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H .9] _LIBHARY Ichigan Sta University [ This is to certify that the dissertation entitled COMPOSING SELFHOOD: IDENTITY FORMATION WITHIN THE DIARY OF A GAY, CATHOLIC, WORKING CLASS STUDENT AND ENGLISH TEACHER presented by Stuart Ives Barbier has been accepted towards fulfillment of the requirements for the PhD. degree in Engfish 7271.421.” MM, Major prfessor’s Signature /7 flayed“ 9007 Date MSU is an affinnative-action, equal-opportunity employer PLACE IN RETURN BOX to remove this checkout from your record. TO AVOID FINES return on or before date due. MAY BE RECALLED with earlier due date if requested. DATEDUE DATEDUE DATEDUE 6/07 p:/CIRC/DateDue.indd-p.1 (OWL '1 GAY. COMPOSING SELFHOOD: IDENTITY FORMATION WITHIN THE DIARY OF A GAY, CATHOLIC, WORKING CLASS STUDENT AND ENGLISH TEACHER Bv d Stuart Ives Barbier A DISSERTATION Submitted to Michigan State University in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY Department of English 2007 C OXIPV GA Y. ABSTRACT COMPOSING SELFHOOD: IDENTITY FORMATION WITHIN THE DIARY OF A GAY, CATHOLIC, WORKING CLASS STUDENT AND ENGLISH TEACHER By Stuart Ives Barbier My dissertation is the story of how a gay, Catholic, working class student and English teacher (whom I call Shaun O'Hare) writes himself into being—composes his selfhood—within his diary, which he began at fourteen in 1950. My research questions included how the technology of the diary enabled his identity construction, what the shifts in his identities were over the years, how the diary changed over the years, and what effects on his teacherly identity his other identities had, and vice versa. I analyzed the diary, looking for epiphanies related to his identity formation—places where he externalized his “sense of self,” which is how many researchers define identity. I also drew upon James E. Marcia‘s “identity status paradigm,” although with the poststructuralist View of multiple and changing identities in mind, and I drew on theories related to identity politics, teacherly identity. studying teachers’ lives, American cultural rhetorics, and genre. Studying how Shaun changed the ways he wrote his thoughts within the diary spaces in conjunction with the content of his entries in the light of these theories gave me insight into his evolving identities. I found that Shaun wrote himself into four identities. Socially, he wrote himself into an identity that included suburban prosperity, a mostly unexamined and self- idealized concept of race, an independence from—but appreciation for—his extended family, and a reliance upon gay friendship and companionship. all within the material and cultural context of white Middle America in the 19505 and 19605. Religiously and ‘\ SCXULiI._\. religious acconm .1 ;‘ \\ l‘mt DC. tandem . “"39 Ir- ‘:' V5.il “minim; Student; \ sexually, despite intense pressures to conform. he wrote himself into dual identities—a religious identity that allowed him to continue to embrace his Catholic faith but also accommodate his personal acceptance of homosexuality. and a sexual identity which, while personally acceptable, was publicly hidden, all within a repressive and homophobic religious and sociocultural context. And academically, he wrote himself into a doctoral- degree-holding high school English teacher who valued discipline. subject mastery and command, a “teacher-like" appearance. and a mentoring/counseling relationship with students. Perhaps a better understanding of this process will lead to better connections with our students, improving their chances for success. I also found that Shaun‘s identity formation is “assisted“ by the diary genre in three important ways: I) the older classificatory aspects in which Shaun knows what is supposed to be in a diary. and he follows these generic guidelines, which relates to “invention" in the composition sense; 2) the technological aspects in that the diary volume publisher's pre-printed template pages both enable and constrain the miting. which relates to invention again in the composition sense, but beyond simple classification; and 3) the newer social action aspects. in which the composing of identity—the literal invention of the self, or rather. selves—is a social process which can also take place in a seemingly private forum such as a diary. In short, in the tradition of American cultural rhetorics. the gay. Catholic, working-class student and English teacher's story of identity formation, as revealed in his diary, is not only one through which I can show how identity formation comes about through the act of composing; it is also one through which I can counter some people’s don ’I ask. don 'I tell mentality in relation to “other" people's counter stories. Copyright by STUART IVES BARBIER 2007 To my mother, Jacqueline Barbier. whom I lost on April 23, 2007 VI l‘nixersifi Marlin“; ' it her»? AL .A.- A s ACKNOWLEDGMENTS I am most grateful to my Ph.D. guidance committee at Michigan State University—Drs. Ellen Cushman, Kathleen Geissler (co-chair), Malea Powell, and Marilyn Wilson (co-chair and program advisor)—all of whom were instrumental not only in helping me successfully complete this dissertation, but also in helping me form my own academic identity, both as a student and teacher, over the past several years. Several insightful researchers also guided my study into Shaun O’Hare’s diary, especially those in rhetoric, composition, and teacher education. but also those in various other fields as well, to which my Works Cited page attests, and for which I am grateful. Several others helped in various ways: Delta College awarded me a sabbatical leave for the 2007 winter semester; Larry Levy, Delta College English Division chair, worked my teaching schedule around my graduate coursework; Tina Kaczmarek and Marge Frost of the Delta College Library filled virtually endless interlibrary loan requests; Jackie Campbell, Michigan State University Department of English graduate secretary, and Dr. Ellen Pollak, associate chairperson for graduate programs. helped me navigate through lots of paperwork; the Michigan State University Graduate School. College of Arts and Letters, and the Department of English awarded me funds for travel to conferences which helped me in my research; my family and friends lovingly provided infinite support and essential encouragement (not to mention lots of food) throughout my entire degree program (M.A. and Ph.D.); and “Shaun O‘Hare" left a fantastic and rare legacy in his forty-one volume diary, which his friend kindly loaned to me. For all of this I am also grateful. vi TABLE OF CONTENTS CHAPTER 1 INTRODUCTION ............................................................................................................... 1 Composing and Identity ................................................................................................. 3 Identity Politics ........................................................................................................ 5 Teacherly Identity .................................................................................................... 9 Studying Teachers’ Lives ............................................................................................ 13 American Cultural Rhetorics ....................................................................................... 14 Genre Theory ............................................................................................................... 16 Review of the Literature .............................................................................................. 17 CHAPTER 2 METHODOLOGY ............................................................................................................ 24 My Research Assumptions .......................................................................................... 29 CHAPTER 3 GENRE THEORY AND THE DIARY OF SHAUN O‘HARE ........................................ 39 The Classificatory Aspects of Genre ........................................................................... 41 Study One: Aronson .............................................................................................. 42 Study Two: Mallon ............................................................................................... 43 The Technological Aspects of Genre ........................................................................... 44 The Physical Size ................................................................................................... 46 The Commercially Printed Template Pages .......................................................... 48 The Memoranda ............................................................................................... 50 The Year-End Memoranda .............................................................................. 55 The “Social Action” Aspects of Genre ........................................................................ 60 Medway’s Study .................................................................................................... 63 Audience and Community ..................................................................................... 67 Summation ............................................................................................................. 72 CHAPTER 4 SHAUN’S SOCIAL IDENTITY FORMATION PART I: HIS CULTURAL CONTEXT AND RACIAL AND SOCIOECONOMIC IDENTITIES ................................................................................... 74 Shaun’s Cultural Background ...................................................................................... 75 The Wider Culture of the 19505 and 19605 ................................................................. 76 Shaun’s Racial Identity ................................................................................................ 79 Shaun’s Socioeconomic Identity .................................................................................. 84 Pre-College Money Issues ..................................................................................... 88 College Money Issues ............................................................................................ 94 Post-College Money Issues .................................................................................. 102 Shaun’s Take on Cultural Events and the Material Culture ...................................... 108 Movies and their Possible Connections with Shaun‘s Own Life ......................... 109 Television, Television, and More Television ...................................................... 112 vii CHAPTE SHALN‘ HIS REI AND At \UC’... \. 7*: vi tr '/1 "f‘ Soci- CHAPT; SHAI'X‘I Q'-..,l i ‘7‘ Uzi“ C ”APT: 33154 \ xildg-E 3/5! Other Innovations ................................................................................................. 1 15 Pohfics .................................................................................................................. 115 Significant Events and Deaths Not Elsewhere Categorized ................................ 116 Other Signs of the Times ..................................................................................... 1 19 CHAPTER 5 SHAUN’S SOCIAL IDENTITY FORMATION PART II: HIS RELATIONSHIPS WITH HIS FAMILY, FRIENDS, AND ACQUAINTANCES .............................................................................................. 122 Secial Identity Formation: Family ............................................................................ 123 Shaun’s Relationship with his Father .................................................................. 124 Shaun’s Relationship with his Mother ................................................................. 127 Shaun’s Relationship with his Brother and other Siblings .................................. 128 Shaun’s Relationship with his other Relatives ..................................................... 131 Shaun’s Overall Relationship with his Family .................................................... 133 Social Identity Formation: Friends and Acquaintances ............................................ 137 CHAPTER 6 SHAUN’S SEXUAL AND RELIGIOUS IDENTITY FORMATION ........................... 149 Shaun’s Religious Identity Formation ....................................................................... 151 Shaun’s Sexual Identity Formation ............................................................................ 159 The Battles for Personal Acceptance and Secrecy ............................................... 161 Shaun’s Pre-College Sexual Identity Formation ............................................ 161 Shaun’s Sexual Identity Formation in College .............................................. 169 Shaun’s Post-College Sexual Identity Formation .......................................... 191 Pre-Crisis: 6/9/58 —10/18/59 .................................................................. 192 Crisis and Fallout: 10/19/59 - 5/20/61 .................................................... 197 Post-Crisis Recovery: 5/21/61 — 12/31/64 .............................................. 210 Return to Acceptance: 1/1/65 — 12/31/66 ............................................... 222 CHAPTER 7 SHAUN’S ACADEMIC IDENTITY FORMATION ..................................................... 230 Shaun’s Formation of a Student Identity ................................................................... 231 Shaun’s Academic Identity Formation as a High School Student ....................... 232 Watershed Behaviors in High School ............................................................ 232 Interfering Issues in High School .................................................................. 234 Shaun’s Academic Identity Formation as a College Student ............................... 238 Watershed Behaviors in College .................................................................... 240 Interfering Issues in College .......................................................................... 243 Fear of Failure in College ........................................................................ 245 Continued Waxing and Waning in College ................................................... 248 Shaun’s Academic Identity Formation as a Graduate Student ............................ 254 Pre-Master’s Studies ...................................................................................... 254 Master’s Program ........................................................................................... 258 Doctoral Program ........................................................................................... 262 Shaun’s Formation of a Teacherly Identity ............................................................... 267 Shaun‘s Teacherly Identity Formation in High School ....................................... 270 viii CHAPIE C 0_\‘Cl \IORIO Shaun’s Teacherly Identity Formation in College ............................................... 273 Shaun’s Teacherly Identity Formation as a New Teacher ................................... 291 CHAPTER 8 CONCLUSION ................................................................................................................ 303 WORKS CITED ............................... ' ............................................................................... 3 16 ix Chapter 1 Introduction Wed-5 6 Nice out 40 ° ? MARCH 21 I arose at 7:30 & ate. Muller gives us our test Man. I guess. Classes passed 0. K. In speech we used a “talking card ” machine. (a pronuicary) Nice meal at school [where he is student teaching] tuna & noodles ect. We played B. B. [basketball] & a relay. What a time. I had a test in ROTC. F lunked it. I didn 't study. I got 1$ gas. I drove around town & then went to library I'm reading The Treasure of Pleasant Valley-7 air. I had goulash alone at C. C. (84C)[.] After supper I read & played tapes. 1 finally cut loose & saw a crappy movie "T he Lone Ranger ” in color 7:15 .' 9:40 65c at Broadway. 1 really should preparefor that Eng test but. Jim is teed of?" at me I wouldn ’t lend him 58. He owes me 50¢ since Xmas $2.80 And thus was Shaun O‘Hare‘s Wednesday, March 21, 1956.I Shaun O’Hare, who died of cancer at the age of fifty-eight in 1994, was an English teacher, mostly at the secondary level (later in life, he supplemented his income by selling antiques when he was not teaching). He was also Catholic, gay, and had working-class origins. The above entry is quite typical for 1956. the twentieth year of his life, fourth semester of college. and seventh year he had been keeping a diary. The entry is bound in Samuel Ward’s A Page a Day Perpetual Diary (Boston, Mass), a brown, vinyl, four-inch by five-and-a- half-inch volume secured with a clasp lock. Shaun recorded the first five years of entries ' Shaun O’Hare is a pseudonym. as are all other names mentioned in the diary. including some place names, but excluding public figures. All diary entries are typed exactly as he wrote them (in pencil or pen) in terms of spelling. punctuation, capitalization. grammar. etc., with a few exceptions to improve clarity. Any parenthetical remarks within the diary quotes are his: my additions to the quotes appear in brackets. Nearly all of the quotes 1 use are excerpts from longer entries: however, to avoid unnecessary clutter. I do not use ellipses at either their beginnings or endings (unless they are in the original). 1 in a single five-year diary volume, which accommodated entries for all five October fifths, for example, on the same page, and the entries were thus much shorter. For example, Shaun’s very first entry is: “I saw ‘Shep comes home’ + [‘]Law of Bararbry Coast’ last nite. Mike is at gramas. .50.” All of the remaining thirty-nine volumes of his diary follow the one-year/one-day-per page format; each page is narrowly ruled and has the month and number of day commercially printed at the top. Shaun always filled in the day and year and, until 1967, indicated the weather in the top margin, before beginning his entries with the time he got up and indicating what he did that day, whom he saw, and how much money he spent. All together, the forty-one volumes chronicle nearly forty- five years of Shaun O’Hare’s life. Upon Shaun’s death, his diaries stood sentinel on a friend’s bookshelf (it is this friend who gave me permission to use the diaries). When I first saw the diaries twelve- and-a-half years ago, I was fascinated with the idea of them, beginning with the amazing fact that a fourteen-year-old had started a diary and kept it up for nearly forty-five years (let alone a gay, Catholic, working class fourteen-year-old). That he was an English teacher added to the appeal, since 1 was pursuing graduate work in English, eventually becoming an English teacher myself. Certainly these volumes had value beyond their decorative appeal on the shelf and their personal appeal to me. I decided to study the diaries in order to discover their value, a study on which I have worked for six years. At first glance, many of the entries appear rather mundane, much like the entries historian Laurel Thatcher Ulrich writes about in her study of the twenty-seven-year diary of Martha Ballard, an eighteenth-century midwife. Ulrich notes that other historians had looked at the diary, but did not know “what to do with it” (8). For example, she quotes one who had found the diary entries “brief and with some exceptions not of general interest" “iii ed \\ “it is it. 1 ,. A“,‘)v1yy.- ¥¥\iu'1... interest” (8). Another found much of it “trivial and unimportant” while a third declared it “filled with trivia about domestic chores and pastimes” (8-9). However, Ulrich declares, “it is in the very dailiness, the exhaustive, repetitious dailiness that the real power of Martha Ballard’s book lies” (9).2 Similar power lies in Shaun’s diary. Furthermore, Ulrich notes that “Martha was not an introspective diarist, yet in this conscientious recording as much as in her occasional confessions, she revealed herself. . . . For her, living was to be measured in doing. Nothing was trivial” (9). And so, it seems, for Shaun, who records on 4/21/58, “Bought Mennen deod[orant] (87¢).” But he also records “God--I’m lonely” (4/30/60) and much of what goes into that statement. Both types of statements help reveal his identities and their formation. It is this sense of the diarist revealing him or herself—exteriorizing her or his identity and composing selfliood—that has significant implications for Shaun O’Hare’s diary in the fields of rhetoric, composition, and teacher education, especially in the areas of composing and identity (including identity politics and teacherly identity), studying teachers’ lives, American cultural rhetorics, and genre theory. Composing and Identity A significant, current topic in composition and studying teachers’ lives is identity construction. Most recently, this can be seen in the call for proposals for the 2007 Conference on College Composition and Communication (CCCC), which included for the first time a category within the area clusters (109-Creative Writing) entitled: “Life writing, memoir, auto/biography, and identities.” In her call, conference chair Cheryl Glenn asked teachers and researchers 3 This is a characteristic of diaries in general that Patricia Meyer Spacks also highlights in her article. “How to Read a Diary" (58). brie run. TSGLLIT'S I UIIIJU: C C-o' ,. 1‘ . d“ \l‘lk 9‘» — 04 c‘ _--4 . . to consider identities as they are constructed through reading, writing, speaking, listening, and silence. Whether on the street or in classrooms, people present their identities, and whether in print or in conference talks, other people interpret and re-present those identities. Within these presentations and re-presentations lie endless possibilities for understanding and misunderstanding, connections and disconnections. (1) She further declared that “although issues of identity . . . are now familiar to us all, they require renewed inspection and innovative inquiry” (1). This dissertation gave me a unique opportunity to innovatively renew this inspection using the diary of a gay, Catholic, working class student and English teacher, a rare find as I explain in my review of the literature, below. Regarding diaries in general, bookseller and diary collector James Cummings writes in the preface to Laura Arksey, Nancy Fries, and Marcia Reed’s annotated bibliography of diaries, “the diarist is saying that at a particular time and place, a life has been lived and feelings have been felt and thoughts crossed a mind. The very act of recording has provided a unique attachment to surroundings and self, and opportunity to examine life” (vii). Importantly, also in this act of recording is identity construction. As Bonny Norton Peirce asserts, “it is through language that a person negotiates a sense of self within and across different sites at different points in time” (13). Even though she is writing about the role of social identity in second language acquisition, her findings can be applied to native speakers and the written word. In short, my dissertation is the story of how Shaun O’Hare writes himself into being within his diary and within the context of his family, social, and community networks. Once again, identity politics is important in seeing how this is true. ‘ . sustair his die. Carrie; €033.35 HHICIIQ: PTOGLicti dil’ti‘s :1 “A . L§y '. ‘ .‘Lflw. _., 1h. . 14“” ' ”)1‘,’ .h‘ 3:; I l‘ ‘ . l ”l""‘.-,‘ .._4 ‘ Identity Politics By writing in his diary, Shaun is making an important move: building and sustaining identities (invoking linguist Peter Medway). More specifically, Shaun is using his diary to form various identities, including social, sexual, religious, and academic. Charles Bazerrnan, who researches the teaching and practice of writing, states: “identities and forms of life get built within the evolving social spaces identified by recognizable communicative acts,” or genres (“Genre” 17), such as, I argue in this dissertation, a diary. Anis Bawarshi explains, writing about genre and invention in composition and drawing on sociologist Anthony Giddens, “genres . . . do not merely function as backgrounds for social activities; instead, they are ‘fundamental to the production of social life,’ including especially identity formation” (87-88; I explain how diaries are “social” in chapter 3). Medway also discusses the use of genre to form identity and maintain community (125), and linguist Sigmund Ongstad points out that Paul Eakin (a researcher into autobiography) asserts, “the performance of autobiographical act can be understood as an extension of a lifelong process of identity formation” (312), all of which helps support the value of Shaun’s forty-one diary volumes and the value of genre theory in interpreting them. Even so, the concept of identity is complicated. Historian Philip Gleason provides an interesting account of the general history of the word identity, attributing its popularization in the social sciences to the 19505 (910). He explains that developmental psychologist Erik Erikson originated the term “identity crisis” and defined identity as involving “an interaction between the interior development of the individual personality . . . and the growth of a sense of selflrood that arises from participating in society, internalizing its cultural norms. acquiring different statuses. and playing different roles” (9141.“ maintair. (3441. 1'. points H I 'II . . . Ill process transibr Michele aSSLimpj CORS’ranj (914).3 Anthropologist James Clifford conceives identity “not as a boundary to be maintained but as a nexus of relations and transactions actively engaging a subject” (344). However, Henry Giroux, who researches cultural studies and education, argues that because it involves human agency (207), “identity . . . is complex, contradictory, and shifting and does not unproblematically reveal itself in a specific politics” (208). He points out that communications theorists Julian Henriques et a1. contend that “identity . . . is . . . not only . . . a historical and social construction, but is also . . . part of a continual process of transformation and change” (qtd. in Giroux 207). Related to this idea of transformation and change, Jeffrey Weeks, whom sexuality and gender researcher Michele J. Eliason defines as a “Foucauldian constructionist,” believes that “identity assumption . . . is a paradox; we are always trying to fix or stabilize an identity that is constantly in flux or change, a product of our language and culture” (qtd. in Eliason 54). Similarly, in what she explains is a poststructuralist theoretical approach, Peirce also discusses the changeable nature of identity, adding that the process of identity formation is a struggle, complicated by the fact that one has multiple identities (9), all of which is true in Shaun’s case, as I demonstrate in this dissertation. Further complicating identity formation, gender and sexuality researcher Diana Fuss, as Eliason explains, believes that identity is made up of two parts: “a self- evaluation and a socially determined range of choices or categories” (35). Eliason equates this with Jill Johnston’s—author of Lesbian Nation: The Feminist Solution— assertion: identity is “what you can say you are according to what they say you can be” (35), which has particular application to Shaun’s life, especially as he negotiates his 3 1 further explore identity formation theory from a psychological perspective in chapter 2. especially in relation to how 1 show Shaun has formed his various identities. 6 sexual i. all the v. chapten ”interdh persona. interpret Duku A? conzinu: Further .‘. Space a: SCll‘olaf al SO \\ O r g I r - I ».-'a. ‘4 . are. - ‘ ,\:‘N\ - -- . |. 1" ~‘\ 5n.»- \. in .. '5 . 1;. \ '.. n. ‘ 5..., :‘l.‘£.- 4‘) '4“ . \\ ‘4‘ ~I sexual identity within the context of his religious and teacherly identities, and vice versa, allthe while externalizing (and in a way self-evaluating) this negotiation in his diary (see chapters 6 and 7). To help overcome these complications, Eliason calls for more “interdisciplinary models of [identity construction] that draw on personal experience and personal accounts of identity” ( 5 7), which I feel my study does (albeit through my interpretation of such an account). All of this also fits in well with conference chair Akua Duku Anokye’s 2006 CCCC Call for Proposals in which she calls for considering what continues to hinder the composition field from fully articulating its own identity. Furthermore, American Indian scholar and author LeAnne Howe discusses the “textual space as a contemplative reflection of identity” (44) and anthropologist and Lakota scholar Craig Howe discusses the event-centeredness of identity (165), a concept that also works well with Shaun’s diaries, in which he records the daily events of his life. Similarly, social scientist Michel de Certeau, in discussing Defoe’s Robinson Crusoe, states that Robinson, by deciding to keep a diary, gave himself “a space in which he can master time and things, and to thus constitute for himself, along with the blank page, an initial island in which he can produce what he wants” (136). In Shaun’s case, what he is producing is selflrood. Perhaps this is why composition teachers in the classroom often use student journals and diaries.4 Louise Wetherbee Phelps, as explained by rhetorician Brad Peters, 4 ln Gender and the Journal: Diaries and Academic Discourse. Cinthia Gannett notes that over a hundred articles about using journals in the classroom had been written in the 19805 and early 19905 alone (19), a use that has existed “since at least 1900” (33). She also provides an interesting account of the development of diaries and journals. both of which terms. she points out, evolved from “similar Latin roots meaning day or daily,” though “joumal” comes via Old French and “diary” directly from Latin (105-106). She explains that even though both terms were used “synonymously . . . for hundreds of years” (107). currently “there are subtle differences in their respective connotations and ranges of application" (106). with “diary” sometimes being associated with “triviality, excessive sentimentality. or femininity” (107. what she calls “gendered perceptions” [x]). as opposed to. for example. an academic journal (192: Susan Miller also writes about “how commonplace texts deploy formal and informal gender precepts" [145]). However, 7 argues I.” negoriat: in sociez" ‘UIISIHI‘I '. I C011\'L’i’5.. lormatirv '3; . Elton} it lllS Char-x] l-l‘rdergrg argues that teachers should view “journal-writing as irnbricated in a series of global negotiations that young writers conduct as they determine their selflrood, their positions in society, and the meaning of their cultural backgrounds” (107). Using joumals—these “unstable texts”—Peters argues, teachers can engage students in “an on-going conversation” (107), a conversation, or narrative, I would add, that could address identity formation. In Shaun’s case, it is the narrative of the diary that is especially important. As Roland Barthes contends, narrative arises “between our experience of the world and our efforts to describe that experience in language” (qtd. in White 1-2), which Shaun does in his diary. But few researchers explore the journals or diaries of the teachers themselves. Understanding teachers’ lives, according to education theorist Ivor Goodson, is key to understanding teaching, an “intensely personal” profession, and the key to understanding their lives is in the “deeply intimate and personal aspects of identity” (4). The approach is especially suited to giving “expression to, and celebration of, hidden or ‘silenced’ lives . . . lived privately and without public accomplishment” (Goodson & Sikes 10), lives such as Shaun’s. Finally, Hayden White advises, “for the narrative historian, the historical method consists in investigating the documents in order to determine what is the true or most plausible story that can be told about the events of which they are evidence” (27), which I have tried to do in my study. For his part, Shaun, by writing in his diary, constitutes his own reality of his situation—he is certainly mediating it, or “managing” his “way through” life, to invoke Bawarshi (76), as I will show in this dissertation. In addition to these aspects of identity politics, however, the related politics of teacherly identity are also relevant to my study. many academics use “diary” in this way as well (e.g., Jeffrey Berman notes in his study of using diaries in the English classroom that he uses the terms “interchangeably” [279]). For me. the choice was clear: “Diary” is stamped on the covers of all but two of the forty-one volumes of Shaun's diary. 8 Enghxl; asked 'r. OhHan: prréss II S 1111'." nflHgat outhov subject ; becci- It} on: ‘ .1 S It 0:" In, Teacherly Identity Several researchers speak to the idea of teacherly identity. Former College English editor Richard Ohmann recalls a past teaching experience in which a student asked him his beliefs toward Christianity during a class in seventeenth-century poetry. Ohmann did not answer the student at the time and laments the fact that “only [his] . . . professional self, stripped down for intellectual work, was to be present in class” (339).5 It is interesting to see which “self ’ Shaun invokes in his classrooms and to see Shaun’s navigation of competing affinities (including when a student asks him if he is bisexual, which he reports in his diary [see chapter 7]). Composition researcher Ruth Spack points out how “postmodern educators . . . now emphasize the need to make conscious the subject positions of teachers as well” (11). Rhetoricians Jacqueline Jones Royster and Rebecca Greenberg Taylor also want to shift more focus on teacherly identity, a focus beyond the single, short essay introductions many teachers use like “I am a white-middle- c1ass-woman-at-a-large-state-university” (31). They ask how researchers can better “imagine ways to enact [their] . . . identities . . . [and] to consider how these identities impact . . . classrooms” (31). Gender and sexuality theorists (in composition, literature, and women’s studies) Michelle Gibson, Martha Marinara, and Deborah Meem agree, stating how important it is for teachers to really consider the identities they take along into the classroom. They state that teachers must “remain conscious of the way those identities interact with the identities . . . students bring, and insert [themselves] . . . fully into the shifting relationships between [themselves and their] . . . students at the same time that [they] . . . resist the impulse to control those relationships” (92), a sentiment 5 In fact. relating this idea to teacher development in general. psychologist Richard P. Lipka and teacher educator Thomas M. Brinthaupt assert (writing a couple of years before Ohmann). “the instrumental role of self in teacher development” is an area understudied in the field (1). another reason to conduct studies like mine. echoed 1‘ (see belr small ex] imp-acts. educatio b} ITS (if 11 is m 6.“ smdem; represen Studs”: I (See Cite; ”Elem ; echoed by literary critic Roger Platizky (124) and literacy researcher Yuet-Sim D Chiang (see below). While Shaun externalizes such a consciousness in his diary only to a very small extent, studies such as mine might be able to help teachers better understand these impacts. Interestingly, Gayle Turner, who researches identity issues as they relate to education, highlights how “who the teacher can claim to be is under constant construction by his or her students” (126).6 In discussing teacherly identity, Royster and Taylor ask if it is even “possible . . . to focus on teacher identity without engaging the voices of our students” and if it is not, “how do we incorporate their points of View [and] . . . . ethically represent their experiences?” (41 -42). To do this, I draw on a few other documents (e.g., student photograph dedications, newspaper articles) Shaun saved in addition to his diaries (see chapters 2 and 7). Chiang alters this focus a bit, asking, in relation to self- reflexivity: how does who and what I am implicate the way I connect and understand my students and their writings? Where am I in the context? Who and what is being centered in this context? Why? How? Where and how do I address the polyvocal realities as a teacher/researcher? (162-63) Chiang’s questions point to the importance of the concept of teacherly identity, as do other researchers in the field, and Shaun’s teacherly identity is one area I explore (chapter 7). In terms of other researchers in the field, in her introduction to a collection of “Stories from Educators’ Lives” in Anthropology & Education Quarterly, the editor, Kathryn Anderson-Levitt, asserts that “the identities we construct certainly do matter to 61ndeed. this was true for Shaun. Jenny, one of his students. gave him her senior photo with “someday you’ll be telling her ‘we run a tight ship. here. wife! Dinner is at 5:15!’” written in the dedication. ln hers. Wendy wrote “keep fighting off the women and play it COOL big Daddy!” Clearly, who Shaun could claim to be, especially in the Catholic high school. did not include being gay. 10 the lives teaching Teacher . Clanclini They sre‘ life hist- 1383i 1 COldIt‘m "atil‘i e I. ”positior- funher ;; SUE-[33,113. to math; lnflltujj accord]; that “:m ~ :' r- “‘11 Tea", ”1.:“9- \‘\ the lives we build as educators,” but wonders “how, then, do identities matter in teaching?” (including identities related to gender, race, social class, and religion) (151). Teacher educators Janice Huber and Karen Whelan point out (citing Connelly and Clandinin) that classroom and non-classroom experiences shape our teacherly identity. They state that “as teachers, our story to live by is ‘both personal—reflecting a person’s life history—and social—reflecting the milieu, the contexts in which teachers live’” (383). This is certainly true in Shaun’s case, as I show in subsequent chapters. John Coldron and Robin Smith, who also research teacher education and identity, assert that “active location in social space” informs and enacts teacherly identity (71]), and that “position in social space is relational” (citing Bourdieu and Wacquant) (713). They further assert that “part of the experience of teaching is continually constructing a sustainable identity as a teacher” (714). What makes this type of activity hard, according to teacher educator Susan Florio-Ruane, is that “teachers assume their role within institutions forged in the last century” (158). Related to this (perhaps because of this), according to teacher researcher Robyn Russell, “school structures silence teachers” in that “the mandated curriculum and required texts . . . play . . . a role in silencing [our] . . . educational beliefs and aims” (qtd. in Gitlin and Russell 189). Educational philosopher Glorianne Leck asserts that “we can at least suspect that schools as we have come to identify them are related to the power concerns of the cultural managers and opinion makers who have defined and designed schooling within certain ongoing habitual ways of operating” (81-82). All of this certainly complicates formations of teacherly identity—especially for new teachers and for the professional development of all teachers (Coldron and smith; Beijaard et al. 750). It is interesting to see how Shaun’s diary reflects this conflict. ll lllUlllpl'.’ rqra hwne not 1116;.” “Oddt. err: ptiiitic: Om5§l~ emu: centers; CMhR. him _. him ("15: Gal L111. How the diary reflects this conflict is complicated, especially given Shaun’s multiple identities (e.g., Catholic, gay, white). Anderson-Levitt (citing McAlpine et al.) is quick to point out that as an anthropologist, she knows “that people do not fit neatly into identity boxes; just because I can label you ‘Mohawk,’ ‘male,’ or ‘middle-class’ does not mean I can predict how you will interact with your students” (151). Ellen Cushman would call such labels “positionalities.” In discussing researcher self-reflexivity in relation to the politics of the personal in an issue of College English devoted to such politics, she argues that identity is instead about social networks, or interrelations with others (44-46). In chapters 4 and 5, I explore how some of Shaun’s entries show how he relates to others (what I call his social identity), even though many entries are rather self- ”7 Also along these lines, feminist researcher centered on “doing” instead of “being. Carla Rensenbrink asks, “what difference does it make to a teacher to be gay or lesbian? What difference does it make to the teacher’s students?” (257). She asserts that “little is known about these questions due to the general fear, disapproval, and hatred of homosexuality in the United States” (257; Kevin Jennings’ book, One Teacher in 10: Gay and Lesbian Educators Tell Their Stories, sheds some light on this). Drawing on Didi Griffin and Pat Khayatt, researchers of gay and lesbian issues in education and sports, respectively, Rensenbrink further points out that homophobic attitudes may be particularly strong when directed against those who teach young people. Therefore, teachers who are homosexual have had good reason to fear revealing their identity at work. Although there have always been lesbian and gay teachers, they have had to be an 7 Besides those quoted above. other researchers with interesting theories about the cultural and social nature of identity include Bruner; Gannett; and McAdams (“Personal,” “The Psychology”). 12 All the r. remain i homoph in relati. of stud} 1 like min Study in II. SILICA (V: \h. ofk ..' lf “invisible presence” in their schools, making it very difficult to discuss the question of what difference it makes for a teacher to be homosexual. (257) All the more reason for me to have conducted this study. Shaun, too, tried his best to remain in the closet as a teacher, at least with his students, but he also experienced homophobia. In chapters 6 and 7, I explore his sexual and teacherly identity construction in relation to these and other issues. Helping me do this is the methodological approach of studying teachers’ lives, the theory behind which further reinforces the need for studies like mine. Studying Teachers’ Lives An important methodological approach related to identity and teacherly identity is studying teachers’ lives, which is becoming quite popular in teacher education. For example, in their book chapter, “Personal Narrative and Life History in Learning to Teach,” Kathy Carter and William Doyle explore “the relatively new, certainly vigorous, and often quite diverse efforts to place biography at the center of teaching practice, the study of teachers, and the teacher education process” (120). They state that biographical work “is based on the premise that the act of teaching, teachers’ experiences and the choices they make, and the process of learning to teach are deeply personal matters inexorably linked to one’s identity and, thus, one’s life story” (120). In other words, as Goodson explains, in order to understand “something so intensely personal as teaching it is critical we know about the perSon the teacher is” (4). Goodson points out that studying teachers’ lives allows researchers “to examine those socializing influences relevant to the formation of the teacher over the full life experience” (14) as well as to help create ‘teacher-centered, professional knowledge” (15). Teacher educator Mary Hauser adds that such study can lead to an understanding of “what personal and professional life 13 experieh ghentf- classroo: from the (L If; “'1 a" — — — 803%,)“ Study. 1 of at.“ Jj‘li“ Amelie. experiences were salient in shaping [a teacher’s] . . . teaching practice” (65), especially given that, as educational researcher Andy Hargreaves argues, “what goes on inside the classroom is closely related to what goes on outside it” (vii). A5 Mary Kay Rummel, also from the field of teacher education, puts it, “effective teaching is the interrelationship of life and teaching in a continuum looping around forever” (qtd. in Rummel and Quintero 5). Last, according to teacher/researcher Patricia Schmidt, “the way to understand the value and influence of education in a life is to examine our lives” (6). Based on the call for proposals for the 2007 Conference on College Composition and Communication, it seems Composition is beginning to understand this as well, an understanding that can be improved through my diary study. In short, the idea of identity as it appears in the teacher education field can be linked to the idea of identity and teacherly identity in rhetoric and composition. All have helped me in my study of the diary. As Parker Palmer asserts, “we need to open a new frontier in our exploration of good teaching: the inner landscape of a teacher’s life. To chart that landscape fully, three important paths must be taken—intellectual, emotional, and spiritual” (15). And as educational psychologist John Creswell states, quoting L. Barritt, it “is not the discovery of new elements . . . , but rather the heightening of awareness for experience which has been forgotten and overlooked” (94). Through my study, I am making Shaun’s experiences visible, an action especially valued in the field of American cultural rhetorics. American Cultural Rhetorics American cultural rhetorics are, in part, about “giving voice” to marginalized people, as poet Joy Harjo explains in her writing. Harjo states, “we are living in a system in which human worth is determined by money. material wealth. color of skin, religion 14 and other capricious factors that do not tell the true value of a soul” (17). The field of Composition recognizes this as well, including the resulting marginalization of various peoples, and it often explores what we can do to reverse the situation. For example, in her 2006 CCCC Call for Proposals, Anokye declares that composition is “in a quandary, a middle space battling against the polarities of everyday life.” She invokes the diversity of Chicago, the site of the convention, in asking “how does composition reconcile the binaries to build coalitions, culture and community in the rich way that Chicago has built its identity? How do we meet the challenges of this rrriddle ground by embracing our diversity?” Clearly, matters of race, class, and sexuality complicate Anokye’s call to find a middle ground in composition studies. Similarly, like Anokye, Royster, who, in addition to researching composition, also researches Afiican American literacy and culture, calls for teaching, engaging in research, writing about, and talking “across boundaries with others, instead of for, about, and around them” (“When” 38), advice which I had to carefully consider given that the diary author in my study is dead (see chapter 2). Such activities as Royster suggests help us make “sense amid the chaos of difference” that she discusses (3 7), something she feels is especially important given that “this culture co[-]opts, dissipates, and displaces voices” (35). Researchers within American cultural rhetorics are listening to these voices, however. Malea Powell listens “for unheard stories, counter—stories, which are usually silenced by the narratives that construct ‘life’ in these United States” (“Blood” 2), stories by and about, in her case, “Indian peoples, nations, and civilizations,” the “un-seeing” of which “is obvious” (3). For me, the gay high-school English teacher’s identity construction as revealed in his diary is also such a story, one with which I intend to counter people’s don't ask, don ’1 tell mentality. It is a story that I too “am not able to escape or i gnore.” as Powell declares 15 A (M.Am through tell Shat Genre] languag: understa c0Mm§ I‘ll. Dra compose make hi. hmhr: On Ihlt‘: “lid! is . 10 “if“ C (3). And it is a story through which I can show how identity formation comes about through the act of composing, an idea which has been widely researched.8 To help me tell Shaun’s story, I draw upon Genre theory. Genre Theory In Writing Genres, Amy Devitt highlights the significant impact of genre on language use and the subsequent importance of genre theory in helping researchers better understand “more generally . . . how people operate . . . within their societies and ' cultures” (2); in other words, “how people use language to make their way in the world” (9). Drawing on various genre theorists, I use genre theory to help show how Shaun composes his selflrood—his identities—within his diary, identities which enable him to make his way in life. I argue that the diary genre helps him compose his various identities: social (including racial and socioeconomic), sexual, religious, and academic. To do so, I draw on three aspects of genre theory in general: the older classificatory aspects (Shaun knows what is supposed to be in a diary, and he follows these generic guidelines, which relates to “invention” in the composition sense), the technological aspects (the diary volume publisher’s pre-printed template pages both enable and constrain the writing, which 8 For example, in the foreword to Carol Witherell and Nel Noddings collection of teachers’ stories, Stories Lives Tell: Narrative and Dialogue in Education, educational philosophy researcher Maxine Greene points out that “there is . . . a common theme [to this book]: the ways in which stories—and myths, and diaries. and histories—give shape and expression to what would otherwise be untold about ‘our lives’” (x). In their prologue, the editors, Witherell and Noddings, discuss one of their authors (Carolyn Heilbrun) as writing that “we live to invent our lives through our texts” (I), an idea also asserted by Joanne E. Cooper later in the volume, who states “we write to create ourselves. to give voice to our experiences, to learn who we are” (1 11). In their epilogue, Witherell and Noddings emphasize the importance of stories as “powerful research tools” in that “they provide us with a picture of real people in real situations, struggling with real problems” (280). As another example, composition researcher Howard Tinberg discusses participants in his writing workshop seminar as coming to understand that “writing ‘creates a new consciousness’” and “that by writing ‘you become’” (49). He relates that Walter Ong “sees writing as altering fundamentally our sense of ourselves” (47). and he asserts that “writing is then truly ‘composing,’ a bringing together of disparate parts” (47). All of these ideas help support my own argument that Shaun is composing his identity within his diary, an act which the diary itself helps enable. 16 relate: the ne being.- Teaehc literate: 01011;}: f SUZLiki: relates to invention again in the composition sense, but beyond simple classification), and the newer social action aspects (the composing of identity—the literal invention of the self, or rather, selves, which is a social process given Cushman’s concept of identity being about social networks, or interrelations with others, as I mentioned within the Teacherly Identity section, above). My diary study partly responds to genre researcher Catherine Schryer’s (2002) call for other genre researchers to “develop research projects that combine contextual and textual approaches[,] . . . . genre research that provides both participant accounts as well as analytical, close readings of texts that instantiate a genre” (74). A review of the literature shows that few such studies using diaries of gay teachers have been undertaken, though several studies of using diaries in teacher education exist (e. g., Bailey; Numrich; Suzuki; McDonough), as do some studies of teachers’ diaries (e.g., Kaufman; Codell; Appel).9 Review of the Literature Aside from a need for this study as established in the areas of identity construction (including teacherly identity), studying teachers’ lives, American cultural rhetorics, and genre theory, another source of support for such a study is the lack of 9 However, there are studies of the life writings of homosexuals in general, including their diaries and journals. Margaretta Jolly reviews three such studies: Paul Robinson’s Gay Lives: Homosexual Autobiography from John A ddington Symonds to Paul Monette, which includes diaries and memoirs of British, French, and American “great autobiographers” (725 ): Jill Liddington’s Female Fortune: Land, Gender, and Authority: The Anne Lister Diaries and Other Writings. 1833-36, which focuses on Lister (who was not a teacher); and Nicky Hallett’s Lesbian Lives: Identity and Auto/Biography in the Twentieth Century, which looks at lesbian writing in various genres. diaries included, particularly with an “emphasis on the textual strategies and codes involved in representing lesbian desire” (727). Robinson’s study does include two diarists, but neither were teachers, though they. like Shaun. kept diaries for many years as Robinson writes. and their diaries were published, at least in part. as Robinson notes (xi, 264). Also, Robinson notes that in their memoirs of coming out (which “move in the direction of identity politics” [xvii]). Christopher lsherwood and Martin Duberman. both of whom were teachers at one time or another. quote from their diaries (xvii, 105, 262). as does John Addington Symonds. a nineteenth-century Oxford teacher, in his memoir (l6). l7 diaries ' Bibllrtg 6.046 p before f three ILL none \K; 101.11 a“. 01‘ the I; literaru; studies of the diaries or journals of gay teachers. Not only are teacher stories in general hard to find, as teacher educators William Schubert and William Ayers point out (150); diaries written by gay teachers are also rare, as evidenced in Arksey et al.’s An Annotated Bibliography of Published American Diaries and Journals, which contains references to 6,046 published diaries and journals up through 1984. Of these, 2,782 were written before 1861, and 3,263 after. Included in the pre-1861 total are diaries written by forty- three teachers: thirteen females, twenty-eight males, one jointly, and one not specified; none were identified as having been written by homosexuals. Included in the post-1861 total are diaries written by 112 teachers: fifty-five females and fifty-seven males. None of the females, but two of the males were identified as homosexuals—one who taught literature at Harvard, and one whose diary covered only the three weeks he spent in a psychiatric hospital. Furthermore, in a 1995 bibliography of teachers’ stories, of seventy- seven stories included, only twelve related to diaries or journals, and none of the authors were identified as being homosexual (Maldonado et a1. 219-228). And in another bibliography of teachers’ stories, published in 1999, of 118 works included, only two were listed as being based on diaries and three were listed as being based on journals (Clarkson 220—230). Only one work included gay teachers: Kevin Jennings book, which I mentioned above. My own search of electronic databases uncovered no other published diaries written by gay teachers. Several studies do exist that focus on teachers and teaching, including gay teachers (again invoking teacherly identity politics). Asserting the importance of understanding “who we are as historical, political, social, and cultural beings in order to gain a fuller sense of the complexity of the relationship between teacher . . . [and] student,” Spack looks at "the testimonies of other teachers and scholars on their own 18 struggle: "discoye racial cl: ways in concealr ht)“ Sn; at least i p—u—d struggles to define their authority in the world of academic multiculturalism” (10). She “discovered how these teachers make visible—or keep invisible—their racial/class/cultural/religious/ language/sexual identities” and “became aware of some ways in which pedagogy and scholarship demand or allow for this (in)visibility through concealment or disclosure of the personal lives of teachers” (10). It is interesting to see how Shaun negotiates his own invisibilities, never making them visible in the classroom, at least in the first twenty-one years of the diary I have read (see chapters 6 and 7). In another study, Rensenbrink has a narrower focus when she interviews and _ observes an out, lesbian, fifth grade teacher. She first tells the teacher’s life history, drawn from interviews, and in the process, highlights “the theme of her [the teacher’s] developing consciousness, what she was able to know and understand about her life and herself at different times” (259). Also focusing on sexual orientation, but complicating it with AIDS, anthropologist William Tierney uses postmodernism and critical theory as his analytical lens through which to tell the life story of a gay university professor who died of AIDS. He gathered his data through interviews with the professor (a methodology that has both pros and cons, which I further explore below in relation to diaries). Also related to sexuality, Paula Salvio, a researcher into literacy, composition, and biography, explores the teaching life of Anne Sexton, a poet and teacher at various colleges and universities, and a collaborator in the Teachers and Writers Collaborative in the 19605. Salvio draws on feminist theory to explore the problems of “navigating the appropriate distance between teachers and students, the relationship between emotional life and knowledge, and the difficult questions surrounding identification and separation in the classroom” (94). To do this, she draws on lecture notes Sexton created at Colgate University, as well as on journals and notes students sent Sexton (kept in an archive by 19 theLr nnneti lhaxe I).\fer lconrfii QUILT BS“. belting d, RSE'Tdk Psfivw1b OIIJCnu and Hit ‘ the University of Texas). In chapter 6, I will discuss how Shaun navigated these minefields in his diary. Two additional studies in particular speak to the need in the field for the research I have conducted. In the first, teacher educators Douwe Beijaard, Nico Verloop, and Jan D. Vermunt point out that up till now, little research has been done on teachers’ professional identity and, except for so-called “life-cycle” research, . . . the way they develop this identity. However, some research attempts are being undertaken now, but . . . in most cases this research lacks a clear definition of a teacher’s professional identity. (750) I contribute to this body of knowledge by looking at teacherly identity as it relates to other aspects of identity formation. Tire researchers do point out that much research is being done on “teachers’ teaching contexts, their experiences, and biographies” (752). Regarding the latter, the authors draw on Carter and Doyle’s assertion that “in view of a person becoming a teacher, . . . a biographical perspective emphasizes the transformation of identity, the adaptation of personal understandings and ideals to institutional realities, and the decision about how to express oneself in classroom identity” (qtd. in Beijaard et al. 753). Beijaard, et al.’s study focuses on the way teachers “perceive themselves as teachers and what factors contribute to these perceptions” (749). They studied eighty “experienced secondary school teachers’ current and prior perceptions of their professional identity” via a questionnaire and found that “most teachers’ current perceptions of their professional identity reportedly differ significantly from their prior perceptions of this identity during their period as beginning teachers” (749). Since I use a diary mostly written in real time instead of a questionnaire drawing on memories. I am 20 benerat idenhn expert. a suhectr concept; better able to address these issues. Furthermore, they describe teachers’ professional identity “in terms of the teacher as a subject matter expert, the teacher as a pedagogical expert, and the teacher as a didactical expert” (750). In an earlier study, they used “the subject one teaches, the relationship With students, and the teacher’s role or role conception” (750), but found it difficult for teachers to address those areas in a questionnaire (751). My studying a diary made this easier as diary writing is very different from answering questionnaires. In addition, they emphasize the importance of doing studies of teachers’ self perceptions—“their professional identity”—as “their perceptions, plus [various influencing factors described in the study] . . . as well as predispositions, strongly influence their judgments and behavior” (762). They assert that “researchers who emphasize the personal dimension in teaching are particularly interested in how teachers’ personal life experiences in the past interact with their professional lives” (753), a topic in which I, too, am interested, and one I address in chapters 6 and 7. In their study, they “assumed that teachers’ teaching context, experience, and biography are categories of factors that may influence their perceptions of their professional identity,” but they did not find any significance in their study (using a “one-way analysis of variance”) and could therefore not come to any conclusions (761). My diary study better addresses these influences as a diary does not rely on memory as much as a questionnaire. In terms of memory, Richard Beach, who researches critical literacy, points to the advantages a diary has over other means in that “one’s stage in life will affect how one interprets or portrays events” (57). With diaries, “the events are written when they occurred—not filtered through memory at some much later date” (57; see also Huberrnan 22 and Lomask 89).IO '0 While memory may not be as much of a factor in a diary as it would in a genre that draws upon more '71 b differen that not 'the rat Inst. I nllld~- l‘Ol Se" A \ an“. t. . \ ‘. 31:51»... r .l . (a. I \I ’r" “J I‘v. 1__\ Cr. H" , . 'C it: I» 5v- a. N]... The second study that speaks to a particular need for new research does so for a different kind of research, but focuses on diaries. Psychologist Christopher Burt states that not many empirical studies have been done on the act of keeping a diary, especially “the nature of diary entries and what motivates diary keeping” (171). He further states [a]lthough the behavior of diary-keeping has received little empirical attention, psychologists, psychiatrists and sociologists have used diaries to study life events. Researchers have attempted to “reason” from the contents of diaries to investigate various phenomenon, such as religious experience . . . , adolescent love and relationships . . . , family disorganization . . . , the social meaning of suicide . . . , and the experience of aging. . . . (172) He cites researchers for each category, but many of them did their research several decades ago. He then describes his own study, in which he surveyed college students twice in order to look at why they kept diaries. He found that diaries gave the subjects a way to organize their lives as well as outlets for “thoughts, feelings, and emotions” (171). He presents a table (177) analyzing the frequency of several kinds of diary entries uncovered by his study: life events (48.1%), thoughts/feelings/emotions (33.4%), others’ life experiences (11.5%), world events (6.6%), and “other” such as poetry or ideas (.4%). In Shaun’s case, even though life events take a greater precedence, probably accounting for seventy-five percent of his entries. the other types of entries follow a similar distant experiences (like memoir). it still acts as a filter of the experiences. as do both perception and interpretation (including my own perceptions and interpretations as a researcher. a topic I discuss in chapter 2). Even so, the advantage of using a diary to reconstruct something as complicated as identity construction is important. However, in chapters 3 and 8. 1 will discuss a change in the way Shaun kept his diary, a change that has implications related to Beach‘s points about memory. but one that took place near the end of the period 1 read. minimizing these implications. 22 hreald'i his (liar; who res account I581. S: (teachit‘ “1131113. issues t. “hat \.; categor chapter 011T] SI u breakdown, though I did not actually calculate the figures within the forty-five years of his diary. Last in terms of others’ studies that show the need for my own, Jo McDonough, who researches English language teaching, points out that “there are very few accessible accounts of diary-keeping by teachers going about their ordinary business [of teaching]” (58). She conducted a study in which three English for Academic Purposes teachers (teaching the same class as she did) kept four-week diaries, which she analyzed. She “wanted to see on a broader canvas than just [her] . . . own introspection, what kinds of issues teachers are preoccupied by, how they perceive the ‘same’ class, and to reflect on what value an experienced teacher might see in the diary genre”'(59). She, too, categorized the diary entries, which I have done as well, but in a different way (see chapter 2). In short, there is clearly a need for more research, a need which led to my own study, the details of which I explain in chapter 2. 23 Shaun 1 shelf. F- ptlSOT... m} tea. . Value : Rules chalite: lfiafhfj ' \.f: is. Chapter 2 Methodology As I mentioned in chapter 1, I had been fascinated with the forty-one volumes of Shaun O’Hare’s diary ever since I first saw them. Besides being eye-catching on the shelf, bound in covers of various colors, they promised a rare glimpse into a teacher’s personal life, an interest of mine I can trace back to second grade when I first saw one of my teachers outside of the classroom (she lived in an apartment building across from my grandparents’ building). Since then, I found it interesting to listen to teachers share details fiom their lives. Perhaps it was because such details humanized teachers; not only could I look up to them, but I could see them as people who also had to negotiate life, just as I did, though often in different ways. In any case, Shaun’s diary took on scholarly value for me as I completed my Ph.D. coursework at Michigan State University in critical studies in the teaching of English (especially composition), including courses in qualitative methodology, genre theory, American cultural rhetorics, and studying teachers’ lives. I decided to study the diary for my dissertation.11 I began my study by reading one-and-a-half years’ worth of the diary as a pilot— September, 1954 through December, 1955, Shaun’s first year-and-a-half at college. I chose these years because I teach first and second-year college students and thought it would be interesting to read of such a student’s account of this time period. It was, especially in light of American cultural rhetorical theory, which values “unheard stories” ” My research into qualitative methodology was guided by Ellen Cushman, genre theory by Kathleen Geissler, and American cultural rhetorics by Malea Powell (who. along with Marilyn Wilson. constituted my Ph.D. guidance committee). My research into studying teachers' lives was guided by Steven Weiland, who introduced me to its related theory (e.g., Bruner; Huberman; McAdams: Hauser; Lynn; Steffy and Wolfe) and practice. To help me better understand how scholars wrote about people’s lives, he suggested reading two works in particular that demonstrated the extremes: Gerald Handel’s Making a Life in Y orkville: Experiences and Meaning in the Life-Course Narrative of an Urban Working-Class Man (which he explained is light on interpretation and contains little historical analysis) and Ruth Behar’s Translated Woman: Crossing the Boarder with Esperanza 's Story (which includes lots of interpretation and analysis). 24 and “counter-stories,” as I explained in chapter 1, quoting Powell (“Blood” 2). In my pilot study, I found that Shaun’s entries told an interesting story as they included what he did, whom he saw, how he spent his money, and how he felt, mentally and physically, especially as he struggled with his sexual orientation and lack of money. However, further research into the literature showed me how these entries could also be interesting in other ways, including when interpreted with genre theory. Using genre theory, I found that the preprinted diary volumes themselves seemed to be affecting his entries in ways I first mentioned in chapter 1 and fully explain in chapter 3. Also, while Shaun’s entries are the types of entries one would expect to find within the diary genre, I noted in the literature that Devitt emphasizes how “genre scholars . . . look . . . not to patterns of form to define genre but to patterns of action” (12). Indeed, within his entries, I soon discovered that Shaun was following a pattern of action in composing his various identities: social (including socioeconomic and racial), sexual, religious, and academic (as both a student and teacher). Therefore, being careful to heed historian Andrew J. Dunar’s warning that “generalizations we derive from categorization can often be misleading” (I), I decided to use these as categories under which to organize interesting parts of Shaun’s entries by year, entries that were interesting in how they helped me understand Shaun’s identity formation. As Dunar explains, “categorization is one way that people make sense of things” in that it can help “us understand trends, long-term developments, and themes” (1). As a result of categorizing the data in my pilot study in this way, I could see that there were many trends, developments, and themes within the diary which I could discuss in my dissertation. 25 and an; ranch years c: chapter 113.70“ l'I‘SIIIIl'I‘ lther r .I'A j" l'v‘!‘ ”MI. >! .A" .' I“ 5; At this point, realizing that forty-five years of diary could take many years to read and analyze, I decided to narrow my focus for my dissertation. To help me decide how to narrow down my study, I read each end-of-year “memoranda” entry as well as the few years of monthly “memoranda” entries that were in the diary (which I fully explain in chapter 3). Based on these entries and those I read for my pilot study, I decided to narrow my study to Shaun’s initial identity formation, and I formulated the following five research questions: 1. How does Shaun O’Hare write himself into being within his diary? 2. How does the technology of the diary enable his identity construction? 3. What are the shifts in his identities over the years? 4. How does the diary itself change over the years? 5. What effects on Shaun’s teacherly identity do his other identities have (or vice versa)? . I then read the diary volumes until I could answer these questions, which turned out to be the period 1950 through 1971, about half of the diary (though I also read some excerpts from a few other years). '2 As I read, I continued to take careful notes, including quoted excerpts from the diary, of what struck me as interesting in light of Shaun’s identity formation, organizing them by the above-mentioned identity categories and especially looking for what Schmidt calls “critical moments” in life (11) that “make a difference in what and who we are and are becoming” (12). When I encountered such a statement, I highlighted it for future reference. I ended up with approximately 275 pages of typed notes, mostly single-spaced, which I analyzed in light of the theory related to identity ‘2 As my third question implies, and as several researchers into identity attest (see chapter 1 as well as below), identities can shift over time, even after they have been initially formed. As McAdams puts it. “Identity concerns . . . wax and wane across the adult life course" (“Personal” 486), which is a condition I had also found to be true with Shaun as he formed his initial identities. 26 polities. 1 genre a: Shaun .‘ social. s where S identit}. PP- 3’ renter- identit; Marcia 513.15 7 Primes politics, teacherly identity, studying teachers’ lives, American cultural rhetorics, and genre as I explained in chapter 1. I looked over these notes for any epiphanies related to Shaun’s initial identity formation—any indication that he had formed at least part of his social, sexual, religious, and academic identities. In other words, I looked for places where Shaun extemalized his “sense of self,” which is how several researchers define identity (e.g., Akerlof and Kranton 1168; Jackson 579+; Zirkel 359; see also chapter 1, pp. 5-7). Brief research into adolescent identity construction from a psychological perspective helped me see the importance of such moments. Within the field of psychology, Aubyn S. Fulton, who researches adolescent identity construction, highlights the importance of developmental psychologist James E. Marcia’s work in relation to Erik Erikson’s. Marcia, Fulton explains, created an “identity status paradigm” (1) in order to investigate a person’s progress in forming identities, a process which involves four identity statuses: Diffusion (those who are not exploring and have no enduring commitments); Foreclosed (those who have not explored, but have made a commitment, usually to identity alternatives offered by authority figures); Moratorium (those who are currently exploring but have no enduring commitments); and Achieved (those who have made an exploration out of which has emerged enduring, self-chosen commitments). (1 -2) By reading the first twenty-two years of Shaun’s diary, 1 found that Shaun was beyond the Diffusion status for all of his identities before he began his diary, was in a modified Foreclosed status concerning his religious identity (i.e., he made an unexplored commitment to Catholicism, but modified it to accommodate his sexual identity). and had 27 mostl} r at least . follow? liltmllk' mostly reached Marcia’s Achieved status for his social, sexual, and academic identities, at least as evidenced by statements that he wrote in his diary (which I include in the following chapters). Importantly, however, Fulton points out that some researchers see identities as “provisionally achieved” (9) and, therefore, see Marcia’s model as too limiting. Some researchers in teacher education agree. For example, Karyn Cooper and Margaret R. Olson assert that “identity formation is an ongoing process that involves the interpretation and reinterpretation of our experiences as we live through them— suggesting that focusing on transactive relationships rather than linear models might provide a deeper understanding of the multiple ‘I’s’ of identity” (80). This theory would go along with the poststructuralist concept of identity being “subject to change,” which Peirce (9) notes (as do many of the researchers I drew upon in chapter 1); also, it fits into the “patterns of action” aspects of genre theory that Devitt highlights, as I explained above (see p. 25). Even so, Marcia’s model is especially helpful in understanding how Shaun was forming his identities, especially when interpreted along with these other theories. While Shaun’s identities may indeed have been provisional (I would have to read the rest of the diary to find out), the epiphanies that I highlighted and included in this dissertation were strong enough to make me comfortable in declaring Shaun’s having “achieved” the formations of most of his identities in the sense Marcia defines (“enduring self-chosen commitments”), as well as in the sense of Shaun’s finally being able to live with himself without anguish or intense discomfort; in other words, he not only knows who he is, but has also come to accept it after much struggle. This aspect of “struggle” is perhaps where all of these theories come together since it is transactive and 28 anolV'CS as Shaur interprei male \.; method explain Derzir. the Ito; 311" \l‘i: rs l~ CULI]: , ‘. “‘95 . “lid: ‘ involves interpretation and reinterpretation (which all could be part of “experimentation”) as Shaun demonstrates in his diary within the twenty-two—year period I read. The fact that everything I assert about Shaun and his diary comes through my own interpretation is important. In carrying out my study, and in making my interpretations, I made various assumptions—ontological, epistemological, axiological, rhetorical, and methodological—as do all researchers who conduct qualitative research, as Creswell explains (74). Understanding these assumptions is important because, as Norman Denzin, who is particularly interested in interpretive biography, points out, drawing on the work of Jacques Derrida, “there is no clear window into the inner life of a person, for any window is always filtered through the glaze of language, signs, and the process of signification” (14). Therefore, he asserts “there can never be a clear, unambiguous statement of anything, including an intention or a meaning” (14). Furthermore, educational researchers Lynda Measor and Patricia Sikes assert that lots of theory proves “both an ethical and a methodological failure involved in not recognizing the role of the researcher in the construction of the narrative and the text” (212; see also Goodson and Sikes 48). By carefully explaining my research assumptions, including my role as researcher, I hope to better establish the credibility of my research findings, which still remain, even so, my personal interpretations. My Research Assumptions As I stated above, I made research assumptions in five areas, assumptions which could be debated, but nevertheless helped me answer my research questions. First, I made an important ontological assumption. I needed to consider “the nature of reality”— what counts asan object I can study (Creswell 74). In my case, I had access to nearly 29 forty-five years of diary entries, a form of a subjective personal narrative.13 The use of such an “object” is not without controversy. For example, the diaries are intensely personal, both for him (though he is now dead) and, to a lesser extent, for me, having, for example, invoked myself in the introduction to this dissertation as well as this chapter, thereby mixing the personal and the academic. '4 However, mixing the personal and the academic is no longer taboo, as the research shows. For example, Holdstein and Bleich assert that it “is only now [2001] becoming acceptable in the humanities . . . to admit the full range of human experience into formal scholarly writing” (1 ), something they assert has taken about twenty years to happen (2). Furthermore, the literature shows that mixing the personal and the scholarly can be valuable. Holdstein and Bleich also state that “scholarly uses and examinations of personal experiences help to articulate relationships among a variety of disciplines” (5) such as, as I have done in this dissertation, composition, teacher education, and, to a small extent, psychology. Even so, there is some lingering controversy in using such personal accounts as diaries or other narratives as evidence. [As an extreme example of this controversy, Robert Graham, 3 rhetorician interested in autobiographical inquiry, argues that gay or lesbian teacher narratives are “either inappropriate or too controversial to appear in the pages of a research journal” (187), a finding with which I disagree. Also, although rhetorician Susan MacDonald wants to call the rhetoric/composition field “an enlightened, flexible social science,” she 1" Along with the diary, my friend also gave me a box of photographs and other documents such as newspaper clippings, poetry, yearbooks, and a “Mental Hygiene ‘Log,’” a graduate course assignment I discuss briefly in chapter 3 and at length in chapter 7. '4 Because of the intensely personal nature of the diary. and because many of those who knew him—as well as those who are mentioned in the diary—may still be alive, 1 use pseudonyms throughout (without using brackets. unless I am quoting something someone else had written such as the teacher comments Shaun sometimes quoted). 