heidi and confronted her on issues related to them. Although the confrontations were real and emotional, they did not seem, for the most part, to be irrational. There was an element of fairness in the fight arenas for Heidi this year. Heidi became very open to feedback and tried as 106 often as possible to respond from a growth orientation and not a defensive stand. On her end of year reflection, Heidi felt that she really enjoyed a pure, loving involvement with the special people in her life. She Opened herself and permitted a trust to form with honesty as the foundation of that trust. Heidi worked very hard at her growth; it was to her own credit, and yet she compassionately acknowledges the vital role that her system of support provided in stimulation, encouragement, and love. In addition to support of friends, Heidi‘also found resources in the local community and the university that offered her‘places to lodge her feet in her climb upwards. One of these resources was yoga. A swami from Australia who was also an MD. with a western type upbringing visited the city of this study during the fall of 1983. The-Zenith Center was one of the sponsors. Many ‘ students and professional‘people, especially educators and therapists, gathered to study with him. Heidi signed up for the Hatha yoga class which is the yoga of body movement. She found the practices very centering but sometimes they brought into her awareness too many thoughts from her subconscious in the form of unresolved issues. She relied on her yoga learning on occasions and participated in yoga training two additional times during the year. At times when she felt most overcome by stress, she would turn to yoga to help support her through the time of challenge. Heidi also discovered a system of communication study called Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). The method can help people to improve their skills at communicating with one another and also can improve learning. Liz Davidson gave an introductory session on NLP at the Zenith Center. Heidi spoke with her at that time and followed up with some visits to Liz’s office so that she could get some assistance with personal issues. 107 Heidi’s support system included friends, practices of discipline and personal development, and other resource people. In addition to these outside sources, Heidi’s own internal strength and her constant unfailing companion -- her journal, completed her network of support. Strategy #2 To Confront Self and Others When life became difficult, Heidi withdrew into her journal, her art, her fantasy,...her "dishonesty". That statement held true in the few years prior to the start of this study. Heidi often reflected on how she formed a disguise to keep her safe and innoculous in a treacherous world. She used behaviors which would please others, especially her father. Her perceived safety was at the cost of personal freedom. Her dishonesty put four walls around her and reStrained her in childhood. At the start of .the year of study, Heidi knew she could not stay in the box. She had just come through a phase where she'was looking for truth outside of herself ...in religion and in others. She seemed to now see the truth as not some large definitive object or idea to locate but rather as coming from within her and in small, quiet ways from-another person. Honesty became her guide. She spoke and wrote of it often. . Of course, Heidi still struggled some with her newfound behavior. At times she wound up agreeing to do work that she didn’t want to do, or getting into debates with Stephanie (her housemate) at times when she didn’t want to, or holding back some negative perception with her boyfriend Dane. Despite these circumstances'Heidi predominately lived out her desire to be more honest in her life. She confronted circumstances at work, she shared feelings with 108 Dane that were often difficult to verbalize, she even confronted her father one time when he avoided talking with her on the phone. She painfully shared truths with her housemates and with clarity and quickness confronted her own behaviors in her journal and in conversation. Heidi’s honesty seemed to come naturally and easily after awhile. In March she wrote in her journal, ”What a believer I have become in honest, straight- forward living. Branches to truth which content and became part of seasonal changes are the days between thaw and intense humidity.” Heidi’s trials with honesty were sometimes painful, but often rich. As she accumulated more and more experiences of shared honesty including confrontation, she claimed it as her own. This newly acquired trait assisted her in finding growth in the issues on her field. Strategy #3: To Take Action Heidi had experienced much of her life as "out of her control” during the time prior to moving into the Zenith Center. There was always too much to do, commitments that she would make and couldn’t keep; Heidi simply found herself overwhelmed and tugged at by the many demands (often self -imposed) in her life. She felt lost in the slow track of a world that was going too fast. When she moved into the Zenith Center, it was time for things to be different. She wanted desperately to experience f ollow-thru and completion in the tasks of her life. She began to use a strategy of moving beyond wishful thinking to taking action as a means to tackle her issues, to manage herself, form honest relationships, and initiate a career commitment. Heidi seemed to have as many disappointments in "taking action" as she had successes, but for Heidi this was progress. The infant steps were crucial in moving Heidi from neutral. She certainly had enough energy to accomplish many 109 different things; however Heidi had not, prior to this year, been as handy at differentiating her priorities. All of her interest in people and activities seemed to be equalized. As she discovered herself, she clarified her values and priorities. And as she made decisions and acted on them, she came to know herself. Shortly after moving into the Zenith Center, Heidi told me about her interest in attending a series of yoga workshops which exemplified her move from being tentative to taking action. She told me, "You know I’ve checked out yoga a bit in the past, read about it, and talked to some folks about it, but I always back off from it. But now, I’m ready for it, now I need it and I’m really excited.” Heidi signed up for the three week series. She attended some sessions, but also missed more than she wanted to. She maintained that the action she took to pursue yoga helped her throughout the year. She took more yoga in the Winter and Spring and found it very helpful in dealing with her stress. A few weeks later in mid-October, Heidi came down with a cold. I found her in the kitchen making up an herbal tea brew as a cold remedy. She told me, ”This is a breakthrough for me. I’ve thought of using herbs for remedies before, but I’M REALLY DOING IT THIS TIME!" She smiled with a glow and seemed to be very happy with herself. The Winter fell hard for Heidi in terms of taking action. She found herself overcommitted again and her relationship with Dane enjoyed much of her time and focus. On occasion Heidi failed to follow-through on her commitments. To whomever she made a commitment which she didn’t complete, Heidi painfully admitted her error in not fulfilling her commitment. These acknowledgments seemed embarrassing to her but she persevered. Often she followed the admittance with "I had to be honest with you about this because I’m trying to work on my follow-through for commitments.” This is typical of a few interactions that Heidi and I had as well as some observations 1 made of Heidi and her housemates. 110 Taking action and getting organized seemed to subside the flood waters covering Heidi. By acting in the world, the internalized Heidi began finding balance with her self and her surroundings. In March she wrote; Whether or not it is yoga or simply a high consciousness of how dire my need is for physical health disciplines, I have this feeling that I am entering new stages of self -awareness. They are coming to me via involvement i.e. I told Sandy yesterday that by being in school, this discovery process is taking care of itself. Heidi also told me around this time that in the past she had often gotten so fascinated with the mystery of life that she didn’t do the things needed to live in everyday reality. She often romanticized life and saw the poetry in life but shied away from tasks of self care and self management. Often Heidi visualized her actions before taking them. For instance during the fall she visualized being a disciplined student and when winter arrived, for the most part, she acted as a disciplined student. In the Winter she again visualized being an effective and loving student teacher and her reports of follow-through action were generally positive. Even though Heidi had not yet become consistent in her action and follow- through, the positive actions she did take were the first steps to a new self. She was moving toward successfully meeting her goals both for her career and in her relationships. A calmer, more directed Heidi was emerging. The incredible amount of energy within her was now finding purpose in the world. THE CHANGES - HEIDI JONES Heidi had passed through a very difficult, foundation-shaking time froml98l-l983. When she moved into the Zenith Center she had a vision of who she wanted to become. During the year the emerging identity alternated between 111 vision and reality but she was moving in the direction of longer periods and deeper experiences of realities. This final portion of Heidi’s case study will characterize her changes in the area of the three identified issues: to manage self vs. to be controlled/taken care of by others; to form honest relationships vs.to remain private and superficial; and to initiate a career commitment vs. to prolong the irresponsibility of youth. Issue #1: To Manage Self vs. To Be Controlled/Taken Care Of By Others - - The Changes Heidi became responsible for herself during this year of study. She exhibited a greater sense of organization and an ability to set priorities. She wanted to be successful and thorough and she realized that she couldn’t follow every whim and interest -- she had to make choices. About midway through the year Heidi told me , "One of the things I enjoy most about getting my work done is that I don’t have to feel guilty anymore because I didn’t study enough or work hard enough or whatever enough. I’m really freer now." It seems interesting that by putting more structure and follow thru in her life she actually felt freer. When Heidi reflected back on her year she felt that what she gained more than anything was commitment and a sense of direction. She had become more conscientious with fewer priorities in her life. Linda, her close friend, had seen Heidi’s energy become "integrated" during the year. Her thoughts, feelings, and actions became synthesized instead of energy going in all directions. As mentioned before, the issue of self control for Heidi did not completely resolve during the year, but she did have an accumulation of successful experiences that "reduced her feelings of guilt and fear" and also contributed to her sense of competence. The student teaching field experience in the Spring did 112 more to help her organize her life than any other part of life. She told me that you can’t "go into a classroom without an organizing principle...you’ll die.” Her experiences with eighth grade students during her interning brought focus to her self management issue in a variety of ways. In the following journal entry she observes the children and reflects on her frustrations: We’re in the library now. Frustrations are starting to rise. I suppose this is because of the girls reactions to deadlines. Are they so bogged down by their other classes that they cannot face the fact that there IS HOMEWORK TO DO IN THIS CLASS TOO? I almost feel badly. But I know a foot down is a serious part of my role. Firmly reminding them of their responsibilities is FOR THEIR OWN GOOD. Her thoughts about her students may very likely be a message that she must still give to herself. Heidi made progressin her self management. She became focused on a purpose of heart and mind that helped her to prioritize her use of time. Her energy was no longer consistently frantic. In fact, by the end of the study her energy was generally more calm and directed. From time to time however her energy would get confused, a bit erratic and then make a wild escape. Spontaneous release of energy also has a value, particularly I would think, in an artist’s personality such as Heidi’s. Issue #2: To Form Honest Relationships vs. To Remain Private and Superficial- The Changes Heidi began the year ready to experiment with and experience honest relationships. She had many deep, rich honest exchanges with significant people in her life throughout the year. Sometimes she avoided some honest confrontations, especially with Dane but she enjoyed the loving space so much with him, that she apparently considered the risk not worthwhile. 113 Besides stabilizing her growth in this area, over the year Heidi seemed to make two primary changes in her approach to this issue. First, she thought that if she finally began to be honest with her parents, that they would understand who she really was and then really accept her. Heidi visited her parents for Thanksgiving. She shared with her mom many of the wonderous new parts of her life that had become important -- her personal happiness, Dane, and their poetry together. But Heidi wrote in her journal, She understmds. She doesn’t understand. There are moments that we share when I sincerely believe that once a feeling or insight is articulated, it will be received. Accepted, Understood. ----- (wrong)----- The need to have honesty in relationships extend to Heidi’s parents became less of a topicof discussion. She seemed to originally expect breakthroughs in communication with her parents, but later seemed resigned to the fact that while she would seek to be more honest with them, she recognized that any real change in their relationship would evolve slowly. The first level of honesty that Heidi experienced with Dane was her love for him, appreciation of his sensitivity and his easy ways. A few months later heidi began to see things in Dane that she didn’t want to see, but she held those feelings in because she wanted to be very supportive of him. Some of the traits she noticed most fiercely were those that she was working on within herself -- commitment, responsibility, and dependability. Once she began to share some level of her disturbance with him, she then expected him to change or at least be working in these areas otherwise she feared the relationship could not exist. By Spring she realized that she could not change him nor should she hold that as a goal. Realizing she was not thereto ”save" him seemed to relax her expectations of the wholeness of the relationship. Truth, even 114 though, powerful, does not immediately heal relationships. She began to focus her energy on school instead of dipping into depression as she would have in the past. Honesty seemed to have left a maturing influence on Heidi. Truth took her to a depth that she thought at first must be purer, perhaps even perfect. She discovered this was not so. Being in love isn’t always light and poetic, parents may not change with the same enthusiasm and innocence as their young daughter, and even the much desired world of teaching has it’s share of frustrations. Heidi seemed to grow into a state of realism concerning her honesty in relationships. Issue #3 To Initiate A Career Commitment vs. To Prolong The Irresponsibility Of Youth -- The Changes. In the fall Heidi imagined returning to school as a disciplined successful student, in the winter she did. In the winter, she envisioned doing a successful student teaching field experience and in the spring she did. In amid-April journal entry Heidi wrote, "It’s different sometimes to be experiencing such FULL days that usher me closer and closer to my own personal goals of teacher." Working with the children was a frequent, assured topic of conversation in Heidi’s life. She felt her work was meaningful and creative. Her journal became filled with ideas that might be interesting to try with the children in upcoming classes. Heidi’s role as a teacher’s aide provided a clear need for her to develop an organizing principle for her life, it was an outlet for her creativity and her love, and it drew her into higher purpose. If there were children out there who had the troublesome home life as she had then she wanted to reach them and give them hope and something worthwhile to count on. In early May, near the end of her teacher’s aide field experience, she wrote of her insights in her journal. (I AM) REALIZING OVER AND OVER AGAIN THAT ALL THIS ENERGY I HAVE INTERNALIZED THESE PAST YEARS . . . IS SLOWLY COMING 115 OUT. I OPPS OVER OVER AGAIN FEELING STUPID AND AWKWARD, SELFISH, AND SO GREEN AT TIMES. MOST SIGNIFICANTLY SITS MY DESIRE TO EVENTUALLY INTEGRATE MY REALIZATIONS INTO A SYSTEM OF EXPRESSION THAT IS TRANSLATED INTO A LANGUAGE THAT YOUNG PEOPLE CAN UNDERSTAND, ABSORB OR TAP INTO... Not only was Heidi feeling this connection with children, she was beginning to see how her ideas could be accepted by other teachers, administrators, and parents. She enthusiastically read about educational philosophy, research on student learning, and educational concepts. She desired to be well-educated in her prefession and genuine in her connections with children. Out of a non-caring period of time had come a tremendous career commitment. She no longer wanted to be taken care of as a child, she had something to give and the time had arrived. Summary I spoke with Heidi near the end of the year and asked her to reflect on her changes. She was leoking forward to moving from the Zenith Center because it was such an intense environment for her. She felt that she had been "weaned" and was ready to move on to the next stage of her life. She had painfully faced herself this year and grew quite a bit. Heidi felt the first bud of success in her profession. She became the one to "help children find their goals and then help them to find the motivation to reach them." This was also a year for love in Heidi’s life, the first real serious love. That added both splendor and anguish to Heidi’s life, but she always seemed to see the growth that came from all her experiences and reflections. Her year was filled with the kind of growth that brought stabilization to her career initiative, honesty 116 in relationships, and self management. Her support system, her ability to confront herself and others, and her dedication to take action in chosen directions made her growth fruitful. STEPHANIE ROGERS Profile Summary Stephanie was twenty three years old during the period of study. She majored in history with a special interest in women’s history. Her father financed her education. She was a student throughout the period of study including a summer term as a guest student at Harvard. A favorite activity for Stephanie was dining out at nice restaurants and socializing with acquaintances over coffee or drinks. Stephanie also enjoyed challenging conversations and fixing things like broken electric typewriters. She felt especially close to her family, housemates at the Zenith Center, teachers, and her cats. ISSUE OF CONFLICT AND PERSONAL CHANGE Stephanie had only one major issue during the year of study, however, the issue was pervasive and powerful. Stephanie found herself in a state of confusion as she struggled with the issue to develop intimacy vs. to remain separate. Wrestling with this issue brought many behavioral and attitudinal patterns into question. She wanted to be closer to people...sometimes...but the other residents felt that she challenged them in a manipulative and judgmental manner, and this kept her separate. Sometimes when she felt that someone expected a certain behavior of her or a certain "rule” applied to the situation, she would do the opposite. As the year progressed it became evident that Stephanie could be charming and sincere at times but also at times she would exhibit a style of abrasive 117 118 confrontation and manipulation. Stephanie both took emotional risks that bonded her with others and then retreated into emotional solitude or emotional defensiveness. Her year could be characterized as one of confusion, marked by efforts of trial. The text that follows will describe the dynamics of her issue, the adaptation strategies that she employed, and the evident changes. Issue: To Develop Intimacy vs. to Remain Separate To describe Stephanie’s conflict with developing intimacy, it is helpful to view two components of the issue. They are: (1) Concept of self in the context of relating to others, and (2) role and behavior in groups and 1:1 relationships. These two components blend to portray the magnitude of the issue for Stephanie and serve to exemplify her confusions and difficulty with developing the much desired yet feared intimacy. Concept of Self Shortly after Stephanie moved into the Zenith house, she and I were sitting on the front steps and she wondered what she could do to help the Zenith Center. She shot out a statement double loaded with her perceptions on the value of judgment. She said, " It needs to look good to those who count." The ”needs to look good” suggested the impression that a projected image has on her and ”to those who count” suggested that she deems some people as having more authority or power to judge. She focused much of her conversation that afternoon on those who will judge--"especially the cream of our target audience". She firmly stated that we ”must provide a hole-proof program and not allow any weaknesses to show”. Two days later Stephanie asked to talk to me and apologized for "coming on so strong”. Yet the statements she made seemed to reflect her most immediate 119 thoughts about what would mean success for the Zenith Center. I wondered if making herself impenetrable to the judgment of others by presenting the proper "image" would drive her self -concept. As time passed more evidence came forth to exemplify this point. The day after our conversation about the Zenith Center needing to "look good", Stephanie invited me to dinner with her so that we could talk. I was expecting to perhaps go get a pizza or something, but instead we went to the most exclusive restaurant in town. In my awkwardness about the situation, she laughed and said, ”I wanted to impress you, and I certainly hope I did”. It seemed as if the perfect impression was the goal almost as though it were a bubble to isolate the inner Stephanie from criticism. Presenting the right image motivated Stephanie. With the right image you can "get what you want”. She saw it as a way to get her needs met -- to survive. In January, Stephanie told me that she was considering a convenience marriage to a gay male, even though she was a lesbian. I was astounded and asked her why. The reason was money. She figured if she was married, looked proper and did all the right things that, she would have access to the family money, which apparently was substantial. She could then continue her life in the style which was familiar to her. She was going to talk to a man who was in a convenience marriage to get more information and maybe even run an ad in the paper to locate others in such situations to get more information. She seemed quite serious about this but eventually let the idea "die on the vine." Another similar incident occurred in February. Stephanie was considering offering sexual favors to a male student who was president of an organization within her college major. She thought he could help her get the right connections to the professors in her department. Again Stephanie seemed quite serious about it, 120 although, because of my discomfort with the situation I found that my reaction led me to cut off further discussion of the idea. Months later, she initiated telling me that she never did anything about it. 1 don’t know if either of these possibilities for presenting image were potential behaviors, but they certainly were considerations that to her seemed very realistic and defensible. She thought that ”everybody uses everybody anyway...even friends". An odd sort of dichotomy emerged on all of these issues. Stephanie seemed to delight in building a wall of image but felt equal delight in having it penetrated. She commented on the memorable nature of experiences that required her to be honest and others to be honest with her. She seemed to desperately want people to penetrate her image and veneer in order to discover the innocent child within. Late in September a discussion occurred between Stephanie and myself that clearly showed the odd dynamics between wanting to put forth her "foolproof program” wedded with her desire to have her weak fronts pounced upon. Stephanie told me that she had something to show me. There was a glowing, what I would call genuine, smile on her face. She handed me a paper that she had written that had red ink commentary all through it and a 1.0 at the top. I knew that she had worked hard and long on the paper because it was for one of her professors for whom she had fond feelings-- you might say a "crush". She handed me the paper and laughed. She said ”Eleanor (the instructor) is so scrupulous. She found the loopholes and pointed them out". She went on to say, ”I love it. I gave her a chance to mess up with me, but she’s always consistent. I deserved the 1.0 and I’m glad she gave it to me. I would have been disappointed if she didn’t". I have never seen anyone so happy about getting a 1.0. Her behavior appeared to be genuine joy and not a false bravado. 121 Stephanie seemed to feel comfortable around negativity. She offered a lot of friction in the living situation and received it back in a gentler form. This type of interaction seemed like an old shoe to her. A certain abrasiveness or negativity would sometimes be present in her statements to others and yet she seemed uncommitted to her critical statements. On two separate occasions in September, Stephanie approached Mike and Dan, members of the Zenith Board, to share her confusions about herself. Mike and Dan each shared their concerns about Stephanie with me after their interactions with her. Each felt that Stephanie was in a difficult, almost crisis period and that she seemed over-ripe with unresolved issues. Dan is also a therapist and even considered taking her on as a client because of her evident need to process her state of confusion. By the last day of September, the spinning stopped for a moment of reflection when Stephanie shared with me that her experience at the Zenith Center had been both ”thrilling and sad”. She said, "I’m trying to be more positive and not so negative”. Stephanie did seem to be more positive after this. When I came by the house in October she often seemed more calm, more at peace and less "desperate" for my attention. She appeared a little more comfortable with herself. And yet it was a time of ups and downs. A few times she became quite angry with me over some topic we were discussing, and later she would come back to apologize. In particular, she told me that she has "got to learn how to express more without fear". Intertwined with her fear and anger was love. At a housemeeting in mid- October, the following dialogue characterizes this point. Stephanie: My anger really comes out with this group and all they do is love me back...it’s amazing. aahhh. (She got a big smile on her face and continued), It feels so good. 122 Margo: Yes, Stephanie. I’ve noticed the change in you. You released your f ace...lt’s softened. Stephanie: I’m becoming more positive, but I still feel inadequate with it. Stephanie was beginning to examine her need to be negative when it wasn’t met with resistance, but rather, was met with the force of love. I believe she was beginning to see what she could leave behind in her concept of self, but didn’t seem to yet have a vision of where she was going. In late October, she told me that she didn’t feel like she "fit in here”. She didn’t feel close to Heidi or Margo. She got along pretty well with Lance but her relationships didn’t seem to mean to her what relationships seemed to mean to others. She told me that "studies are more important to me than people". Stephanie also challenged me at this point. She was feeling that I could only respond to her in her role as a subject. She commented, in a very emotional conversation, that relationships were not that important to her but in the same conversation wanted me to break through the role which she perceived that I put her in to separate her from me as a ”real person”. This type of dichotomy was sprinkled liberally throughout Stephanie’s year of experience. Role and Behavior in Groups and Individual Relationships Stephanie felt very uncomfortable in group settings. Prior to a Zenith house meeting in early October, she remarked, "I don’t want to come to the meeting. I don’t like groups. If someone has something to share with me, they can do it individually.” She usually would attend the meetings, however, -- but she would often sit far away from the group (on the floor); might even lie on her back with the back of her head towards the group. There was nothing subtle about her discomfort in these situations. 123 Before living at the Zenith Center Stephanie had lived alone. We were acquaintances prior to her moving into the Center and becoming a subject in this study, and I remember her referring a number of times to how she loved living alone. Learning to share space with other people was a difficult task for her. She once commented that she felt like her privacy had been invaded. However, in that same conversation Heidi commented that Stephanie must feel invaded because her room was "the center of attention." Stephanie responded, ”Oh, that’s fine. I like that a lot". Once again, Stephanie’s issues seemed confusing - push and pull, approach and avoidance. Stephanie shared an example of this discomfort in groups in another setting -- her family home. Stephanie had gone home for Thanksgiving and had an experience with her family that she termed "typical". She said that the men in her family are fine individually, but in a group they take the ”macho men are real men" approach and women are less than them. She acknowledged that she found it difficult to assert herself with her family in the group. It irritated her. Although after a day of silent discomfort, she had an interesting conversation with her sister-in-law, Barbara, who said she also didn’t like it when they wouldn’t listen to her. Later, Stephanie decided to stand up to her brother; as she confronted him he listened to her. She thought that perhaps he was even a bit intimidated by her. Even though Stephanie admitted feeling threatened in groups, her interaction at the once-per-month Zenith Center house meeting changed significantly over the year. As time progressed, Stephanie seemed to become much more comfortable in the group setting. A major step of change occurred around January. Possibly increased familiarity with the housemeeting and the friendships she formed outside of the Zenith Center assisted her in relaxing in a group setting. Lance and Stephanie were becoming friends. They were both homosexual which gave them a point of bonding. Lance had "been out" for many years whereas 124 Stephanie was just beginning to explore her lesbian identity. They felt very much like each other. Both saw themselves and each other as "practical". Lance acted like a big brother to Stephanie. He would take her places where she could meet other lesbians and gay men. In particular, Stephanie began doing things with Lance and his two friends, Rick and Laura, who were also homosexuals. Stephanie commented on how much she liked them because they were intelligent, but still know how to have fun. She felt that these relationships really affected her attitudes about groups. She said, "I can just be myself instead of getting carried away by whoever is leading. I’m afraid of following and not holding my ground." Stephanie spent a lot of time with these new found friends. She started stopping by Smitty’s, a local restaurant-bar, in the afternoons to have a cup of coffee or a late lunch with part of ”the group". The group was composed of Rick, Laura and some other students who spent time with each other. Stephanie’s group of associates expanded and she seemed to be having the time of her life. It appeared that Stephanie was becoming much more at ease with groups of people. One might even say she was beginning to value the experience of being in a group of people-- well, at least she was considering that there may be some value there. One time she was humorously reflecting on her attitudes about groups and said, "I’m still uncomfortable in groups,... but at least I don’t dart through the living room anymore.” In terms of the living group, the dynamics between Stephanie and the others in the group were intense, a term mutually agreed upon. As I mentioned previously, Stephanie frequently added confrontation and debate to the interchange. Heidi and Margo often felt infringed upon by Stephanie’s style because they thought it was "a game -- a challenge for the sake of challenge and 125 not for understanding.” Margo, in particular, felt that her exchanges with Stephanie were repetitive. She felt that Stephanie constantly devalued her choice of career, her interest in the Zenith Center, and her spiritual pursuits through her style of questioning. Stephanie stated that she "didn’t realize the impact she was having", and in fact respected Margo and her choices very much. Lance, on the other hand, seeemed to enjoy the bantering and could become playful with Stephanie in a manipulative but very caring way. The practice of the bantering that had become commonplace around the house came to a head at a housemeeting on January 19th. Below is a dialogue clip from the meeting. Heidi: Do you think we’re really supporting each other by this process, (of bantering and challenge) because sometimes I don’t." Stephanie: Sometimes don’t. Margo: Yea, I don’t either. Stephanie: I felt supported. Margo: Of anybody I give support to - it’s you, Stephanie, as far as emotional involvement. Stephanie: I think so too, I think that Lance gives me a lot of support. Heidi too. A stillness set on the group as though a moment of piercing honesty had just surrounded Stephanie. It seems that Stephanie realized that she was not giving affection to others in the form of positive support but that others were loving her by supporting her through her moments of negativity and abrasiveness. Stephanie’s voice seemed to come from a deep, resonant place as she spoke a sort of philosophy to the group. In my own sense... in myself... I have not given a lot of support and it’s been from a general perception perceptive difficulty. I’ve felt er... a lie. I feel like I’ve been living this lie. The other day I said to myself, 126 "I don’t want to improve or help or change or increase anybody’s happiness in this world. If they’re not happy... tough shit.” That’s what I said to myself and I said "No, that’s a lie. That’s not what I want to do but that’s how I act. "And I thought, ”God-how foolish, what a waste of time... living to not help anybody. Not making anyone more happy.” Again, it was clear here that Stephanie remained confused. She knew what she wanted to give up but as yet had not formed a relatively consistent new image from which to act. Perhaps without realizing it, Stephanie was developing some intimacy with those in her living group; first by the self exposure displayed above and second, by little actions that didn’t go unnoticed. Immediately after Stephanie’s soliloquy above, Heidi warmly told Stephanie, "but these last couple of weeks you’ve really made a significant effort in doing dishes, picking things up, preparing that dinner (Stephanie prepared a dinner for some friends who were gathering for a poetry reading at the Zenith Center). That touched everyone here." Lance added, "that’s why I didn’t help you. That’s the first time you’ve dOne something like that. I knew it was going to be successful and I wanted it to be all yours.” Stephanie just smiled real wide and said, "Gee, I don’t know what to say. You’re all so supportive.” This deep introspection and heaviness marked the fall and winter for Stephanie within the living group. At the end of Winter, Margo moved out of the house to live on her own for awhile. Stephanie had set aside some of her antagonistic behaviors throughout the Winter and in addition, Margo, her primary target/partner in the bantering, was gone. Katherina moved into the vacated room. As Stephanie put it, "Katherina was a genuine, gentle person with seemingly no concept for intellectual gaming." Stephanie was quite taken by her and seemed to have a pleasant, innocent relationship with her. It became spring and the whole dynamics of the house took a breath of fresh air. Things were easier. There was still, however, one major 127 attachment to the past for Stephanie. Bantering was a frequent form of communication between her and Lance but in almost a haunting way she was trying to shake her previous role and image in the group. Within a week after Margo left, Stephanie and Lance had a big argument. I found her brooding in her room and I asked her if she wanted to talk. She told me that, ”Lance attacked me and I know he’s waiting for me to apologize and smooth it over like I always do... but I won’t". I asked her what they were fighting about. She said, You won’t believe this, but the physics involved with cutting baklava--whether to do it while it’s hot or cold. I told him there was physics involved and he kept asking me how much physics I’d had. He kept saying it over and over. Just the way he asked was like a put- down. This last comment is noteable in light of the feelings that Margo had tried to communicate to Stephanie about how she. felt "put down” by the way Stephanie asked questions. As Stephanie continued she sounded more and more like Margo giving her feedback only a few months earlier. She continued, ”I can’t believe he wanted to argue just for the sake of doing it over something silly. It’s irritating.” And then she came out with the big one. "He justs likes to argue about things and I just can’t get into it." After this day, Stephanie took the bantering pose now and again, but not nearly as frequently or as roughly. Her challenges were, more often than before, perceived as productive rather than "game-like.” As a result she seemed much more sure of herself and more comfortable in groups. In fact, in April, Katherina mentioned to me that Stephanie had asked her when the next housemeeting would be. That was a surprise but then again, not really given the progress that Stephanie had made. Over the year, Stephanie experienced a change of heart toward her living group and others with whom she interacted. 