30 argues t: figures I much at compns lemme wmuh' 1. inch. auto. hi 211. add : CORSITJ. consrae immed. l Instr, Watt MCDtg-f Olhhu l’flf‘ure Seattle a: flag nt argues that there is too much focus on personal writing and identity, citing presentation figures from the 1998 CCCC program. She shows how there was “eighteen times as much attention” to this than to more “traditional epistemic research subjects in composition” (116). However, Holdstein and Bleich counter that “personal writing has become a collective interest as a necessary context for scholarship and pedagogy” (6), something apparent in the 2007 CCCC call for proposals, which, as I explained in chapter 1, included for the first time a presentation category entitled “Life writing, memoir, auto/biography, and identities.” Further supporting the value of such research, Gibson et al. add that “storytelling is the way we compose our lives; all identity, all social construction, begins with narratives” (71). And that diaries are important narratives to consider is also clear; librarian Laura Arksey highlights diaries as a way to get “to the immediate experiences and attitudes” of the writer (20), which I tried to do with Shaun as I answered my research questions. Several other researchers attest to the value of diaries, narratives, stories, and anecdotes, especially those in teacher education (e.g., McDonough; Doecke et al.; Sumara and Luce-Kapler). However, I still needed to think of how socially/historically situated an identity is, and how a diary helped me get at the nature of that lived reality (which I explain fully in chapter 4 and touch on below). A second important area of debate concerns epistemological assumptions. Epistemologically, I needed to consider “the relationship between the researcher [me] and that being researched [Shaun]” (Creswell 75). Simply put, he is dead and we had never met. This brings up the controversy of one speaking for others—the whole insider/outsider debate—or, as Wendy Hesford, who researches identity from a feminist perspective, phrases it, “who can speak for whom and in what contexts?” (xxiii). In their own work on researcher self-reflexivity. Ellen Cushman and Terese Monberg highlight Patricia Sullivan’s version of this question: “Who is telling the story, the researcher or the ‘researched’? . . . . What gives her the right to speak for another, to tell another’s story?” (168). In my case, if I did not tell it, few others could, as “the researched” is dead and only one other person—the one who lent me the diaries—has access to them. In my review of the literature, I uncovered many references to this debate that helped me better understand the issues. For example, South Asian literature researcher Janet Powers (drawing on Trinh T. Minh—Ha) explains that “the question of representing the other has become fraught with issues of rhetoric and power, as post colonial theory takes the issue to sophisticated levels of interpretation, and political correctness becomes a creed rather than the result of changed perception” (73). These issues can be alleviated somewhat by keeping in mind Tiemey’s assertion that “the researcher’s task is not to discover the ‘true’ interpretation, for none exists; instead, the challenge is to uncover the multiple voices at work in society that have been silenced” (99), an important charge. Uncovering Shaun’s voice, to me, is just such a task. Further regarding the insider/outsider debate, I would argue that just because I am using a diary does not automatically make me an outsider. Andrew Gitlin, who researches teacher education, asks “how can we understand the ‘other’ from an insider’s point of View?” (2). McDonough provides an answer by pointing to the value of diaries as being “a real insider instrument” (63), a value I have well noted in reading Shaun’s diary. Importantly, however, Gibson et al. call for moving “beyond the essentialist act of situating ourselves as scholars authorized to speak about specific issues; we want instead to argue for a kind of universal authorization of discourse” (70), which sounds useful to me. It seems. then, that I can lay to rest the insider/outsider debate and focus instead on b) to helping I interpret values" I u ell as r incapabl Rhetori. b} 85.567 Person: H0.“ ex ; mduh notneee identiti. Comp-o, Lhese i. the ink. 39.9fm? ll‘lcludk helping Shaun tell his story, a task that brings up axiological issues related to interpretation, 3 third area of assumptions I made. Third, in terms of axiological assumptions, I needed to consider “the role of values” (Creswell 74), particularly my values and how they might shape the narrative as well as my interpretation. Tierney emphasizes how the “researcher-cum-author” is incapable “of objectively describing any given reality” (98), with which I agree. Rhetorician Robert Root (who also writes literary nonfiction) takes this idea a bit further by asserting that “the commitment the writer brings to a subject is always on some level personal, a voyage of discovery within the writer as much as within the subject” (8). However, while my personal beliefs and values may color how I interpret Shaun’s diary, and while my reasons for wanting to research Shaun may be personal, my findings are not necessarily so, since I am explaining my interpretation of how Shaun composes his identities within his diary, not how Shaun’s identities relate to mine or how I have composed my own identities. Creswell recommends that the researcher acknowledge these issues in the writing, as well as discuss his or her own interpretations in addition to the interpretations of the researched (75 ). I have certainly tried to do this where appropriate, but because Shaun makes few interpretations in the diary, most of what I include is my own interpretation, through both the personal and academic lens. Above, I explained that I first approached the diary out of a sense of curiosity mixed with awe, but with continued graduate work, I came to see the diary as having academic value as well as personal value. Quite literally, the “medium of exchange” behind this “value” was interpretation—my interpretation. Of course, the issue of one’s own interpretations also very much relates to the issue of self-reflexivity, which is a rhetorical assumption, the fourth area in which I have made research assumptions. 33 researc literary. the rese rhetoric those 1 ’ reflexi‘. SIOT} a: C ushrr.. social. “hat 5:. 90mp1; SPeaki.‘ Fourth, I made rhetorical assumptions, which mainly involves the language of the research. Creswell points out that “the language of qualitative studies becomes personal, literary, and based on definitions that evolve during a study rather than being defined by the researcher at the beginning of the study” (77). The language I use reflects my rhetorical stance, which relates to my distance from the topic. This issue, like many of those I have discussed above, is controversial. Once again, I had to consider how self- reflexive I should be, especially in light of my emphasis on the importance of Shaun’s story and relative unimportance of my own story. Furthermore, I had to consider Cushman and Guinsatao’s assertion that “unless personal reflection is tied back to larger, social, cultural, political, methodological, or theoretical issues, we are hard-pressed to see what such self-reflection offers to us as readers” (170). The issue becomes more complicated when one ties self reflexivity to issues of credibility and the aforementioned speaking for others. Researchers in women’s studies have interesting ways of making such ties, ways which helped me make my own. For example, literary researcher Katherine Mayberry identifies the “debate over identity-based credibility (teaching what you are versus teaching what you’re not)” as being the “most visible expression of identity politics in higher education” (3). This relates to the epistemological issue of speaking for others in the sense that, as philosopher Linda Alcoff asserts, “a speaker’s location (. . . her social location or social identity) has a . . . significant impact on that speaker’s claims and can serve either to authorize or de-authorize her speech” and therefore, “both the study of and the advocacy for the oppressed must be done principally by the oppressed themselves” (98). So must my self-reflexivity go so far as to establish this type of credibility or a lack thereof? In other words. in addition to self-identifying as an English teacher, which 34 I have already done, would I need to self-identify as gay, Catholic, and working class in order to be credible? I do not think so. The issue of credibility relates to the axiological issues of validity and the legitimacy of using diaries as well as to the rhetorical issues of verification, transferability, and confirrnability. Regarding these issues, Ruth Ray, who researches the telling of life stories, asserts that “what is relevant to the researcher is meeting other researchers’ standards for intellectual rigor and contributing to the knowledge base by building on theory” (61 ), something I have tried to do in my telling of Shaun’s story. I agree with Denzin, who advocates favoring “a concern for meaning and interpretation” over “a preoccupation with method, validity, reliability, generalizability, and theoretical relevance of the biographical method” (ctd. in Creswell 205). Even though meaning and interpretation were my main concerns in studying the diary, I still considered issues of validity, especially my right to speak for Shaun. This question is—as Spack (l 6) asserts—very difficult. Alcoff, in trying to answer this question for herself, finds that there are situations in which one can speak for a different other—as long as one does so “out of a concrete analysis of the particular power relations and discursive effects involved” (111).15 This said, the issues of power relations these researchers are talking about usually refer to those of the researcher and participant(s), and this does not really apply to my work, since my participant is dead and I have no power over him that could affect the results of my study (or vice versa). Even 50, David Roman, a researcher in American studies, especially related to race and sexuality, still cautions about speaking for the dead. He asks “what means are available to me to speak with the dead—to claim an 1’ Postmodern critical cultural theorist Rosemary Hennessy points out that Alcoff is drawing on Foucault‘s “concept of ‘rituals of speaking’ or discursive practices” (143). 35 identification—without enacting the violence of misrecognition?” (176). I agree that I risk misrecognition—misinterpretation—of Shaun, but I feel the value of telling his story outweighs this risk, and I have been extremely careful in how I used excerpts from his diary (since excerpting them took them out of their context).16 Again, though, self- reflexivity is proposed by some researchers to minimize this risk, especially in speaking for the dead. A possible answer to the issue of speaking for the dead is provided by Salvio, who also brings up the issue of self-reflexivity. Salvio draws on Gilmore’s concept of the “autobiographical demand,” which is “a form of critical life writing in which the demands of autobiography, the call to tell my story, and the demands of biography, the call to tell your story, coincide” (114). The concept asserts that when telling someone else’s story, one’s own story comes into play. Salvio explains that Gihnore’s concept accounts for the tension between the storyteller’s story and the subject’s story by “mingling a range of forms: biography, memoir, autobiography, poetry, the essay, and theoretical writing” (114). Writing in this way is “auto/biography,” and it performs an important function—to relieve the “double bind faced by a writer who inherits the unavoidable tasks to speak for the dead and to properly address a traumatized past that is unspeakable because it remains shrouded in shame” (114). Since I am speaking for the dead (Shaun) and part of his story is “unspeakable” in the eyes of some (particularly those parts related to homosexual sex), I could have used Salvio’s approach (other '6 In many of the quotes, I removed unnecessary details, including in some cases complete sentences. However, I was very careful not to distort any meaning. Sometimes Shaun began a reflection or provided important details that also included unrelated details. For example, here is an excerpt from a long quotation I use in chapter 6: “Daisy & I had coffee at Breck’s resturant. Gina talked to us (some progress.) . . . . I drove thru town-mo luck” (4/4/56). Here is this part of the quote in full: “Daisy & I had coffee at Breck’s resturant. Gina talked to us (some progress.) Then I went to Grams returned & ate. I drove thru town--no luck.” In chapter 6, I discuss Shaun’s sexual identity formation. which the first two and last sentences address; the third sentence is irrelevant and therefore unnecessary. By removing it, I have not altered the context (and have saved a lot of space). 36 again. comp more persoi that \\ “'l’iici 33 CT: COHGL researchers who address the issue of self-reflexivity as it relates to identity, including self-disclosure, include Tierney [107], Hesford [xiv], and Mutnick [82]). However, again, my study is of how Shaun composes his various identities, and how I have composed my own seems irrelevant, as does whether I share his identities. What seems more important is keeping in mind Denzin’s view that our main concern should be for the person we are studying, as their life and story are divulged to us with the understanding that we will protect them, an understanding which allows the writing of “life documents that speak to the human dignity, the suffering, the hopes, the dreams, the lives gained, and the lives lost by the people we study” (83). I also agree with Tiemey’s assertion that “a text is a construction among multiple constituencies—subject, researcher, narrator, author, and, ultimately, reader” (106). Therefore, I had to carefully consider my methodological assumptions, the last area in which I made research assumptions to help answer my research questions. Methodologically, I needed to choose how I would go about my study, a choice which was easy, given the success of my pilot study. Like most qualitative researchers, as Creswell points out (77), I began inductively, much like Creswell explains one conducting a case study Would do, where the researcher looks for initial themes (such as, in my case, sex, happiness, money, religion, family issues, and so on), then groups them “into broader and more abstract categories later” (77) such as my identity categories. Then in my full study, I did what one conducting a phenomenological study would do: I detailed “individual statements [in the diary] . . . about experiences with the phenomenon [i.e., composing a particular identity] before moving to meanings and clusters of meanings” (77) to show, for example, changes over time in Shaun’s initial identity 37 thnnath that to had to c theoreti News hilt)“ c pedago is locat (llSe‘uss formation. Importantly, however, as I conducted my study, I once again had to consider what counts as a valid interpretation. In other words, in addition to the axiological and rhetorical issues of validity, I had to consider how I came to my interpretations, which involved choosing the theoretical lens or lenses through which I would answer my research questions. Naturally, such choices are not without controversy. Ray discusses research as knowledge construction (52). Hesford points out that “particular frames—theoretical, pedagogical, or otherwise—shape and limit the knowledge we produce” and that “power is located in the cultural practice of enframing” (xiii). Many of the issues I have discussed above center around the issue of power and which knowledge-making perspective is best, as Ray (1993) explains: the “interpretive, humanistic view” or the “analytical, social science view” (145-146). Clearly, I mainly used the former means, though I did do some analytical analysis related to the types and sizes of the diary entries (e. g., the memoranda, which I discuss in chapter 3). In short, drawing upon various theories within the fields of rhetoric, composition, and teacher education, especially in the areas of composing and identity (including identity politics and teacherly identity), studying teachers’ lives, American cultural rhetorics, and genre theory, I have been able to adopt an interpretive, humanistic approach to my study of Shaun’s diary, a study the need for which I established in chapter 1, and one which was significantly helped by my application of genre theory, the topic of chapter 3. 38 lensthr idenntu Chapter 3 Genre Theory and the Diary of Shaun O’Hare In chapter 2, I explained that in my study, I drew on genre theory as a theoretical lens through which to analyze how Shaun composes his selflrood—his various identities—in his diary. In this chapter, I explain the ways in which genre theory was helpful to me. As I wrote in chapter 1, in Writing Genres, Devitt highlights the significant impact of genre on language use and the subsequent importance of genre theory in helping researchers better understand “more generally . . . how people operate . . . within their societies and cultures” (2); in other words, “how people use language to make their way in the world” (9). Drawing on various genre researchers, I use genre theory to help better understand how Shaun composes his selflrood—his identities— within his diary, identities which enable him to make his own “way in the world.” Complicating my application of genre theory to the diary, however, is the fact that genre theory is constantly developing, a condition noted by various researchers in genre theory (from various disciplines). Even genres themselves are in “a constant state of evolution” as Anthony Pare, a researcher in the study and teaching of writing, and Graham Smart, a linguist, note (153). Virtually all genre researchers in the past several years (including Devitt) highlight the importance of Carolyn Miller’s work in precipitating a major shift in genre theory, which they then proceed to build upon. Miller’s work is useful to my study as well. In her seminal work, "Genre as Social Action" (originally published in the Quarterly Journal of Speech 70 [1984]: 151-67), Miller changed the thinking about genre from the old sense of simply a textual form (identifying and classifying literature) to a new sense of genre as social action, in which a focus on exigence (the social 39 mo COD clas 3CC( hurt “66 motive/need) is key. More specifically, quoting Sharon Downey, a researcher in contemporary rhetorical criticism, Miller defines the old sense of genre as “a classification of rhetorical discourses whose recurrent constitutive and regulative rules are similar in distinction and pattern” (35 ). However, Miller proposes that genre not be based on “the substance or the form of discourse but on the action it is used to accomplish,” the “typified rhetorical action” Within a social context (24). This is important, Miller states, because “an understanding of genre can help account for the way we encounter, interpret, react to, and create particular texts” (23), a process which requires that we go well beyond classification. While I agree that the action is important, I have found that in the case of Shaun’s diary, the form of the discourse (in both its classificatory and technical aspects) is also important as it both enables (serves as invention of that action) and constrains that action, action which in Shaun’s case is composing identities. In this chapter, I draw on three aspects of genre theory to help me show this action : l) the older classificatory aspects—Shaun knows what is “supposed to be” in a diary, and he follows these generic guidelines, guidelines which can be classified into various possible actions based upon the substance of the content (the actions serving as means of “invention” in the composition sense); 2) the related technological aspects, or what could be called the technology of the diaryn—the physical size of the diary volume itself and its pre-printed (template) pages both enable and constrain the writing (involving “invention” again in the composition sense, but beyond the classificatory guidelines); and 3) the newer “social action” aspects—the composing of identity, the literal invention of '7 The term, “the technology of the diary,” was suggested to me by Malea Powell during a conversation in which I explained how the preprinted template pages of the diary were prompting Shaun’s reflection, and I further developed my use of it in conversations with my Ph.D. guidance committee. 40 the selfl being at The flu Shaun l1 admits t and l’CCu mite . . are sort 00mm ‘T “titer " ‘e’i‘nre. r What 8, 10 city; Thetor _ eSplat; Which . 1718.53,. his», l L La}: I the self (or rather, selves) which is a social process (recall Cushman’s concept of identity being about social networks, or interrelations with others, as I mentioned in chapter 1). The Classificatory Aspects of Genre The classificatory aspects of genre highlight an important source of invention for Shaun in his diary, and they are not totally unrelated to the social aspects. Even Devitt admits that “they also . . . have some truth to them” (6). Medway, expanding on Miller and recalling discourse and language theorist Mikhail Bakhtin’s assertion “that we can’t write . . . without genres,” declares that “our utterances are intelligible, have meaning and are social actions because they are situated always with reference to a genre, or very commonly, more than one” (148-149). Related to this, Bawarshi explains that when a writer “begins to think about writing his [or her] autobiography [for example] in a certain genre, he [or she] enters into that genre’s discursive and ideological space, including what Bazennan calls its ‘repertoire of possible actions . . . ,’ and so is in part habituated to experience and narrate his [or her] life story in ways made possible by the genre’s rhetorical conventions” (76; this also relates to the technology of the diary, which I explore below). What those possible actions are would depend to a certain extent on which sub genre of autobiography one chooses, and this is an important reason why the classificatory aspect of genre is helpful. For example, Mary Chamberlain (a social historian) and Paul Thompson (a sociologist) discuss a study conducted by Stephan Bohman in Sweden. Bohman, using the classificatory definition of genre, analyzed three autobiographical forms for the same participants (working men): diaries, oral interviews, and memoirs. He found that “the diaries [were] mainly about work and the weather. The memoirs and interviews were more reflective, and often alike, using the same stories and phrases. but with important differences. The written memoirs focus[ed] much more on 41 earl} lit hfimn genre cl oibed: groupst categori intennt -, . . 0031‘: L, Illi‘t‘i'ly‘, encape_ 1) lhe luring... early life, and-they tend[ed] to use a more formal abstract language” (qtd. in Chamberlain & Thompson 14). In other words, “the message had been fundamentally reshaped by the genre chosen” (14). So, too, with Shaun’s diary; in particular, two representative studies of the diary genre in the classificatory sense illustrate this assertion. Both studies analyze groups of diaries and categorize what the authors are doing in these diaries. These categories could be said to implicitly delineate generic guidelines, guidelines that serve as invention, prompting the diary writer into action, even subconsciously. What Shaun is doing can be fit into some of these classifications. Study One: Aronson In his study of twentieth century diaries written by well-known authors, literary theorist Alex Aronson analyses and categorizes them into ten “types” (which, I assert, encapsulate generic themes and constitute possible actions for a diary author) as follows: 1) The Diary as Metaphor (“refuge, friend, island cave” [5]); 2) Underground Diaries (written by those who wanted more recognition than they achieved—often paradoxical and psychologically absurd [14] and escapists from reality [24]); 3) The Image in the Mirror (involving “disguise, falsehood, pretence” [33] and revealing “something very private and significant” [29]—“the mirror speaks the unmistakable language of the self” [29]); 4) Learning to See (imaginary diaries in fiction that let novelists have their characters speak for themselves, giving “explorations of the unconscious” [43]); 5) Learning to Write (by writing down happenings, novelists improve writing that is “true to life” [54]); 6) Naming the Self (creating identity [63]); 7) Musical Selves (“craving for personal fulfillment through life orary,” especially “music heard or unheard” [73]); 8) Eros (“the diary as a confessional of thoughts and passions unmentionable” [83], including those of a homosexual nature [95]); 9) The Published Self (adding “a third 42 dim: that h Arons interp “he DU: r» em}, ~ 'x. dimension to the diary, an anonymous Sharer” by “getting the dialogue between the l and the You into print” [99]); and 10) The Self in Exile (escape from horror [109]—“a shelter from the viciousness and malice of the world” [110]). As I demonstrate in subsequent chapters, Shaun (even though not an “author” in the sense Aronson uses the term) is in effect demonstrating possible actions Six (naming the self) and Eight (Eros); he “knows” that these particular actions are possible within the diary genre in the sense that he enacts them, though he probably does not know this in the same terminology Aronson uses. Aronson’s study (which is certainly not exhaustive) makes it easier to interpret Shaun’s actions, as does Mallon’s. Study Two: Mallon In the second study addressing types/possible actions, literary critic Thomas Mallon breaks diaries into seven categories: 1) chroniclers (record “whatever dominates [their] . . . recollection of the moment, regarding neither shape nor proportion, but only [their] . . . own avidity for noticing and preserving” [8]); 2) travelers (who record days they perceive will be special, more worthy of preservation than “regular” days [42]); 3) pilgrims (discoverers of “who they really are” [75]); 4) creators (artists, poets, writers, etc.); 5) apologists (recorders of details for history/posterity—their take on things [politicians, the scorned, etc.] in a self-justifying way [“I was right,” 209]); 6) confessors (“I was wrong,” [209]; includes those who write about love, about which Mallon writes “whether or not one should put the record of love and loss on paper is an open question: putting love in writing has, after all, cost men and women everything from embarrassment to money to jail terms”—“but the compulsion is strong, and the diary stands with the sonnet and the letter as a place where great love can be immortalized” [195-96]); and 7) prisoners (those who must live through the diary because of physical 43 confin. in effe. (confe doing ' possil‘ sense EXCEP' IHVenj rag, confinement of one kind or another). Again as I illustrate in subsequent chapters, Shaun in effect is demonstrating categories One (chronicler), Three (pilgrim), and Six (confessor) in his diary. Such classifications help with understanding what Shaun is doing in his diary. What studies like this show is that the diary genre enables a wide variety of possible actions, actions with which people who keep diaries are likely familiar (in the sense that they actually enact them, even if subconsciously). In Shaun’s case, with the exception of the subtitle of his first diary volume (explained in the next section), the early volumes do not include any instructions on how to use them; what could serve as invention for Shaun is an understanding of some of these possible actions, or at least an understanding that he could deal with various personal issues by recording them in his diary. In short, even though Mallon calls diaries an “intimate, ruleless genre” (147), a “genre to which it is impossible to ascribe formulas and standards” (291), a sentiment echoed by Aronson due to a diary’s “amorphous structure” (vii), they are both able to classify them nevertheless to show the variety of possible actions diary authors have taken, an understanding of which has helped me interpret Shaun’s diary. However, simple classification of possible actions in a diary is not enough by itself to account for what Shaun is doing in his diary, even though what he is doing fits into some of these classifications; it is the combination of these classifications with the technical aspects of the diary that could be said to provide the motive for his social action of composing identity (or at least enable it) and to even shape (form) the discourse. The Technological Aspects of Genre While Shaun does not explicitly express his motivation for keeping the diary beyond stating he liked writing in it (1/1 1/55). the very format (the technology) and idea 44 oft 35f \\ a) 353 r ,. . L541" ° n lit-v - “if. a lmDIi' Mimi. ltrr _ I of the diary (the classificatory sense of genre delineating a diary writer’s possible actions as explained in the preceding section) could have induced him to write in a particular way, which is why both of these aspects of genre are helpfirl in understanding the diary, as are the social actions it evokes. Bawarshi asserts that “genres, far from being innocent or arbitrary conventions, are at work in rhetorically shaping and enabling not only social practices and subjectivities, but also the desires that elicit such practices and subjectivities” (82). I feel a diary fits into this description, especially in how its technological aspects literally form and shape the discourse, and even embody exigence (along with the classificatory and social aspects). In other words, the printed diary volume is an important part of the diary genre, especially in Shaun’s case.18 Beyond the subtitle of the first diary volume (“A Condensed Comparative Record for Five Years for Recording Events Most Worthy Remembering”), there are no instructions for how to use the diary until the 1959 volume, and by then, Shaun has been keeping a diary for nine years and clearly did not need instruction.19 Perhaps simply having the diary with the template pages was exigence enough for Shaun’s filling them, ’8 Interestingly, Devitt distinguishes between “physical holders into which certain genres are typically placed” (such as “locking diaries”) and genres; she asserts that the former “form part of the context rather than the essence of their genre" (223, note 2). She feels that one could use some other container instead (e.g., “a sketchbook for a personal journal”), and that although certain “physical containers are associated with a genre . . . . [they] are not necessary for a genre to exist—neither necessary nor sufficient” (223). Importantly, however, she acknowledges that users of some particular containers (specifically the architecture student notebooks that Medway studied, a study I also draw upon and explain in my “Social Action” Aspects of Genre section, below) can “see their [containers] . . . as a kind of text; that is the label they give to what they write in it as well as to the physical object” and therefore, “the [container] . . . would seem to be a genre with little formal similarity from one text to the other” (223). While I have seen that the classificatory aspects of genre can help show some formal similarity between diaries. I would agree that a user’s perception of the physical object makes a difference. Based on my analysis of what Shaun is doing in his diary, it seems to me that he uses the printed diary (with its template pages) as a means of invention, not just as a container. Were he to have used some other container for his diary, he may not have responded in the same way. ’9 In the “Introduction” to the 1959 diary volume Shaun uses, the publisher instructs: “Start you diary . . . tonight. Put into it, as briefly as you choose, a note of the things you do, the friends who share your experiences, your work, your joys and sorrows. Let your diary be one of these fiiends to remember things for you. Then in future years you will have, whenever you wish, that rarest of pleasures—living over again the golden days that have gone.” Some of these instructions relate to the social aspects of genre, which I discuss later in this chapter. 45 at least muted the mu. when h rolum. section comm. shapes . lined . those 7 a clas'~ nou of int i ”Che POPs.‘ Hum. Vii)" 1. 'Cil \ at least at first. The commercially prepared spaces were always filled up. When he moved fi'om the five-year diary volume to the one-year diary volume in 1955, he filled up the much larger space by including more detail than in the five-year diary entries. And when he encountered the commercially titled “Memoranda” pages that some of the volumes include, he wrote entries that were different from the daily entries. In this section, I will show how the technology of the diary—its physical size as well as the commercially printed template pages that make up the diary—literally “forms,” or shapes, the discourse, and thus plays an interesting role in Shaun’s identity formation. The Physical Size The majority of Shaun’s diary entries throughout the forty-one volumes fill up the lined pages, but the content is both constrained and enabled by the physical boundaries of those pages. Each of the forty-one volumes is commercially prepared and all but one has a clasp lock. The first volume is entitled “Five Year Diary” by the publisher. After a now very tattered title page which includes a circular “Horoscope” chart, and after a page of information on the front of which is a list of “Words Frequently Misspelled” and on the back of which is a list of “Distances by Boat between New York and Other Sea Ports,” there are nearly 365 pages, one for each day, labeled with the month and day number (e.g., “JUNE 10”; note, however, that a few pages at the end of December are very tattered or missing). Each page is 4 1/4 by 5 3/4 inches and is divided into five sections, each section containing four ruled lines within only an inch of space. The number “19” is printed at the start of each section (prompting the diary writer to put in the rest of the year, which Shaun does; in his case, the first section is 1950 and the last is 1954). Most of these spaces are filled, some much more than others; most entries seem to be in the twenty-to-forty-word range (calculated by counting a small representative 46 sarnp' Nluc’r Shaur Recor \tuun final bill it Spa. ‘1- OD sample). Some squeeze in over fifty words, and a few entries are as short as “Nothing Much Happened,” but there are not many of these (and they are mostly in 1951, when Shaun was 15, and could be a direct response to the diary volume’s subtitle [“A . . . Record . . . Recording Events Most Worthy Remembering”]). Importantly, alter this first volume, the entries became much longer because the available space changed. The remaining forty volumes (mostly entitled “Diary” or “One Year Diary”) contain lined pages—one per day—with the month and the number of the day of the month commercially printed at the top, providing much more room in which to write; however, not all of these volumes are the same size. When the physical size of the diary volume changed, the length of the entries also changed. For example, the volumes for 1955, 1957, and 1959 are similarly sized at 4 by 5 1/4 inches, 4 1/4 by 5 1/2 inches, and 3 5/8 by 5 1/4 inches, respectively (most of the diary volumes are within these sizes). They each have 20 lines per page, and they average 120, 122, and 121 words per entry, respectively, in a sample one-week period (though not the same week for each year). In 1966, however, the diary volume is the largest at 5 1/8 by 6 1/8 inches, and a one-week sample period in this volume contained an average of 129 words, more than in the smaller volumes. In this volume, there are three extra lines per page (23 lines in total), but the writing is also bigger, which somewhat minimizes the effect of the increased space. Even so, it seems he wrote more. Last, the smallest volumes measure 3 3/8 by 4 5/8 inches (but are still printed with 21 lines per page); in the 1985 example of these particular volumes, Shaun wrote an average of 84 words per entry in a sample one-week period, again showing how the physical size of the space constrained or enabled his writing. 47 Last in terms of physical size, all of the diary volumes were short enough to make it feasible to write in them almost every day for eighteen years, though on 1/11/55, eleven days after switching from the five-year volume to the one-year volume, Shaun writes “I’m afraid that this book takes a long time to fill--but I like it!” Once in a while, however, he indicates he wrote a particular entry on another day; for example, at the top of the entry for Monday, June 24, 1957, he writes “Written Tues.” This becomes more frequent beginning in 1966, and by October, 1967, it is quite frequent, with most entries in the last twenty-seven years of the diary having been written several days late [e.g., 4/26/68, “wrote dflLS in here (they slip by so very fast.)”]. Even so, no entries are blank, though a few contain more summarized information with a notation that he could not quite remember the specifics (e.g., “Then during the day a 1/2 day of work & 1/2 day of play. Hard to recall so far back M the day” [8/1/74, written 8/11]). Late entries aside, in addition to the physical size of the volumes, there is a second important function related to the technology of the diary: the commercially printed template pages. The Commercially Printed Template Pages In addition to the physical size of the diary constraining or enabling—literally forming or shaping—the discourse, the titles of the pre—printed diary template pages also affect the discourse, particularly the ones entitled “Memoranda” or “Memorandum,” depending on the volume. As I mentioned in chapter 1, most of the entries in Shaun’s diary are event-centered and not very reflective, though some reflection is included (such as in the last few sentences of the example diary entry, below). However, some of the diary volumes include pages entitled “Memoranda,” and it is within these pages that Shaun is most reflective. especially in the early years: in fact, I feel that it is because of 48 [1165 he” 3 l i . .1... III d n .a a. V m d .flu in. T . E .. url {5L these pages that he is more reflective. To illustrate this, I turn to the teacher’s diary, beginning with a sample entry from the time he was a college student:20 Mon-5 5 Weather- March 28 cool but ‘ not bad. In Eng I was shocked to learn that I had missed a test by going home Thur. Oh well. Had a test in Soc. My first. 50 T & F questions. It was either hard or simpl -- don’t know yet. [finished reading “The Natives are Friendly” & am reading “Reluctant Rebel ” by F. F. Van de Water. The former was good. Latter--(?) I got a letter fiom Carol (in Lion Village) today. I wrote back tonite. I typed some more on the darn term paper and wrote a paper on “The Secret Sharer ” for Eng. Had Spare ribs dinner (75¢) Good! m a week I face. Oh boy! Sometimes I wonder if it ’s worth it all. I suppose so! $1. 60 With the exception of the last few sentences in this entry, this is a typical entry in Shaun’s diary while he is at college. Following the socially constructed typified actions of diary keeping, as a nineteen-year-old freshman at a state university, Shaun filled in the day and year and indicated the weather in the top margin, before indicating what he did that day and how much money he spent. In fact, all of the college year entries list what he did during the day, nearly always including what he is reading, what he eats, what mail he did or did not receive, when he gets up, how much he spends (totaled in the lower-right- hand corner of the page, separated from the text by a partial box) and what he watches on TV (the subsequent years continue this, but there is less emphasis on his mail and TV). The rest of the entry may include happenings in school, whom he saw, including fiiends and relatives, and what else he did (it seems he is obsessed with cars in his teens and 2° Recall that, with the exception of names, all entries are as he wrote them and that any parenthetical remarks within them are his; for mine, I use brackets. In the above sample entry, “March 28” is provided by the publisher; Shaun writes all else. 49 WW 6110 um 0161' "Me twenties and is always riding in them, alone or with others). Sometimes, if there is not enough room at the bottom of the page to finish, he will continue an entry in the top margin between where he writes the date and weather (the reader has to first read the entry to the bottom, then jump to the top margin for the continuation, if there is one); he also sometimes writes various notes in this same space. At first glance, the entries appear rather mundane, but with close inspection, various patterns of identity formation emerge (as I show in subsequent chapters), identity formation that is aided by the technology of the diary, particularly with the additional presence of month-end and year-end “Memoranda” pages in some of the diary volumes. The Memoranda The first memoranda page appears at the end of the first diary volume, the five- year volume. It is one lined page, front and back; besides the title (“Memorandum”), there is nothing else printed on it by the publisher. Shaun only writes six “entries”: five dated in 1950, the first year of the diary, and one in 1954. Each consists of one sentence written on a particular day during the year and resembles a true “memo”—nothing particularly reflective (e. g., “Frank [brother] dad and Siss birthdays Feb 24-25-23 Karen [another sister] dec 9 Shaun [himself] Nov 20 Mother-~in April” [dated 2/25/50]). The reason there are few entries could be because this page is only one of 367 or so, and the last one at that, or because the diary is new and the “Memorandum” page is unfamiliar to him (not obviously part of the generic guidelines in the classificatory sense). The truly important role of the memoranda pages begins in the second diary volume, the one for 1955, when such a page is provided at the end of each month. In these spaces, Shaun is much more reflective than in the daily spaces, which speaks to how the technology of the diary creates exigence/serves as invention; the space is there, so he fills it up, but with 50 C011 do. CO: me in content that more explicitly relates to his composing his identities than the daily entries do. There are no instructions for how to write such an entry. The pages labeled by the publisher with a date invoke not only the technological aspects, but also the classificatory aspects of genre, or possible actions (classifiable by their content), which also serve as invention, prompting the diary writer into action as explained above (e.g., to record what happened on that day). Instead, these new monthly pages labeled “Memoranda” prompt Shaun to reflect more deeply about his life (and identities) than simply record what he did on a particular day. For example, as I will explain in chapter 6, Shaun goes through many struggles with his sexual identity in his late teens and twenties. In his first year and a half in college, Shaun discusses girls he likes, dates girls, wonders whether he will ever get married, and expresses disgust over an encounter with a “queer” who tried to cruise him in a movie theater bathroom, yet he also engages in a lot of sex with his male friends, but in these early years he rarely analyzes it beyond his sense of pleasure in his daily entries: “Jake S. & l unsat. Oh well” (6/5/55).21 However, as mentioned above, he is most reflective in the monthly memoranda, and many suggest his struggling sexual and academic identities. For example, in the “Memoranda” for March, 195 5, he writes: This month has certainly flown by! I’ve had many defeats and tribulations but when I think that nearly 1/4th of my entire college education is completed I realize that it’s worth it! I have found a new 2' Shaun uses ellipses to indicate “sex”; this enny thus means “Jake S. & I had sex [which was] unsat[isfactory]” (or unsatisfying, etc.). Often, he disguises it by adding something: “Went out to Joes (1:00 to 4:20.) Everyone was home but we had fun” (4/23/55), which translates to “Everyone was home but we had sex and we had fun.” Shaun’s use of ellipses should not be confused with mine; for Shaun’s use, I do not put spaces between them; for mine, I do (e.g., “...” vs. “. . .” or “. . . .”). I analyze his use of ellipses further in chapter 6. 51 couh inan hims outt inch cons mon that d0 r world if I don’t “crack up” while I’m in it. This is the month that I got a cold sore that is m noticeable. Actually it doesn’t bother me. I wonder if I’ll ever fall in love or get married? Money & a good woman are all I need!! Judging from the content of the previous month, his “defeats and tribulations” and “new world” probably relate to college (see chapter 7), not his personal relationships, but they could. In terms of his personal relationships, he only explicitly wonders about getting married; perhaps he senses that he will not; perhaps his last sentence is an effort to talk himself into it (further explored in chapter 6). In any case, the very next day, he “went out to Joes this afternoon. (1:30 to 3:10.) We had fun. What ecstacy! Oh!” (4/1/55). I include other examples of memoranda in subsequent chapters as they relate to Shaun’s constructing specific identities; for the purpose of this chapter, suffice it to say that the monthly memoranda play an important role in Shaun’s identity construction, a role enabled by the technology of the diary. Without the monthly memoranda pages, which do not appear in many volumes, Shaun would not have been as reflective, as demonstrated by the content of the daily entries.22 In the 1956, 1957, 1958, and 1959 volumes, there are no pre-printed “memoranda” pages at the end of each month as there are in the 1955 volume (though there are yearly memoranda pages for 1956, 195 7, and 195 8, which I discuss below). 22 Further evidence of the value of places in which to write other than the daily entry pages is provided by Shaun’s “Mental Hygiene ‘Log,’” an assignment he completed in graduate school for his Mental Hygiene course in June and July, 1959. While he does not include the instructor’s assignment, he was probably asked to record his thoughts related to the course. He is much more reflective here than in his corresponding daily diary entries. For example, in his diary, Shaun simply records “M.H. gave report on Why Teach?” (7/27/59), but in his log, he writes: “I gave a report on the rest of my Why Teach? presentation. lexperienced the thrill of a captivated ‘Audience.’ They appeared to enjoy it.” He is more reflective than in his daily entry, and one can gain an understanding of part of his teacherly identity in his comments (as I will discuss in chapter 7), something that is missing in that particular daily entry. Of course, issues related to audience (his teacher versus himself) may also account for part of this difference (I discuss this in relation to his instructor in chapter 7 and in relation to himself, below). 52 llov hke hrth ques "Sur begi "hei; entn ennj 6mm and 3 mun: the QUE. hatL ssh; Shaun’s daily entries are very much like those I mentioned above, with limited reflection. However, in the 1957, 1958, and 1959 volumes, he does write a monthly memorandum- like entry on the pre-printed page for February 29, which he did not need for a daily entry in those years (1956 was a leap year). For example, in 1959, Shaun has written a question mark after the printed date at the top of the page, below which he writes “Summary of year so far.” In this entry, he expresses how depressed he was at the beginning of the month, but relates improved feelings upon having found some friends to “help [him] over the depression hump” and judging from the preceding daily activities entries, this help is sexual. And then at the end of the 1959 diary, after the December 31 entry, there is one lined page, front and back, without a heading, on which he writes in various and short “monthly-memoranda-style” entries, dating each one like he did in the first diary volume. But unlike in the first volume, where these entries were mostly factual, the 1959 entries mostly deal with his sexual identity, the subject of chapter 6 (though some touch on his academic identity, the subject of chapter 7). He writes such. entries on September 4, October 3 and 15, November 29, and December 15, 18, 24, 30, and 31 (this last one is a summary of the year: “m a year. May all 1960 be like last month of 59!”). It is interesting that he put these at the end of the diary instead of within the daily entry from the same date—almost as if he feels reflection should be done outside of the daily entries. Without this extra page or the February 29 pages, he may not have written much of anything in reflection (except for a possible year-end reflection, which I discuss below). More evidence of the diary’s technology giving rise to reflection is the volume for 1960, which again has pre-printed places for monthly memoranda, except for April, June, September, and November, which seems to be the diary volume publisher’s error. Shaun 53 “rues for D: 5131611 011 Ill: couhi fixte does THEE? their line CTeL' doe, chat “in Die. writes a memorandum for each of the months that has a dedicated page for one, except for December, but his daily entry for December 31 included a memorandum-like statement about the year at the end, so perhaps he saw no need for an additional statement on the following dedicated “Memorandum” page. I looked closely at the binding but could not see any evidence of pages having been ripped out; therefore, it seems again that the technology of the diary gave rise to—or constrained—this type of reflection, as he does not add in any pages for the ones the publisher left out. As before, the monthly memoranda in 1960 show more reflection than the daily entries (but since the content of the memoranda specifically applies to Shaun’s sexual and academic identity construction, I include it in chapters 6 and 7 to avoid unnecessary repetition). In 1961, there are no pre—printed monthly memoranda pages, but Shaun again creates one on the unnecessary February 29th daily entry page (as he did in 1959, but he does so for the last time). In this entry, he prays for a good teaching job (discussed in chapter 7). The years 1962 through 1968 and 1970 do not have monthly memoranda pages (neither pre-printed nor author created). The daily entries I read continue as before with some reflection, but not as much as in the previous memoranda. Interestingly, the pre-printed pages for each month appear again in 1969 and 1971, this time labeled “Memo,” but none of these are filled out (with the exception of January, 1969, which contains a notation related to his studying for his comprehensive exams, and September, 1971, in which case he provides information on a relative). Perhaps this is because there has been such a long period of time since such pages were provided; perhaps this is because he is more comfortable with his identities by this time; indeed, he has established his identities by then (which I show in my subsequent chapters). The volume for 1972 also provides space for a monthly “Memo,” but only two are filled out, and one is really a 54 (30111.r deser 8:al "hie: hnrr "hie: \\ 0T- “nrei Volu Of' comment on the entire year: “So ends l972--It was a good year--far better than I deserve..[.]2 jobs [including a part-time job at the local community college], good health & all my relatives & friends. A blessing!” (Memo for December). Perhaps the title of “Memo” versus “Memoranda” has made a difference in that the singular versus plural form subconsciously affected his use of the space; however, “Memoranda” vs. “Memorandum” did not seem to make any difference, but the difference between these words could have gone unnoticed by a young person. The other statement is truly a “memo”: “Get Driver’s license re-newed before 20th” (Memo for October). The 1973 volume repeats this pattern of only two monthly “memo” spaces filled out (although each month has such a space), the April one stating “I hope I can continue to quit smoking. I miss it but feel much better!” and the December one is again a comment of the year’s end: “I have many things to be thankful for. A good yr.” The volumes for 1974, 1975, 1976, and 1977 are the only other ones to provide places for monthly “Memo” entries, but none are filled in with the exception of some brief year-end statements in the December Memo spots (1974, 76, and 77, as explained below). Again, perhaps this is because Shaun has successfully formed his various identities by this time. However, these year-end statements in general are also important in explaining how the technology of the diary helped shape/form Shaun’s discourse. The Year-End Memoranda Like the monthly memoranda, the year-end memoranda were originally prompted by the technology of the diary. In 1955, at the end of the diary volume, after the “Memoranda” page for December, there are three pages (six sides) labeled “Special Events,” two. pages labeled “Birthdays,” one labeled “Anniversaries,” three labeled “Christmas List,” and seven labeled “Addresses” (again on each side of the page), but 55 l'lOl'lE‘ entrie In none labeled “Memoranda.” On the first “Special Events” page, he records and dates five entries (using both sides of the page): January 31”»1955 was the day I hitch-hiked home in horrible weather. I attempted it although my decision now seemed most unwise to depart from College Town in that snowstorm. I did this after completing my first semester in college. Feb-March 1955 [then next line:] My term paper “Why Students are eliminated from College.” (I may be one of them!) [Then next line:] Will I ever forget the results of this fi'uitless labor? Yes, nearly! October 27--55 [then next line:] I finally got the tape-recorder (25$) I desired! (Couldn’t afford it.) Sept 17—55 I formed an association with a dam nice guy--Rob Walker. He is one guy I really like. I couldn’t have found a better room- mate! ! !! Dec 25--1955--I wonder [with an arrow up to last statement]. These entries are indeed like “special events,” with the February/March entry including reflection on his academic identity. With this exception, they are not like the reflective monthly memoranda in that volume, nor are they like the monthly memoranda-like entries on the blank page at the end of the 1959 volume, explained above. The rest of the special event pages are blank, as are the birthday and anniversary pages. The first “Christmas List” page contains one entry: “This section is a laugh to a poor college student. Who can afford Christmas?” (I analyze his socioeconomic identity in chapter 4.) The only other page filled in is one address page, containing his College Town address and an address for one of his cousins. The closest entry to a year-end 56 me be: the $01 sid r3; (\x .5 “‘5’ memorandum is in the monthly “Memoranda” for December 1955: “Where did this yr go?” However, when the year-end, pre-printed “Memoranda” pages appear in 1956, he becomes much more reflective of the entire year, not just the month, again showing how the technology of the diary prompts reflection and shapes the discourse (note he sometimes continues to provide other information on other pre-labeled end-of-diary pages). In 1956, there are three such commercially printed “Memoranda” pages (both sides), one following the page for December 31, and two more after some intervening pages. The first page includes a list of Christmas presents he received on the front (which he calls “a nice list of presents”), and the back serves as the expanded year-end statement. He writes “Yearly Summary” above the “Memoranda” label on the page (showing his awareness of the difference between this page and the monthly memoranda pages in 1955), then writes: This has been a fruitful year. I’ve really been blessed. Except for the camping departure [leaving camp, where he worked in the summer] you might term it perfect. I’ve learned a lot this year. I can break away from Udderton and the family. I hope next year is even better and I’ve even made some New Yrs Eve Resolutions [which he writes on the back of the title page of the 1957 volume]. I plan to forge ahead. I would also like to write a poem a day during 1957. I may perfect the art. 57 The l 1955 but . add> the no: N 1 mt | ":0 Dev €\¢ an. “1 u..- Pr ".3 ..,. Iherby close and hope God sends me the best in 57. Shaun O’Hare New Yrs Eve 56 The next page is labeled an “Index of Important Events” by the publisher. Recall that the 1955 volume used monthly memoranda pages and had “special events”_pages at the end, but did not include any year-end memoranda pages; in the 1956 volume, the publisher adds yearly memoranda pages, thus prompting Shaun to differentiate between these and the ones for special events, and indeed, Shaun responds differently than he did in 1955. He includes the yearly summary on the memoranda page as explained above, and on the “important events” page, he writes very different entries: the asterisked statement “I also h_op_e I will get a weekly paycheck,” the word “Finis,” a list of how he stands financially (money in the bank plus who owes him what, less what he owes), a statement that he has “200$ to start next semester, eh” preceded by the above-mentioned asterisk, and a list of the states where the diary volume has been, followed by “May the next one go with me to new places of pleasure!” The back side is blank, as are the following two “important event” pages (both sides), four blank “Christmas Cards Sent” pages, a blank “Birthdays and Anniversaries” page, six blank “Addresses” pages, and the other two “Memoranda” pages, the front of the first of which states “Remember my job at [a radio station] & did I get it? I wonder now. Hope this begins my successful career-~it should. Sept 1-56” (he writes that he did not get the job in his 9/19/56 daily entry). The back lists some “Days worked” and the corresponding hours. The front and back of the other page is blank, and the very last page, unruled and unlabeled, contains some multiplication and addition problems, followed by “I quit doing this too complicated” and his name spelled phonetically? on the inside back cover with the statement “In this yr of our Lord 1956.” These pages are not as significant as the memoranda pages, however. As evidenced by 58 t'r Vs St Cl” .\1 31‘ 1 CF the first important end-of-diary memoranda page (setting aside the five-year volume page, which he uses differently as discussed above), the technology of the diary in 1956 induced Shaun to become more reflective of his entire year, much like the technology of the 1955 diary induced him to become reflective of each month. In the remaining diary volumes, there are thirty year-end diary entries, some of which were written on pre-printed “Memoranda” pages (1957, 58, 62, 78, 83, 87, 89, 90), some not (rather, they were on blank pages at the end or on pages titled something else by the publisher: 1959 [statement in the December 31 memorandum mentioned above], 61, 64, 67, 68 [even though he could have used pre-printed memoranda pages, he wrote the entries under “Telephone Numbers”], 72, 73, 74, 76, 77 [the last five in the December Memo spots, as explained above], 79, 80, 81, 84, 85, 86, 88 [even though he could have used pre-printed memoranda pages, he wrote the entries under “Addresses”], 91 , and 92), and some written within the December 31 entry (1960, 69, 93). There are no year-end entries in 1950, 51, 52, 53, 54 (no pre-printed or extra pages for such entries), 63, 65, 66, 70, 71, 75, 82, and 94 (he died in May). Of these years, only 1965, 66, and 70 had pre- printed “Memoranda” pages available, but again as mentioned above (and explained in the following chapters), by then he has mostly formed his identities and may therefore have less need to be as reflective in the same ways. In terms of their content, these thirty-two year-end entries mostly include statements about how good the year was: twenty indicate that the year was good or great (1956, 57, 60, 61, 62, 64, 67, 68, 69, 72, 73, 74, 76, 77, 80, 81, 84, 85, 86, and 92), one indicates that it was fair (1978), while eight indicate it was not good (1979, 83, 87, 88, 89, 90, 91, and 93), one was mixed (1959), and two were neutral (1955 and 58). Fourteen indicate a hope that the next year is as good or is better (1956, 58, 59, 60, 61 , 59 all: wt sti CO pri as] th 0‘ 62, 64, 69, 76, 77, 80, 81, 91, and 92). Also, six indicate the year was good for antiques (i.e., in terms of money made: 1976, 77, 78, 81, 91, and 92), and six state the year was good or not because of specific friendships and/or relationships (1979, 83, 84, 85, 86, and 87). Beyond his critiques of these years, Shaun only includes reflective statements that apply to his academic, social, sexual and religious identity construction—reflection which was initially prompted by the technology of the diary—until 1970. After 1970, he still makes reflective statements, but not ones that specifically affect his identity construction; rather, they serve to reinforce the identities he has already created. In these two ways, then—the physical size of the diary volumes and the pre- printed template pages—the technological aspects of genre join with the classificatory aspects to help explain why Shaun is doing what he does and how the diary itself enables and constrains the writing. The third aspect of genre, however—the social aspect—is also helpful in explaining this. The “Social Action” Aspects of Genre One of Devitt’s arguments in Writing Genres is that genre has much more power than merely classifying (223), an argument that is similar to those posed by many of the other genre researchers I have drawn upon here. This is an important part of my argument as well: the power of genre for Shaun is his being able to write himself into being. The diary genre is a means of invention, literally and figuratively. But it is also social, an important characteristic to most current genre theorists. Again, various genre researchers’ ideas helped me better understand this importance. For example, Bazerrnan, drawing on Miller’s notion of genre as social action, discusses the application of speech act theory to the study of genre in general, including “its application to long, complex written documents” (“Systems” 89). He explains that such texts include numerous acts, 60 eat the llll 1. uh brc the sum of which (in terms of what they amount to) “is unclear” (89). But, “if the text is distinctly identifiable as of a single genre, it can gain a unified force, for it is now labeled as of a single kind instantiating a recognizable social action. . . . The various smaller speech acts within the larger document contribute to the macro-speech act of the text, and each of the subjects must carry its weight” (89). Shaun’s text is certainly identifiable as the genre “diary”—the title is embossed on the cover of nearly every volume, and he fits into Aronson’s and Mallon’s diary classifications of possible actions as mentioned above, which could be considered speech acts; indeed, what Shaun does in the text can be broken down into various speech acts that relate to his identity formation. But does this make his diary a social action? Since I am drawing upon genre research to help me interpret his diary, whether the diary is a social action would be an important consideration to current genre researchers who emphasize the social nature of genre. I feel the diary can be considered a social action for two main reasons. First, Bakhtin writes, “Language arises from man’s need to express himself, to objectify himself” (67). Beyond simply expressing ideas, Bawarshi, drawing on communication theorist Karen Burke LeFevre, ties language into invention—deVe10ping and discovering ideas. He cites LeFevre (who is drawing on philosopher Ernst Cassirer) as asserting that “language does not mirror or copy an external reality; it helps constitute that reality [including, I would add, composing identities]. We come to know and understand the world around us [and, I would also add, ourselves] by way of the language we have available to us, since language is a symbolic system that mediates between us and a reality out there” (70). Bawarshi then asserts that invention, therefore, is not only social because it almost always involves more than one person, real or imagined [this occurs even in Shaun’s diary, 61 C01 his th tx- as he addresses an imagined audience, as I will discuss below]; it is also social because it involves the use of language, which immediately connects even the most solitary inventor with others in a symbolic social collective. Even one’s most private inquiry [such as in a diary] is ultimately social because it involves the use of language. (70) Furthermore, Bawarshi contends that “invention is not only a process of introspection but also a process of socialization, a process of positioning oneself'within and managing one’s way through a set of relations, commitments, practices, and subjectivities” (76), all of which is very much like composing identity. Shaun, by writing in his diary, constitutes his own reality of his situation—he is certainly mediating it, or “managing” his “way through” life as he composes his identities, as my study shows. Second, Medway, drawing on rhetorician L. F. Bitzer and Miller, explains that the newer sense of genre as social action means that “a text should address a particular type of exigence . . . ——that is, a situation that calls for action in order to change or maintain it—and that it should arise from a particular socially recognizable motivation” (124). A diary is a response to life—to Bawarshi’s “set of relations, commitments, practices, and subjectivities” quoted in the previous paragraph. As evidenced by the numbers of diaries “out there” (writing in 1984, Mallon stated that five million blank diaries sell yearly in the United States [xvi]), it is a popular way to mediate life. The diary is a response to the exigence arising from life, and it is a communal response, albeit one carried out in private. Living life is about making meaning; in other words, life creates “meaning making” as an exigence. A5 Aronson puts it, “making one’s regular daily entry in the diary has been called a ritual the performance of which gives added meaning to the experience described. Thus, days that go unrecorded are lost to memory 62 cla] bOI 35? “T CI! \1. 99 and seem never to have been lived” (I). This idea fits in well with Mallon’s “chronicler classification, which can be used to describe one of Shaun’s actions, again showing how both the classificatory and technological aspects of genre can combine with the social aspects to better explain what Shaun is doing in his diary. And, as Medway argues, it is “possible for texts that are strikingly diverse and that may be unread by anyone but the writer, and yet are recognizable responses to the problematics and opportunities (the ‘exigencies’) of a shared situation, to contribute to the building and sustaining of shared communal identities” (125-26)—texts like a diary, I would add, texts which have several diverse possible actions as shown by Aronson and Mallon, and texts which are social in nature in a particular way, a way I can more effectively explain by using Medway’s findings, as they are helpful to my own study. Medway’s Study To illustrate his points, Medway analyzed architecture students’ sketchbooks, where the shared situation was becoming an architect and the architecture students’ shared identities were as members of this profession (they absorbed the culture of architecture and came to an understanding of it using these books). In Shaun’s case, the shared situation is “life,” and even though he uses his diary to examine and wrestle with himself, he forms his identities in relation to others. Thus, although the sketchbooks are different from a diary and mostly serve different purposes, Medway’s findings can be used to help support the social nature of the diary and help better understand how Shaun uses his diary to examine and wrestle with himself as he builds and sustains his own identities. Like a diary, the architecture students’ sketchbooks are texts that Medway notes “were not for public consumption” (130). Rather, the students use them as personal 63 If 56 It; dt 0' ‘ S {/7 r—o 'j references: diary-like daily life notations and reminders, school notes, building drawings and other learning activities, and so on (131). His findings are useful to my analysis in several ways. First, Medway considers whether these sketchbooks constitute a genre, pointing out that they do not appear “to meet several of the more obvious, and more traditional, criteria for generic status” (134). For example, he notes that “sketchbooks don’t, as we might expect of a genre, rely on textual practices that are distinctly their own, nor have the practitioners . . . learned what to do from existing texts of the same kind” (134; diarists, however, probably have seen or heard about other diaries and would know some of the various forms, if not their names).23 Another questionable area is whether the sketchbooks meet the “concepts of social action and institutionalization” (134). By institutionalization, Medway means that one can use “a solution embedded in a genre” to face a “known type of exigence” (134). Social action relates to exigence. With the sketchbooks, exigence “is too pressing, too personal, and too changeable for standardized solutions ever to be useful” (135). Therefore, “the absence of evidence of ossification . . . denies us one means through which we might have confirmed that the sketchbook was a genre” (135). I would argue, however, that there is a particular set of response types that could be defined such as Mallon’s and Aronson’s for the diary, once again drawing upon the classificatory sense of genre, and Medway does this to a degree by categorizing the types of entries made in the sketchbooks. Medway also explains that “the functions performed by a genre [in this case a sketchbook] . . . [should be] related to some broadly shared exigence,” and if one considers exigence in “highly general terms,” one can loosely consider it “shared” (135), which also works with the diary (the highly 2’ Recall that the publisher of the diary volume used by Shaun for 1959 includes an introduction after the title page, which declares the importance of recording memories, including thoughts and experiences. No such inu'oduction was provided in any of the earlier volumes; however, Shaun used the diary in these ways anyway, showing he “knew” the genre. 64 CO [hi of an m. th of CC general terms describing its exigence would be “to make meaning out of life”). Last, he considers the fact that “sketchbooks are not vehicles of communication” (135). Rather, they “are private productions for the author’s eyes only and are unpoliced for observance of communal norms” (135; ostensibly much like diaries, but see my discussion of audience, below). I-Ie declares “if the practices of the sketchbooks are socially maintained, as we have come to expect when a genre is at issue, then they are so in ways that are not obvious or overt. Nor is it easy to see how such private texts may be means of maintaining community” (136). So, too, with a diary, unless one considers its role in identity formation, which, once again, involves social networking/interrelating with others (Cushman 44-46). To help decide the issue for the sketchbooks, Medway considers whether the sketchbook authors use the sketchbooks in generic ways and concludes they do (141; like Mallon and Aronson do with diaries). He concludes that the notion of genre needs to be fuzzy. Perhaps there are degrees of genreness, from tightly defined (or ossified—certainly not the case in this instance) to baggy and indeterminate. Certainly, such a view would be in the spirit of Bakhtin’s account of “speech genres,” which range from military commands to novels. Genre theory may amount to little more than this; that it’s helpful to be able to say that when people do roughly similar sorts of textual things in circumstances perceived as roughly similar, then we are in the presence of a construct that is a real social fact—and let’s call it a genre. (141) Reason enough to call the diary a genre in all senses of the term, given Miller’s, Aronson’s, and Mallon’s work (see also footnote 18, p. 45). Furthermore, Medway declares that “these students are doing the same sort of thing and are responding to a 65 common exigence” (141-42), much like diary authors as I explained in the previous Classificatory Aspects of Genre section. He concludes that “the essential criteria are rather that the practitioners find themselves in a socially recognized and typified situation, and engage in a semiotic activity that is socially recognized as a response to that situation and has meaning in relation to it” (142), which relates to the “social” requirement of genre again, and again can be applied to diaries in general and Shaun’s diary in particular in the ways I have discussed. However, in terms of this “social” requirement, Medway states that the concept of social action can be oversimplified to mean “acting directly or transactionally on a situation by verbal acts” (143). With such a narrow definition, he asserts, producing texts like sketchbooks (and by extension, diaries) “cannot constitute social action because they operate only reflexively, on the consciousness of the producer alone, serving shared epistemic but not communicative purposes and making no [direct or explicit] contribution to the shared enterprises of the community” (143). However, such a view is faulty, he declares. Even though such texts are private, they are “indirectly communicative in that they are composed with an eye to future compositions . . . . [and] contain the rhetorical factor of an anticipated audience” (143; see also Bakhtin, pp. 94-95). Even though the sketchbooks are thus social in a different way from a diary (for example, the students use them to prepare for the more public performances of defending their designs), one way diaries can be said to be communicative is this idea of an anticipated audience (which is present in Shaun’s diary, as I explain below), and most certainly when they are read and acted upon by others, which highlights the importance of the concepts of audience and community. 66 Audience and Community In terms of audience and community, Medway’s study can again help. His account of sketchbooks diverges somewhat from Shaun’s diary in the nature of the language used in the books, but there are some similarities. Medway states “although writing is being employed as a vehicle of thought, its language is rarely private. . . . We do not feel we are in the presence of inner speech, with its fragmentary, allusive, elliptical qualities” (144). In his diary, Shaun also uses relatively few instances of such speech, though there is a significant literal use of ellipses to indicate “sex” with someone, as I explained in footnote 21, page 51 (and will further address in chapter 6). Furthermore, Medway notes that “although not apparently addressed to specific audiences . . . the generally public mode of address that characterizes these texts springs fiom the positing of a particular sort of potential audience” (144), which is certainly the case with Shaun’s text, as I show below. First however, in relation to audience, Bakhtin asserts that both the composition and, particularly, the style of the utterance depend on those to whom the utterance is addressed, how the speaker (or writer) senses and imagines his addressees, and the force of their effect on the utterance. Each speech genre in each area of speech communication has its own typical conception of the addressee, and this defines it as a genre. (95) Stereotypically and literally, the addressee in a diary is often the diary itself—“Dear Diary,”——but Shaun uses this address only once, on 9/ 17/66 (in a sarcastic way). Of course, the addressee is also the writer of the diary, especially in the sense of recording time in an effort to capture it and preserve memories. For example, Pulitzer-Prize- winning English professor Annie Dillard writes that without keeping a journal, “life 67 wouldn’t accumulate, but merely pass” (qtd. in Root 85). Similarly, Root points out in his account of the research behind his publishing a one-year journal “sparsely” (32) written by Ruth Douglass (who wintered on a remote island with her husband in Lake Superior in 1848) that Ruth often wrote “of how ‘time by moments steals away,’ and [showed] awareness of ‘the fleetness of time,’ yet in her journal time stands still, repeats itself, as it does whenever we write our lives this way” (159). Shaun, in his diary, also occasionally mentions how fast time flies by. Recall that in the “Memoranda” for March, 1955, Shaun writes, “This month has certainly flown by!” In April’s memoranda, he writes, “Time is slipping by so quickly!” On 12/15/55, he writes, “Where has the year gone?” Because this passage of time dims one’s memory, writing down the details of life will help the author remember them later, should they reread them, as Mallon asserts they do, using various diarists’ statements to that effect (61, 74; see also footnote 19, p. 45). Aronson echoes this assertion: “keeping a diary is . . . for some the expression of an inner need to save the momentary impact of experience from oblivion” (1). Shaun makes no such statements in the diary entries that l have read (he does write “A Diary will really pay off” on 11/4/56, but he provides no explanation); however, Shaun’s friend who inherited the diaries told me Shaun would sometimes refer back to them to recall what he had done on a particular day that they were discussing. An audience of oneself would not necessarily support the assertion of a diary being shared, or public, though. The audience, however, is often not only the writer him or herself. Saving “the impact of experience from oblivion,” as quoted in the previous paragraph, assumes an audience beyond just the writer. For example, writing of poet William Soutar’s diary, Mallon asserts Soutar “harbored the expressed or secret wish of every diarist to live beyond his [or her] time” because he writes in his diary sixty days prior to his death: 68 “why do we wish to be remembered, even when none remain who looked upon our face? Surely, though it must retain an element of self-consideration, it is a last acknowledgement that we need to be loved; and, having gone from all touch, we trust that memory may, as it were, keep our unseen presence within the borders of day” (284- 285). That Shaun needed to be loved, at least in the present, comes through in several places in the diary (for example, on 3/28/52, he writes “Everyone was gay over my butch haircut”; on 5/5/52, he writes “m body was talking about my dancing” at school the day after he went to a dance; on 10/10/60, he notes he had his students write essays about him: “Corrected essays on ‘Mr. O’Hare.’ Nice! ”; and on 11/20/60, he writes “Nobody wants me & I don’t blame eml”). However, he does not express a wish to be remembered through his diary (the closest he comes in the volumes I have read is on 2/2/73, when he writes, “Life moves on & on. I feel a need to create & leave a mark-- leave something for the world. Maybe writing?”). Even though he does not connect his diary to this thought, the idea of the journal, as Root reiterates, makes it possible to be recovered later (even if it is only for the authors to “recover themselves” [159; i.e., to remember something by looking it up], as I explained above). One way for this to happen is for the diary to be read by others, even published. Aronson writes, the desire to see one’s diary published corresponds to a variety of psychological compulsions such as the wish to be in the public eye, to be observed, to be looked up to by others less richly endowed, but also the desire to exhibit one’s tormented quest for identity as it may provide a lesson for others less introspective and therefore less capable of attaining that peace of mind which the diarist achieves when he withdraws into the privacy of the daily entry in his journal. (102) 69 As w butd: Shaur qune years EVen how 2 asthe smnm an 011' ration alhn. Oflhe exmn [Tusi on 1a ~ As will be seen in chapter 6, Shaun’s quest for a sexual identity was certainly tormented, but there is no direct evidence of his wanting the diary published. However, the fact that Shaun never destroyed his diary later in life, even knowing that he would die of cancer, is quite telling. As Mallon writes, “after reading hundreds of diaries in the last several years, I’ve come to feel sure . . . . that no one ever kept a diary for just himself” (xvi). Even if statements about possible publication are not included in a diary, Root explains how an entry can show evidence of being written for an audience beyond the writer such as the presence of reasoning and parenthetical remarks that provide explanation of something the writer would know, and would thus not need to include, except to inform an outside reader (5). Shaun has many of these clues. While Shaun does not expressly state a wish to be published, let alone any explicit rationale for writing the diary in the first place (other than the diary volume’s presence in a list of gifts received for Christmas, 1949, which he has written on the inside front cover of the diary volume), he does provide a few clues to an audience beyond himself. For example, on 10/20/54, he writes, “did I mention Stevie got married a few weeks ago?” This is an odd phrase to use with oneself. It has dialogic characteristics, as does his entry on 12/1/54, “had wonderful (do I detect sarcasm?) hrs of ROTC Science,” and his entry on 5/27/55, “I’ve put $4.33 worth of gas in it [the car]. By Gosh! Expensive, eh?” He often invokes a “you” (4/ 14/55): “I could use it [i.e., $100 bingo prize]. I tell you!” Sometimes it is as if he is writing a letter: “Goodnite. (PS. I had a bath tonite)” (12/30/54). Such a tone assumes a listener/reader, in that one does not often say good night to oneself (which he does often: 1/11/55, “Well, goodnite”; 3/ 1 5/5 5, “Good nite to all!”; 6/28/55,“Well good nite all!” [notice, too, the “all”]); also, a “PS” is again dialogic, and the detail provided is an odd one for simply one’s own eyes, as are the details 70 proxi agoo "I do Houn R.Cil iniagi comrr sketcl fisrne enxisa b6 50:; lea Menu provided on 5/16/52: “Mom went to Detroit. . . . I got supper--or didn’t you know I was a good cook?”; 5/19/55: “I usually get a couple of candy bars to munch on later”; 9/9/56: “I do my exercises each mom too”; and 9/18/60: “Mark (our dog) & I walked down Hound’s Lane.” As a last example, on 3/2/55, he writes, “Studied R.O. (abbreviation for R.O.T.C.),” something he would not have to define for just himself. This sense of an imagined audience is important to the social aspects of genre, as is the related sense of community. In terms of community, again in relation to his study of the architecture students’ sketchbooks, Medway states, “we might add that any community is real to the extent that its members imagine it and act in accordance with their imaginings, so that the envisaging of community that goes on in these ‘private’ sketchbooks may truly be said to be social in its consequences” (145). Even though he does so in a very different way, this can also be said of Shaun’s writing in his diary as well, especially in relation to his identity construction. Furthermore, Medway feels that there is a hint of fastidious performance suggesting that the authors have half an eye to a future readership that includes certainly themselves and possibly posterity. . . . Thus the sketchbook may carry the responsibility of witnessing to a period in a life and preserving traces of the living of it, so that it matters that the sensibility enacted in the sketchbook emerge as rich, lively, creative, and idiosyncratic. (145) As I explained above, Shaun’s diary does this in spots. Furthermore, Medway describes one sketchbook author discussing her “making a mark that day” by recording her entry dates, which to him “suggests a function beyond the academic and personal needs of the 71 his di. Med \1 vehic'. emme note I emae conve mflir repen this s; SUmr yeah: a 1'01: “hit”. moment” (165). Shaun added to the commercially printed month and day at the top of each page by writing in the abbreviated name of the day and the year throughout most of his diary, which is perhaps a similar personal need. Last in terms of social action, Medway declares that even though the sketchbooks “serve an epistemic purpose as vehicles of personal knowledge,” the “process . . . has a vital social dimension; the epistemic impulse is realized through socially learned action” (145), although he does note that not every student uses one (127). He relates this to Miller’s work in that “once epistemic desires seek realization through the mediation of a generic pattern, they are converted into social motives . . .; the urge is socialized and gives rise to a recognizable and intelligible product, an artifact readily identified as belonging to the community’s repertoire of practices” (145). Even though the diary is different from the sketchbooks, in this same way, the diary can be shown to be a social action. Summation In short, in his diary entries, and especially in the more reflective monthly and year-end memoranda entries, Shaun is illustrating Bawarshi’s assertion that “genres play a role in helping us organize, experience, and potentially change the situations within which we communicate by functioning at the intersection between acquisition and articulation of desires to act. Genres shape us as we give shape to them” (25). The genre of the diary has helped by giving Shaun both the space and the means to explore his identities in important ways, showing how the different aspects of genre have worked together: the aspect of genre as social action, in which Shaun wrote in the diary in response to the social exigence of composing identity; the aspect of classification of the rhetorical discourse of the diary, in which Shaun responded to the exigence created by his understanding of the diary’s possible actions and conventions; and the related technical 72 aSpect: enablir "mem( social. chapte and I3; aspects of the diary, which influenced the substance or form of the discourse (both enabling and constraining it) in that the size of the physical spaces as well as the “memoranda” spaces gave rise to invention, or more specifically, helped instigate his social, sexual, religious, and academic identity formation, the topics of the following chapters, beginning with part one of his social identity formation—his cultural context and racial and socioeconomic identities—in chapter 4. 73 Iden: COm: lake . in bi Chapter 4 Shaun’s Social Identity Formation Part I: His Cultural Context and Racial and Socioeconomic Identities In chapter 3, I established the importance of genre theory in helping me interpret Shaun’s actions of identity formation within his personal diary. In short, the power of genre for Shaun is in his writing himself into being socially, sexually, religiously, and academically. He does not do so in a vacuum, however. Current genre researchers also emphasize the importance of the context and situation in which genres operate. For example, Devitt emphasizes that genre is “rhetorical and dynamic, integrating form and content, product and process, individual and society” (6), but especially that “a genre constructs and is constructed by cultural values, beliefs, and norms as well as by material culture” (29). Researchers in studying people’s lives (including teachers’ lives) also emphasize the importance of cultural context; psychologists Dan P. McAdams and Phillip. J. Bowman (who research adult identity formation from a psychological perspective) state “we view life stories as psychosocial constructions that are jointly authored by the individual whose life is being told and the culture within which the individual lives” (29). This is certainly true for Shaun, who forms all ‘of his identities within the cultural context of the Midwestern United States in the 19505 and 19605. In this chapter, I explain the first part, as I have categorized it, of Shaun’s social identity formation—his racial and socioeconomic identities—within the related cultural contexts, beginning with Shaun’s cultural background. I also include an analysis of his take on cultural events and the material culture (i.e., what he feels is important to mention in his diary in the way of cultural happenings and developments). In chapter 5, I focus on 74 theot finnfl Shau m'thi] hour geu' young autorr ongnr flueer Confes “hkh \Er} I llted Shaur Onl} . Chap: lfar he 11 dfia the other related aspects of his social identity formation: his relationships with his family, friends, and acquaintances. Shaun’s Cultural Background Shaun was born in November, 1935, in a small town in the rural Midwest (though within driving distance of small, medium, and large cities). From what I have gathered from reading the diary, and from what I learned from the fiiend who inherited it, Shaun grew up in a white, working class family of six, including an older sister (Karen) and a younger brother (Frank) and sister (Sheila).24 His father, an Irish Catholic, worked in an automotive factory (though he was laid off from time to time), while his mother, originally a Methodist, cared for the family at home. He regularly attended mass (up to three times a day during periods of personal crisis), along with visiting the church for confession, saying the rosary, and reciting the Stations of the Cross (the latter two of which he would also do at home during times of personal crisis). Behind them lived his very religious paternal grandmother in a “run-down,” barely heated house, and nearby lived several relatives (aunts/uncles/cousins); one of his cousins (Daisy) was his age, and Shaun spent a lot of time with her until he graduated from college (he was the first and only one in his family to attend college, the possible reasons for which I discuss in chapter 7). After graduating from college, Shaun lived in an apartment for just over a year, and then he lived with his grandmother—occupying the unheated second floor room—between 1960 and 1966. In August, 1966, he moved in with a friend, with whom he lived for the rest of his life. The formation of all of Shaun’s identities that I discuss in detail in this dissertation—social, sexual, religious, and academic—was of course impacted by this family context, as well as by the wider culture of the 19505 and 19605. 2" Recall that names other than for public figures are pseudonyms. 75 The‘ Shaur Anwr 1960: isasr andl' insuf pr05p fins; 351“ 91111:: depit‘ Shah [mi f1I51? The Wider Culture of the 1950s and 1960s To better understand the wider culture of the 19505 and 19605 in order to put Shaun into a cultural context, I drew upon two historians’ books: Andrew Dunar’s America in the Fifties and David F arber’s The Age of Great Dreams: America in the 1960s, which I supplemented with a few other scholarly books and articles. Rather than an exhaustive study, which would go beyond the scope of my dissertation, what follows is a summary of the key details relevant to understanding the cultural context in general and Shaun’s racial and socioeconomic identity formation in particular during the 19505 and 19605 (cultural details that relate to the formation of his other identities are addressed in subsequent chapters). In characterizing the fifties, Dunar explains that images of “popular culture and prosperity” tend to come to mind such as “a golden age of television, cars with large tail fins, an abundance of consumer goods, Elvis Presley, [and] Mickey Mantle” (l ). Indeed, as I will show below, Shaun’s diary is full of many of these images. These images, Dunar points out, appear to reflect “a simpler time, in which the idealized family life depicted in televised situation comedies had at least some basis in reality [though not in Shaun’s reality, as I explain in chapter 5] and crime was a less constant menace” (1).25 Underlying these images, however, Dunar points out, are “more threatening images of the first full decade in the shadow of the atomic bomb . . . : the less than decisive U.S. victory in Korea, the Soviets’ surprising launch of Sputnik [195 7], the bombast of Nikita Khrushchev, the hysteria of McCarthyism, [and] the clash over the integration of a high school in Little Rock [1957]” (1; of these, Shaun only mentions Sputnik, which I address 25 Interestingly supporting Dunar’s point on the lack of crime in the fifties, Shaun notes on 4/21/61, “Home 1 1:35. House lockedulst time!” 76 below). In fact, to fully comprehend the fifties, Dunar contends that one needs to really begin with the year World War II ended, 1945 (2), when the “overriding mood in the United States . . . was one of optimism,” though not without some economic (debt and labor disputes), political (foreign policy issues), and racial concerns (such as rioting) (3), which helped create some uncertainty in people’s outlooks at the start of the fifties, though not Shaun’s, at least as evidenced in his diary. However, Dunar points out that this general uncertainty was greatly countered by significant economic expansion, with the gross national product almost doubling in the 19505 (167). In fact, as Farber points out, “between 1946 and 1960 every indicator of national wealth and prosperity soared” (8), an important factor in the 19605 as well. In his overview of the 19605, F arber asserts that “economic wealth—-coupled with the faith that economic growth would continue and the fact that for many years it did— shaped the 19605 like no other single factor” (8-9). However, Farber also explains that “shared images” from television and the movies were also important shapers of the culture at large, images which “formed a set of commonly understood referents, a symbolic language shared by almost all” (49-50), including Shaun. Farber points out that by the beginning years of the decade, more than ninety percent of homes contained a television (in contrast to 1950, when the percentage was twelve [Dunar 234]), which was turned on at least six hours daily (52). Shaun, too, watched a lot of TV, which he diligently recorded in his diary (his family bought their first TV in 1952). The images depicted the major events and movements of the decade, which Farber explains in detail within his book, including the Cold War, John F. Kennedy’s assassination, the Civil Rights Movement, Vietnam, the War on Poverty, the use of drugs and marijuana, the sexual revolution, the gay liberation movement, student protest movements (including the 77 of 501 rat Ch: (car em" bed' One: thou his d Far'b dent, \\ a: Opp 50C; He 77 "in: bu: mo 5m ”10 . hat; I10: Sn]. anti-war movement), the woman’s liberation movement, and Neil Armstrong’s moonwalk. While all of these events greatly affected life and culture in the United States, few of them were addressed by Shaun in his diary. His most common entries relate to his (or sometimes his family’s) multiple daily activities and expenditures, some of which seem rather unimportant: “Dad bought a ’56 Chevy” (7/25/60), “Dad got 59 red Mercury” (4/13/61), “bought or had doug buy me a pk. of Pall-Malls” (5/23/50),26 “I got a pkg of Chesterfields & smoked 2 with Michelle [a fiiend]” (7/31/50), “Boy I smoked a lot today (camels) lrn getting so I can enhale them” (8/23/50), bought a package of Lucky’s (8/29/50), “I smoke ‘old golds’” (8/19/51), “I now smoke King size Chesterfileds--I like em” (8/6/52), “Now bed 10:00 (after ‘Jack Benny’)” (11/5/61), “Now ‘Gunsmoke’ & bed” (9/22/62), “Got 4 shirts 10$ (on sale-~short sleeve)” (8/1/69), “bought us Dairy Queens” (8/28/58), and “[bought] blue madras sportcoat--10$ (on sale)” (9/11/65). Even though such statements seem unimportant, that Shaun wrote so much in his diary about his day-to-day activities and what he and his family consumed makes sense given Farber’s assertion that “a national culture of prosperity had become the great common denominator [of the times]. The car one drove, the cigarettes smoked, the TV shows watched, the products consumed became a common language signaling who one was and 2" It seems Shaun began to smoke in 1950, at 14. Interestingly, according to social scientists Manfred Max Bergman and Jacqueline Scott, “recent evidence suggests that cigarette smoking in young adolescence is opportunistic, mostly limited to availability and peer norms and habits” (185) rather than family income or social class (194). Shaun’s first entry related to cigarettes is “Chris Jackson gave me 5 cigerettes” (5/2/50). He makes several other entries related to smoking during movies or with friends. Some of the more “interesting” entries include: “I won a Cig Holder at the fair” (8/23/50); “Franky and I got caught smoking, but dad didn’t say much” (9/8/50); “Boy D. and I smoke a |ot”(9/11/50);“l have A HELL of a time getting money for cigarettes” (1 1/22/51); “1 was out of cigarettes tonite so dad gave me a pkg!” (9/8/52); “I smoked few cigs today-~trying to limit em & gain pep" (9/15/5 7); he records showing his students the movie “Smoking & Cancer” on 2/26/64; “I’m smoking 1/2 pkg of cigs a day, darn itnwish I could quit [he had quit for lent, but started again]” (4/30/68); and “‘Gunsmoke’ & then had my last cigarette--forever I hope. 1 do love em but they’re bad for me so I’ll quit” (3/5/73). Related to this last entry, he did quit smoking, but he started again that September. 78 thc bet' an.» dfit Far} esp: as ll Shal 3C0n noted the d Neg, SECOf Pilt‘n CORT min. mOR HOV wanted to be”—what F arber significantly calls the “new identity of white middle-class suburbanites” (l 1), an identity Shaun would eventually assume as a teacher, but before then, one to which he often aspired within his diary. These statements also make sense because as race, class, and gender researcher Ann Green points out, “students seem to be anxious about social class, or, more specifically, with material goods” (280). Before I discuss Shaun’s socioeconomic identity formation, however, I would like to note that Farber’s characterization of the nation’s new identity as a “white” identity is important, especially given Afiican Americans’ struggle for civil rights in the 19505 and 19605, and as it relates to Shaun’s own racial identity. Shaun’s Racial Identity Shaun’s formation of a racial identity seems to be the least problematic for him of all his identities. One of the few entries in his diary in which he mentions his own race in relation to others is during his sophomore year in college, when he is working at John’s Grill: “Worked 7:30 PM to 3:50 AM--Tommy, Mex., Louise, negro & me white. (What a combo)” (5/3/57). It is not clearwhat he means by “what a combo.” Prior to this, I noted only five entries in his diary directly related to race, the first just seven months into the diary when he is fourteen: “Dad and Frank went to [a] tavern and saw Rusttown Negroes get beat” (7/2/50)——a very factual statement void of emotion or opinion. The second statement is: “In Soc. we saw a movie ‘The Challenge’ on race relations. Phooey!” (5/23/55). I am not sure what he means by “phooey,” but it could be a racist comment; note, however, the shift in the third example: “Soc. passed nicely--studying minority groups & the negroe” (1/11/56). His “passed nicely” statement may indicate a more positive’attitude toward race relations than his earlier “phooey” statement. However, his fourth comment is clearly racist: “A dumb negro took bags at Grand Trunk 79 .F—J-I 1 ol Rail” (6/21/56). Shaun had shipped his luggage to the camp at which he had a summer job, and besides the “phooey” comment, the statement about the porter who handled his luggage is one of the few statements I encountered in the diary that shows outright racism (also aside from the use of “Negro”‘or “Colored,” terms which are not used today). His fifth statement is “Talked to Camp[us] Grille Help. (John hired another negro-- downtown)” (5/1/5 7). There could be racism behind this statement. Interestingly, however, when Shaun goes to work at a camp in the south the next summer, he notes “Negro segregation is real ruff here” (6/19/57), showing that he was not completely oblivious to the issues surrounding racial equality. Even so, his lack of entries related to race issues is interesting in light of all that was going on in terms of the civil rights movement in the 19505 and 605.27 Both Dunar and Farber discuss this movement at length in their histories of those decades, including: the Brown v. the Board of Education of Topeka, Kansas, Supreme Court ruling in 1954 ending legal school segregation (Dunar 1); Martin Luther King’s founding of the Southern Christian Leadership Council in 1957 (Dunar 205); Rosa Parks’ refusal to give up her bus seat in 1955, triggering the Montgomery Bus Boycott (Dunar 213-216); The Civil Rights Act of 1957, which established “a Civil Rights Commission, but its record for enforcing voting rights and investigating violations was abysmal” (Dunar 218); the 1960 sit-ins at lunch counters (Farber 67); the 1961 Freedom Rides (F arber 79); Robert Moses and the voter registration movement (F arber 82); James Meredith’s 1963 University of Mississippi registration battle (F arber 85); the 1963 march on Washington (F arber 90); Medgar Evers, who was assassinated in 1963 (F arber 89); the 27 Dunar notes that several organizations working toward civil rights in the fifties and sixties began much earlier, including The Congress of Racial Equality (1942), The National Urban League (1910), and the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (1909) (204). 80 196- 93-€ Rial Pant hard :09: Shat Sgni €\id: ibrh aduh inrn prim “Ont R05 are: See? ab 0h. 1964 Freedom Summer and the killing of college student and other volunteers (Farber 93-94); the Civil Rights Act of 1964 (Farber 97); the Voting Rights Act of 1965 resulting from the Sehna, Alabama protests lead by Martin Luther King, Jr. (F arber 110); Malcolm-X (assassinated in 1965), Stokely Carmichael, Black Power, and the Black Panther Party (Farber 199-209); the race riots (e.g., Watts, 1965, Detroit, 1967, “the hardest hit” [Farber 115]); and the Martin Luther King, Jr. assassination in 1968 (Farber 209; King’s “I have a Dream Speech” was carried live on TV in 1963 [Farber 90], but Shaun does not mention it). Given the magnitude of the civil rights struggle and its related events, it is significant that Shaun rarely made reference to them. Perhaps this is because, as evidenced by his entries, Shaun’s own racial identity construction was not problematic for him, which is not surprising given the homogeneity of the town in which he grew into adulthood; as Farber points out, “racial segregation . . . was a well-accepted fact of life” in many parts of the country (1 1). Also, as Peggy McIntosh, who researches white privilege, theorizes, “whites are taught to think of their lives as morally neutral, normative, and average, and also ideal” (78). In other words, as racial identity researcher Robert T. Carter points out, “[w]hites, while socialized in a racially constructed world, are taught not to be aware of themselves in racial terms” (qtd. in Green 285). So it would seem with Shaun based on the lack of diary entries problematizing his racial identity. Again, this is not surprising, given that as researcher into literacy and race Amy Goodburn points out, race is “perhaps one of the most difficult beliefs to interrogate” (67). She has found in her own classrooms that “for many . . . white students, discussions about race meant discussing the lives of people of color, with little sense of how their own racial locations are implicated in the construction of otherness” (80). When Shaun 81 do: fro the Stu ex; (he ma: San does mention race in his diary, he mainly does so only to mark people as being different from him, fitting into these researchers’ assertions.28 Shaun’s marking of racial difference is fairly consistent throughout the years of the diary I read. For example, when he is teaching at a Catholic high school, he writes: “New Mexican pupil--8th grader-~Mark Ortega” (3/1/61). He had mentioned new students in a few other entries without identifying their race. For example, on 11/26/58 he writes “A new girl--(Lindsay Mullins) last hr. Cute & caused a stir.” Presumably, to draw upon McIntosh, his not mentioning her race was because she was white, and therefore not “different.” Regarding the Mexican student, Shaun later writes, “Mark Ortegea 8th grd. Mex. kid left to return to Leweston--too bad!” (3/22/61). He does not explain why the student’s leaving was too bad, but perhaps it was because he liked him (he often mentions students he likes by name throughout the diary). In any case, he still marks the student’s race. Another example of marking includes: “To City [Theater]-- saw ‘Dangerous Love Affairs’--90¢--7:30 - 9:30. Fair. Then in gay spot I met Color. & chat. Home 10:00” (10/11/62).29 According to the Internet Movie Database, Dangerous Love Affairs is the US. promotional title for the 1959 film Les Liaisons Dangereuses, which was released in the US. on 12/18/61, and which is about “a sophisticated couple . . . always looking for fun and excitement” (Les Liaisons). Shaun’s having sex after seeing that particular movie is ironic, though not in the racial sense that culture, race, and gender researcher bell hooks writes about in Black Looks—“the 28 Also fitting into these researchers’ assertions, Shaun writes in one of his “Mental Health ‘Log”’ entries (a graduate course project): “Today I counted my blessings and realize how lucky I am. I’m ‘free, white’ and saying a fast goodbye to ‘twenty-one’” (6/30/59). While his statement may imply an understanding that not everyone is free, especially people of color, it also equates being white as being blessed and lucky, fitting into Mclntosh’s theory about white students thinking their lives “ideal.” 29Recall that in footnote 2], p. 51, I explained how Shaun uses ellipses to indicate having sex of some kind and that he often added other phrases afterwards to further disguise it. For example, this particular statement reads “Then in gay spot I met [a] Color[ed man] & [had sex].” 82 r01 \1 romantic fantasy of the ‘primitive’ and the concrete search for a real primitive paradise, whether that location be a country or a body, a dark continent or dark flesh” (27)—or that gender, post-colonial studies, and literary researcher Mary Louise Pratt writes about in Imperial Eyes regarding the “contact zone”: “social spaces where disparate cultures meet, clash, and grapple with each other” (4). Instead, the irony is that cruising in public for gay sex could be considered dangerous. In other words, from evidence in the diary, I would assert that Shaun’s “fun and excitement” was in the gay sex, not in the race of his sex partner. He often had gay sex (e.g., from 1962 through 1965, he reports having sex 158 times), and the only difference in his reporting it with a white person versus a non- white person is his marking the race of the latter. Other examples of this include: “To Leweston at 7:3 0. Hopped out of car & met a pal-«Negro Kevin Curry? B.S.U. [Big State University] Eng Major. Chat & had a good time. Chatted then about 1 1/2 hrs. Will see him Thurs 8:00 again?? [he does]” (9/8/63); “to gay spot in Leweston & met a nice negro friend & (11/10/63); “cruised gay spot & met a negro B.S.U.[-]er” (3/22/64); “. .. colored-mice!” (1/3/65); “Cruised & blk had a fairly good time” (5/11/65); “Met young Puerto Rican & he & I to hotel & chat” (4/7/66); and “Met Rick--Cuban & chat at hotel” (4/8/66). When he cruises a white male, he does not indicate the person is white: “Later gay library cruise & ...--what fun!” (7/3/61). Other non—sex-partner examples of racial marking include: “A Negro (Fred) & I chat” ( 10/3 1/64); “To B.S.U. A Negro (Stanley) who was in lst class showed me to buildings” (1/5/65); “To ‘X Club’--famous (gay). Saw negro Philip from Leweston” (12/11/65); “We 3 plus Filipino Christie to City [Theater] (1$) & saw ‘Darling’ 5:15 - 7:30--fair” (4/17/66); “To Alan’s & chat with him & Marilyn (the colored clean. lady-- quite a card)” (10/1/66); “Showed ‘Mother Waddles’ the Negro movie to both Eng 83 cl Lt aCt rat “or Sha classes” (10/22/68)3°; “Then [taught] 3 Gen Eng Classes [at his new teaching job at Leweston High School]. (Love 2nd one.) In last one 2 blacks--boys--tardy lots & chewed em out. 1 white boy doing math in class--chewed him out” (9/21/71). This last statement is the only mention of someone besides him being white and was perhaps made because he mentioned the race of the other students right before. Mostly, he does not seem to have any identity issues or problems having acquaintances (including sexual acquaintances) or students of different races. Also, he seems comfortable with his own racial identity—in other words, not conflicted. Again, as McIntosh explains, “many, perhaps most, of our white students in the United States think that racism doesn’t affect them because they are not people of color; they do not see ‘whiteness’ as a racial identity” (85). This seems to be true in Shaun’s case. However, unlike his racial identity, Shaun is less comfortable with his socioeconomic identity, at least until he leaves the working class and becomes a member of the middle class. Shaun’s Socioeconomic Identity Like his racial identity, Shaun forms his socioeconomic identity within the context of the times. As I mentioned above, the 19505 and 19605 were periods of significant economic expansion. Dunar explains that the economic expansion in the 19505 was fueled by the interrelated effects of increased consumer purchases, the Baby Boom (1946-1964), and the industrial boom (including the automobile boom) (167-168). The automobile boom in particular, as Dunar points out, 30Marianne Whelchel, a researcher in women’s studies, points out that Charleszetta Waddles (1912 — 2001) was interviewed for the Schlesinger Library’s Black Women Oral History Project. She quotes Waddles’s biography from the project: “Charleszetta Waddles of Detroit, Michigan, pastor and founder of Perpetual Mission for Saving Souls of All Nations, in Detroit, which provides day care services, classes, counseling, medical care, and food to the poor, has been described as ‘a one-woman war on poverty’” (589-590). In an article in Essence, writer Donna Henry adds that Waddles began the mission in 1956 and was a Pentecostal minister. l have been unable to identify the movie about her that Shaun would have shown to his classes at the Catholic high school. 84 BO! the Zn in t (“In had a profound effect on the nation, one that rippled down the decades. It affected not only how Americans traveled [the Interstate Highway System was established in 1956 (173)], but also where they lived [rise of suburbs (176)], where they shopped [new malls (171)], where they ate [beginning of fast food (171)], and how they spent their leisure time [drive-in movies, etc. (172)]. (168-69) He notes that sixty percent of families owned a car in 1950, while seventy-eight percent did in 1960. This great demand for automobiles fueled many jobs as well (170), including in Shaun’s family, where his father, his brother, and he worked at least some time in automobile-related factories. Socioeconomically, Shaun’s family can be classified as working class. So what does this mean to his identity formation? In an article in College Composition and Communication, rhetorician David Borkowski considers what the term “working class” means in general. He first considers the status of “class,” drawing on a sociologist (Paul W. Kingston), economist (Michael Zweig), and anthropologist (David Harvey), all of whom debate whether there are classes in the United States.31 Borkowski writes that Kingston argues against their existence, claiming that those who share similar economics and positions in society do not 3 I In terms of what “class” means, sociologists Terry Nichols Clark and Seymour Martin Lipset point out that “class stratification implies that people can be differentiated hierarchically on one or more criteria into distinct layers, classes” (397). They highlight the work of Karl Marx and Max Weber and explain that Marx, emphasizing “economic factors as determinants of social class” argues that “class” is “any aggregate of persons who play the same part in the production mechanism [i.e., the economic system]” (398). In contrast, Weber, according to Clark and Lipset, theorizes that “class” is “composed of people who have life chances in common, as determined by their power to dispose of goods and skills for the sake of income” (398), differentiating it from “status,” which is “the positive or negative estimation of honour, or prestige, received by individuals or positions” (399). In other words, “status involves the perception of how much one is valued by others . . . . [and] may flow from wealth, religion, race, physical attractiveness or social skills" (399). Also, they write that according to Weber, both class and status involve “power,” which is “the chance of a person or group to realise their will even against the opposition of others” (3 99); however, Clark and Lipset assert that the concept of “class” has significantly changed, due to societal changes, especially since 1970 (401), and that now, the idea of social classes is in decline (397). I feel issues of class as they have been theorized in various disciplines apply to Shaun’s identity formation, especially since he grew up in the 19505. 85 necessarily “share distinct, life-defining experiences” or ideas of what is “moral,” while people of diverse economic standings could share the same ideas of what constitutes good music, or which clothes to wear, for example (120). However, Zweig, according to Borkowski, asserts that class does exist, but it is determined on “power relations at work and in the larger society” (121), an idea, Borkowski points out, that is extended by Harvey to include “production and distribution,” which “determine the amount of temporal and spatial control one has over one’s life and that power, or lack thereof, drives class relations” (121; these ideas also relate to Marx and Weber). Thus, “working class” would signify, as Borkowski points out, those who have no power over “where [they] had to be and when [they] had to be there” (121). Agreeing with Harvey’s position, Borkowski, as a teacher, presently feels “middle class” because he has a lot of control over his working schedule. Following this thinking, Shaun’s family would be considered working class in that they do not have this control. Furthermore, sociologist Julia Wrigley, writing in the foreword to a book on education and class, describes “class” as involving job status level, social standing, education level, and wealth (vii, ix). As I show below, Shaun seems to focus on money and job status as the important components of a socioeconomic identity, more so than any other class identifiers, though he does eventually see education as a way to achieve both. His focus on these is probably due to his working-class origins. Various researchers in rhetoric and composition have theorized what working class origins mean to identity construction, especially academic identity, which I address in chapter 7. However, some of these researchers address socioeconomic identity as well. For example, Borkowski discusses how some working class children who are avid readers read for escape. He asserts “that books represent socioeconomic salvation” and 86 dc th 0\ O\ €11 ed \K'C thr ha 50’ C C) are the “cultural capital that enable some to find a ‘way out of limiting economic circumstances” (104). He declares that “whether it develops unconsciously or deliberately, ‘a deep passion for reading’ imparts to the working-class child a view that the culturally alien and economically restraining world of the working class can be overcome” (104). Shaun was an avid reader, often listing the books he is reading on his own in his diary (e.g., “Am reading ‘The insidious Dr F u-man-Chu’ by Sax Rohmee. An enthralling book” [4/11/53]).32 In fact, by college, he is reading several books a month. While Shaun does not write any statements in his diary related to books being an “escape” from his economic situation, he does eventually indicate that his education in general should lead to a better job (easier and higher paying).3'3 At first, however, “escape” for Shaun is clearly to be achieved through earning money, with or without education. More specifically, Shaun’s socioeconomic identity is very much tied to his worries about not having enough money. His comments about money generally fall into three categories: his lack of it, how he might get it, and (more rarely) how he enjoys having it when he has it. For convenience, I break down my discussion of his socioeconomic identity formation into three time periods: pre college, college, and post college. ’2 The Insidious Dr. F u Manchu was published in New York in September, 1913, and was written by Arthur Sarsfield Ward using the penname Sax Rohmer. In June, 1913, the book was published in London as The Mystery of Dr. F u-Manchu (Knapp). 33 See James Berlin’s Rhetorics, Poetics, and Cultures: Refiguring College English Studies for an interesting discussion of both the historical and current relationship between education, class, and upward mobility, including “the current role of the English department in the larger social scheme” (15) as well as ways to discuss “social class in its relation to work, income, and ideology” (129). See Lois Weis’s Race, Class. and Gender in American Education for essays related to how “schools . . . prepare students for unequal futures based on class, race. or gender” (3). Last, see Mike Rose’s Lives on the Boundary: A Moving Account of the Struggles and Achievements of A merica ’s Educationally Underprepared for a discussion of “the efl‘ects of background on schooling” (177). 87 Pre-College Money Issues Growing up, Shaun was aware of his socioeconomic status, sometimes writing about his family’s lack of money, as well as his own lack of money. In fact, he was rather obsessed with money in the way he recorded how much he spent and earned throughout his forty-five year diary (as regularly as he recorded the time he awoke, went to bed, and spent doing whatever it is he was doing [e.g., “I cooked a delicious steak dinner & left after eating it. 12:55 to 2:35” 2/26/56]).34 He usually totaled the money he spent in the lower-right-hand corner of each page, separated from the text by a partial box. That his family did not have a lot of extra money comes across right away in his diary. On his fourth day of keeping a diary (again, he is fourteen), Shaun writes, “Well we’ve had no heat for a while. It will freeze good tonite. Boy is it cold. I am Hungary” (1/4/50). On 3/26/50 he notes, “We had a chicken for the first time in the longest time.” And on 5/26/50, he indicates “No allowance again.” Also as a marker of a socioeconomic status, the theme of bathrooms sometimes comes up in essays about growing up poor (e.g., Melanie Scheller writes of them in her essay, “On the Meaning of Plumbing and Poverty”). So too, with Shaun. In 1951, Shaun discusses helping his dad and uncle build a bathroom in the house—they dug out a septic system and put down drain tiles; it seems this is the first one they have had, and he sometimes comments on how well it works. He also notes that he baths weekly (“I took my weekly Sunday bath” 4/4/53), but wishes it could be more often: “Took my usual bath (oh for one everyday)” (4/10/54). Whether his bathing practices were linked to economics or convenience is 3" During a class session in American cultural rhetorics with Malea Powel at Michigan State University in which I discussed this aspect of the diary, Ahimsa Bodhran suggested Shaun’s recording of time and money spent could be interpreted as his marking what he could control, or his noticing things that were safe to notice, especially early on when Shaun was going through his sexual identity crisis. 