128 THE ADAPTATION PROCESS: STEPHANIE ROGERS This year in Stephanie’s life was marked by confusion, withdrawal and experimental action. Although Stephanie felt some sense of progress as she worked toward developing intimacy, the steps were rarely certain, consistent, or easy. In this year, Stephanie more fully examined her intimacy vs. isolation issue but did not emerge with commitment to a particular direction of resolve. Rather she emerged with more experience both good and bad. The three primary adaptation strategies used by Stephanie were: to withdraw from the overwhelming dissonance associated with her confusions, to explore her confusions with members of her growing support system, and to test out new actions in search of a place for an emerging identity. By implementing these adaptation strategies, Stephanie was able to manage her experience of a year in crisis. In this sense I will share with the reader some commentary about each of the strategies and review a week-long journal that Stephanie kept for the study, in order to assess her implementation of the strategies. Strategy #1 To Withdraw from the Overwhelming Dissonance The process of self examination can be very painful. A healthy, growing person may at times choose to "escape" from the sobering seriousness of the dissonance created by the developmental process. Defenses kept in balance, are temporary adaptations to an overwhelming situation. Stephanie indeed softened the blow of her growing pains through various withdrawal behaviors. She slept irregularly and often quite a bit. She would drink alcohol, admittedly to excess, at different points during the year. Stephanie would also use her school work as a reason to deny her need to feel. She stated "there isn’t time to feel, my time should be devoted to my academics.” 129 Stephanie also used fantasy as an escape. In particular, she identified two of her female professors that she was "in love with." These ”loves” occupied much of her energy but were unapproachable to her. She chose not to communicate any direct feelings toward them, but seemed satisfied to daydream about them and scheme ways to "see them." Ultimately she anonymously sent a gift of a necklace to one of them. Stephanie went to a private school as she was growing up. Learning groups were always small and she had a great deal of one-to-one contact with her teachers. It may be that the "crushes” she had on her college instructors were simply a need to feel that familiar closeness with her instructors as she had with her teachers while growing up. It may not be true that these crushes were any type of fantasy escape or unapproachable, safe love objects. With any explanation, however, it is evident that these feelings were isolating for Stephanie and reinforced a real separateness from the world of honest communication. Strategy #2: To Explore Confusions As the year progressed, Stephanie formed a growing support system. At first she shared her issues, troubles, and concerns mostly with Zenith residents, and board members and with me. Stephanie was very honest about acknowledging her weaknesses and confusions right from the start of the year. She did not pamper herself, but wanted to get right to the truth of a situation when she examined herself. This trait was present from the beginning of the year. She would seek out people from among "the trusted few" to share her self perceptions and to get feedback. She didn’t seem afraid to hear anything. Also she neither blanketly accepted feedback or rejected it. As she sought feedback and received it, she considered it carefully 130 before deciding what worth it had for her. This adaptation strategy served Stephanie very well. Strategy #3 To Test Out New Actions No matter how large Stephanie’s fear of intimacy appeared; she sporadically took action to confront her giant issue. Sometimes she wore the wreath of success, sometimes she fell. I did not notice much developmental progression of actions in terms of one dominant path of growth, but rather the actions were intermittant and experimental. Stephanie was testing out new behaviors and then relaxing to consider the fit. Stephanie started to develop a few new friendships that waivered in terms of importance to her. She also experienced a few short-lived intimate relationships with some new acquaintances. During this year, Stephanie began to party with groups of people on occasion. I asked her if she was having fun. Her return quip -- "As much fun as you can have talking to strangers, smoking and getting drunk." On a serious note she added, "it’s hard for me to meet people but I’m trying." Stephanie discovered a social/networking group of women in the community who gathered for a potluck once a month. The event was called First Fridays and usually drew 25-75 feminist and/or lesbian women together for a fun time and occasional program on the first Friday of every month. Stephanie fell in love with this group. I attended a function with her and she spent the evening initiating communication with women, laughing, discussing, and generally having a great time. In addition to behaviors which Stephanie exhibited which progressed her attempt to develop intimacy, she also reduced the number of behaviors that inhibited her intimacy. Stephanie less frequently participated in the "challenge for the sake of challenge" debate that had irritated Margo so much. In fact, in 131 April when Lance and she began on an old pattern of bantering, Stephanie got angry with him instead of playing along as she had in the past. Stephanie went beyond her own innate trial and error efforts. In April she attended a program at the Zenith Center on neuro-linguistic programing (NLP) which is a method of communication that is helpful in establishing rapport. She thought the particular t0pic was manipulation; actually the theme was negotiation. When it became time to pair off and practice the techniques, Stephanie by chance became paired with Liz, the woman who trained the man giving the workshop. She knew she "had to be honest with her because she would see right through me." She was honest; it was an experiment that felt good. Throughout the Spring, Stephanie initiated some other contacts with Liz at her office to receive additional assistance on her communication skills. Each time they met, she mentioned to me how honest she had to be with her. It was the NLP as she describes in her journal (p.136) which finally encouraged her to make her first statement in one of her classes. Also in the Spring, Stephanie initiated two events for the Zenith Center. First, she initiated a new activity at the Center called "artist of the month.” She talked about doing it for quite awhile with no progress and then all of a sudden in one week she planned and implemented it. Second, she also arranged a dinner for guests at a poetry reading at the house. These were the first actions she took to do a project that benefited others. Even though I have cited examples of actions that Stephanie took which illustrate her attempts to develop intimacy, the reader must keep in mind that these are behaviors sprinkled throughout like oil in water. The homogenizing process was primarily left for another year. The Journal : 132 Identification of Adaptation Strategies Below are entries from a journal kept by Stephanie for one week in March. A few lines were omitted for the sake of brevity, because they seemingly were of relative little significance; otherwise the journal appears nearly in its entirity. The journal display, with my accompanying commentary on the adaptation strategies employed, will give the reader an opportunity to view a typical week for Stephanie. It will hopefully increase the reader’s awareness of the time and pain involved in Stephanie’s confusions and painstaking actions. Examples and conclusions drawn throughout this paper could seem crisp and simple. The journal presented here may slow down the action for the reader’s perception to exhibit the tedious pace of the process of insight and change. Sunday 4:30 am. 5:00 am. 1:00 pm. Woke Lance to ask him to take me to the hospital since I had severe, unexplainable stomach/upper abdominal pains. The ambulance arrived (By this time Katherina was awake too. She was comforting me...trying to get me to calm down. I had broke out into a cold sweat and couldn’t walk. Calming down helped. I asked Lance to call my brother before the ambulance arrived. He didn’t though. But I found myself searching through memories to find comforting thoughts. I thought of Eleanor and then knew I wouldn’t die from this...I resolved that dying was not an option since I had not yet had a heart-to-heart with Eleanor.) The men checked my pulse and b.p. they said to call them back if I felt any worse pain. Woke up and asked Lance if he wanted to eat breakfast out. No pain like before. Kevin joined us. Had fresh Receiving Support Commitment to action, talk with Eleanor, not make ultimate withdrawal 4:00 pm. 8:30 pm. 10:20 pm. 12:00 12:35 am. 1:35 am. 4:00 am. Monday 1 1:40 am. 133 strawberries in heavy cream, scotch and milk, coffee (just a sip) and two poached eggs on a bed of broccoli, cauliflower, and cheese. Spoke with Kevin about Lianna , the movie. Lance and I saw it last night. Sad ending but it could’ve been worse. Nice love scenes a true-to-life-‘not too-thick plot showing most of the pitfalls of initial lesbian love Could be affairs. . helpful in exploring own affairs Kevin and I walked home alone in the rain. I felt like crying but Often used can’t and I won’t force it. I work as a have 900 pages to read and three reason to papers to write. not experience full emotion Naptime ' Slept often, another form of withdrawal Ate somebody’s ice cream and went to buy more. Sat down to do some reading and to eat. Studied for 1 1/2 hours. Took laundry off lines. Did dishes and made coffee. Came back to reading. Big wow, I’m on page 12. I need to brush my teeth. Took a break to get grape juice, do nails, eat pretzels and watch some of a war flick on MAX. Long movie. Gonna read the rest of this chapter then crash for a few. Shouldn’t sleep long, since I slept so long this afternoon. Yeah, sleep for a few. Well, I’m gonna miss class. Gotta hand in the paper today. See lie at 1:00. Got notice from Harvard Summer School. I’m In! 12:25 1:00 p.m. 2:00m p.m. 3:30 p.m. 4:15 p.m. 5:45 p.m. 7:15 p.m. 8:30 p.m. 134 Left to catch Anne coming from class. Missed her Liz D. She said to do 3 things, to mirror my targetted teacher to note the NLP behavior of three students and to mirror them. And to decide whether or not I’m gonna talk in class. (She suggested that maybe I like not talking in class) (No play- ing around with this women.) Went to drop off paper at Anne’s office. I stupidly asked her if it was late. She said yes of course. The bitch. Got home, ate ice cream and pizza and grape juice. Undecided. Wanna study, wanna sleep, wanna socialize. Got to have something tangible for Mary Martin tomorrow -- I’m way behind Finally get down to reading. But I’m undecided as to which -- reading for class discussions, or readings for book report -- to do first, and that implies to do at all. Talked to Leslie for 1/2 hour to 45 minutes. I really want to read cuz ’its’ so interesting. Lots of distractions though. Gonna try’n study again. Played guitar for 1 1/4 hours. I’m all played out. Cat’s looking intent- ly out window at birds and cars. Anne is a teacher upon whom she has a crush, plans fortuitous meetings to see her from afar. Use of escape fantasy. Processing learning Takes action to learn technique to help her interact more in class. Stops the action of presenting an image. Can’t do it with Liz Confused, inaction. Martin is a women’s history teacher. Confused inaction Non-directed focus, inaction. Tuesday 10:30ish 12:00 Wednesday 11:30- 12:20 5:00- 6:30 7:00- 9:00 9:30- 12:30 12:30- 8:00am Thursday 8:30 am. 11:30 11:45 12:30 135 woke up around 7am & went back to sleep really woke up. Went down to take shower. Lance in shower. Fight w/ Lance.He loses his temper. He’s a bad boy. going to class. NO READINGS DONE. SHIT. class dinner slept Got and gave a back massage. Took a walk w/Rhonda. Teeter-tattered. Talked of big buildings and the Zenith Center. Walked by Eleanor’s place. Her window was cracked. She was up in her ”Study". The house on the opposite corner is for sale. Sure wish I could buy it. Studied. Looked through books recently purchased for investigation on abortion and infanticide. Type up quotes. Watched TV simultaneously. That kept me awake. Has romantic fantasies of her professor. Stayed up all night. Wanted to sleep for an hour, I’d hoped. (then write the delivery for the class at the Union.) Slept ’till 11:00 Jesus, how am I gonna be ready for the presentation? Went to bank. Got money for Jennifer to borrow -- my homophobic friend. Prepared for presentation. Presented. I stammered, shifted Uncomfortable from foot to foot...um, er. ah.. still in group you see... gee do I feel dumb.. situation. uh I have to apologize for not being prepared...and then I told them all about abortion and infanti cide...as I went on, did I relax? 1:00-2:30 3:00 6:30-7:00 136 No, not until the end when people asked very good questions. Prof said she thought my presentation was good cuz it addressed the women’s perspective. Class talked about dykes in prison. Prof said she wouldn’t grade down much for my paper being late. Eleanor came to class followed by Ed. I didn’t notice the necklace until she was situated.The necklace. Goddamn! She’s wearing itIOh Jesus. Yes, with crimson it looks real nice. I like. Tried not to blush. Such class. Felt b.p. go up a couple of times. She fondles her jewelry,umm Such class. I had presumed it would go best with purple, but crimson was quite appropriate.1 felt elated that something I had envisioned as a wonderful idea was bettered by Eleanor. Two more things to mention. First, entirely unplanned as it was, I spoke for the first time all term. (thank you Liz) - in class. It was near the end of class and I asked Donna if she liked the book. My exact words following her "book report" less a conclusion were ”Did YOU like it?” I forgot her answer. I have now spoken in class. Moreover, throughout the 3 book reports and the whole class, I was "mirroring" (subtlely) students so it came across (to whom beside myself, I don’t really know) as if I was really in tune with class more. Found myself eating with the other Zenith Center residents. Cheryl came over walked to Bran Restaurant. She is the only non-Zenith person who knows about the necklace. She thinks I should talk to Eleanor. Cheryl’s brother is dyslexic. We spoke of writing of the future of relationships, of parents of dyke dom.She drive me home. Eleanor was still up. Came home and poured Often turned papers in late Demands seemed to immobilize her into inaction at times. Anonamously sent Eleanor a necklace, more fantasy & affection from afar. Puts Eleanor on a pedestal. Separates her by seeing her as an idol. Used NLP, new strategy to bring her into class more. New support person Admittedly, drinking,as 137 another drink. By the time form of with- I went to sleep I was blitzed. drawal was a problem Friday 9:30 am. Cars to noisy to sleep anymore. 10:40 Type up e.e. cummings poem on note card. "Be of Love" Be of love (a little) More careful Than of everything guard her perhaps only A trifle less , (merely beyond how very) closely than Nothing, remember love by frequent anguish (image ‘ Her least never with most memory) give entirely each Forever its freedom (Dare until a flower, understanding sizelessly sunlight Open what thousandth way and discover laughing) ' e.e. cummings 11:00 am. Appointment with Liz. I updated the situation in class. She told me of the NLP belief system: things like, the Map is not the territory, any New action, behavior is useful only in context positive of the communication it elicits. experience It all felt very good-right and made sense. In class, the primary thing is that I am drawn more into the flow by mirroring. 11:40 am. Got to class late 12:40 p.m. Came home 1:45 p.m. Dentist app’t. 3:30 ish Napped 7:30 p.m. Got up decided to go to the Library. Made a thermos of coffee. Played with phone bill for an hour or more. 10:30 p.m. Gonna take a walk or bike ride. The final type of withdrawal used by Stephanie was romantic fantasy. Stephanie wanted to develop intimacy with others in her life, but she chose love objects who were quite distant from her. In particular, Stephanie felt that she 138 was in love with two of her professors. Part of the "crush" was for fun as the other housemates on occasion teased her about it. When it got right down to it on serious conversation, she expressed that the love was for real and not just for fun at all. I saw this as a form of withdrawal into a fantasy of developing intimacy. Perhaps the experience even served as a rehearsal for future approachable love relationships. In any case, she did not act on these feelings of love in any way that would encourage the development of genuine feelings of love. She did not want to acknowledge these feelings to the women for whom she had them. They remained in her private sanctuary. Stephanie regularly explored her confusions and thoughts with her housemates -- Lance, Heidi, and Margo, and with me. About February she began opening up to others as well -- Cheryl, her friend, and Liz, a learning counselor. l was always quite amazed at how frank Stephanie would be in her conversations with these people. Exploring her confusions with others, became one of her strongest assets for adapting to her changes because of the self-honesty with which she approached. sharing. She seemed quite open to describe her situation and shared her feelings with almost ruthless honesty in pursuit of understanding, even if the sharings might reflect poorly on her. Through her conversations with Liz, Stephanie was able to speak up in class where before she felt most timid. She began doing more social activities during the winter. She also began giving more support to her housemates. She admitted to "learning a lot from the people at the Zenith Center." In fact, she even began doing some yoga which was an entirely new experience for her. In general, Stephanie’s actions involved reaching out for resources that could be helpful to her and testing out some of her new insights, and experiencing a tentative sense of growth. 139 The strategies that Stephanie employed moved her through a period of time that involved personal change. The next section will be a presentation of the evidence of change. THE CHANGES: STEPHANIE ROGERS Stephanie changed throughout the year, she confronted her issue, and she progressed. The type of progress made by Stephanie was not the kind typically referred to when one says that someone has grown a lot, thus indicating that a new pattern has fallen into place and a direction has occurred. Stephanie, during the year of study, had not yet arrived at that point. For Stephanie, the year was one where she went deeper...one where she introduced confusion with only minor resolves scattered here and there. This type of experience does not appear to be as rewarding as a year when an identity resolidifies and when things just "start going right." Stephanie’s experience was quite heroic in many ways. In her attempt to confront the giant, Stephanie sometimes did battle, sometimes withdrew, and sometimes was so confused she didn’t know what to do...or think...or feel. I would describe Stephanie as at a turning point filled with the dissonance necessary to change the direction of her craft. After living alone for years, choosing to live at the Zenith Center with other people was a choice that hastened her self-examination process. When Stephanie first moved into the house, she began to experience some friction with the other housemates. Some anger and negativity came out with each of them. By the end of the first month, Stephanie commented that she was trying to be more positive. Indeed she was trying. A few times after that comment Stephanie found herself being negative with me about the Zenith Center or about something I was doing and would later come back to me and apologize for her display. As the year went on, this energetic negative 140 criticism followed by an apology was replaced by less emotional, less severe, and less frequent sharing of criticisms. One day in mid-October, Stephanie told me that she had "a lot to learn about how to express more without fear”, particularly her fear of authority. As referred to earlier in this case (p. 121), later that evening at the first house meeting Stephanie told the group that ”my anger really comes out with this group and all they do is love me back. It’s amazing." She tilted her head back, smiled and said, "aahhh...it feels so good.” At this point Margo commented that she had noticed the change in Stephanie. She said, "you released your face, it’s softened." Stephanie too felt that she had changed, but had a way to go, "I’m becoming more positive, but I still feel inadequate." Stephanie was able to continue to express herself more positively but also held on to her negative and sometimes abrasive interpretations of events. She was trying to be more positive, but the patterns of negative thinking seemed to haunt her. Her way of seeing life was hard to shake. By the end of fall, Stephanie believed that she had begun to learn how to be more comfortable in groups. She described her progress as, ”I still feel uncomfortable in a group setting but I don’t dart through the living room anymore. I’m uncomfortable talking with pe0ple more than one to one, but I do it now. It seems to be getting easier.” Through taking action, Stephanie began to put herself in situations that required her to interact with others. As she continued to do this, the situations became "easier" for her. In January, I asked Stephanie how she saw herself in the future. She thought she would be "gentle but outgoing, and sensitive." She also thought that she would describe her life during the first three months of this study as a time when she "became conscious." In a sense she became conscious of the difference between the person she had been and the person she wanted to become. Honest 141 examination was the tool that Stephanie used to catalyze her change process. She pointed out to me one time a quote by Doris Lessing that had become special to her. The quote is, "If we can be honest with ourselves then maybe we can change." Stephanie was certainly investing a lot of herself in that philosophy. As referred to earlier in this case study (p. 126), at a housemeeting Stephanie revealed a confrontation she had ‘made to herself focusing on how her actions were differing from her thoughts and feelings. She said, I feel like I’ve been living this lie. The other day I said to myself that I don’t want to improve or help or change or increase anybody’s happiness in this world. If they’re not happy, tough shit. That’s what I said to myself and I said no -- that’s a lie. That’s not what I want to do, but that’s how I act. From the above quote and the statement that Stephanie made of her future vision, it’s clear that Stephanie can envision the change she wants to make, at least at times. Having her action be consistent with that vision would continue to require trial-and-error and feedback from her support system. This is what occurred in some off and on fashion throughout the winter. When spring arrived _ so did an opportunity to assert the results of her winter soul searching. The argument with Lance about how to cut the baklava (p. 127) was a chance for Stephanie to assert herself and to change her behavior with her bantering partner. She thought that Lance was ”arguing for the sake of arguing...over something silly.” This was something that she had been accused of in January by Heidi and Margo and it’s something that I also had noticed. On this day in April however, she simply could not relate to the behavior, saw it as childish, and refused to participate. I did from time to time later see her engage in this type of debate, but it was "gentler and more sensitive." 142 Even though erratic experiences did occur that reduced her expressions of fear and anger through debate and increased her sensitivity to others, the new ’vision was not yet a full sweeping wave. On 4-4-84 Stephanie stated how positive she felt about her support group at the Zenith Center and how they inspired her to study. She seemed to truly be holding'and expressing value for those relationships. However, a few days later Heidi took a message from a professor for Stephanie because Heidi would have had to disrupt a meeting to give her the message. When Heidi finally gave Stephanie the message, Stephanie yelled as loudly as I’d ever heard her, "Why didn’t you come get me so I could talk to him. Don’t ever do that again when a prof calls...that’s all I gotll" This moment seemed raw with emotion. Margo was also in the kitchen with Heidi, Stephanie, and myself. It was an awkward moment for each of us. Stephanie looked each of us in the eyes, put her head down and in a calmer voice said, "Well, they mean a lot to me." In the heat of the emotional moment, Stephanie didn’t seem to give value to the rich sharing relationships that she had with Heidi, Margo, and me for that matter. I do not want to speculate too much on what may have been going on for Stephanie at that moment, but she looked at each of us with a long look before she made the statement which took "that’s all I got," to "well...they mean a lot to me." Uncertainty about the meaning of relationships remained with Stephanie throughout the year. Summary I would characterize the changes that Stephanie made during the year of study as going deeper into confusion by examining her issue of developing intimacy with others. She tried out many new behaviors in relationships which. would be thought of as risky for her. Stephanie confronted her habitual thought process, feelings, and behaviors which tended to keep her separate from others. By 143 recognizing the mammoth nature of Stephanie’s fears about relationships, one must admire the courage that she displayed in her developmental quest. She had a lot of support from others at the Zenith Center and she had a high level of internal ethics for self-examination honesty. Stephanie was beginning to see a new image for herself on the horizon, but she still wasn’t quite sure that she wanted to be with people more often and to care more about them. I don’t think she saw that image as a qualitatively bad one for her, but rather she didn’t know-if she could bear the pain involved with getting there. During this year of study, she seems to have set a solid foundation for new, more natural intimate behaviors to emerge. LANCE JOHNSON Profile Summary Lance was twenty-eight years old at the time of the study. He was a telecommunications major with a junior status; however, his commitment to completing the degree remained uncertain during the year. Lance did not register for classes for the fall or winter terms, but did attend classes in the spring. Through a few part-time jobs as a clerk at a furniture store and a data compiler for a research firm, Lance supported himself financially. He was very close to Stephanie, a Zenith Center resident, and also enjoyed his social contacts through the Gay/Lesbian Council at the local university. ISSUE OF CONFLICT AND PERSONAL CHANGE Lance was the last of the four subjects to join the Zenith Center. He saw signs on campus announcing an available room for rent at a Center for Personal Growth. He immediately felt drawn to respond to the ad and just as quickly said yes to the room when he visited the house. Even with all the immediacy he still found it difficult to share with me why he wanted to be part of the Center at this time. Eventually he settled on the word "potential." The experience of the year at the Zenith Center was much different for Lance than for the other subjects. Each of the other three had many traumatic crises, support and eventually growthful change. Lance’s year was not so mobile. His experience was one of primarily preserving and defending his current identity with perhaps one eye open for entertaining the idea of change. His primary issue was to consider possibilities for personal change vs. to preserve the current identity. 144 145 In general, Lance was very private. Our meetings did not occur naturally very frequently, which necessitated more contrived situations. When we did talk privately, Lance found it comfortable to speak of ideas, events, and even philosophy. He rarely spoke of his feelings. Nonetheless, our interactions did reveal some themes and repetitive support data for his primary issue during the year of study. Issue: To Consider Possibilities for Personal Change vs. to Preserve the Current Identity I would use the words preserving and defending to describe Lance at the beginning of the year. These descriptors are not meant to conjure up a sense of aggressiveness, but rather, a firm preserving of the status quo. Lance, a homosexual man, "came out" a few years prior to the start of this study. Entering the gay world for him was exciting and somewhat tumultuous. He found himself being very social and dating many men. Often he found that they felt much more for him than he did for them. He thought that he was probably beginning to get a reputation as a heartbreaker and that notion hurt him badly, he felt guilty. He backed off from the social whirlwind and quieted his life for awhile. He needed to return to a "feeling of safety and ok-ness." During this preserving period, Lance held much inside. In groups at the Zenith Center he most commonly took the role of group processer and very skillfully helped others to explore their issues, but rarely initiated topics of his own. When, on occasion, he did initiate a change in the direction of conversation he usually talked about an idea, concept or event. Lance did not share his feelings or self reveal on a personal level much at all fall term. He seemed to share "safe" talk. 146 At a housemeeting right after Thanksgiving I asked the subjects how their holidays went and in particular their thoughts about being with family. Lance was the last to speak. He told us about his family going to a movie together. He said, It was really bizarre. I stepped back and watched the whole thing happen. I noticed that my family always talks about ’saf e’ things. The whole time that we interacted in the car and the theater lobby, the conversation about what everyone was doing, the kids, and that sort of thing. I’m not saying it was bad or superficial, just interesting to me that our family interacts this way. Lance also chose to share a story of a second event from the weekend that seemed to open his awareness to his upbringing around the trait of being open with others. He told of how he was riding in the car alone with his father when his father said, "You know Lance, your mother’s family is kind of odd...they have a lot of marital troubles." Then his dad turned and looked at Lance. Lance thought that he was hinting for Lance to ask if he and his mother were having trouble. Lance told me, "dad didn’t pursue it..and I didn’t ask. But it did seem like he really wanted to talk." In this case perhaps like father like son, Lance seemed to be blocked in terms of open, warm, self revealing sharing with others. He was beginning to make acknowledgments about this part of his current identity, but had not at this point put it into a path of something that he wanted to change. Fall term this aspect of his personality was taking on a new visibility. Earlier that same day (ll-18-83) Lance had an interaction that personalized the concern of ”safety." Lance and I were in the livingroom. Steve, a friend of Stephanie’s that also was getting to know Lance, came to the house. Lance seemed genuinely happy to see Steve and they exchanged greetings and then Steve said, "What, no hug?" And then Lance said, ”You bet I’ve got a hug for you." He gave Steve a warm embrace, parted a bit and then embraced him again. I remember 147 thinking that this was the first time that I had seen Lance show affection physically for another. He had not been much of a toucher, but seemed comfortable letting Steve know in this way that he was glad to see him. Five months later on April 26, 1984, almost a month after Margo had moved out of the Zenith Center, she stopped by to visit. When Lance saw her come into the door he immediately moved to her and gave her a big hug. Later Margo mentioned to me, "I was so surprised that Lance initiated a hug towards me. He’s never done that before.” For Lance, who originally didn’t know why he came to live at the Zenith Center and didn’t have any great plans for changing in any specific ways or even at all, a bud of an issue was beginning to appear. Perhaps...just perhaps he would like to share more on an emotional level but then, that can be such a risk and the last time he did that (when he first came out) the consequences were painful. The issue for Lance seemed clear. Does he want to entertain possibilities for personal change and be willing to take risks again or would be rather preserve his identity as it is? Lance was very calm, rational, analytical, and non-judgmental. What havoc and benefits might opening to his emotional self bring? On January 3, 1984, Lance first began to verbalize the potential for change in his life. He had been thinking about self changes over the Christmas holiday. He spent time with family and sometime by himself. I asked if he now had any thoughts about why he was at the Zenith Center since in the fall he couldn’t identify a reason. He said, "Perhaps I joined the Zenith Center to deal more with my emotional side, I don’t think I consciously acknowledged that at the beginning, but in retrospect I think I knew that that was what I needed.” When asked who he was closest to at the center, he quickly answered, "Stephanie." I observed the two of them often debating ideas and exchanging 148 intellectual quips. Lance playfully referred to it one time as "bantering.” He mentioned that he liked Heidi very much but felt less in common with her. He commented, "When Heidi shares with me I don’t feel like I’ve earned it. She shares so much emotion with everybody. I wonder how she can do that." But all in all, Lance by his own acknowledgment hadn’t "spent much time with anyone so far this yearf Lance did, however, spend some social time with two friends of his, Rick and Laura. On occasions he would meet them at a local restaurant for food and drink or they might party at someone’s home. By late fall, though, Lance had begun to become uncomfortable with them. He thought that they were very "materialistic." They would talk about brand names of clothes and how expensive their possessions were. This really offended Lance. At the end of the year this strong negative reaction to materialism became woven into a major conflict that he had about career ambition. He felt very immobilized concerning any career drive. Later observations suggested that he was very concerned about how money changes people and he didn’t want to change. He did not want to be materialistic and since being successful in a career seemed to him to lead to materialism, he had no desire to move in that direction. Even though he had considered going back to school in the winter, he decided not to because he was not ready to perform. Basically Lance was in a holding pattern although hints of a new way were sprinkled here and there in his life. Many of Lance’s activities in the early phase of the study, seemed to be preserving, defending types of activities -- those that tended to stabilize and strengthen the status quo. Lance’s New Year’s resolutions were to strengthen and build his body, to make more efficient use of his time, and to budget his money. One resolution which seemed expansive and inviting of change was that he wanted to travel on breaks from school. Later in January Lance attended a Tai Chi 149 workshop. He actively participated, but was a bit disappointed because he thought that Tai Chi was a martial art and not a gentle movement art as was presented in the workshop. He was interested in a defense practice, not a spiritual/emotional practice. January was a diverse month for Lance. He continued with identity preserving behaviors in many ways--discussing feelings