88 \\ \N in "3 fr lit" 1” I; J CT uncertain, but they could be, since it is possible the bathroom did not include a bathtub with plumbing, as on 9/10/56, Shaun notes that he “had cof[fee] & emptied Moms wash water.” In 1952, his grandmother also has an indoor bathroom installed, but once again, Shaun notes, “emptied Gram’s wash water & got Sheila at school” (9/11/56), perhaps implying that the indoor bathroom was simply a toilet. In terms of actual income, Shaun indicates that “Dad is working on Sat. now. He got $100.05 this week” (11/28/52). This works out to about sixteen dollars per day, or about two dollars an hour, assuming his father worked six days that week (forty-eight hours) and was paid time and a half for the eight hours of overtime.35 According to the US. Census Bureau, the median income for a white family in 1952 was $4,114 (“Historical Income”), or also about sixteen dollars per day based on a 250-working-day year, but without overtime (fifty weeks at five days per week).36 However, note that the US. Census Bureau reports that the poverty threshold for a family of six in 1952 was $3,944 (“Historical Poverty”), meaning that Shaun’s family income was not much above the poverty threshold.37 That not everyone benefited economically during the boom times is clear. Dunar cites economist John Kenneth Galbraith’s finding of “the disparity between highly visible prosperity and far less visible poverty in American Society” (201 ), which Galbraith explored in his book The Aflluent Society (1958). This effect was enhanced by the development of suburbs, whose residents, Dunar points out, “earned more money, with average incomes of $7,] 14 compared to $5,940 for city dwellers and 3’ Time-and-a-half overtime pay was established in the 1938 Fair Labor Standards Act, as amended in 1949 (United States 8). 36 $4,114 in 1952 is equal to $25,649 in 2005 dollars, but note that in 2005, the median income for a white family was $59,317 (which probably now reflects the income from more than one person) (“Historical lncome”). 37 For comparison, note that the poverty threshold in 2005 for a family of six was $26,683 (“Historical Poverty”), which is just above the inflation-adjusted 1952 wages of $4,224. 89 $3,228 for those living on farms” (178). F arber points out that at the end of the decade, suburban populations equaled that of the United State’s main cities (9).38 Since Shaun and his family lived in a small, rural town, they perhaps did not benefit as much as others from the economic boom. However, even though Shaun’s family did not have a lot of money, his parents sometimes shared it with him. ’ Sometimes Shaun’s parents gave him money, and when they did, he also notes it: “I am eating at school for a week Morn gave me the money” (2/27/51). Perhaps more often he notes it when they did not: “I stayed home today & tonite--no money. . . . Boy money is scarce” (9/14/51); “I sure was broke, had to swipe cigarettes. Dad was kinda ugly” (12/9/51); and “Went to the slant Show--fair[;] couldn’t see the fun show cause it was 20 cents & I only had 15 dammit!” (6/1/52). To supplement his allowance, he often picked produce or did odd jobs for his family to earn money for movies and so on, until he could get other jobs: “I picked 22 quarts of strawberrys at fishers 5¢ per quart. Kinda hard on your back!” (6/14/51); “Tomorrows the last day of school. I get a job from Henry Greiger & Lonnie 1$ an hour” (5/26/52; he tried to get a job the previous summer, but he couldn’t get a permit for it); “Went to work for Henry Greiger today--4$--4 hrs. Wasn’t too hard. . . . Glad I’m working anyway” (6/3/52); and “I cut weeds for Gram today & earned 1$ hard work but it didn’t hurt me” (9/10/52). Shaun’s noting the level of difficulty of these jobs is important to understanding his take on what a socioeconomic identity means (eventually leading to an understanding on his part of job status), 3’ In addition to these economic implications, the growth of the suburbs had racial implications, too, since, as Dunar explains, “by 1960, only 8 percent of African Americans lived in the suburbs, whereas more than 50 percent lived in central cities. In contrast, 23 percent of white Americans lived in the suburbs, and 30 percent in central cities” (178), further increasing racial segregation. 90 especially as he works other jobs over the years. His focus on money, however, will take precedence as the key component of such an identity for him. During these early diary years, he continues to note the scarcity of money and sometimes its effects, further emphasizing its importance to him: “Money is scarce!” (5/7/52); “I’m darn mad about losing that money at the bingo last nite. I really need a pr. of new socks” (6/28/52); and “Lord but money’s scarce” (5/15/53). He also often wishes for money in the future, both immediate and distant: “I hope someday God lets me have money & be a sucess!” (5/9/52); “Oh gosh if only I had @131! ! !” (1/18/53); “Lord! Money isn’t everything but what it isn’t I can do without” (1/19/53); and “Not that I plan on being worldly but I intend to be rich someday” (3/29/53). Towards this end, he decides to get a formal job the summer after eleventh grade, about which he has already expressed worry: “I worried what I’ll do this summer for a job” (4/4/53). In 1953, at seventeen, he is hired at his first formal job, working at a cafeteria in a nearby automobile plant: “I got my job today at [the automobile plant] cafeteria--80¢ an hour 8 hrs a day hitch hiked over & back. [G]ot my permit and had a phisical examination, got a badge, hours 7:30 to 4:00 hard work till I get used to it” (5/31/53). The next day, he writes, “Job is hard (for me) lord! But I made about $6.40. . . . I’ll be glad when I get paid.”39 The days pass, and he notes his initial pleasure working: “I kind 3” This entry is also dated 5/31/53— “June 1” is crossed out at the top of the page and “31” is written, but there is also an entry on the 5/31 page, which he has labeled “Mon 53”; that day was really June 1 in 1953. The dates are in general a bit mixed up in the five-year diary. At the top of each page is the commercially printed month and day number, and the idea is that all daily entries for that date during the five years (1950 through 1954) are to be written on that page. However, Shaun has crossed out some of the numbers and written in different ones, but not all of the other years’ day names match up with this number (or the original). For example, on November 4, for the 1952 entry, he writes “Tues,” and Tuesday is the 4th. but for 1953, he has written “Thu,” which is really the 5th. Presumably he initially crossed out the date number for 1950, but he does not write the day name that year or the next, as he does for the other three years. Furthermore, at the end of the diary, there are a few damaged and missing pages, and he has added two pieces of paper with most of the missing entries on them. On one of these, he writes “Somewhere along the 91 of liked my job. I hitch—hiked home--wow! [G]ot my social security no tonite . . . . Dad’s going to see if he can get me in at the . . . cafeteria [at the automobile factory where he works]” (6/1/53); “My job isn’t as bad as it was. Dad couldn’t get me in at [his factory;] . . . . hitch hiked home as usual” (6/2/53); “I like my work better than I did. I eat breakfast & diner there free” (6/6/53; food plays an interesting role in his academic identity formation, which I explain in chapter 7); “I love my job & like the people” (6/ 7/5 3); “I’m really toughening into my job” (6/ 8/ 53); “Well I get my first pay check tomorrow. Wonder how much. I’m rather toughened up. I still hitch hike home” (6/9/53); and “I got my first pay check that was $23.17 after all was taken out. I started a Bank account (5 $) with the US. State Bank in Leweston. Paid up some of my debt” (6/10/53). Working has made it a bit easier on him in terms of money, though he waxes and wanes about his job satisfaction: “My job is growing on me. I kind of like it” (6/13/53); “I enjoy the work” (6/20/53); “Around Thursday nite my strength seems to sap away. Lord but I’m bored. [B]usy, but no social life” (6/23/53); “I kind of hated to go back to wor ” (7/11/53); “Because I wanted a change tomorrow morning I start to work at the [plant] at 6:30 instead of 7:30--my but I think I’ll like it, altho I’m rather sick of wor ” (7/13/53); “My I’m getting so I don’t mind my job at all. I rather enjoy it at times” (7/19/53); and “It really took will power to get back in the harness & to go to work today” (8/1/53). What keeps him going is the money, which will become apparent in future entries. His job was for only a short time, however, because of layoffs, and he soon begins to worry about money again, a worry which follows him through his senior year in high line the months (days in them, rather[)], are mixed up.” To make it easier to find the original entries, I used the date at the top of the page (as corrected by him if applicable, even incorrectly). 92 school: “Friday is my last day at work at the [plant]. There’s a big lay off” (8/17/53); “Will my money last all winter?” (9/6/53); “I’m virtually broke. I actually need a job now” (9/25/53); “I’m really broke” (10/9/53); “I’m broke” (1/3/54); and “Boy am I broke flat!” (1/10/54). This leads to his wishing for more money, as well as his joy at getting some: “Gosh I’d like some money its awful to be broke!” (1/12/54); “Mom went to a party tonite to a $27,000 house--I’ll have one like that someday” (1/14/54); “I got my income tax back a check for 99.40. Boy, is it handy - I’ve darn near spent it already! So many ideas for it” (2/5/54); “Say all that money is a wonderful thing” (2/8/54); and “I’ve got 57$ left of my Income tax” (2/26/54). He eventually does run out of this money (buying clothes, piano sheet music, and records) and needs another job. However, it does not take him long to find a summer job at the nearby automobile factory again after he graduates from high school, but this time in the plant itself: “Daisy & I went to Leweston. I had a physical & go to work tomorrow at $1.80 an hour” (5/25/54). This job will give him some money for college. He does not yet discuss college as a way to leave the working class; rather, he still emphasizes the importance of having money in general, and he justifies the type of work he is doing, which he does not like, because of the money: “I actually worked from 7:30 till 4:30. Boy I worked! I wasn’t too tired tho. Not at $1.80 an hour” (5/26/54); “Worked 8 hrs. . . . Boy is it tough and monotous. . . . How I ha_te it so very much” (5/31/54 [2]); "Oh how I hate to go to work tomorrow but it soon will be over. I hate that job but oh joy money!” (6/4/54); “I worked 8.3 in hot torrid humid heat. . . . My I hate my job hate the heat but oh the money” (6/7/54); and “Boy I’m pooped to say the least but oh the money” (6/29/54). One entry in particular is interesting in that it expresses his desire to not have to work at all some day, as opposed to getting a job he likes: “I 93 worked on metal finishing from 6:49 till 3:47. Lord but its hard work! At least it was cool today. I hope someday I won’t have to work” (5/31/54 [1]). Ironically, he soon does not have to work, but not because he now has lots of money; rather, he is laid off, and worries over money again consume him, especially as he enters college. College Money Issues Shaun continues to worry about money in college; he needs money to go to school, pay for his car, and fund his social life (and, interestingly, buy the turkey one Thanksgiving: “1 lent the folks 5$ & we got a 14 lb. turkey” [11/23/54]). As a freshman, Shaun tries to get a job at a local radio station, but without success: “Went out to WXYZ. Didn’t get the job. My voice won’t command” (10/9/54). Consequently, he watches his money carefully and again notes his desire to have more of it in the firture: “It is very difficult to figure all I want in life. I believe, money & a good marriage but I don’t know” (monthly memorandum for April, 1955; the statement also refers to his sexual identity, which I discuss in chapter 6) and “I had baked beans & wieners 75¢! Very good for that price. Someday I’ll be worth a million $” (5/9/55). This last sentence perhaps implies he would not have to eat such food if he had more money. A lack of money has more important ramifications, however. Towards the end of his first year in college, he notes he might not be able to return unless he gets a job: “Perhaps I shall find summer employment. If I don’t I question the possibility of returning” (6/7/55). However, on 6/15, he notes, “The horrible realization of the [factory] scares me. I’ll be working very soon I bet.” Based on his previous entries, he seems scared of the difficulty of the job (especially in the heat), and he notes “I’m in no hurry to go to work” (6/18/55), but he realizes that he will have to: “I’ll try [for a job] at the [plant] again tomorrow. It will either be the car or college I’ve soon found out!” (6/23/55). He sees that he will 94 need the money to continue college; future entries will show a more explicit understanding of what college can do for him in terms of getting better jobs. He gets a job as a metal finisher in the automobile factory again, about which he is not really happy: “Metal finishing on seams, ugh!” (6/27/55). He works 8.9 hours the first day, and from then on, he records the number of hours worked in the top margin of each pertinent day’s entry until he ends this particular job. His act of recording what could be termed “a difficult time” in this way is important, as he will do so with other issues he has in the future such as his weight and whether he is dieting and, as I will explain in chapter 6, his appeals to Jesus, Mary, and Joseph and the number of days he has abstained from sexual activity during a period of intense crisis related to his sexual identity. Even though his job is difficult, his diary entries related to it continue to justify it based on the money he is earning: “I dread these long summer work days ahead. But think of the money!” (6/29/55); “All in all I see a hot, sweaty, weary, tiring, dirty, busy summer ahead. But--I might add, and hope, a profitable one” (“Memoranda” for June); and “It has been a long hot month full of work. I’m prospering very nicely. At this time next month I hope to have lots of money & be ready for a vacation” (“Memoranda” for July). In fact, he is earning enough money to declare “Iqalmost believe that I could like the [factory] & its men” (8/11/55). However, in the “Memoranda” for August, he writes, “I hate my job (in a way) & I s_h_ou_ld_ look forward to college.” This last statement may indicate his socioeconomic identity is beginning to lose a bit of its focus on only money as an escape, perhaps, and is beginning to focus more on education as an escape (at least as a way toward more money), but not entirely, as back at school for his sophomore year, he notes “MOney will soon be a big problem” (10/5/55). Likewise, in the November Memorandum, he notes “I could use more money,” and in December, his dad starts to 95 give him $5.00 per week as he has spent most of his money from the summer. Even so, in the December Memorandum, he notes “Money is a problem—-but of course it _a_lyv_ay_s is!” And at the end of the 1955 volume, on a page entitled “Christmas List” by the publisher, is Shaun’s notation about not being able to “afford. Christmas,” which I quoted in chapter 3. Money continues to be a problem the following semester, as Shaun frequently notes (he has to pay for his room at college, meals, and entertainment): “Ck acct is bone dry” (1/28/56); “Money is very very very very very very very very scarce!” (1/30/56); “Money is a nightmare of a prob. Phooey on it!” (1/31/56); and “I ate supper alone at Grill. Meatloaf again. My budget you know” (2/28/56). Similar entries appear until the following summer, when he works as a camp counselor, a job which turns out to be easier than working in the factory, as Shaun writes: “Then swimming. Then dinner & rest period--card day. 2 periods of dram. & 3 rehearsals of the play. How rough? (Better than [the factory].) Swam again” (8/8/56). He returns to his junior year in college with some money in the bank, yet a need for more: “I cashed ck for $203.98 & put that & 2$ in Ck acct. . . . I hope I get a job (one fitting for my position) real soon” (8/20/56). Note that Shaun now wishes for a job “fitting” to his position, not just for the money, marking a significant shift in is socioeconomic identity, one perhaps influenced by having two years of college behind him. In his research, Borkowski found that the idea of rising above one’s station is voiced in “most” academic working-class-origin stories, beginning with Richard Hoggart (The Uses of Literacy, 195 7) and especially including Richard Rodriguez (Hunger of Memory: The Education of Richard Rodriquez, 1983) (101 ). Borkowski explains that it is a theme which “cuts across boundaries of race, sex, and gender, with class shared by all” (101) such as in the narratives of Patricia A. Sullivan, 96 Suzanne Sowinska, bell hooks (Where), and Pat Belanoff (102). Even though Shaun’s diary is not an academic working-class-origin narrative, it still shows how his socioeconomic identity formation fits into the related research. Shaun, however, has not yet fully formed his socioeconomic identity. In his junior year, he continues to express his hope for a job, but again his hope is tied to money and desired success: “I called WXYZ (95¢) & Karen & I plan to go up tomorrow. . . . Prav I get that job at WXYZ. Oh Lord. . . . I pray for success & money. Someday with God’s help” (8/22/56; note also the reference to his religious identity, a topic of analysis in chapter 6). His hope is also tied to worry: “Well, money is a problem that has me worried. Why worry? Dear Lord, someday allow me to be rich & never need anything. I’d _lo_ve_ that!” (9/6/56). The last statement could reflect his having grown up “needing things” from time to time. Quite telling, however, is his entry for 9/9/56: “Watched TV at Grams till 10:00. Saw Elvis Pressley (the rage). He’s my age & famous & wealthy. Maybe I’m wasting my time. To think of it.” Such thoughts would not be unheard of among today’s college students, especially in relation to professional athletes or rap singers. But these thoughts could also relate to the idea some in the working class have about education being a waste of time. For example, Borkowski explains how his working-class family did not support his advanced studies, advocating that “real work” involves the use of one’s hands (99). While Shaun does not write any diary entries directly related to his family’s belief in education, or what they feel constitutes “rea ” work, he does write how his father sometimes threatened to cut off his money for college.40 For example, on 9/17/56, he ’0 An entry in his “Mental Hygiene ‘Log’” does speak a bit more toward his family’s belief in education: “I believe nothing in my whole college career impressed my ‘non-college’ family as much as seeing this book 97 writes “This aft. watched TV at Grams & then cleaned, dusted & mopped our hall. It needed it by gum. Then Dad & I haggled over coming school expenses. What will we do? A job must be the answer.” Such threats may have been for reasons other than his father not believing in a college education, however. In any case, Shaun continues to wonder and worry: “Well, I’m hoping I can get a job in College Town. I’ve got to. I’ve only got 175$ in bank. Dear God I’ve got to. Radio or waiting on tables. I prefer the latter but will do Mg. Got to make 15 a wk.” (9/14/56). It seems he is no longer worried about finding a job fitting to his “position” as a third-year college student, although I am not sure if he meant “former” instead of “latter” in the above entry; based on his other entries, “former” makes more sense as working at a radio station would probably have more status than working in a restaurant. Also, he applies for the radio station job. Whatever the case, his emphasis is still on money: “I pray I can adjust socially & financially to College Town. How will I ever make money up there?” (9/16/56; see chapter 5 for the non-economic aspects of his social identity). Realizing that he will not get the announcer job, he concludes: “Guess I’m out . . . . The Lord must help me now when I transplant to College Town or else things will be rough” (9/17/56). His worry about things becoming rough is important, as it is linked to his partially developed socioeconomic identity of working as a means of self respect, as well as his desire to socialize, as evidenced in the following entry: Can I get a job & preserve education & self respect? Can I adjust to College Town & that coop of a room. Here is where, with God’s grace, I start the habit of self respect, thrift, fun & socialization. (I may be home of big names edited by one of my teachers [a collection of essays on teaching Shaun read]. My Dad, who has shown very little interest in my college career, was impressed enough to read some of it!” 98 Frid nite). How can I do all this? [At the t0p is written: “I’ve got to make 10$ a wk my”? (9/18/56) But, he has some trouble finding his ideal job and ends up working at a local diner. On his first day, he notes: “Worked 7 to 1:33 am. & was pooped. Washed dishes, soda jerked, fried things, cleared & cleaned tables ect ect ect. . . . I made $5.95 today & will get $5.45 (50¢ deducted). I guess I work tomorrow. Oh to lower myself but can I use money” (9/22/56). Again, his need for money overcomes his need for a job to reflect a higher socioeconomic status, as evidenced by his last sentence in the above entry. He does not let this idea pass too easily, either: “Made 6.30 - 50 ¢ = $5.98 [sic]. Wk total $11.43[.] How nice to be working but such a ridicilous sum, eh?” (9/23/56). As he continues his job at the diner during junior year, he continues to think about money and jobs: “I got tipped 35¢ & not bad! (fre_e food too)[.] Trouble is down there you earn your money. I was very pooped tonite” (12/10/56). The difficulty of the job still bothers him. He concludes, “Dear God I must suceed and get rich & li_ve_. I’m bored & existing around here. If only--” (12/17/56). The “if only” could relate to several possible scenarios, but most likely involves his financial well-being, based on other entries. For example, at the beginning of his 1957 diary volume, he sets out ten resolutions, which he wrote on 12/31/56. Half of these deal with his wishes for success, mainly financial: “Improve the future,” “Sacrafice a_ll for success,” “To become successfirl, happy and prosperous,” “To work hard,” and “To bank money.” He begins on these resolutions right away, but it is not easy: “Cooked 375 hamburgs, had 470 customers & grossed $201.80 (m did)” (1/6/57). In fact, he will soon be broke (“I’m short of m” [1/24/5 7]), but he once again has hope for a good summer job: “I pray that I get a good job this summer. By good I mean travel, money prestige & 99 compensation. Only God can provide it & if it’s his will I shall do okay” (2/9/57). Notice Shaun’s renewed emphasis on prestige and his desire to rise above his working class status (with God’s help), which he reiterates: “Things are tight now for awhile, but I hope, not always” (2/10/57). Toward the end of his junior year, he is excited about the possibility of another camp position through which to earn money, because it better meets his ideas of an improved socioeconomic status along with a job he can enjoy: “This summer I pray for a good job that involves: travel . . . , money, enjoyment and orignaliness” (4/14/57). He continues working toward this ideal (still asking for help from God) and eventually succeeds, though not without a lot of angst: “I pray for a good summer & a good job out of state” (4/18/57). This last comment perhaps reflects his desire to literally escape from his situation (social, sexual, and family; one of his 1957 New Year’s resolutions was to “break home ties”). Hi5 situation becomes worse, however, after he causes a car accident: “My God! What will I do? I won’t have a car & Irn pissy poor. . . . I’m pooped, depressed & fi'ustrated terribly. What will happen? I don’t know, I don’t know. I’ll lose noon job ect” (5/18/57). His bad situation is compounded by more financial worries, especially related to his education: “Dear God in 8 days I’ll be out. I hear tuition is raising 35$. (How--I can’t afford it)” (6/4/57). Yet, he does not want to continue working in a restaurant, as he notes: “Restruant summer work-—no good” (6/8/5 7). Fortunately, he does not have to, since he gets a camp counselor job in another state. He is “Thrilled about no summer resturant work” (6/11/57), and his summer as a camp counselor goes well. He begins his senior year in college with continued financial worries, even though he earned money over the summer. However, he more explicitly relates his future 100 financial success to his education when he writes, “God grant that I graduate. How nice it will seem to blow money & I’ll do it. (Save some I guess)” (9/5/57). Two semesters away from that goal, though, he faces renewed financial threats from his father: “Dad threatens me with no money. Oh to be independent!” (9/9/5 7). Fortunately, his father does not carry through with his threat: “Dad got 300$ for me fiom Credit Union--bless him” (9/12/5 7). Despite the infusion of money, he still worries. For example, regarding the prospect of student teaching, he writes a list of pros and cons. Under “cons,” he writes “No money” (11/10/57), a thought which he later repeats: “No income till Jan?” (11/15/57). However, he sees a financial plus to teaching full time once he graduates: “Imagine the pay checks next Sept!” (12/14/5 7). But that is still over a semester away: “I’m broke except for bank & tips. (all wallet cash gone)” (12/21/57) and “Pray for money to spend next year” (12/24/5 7). Shaun’s last semester in college is fraught with similar worries over money, heightened by his not being able to work as much as he would like. He renews his hope for a good job in the future: “Oh to be out teaching & money! (Even then I won’t be satisfied[)]” (1/11/58). This last statement could refer to his sexual identity problems (explored in chapter 6), though he could mean he would want even more money, which is still his primary emphasis. At present, though, he continues to express dismay over his lack of money as well as wish for more: “My Gosh the financial troubles I have! Brother. Oh to be rich” (2/22/58). He applies and gets a loan from the school, however, and writes “Money is no longer a problem thank God!” (3/9/58). He promptly spends some on an interview suit, tying even that to his hope for an improved future, financially: “Dressed nicely (in my 15$ suit--someday I’ll laff at that)” (4/6/58). Before that day arrives, however, he has to get through another summer. Just before graduation, he 101 obtains another camp counselor job: “Letter from . . . [northeastern camp]. Offer of 400$ & rnd trip transp etc. Head of camp paper. Then estatic over that” (5/8/58). He is pleased: “Life looks gm; . . . Money is no prob but classes are” (5/12/58; he does not spend enough time studying, which I discuss in chapter 7). He leaves for camp and later notes, showing once again how he wishes to improve his socioeconomic status mainly from a financial point of view, “Parents started arriving. Met 5 pr. . . . Rich bastards I envy” (7/26/58). Soon after his return from camp at the end of the summer, he begins his first full-time teaching job, but it is not the end of his money issues, contrary to his expectations. Post-College Money Issues Shaun begins teaching in September, 1958. His first money-related entry after this is “got pd $140.00 & some ¢ take[-home] pay (170$ before deductions!) Satisfied, I guess” (9/16/58). Judging from his comments here and elsewhere, he is happy to be earning more money than he ever has in the past, but his happiness is tempered by the idea of deductions, as evidenced by his last statement. Even this lukewarm satisfaction with the money is short-lived, however: “Money is surprisingly tight for me. Spend too much” (9/26/58). Interestingly, he may spend too much (part of which is on an apartment), but not on other people: “Had short faculty meeting--Expected to donate 10$ to Comm. Chest--crazy! I’ll give 2$” (10/21/58). He continues to note his money woes: “Have 15$ to last till Frid. I will soon get a Saturday job” (1 1/8/5 8; he does not); “Big fight here [parents’ house] over lst phone bill [they installed a phone at the end of last year]--l4$ (I gave Ma 10$ & mad about it.)” (1/17/59); “went looking at an apt. (appreciate mine more, I guess but teed off at paying 45$ mo & 10$ heat! Mad!)” (1/28/59); “Insurance due (car) 53$--terrible! How can you get ahead” (1/29/59); and 102 after a few months, “Money Lally goes!” (4/2/59). Clearly, his primary focus related to his socioeconomic identity is money. Even though he has these money issues, he decides to buy a very small, run-down cabin up north for $850 ($50 down) to fix up and enjoy (4/19/59; later, when he sells it, he will make some money). At the end of his first year teaching, instead of working as a camp counselor, he decides to go to summer school to begin a master’s degree, which costs a lot of money, but will lead to his earning more money (he will eventually earn a Ph.D.); he also spends lots of time and money fixing his cabin. He begins his second year teaching in September, but his money woes intensify in October, when he resigns (for reasons I will discuss in chapter 6), and he notes, “I’m almost broke” (lO/9/59), followed by “I’m going broke!” (12/23/59), a familiar notation for him. However, he lands another teaching job in January, and he feels flusher: “Will pay off bills tomorrow, yippee. Thank God I can do it!” (1/8/60). At the end of the school year, however, he is faced with the prospect of having to get a summer job due to continued debt, his living expenses, and his love for shopping— “Want new pants with deep pockets to match new shirt (for Wed.) Can I afford them?” (5/23/60). He tries hard to find a job—“Applied for jobs all over” (5/26/60)—and soon notes that he has “about 113$ left to [his] name” (6/1/60). His concern is so great that while before he noted some dissatisfaction with working in a restaurant (6/8/57), on 6/4/60, he writes “I’d like a good job (restaurant?).” The next day, he has a “couple of job possibilities,” and on June sixth, in a surprise move given his desired socioeconomic status, he “Tried job at drive-in, factory, [grocery store], a restaurant etc.” and accepts a janitorial job on 6/8/60 for $60 per week (40 hours) at the school where he is a teacher. This is just in time, as on 6/10/60, he writes “nearly broke!” Not entirely forgetting his 103 ideas about job status, the janitorial job bothers him a bit, though, as he notes on Saturday, 6/11/60: “Monday I’m a janitor I guess.” At first, he finds the janitor job tiring, but potentially not too bad: “I scrubbed floor with electric buffer all day--ruff--gym floor. . . . Very sore! . . . . I’m working 9 hrs. M thru Th. to leave north on Fridays at noon . . . . Exhausted physically, that’s good! I may like my job when I get broke in” (6/13/60). He even writes “It hasn’t been a bad week. I’m beginning to enjoy janitoring” (6/16/60). Just a couple of days later, though, he changes his mind and writes “Dread work again” (6/18/60) followed by “I sure dread going back to that hard, dirty lonely job in the morning but I will try it again. Ugh I hate it” (6/19/60). So once again, he is working a difficult and “dirty” job, just like at the factory, because his need for money has outweighed his need for job status. In fact, the money he is earning encourages him to keep going, as it did in the past, but this time, he sees an end: “I not only anticipate the week-end & payday but Sept & no more hard labor” (6/21/60). Thus, like some of the theorists studying working-class identity I cited above, Shaun, too, sees the type of work one does as an important component of socioeconomic identity. Even so, his main emphasis is still on money. After his janitorial work ends with the beginning of the school year, he once again earns his teacher’s salary without too much complaint about money until near the end of the school year when he begins to worry: “Am I almost broke!” (4/9/61) and “Money scarce!” (4/10/61). Since he takes summer classes instead of working, this worry continues into the next school year: “Where does the money go?” (9/6/61); “Do I spend money--wow!” (10/6/61); and “My money is going fast!” (1 1/6/61). One of his New Year’s resolutions is to “be more Holy, creative & money hungry” (1/1/62), and he continues to make many notations about spending money. However, he is still not happy 104 with his socioeconomic status, as evidenced when four people unexpectedly come to visit him at his grandmother’s (two are former students, I believe): “I was horrified to have them come in--we’re not up to date!” (1 1/4/62). He notes several times over the next few years in his diary how difficult it is to live in his grandmother’s house because of its being out of date and. their not having the money to change it: “M, very. Jesus, I hope someday to have Comforts. At least not to freeze as we do. It is terrible. Jesus mercy!” (1/16/63); “Nearly frozen (40° in bedrm!)” (1/21/63); “Gram & l lunch. We sure are m & can afford little! I gave her 12$ for her insurance” (4/27/63); “If I ever have a house, ever, it will be wind tight & insulated so we’re not miserable like we are here. Gram pretends not to mind, but it’s terrible!” (1/12/64); “Very, Very Cold in my room” (3/18/65); and “Bed 9:45--%I. Lord how I nearly always freeze around here!” (3/27/65). These entries indicate he has continued to expand his idea of what a socioeconomic identity means: money, job status, education, and “up-to-date” living conditions. He still emphasizes money, however. In September, 1966, he moves into a rental house with a friend and later declares “Enjoy the luxury of a furnace” (10/25/67). Yet, he notes “Money is usually scarce this time of yr & we’re both broke” (1/7/68), despite his increasing income. In fact, he soon notes “1000$ raise next yr by diocese causing chaos. I’ll get 9000$ or over--twice what I made 10 yrs ago!” (2/6/68). He does have many expenses, especially related to his new living situation. Also, even though he cannot afford it easily, he continues to help his grandmother financially, and will do so until she dies: “To Burg to see Gram--gave her 30$ check to help her out--(God knows I need it, too!)” (3/17/68). Years pass, and money issues still bother Shaun, despite his increasing income, mostly due to increased expenses associated with buying a house—then a bigger house—with his friend: “We 105 are broke--gone too far in debt & it worries me” (2/6/69); “Boy are we ever broke these days--payments are terrible!” (2/10/69); and “I’m nearly broke” (5/1/70). However, with his new contract for the following school year and its increased salary, plus the recent improvements in his living situation, he has achieved some of his socioeconomic aspirations: “I signed contract for next year[;] $12,300 is better than 4200$ when I started teaching” (5/6/ 70). Indeed, on 10/14/70, Shaun writes a statement that could be an epiphany related to his socioeconomic identity: “Got pd 391$ take home pay. . . . Pd scads of bills about 200$ worth & Lil] have lots of money left over. Can’t imagine it!” Given his previous statements related to working difficult and dirty jobs which are beneath him, having enough money to at least be comfortable and buy what he wants, and not wanting people to see him live in outdated housing, it seems clear with this entry that he has achieved his desired socioeconomic status, a move that could be interpreted as his forming a socioeconomic identity in the sense that he now accepts his socioeconomic situation without agonizing over it, reflecting Marcia’s “achieved” identity status (2), as I explained in chapter 2. Looking at Shaun’s socioeconomic identity, however, one can see that he still places a lot of emphasis on the “economic” part of “socioeconomic status,” with less importance placed on the actual job that is the source of the money. This is further evidenced the following year, when he writes, “Lord, I certainly dread the thought of going to schl in AM. Dread it--wish I had money & didn’t have to wor ” (9/26/71). It is not that he dislikes teaching (quite the contrary; see chapter 7 for an analysis of his teacherly identity). It just seems money is more important to him (especially as a means to live better), a trait that is further emphasized when he loses his teaching job at the end of the 1970-71 school year due to funding issues arising from changes to the law 106 governing how nonpublic schools are funded. On 2/3/71, Shaun writes “Sr Emily chatted informally & said that the Schl board met Last Thurs & decided they couldn’t afford my salary & I won’t be asked back i_f w open (which they haven’t decided yet!) I was upset! I was very upset!” He follows this with “I’m worried about a job” (2/5/71) and “Saw Fr Wheaton & confirmed schl cannot afford men-maybe won’t stay open even. He said he’d write letter of recommend. & I could have days off to job hunt” (2/17/71). He has not found one by 5/18/71, when he writes “I sure am worried about a job-—I’ll need one paying at least 12 thou a yr to keep things going around here.” The following month, he writes “I am really anxious about a job for next year. Don’t know what I’ll do--maybe sell real estate. We need at least 12 thou a yr to live” (6/9/71). In other words, it does not seem to matter whether it is a teaching job—what matters is the money, $12,000 in particular, which will allow him to continue to maintain his desired socioeconomic identity. Other statements include: “We [his fiiend and he] need jo_bs & what God has planned I don’t know but I’m anxious!” (7/15/71); “[the State] Dept of Ed. shot me down--‘no vacancy.’ What will I do for a job? We’ve got to eat?” (7/22/71); and “placed ad in paper--PhD wants job--one phone call this week. I also interviewed with [a] Real Estate [firm] & also [another firm]. I don’t think I want to sell it. Ugh. Dear God, I must get a job soon!” (8/30/71). Fortunately, Shaun gets a job teaching high school in Leweston, and because it is a public school and he has a Ph.D., he eventually earns significantly more money than he would have probably earned at the Catholic high school. By the end of 1972, he is able to write the statement I first quoted in chapter 3: “So ends l972--lt was a good year-—far better than I deserve..[.] 2 jobs [including an evening class at a community college], good health & all my relatives & friends. A 107 blessing!” (Memo for December). Given his focus on money, the order he used to list these characteristics of a “good year” is significant. In light of all of this context—Shaun’s family background, the wider culture of the 19505 and 19605, and his racial and socioeconomic identities—I also found it interesting to see what he considers worthy of mentioning in his diary along the lines of cultural events, including the material culture, which some current genre researchers feel is important, as I mentioned in the introduction to this chapter. Shaun’s Take on Cultural Events and the Material Culture Shaun makes several entries in his diary that relate to the cultural context, though not as many as other types of entries (such as those related to what he does, how much money he spends, and when he goes to bed). In nearly 275 pages of typed notes, I recorded only seven pages related to cultural events or the material culture (from 1950 through 1971, the years I read). But what he does record is interesting. Some entries reflect what the historians I used to surrunarize the important events and other characteristics of the times, above, focused on; other entries show what Shaun felt was also important within the context of his own life (though he rarely points out why it is important). I categorized the entries into six areas for convenience, as follows: 1) Movies and their Possible Connections with Shaun’s Own Life; 2) Television, Television, and More Television; 3) Other Innovations; 4) Politics; 5) Significant Events and Deaths Not Elsewhere Categorized; and 6) Other Signs of the Times. While some of his entries do not include a lot of commentary, all of them help to better understand Shaun and his cultural context overall. 