and issues of others while not sharing his own, not wanting to make decisions about his career, not initiating any new close relationships, spending much time by himself, and entering debate- type interactions with Stephanie, his closest friend at the Zenith Center. However, in a taped housemeeting on January 6, 1984, Lance revealed that he had begun to consider possibilities for some changes in his life. Lance believed that living with others in an environment conducive to growth, gave him an opportunity to judge himself in relation to others. He said, "I can observe how I interact or how I can’t. I really have a paucity of spirit in being able to interact. I do not share a lot. Sometimes I feel like there’s nothing there to share. I’m getting comfortable with that. I don’t see any way out by fighting.” Here Lance acknowledges his assessment to the group and also the fact that he could accept his behavior of not sharing much. He continued, ”but I do feel hopeful because I’m in the best of possible places to open up to more people, which right now I don’t do much of ever. Prior to this year, I thought that given the chance I would open up a lot, but I found it’s not easy...and I admit I haven’t tried hard enough.” Here Lance considers the possibility that he is in an environment that is conducive to his self revealing, but as he said, "it is not easy." Lance continued to share his fears involved with opening up to change. He said, 150 I don’t want to surrender to this idea of sharing more and have it become too massive. I’d be overwhelmed. At this time it wouldn’t be sincere either. I don’t want to share more because I think I’m suppose to, rather than because I want to. First. I felt very conspicuous here because you all seemed so open. It was easy for you to talk and share. I was also very defensive and have recently released a lot of that, but I didn’t want anybody to try too hard to open me up. Here Lance spoke to the self-consciousness that he was experiencing which commonly accompanies the preoccupation of change. Lance then reflected back on his motivation for being at the Zenith Center, which he only recently had been able to verbalize: At the time when I wanted to live here, I was feeling that I wanted to be this loving and open person, which I translated as I wanted to be more loved. Now I see that the two are closely connected. I know that I made the right start coming here. To get one I had to do the other. This experience has given me clear insight about how honest I need to be , although when I get exacerbated, I close off. Insight seems to be a great gain for Lance. He began the year at the Zenith Center not quite knowing why he was there and slowly awareness came to him about habits in his personality that he’d like to leave behind. It is interesting to note that while Lance was telling the group about his difficulty with sharing, he was in actuality...sharing. He went on later in the evening to talk about the process of change. These statements are a response he made to Heidi on a confusing concern for which she requested some help from the group. Lance responded: A sense of security springs from thinking you know who you are...your habitual patterns of thinking about yourself. If you get a new look at yourself ...if something causes you to look at yourself in a new way, it can be deeply disturbing. You have to think in new ways...you feel different. You are not what you were. It’s almost a trauma...it’s very upsetting at first. 151 Given time, help, and the right support at the right time, you can make the change. All of a sudden you look at yourself and think, this is how everybody else has been seeing me? All of a sudden not only you look different, but also everybody else is dislocated in relation to you. It’s very primordial. It’s like losing your mother in the department store. Here Lance identifies some of the very basic fears he has in opening up to change. Even though he has identified some possibilities for change, which he regards as positive behaviors, getting there is perceived as painful and alien. Thus Lance’s ambivalence in the issue, to consider possibilities for change vs. to preserve the current identity is easy to understand when the forces of the issue are clarified. ADAPTATION STRATEGIES Strategy #1: To Choose an Environment Conducive to Growth A strategy that helped Lance to tip the balance of his issue in favor of developmental growth was for him to actually make the choice to live at the Zenith Center. He was in a state of immobilization in terms of the issue at the start of the study, but something internal made him choose and then follow- through on his choice to live in a perceived growthful environment. He often identified the Zenith Center as "conducive to growth”, a quality he appreciated. Strategy #2: To Form Relationships That Provide Support and Modeling Although Lance spent much time to himself and didn’t form tightly bonded relationships with the other subjects, he did form what one might call ”loosely coupled” relationships. He gave support to each of the residents, but still held back on his own sharing; although, he did begin to open up more as the year progressed. 152 He especially talked with the group concerning his issue on sharing. Each subject reported how valuable Lance’s input and feedback had been to them at times when they had been troubled. Even though Lance was not able to "feel with" his housemates, he was still able to show them that he "cared about" them. His closest relationship had been with Stephanie. They often debated playfully, but with vigor, about a number of topics. Generally this served both their needs for intellectual stimulation and an enjoyable exchange that didn’t directly involve the sharing of emotion. Relationships seemed to be very important to Lance even though they remained a step away from close, intimate friendships. Something still appeared to be blocked. While Lance was able to witness much rich sharing of emotion by observing others in the house, he was only able to show his caring by being very helpful to others. Yet there still existed a desire within him to share feelings more directly and naturally. Surrounding oneself with models of desired behavior can have a positive effect though and Lance seemed to increasingly be able to verbalize his own feelings and concerns. Strategy #3: To Try Exploratory Activities In the spring Lance took a theater class. I went with him one day to observe and found it fascinating. As soon as the students entered the class, they put on white, expressionless full-face masks...and so did I. For the main body of the class, the instructor would call out a name, feeling, or object and the students would "be" the called out term. For instance, the instructor called out; Abraham Lincoln, love, rage, blustery wind, and mountain stream among others. I was quite amazed at how readily and easily Lance participated in being these people, feelings, and things. He was very fluid and creative with his movements. When the instructor inquired about the experience after a few episodes, Lance was the 153 first to tell the class how he felt. His words were poetic and gentle. After more episodes, the instructor inquired again and Lance again readily shared at the feeling level. A I conjured from this, that perhaps Lance felt safer sharing in this situation. It could have been the protection of the masks, the anonymity of not seeming to be particularly close to any of his classmates, or perhaps the structure and guidance provided by the instructor. Whatever the reason, Lance’s choice of this type of experience assisted him in the exploration of his issue concerning change or preservation. Summary - Strategies The strategies used by Lance-~to choose an environment conducive to growth, to form relationships that provide support and modeling, and to try exploratory activities «helped to move him from a stuck, immobilized position. To move in the issue, to consider possibilities for personal change vs. to preserve the current identity, Lance needed to surround himself with examples of the possibilities for change. He needed a vision of how he might change and what that would be like. This period of time was vague for him and perhaps that was just perfect. Following a rough coming out period, he knew who he didn’t want to be, but he didn’t know who he did want to be. It was a time to scratch the surface of awareness, not necessarily a time for action to be taken. The strategies used by Lance brought options and possibilities into his vision for consideration. The CHANGES - LANCE JOHNSON I found it difficult to sense the changes that were occurring for Lance throughout the year. Only a few changes were behaviorally observable. He initiated a bug with Margo, he shared a bit more of his feelings, and he tried a 154 few new experiences. He also began having an unusual number of flashbacks of past events.‘ According to Gould (1978), times of developmental transition provide the battle ground for the adult consciousness to challenge the childhood consciousness. Events of the past often become reexamined from the perspective of the maturing adult. Mostly, Lance’s changes were occurring inside of his head. His thoughts seemed to be formulating in new ways as thoughts of past events were considered in terms of his new values and released. Given that Lance was withdrawing a bit to be with the conservation that was going on inside of him, and also given his private nature, the evidence of change was not readily observable. The commentary presented here primarily comes from a meeting held on June 6, 1984, when I invited the subjects tell about their changes. All of the subjects felt that the Spring had been a much happier time for them. Lance had once again started playing volleyball with the campus gay/lesbian student organization and so he was getting out and meeting new people again. He felt that the Zenith experience had a way of "rounding out my perspective." He said, I not only dealt with others, but deeply dealt with myself. The support group here was very important to me. I knew what I was getting back was not superficial and I guess that is why I got into this. You can’t live with just your own conception of self. I now prefer getting feedback from others. It may not be totally valid, but it’s useful. A consensus outside of the self helps one to learn what to look at inside the self and you can see how it bounces off others. The process involves a lot of honesty and depth. Lance here begins to show how he was reformulating his value system around the importance he was giving to people in his life. His old behavior of not being open and sharing did not appear congruent with his new valuing of relationships involving honesty and feedback. It was the dissonance of this 155 incongruence that wedged into his issue and made him choose sides...he moved toward growth and change...away from preserving the previous identity. Later in the meeting, Lance gave Margo some feedback that reflected on his own emerging views on sharing ones thoughts. He said, "when you hold back and then all of a sudden you break it (a non-pleasing thought) to them...what you’re sharing comes as a shock and can be painful. If you clarify as you go then it’s not such an abrupt conflict. Discussion of concerns start right away before the conflict gets too much momentum." He went on to explain how the Zenith Center residents weren’t so open with each other at the beginning because, "we were trying to keep things smooth." "But," he added, "I feel better about being honest immediately with the next people I live with--letting them know who I am, how I feel right away. I’ll open up more. I’m more confident presenting myself and being sensitive to others." At this point in the dialogue, Lance began to envision his next living arrangement which would begin about three months after the date of this june 6th meeting. In his anticipation, he saw putting into practice those behaviors that he had come to value. Later in the meeting, Lance brought up a learning experience that seemed to reflect back on his coming out memories which were tumultuous. He had felt guilty for not being as interested in the men he was dating as they were in him. That experience seemed to encourage withdrawal and a low-risk profile. He said, I want to express what I’m not feeling as what I am feeling. I feel more relaxed about that now. I can relate to people but I don’t need to push it. I’m a lot more comfortable, more spontaneous, and a little bit more confident about expressing myself. That’s more the discovery, growth, and change. Actually not so much growth as not being clogged and static anymore. 156 Indeed Lance seemed to be in the stuck position at the beginning of the year. He was not flowing, feeling whole. Again this self-reflection reinforces the observation on my part. Lance went from stuck to unstuck during the year, but thoughts of new behaviors still needed to be field tested with action. However, that would be developmental work for another year. Lance revealed how it was that this "stuekness" became such an immobilizing blockage for him. He said, I would hold back in certain types of situations--see them as a type that would remind me of other situations. I’d say that’s how that worked and that was stagnation. So it was safer to react by holding back. The thought of going through that again seemed too hard. But now I think--I’m just ’gonna’ take a chance. Actually a variety of responses can occur. By not holding back there’s a pretty good balance between good and bad responses. I feel stronger about continuing to open up. The wounded warrior has decided that perhaps it is okay to enter the field again. He was a bit battered, very much wiser and seemed to have missed a feeling of meaning that accompanies risk. Near the end of the meeting, he again shared imaginings of his future and began to think in terms of the actions that are necessary to his moving as he wishes. He shared, I have many more questions of myself, but I have a new perspective now. I’m getting clearer on what I want to do with school which is tied to how I feel about myself. I’m understanding more about the value of decisions in these matters. I understand why I haven’t made decisions--my hesitations. But now I feel a little bit more like gambling. I feel more relaxed about it and it doesn’t seem like such a big threatening problem. I’ve gained insight about what I need to do to change. I now know how to use what I have in my environment to help me get things done. I’ve learned self-discipline. I have this inner 157 sense of what needs to be done. It’s not really me doing it, but rather submitting to an idea. Lance continued, "Earlier I thought if I just waited patiently enough, it would appear to you what to do. Now I realize there is a certain energy you have to generate yourself. You say yes I’m going to do this. You choose a path." Here Lance commented on the necessity of his own energy guiding his life. He acknowledged his own respOnsibility for taking action. He continued, I thought that committing myself in a career direction or educational choice meant giving up something. I viewed a lot of career paths as being strictly materially beneficial or else in a strict, narrow discipline. That scared me because I didn’t want to be confined. Now I don’t feel that you have to be confined, that is, with conscious effort. If it is possible to avoid material or discipline confinement at all, then it’s possible to avoid it anywhere. That realization freed up a lot of energy. I’m more confident now that I can succeed in those areas most attractive to me...even if in the material world. I can’t deny the material world and that understanding frees up energy which makes me more confident. I have a willingness and feel daring. I’m ready to make those steps now. It’s time for me to make larger choices which will mean giving up other paths and other large directions that could be explored. Here Lance seemed to have renewed enthusiasm for taking action. The possibility of personal change seemed realistic and even inviting. Summary In this meeting of June 6, 1984, Lance clarified the perceptions that led him to feeling stuck--expecting to notice the direction his life took, rather than directing it; not wanting to "choose out" any possibilities which would leave him feeling confined; avoiding materialism; and believing that current risks were 158 similar to previous risks that turned out badly. Lance shared with the group, as quoted above, his assessment of the assumptions which had been the filter of his experience for awhile and how he began to find fallacy in their operation. By the end of the year, Lance had begun to have a vision of a new identity that would allow him to interact differently with people and to feel more deeply about them. He began to verbalize about action that he wanted to begin to take in his new living situation. Actually the anticipated changes weren’t all futuristic. Lance had slowly begun to share quite a bit with his housemates at the Center. He seemed to have both given and received love that he had stated that he needed at this time. The love, the modeling, the new experiences, the conflict, the harmony and probably other unnameable, unobservable factors came together to support Lance through the ambivalence of his issue as he chose growth over preserving of the former identity. CHAPTER 5 CONCLUSIONS Introduction This study views the experience of developmental change in the lives of the four Subjects and their adaptation to that change. In this Chapter I present the conclusions drawn from the findings of the investigation. I review each subject in the context of the research questions: 1. What are the issues of conflict and personal change that emerged for the subject during the year of study. 2. How did the subject approach the adaptation process to emergent issues? 3. What are the evidences of personal change for the subject that led to anoverall sense of growth or deterioration over the course of the year? Based on the summary of findings, implications of the research are stated in this chapter. Further I found that combining the bits of information about the change process that occurred for each subject during the year with self-report information on the issues and concerns of their recent past, resulted in a continuous model of the developmental change process. Finally this chapter concludes with statements of implication for future research. Further research could include longer term study, more subjects, greater diversity of subjects, and considerations of how one’s period in history may affect the process of developmental change. 159 160 Case Study Summaries In this concluding chapter I present a synopsis of each subject which includes key descriptions and summaries of the answers to the research questions. Following the summaries the reader may gain a composite view of the outcomes vis-a-vis the chart on page 176 that compares subjects on the dimensions of issues, adaptation strategies, and change. LANCE JOHNSON Lance began the year of study with a dulled notion that he may be ready for some changes in his life. He chose to live at a Center for Personal Growth but he couldn’t verbalize why. There seemed to be an internal yearning for growth that spirited him onward, but the voice inside was too muffled to be clearly heard. Much, of Lance’s energy was spent preserving the status quo -- defending his current identity. As the year progressed, Lance began to consider the possibilities for change. The changes that first came into his field of vision involved his interactions with others. Lance was very congenial and appeared at ease with others; but, upon closer visual and audio observations, it was clear that Lance did not reveal much of his feelings and perSonal thought. Rather, Lance preferred to cover "safe" topics. He often talked about philosophy, events, or other people’s concerns. Lance moved into the Zenith Center in September, and by January he began to verbalize the discomfort he felt about his inability to share more deeply with others. (Lance continued to be relatively private throughout the year, but he did begin to share his concerns about his difficulty in letting people really know him. He did in fact begin to open up a bit, more but his primary gains were in the area of awareness of his issue. 161 By the end of the year study, Lance seemed to be very clear about the dimensions of his issue and also began to envision a new direction for himself not only in terms of sharing with others, but also some initial insights into the area of a career. Below is a summary Outline of the issues, adaptation, and changes that occurred for Lance Johnson. The Issue: Lance Johnson To Consider Possibilities for Personal Change vs. to Preserve the Current Identity. Lance seemed to know intuitively, before he could state verbally, that he was ready to change. A few months after the beginning of the study, Lance spoke both of people in his environment who self revealed easily and those who kept more private. And a few months after that, Lance personalized the issue and was able to state his own desire to share more personally as well as state the fears accompanying that desire Adaptation Strategies - Lance Johnson The strategies used by Lance helped to move him from a stuck, immobilized position where he preserved the current identity, to a place where he considered possibilities for personal change. Lance surrounded himself with examples of behaviors that could be possible for him. The stimulus helped him to envision a more fully developed identity. The strategies and commentary are listed here. 1. To Choose an Environment Conducive to Growth. Lance chose to live at a Center for Personal Growth. That environment included workshops, a newsletter, and networking groups that. existed for the purpose of growth. Although Lance did not frequently participate in the formal activities, he was in an environment where these opportunities were made known and 162 he could even observe these activities as a resident of the house without actually participating. 2. To Form Relationships that Provide Support and Modeling. Lance gave and received support from the other residents and he took some opportunities to explore his issue with them. In addition, they gave him much positive feedback on his helpfulness to them in discussing their own issues. Since the other subjects were fairly open sharers they often modeled a behavior that he was trying to actuate himself. 3. To Try Exploratory Activities. Lance .tried a f ew new ways to explore his emotions. He took a theater class that involved silently acting out emotions, people, and a variety of topics. This gave him a chance to experiment and experience in a safe environment. He also began sharing more personally at the house meetings and in the spring he began participating in social activities with the Gay/Lesbian student organization. The Changes - Lance Johnson Although Lance made some behavioral change - sharing a bit more of his feelings, trying some new exploratory - type activities -- mostly it seemed that his awareness was changing. He was reformulating the sense that he made of the world to include new values or at least a new commitment to a value for openness and sharing in relationships. He also began to assume a different career orientation. By the end of the year of study, Lance could envision himself acting on his new awareness when he left the Zenith Center to move in with new roommates. In his own words, he became "ready to take risks and trust again. 163 STEPHANIE ROGERS Stephanie struggled with the issue to develop intimacy vs. to remain separate. She took emotional risks and retreated into emotional solitude and emotional defensiveness. Her year would be characterized as one of confusion marked by efforts of trial. The Issue : Stephanie Rogers To Develop Intimacy vs. to RemainSeparate Component #1: Concept of Self in the Context of Relating to Others. Stephanie tried very seriously to present "the right image" to people. She knew that this was what she needed to do "to get her needs met -- to survive." With as much commitment, she seemed to enjoy having people break through that "right image" to discover the vulnerable Stephanie. Stephanie often formulated her concept of herself around the judgment of others. She worried a great deal about that judgment and she protected her inner self like a mother bear protects a cub. Stephanie was aware of her defensiveness and negativity; she wanted to be more positive, she wanted to fit in more. Component #2: Role and Behavior in Groups and Individual Relationships. Stephanie felt very uncomfortable in group settings at the beginning of the year. She admitted to feeling threatened in groups. As the year progressed, Stephanie felt more at ease in these situations. A behavior often exhibited within a group or with individuals was that of confrontation. Stephanie enjoyed and often instigated debate. At times, others accepted this focus of interaction whereas at other times it caused emotional discomfort. Stephanie identified her interest in reducing her 164 confrontive behaviors (or at least in changing the style of confrontation), but she became frustrated and confused with the difficulty of the task. Adaptation Strategies - Stephanie Rogers This year was difficult for Stephanie and she adapted to the challenge through withdrawal, exploring confusions, and experimental action. The three adaptation strategies used by Stephanie are described here. 1. To Withdraw from the Overwhelming Dissonance The process of self examination can be very painful and a growing person may choose to "escape" at times. Stephanie softened the blow of her growing pains though various withdrawal behaviors. She slept irregularly, often drank admittedly to excess at certain times in the year, and used the demands of her schoolwork as a reason to avoid feelings and intimacy with others. 2. To Explore Confusions As the year progressed, Stephanie formed a growing support system. At first she shared her issues, troubles, and confusions with both myself and the Zenith residents. Slowly, she began trusting others outside this immediate group. A remarkable trait of Stephanie’s was the honest way she could look at herself and get to the truth of her concerns during her self examination. The support of others and her own honesty, together became very adaptive for Stephanie. 165 3. To Test Out New Actions No matter how large Stephanie’s fear of intimacy appeared, she sporadically took action to break through her fears. Stephanie tried some new friendships and even an intimate relationship but they waivered in uncertainty. At the same time Stephanie was trying new behaviors to encourage intimacy, she also reduced some behaviors that inhibited her intimacy. She less frequently initiated confrontive debate. The Changes - Stephanie Rogers Stephanie changed throughout the year by confronting her issue and exploring it. The year was one where she went deeper, one where she introduced confusion with only minor resolves scattered throughout. To confront her issue Stephanie sometimes did battle, sometimes withdrew, and sometimes was so confused she didn’t know what to do...or think...or feel. For Stephanie, this was the process of going deeper into the facets of her issue. During the last three months of the study, she began to clarify the confusion. She had‘enough trials of behavior by scattergun approach, to know which ones were on target. The actions of on target behavior began to accumulate, . as a vision of a new identity became clear. She "became conscious" of the difference between who she was and who she wanted to be; the difference frustrated her. 166 ' HEIDI JONES Heidi entered the year of study on an upswing. Two years prior to September, 1983, Heidi had what she had termed a "breakdown." Following the period of breakdown, Heidi isolated herself from others. She also withdrew from most activities in her life. During this period of withdrawal, Heidi started to experiment with some new behaviors, but she found her new experiences confusing and non-directed. She often experienced anger about her past and her inability to cope’with and get her needs met in her present life. At the start of the study, Heidi was coming out of her state of anger and confusion, as a vision of a new identity began to form. Heidi could now see who she wanted to be and she could at least vaguely describe the new identity. Her year was one of clarifying a vision of the new identity and beginning to act on the new identity. The action was often encumbered and painful but nonetheless was present in a meaningful way. Issues - Heidi Jones 1. To Manage Self vs. to Be Controlled/Taken Care of By Others (particularly parents). Heidi struggled to assert independence from her parents , not only in observable interchanges, but also in the influence that past events with her parents seemed to control her present relationships with other people. Additional themes of the self management issue included: to establish a structure for use of time, priorities, values; to sustain her basic needs for clothing, shelter, and food through financial management, and develop more 167 emotional control in terms of when, how, and with whom to release her emotional feelings and reactions. 2. To Form Honest Relationships vs. to Remain Private and Superficial Perhaps the area of greatest risk for Heidi was her openness to and gentle pursuit of honest relationships. She actively worked at forming relationships built on deeper truths. This seemed possible as she came to know herself better. 3. To Initiate a Career Commitment vs. to Prolong the Irresponsibility of Youth The issue that most clearly moved Heidi’s self image from that of a child to that of an adult, was her growing career commitment. Heidi had seen herself as a child -- one who needed support from others, one who needed protection, and the one who was to receive. As Heidi’s career motivation began to activate and she actually "saw" herself as a teacher, she began to envision herself as responsible, supportive, and a care-giver. She seemed to feel great satisfaction in applying herself to the "productive work" of her teaching field experience. Adaptation Strategies - Heidi Jones The year of this study found Heidi in a rebuilding phase. A more authentic and purposeful personality for Heidi was emerging into the visible world. The way this happened involved the testing out of new behaviors, identification of 168 those that worked, and the stabilization of acceptable behaviors around a new sense-of identity. Heidi primarily used three strategies to move her adaptation process along its way: to develop support, to confront self and others, and to take action. The strategies are expanded upon below. 1. To Develop Support An obvious sense of support for Heidi came from the housemates at the Zenith Center, Dane (her boyfriend) and Linda (her best friend). Each of these people both affirmed and confronted Heidi on issues of conflict between them. In addition to the support of friends, Heidi also found resources in the local community and the university that offered her information and assistance helpful to her in her rebuilding phase. These resources included yoga workshops, a communication counselor, and Zenith Center membership. Heidi’s internal strength and her constant unfailing companion, her journal, completed her network of support. 2. To Confront Self and Others Prior. to this year, Heidi commonly exhibited behaviors that would please others. She chose safety at the cost of personal freedom. But at the start of this study, honesty became Heidi’s guide and she began to confront people and situations that disturbed her at work, with friends, with her boyfriend, and with housemates. She even began to confront her parents. There was a new internal strength within her that seemed to want to emerge in its pure form, 169 rather than be distorted by holding back or disguising the truth she knew inside. i 3. To Take Action Heidi moved into the Zenith Center at a time when her life seemed "out of control" -- too much to do, too many directions. To get control in her life, Heidi decided that she needed to "act" differently. She needed to set priorities and follow through on them. Taking action was the force she used to stabilize the new identity in reality. The Changes -- Heidi Jones During the year, Heidi’s emerging identity alternated between vision and reality, but was moving in the direction of longer and deeper periods of stabilization. Progress was made in each of the issues stated below. Issue #1: To Manage Self vs. to be Controlled/Taken Care of By Others. Heidi became responsible for herself during this year of study. She exhibited a greater sense of organization and an ability to set priorities. She wanted to be successful and thorough and she realized that she couldn’t follow every whim and interest -- she had to make choices. Heidi’s issue of self-control was not completely resolved during the year, but she accumulated successful experiences that "reduced her feelings of guilt and fear" and also contributed to her ~ sense of competence. 170 Issue #2: To Form Honest Relationships vs. to Remain Private and Superficial. Heidi began the year ready to experiment with and experience honest relationships. She had many deep, rich honest exchanges with significant people in her life throughout the year. Sometimes, however, she avoided honest confrontations with her boyfriend; sometimes she became disappointed in the results of her sharing. Heidi had a few honest expression times with her parents. She seemed to think that when they discovered the real truth about who she was, that it the way they interacted with her would immediately change. It didn’t. She became more realistic about the power of her new found attributes. Issue #3: To Initiate a Career Commitment vs. to Prolong 3 the Irresponsibility of Youth. In her role as a teacher’s aide, Heidi developed a passion I or her career and this enthusiasm resulted in a greater sense of responsibility for her daily tasks. Heidi became dedicated to serving the children in her class because perhaps they were experiencing as bad of a home life as she had experienced. At least she could "provide them a healthy and loving environment in school." Heidi went beyond the, minimum, in terms of preparation for her teaching days and bringing in extra resources for her students. Commitment to her career brought Heidi out of herself into the service of others. 171 Summary: In a sense, Heidi grew into herself during the year -- the self that she had only in her imagination at the beginning of the study. Heidi grew into self responsibility, loving/honest relationships, and a commitment to her career. She struggled, but there were payoffs. MARGO WILBUR Margo faced the challenges of her year with a sense of adventure, faith, fear, action, and a commitment to continuance ever forward. Margo had experienced much growth through insight and tentative action in recent years. During the year of this study, Margo attempted to stabilize her tentative behaviors and to allow her inner feelings to catch up with the courage she was displaying in many of her actions. Her actions were weighted with encumbrances of past roles and expectations of others. Through conscious effort, Margo began to free herself from encumbrances of attitudes and behaviors that seemed to fill her actions with heaviness. The issues, strategies, and changes of her growth experience are summarized below. Issues -'Margo Wilbur Issue # 1: To Confront vs. toWithdraw Confrontation seemed to be the source of deepest wounding for Margo and therefore it is not surprising that the issue had a potential for the greatest healing. Her self-reported history of dealing with confrontation by withdrawing and practically becoming immobilized from action felt inadequate. Margo began to experiment with confrontation more. As she discussed this issue with others, she 172 eventually began to take on a more assured attitude about confrontation. Successful experiences accumulated which allowed Margo to begin to set roots on this characteristic and through self - evaluation and outside feedback, she began to more naturally experience her ability to confront. Issue # 2: To Feel ReSponsible for Others vs. to View Others as Responsible for Themselves Margo had been relied upon as "the strong one"..."the rock" in her family, during the period when she was growing up and living at home. During the year of study, Margo began to feel that the weight of this attitude and role on her part was not in her best interest. She commented that her "energy gets knotted up" when she tries to take care of or protect others emotionally, and that prohibits her from putting her energy into more productive and reinforcing ventures. Issue # 3: To Grow and Change vs. to Remain Constant Margo was on her way to reaching many goals. She was in a period of rapid growth and she found the many changes to be quite frightening. She wanted to feel constancy, but she was in the midst of deep flux. Fear and courage often battled inside her, but her courage was stronger and she became inclined toward growth and change. Adaptation Strategies - Margo Wilbur Margo wanted to grow from her experiences. It was quite a conscious effort on her part. She had a tendency to see her experiences in a context of larger meanings and growth opportunities. To maximize her growth potential through the hazards of personal development, Margo used the three adaptation strategies described below. l. 173 Developed a Support System Margo was looking for a support system when she joined the Zenith Center. My observations suggest that she was looking for kindness, gentleness, and unconditional support. Rather than offering only reprieve, the living situation at the Center both confronted and affirmed Margo and definitely helped her to clarify her issues. Although at times, the experience must have seemed harsh, it likely took her deeper into her issues before surfacing with resolve. By the end of the year, Margo acknowledged that "true support systems require honesty, and that can mean confrontation." 