108 Movies and their Possible Connections with Shaun’s Own Life Shaun sees many movies, and he records their names in his diary. Sometimes, he simply lists them: “I saw ‘Adventure in Baltimore’ with Shirley Temple and John Agar[.] I think they both just got divorced” (1/23/50) and “I saw ‘the story of seabuiskit’ a horse picture in tech with Shirley Temple and Lon McCallister” (4/13/50; he is fourteen). As with the Technicolor notation, some of his movie entries are interesting in that they illustrate an innovation related to the times: “I saw my first 3D movie” (6/27/53) and “I saw the 3D movie tonite ‘It Came from Outer Space’ very good. It cost me 55 cents” (10/17/53). Also, he sometimes mentions movie actors: “Actor Humphrey Bogart . . . died this wk” (1/16/57). Occasionally, however, he comments on the movies he lists: “Saw “Psycho” till 9:20--80¢--alone. A terrible shocking & interesting movie” (8/17/60). Among Shaun’s comments on movies are several that are interesting because they show some potentially important connections to his life, at least as I interpret them. For example, on 3/9/51, he writes “I saw the show ‘The Big Wheel’ with Mickey Rooney it was fasinating & boy was it M” Perhaps this particular movie was good because it is about a son who follows in his deceased race-car-driver father’s footsteps (The Big). Shaun’s relationship with his father is a bit rocky, as I explain in chapter 5, and perhaps the movie allowed Shaun to think about the possibility of a different relationship. Along these lines, he also writes “I saw the show ‘When I grow up’ with Bobby Driscoll M Lh_e_l_)£s_t shows I’ve ever seen! ! ! ! ! ! ! !” (2/14/52). According to the Internet Movie Database, this movie is about a young boy who feels neglected and misunderstood at home. Preparing ’ to run away, [the boy] chances across an old diary once kept by his grandfather. . . . Leafing through the yellowed pages, [the boy] discovers 109 that grandpa went through many of the same childhood travails that [he] is enduring at that moment. . . . Armed with a renewed understanding of (and appreciation for) his elders, Bobby decides to stick around for a while and see how things develop. (When) Besides helping him think about his relationship with his own family, the movie may have also reinforced his habit of keeping his own diary in which to write his trials and tribulations, troubles that relate to forming his various identities.41 Perhaps also because of these trials and tribulations, another movie he particularly liked was on 7/4/51: “I saw the show ‘Last of the Buccaneers’ very good. Best show I’ve seen in a long time.” This is about a pirate and War of 1812 hero who came to the rescue of New Orleans (Last), which would certainly appeal to a fifteen-year-old boy, especially one who possibly wished to be rescued from his own troubles. Later, a similar theme of rescue occurs in a movie he saw on 1/3/59: “saw ‘Auntie Mame’ in color at Mongoose Theatre 7:30 - 10:35. _F_abl_ous. Best I’ve ever seen. My“ (Read book.)”42 In this movie, a boy whose father dies is raised by his aunt, Mame, who tries “to rescue him from the stuffy, conventionalist people he’s used to,” all the while trying to get around his father’s executor, who is charged with protecting him “from absorbing too much of Mame’s rather unconventional perspective” (Auntie). Shaun’s love for this movie could result from his also being unconventional (in terms of sexuality) and wishing to be better accepted, if not rescued outright (see chapter 6). Related to issues of sexuality (and who might be a good rescuer), a couple of movies he notes may provide insight (see also my discussion of the movie Dangerous ’1 Furthermore, the idea of “helping others” who may read the diary later may have appealed to him, an idea that perhaps he held onto throughout his life as he did not destroy his diary as I discussed in chapter 3 in relation to “audience" (see pp. 69-70) and will further discuss in chapter 8. ’2 On 6/16/66, he notes he also “Saw ‘Mame’ [star]ing Angela Lansbury 8:30 - l l:20--good” on Broadway. 110 Love Aflairs, in the “Racial Identity” section, above). The first is on 5/10/55: “I saw a rather dramatic movie ‘East of Eden’ at the Marquee. In cinema-scope. It did not lack in sexual qualities I tell you! It was 65¢ as usual.” He is in college at the time (nineteen), and as I will explain in chapter 6, he is fairly obsessed with sex. The second movie is on 1/23/56, when he writes “went to ‘Rebel Without Cause’, [star]ing Jimmy Dean (James?) He is a fablous actor. It’s a shame he died! (In cinemascope & color[.)]” Note that Farber characterizes this movie as being about “a middle-class ‘juvenile delinquent’ trapped in a stifling, boring suburban dystopia” (191), a character with whom people like Tom Hayden (a college student and activist at the time), Farber claims, could identify (191). Shaun probably did not identify with James Dean on this level, since Shaun was not a juvenile delinquent or a middle-class suburbanite, let alone an activist. However, James Dean was good looking, and perhaps Shaun was drawn to him, like he probably was with him in East of Eden. But, perhaps Shaun identified on both levels, given that he grew up Catholic and gay in a very small town and perhaps felt trapped and/or oppressed. That he felt lonely is clear: “I’ve come to the conclusion I have no fiiends in Udderton. I’m getting lonely” (9/1/5 7). The following year, he writes “I wish I were in a big town with money & could meet ‘interesting’ people. My life is narrow & dull” (1/18/58) and “I’m not homesick because I realize firming is there” (7/10/58; I further explore these issues in chapter 6). Also appealing to Shaun, but perhaps for less important reasons than feeling trapped or being lonely, was a movie he saw on 4/23/ 52: “I saw the show ‘Too Young to Kiss’ with Van Johnson & June Allison--very very funny. I thought I’d split laughing.” This is about a popular singer and his pianist fan who auditions to be in one of his shows ( T 00). Shaun liked performing in school theater and also played the piano, so perhaps 111 this is why the movie appealed to him.43 Another example like this is: “Saw ‘Old Yeller’ m dog story at Citadel. Enjoyed it much. (9 - 11:20) 65¢. Good. . . . Best show I saw in ages” (3/5/58). The connection could be as simple as the fact that Shaun and his extended family had many dogs. In any case, all of these movies relate to his cultural context, and they provided him with much entertainment, as did television. Television, Television, and More Television If it were not for television, Shaun would have watched more movies, as he writes on 9/17/52: “I don’t care for movies now that we have T.V. I save money too!” He reiterates this on 4/18/53: “The reason that for the last several months I’ve recorded no movies [in the diary]: cause I have no cause to see any. I like T.V. too well.” That Shaun really liked television becomes very clear from the number of entries he devotes to it. Many entries end with his notation of having watched it before bed, often including what he watched. In fact, he died with the television on (as his fiiend wrote in the diary for that day’s entry, 5/27/94). His first entries related to television are interesting in that they reflect its early adoption and development: “I saw television down at Browns Raido shop boy is it nice. Allison Shoop got a television set but she can’t run it. Her dad does” (2/7/50); “J .P. Jones at the beer garden got an new T.V. set, I saw a little bit tonite” (2/8/50); “went down to Steve Shoops and saw T.V. and Milton berle for the first time. It wasn’t very clear” (2/21/50); “I went to Steve Shoops and saw TV boy was it clear. I saw Aurthur G[odfrey] for the first time. Boy was he good. Elmer Brown has sold all of theirs in the ’3 Shaun enjoyed participating in the theater throughout his life. For example, early in his diary, he notes “I practiced showbot and got my white sailor suit” (1/22/50) and “Thanks to God showboat was a sucess. I have a cute sailor suite. We have to wear makeup” (2/12/50). He later directed school plays as a teacher, sometimes participating in community theater as well, though he no longer noted his excitement over the costumes, at least in the diary volumes 1 read. 112 shop” (2/27/50); “Well I saw T.V. there was quite a few boys down there again” (3/15/50); “I saw T.V. at Steves. Channel [5] in Leweston is on for good. [I]t was clear” (5/1/50); “I saw the first game of football on T.V.” (8/1/50);44 and “We watched Milton Berle & a few plays on T.V. I sure like T.V.!” (6/4/51). Shaun’s family buys its own television set in 1952, though it seems like a . complicated process: “We are getting a T.V. on trial from a friend of dads about Thur.” (3/19/52); “Can hardly wait for T.V.” (3/20/52); “We got our new T.V. at about 7:30--a 20[-inch] one in Red leather [?] about 230$” (3/21/52; this is morethan two weeks of his father’s wages); “Saw ‘our’ T.V. tonite good” (3/22/52); “Man came & got T.V. We’re gonna keep it tho.” (3/23/52); “We were supposed to get a T.V. on trial from Elmer Brown tonite but he didn’t come” (5/20/52); “Dad said we could get the TV tonite if I went down & got it but I didn’t so we didn’t get it” (5/21/52); “Elmer Brown brought us up a 16” Corando T.V. on trial. I like it” (5/28/52); “Like our new T.V. but doubt if we’ll keep it” (5/29/52); “We’ve still got T.V.” (5/30/52); “We still have ‘our’ T.V. Elmer hasn’t come after it” (6/2/52); and “We’re gonna keep the T.V.” (6/13/52). Now that his family has a television, he can watch as often as he likes, but he does not always like what is on: “I love TV--m that those dam conventions are over” (7/12/52; see also “Politics,” below). He continues to record what he watches as well as how much he enjoys it, marking some of the cultural people and events of the times: “Boy our T.V. is clear” (7/28/52); “1 ME our T.V. I like a piano player on T.V. called Liberasce--good” (8/18/52); “I saw my favorite T.V. program tonite-Jackie Gleason” (9/24/53); “My I love T.V. how would we get along without it” (4/9/54); “Gram & I 4’ According to the National Football League, “An NFL game was televised for the first time [on October 22, 1939] when NBC broadcast the Brooklyn Dodgers-Philadelphia Eagles game from Ebbets Field to the approximately 1,000 sets then in New York” (“NFL”). Perhaps Shaun meant he saw the first game available in his broadcast area. 113 watched T.V. tonite till 10:30. We saw an 1 1/2 hr play (broadcast in color but for us black & white) ‘The Women’. Good. I wonder if we’ll ever have color T.V.?” (2/7/55); “Watched T.V. (darn conventions[)] till 10:00 at Grams” (8/21/56); “Watched TV at Grams 10:00. Saw Adali Stevenson--dem. nom for Pres.” (9/13/56; see also “Politics,” below); “Watched TV at Grams till 10:00. I certainly admire Art Godfreys sales ability & position” (9/17/56); “Watched American Bandstandn‘Rock n-roll’” (9/30/58); “T.V.-- darn convention on all week” (7/12/60); “Now Academy Awards on T.V. till 12:00 or 50” (4/17/61); “Now to watch acamedy awards a bit on T.V.” (4/8/63); “‘The Miricle Worker’ & ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ got acadmy awards last nite. . . . Gram & I chat 9 - .9230. Then Jack Benny. Clever!” (4/9/63); “T.V. ‘The Beatels’ on Ed Sullivan” (2/23/64);45 “Saw Julie Andrews win [an Academy Award the previous night] for ‘Mary Poppins’ & Rex Harrison ‘My Fair Lady’” (4/6/64); and “Got l8[-inch] color T.V. set at Sears 374$ (15$ a mo for 13 mo.) Love it--saw ‘Gunsmoke’ etc.” (1/8/68).46 At the very least, all of this confirms Farber’s assertion (also quoted above) that “shared images” from television and the movies were important shapers of the culture at large, images which “formed a set of commonly understood referents, a symbolic language shared by almost all” (49-50). This certainly seems to be true for Shaun, who loved the innovation of television. He also, however, lists a few other innovations of interest. ’5 According to Beatles fan John T. Marck, this was the third time the Beatles appeared on Ed Sullivan; the first was on 2/9/64 and the second was on 2/16/64 (via satellite from Florida). Marck also adds that they had been taped for this third appearance on the afiemoon preceding their first appearance. Shaun does not mention the other appearances; on 2/9, he was at a funeral home in the evening (returning at 9:50 and going to bed with a headache at 10:10), and on 2/16, he went to a movie (4 for Texas, a Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin Western [4]). ’6 Also recall Shaun’s entry about seeing Elvis Pressley, which I quoted above in relation to his socioeconomic status. 114 Other Innovations Besides television, Shaun notes other innovations that help one understand the material culture of the times. For example, on 3/5/50, he notes “We got a new perkulator made of alumin.” On 3/19/50, he writes, “well kites are all the rage. I busted about 4.” Other notations of innovations include: “I had my first ‘King Size’ Coke today” (3/19/55); “Went to Household Appliance & saw a new kind of oven (electron?) that cooks a 20 min cup cake in 15 seconds--you can see it rise! Talked lots to salesman” (3/15/57); “1% my new clock radio. It does all sorts of shutting on & off. Wonders!” (1'0/17/64); and “took colored photos of Gram, Mom & Dad” (1/22/67). It is television, though, that seems to make the most impact, especially in the area of politics, an area Shaun references from time to time. Politics Shaun is not tremendously political; however, he mentions politics every now and then, even if in passing (often with little or no analysis). Nevertheless, it is interesting to see what he notes. His notations concerning politics begin on 7/12/52 (he is sixteen), when he notes (also included in the “Television” section, above), “I love TV-—m that those darn conventions are over” (the Republican convention ended on 7/11/52). This is soon followed by “The dfl democrat convention is on this week” (7/20/52), followed the next day by “The dam convention’s still on” (7/22/52). Seemingly, he is upset that the convention broadcasts interrupt his other programs. Yet, on 7/23/52, he notes “The convention is really quite the thing. Laura [a relative] & I watched it. I couldn’t go to [the] show [i.e., the movie] & didn’t want to.” Later that fall, he mentions the election: “Well today [is the voting for the pres. of the US. I hope Stevenson but Dad hopes Eisenhower gets it. T.V. is really going all out for it. In the mom we’ll see who gets it” 115 (11/3/52).47 The next day, he indicates that “Eisenhower won the election by a landslide” (11/4/52) and in January, he writes, “I saw the Presidents Inaugation on T.V.” (1/20/53). Other entries related to politics include: “General Romulo is speaker at college tonite--l didn’t go” (3/19/56);48 “Conventions (Republican) are on” (8/20/56); “Election Day” (11/6/56); “Repub. convention on” (7/25/60); “Voted for lst time (Kennedy for Pres.). . . . Kennedy ahead but doubt he’ll win” (11/8/60); “voted . . . for Johnson [as well as for his state’s governor]” (1 1/3/64); “Johnson & [his choice for governor] won election” (11/4/64); and “Convention on--ugh!” (8/26/68). Clearly, he does not like the televised conventions, which is probably because he is not very political. However, he does note some significant events (including deaths) in his diary that have political and social implications, even if he does not explain them. Significant Events and Deaths Not Elsewhere Categorized Shaun records several events and deaths that had important implications for the times as well as for the future (and even, potentially, himself), though he does not provide many comments beyond the actual event itself. In their histories of the times, both Dunar and F arber comment on many of these events; instead of repeating all of their commentary (or that of other historians), I will record what Shaun writes in order to show the degree of his awareness of his cultural context. ’7 Note the date of this entry should really be 1 1/4/52. Recall that in the five-year diary, Shaun mixes up some of the dates (see footnote 39, page 91 ). ’8 The Biographical Directory of the United States Congress writes that Carlos Pena Romulo (1899 - 1985) was “a Resident Commissioner from the Commonwealth of the Philippines . . . and an author, editor, and publisher at Manila, Philippine Islands, 1922-1941 . . . prior to becoming an aide-de-camp to Gen. Douglas MacArthur . . . [and being] promoted to brigadier general in the Philippine Army in September 1944” (“Romulo”). Afterwards, his main positions included “Ambassador to the United States 1952-1953 and 1955-1962; . . . president of the United Nations General Assembly in 1949 and 1950, and of [the] United Nations Security Council in 1957; president. University of Philippines and concurrently secretary of education, 1962-1968; president, Philippine Academy of Arts and Science, 1962; and secretary of foreign affairs, 1969-1984” (“Romulo”). 116 Shaun writes, for example, when he is seventeen, “Joseph Stalin (Russian big shot) died today” (3/5/53). While that event had significant implications, Shaun does not mention it again, nor does he mention the Soviet Union in the next four years, even though the US. and the Soviet Union are engaged in the Cold War. His next mention of anything related to the Soviet Union is on 11/17/57, when he notes, “I haven’t even mentioned ‘Suptnik’--dog spaceship hovers. Old now.” Sputnik was launched on October, 4, 195 7, and it would have significant educational implications (such as the National Defense Education Act of 195 8, which Dunar explains emphasized science, math, and foreign language studies [285] and arose out of “the Cold War fear that the United States was falling behind the Soviet Union” [175]). Perhaps Shaun did not immediately feel these implications since he was already in college. In any case, he would next mention the Soviets on 1 1/26/5 8, when he notes (as a teacher) “After school a deligate from Russia (6 educators) for Cof hr. They were m businesslike & inquisitive!” This is followed by his notation on 10/24/62 that the “US. & Russia are meeting by ship at Cuba. This might certainly begin W.W. 111. God how that will upset things. God help us all!” Interestingly, he does not mention the results of the meetings, or anything else about the Cuban Missile Crisis. However, he does note some of his feelings about the event instead of simply listing it. Also, just prior to that, he mentioned “Col. Glenn made flite into space today!” (2/20/62), but he did not indicate he had made any connections between the space race and the Cold War, and he did not mention the Soviets again in the remainder of the period I read (1950 — 1971). Besides the space race and the Cold War, there were of course the Korean and Vietnam Wars, and somewhat surprising is Shaun’s lack of attention to either. He does not mention the Korean War (1950 — 1953) at all and makes few references to the 117 Vietnam War (1954 — 1975, but the United States’ military involvement is on a relatively small scale until its escalation in 1964). The first entry that relates to war in general is when Shaun is eighteen: “Dad went with me as I registered for the draft at Riverton City Hall” (12/10/53). He does not indicate his feelings about this, though. Three years later, he notes, “Then got classification papers from draft board & filled em out” (1/11/57), followed by “Dad & I went to Riverton 3:30 - 4:45. Talked to draft board. Wrote CTC [College Town College] for form 109 [for student deferment]” (8/22/57). His last two entries are: “Card from June & draft board!” (2/13/64; the exclamation point is his only hint at an opinion of some kind) and “Tom Keston [former student] (drafted--goes Tues)” (9/12/69). He occasionally will mention a friend or former student joining the army or navy, but he does not say anything else about it. For example: “To R. Lake. Saw Pete, Joe & Don. Bill W. gone (he’s quitting schl & joining navy [on 2/3/63, he clarifies it was the army])” (12/1/61). Once, he even hinted at joining himself: “For hardly any reason I find myself mad at Nate & Joe. . . . I am giving the idea of joining the navy-- Considerable thought but that’s all” (5/5/53). He does not join, and he does not mention it again, but he does take Reserve Officers’ Training Corps (ROTC) courses in college, which he dislikes: “Had my first ROTC Drill period. Boy what a hateful] project” (9/28/54) and “ROTC is a bore” (1/4/56). He earns D5 and C5 in it over the various semesters, and when he gets a C, he writes “Wow!” It is possible he references the Vietnam War in his diary after the period I read, but given his general lack of political activism or even interest, perhaps he does not. He does, however, mention other important events. As another example of important events he notes, Shaun makes several references to the Kennedy assassinations, beginning with John F. Kennedy’s, which took place in 118 Shaun’s fifth year of teaching: “Hm rm, S[tudy] Hall. Sr John Mary announced Pres Kennedy had been shot (later died) on T.V., radio all day! Ros[ary] at church--whole schl dismissed 2:50 early” (11/22/63); “Kennedy news assisenation on all day & nite this wk end. Tiring. . . . no schl at St. J. Mon.” (1 1/24/63); “J.F.K. buried today” (11/25/63); and “Had memorial program for J .F .K. [at school]” (11/23/66). The only clues about his feelings toward the assassination were his comments about the incessant news coverage. He is a bit more forthcoming with his opinion concerning Robert F. Kennedy’s assassination, when he writes: “Learned Sen. Kennedy had been shot 3 times. . . . Watched T.V. for hrs (color) to hear about the event. What’s the world coming to?” (6/5/68). The next day, he notes “Kennedy died” (6/6/68), but within a few more days, he has again, perhaps, tired of the coverage: “Kennedy assassination on T.V. all eve.” (6/9/68). He records other deaths as well. In addition to the Kennedy deaths, and as a last example of important events Shaun mentions in his diary, Shaun also notes the health and/or actions of some of the popes, which makes sense since he is Catholic and (as of 1961) teaching in a Catholic high school: “Pope Pius the 12th died today” (10/8/58); “Pope John the 23rd gravely ill!” (6/1/63); “Pope died this aft!” (6/3/63); and “Then m c1asses--we watched Pope Paul VI Visit U.S. & U.N. What a bore” (10/4/65). Again, not very much commentary, but these entries do provide a bit of contextual background related to his attitude toward religion; at the very least, he found them important enough to mention in his diary. Likewise, he also made other entries that illuminate the times. Other Signs of the Times Shaun made various other entries that help put him into the social and material context of the 1950s and 19605, such as entries related to fads and social concerns. 119 Relating to fads, Shaun notes: “Bought a corduroy Ivy league suit from Jesse at Pennys for 14$ (Check) Its Pea Green” (1/13/58); “[bought] pr of bell bottom pants 12$ or 50” (11/27/70); “Phone man here & put in red & green phones with push buttons” (6/24/71); “Then lite lunch--a space food stick” (9/19/69); and “In dance [class] . . . . Miss K. & l jitterbuged all over the place. I felt like a cow” (4/23/58). Also related to the dance class, Shaun indicates he got a “D” for the jitterbug, which he thinks is “impossible” and says he will talk to the teacher about it. He also notes in the same entry that he earned a “C” on the foxtrot and has begun the cha cha, which he terms “g3” (5/5/58). In terms of social concerns, he notes several, ranging from health to economics to drugs: “Betty Selby’s little girl died of Polio today” (10/15/52); “Gal against abortion [came and] . . . spoke to all rel[igion] classes” (4/7/71); “There is a gas war on. Now only 29¢ gal.” (2/7/58); “Stamps rise to 3¢ for post cards & 4¢ for letters Friday” (7/31/58); “Gas is 28¢ now” (4/9/60); “Gas now 30.9¢ a gal!” (2/2/62); “post stamps now 5¢ each” (1/8/63); “What will I do with this crap [he’s been buying some antique china, etc.] when the depression hits?” (8/6/71); “we smoked pot. (Nothing to it.)” (2/19/69); “[Taught] Religion [class; had a guest speaker--] State Trooper on LSD” (2/13/70); and “We had faculty meet on drugs till late” (3/12/71). Last, in addition to the health, economic, and drug concerns of the times, he makes a few social observations unique to where he lives. A good example of this is: “Taught 8:45 - 12:00. . . . (Opend of Pheasant season--all kids at schl--not like old days.)” (10/20/67). In the 1950s, he writes about skipping school to go hunting, and as a beginning teacher, he notes when hunting season begins and the resulting absence of half of his students. This observation is one of the few he makes relating to the social context of education. 120 Overall, the above entries are interesting in that they show what Shaun felt was important within the context of his own life during the 19505 and 19605 in terms of cultural events and the material culture. Whether they are related to movies, television, other innovations, politics, significant events, or other signs of the times, these comments, combined with the knowledge of his cultural background and the wider culture of the 19505 and 605, help one better understand Shaun, including his racial and socioeconomic identities. Of course, these particular identities are only part of Shaun’s overall social identity, the remainder of which—his relationships with his family, friends, and acquaintances—is the topic of chapter 5. 121 Chapter 5 Shaun’s Social Identity Formation Part 11: His Relationships with his Family, Friends, and Acquaintances In chapter 4, I analyzed the racial and socioeconomic parts of Shaun’s social identity formation, including the related cultural contexts within which he grew up; however, there are other important aspects of his social identity formation. As I discussed in chapter 3, the composing of identity—the literal invention of the self (or rather, selves)—is a social process. In other words, as Cushman points out, identity is all about social networks, or interrelations with others (44-46; see also chapter 1). While Shaun uses his diary to examine and wrestle with himself, he is forming his identities in relation to others. His diary contains many entries related to his relations with others, including his family and his fiiends and acquaintances, entries which help show important aspects of his social identity formation. Of course, Shaun’s social identity formation in relation to his family, friends, and acquaintances overlaps with the formation of his other identities, especially his sexual, religious, and academic identities, but for convenience, I have separated out my analysis of these identities into their own chapters (6 and 7), with a few relevant exceptions. In this chapter, I analyze his relationship with his family as one category of entries that helps define his social identity construction and his relationships with his friends and acquaintances as another. These two categories themselves overlap, as psychologists have shown. In fact, researchers in psychology have extensively studied the topic of familial relationships and social identity formation. For example, Kathryn A. Kems and Amy C. Stevens, who studied college students, found that “participants who felt closer to and able to depend on their mothers reported higher levels of social integration,” while 122 “[s]ubj ects who were closer to their fathers reported higher levels of social integration and quality in their interactions” (333). They also found that “[f] or men, father-child attachment, but not mother-child attachment, was related to personality. Men who were closer to their fathers were perceived by friends as less hostile and lower on ego undercontrol” (334). As I will show below, Shaun seems to reflect their findings (as someone not especially close to his parents, especially his father, and as someone with a rather large ego). F urtherrnore, Gay C. Arrnsden and Mark T. Greenberg, also studying college students, found that “perceived quality of both parent and peer attachments was significantly related to psychological well-being” (427). More specifically, they found that “adolescents classified as highly securely attached reported greater satisfaction with themselves, a higher likelihood of seeking social support, and less symptomatic response to stressful life events” (427). While there are undoubtedly other studies that complicate these research findings, Shaun seems to reflect these findings (as a non-highly securely attached person). While there is significantly more work in this area, an extensive review of this literature is beyond the scope of my dissertation. In this chapter, my purpose is to show how Shaun wrote himself into other important aspects of a social identity within his diary, beginning with his struggle for independence from his family and his subsequent realization of his family’s importance, and ending with his troubled identity with his friends and acquaintances. Social Identity Formation: Family That adolescents have struggles with their families, especially as they strive for independence, is so very well established in our cultural schema that it frequently appears as fodder for newspaper comic strips and television sitcoms. It is of course well discussed in the scholarly literature as well, particularly in psychology and sociology 123 (e.g., Kandel and Lesser; McDennott et al.; Montemayor and Hanson; Silverberg and Steinberg; Bulcroft, Carmody, and Bulcroft). That Shaun has such struggles is therefore not surprising. What is especially interesting in his situation is that he has recorded some of his struggles in his diary, and his entries provide insight into part of his social identity formation. However, not all entries that relate to his family are helpful in this way. For example, some of the entries are as simple as “[Aunt] Petunia got a telephone in” (3/29/50). While such an entry helps one better understand his family’s socioeconomic status as explained in chapter 4, it does not directly address his social identity formation.49 Many entries, though, do address it, as they show his adolescent struggles with his family, especially for independence, plus his emotional ambivalence about his family as he develops independence and self-reliance. His relationship with his family is somewhat—but not always—problematic while he is growing up and striving for this independence, especially with his father, but also with his mother, brother (though not with his other siblings), and other relatives. Shaun’s Relationship with his Father The earliest entry related to his relationship with his father is on 2/11/50 in pencil, with some later editing in pencil and pen (Shaun is fourteen): “I love [written heavily over ‘hate’] dad cause he is so good [written heavily over ‘mean’] to me. I guess Irn better off [with a penned second ‘f"] alive [written heavily over ‘dead’].” After this, there is something very heavily crossed out in pencil, and in pen in the same place (i.e., on top of the pencil) is written “But I really like him.” The editing is not dated, but it seems to be made with a pen that is different from any of the pens he uses elsewhere in the five- ” Statisticians Roshan L. Chaddha and Sharad S. Chitgopekar report that approximately 48% of continental US. households had telephones in 1950 (549). Shaun’s parents installed a phone in their house in 1958 (joining just over 60% of households with phones at that time [549]). 124 year volume; interestingly, there is very little editing in any of the other entries in this volume or in any other volume. Perhaps the pencil editing was done right after the entry was written, and the pen editing quite a bit later. Perhaps the editing was done in case someone (like his father) read the diary. In any case, the entry and subsequent editing show that Shaun struggled with this part of his social identity formation. This is not the only entry related to his father; Shaun’s father is the subject of the majority of the entries that relate to his family between 1950 and 1971, in both positive and negative ways. Shaun includes several entries that show his positive attitude toward his father, especially when he is given money or otherwise gets what he wants: “Well dad is gone [hunting] and I miss him” (11/15/50); “I asked Dad for 35¢ and He gave it right to me!” (5/14/51); “Dad says I can drive the car when I get a job next summer. I hope I can” (8/21/51); “My class ring will be here mon. Dad gave me $16.50 for it tonite” (12/14/51); “Lord but money’s scarce. Dads pretty good about it tho.” (5/15/53); “Dad, Bless him, got me 2 gal. of oil!” (4/29/56); “Got letter from Dad--They’ve deposited 50$ for me” (10/6/56); “Dad got 300$ for me from Credit Union--bless him. (Pay him back)” (9/12/57; he does pay him back); “Dad & I chat” (6/1/60); “T.V. & Dad & I talked car talk” (6/28/60); “Dad & I gabbed cars” (7/31/60); “Dad put up a 2nd oil burner [in Shaun’s grandmother’s house] & it’s less cold here now” (12/23/60); “Dad got me 50 gal fuel oil” (4/16/61); and “Dad & I nice chat” (6/16/61). Among these positive entries, Shaun includes several entries that show his negative attitude toward his father (a few of which were also relevant to the socioeconomic aspects of Shaun’s social identity and were quoted in chapter 4): “Didn’t go anywhere tonite cause dad wouldn’t let me. Hes so dfl grouchey” (9/5/51); “I tried dad to get me a nice coat I need. He wanted me to get a cheap one & I said to hell with 125 it” (1 1/3/51); “I wanted to see that show [movie] awful bad but dad is tighter than HELL!” (12/4/51); “I sure was broke, had to swipe cigarettes. Dad was kinda ugly” (12/9/51); “Today was Fathers Day & I got dad nothin” (6/14/52); “Dad beat me up today. Lord when I get out of here [his ellipses]” (3/1/53); “We planned on getting ‘my’ car all day. Dad started beefing about: Frank wanting to take it; insurance; I don’t need one; he’ll be sued for any accident; ect. I got so sick of it I wouldn’t get one. Just you wait!” (5/14/55); “I am still rather peeoed at father” (5/15/55; however, on 5/27/55, he notes “Dad got my car a gray ’47 2 door ford. $125---a very nice car [he had paid $50 to his dad earlier]”); “Dad & I haggled over coming school expenses” (9/17/56); “Dad threatens me with no money. Oh to be independent!” (9/9/57; see also below); “Ate with Dad & we had long talk (or argument)” (5/22/58); “Dad laid off from work now. (I work!)” (8/1/60); and “Chat with Gram & fight with Dad. He is so cheap & tight I cannot believe it!” (1/3/71). In fact, Shaun’s negative comments are more frequent than his positive comments. Shaun’s negative attitude toward his father is probably due in part to not always getting what he wants, as well as having been punished a lot for his behavior while growing up: “I didn’t get to see the show. I was invited to see TV at steve Shoops but dad wouldn’t let me go” (3/1/50); “I wanted to go to the show & see ‘Gun Crazy’ but I didn’t on accont of my bad behavior” (1/31/51); “I stayed home tonite of my own free will” (9/9/51); “I was bad, dishes fore 2 nites & no show tonite as punishment” (10/7/51); “I sneaked off the show told dad a lie I hated to really” (10/21/51); “I wanted to go to the bingo but didn’t behave so couldn’t, darn it!” (1/22/ 52); “Couldn’t go to the bingo because I didn’t behave, Darninit. I wanted to go!” (4/22/52); “I can’t go to the bingo tomorrow because of my bad behavior today” (8/10/52); and “I cant go to the bingo 126 tomorrow nite cause I didn’t behave” (9/11/52). As the psychologists I quoted in the introduction to this chapter note, a son’s relationship to his father can affect how the son relates socially with others; as I show below, this seems to be the case with Shaun. In other words, his relationship with his father seems to have affected part of his social identity formation. However, that Shaun takes responsibility for his own contributions to his occasionally rocky relationship with his father shows some maturity as he forms this part of his social identity. His relationship with his mother is also important to this identity, but it does not show a similar maturity. Shaun’s Relationship with his Mother In addition to commenting on his father, he also comments on his mother, and like with his father, his relationship with his mother is sometimes good and sometimes not: “I miss mom a lot [she’s on vacation visiting relatives]. I cook & do all the wor ” (7/1/51); “Mother came home tonite at about 8:00 [from a vacation]. . . . Was good to see ma” (10/6/53); “Morn gave me 2$ bless her for toilet articles for camp” (6/8/56); “Had cof. & emptied Moms wash water” (9/10/56); “Then packed suitcase to leave for College Town tomorrow. Morn My ironed my shirts so Iironed 7” (9/18/56); “Got letter from Mom--no money” (9/27/56); “I honestly believe that Mom will flip her cork if she doesn’t get hold of herself” (2/3/5 7); “Mom & I had a row” (9/17/57); “Mom is hard to get along with & m depressing” (4/2/58); “Mom & I had a big argument. She & I are incompatable. I shall pier stay here for my mental health” (4/4/58; indeed, he moves out in September, 195 8, but he still visits often); “Cof & then _I_ did my washing. (Mother’s habitual sickness is mental in nature)” (6/11/58); “Mom & I chatted. (She’s getting a m mellowl)” (11/8/58); “Home with laundry. Mom is ill mentally & serioiusly so God Help Her!” (8/14/60); “Pd 2$ Mom--laundry. She & I 1 hr chat (best in 127 ages)” (11/13/60); and “Mom & I chatted” (4/13/61). As with his father, many of Shaun’s entries related to his mother focus on how she can/should—but often does not— help him, but, unlike with his father, Shaun does not show any realization of his share of the responsibility for forming an effective relationship. As I mentioned above, some psychologists believe that a son’s relationship with his mother has less of an effect on social identity formation than does his relationship with his father, while other psychologists emphasize the importance of one’s relationship with both parents. Sometimes he addresses both parents in his entries, again showing his troubled relationship with them: “I’ve just about talked dad & mother into a brand new Smith Coreno portable typewriter-J hope I get it” (12/4/52); “either I get a typewriter for Xmas or I don’t want anything” (12/11/52); “The typewriter in Owosso is 75$--too much!” (12/12/52); “Gram & I sup & she announced Dad & Morn are getting a divorce. Not sure of my reaction. Dishes” (12/3/63); and “Mom phoned & all upset over divorce. I went over & suggested a priest & marr. counselor. God, what a dirty mess is divorce. Dishes” (12/6/63; they did not divorce). Clearly, besides being a bit self-centered, Shaun is not really close to either parent, a state that can result in lessened social integration and a problematic psychological state overall, again as the researchers I quoted in the introduction to this chapter assert, and as Shaun demonstrates, which I show later in this ' chapter and especially in chapter 6. In addition to his parents, however, Shaun also writes several entries that relate to his relationship with his other family members, entries which provide more insight into his overall social identity formation. Shaun’s Relationship with his Brother and other Siblings Besides his mother and father, Shaun also comments on his siblings, but mostly his younger brother, Frank. They do not seem to have the best of relationships: “I saw 128 Art G. at Shoops boy was it good. Frankie [12 or 50] went but he cant behave” (4/12/50); “I went for a long ride on the bike today. Frankie thinks he was it” 8/19/51; “Frank is getting Nettie [Shaun’s car that Frank wrecked on 8/21/55]. Honestly, Dad is an ass. Frank is incapable of driving! If he hits my new car fur will fly” (8/25/55); “Frank is an ass” (11/18/55); “I ate dinner [at home] & learned Frank has been expelled from school” (3/16/56); “Frank is possibly getting bk in school” (3/23/56); “Frank mad at Dad & enlisted in the Marines. (Ha!)” (8/12/56); “I got . . . [a] letter from Mom. (She didn’t mention Frank getting drunk & 5 days in jail for reck. driving)” (1 1/3/56); “I got a tire from Frankie last Sept. & left it here. Darn him he g4 it. I’m mad!!” (11/24/56); “Frankie smashed 5th car last nite” (1/26/5 7); “Frankie & Gail saw Priest. Marriage this week I guess. He owes for car, gets new job tomorrow. How will they make it?” (4/21/ 5 7; notice the rare note of concern for his brother’s well-being); "Frank wants car-- they [Frank & wife Gail] fought & Frank left. She called her folks & left him. A disgusting mess” (8/3/57); “Frank & Gail had a big fight. He threatened to shoot her. I’ll be single M” (2/3/58); “Frank & Gail have split up. Frank here for sup (Glen [their sister’s boyfriend] too) & staying at Grams. Moved out & been served papers” (2/4/58); “Frank & Gail had fite over phone again” (4/1/58); “Gail & I danced at Grams to a cpl of her records (Irn borrowing). . . . Frankie[’]s missing & feared in trouble” (5/22/58); “Frank wrecked his car” (7/28/59); “Frank & Gail may re-unite, pray so & ms)” (11/22/59; it does for awhile, but ultimately ends in divorce); “Phoned Linda [Frank’s second wife] earlier--F rank on several day drunk--he sure is a miserable wretch at times!” (1/22/68); “Frank & Linda are bk together again!” (4/26/70; Frank and Linda eventually divorce and he later marries a third time); and “Brother Frank in jail = Drunk Driving!” (12/30/71). Underlying many of these entries is. perhaps, an older brother’s love and 129 concern, but it rarely surfaces in the diary. As for the effect of his relationship with his brother on his social identity formation, Corinna Jenkins Tucker, Bonnie L. Barber, and Jacquelynne S. Eccles, researchers into family studies and social development from a psychological perspective, report that “little is known about late adolescent sibling relationships and siblings’ role in the identity formation process” (63), a process which they define as including the making of “important job, family, and educational plans” (64). They do state that “research indicates that older siblings are often more likely to influence younger siblings than to be influenced by them” (65) and conclude that relationships between siblings are important (67), but that “males are less likely to discuss feelings and issues with their siblings [and] . . . may be less likely to seek advice from a sibling” (74). I did not find any evidence in the diary of Shaun’s seeking his brother’s advice. Also, Willard W. Hartup and Comelis F. M. Van Lieshout, researchers into child development and psychology, report that there is some research which has found that “close ties to a sibling generally offset insecurity, anxiety, and internalizing problems in middle childhood, suggesting that the quality of sibling relationships may affect social withdrawal” (673). Based on the entries Shaun writes in his diary related to his brother, it is clear they had a strained relationship, but it is less clear what role this had in Shaun’s social identity formation (or in the formation of his other identities, though Shaun does express anxiety related to his sexual identity formation [see chapter 6]). That Shaun did experience a little social withdraw is also clear, as I explain below. Last, Tucker et al. explain that “it is not known . . . whether gender of the adolescent, birth order, and gender composition of the sibling [group] are important in adolescence” (65). While Shaun often mentions his brother, he rarely mentions his sisters. 