2. Deepened Her Spiritual Faith for Use as a Resource Margo seemed to use her spiritual base to help her manage her changes and she used the turmoil of her changes to deepen her spiritual faith. Spirituality, for Margo, didn’t involve a particular religion or doctrine, but rather encompassed all tools and philosophies that are helpful in bringing rich meaning to one’s life and in some sense, a connection with "universal energy." Margo was strongly involved with yoga as a discipline in spirituality and was an avid reader of a book called A Course in Miracles which is a book of readings in the philosophy and practice of spiritual living. 3. Took Action Risks to Confront Issues and Fears Margo often took action to confront her issues, even in the presence of great fear. It became evident that Margo had a view in her mind of who she was to become...a new 174 envisioned identity. During the period of study Margo seemed to see her task to be "act as if" the envisioned identity were really the current one and that by "acting as if", perhaps the behavior would soon become natural. The Changes - Margo Wilbur Margo changed a great deal during the year of study. I would characterize her movement as a shifting of her energies from behaviors and attitudes that were "draining or debilitating," to a focus of those energies on the tasks that she needed to complete in order to advance. Growth is evident in each issue listed below. Issue #1 To Confront vs. to Withdraw Margo began her venture at the Zenith Center with a record of ineffectual behavior and limited successful experience in the area of confrontation. ~Her pattern of withdrawal or feeble attempts at confronting her mother rutted her view of herself in this area. By January, Margo began confronting her housemates and soon after that, she started confronting situations at work. Later in the year, when I observed Margo confronting others, she appeared very directed and natural. She was able to express her thoughts more clearly. Issue #2 To Feel Responsible for Others vs. to View Others as Responsible for Themselves Margo moved from feeling and acting responsible for the needs and duties of others to a decision and behavior that she was not responsible for taking care of others. I believe however, that she is midway in the cycle of this issue. While she accepts that she is not responsible for others, she nevertheless expects that they should be responsible for 175 themselves in ways that are familiar and acceptable to her. This is another issue for another year. Issue #3 To Grow vs. to Remain Constant In the early fall Margo felt quite fearful of the growth that she knew was ahead of her. She knew that it involved losses and changes in her relationships and "I don’t know if I want that.” Margo certainly worked toward her growth and, by the end of the year, felt the "growth pains were worth it." In fact, Margo seemed to gain much more from her relationships after a temporary period of loss. The period of growth for Margo could best be described as a period of stabilization. So many ways she dreamed of being were becoming a reality. She liked the changes and felt ready to secure her roots for awhile, before taking on new challenges. The matrix (figure 7) on the following page presents an overview of each subject’s issues, adaptation strategies, and changes. 176 momeszu 1:: .moauouauuw m:o«uuuzs=< .mosmm— mo meoe< o:u :q muoomaaw mo xow>uo>o mecca =23: czom vze o~____:num ea Assoc .=:_ae; :Zzoaa u_:ummu_1 e :uzoagu ao>os x_m:eou:e=eo x__:aem>=:oa :Eo~30u= osom ___um .mae;uo ecu o_;_u::;u0a as: me: o;m ue;u eczemeou ».ooeu meo:ue mew -ucoauzou x_o>mucemme =euos ma_:u.:; Leeaze :_ 3355.79. ....z 02:: xao> canoe; uaocaso ac: ecu :emmmzz ce;e_o>o= gm;m:_c.:_ u:_e:1 mgzeaez :E_z moozomaozxo e>_._vo; caem uao>o~ : 1:: mtzomaa :S_3 w:_=__=: umzau 5:5 moozomae;xe zzmaesm amaze; a:=u_C_:w_m 3:35 uzduaom Auuuodua 1:5 .:0mae~_:=xao .Au«__;_m:o;moa u_om we omzcm aoS=0au cou_:_;xo c: ea uzsz g:m_a o:m 0:: we :mzeaum:eo eseeese “ma_u :emmzhzeo he; be muuozme Ahma=_u so :euoa amaze 059m 1:: :e_m:H uzoo :oza tee:o_ao;xo oeamw sou=oauzao xqo>~aoe ow=e:o «naew>e:oa 950m mzooa Looazo 1:5 mam:m:oade_oa we mean =m ou:e;o you cadmos sza mouumqu;_mme: ac ensze assoc; »_amea momzmzu .u ... .5 U .9 —.- .U ... .6 ... muuou eza mosmmw acouu=ou cu mxmdu =emuua oxeu cu ooeaemoa u we om: Lou :uwaw unsuaaagm no: :oaoee cu soumxm uneaLEm a ao—o>o= ea =0quue axed ea muozuo 1:n w—om uzoau=eu on uuezzzm ze—o>91 e. m:owuua no: use umoa ea meo:ue :um: n:0mm:u:eu oaoqzxo ea ou==zemmwe u=dz_o:z uuo>o o:u seam 2=u=:E_3 e. momum>aaou >aounaeqzxo La» ea w:u~osoa eze aaezzem oem>oLz unsu azasmzouae_oa lace ea =odaaa=_:xo «e:a0u:a azu :Lzoaa ea o>~uee=eu uzoezeu.>=o =e emeo:u ea .— moflueuauuw =odueuzez< uznumzoo zwasou ea .m> ouzazo ecu ace» ea mo>_Om 120:9 no“ o—aflmzoamoa ma meesae 3e_> cu .m> mee:uo new o_n_m:o;mou _oou cu :eue:-3 cu .m> uzouu=eo cu gene» we xum__sqm=ozmouua 0:9 uze— tee; ea .m> uzoeumssoo aeoeeo oaemuuzw ea .emumaeezsm 5:: cuesmem =m=§oa ea .m> mam;m 1:0«g=_ea umo:o: anu ea . Amazons; x_~emuo=mov muo:uo #9 we ease zexegxeo_—euu=ou on pg .m> u_om omezez cu ensuezom zuasou ea .m> xuesmuza =o_o>oe ea xufiuzovw u=oaasu e:u o>aom0e= ea .m> ou:=;o _e=omuo; new moddm_msmmme; cozmmzeu ea monum— "n ouauqm .u .n .< omen: .u .n .< wade: .< omzezaoum .< ooze; uuuqaaw 177 Although it did not occur to me when writing the individual case studies, the above comparative chart suggests a commonality in the area of adaptation strategies. The strategies used by each subject, even though their issues and changes differed, included: (1) a move within for self-exploration, (2) development of support, and (3) testing out of new actions. The subjects exhibited these behaviors in different ways and to different degrees, however internalization, support, and external action strategies were used by each. Implications of Findings The purpose of this study was to view the experience of developmental change in the lives of four (4) subjects ranging in age from 21 to 28. This purpose fanned into five areas of problems. These areas include a need to know: 1. how adult developmental change happens, 2. what adaptive processes individuals employ to resolve, at least to some extent, the conflicts that emerge in the change process, 3. what is lost and what is gained in the restructuring of a life space, 4. how individuals build and accept a system of support to mobilize themselves toward the growth alternative of developmental change, and, 5. what common themes exist, if any, in the process of developmental change. Responses to these problems were pursued during the course of research by focusing on three research questions for each subject. They are: V 1. What are the issues of conflict and personal change that emerged during the year of study? 178 2. How did the subject approach the adaptation process to emergent issues? 3. What are the evidences of personal change for the subject that led to an overall sense of growth or deterioration over the course of the year? Therefore, emerging from this study are a number of implications; for the individual seeking to understand him/herself, higher education administrators, adult educators, counselors, personal change agents, and adult development facilities among others. Each implication will be subheaded and briefly discussed. Implications #1 Common Issues To varying extents all four subjects, who are in their 20’s, dealt with issues concerning the development of meaningful relationships and career aspirations. According to current primary researchers of adult development (Erikson, Sheehy, Levinson, et al.) these are not surprising findings. It is, however, notable that choosing what one wants to do for his/her career and with whom one wants to spend close personal time is not a smooth developmental process. None of the four subjects continuously pursued their education. Because of uncertain feelings about career aspirations, each subject withdrew from the university (for a term or two at a time) to reflect on personal goals and/or to earn money. A direct implication from this study for career counselors is that young adults do not necessarily pursue their career aspirations in a continuous fashion. These students balanced their pursuit of an education with their emotional commitment to school and their ability to partially finance their education. To "stop out" of school for a term or two at a time did not seem to signify any kind of 179 failure to the subjects, but rather represented an adult making choices based on an accounting of personal financial/emotional resources. Implication #2: Common Adaptive Strategies This study revealed a common set of adaptive processes and strategies used by each subject. The strategies used by each subject, even though their issues and changes differed included: (1) a move within, for self-exploration; (2) development of support; and (3) testing out new actions. The subjects exhibited these behaviors in different ways and to different degrees, however, internalization, support, and external action strategies were used by each. These same strategies were used, even though as noted on the chart (p. 208), each subject was in a different phase of the change cycle. Moving within, developing support, and taking new action, served as the force of forward momentum for each, subject in each phase. It was this triad of efforts that moved the subjects along in their change process. In the life process of change that may seem vague and "dreamy" to the one consumed in the shift, a conscious awareness of the essential components of movement in the process can be both a comfort and a challenge. A contribution that this study makes to the field of developmental ' change is the act of making visible and distinct, components of the adaptation process that often seemed blurred and haphazard to the one who is in the midst of it all. A direct implication to administrators and educators who work with adult students and staff, is that students are in a process of developmental change and that regardless of where they are in that process, they will need to go within, develop support, and take new action. To maximize growth and success, an administrator could create an environment in which the natural occurrence of the identified adaptive strategies is affirmed and respected. A freshman orientation, 180 for example, could include plenty of opportunities to meet people and get beyond superficial exchanges, could provide time for reflection and going within and could provide opportunities to try out new behaviors in a relatively safe environment. This research implies that a balanced triad of strategies is how one naturally adapts. A planned adaptation effort should match the natural rhythm as closely as possible. A philosophy that suggests, "let’s keep them busy so they don’t have time to get homesick" is likely to be out of tune with a student’s reality and less effective. Implication #3: Support = Harmony and Conflict One may think that support could be viewed as unconditional love and acceptance, however, an implication of this study is that support comes in the form of both harmony and conflict. Support for one preserving an identity might be harmonious, whereas support for change requires a combination of opposites -- force and counter force, construction and destruction, acceptance and rejection, harmony and conflict. A life structure is breaking down in the developmental growth process to allow a more mature life structure to formulate. The breaking down process needs equal support to the building process. Although the confrontation of values and behaviors among subjects was not often a pleasant experience, in the overall sense, these behaviors supported the growth process by encouraging the one confronted to examine his/her values and behaviors and consequently either strengthen maintenance of them, reject the former behavior, or adjust the former behavior in some way. In the recording and reshaping of a structure, the conflict shakes things up and the harmony settles the elements into a new array of evolved definition. 181 Implication #4: Search for Truth Self discovery was an important element in developmental growth of the subjects and pursuit of truth about self permitted each to go to darker, untravelled depths within. Each subject expressed a drive for greater truth about him/herself. To change requires tremendous energy of tumultuous form, yet I observed that when subjects spoke of deep truths within, an overriding calmness claimed them. 5 In building a new structure, each truthful insight adds strength to that structure. The subjects found truth from within and also externally from each other. Generally, in respectful ways, they would share feedback with one another. In retrospect, the subjects thought that these moments of sharing were most memorable because they trusted the other subjects and felt the interactions were genuine. 'An implication of this study for administrators and educators interested in student development is that; formulation of genuine relationships with students and development of trust will support the growth of students. Educators who prefer aloof ness from their students may be less likely to have a memorable influence On the personal development of the student. Implications #5: Developmental Process 1 This study revealed a commonality of process for developmental growth among four adults in their 20’s. Figure 8 on page 183 indicates the seven stages in one. cycle of this process -- (l) defending, (2) breaking, (3) withdrawing, (4) anger and confusion, (5) good intentions, (6) acting with encumbrances, and (7) free acting with meaning. I prOpose here a model of the process of developmental change based on the cases of my four subjects. Heidi shared much with me about her past, particularly the four years prior to the year of study. She also showed me some journals that she had written during this time. Through piecing together characteristics of her past, a number of clearly separate phases that she went 182 through began tobecome evident. I then began to sketch out these tentative phases in a flowing model. I similarly began a more active search for self report histories of the Other three subjects. Reports of emotional states and behaviors seem to fall into distinct periods. In fact, the subjects often described their personal histories as a series of distinct but related phases. Finally I pieced together a continuous model to represent the developmental change of these four subjects. The piecing together process went like this: Heidi was experiencing a phase of change that I came to labelgood intentions, while Margo describes herself as having been through such a period and spent much of her year consumed in a phase I called "acting with encumbrances" Heidi, in addition, had just been through a phase labeled "confusion and anger" and during the year of study, Stephanie found herself full-force in that phase. 3 I present to the reader a descriptive model Of developmental change based on a compilation of participant observation and self-report history from the four subjects. I honestly do not present this model with great confidence, but rather with modest confidence. Upon. presentation of the model to the subjects, they felt very strongly that it characterized their experiences. Certainly more study is required to weight the claim of this proposed model. . The model presented on the next page first occurred to me in picture form. I added the descriptive words as they came to me sometime later. 183 owcmzu fimucosmoHo>on mo mommcm new maoumflnomoo paw macaw; ”w oaswfim onzuuspum one wcflxmoum maom mo mowpo pocflmoe muosuo on is: .omooq wcflvzoamou can» :ofiwou genome :ofiuum . ooze omen» wcfion czoex ca mnozuo mo numwmoa omsmo no: new: _ 1:: on o>wmsdo=fl mosooom mcofiumuoomxo voumuumaum muonuo voNflfiwnoesm smacks» poo: nwsoazu can mofiou owed on AH“: ecu mfiom ca cane“: moon -xmoum no: .uzw msuom Houses o:\m so: voucfloammmflo movfimou mfiom momeomov. Scum emmo ecu xueozo ozone xamh use wcwanum assz czovxmoum ousuoauum o>flum~ou cuss moafiaaoa xuwueoefi OHEmHOMvoumea mmocfiumsm ouoo ago now: muo< was wcwuo< 3o: enwdemfi> :oflumuommon oeaufiaom :Maxmonm wzw>uomoum wcflcmoz moucmunasocm anewueoucm pawz< ~m3muezufi3 wmmxmoum wmficcomoa. w :ofiuo< menu new: :ofiuo< coco w newmsmcou 184 Based on the findings of this study, I have placed each subject in a phase of the process of developmental change as noted on the following page. When each subject viewed the model, without knowing my choice, they independently placed themselves in the same phase I had placed them. There was also agreement by subjects on the phaSe placement of'each other. The placements are noted below the labels. 185 Home: owcmzu Hmucosmofio>oa :M muoomnsm mo :OMumooq ”m ousmflm Amvomozm wouoOfivcw :w oocoflpodxo u:o=conm mmoa .thvcooom um .amvommzm woumoavefi :M oocowoomxo xuaswum um flavomee: mauofiemzmoumfimvoaeezmoom .fiavomemz fimvfleaoz . havaeuoz Amvaeamz Amvoueen Amvoueaq Ravage“; , 1K .1\ . \ x . .\ .1\ ill 1/ ./ l/ ./ .J ./ mcwcmoz \3 wcwuo< ooum. v moocwonssoem m=0wueouea nomc< wen Haznuvnuflz mcflxooun meficcowon \3 wcfiuo< . . vooc :oflmsmcou a 186 Even though a subject may predominately be experiencing the elements of a phase, s/he will experience some of the surrounding phases as well. Perhaps even a bit of all the phases are experienced by each subject at given time period. For instance, from a predominant defending pose, Lance still had moments of visualizing a new identity, that is characteristic of the good intentions phase. He even reported an incident that I would characterize as belonging in the free acting with meaning phase. Lance, however spent most of the first part of the year in a defending, preserving posture. He had taken emotional risks when he came out a few years earlier and had some reflections on that experience that brought out his conservative impulses to find safety and protect himself. Those walls of defenses began to crumble as the year of study progressed. By the close of the study, Lance was beginning to break his line of defense as he moved from a stance of "Defending" to "Breaking". Lance beganto break through the structure of his identity by beginning to share his feelings, reconsider his values concerning a career, and venture out to places where he might meet new people or perhaps take emotional risks. In the chart above, the primary "Defending" posture is noted for Lance as well as the "breaking" phase that began for Lance about midway through the year of study. Lance also seemed to experience some "withdrawal" characteristics when the breaking behaviors took him too faraway from the safety of his inner-self. The withdrawal may have been a reaction to the vulnerability that seemed to accompany breaking of defenses. Stephanie was just exiting a withdrawal phase in her life. Her move to the Zenith Center was one tenuous step from withdrawal into "Confusion and Anger." Near the end of the year of study, Stephanie described her experience at the Zenith Center'as the "year she became conscious." Stephanie faced herself during 187 this year by stepping out of her withdrawal into the arena of the world where she could receive feedback and support. As Stephanie examined herself, she often didn’t like what she saw. Sometimes she retreated to withdrawal through use of alcohol, excessive sleep, or simply the privacy of her room. At other times, Stephanie trekked forward into the not so pleasant, but necessary, phase of "Anger and Confusion." In a written summary of the year, Stephanie shared with me that her primary confusions were in the area of school, her appearance and outward behavior, religion, friends, her own and her family’s use of money, career goals, sexuality, and competition, particularly with women. This was certainly no small list and the reader can easily see how wrestling with confusions about identity and meaning can consume one’s personal energy. Stephanie began to experience some projective force out of her confusion'during the last three months of the study perhaps because it was summer and she had gone to Harvard as a guest student. The; summeriterm at Harvard was a breakthrough because, as Stephanie stated, "I separated myself from nearlyievery possible distraction (including money, bars, flames, significant Others with immediate needs for attention, familiar hang- outs, as many responsibilities as I could get rid of (such as laundry, cleaning, saving face, clothes improvement interests, haircuts, cat) and concentrated absolutely and expressly on putting one belief into action. I did it." This success in a most important area for Stephanieseemed to please her immensely and in this case, motivation and focus replaced confusion. In September, Heidi entered the Zenith Center experience in a similar state of "Confusion and Anger" that had predominated Stephanie’s experience. In Heidi’s case, she was leaving this phase as she became pre-occupied with "Good Intentions." Out of the confusion that Heidi had experienced, a new vision of herself emerged. This "new person" was responsible, thorough, and self-assured. 188 Heidi often verbalized this image to others and made decisions and commitments to help others, complete tasks, etc., based upon this image; but she struggled to manifest the identity. Her intentions were good but the appropriate completing behavior did not always follow. Heidi was winning this struggle, however. As the year progressed, Heidi began to reduce the volume of her commitments and increase her concentration on the commitments that she deemed most important. By the end of the study Heidi entered the phase entitled "Acting with Encumbrances." Heidi indeed was acting on her new self image but it wasn’t easy because it often involved dislodging some . habits that had become-well rutted as well as dislodging the patterns of relationships with others in her life. Embracing the responsibility for student teaching was a sobering turning point for Heidi. Margo’s year of development was marked by a balance between the final two phases, i.e., "Acting with Encumbrances" and "Free Acting with Meaning" Margo had a responsible full-time job in her chosen career field, she was financing the completion of her bachelor’s degree and she had a relatively stable relationship with a man (who she married one year after completion of this study). However, Margo’s actions were loaded with encumbrances of assumed guilt and responsibility for others, especially for her mother. Margo Often considered how her decisions and actions would affect others and then would inhibit her actions because of perceived disfavor from the other person. As the year progressed, Margo began to loosen these binding asSumptions through some strong verbal confrontations with her mother, her boyfriend, Zenith housemates, and her employer. As a result, Margo became more spontaneous and self-pleasing. She entered the phase of "Free Acting with Meaning." It is also important to note that these phases are likely cyclical. One does not get to the end and stop but probably begins again with a new set of issues. 189 Since I am dealing with only young adults, I did not have a subject who had gone through the cycle and was starting over or even recalled going through a whole cycle vis-a-vis their self -reported history. Thearrow from "Free Acting and Meaning" back to "Def ending" in the model, is more conjecture from the literature and life experience than from the data of this study. In fact, a study of longer duration could. reveal other phases beyond "Free Acting with Meaning" but it is time for this study to come to a close. Identification of the cycle of developmental process makes a contribution to the field of adult development. An individual might benefit from viewing the phases of'the develOpmental process for one cycle of growth. Often when one is in a particular phase of growth it seems like it’will last forever. The temporary "stuckness" that seems to accompany any length of time in one phase will surely pass as the ebb is assured of the .flow. A larger picture of the developmental change process can serve to remind one of the nature of evolution of the self. In addition to the proposed model being helpful to individuals who want to be reflective of their own growth, this model can be helpful to counselors who assist young adults with personal, academic, or career concerns. For example, an adult who is withdrawn from meaningful contacts with peers and the business of the world might be encouraged by a career, academic or personal counselor to explore the domain Of the Withdrawing phase or perhaps the next one -- anger and c’onfusionurather than expect the adult to be predominately clarifying meaningful action for him/herself. I A direct implication to educators who work with young adults is that students in their twenties are in a process of growth and many of their needs and motivations will reflectthe destiny of their growth process. An educator who is sensitive to the Owhole person is likely to create a lively and meaningful learning environment. To deal with the learner in the context of his/her current life 190 experience is an attribute of adult educators that distinguishes the excellent educator from the average. If the incorporation of life experience into a learning environment is important in the education of adults, then knowledge of the developmental growth process by educators is essential. Summary of Implications and Contributions of the Research There are five main implications of this study. They are: 1. To varying extents all four subjects dealt with major issues concerning the development of meaningful relationships and career aspirations. This study revealed a common set of adaptive processes and strategies used by each subject i.e. a move within for self - exploration, development of support, and testing out new actions. Support comes in the forms of both harmony and conflict. Self discovery is an important element in developmental growth, and pursuit of truth about self permitted each to go to darker, untravelled depths within. The study revealed a process for developmental growth among the four adults in their 20’s which consisted of the seven stages labeled: defending, breaking, withdrawing, anger and confusion, good intentions, acting with encumbrances, and free acting with meaning. 191 Further Research This study contributes greater understanding to the field of developmental growth specific to the four subjects in their 20’s. Further research could include a longer term study. It would be insightful to track one or more subjects through an entire cycle of change which this study suggests consists of seven phases. From self report histories of these subjects one might suppose that a developmental growth cycle lasts from four to seven years. Further study might also include more subjects and more diversity. How do issues, adaptations, and changes of college students compare to non-college students or to subjects in different age groups? One might use the foundation of this study to study a more homogeneous group such as medical students who are undergoing some similar life event transitions. I also think that a study like this could be duplicated in ten years with four subjects in their 20’s so that one might discern what effect, if any, one’s period in history has on their developmental issues, adaptation strategies, and changes. Summary In summary, this research brings into the visible world the often private experience of developmental change. By its very omnipresence, developmental change becomes the background of our lives which often goes unnoticed. It’s like the fish in the sea with water everywhere, but the fish doesn’t know it’s wet. Against this background our daily actions find context and definition. Although the trauma and exhilaration associated with life changes are often intense we can stay ignorant to our own experience because of lack of a word to name it. This research contributes to the formation of a vocabulary and understanding of the broad composite experience of develOpmental change. APPENDIX APPENDIX A Initial Research Questions 1. How does each subject acquire resources for personal development? How does s/he test each new resource to discover the "fit" with his/her life? a. What media outreach does s/he have? i.e., books, movies, journals... 1. How does s/he learn about possible resources? 2. How does the nature and volume of the media resources change over the year? b. What growth opportunities does each seek outside of center activities? 1. What types of organized activities are of interest? i.e. workshops, clubs, volunteer activities, classes... 2. What personal enrichment are pursued? cultural events, nature walks... 3. What activities involving body awareness and expression are incorporated into the subject’s life? sports, massage, sex, yoga... c. What new important relationships with people does each subject form? Why are these relationships considered important? Which relationships are dropped? 1. What does the subject value in a meaningful relationship? How does this change over the year, if at all? 2. What changes occur in significant other relationships? 2. How does the subject process a changing self? a. How does the sense of life direction change over the year-~both career and personal? 1. What verbalizations does the subject make about new directions? 2. What specific actions does the subject take? b. What is the subject’s changing view of his/her self meaning, his/her relationship with significant others and with human-kind in general? 1. How does the quantity of time spent alone and with others change throughout the year? 2. How does the subject perceive the quality of time alone and with others? 3. How does the subject characterize her/his self meaning? c. What major self awareness conflicts and issues arise over the year? How are these dealt with? 1. What areas of the self is the subject examining? What values and assumptions are put into conflict? 2. What is the subject’s pattern of conflict resolution? 3. What new assumptions and meanings arise? d. What are the emotional, physical, and/or spiritiual highlights? What meaning do these experiences hold for the subject? 1. How are the subject’s experiences characterized prior to a peak event or insight, during, and after? 192 193 2. What are the meanings of peak events that hold value for the subject. 3. How does the subject express a changing life space? a. What new growth disciplines, if any, does each subject practice? i.e. yoga, meditation, diet... 1. How does the subject approach making these changes? 2. What struggles and successes does the subject experience? b. How does each subject’s vocabulary and speech characteristics change? 1. How does the subject verbalize the changes s/he is going through? 2. Around which themes does the subject have difficulty clearly expressing him/herself? c. How does the physical appearance change? i.e. mode of dress, hairstyle, mannerisms... 1. What is the subject’s changing view of his/her physical self? 2. How does the subject’s view of the physical self relate to the whole self? d. How does the subject use acquired resources and knowledge? 1. What behavioral evidence is there of application oflearnings and insights? 2. How do new resources and knowledge become integrated within the self? What does the subject try out and reject? 4. What is the nature of the involvement of each subject with center activities and co-residents? a. Which programs (and what type) does the subject choose to attend? Which programs does the subject negatively react to and not attend? 1. What factors influence these decisions? 2. What characterizes the subject’s experiences and expressions during these activities? 3. What does the subject perceive as their learnings and the impact of each program on his/her life? b. How does the subject respond to the general goals and needs of the center as evidenced by his/her behaviors? 1. What is the subject’s understanding of the goals and the needs of the center? 2. What self -initiated actions does the subject take towardcontributing to the goals/needs? 3. Which perceived goals/needs evoke conflict in the subject? How is this handled? c. What roles does the subject assume in the dynamics of the residents group, the center managing team, and the larger center community? 1. What roles does each subject assume with other residents? 2. What specific support does the subject give and receive from from the other residents? 3. What conflicts arise? How are these handled? 4. How does the subject relate to the larger center community? What initiations are made, what conflicts arise? 5. How do relationships form and maintain with the managing team? BIBLIOGRAPHY 194 BIBLIOGRAPHY Bardwick, Judith M In jljrgnsitign. New York: Holt, Rinehart and Winston, 1979. Bridges, William. W Reading, Massachusetts: Addison-Wesley‘Publishing Company, 1980. Chickering, Arthur W. Commuting Versus Resident Students; Qverggming the 1 In f ff- San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers, 1974. Erickson, Frederick. "Qualitative Research on Teaching." Unpublished Manuscript to appear in MC. Wittrock (Ed.) Handbook of Research on Teaching (3rd edition). New York: McMillan, 1985. Erickson, Frederick, Susan Florio and James Buschman. "Fieldwork in Educational Research." (Occasional Paper No. 36). East Lansing, Michigan. The Institute for Research on Teaching, 1980. Erikson, Erik H., Childhgpd and Society. New York: WW. Norton and Company, 1963. Erikson, Erik H. Identity and the Life gygle. New York: WW. Norton and Company, 1959. Ferguson. Marilyn. WNW the 1289’s. Los Angeles: J.P. Tarcher, Inc., 1980. Glasser, William. W. New York: Harper & Row, 1981. Goodenough, Ward H. "Ethnographic Field Techniques," in H n k f ros - Cultural Psychology; Volume 2, Methodology, ed. by Harry C. Triandis and John W. Barry, Boston: Allyn and Bacon, Inc., 1980. Goodman, Ellen. Inning Point. Garden City, New York: Doubleday & Company, Inc., 1979. Gordon, Raymond L. I rvi win ' r i T hni Homewood, Illinois: The Dorsey Press, 1980. Gould, Roger L. Irgnsfgrmgtigns. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1978. Greenwood, Janet D. "Selected Considerations for the Practice of Student Development." in Student Development in Higher Eduggtign. Ed. Don G. Creamer.Cincinnati. American College Personnel Association, 1980. Hartman, Heinz. Egg Psyghglggy and the Problem of Adgptgtign. New York: International Universities Press, 1939. (reprinted 1958) 195 Havighurst, R. W. New York: Longman, 1953. Husseri, Edmund. you. London: Collier Books, 1962. Ihde, Don. Expormontgl Phenomenology. New York: Paragon Books, 1979. Levinson, Daniel J. Tho Sogsono of o Mgn’g Lifo. New York Ballantine Books, 1978. Marris, Peter. W. New York: Anchor Books, 1975. McCall, George J. and J.L. Simmons. I in P r i i an rv ion. Reading, Massachusetts: Addison-Wesley Publishing Company, 1969. Miorooosmology, New York: Ourobourus Press, 1976. Naisbitt, John. Moggtronoo. New York: Warner Books, Inc., 1984. Ornstein, Robert E. ed. W. New York: The Viking Press, 1974. Perry, William G., Jr. 1 D v : h 11 Y rs. New York: Holt, Reinhart and Winston, Inc., 1968. Prigogine, Ilya. "Unity of Physical Laws and Levels of Description." in Intororotgtions of Lifo and Mind. ed. by Marjorie Greene. New York: Humanities Press Inc., 1971. Rodgers, Robert F. " Theories Underlying Student Development". In Don G. Creamer (Ed.), Student Devolopmont in Highor Eooogtion. Cincinnati: American College Personnel Association, 1980. Russell, Peter. jljho Awokoning Earth: Our Next Evolutionary Leap. London. Routledge & Kegan Paul Ltd., 1982. Schatzman, Leonard and Anselm L. Strauss. Eiolo Rogogroh. Edgewood Cliffs, New Jersey: Prentice-Hall, Inc., 1973. Schlossberg, Nancy K. "A Model for Analyzing Human Adaptation To Transition" in Tho Coonsoling Poyohologigt; Adult :Iftgnsitions, Washington DC: American Psychological Association, Vol. 9, No. 2, 1981. Sheehy, Gail. ngsggos: Prooiotgolo ergos of Adolt Lifo. New York: Dutton, 1976. Sheehy, Gail. P hfin r° ver min h r1 s {A 1 Life an Fin in Y ur an Path To Woll-Boing. New York: William Morrow and Company, Inc., 1981. Siegelman, Ellen Y. Porsoogl Rtgk; Mggtottog Chgngo in Lovo And Work. New York: Harper & Row, 1983. 196 Strauss, Anselm. et. al. "Field Tactics" in George J. McCall and J.L. Simmons (Ed.) I§§uo§ in Portioiooot 9.11191153193- Reading, Massachusetts: Addison-Wesley Publishing Company, 1969. Toffler, Alvin. Tho Third Woyo. New York: Morrow, 1980. Vadich, Arthur J. "Participant Observation and the Collection and Interpretation of Data." in George J. McCall and J.L. Simmons (Ed.) Issuoo in Portioioant Qbsorvgtion. Reading, Massachusetts: Addison-Wesley Publishing Company, 1969. Vaillant, George E. Aoootgtion to Lifo. Boston: Little, Brown, 1977. Wax, Murray L. and Rosalie H. Wax. "Fieldwork and the Research Process." in Anthr 1 E i n rl Vol. XI, No. l, 1980. Warren, Carol A.B.. I enti an mm ni in h Worl . New York: John Wiley & Sons, 1974. White, John. Fr ntir f n i n - Th M in ndB w nInnr nd Qotor Roglity. New York: The Julian Press, 1974. Wilson, John D. Stooont Loorning tn Highor Eouootioo. New York: Halsted Press, 1981.