130 Entries related to his sisters include: “Emptied Gram’s wash water & got Sheila at school” (9/11/56); “Got letter from Mom. I’m Uncle of 8 lb boy [by sister Karen]” (1 1/7/57); “Went to Karen’s grad 8 - 9:10 ok.” (5/21/58); “Karen goes on trip in AM & got her diamond ring fi'om Glen tOnite. . . . Karens l7 & Glen l8. Ugh!” (5/22/58); “Karen had 8# boy--illigitemate--didn’t bother her--I guess” (6/28/67; notice how Shaun did not mentioned “illegitimacy” in relation to Karen’s first baby); and “Sheila has diamond from Art Andrews” (4/26/70). Even though there are only a few entries related to his sisters, he still implies some concern for them, much like he does for some of his other relatives, and this concern sheds some light on how Shaun related to his family, an important part of his social identity formation. Shaun’s Relationship with his other Relatives Outside of his immediate family, Shaun often comments on other relatives, especially his grandmother, in positive, negative, and factual ways, particularly when he is living with her (late 1959-1966): “Gram & I watch T.V. nearly every nite around nine” (11/1/53); “She [Gram] looks quite bad! !” (1/2/56); “Went to Grams. She & I don’t get along much anymore. This aft. watched TV at Grams & then cleaned, dusted & mopped our hall. It needed it by gum” (9/17/56); “Gram & l chatted 9:30 - 11:00. A remarkable person” (5/1/58); “To Grarn’s. Had a gog_d argument” (6/10/58); “Gramma yea sick (in bed.) I fear the worst, God help her” (10/4/59); “Gram is very difficult to live with but where can I go?” (12/22/60; recall how hard it was for him to live with his parents); “Gram & I sup & rosary. She burned her hand badly” (4/13/61); “No food in the house. Gram has been eating very light! (She’d starve alone)” (6/11/61); “Gave Gram 20$ [&] 1$ card for her birthday--God love her!” (7/9/61); “Gram & I got dinner. I _aLn moving out!” (9/24/61; he does not move out permanently until 1966); “T.V. till 11:00 131 ‘Gunsmoke’--such noise I’m tempted to move out” (10/21/61); “Gram & l chatted all A.M. She’ll drive me nuts! Infantile!” (11/25/61); “[Gram] gets on my nerves at times-- God help me” (3/11/62); “Gram is ygy difficult to live withnmu_ch 50!” (4/12/62); “Did dishes, swept etc. I enjoy helping Gram” (9/20/62); “What a noisy madhouse this is here. Lord! Dog barking etc. Sometimes I get so upset with all the commotion!” (1 1/18/62); “Gram & I sup & fight over nothing. She’s Childish & God help me to be good to her” (3/5/63); “[packs for going north and to College Town for the summer;] Sony to leave poor old Gramma. God love her” (6/10/64); “Someone phoned (John C?) Poor Gram gets it all confused” (4/20/65); “Mom phoned. Gram another attack. God love her, I’ll be better to her!” (10/13/66; as with his father, this is another acknowledgment that he shares responsibility for the relationship); "To Burg to see Gram--gave her 30$ check to help her out--(God knows I need it, too!)” (3/17/68); and “Sunday morning has been a ritual—-always to see my dear Grandma. ISM can say I have not been mighty good to her” (3/21/71). Part of his being good to her is frequently giving her money. In fact, he is probably closest to his grandmother of all his relatives, though there are others he likes and about whom he also comments. His comments about his other relatives are mostly positive, but sometimes simply factual. Examples include: “[Uncle] Lanny got home around 10:30. . . . I sure like him” (9/21/51); “I sure like Lanny” (9/22/51); “I played [the piano] for Lanny, he said it was ‘Excellent’” (9/23/51); “Lanny & Michelle left at 2:00 this aftemoon I hated to see him go” (10/15/51); “I like Lanny” (6/15/52); “Lanny has one hell of a disposition” (6/18/52); “[Aunt] Laura went home today. Her & I sure are go_od friends” (7/24/52); “Today Gram. Culver (78) died of cancer next door at 6:55 AM. I’m So_rrvj’ (9/2/52); “They buried pour old gramma Culver today at 2:00 god Bless Her Soul. I didn’t go” (9/4/52); 132 “Uncle Paul O’Hare was killed in a wreck over by Groveland yesterday” (11/22/52); “[Cousin] Daisy & I have had a little tiff because of her lying” (12/7/52); “Daisy & I made up” (12/9/52); “I watched T.V. at Grams & talked with uncle Lanny till 1:00 AM. We watched Steve Allen & talked about women. He gave me some QI_CI magazines . . . . He’s quite a guy” (12/26/5 5); and “Petunia gave me some gas. Bless her--she’s a good Aunt!” (6/20/56). These positive relationships with his other relatives give him a bit of a support network, something important to overall social well being as several researchers assert (e.g., see House, Umberson, and Landis). Also, all of these entries, plus several that relate to his overall relationship with his family, help one better understand his social identity. Shaun’s Overall Relationship with his Family Together, these entries help form a picture of Shaun’s relationship with his family as he struggles for independence. Besides writing entries relating to particular relatives, however, Shaun is also rather explicit about his overall home life. For example, recall his entry related to a movie I discussed in chapter 3: “I saw the show ‘When I grow up’ with Bobby Driscoll one of the best shows I’ve ever seen!!! !!! !!” (2/14/52). As I explained in chapter 4, this movie is about a “neglected and misunderstood” boy who thinks of running away (When). Interestingly, Shaun also contemplates leaving home: “Boy Home life is tough” (6/28/52); “Boy Dad & Mom agrivate me!!!” (9/12/52); “Boy home is boreing--I’m thinking of getting out--its fight-fight!” (12/14/52); “I was kind of peeved this morning--maybe I’ll leave home!” (1/11/53); and “I’ve decided to ‘get out’ just as soon as I can. I don’t get along here to well” (4/19/53). Around this time, he includes a few entries related to a couple of his schoolmates who actually did ran away, which also shows his interest in the topic: “Julie Stills has run away from home & [her] brother shall 133 be sent away” (3/24/53; Shaun does not mention why the brother would have to leave, but he does report on 4/23/53 “Julie Stills is suspected of expecting”); “Lord what will happen to Julie stills?” (3/25/53); “They haven’t caught Julie Stills yet. She was last seen in Ohio” (3/26/53); “They haven’t found Julie Stills or Jane Steer yet” (4/1/53; Jane is another classmate who ran away, but Shaun is not clear if they went together); “They caught Julie Stills in North Carolina yesterday. No word of Jane Steer yet” (4/8/53); and “Ben Eagen - Julie Stills husband, is stranded in N. Mexico--car broke down. Funny whats happened since last year [when Julie was ‘caught’]” (4/8/54; he does not mention Ben before this). Despite his interest in the prospect, Shaun does not run away. He does eventually leave for college, however, and several entries in his diary from this time continue to illustrate the rocky state of his overall home life. In September of 1954, Shaun begins college, often returning home on weekends his first few years (until he gets a job that keeps him at college). However, when he returns home, not too much has changed: “Ate dinner. We had our usual rowe and I’m m); coming home for quite a spell” (12/23/56); “May I have a good summer away from home” (4/19/57); and “Arose about 9:00. Cof & a good fight with all” (12/28/57). This continues after he graduates and finds an apartment for a brief time, often returning home to visit. For example, after one such visit, he notes “Tension atmosphere of fights at home” (1/18/59). In late 1959, after a personal crisis, he moves in with his grandmother (see chapter 6 for an explanation of the crisis), and he again occasionally fights with his family. However, because of his personal crisis, he is beginning to feel the value of being with his family: “I’m faced with what to do this summer. I hate to leave & live alone at cottage & leave Gram but I don’t want to stay here in the heat & also want to escape” (5/22/60). In some ways, he wants to escape his family, as subsequent entries 134 show, but, as I will discuss in chapter 6, he also wishes to escape the circumstances of his personal crisis, circumstances which brought him at least physically closer to his family. In subsequent entries, he further notes: “What a fighting bunch at home” (6/3/60); “Gram & I invited Mom, Dad & Sheila for spaghetti supper--good! (5/8/61); “Home--big arguments going on” (7/6/61); “Dad & Sheila here [at the cottage]--Damn I never know when they are comin’” (7/28/61); “Gram & Dad boss T.V. & I can’t watch anything!” (12/2/64); and “Around here I can’t watch T.V. as I ever want. I’m poor relation & treated as such--damnit! I’d like a place of my own!” (4/14/65). Amidst these difficulties, and again as he does with his father (see above), Shaun also realizes the importance of his own attitude in forming an effective social identity within the context of his family overall: “Gram & I sup. (I’ve changed my terrible home disposition for the better!)” (9/6/62); and “Home 5:05. My acid tongue provoked Gramma. I ’11 try, with God’s help to improve!” (12/11/62). In an effort to improve his attitude, on 12/12/62, he begins a “days nice disposition” count [his term] in the top margin of each page of the diary, which he continues through 2/24/63. Many of the counts do not go higher than four, but there is one that goes as high as thirteen (1/12/63 — 1/24/63) and the last one reaches twenty-nine (2/24/63). On 2/25/63, he writes “The end!” in the place he had set aside for the count, but it is not clear if this means the end of the count or of his being nice. It is probably a mixture of both, as he sometimes reasserts his goal of being nice later in the diary (e.g., “Gram is so hard to live with: Senile, childish & petty, but I’ll try harder” [1/13/64]). Most importantly, among all of these entries—those dealing with his parents, siblings, and relatives, as well as those indicating some maturity in his relationship with his family—are a couple of epiphanies that show he is coming closer to forming a social I35 identity in terms of his family, an identity balancing independence and reliance. The first epiphany is when he is twenty and a 50phomore in college: “How nice to be independent & how time flys” (10/3/56). Even though he feels independent, he still notes “I fondly anticipate going home” (1 1/18/56). However, he sums up his feelings in his 1956 year- end memorandum, declaring “I’ve learned a lot this year. I can break away fiom 9’ Laingsburg and the family. The second epiphany comes in Shaun’s first year of teaching, when he writes “I may go home tomorrow. I just might although I know I shouldn’t. Need laundry & my family too. ‘Need it’ [i.e., sex]” (7/26/59). This shows that even though he has become independent (at least until he moves back home after his personal crisis, which I explain in chapter 6), he has also formed a social identity that includes his family, although his need for his family is listed with his need for clean clothes and sex. He further writes “Then to @ home” (1 0/25/59) and “Dad, Min & Susie here at 7:00 [cottage]. . . . Seems nice to have the folks” (7/22/61), both of which also show how he values his family (his underlining “Mom” may indicate his surprise at her visiting him at the cottage, given the rocky state of their relationship). Also, in his year-end entry for 1964, he includes the point, “My family is all alive & healthy” and a few years later, he notes “Phoned Home & chatted to Gram & Petunia (guess it will always be home)” (10/ 1 5/66). Through these entries in his diary—entries which show his struggles and victories—he has composed (formed) the familial aspects of his social identity, an “enduring, self-chosen commitment” signaling Marcia’s “achieved” identity status (2). The other aspects of his social identity, those related to his friends and acquaintances, are also problematic, as predicted by the psychologists I mentioned in the introduction to this chapter. 136 Social Identity Formation: Friends and Acquaintances Compared to those relating to his family, Shaun devotes significantly more entries in his diary to his fiiends and acquaintances, entries which illustrate the second category of his social identity formation (as I have categorized it in this dissertation). Most of these entries fall into two sub categories: his need to be liked and his appeals for, and self (re)assurances of, friendship.50 As in the case of the effects of familial relationships upon social identity formation, psychologists and educational policy researchers have extensively researched these areas as well, and Shaun’s need for friendships and to be liked is expected. In fact, Blake E. Ashforth (who researches business management) and Fred Mae] (who studies industrial psychology) point out, “social identification is a perception of oneness with a group of individuals” (20). Such a sense of belonging is important in several ways. For example, in an article published in Review of Educational Research, Karen F. Osterman discusses the importance of students feeling a sense of community in schools. She explains that such a feeling can influence how students behave and perform in school. More specifically, a student needs “to feel securely connected with others in the environment and to experience oneself as worthy of love and respect” (325). Osterman continues to explain that the literature shows how a person’s “sense of community” can affect “psychological development and the overall experience of well-being and healt ” (325), both inside and outside of school. For example, she cites a literature review by R. F. Baurneister and M. R. Leary, who studied more than three hundred works in their article, “The Need to Belong: Desire for Interpersonal so A few of the entries also relate to his appearance, his concern for which could also relate to his social identity formation (e.g., “I’m getting fat & trying to diet” [4/24/52]; Boy I’m gettin heavy-J broke a chair tonite when I fell on it” [6/30/52], and “We got our school pictures today. Mine looked nice! wow! I look nearly handsome” [9/23/52]). However, his appearance does not seem to interfere with his efforts to form a social identity, at least as evidenced in the diary; also, according to Bergman and Scott, such reporting is common with the adolescents they studied (184). 137 Attachments as a Fundamental Human Motivation” (Psychological Bulletin 117 [1995]: 497-529). Osterman explains that Baurneister and Leary found that “the need to belong is associated with differences in cognitive processes, emotional patterns, behavior, health, and well being” (327). They contend that “[b]eing accepted, included, or welcomed leads to positive emotions, such as happiness, elation, contentment, and calm, while being rejected, excluded, or ignored leads to often intense negative feelings of anxiety, depression, grief, jealousy and loneliness” (ctd. in Osterman 327). As I stated above, an in-depth review of this literature is beyond the scope of my dissertation; rather, in this section, I show how Shaun begins to write himself into a social identity with his friends and acquaintances within his diary, an identity that is occasionally troubled by his feelings of loneliness, jealousy, depression and anxiety, especially in combination with his forming his sexual identity (see chapter 6). As would be expected, his formation of a social identity is therefore quite complicated. Shaun’s entries show that he fits into many of these findings, especially Baurneister and Leary’s findings, both with his need to be liked and in his appeals for, and self (re)assurances of, fiiendship. First, Shaun’s need to be liked comes across occasionally in his diary, mainly when Shaun is in high school. This need is shown in entries indicating both his confidence and lack of confidence in being liked by others. Entries that indicate his confidence include: “I sit [sat] down at the Drugstore a long time with the Gatlin girls (they like me)” (10/10/50); “Dick said he liked me a lot” (1/7/52); “Everyone was cm over my butch haircut” (3/28/52); “Eiery body was talking about my dancing [at the school dance the evening before]” (5/5/ 52); “I got a new shirt-~Red & blue Jersey--its nice. I borrowed 2$ from Gram to get it” (11/7/52); “I just love my shirt. Even Gram likes it” (1 1/8/52); “Everyone loves my new shirt including me” (11/9/52); “I really was 138 popular tonite [in the school play]” (1/29/53); and “After my date the other nite I found out that many other girls would go out with me” (5/20/53). Other entries speak to how he lacks self confidence toward his being liked by others in school. For example, on 5/9/54, he writes “Tomorrow is skip day & I’m going to stay home. I don’t fit in with that crowd.” That he occasionally feels jealous comes across as well: “Joe & Julie Stills are good fiiends. I wish they weren’t!” (12/11/52); “Joe stayed & I bought he & I a cup of coffee. Julie Stills flirted with him ourageously” (3/3/53); “Dirk D. was supposed to come up we’d go to show. He didn’t come--he was there [at the show] with Mark Baylor dam his hide” (10/31/53); and “I hear Dirk & the kids went out with Jake & Laura Saturday nite--if that is so, watch out! I’ll be mad!” (12/12/53). All of these entries fit in with Baurneister and Leary’s findings, above. However, the diary entries related to Shaun’s social identity with his friends and acquaintances mostly constitute appeals for— and self (re)assurances of—friendship with particular individuals, both in high school and college. In his first years of high school, for example, Shaun writes of several such friendships, continuously updating their progress. Many of these fiiendships establish a pattern of a rapidly rising sense of attachment—nearly an obsession—on Shaun’s part, a pattern which is found throughout his diary. The first fiiendship he writes about is with a girl named Wilma Wendt: “Well there is a new cute girl in our Room from Louisiana. She sure speaks southern. Her name is Wilma Wendt” (4/24/50); “I sure like Wilma” (4/25/50); “boy I like that ‘southern gal’” (4/27/50); “I saw the show ‘Intruder of the dust’ it was odd but good.5 ' Wilma sit behind me. [S]he was mad at me yesterday for 5 ' Probably Intruder in the Dust. According to the Internet Movie Database, this film is about an African American man accused of killing a white man in Mississippi who is first refused help by a well-known lawyer, but then, because of the pleading of a boy the man once helped, he is represented by the lawyer. 139 telling Jake she smoked” (5/4/50); “Boy did we have fun in science with Wilma” (5/10/50); “Wilma Wendt really likes me. She told Daisy she did. I like her a lot. She is going to move Sunday” (5/12/50); “I talked to her [Wihna] on the street for about 3 hours. I cried because she is going. . . . Boy I love Wilma. I hope they come back. They’ll leave tomorrow or tonite” (5/13/50; on the end-of-diary memorandum page, he has an entry dated May 13, 1950: “I [‘love’ crossed out and ‘like’ written above] Wilma real well”); and “I made Wilma laugh. I no longer love sissy. There going to Ionia I think or saint Louis. I had my quarter for church. I sure miss Wilma” (5/14/50). For the next few weeks, he writes of missing Wilma and writing to her and receiving, or wanting to receive, her letters. Overall, his fiiendship with Wilma lasts about a month. Perhaps typical for young teenagers, he soon moves on to other friendships, ones that last a bit longer in some cases, but still not very long: “I sit behind dirk [at a movie]” (6/29/50); “I sflv dirk” (7/4/50); “I was good friends with Dirk Armand today” (7/8/50); “Dirk Armand & Frank & I had quite a few Cigs. . . . 1% Dirk” (10/4/50); “Im gettin EM friends with Deanne F.” (10/23/50); “D. F is good fiiends with me” (10/25/50); “I sure like school (& D.F.[)]” (11/1/50); “I sit with Dirk Armand [at a movie]. I had a ]o_t of fun” (11/2/50); “I let Deanne Foster wear my School sweater all morn I like her” (11/13/50); “Deanne Foster & I are good fiiends” (3/7/51); “Theres a new boy in the 9th grade name Nate Smith. I file; him from R lake. I knew him last summer” (12/5/51); “I talked a bit with Nate Smith” (12/6/51); “Nate & I are good fiiends. I sure like Him!” (12/12/51); “Nate hasnt been to school” (12/17/51); “Nate Smith was at school. Him & I talked a lot in the Drugstore” (12/18/51); “Nate said he liked me a lot” (1/7/52); and “Nate Smith moved to Leweston darn it!” (1/14/52). Up to this point, most of these fiiendships that have ended have done so because of forces beyond Shaun’s control (e.g., 140 the person moved). He soon meets Joseph Wright, however, who will become his best fiiend in high school, but who will also alter Shaun’s fiiendship pattern. Instead of having only a rapidly rising sense of attachment in his friendships, Shaun will eventually also have a rapidly falling sense of detachment, the speed of which mainly depends on whether the friendship becomes sexual, but also on how the person treats Shaun. In Joseph Wright’s case, this pattern will repeat itself over the next four years, and aspects of it highlight Shaun‘s social identity construction. After first mentioning Joseph on 9/10/52, Shaun’s obsession rapidly grows: “I got a picture of Joseph Wright--he’s cutel” 9/28/52; “Joseph & I are gonna skip soon” (9/30/52); “Joseph sure is s__ey. Wow! !” (10/5/52; note how he does not spell out ‘sexy,’ perhaps out of fear of someone seeing it, a fear which I discuss in chapter 6); “Joseph & I are sure good fiiends! !” (10/8/52); “Joe wasn’t here at school today” (10/9/52); “I saw Joseph today & was glad to see him” (10/20/52); “Joe & I are ggrg friends” (10/26/52); “Joe wasn’t at school today” (10/29/52); “Joe & I are yea good friends” ( 11/2/52); “I’ve found a 1g] pal in Joseph Wright” (1 1/4/52; the “real” part of his statement may relate to his use of “true,” which I explain below); “I guess ‘Joe’ & I wont get together tomorrow” (11/5/52); and “Joe had a cold so didn’t come to school” (1 1/9/52). However, he then indicates some trouble in the friendship, beginning the cycle of its waxing and waning: “Joe & I are drifting apart or are we?” (11/10/52); “Joe & I are getting together” (1 1/1 1/52); “Joe & I are gfll fiiends again” (11/12/52); “Joe & I are ye_ry good friends. . . . I wish I could see Joe more often” (11/13/52); “Joe wasn’t at school--so I skipped last hr.” (11/16/52); “Joe & I are my good friends” (1 1/17/52); “Joe & I are oo-la-la!” (11/24/52); “I miss Joe” 11/26/52; and “Joe & I are wonderful fiiends” (12/1/52). 141 He continues to see a lot of Joe, mentioning him several times that December, but notes “Joe & I are M drifting apart. Do I care? I don’t know” (1/5/53); yet, the next day, he writes “Joe & I are together again!” (1/6/53). This continues through January, when he has an epiphany: “I can’t go out to Joes Saturday because he’s going away with his uncle. The heck of it is we (Joe & I) are such good friends after what happened Saturday [lots of sex]. Life seems to look better-~somehow to me” (1/26/53). Shaun realizes the importance not only of fiiends, but of friends with whom he can relate on a homosexual level. As Shaun puts it, “Joe . . . . is my one & only _u'ie friend” (1/31/53), something he declares after again cycling through his pattern of fiiendship: “Well, its hard to really say so but I _tthk Joe & I are drifting apart--I don’t know” (1/27/53); “Joe wasn’t at school today. I missed him” (1/28/53); and “Joe & I are fig good fiiends again” (1/30/53). I explore the sexual identity implications of his “true friend” statement in chapter 6; in terms of this present chapter, the importance of this statement is that it highlights a major shift in Shaun’s social identity formation. From now on, the speed at which his friendships rise and fall seems to hinge upon whether the fiiendship becomes sexual, and if it does, on how responsive and devoted the other person remains (signaling a shifi in both his social and sexual identity formation, but one which he does not yet fully articulate in his entries). For example, Shaun declares that “Joe & I are two of the best friends that could be” (2/18/53), again because they have lots of sex as explained in the previous paragraph, but his fiiendship with Joe continues its cyclical nature: “I went out to J W’s-gm of the magic is wearing off” (3/7/53); “Joe & I m s_tifl wmderful frie_nds but the gmat affgtion g m sige has worn of’ (3/10/53); “Joe & I are wonderful fiiends” (3/16/53); “The magic about Joe is wearing off” (3/21/53); “Joe & I are really drifting apart” (3/24/53); “Joe & I are really 142 drifting apart” (3/25/53); “Joe & I are good friends again” (3/30/53); and “Joe & I are back together again” (4/5/53). He does not explain why they continue to drift apart and come back together, but I would argue that both Shaun’s and Joe’s sexual identity A formation has a lot to do with it, which I explain in chapter 6. Also, Shaun leaves for college and therefore does not get to see Joe as often. In college, Shaun continues to write about people he meets, reflecting—and sometimes explicitly stating—his need to be social in general. For example, “I got a roommate named Ralph. I don’t know whether I’ll like it or not” (9/10/54, the day he first goes to college); “There is a nice guy living on the second floor named Len. He comes up once in awhile” (9/18/54); “I ate dinner down town tonite with Ralph, Len, and the other guy from down stairs” (9/26/54); “Neil and I had fun at Grill tonite” (10/29/54); “Got a letter from Wilma. Why doesn’t more people write. . . . Donny Webster[,] Dave Knapp & I are good friends” (1 1/21/54); and “I met a guy named Gerry in Eng 14] and one named Buster in Speech 12]. So--there you are. I’m meeting people” (2/15/55). This last statement could imply awareness on Shaun’s part that he has difficulty meeting people (though he does not really seem to have difficulty), or perhaps it is in response to someone else having told him he needs to meet other people; neither situation, though, seems likely, based on my reading of the diary. Or it could be a response to having left his best fiiend, Joe, behind, and the realization that it is up to him to make new friends. Maybe it is because he is not close to his parents (and is therefore considered a non- highly securely attached person), as the psychologists I quoted above might assert (see p. 123). Whatever the case, many of his new fiiendships in college continue to reflect the pattern of rapid waxing and waning, a good example of which is his brief friendship with a classmate named Francis Cooper: “I sat with Francis Cooper in Eng 14] & ROTC 143 (2hr). We are fairly good friends” (2/24/55); “Francis Cooper & I sat together in Sociology (as usual). He’s a dam nice guy with a good looking gal!” (2/25/55; notice Shaun’s notation of the girlfriend); “Francis Cooper (Frank) and I had fun in Soc” (2/28/55; notice the name change); “Frankie & I sat together. We had a cup of coffee . . . --he pd for it. I sure like that guy!” (3/3/55; notice the increasingly familiar nickname use); “Sat by my ‘old buddy’ Frankie Cooper” (3/7/55; notice his use of “old,” even though it has been less than a month, reflecting the rapidity with which his fiiendships can form, but also perhaps reflecting his realization it is coming to an end); and “I think that the fiiend-ship between Frankie & I is disolving. I don’t know why either” (3/9/55; I would argue that it dissolved because there was no chance of it becoming sexual). Once again moving on, Shaun continues to note other people he meets: “Met 3 new guys downstairs. . . . I may have a roommate: Rob Walker. I hope so he’s a nice guy” (9/18/55); “Haven’t seen much of the guys downstairs” (9/19/55); and “I drove to the Grill. Kip rode with me He & the other guys seem so superior acting which I don’t like” (9/22/55; his comment about the others acting superior may reflect a lower sense of self-esteem). There are numerous other entries like these, but Shaun’s account of his fiiendship with Rob, his roommate during the first semester of his sophomore year, is perhaps the best example of the rapid waxing and waning of his fiiendships that characterizes this aspect of his social identity formation. In this case, the fiiendship lasts about three months. As I indicated in the previous paragraph, he met Rob on 9/18/55. Shaun immediately begins to record the rapid waxing of their friendship: “Rob came last nite & we saw a new movie ‘Mister Roberts’ with James Cagney at the Marquee. . . . Rob & I had supper at the Grill. . . . Rob & I saw ‘Davy Crockett’ at the Boardwalk Early show” 144 (9/19/55); supper and shopping with Rob (9/20/55); dinner with Rob (9/21/55); “Rob isn’t back yet” (9/25/55); “Rob & I hit it off very nicely” (9/26/55); “Rob read some of Bocaccio’s Decameron to me last nite ti] 12:30 this morn” (9/27/55; later, he played records with Rob); “Robert & I spent a hell of a lot of time on the car. . . . Rob & I had a cigar after sup” (9/28/55); and “Rob & I talked from 8 to 10:00 tonite” (9/29/55). In the “Memoranda” for September, Shaun writes, “I’m glad I got a roommate with whom I have a little in common.” What they have in common, though, is ultimately probably not want Shaun wants it to be (sexual, as I explain below). At this point, though, he is hopeful. In October, their relationship continues fairly smoothly at first, with Shaun continuing to record their joint activities, but increasingly showing some dissatisfaction with Rob’s lack of attention toward him: “Rob isn’t here yet” (10/2/55); “Rob & I are swamped with work” (10/3/55); “Rob & I saw ‘The Virgin Queen’ with Betty Davis 65¢ from 9:10 to 11:10” (10/4/55); “Rob & I had a steak ($1.15) supper at Gina’s Place about 5 miles out of town. I drove. We were both disappointed. . . . Rob and I are now going to total scores on some papers he is correcting for Prof. [somebody]” (10/6/55); and “Rob didn’t come [back to the room they share] till later this morn. . . . Rob & I saw ‘The Kentuckyan’ at Broadway 65¢ *ing [starring] Burt Lancaster in Cinemascope--fair” ( l O/ 10/ 55). Less than a month after they meet, however, the relationship begins to turn: “I arose at 8:45 & had a 9:00 breakfast at the Grill with Rob (31¢). . . . Robert & I got along nicely today but had a little tiff tonite over many things. An argument, well conducted” (10/11/55); “Rob wanted to go see ‘Ulysses’ tonite but I didn’t want to go--he did” (10/12/55); “Rob & I have been quite cool. I hope we can stay on close terms cause I like Rob a lot” (10/13/55); “Rob is a Dam good guy!” (10/14/55); “Rob isn’t back yet” 145 (10/16/55); “Rob & I are getting along O.K. He’s a good guy!. . . . Rob went out on another ‘fling’ I didn’t wanna go” (10/19/55; Shaun’s use of “fling” may imply some jealousy); “Pheasant season opened today. Rob went. . . . Rob & I are on good terms again” (10/20/55); “Rob came back later. . . . Rob & I saw an excellent movie ‘To Catch a Thief with Cary Grant--good. Ken, Lou & Jon sat in front of us. We sat in the balcony--as usual” (10/24/55); “Ate alone Rob hunted” (10/25/55); “Had meatloaf. Rob went hunting afterwards” (10/26/55); “Rob & I have really shot the breeze all day” (10/27/55); and “Rob & I ate at [a diner]” (10/31/55). The relationship becomes even rockier in November. In November, Shaun writes, “Ate break. at Grill with Rob at 9:00. . . . Rob went to Frat meeting tonite” (1 1/1/5 5); “I had meatloaf at the Grill alone. Rob didn’t go till later. Haven’t seen him since” (11/3/55); “I saw Rob for a few mins. But we didn’t talk at all” (1 1/4/55); “Rob wanted me to go to the show. We didn’t go. I feel I should do more studying” (11/8/55); “Rob went up home from 2:00 to tomorrow morn” (11/9/55); “Rob got ‘home’ this morn. . . . Rob & I were quite congenial tonite. . . . Rob & I saw ‘Kiss of Fire’ [starr]ing Jack Palance” (11/10/55); “Rob & I have got on marvelously well this week. He’s a good kid” (1 1/11/55); “Rob was here & we chatted for a brief time” (11/14/55); “Dear season opened today. Rob back tomorrow oh boy!” (1 1/1 5/5 5); “Rob came back & he got a ‘unicorn’ (a buck with one horn that weighed about 150 lb Dam good eh?[)] . . . . Rob & I . . . saw ‘To Hell & back’ [starr]ing Audie Murphay” (11/16/55); “I ate alone cause Rob’s wife & folks came down to go to a banquet” (11/17/55; this is the first mention of Rob’s wife);52 “Rob wanted me to go to the show” (1 1/22/55); “Rob & I saw ‘The Desperate Hours’ early show with H. Bogart. Good. 52 Apparently, Rob has returned to school while his wife remains at home. 146 (65¢) He gets one of his ‘no talk’ spells when we got home” (1 1/28/55); “Robs quiet spell has lasted all day. He is undoubtedly a schizophrenic. It is quite evident. . . . I ate hamburger steak alone at [a restaurant]. Piss on my roommate” (1 1/29/55); “Robert is persisting in his ‘mood’ and just let him persist. I really don’t give a dam! He did seem like a nice guy” (1 1/3 0/55). December’s entries concerning Rob are no better. In December, Shaun writes: “I saw Rob for about 5 mins & he ain’t talkin’ at all. Good for him. I’m not either. We are quite a pair I must say. . . . Robert leaves tomorrow” (12/1/55); “Rob’s gone didn’t see him” (12/2/55); “Now that Rob is gone I would like to start having company & fun! I’ll shop around” (12/6/55; the tightly spaced ellipses [... versus . . . or . . . .] are important and will be further discussed in chapter 6); and “Kip ate with me tonite. I had beans & bacon 75¢ at Grill. He came up for awhile tonite. He’s a good guy. I think he & I may be the only ones of the old bunch here next semester. Rob? 1 don’t think so, but I’m hopin” (12/ 14/ 55). There is nothing more about Rob in this volume except under the “Special Events” section at the end of the diary, which I first quoted in chapter 3 in relation to the technology of the diary (see p. 56). In this section, on September 17, he has written, “I found an association with a darn nice guy--Rob Walker. He is one guy I really like. I couldn’t have found a better room-mate! ! ! !” However, under this, on December 25, he writes, “I wonder” and draws an arrow up to it. What he appears to wonder is whether he could find a better roommate, one that perhaps shares all of his interests, especially sexually. Around this time (1956), Shaun has another significant shift in his social identity formation, a shift that also has significant sexual identity formation implications: He begins to emphasize how he needs to find friends that share his sexual identity, albeit without using the term “gay” (see the parts of the following example entries I italicized): 147 “I really wish that Chad [a housemate] were more like me. We’d have a ball!” (2/10/56); “Believe it or not Alice has a roomer in Chads room. His name is Dirk Jones from Lake Opal. He isn’t as nice as Chad but I think he & I have a few things in Common” (4/8/56); “Jake & I went to bed & talked to 12:30. I don’t know about him but I ’m hoping he’s as he sometimes appears. I thoroughly enjoyed the talking” (9/26/56); “Jake has been giving Bill rub downs & I believe they are a little bit ‘that ’ way. I should be able to tell but I sure can’t!” (1 1/17/56); and, as a New Year’s resolution, Shaun writes “To find a companable fiiend” (12/31/56). In 1957, he declares he “must find a ‘mutual’ pal” (1/15/57), significantly followed by “If m I can find gay companion” (2/16/57), his first use of the term “gay,” marking the last significant shift of his social identity formation as well as a significant shift in his sexual identity formation (his realization that he not only needs friends, but gay ones), the topic of the next chapter. With all of this, he shows how he has formed part of his social identity. In the case of his family, he forms an identity independent from them, as well as one that includes them. In the case of his friends and acquaintances, he recognizes the importance of meeting people who share his sexual orientation. Perhaps one of his most important epiphanies related to social identity, however, is his year-end entry for 1967: “Summary of the year: . . . . A good year all around--I enjoy Dutch--my ‘room mate’--getting to be old hat but doubt if I could ever go it alone again.” In this entry, he realizes that he is a “social” person—he needs to be around other people, signaling an “enduring, self-chosen commitment” and an “achieved” social identity (Marcia 2). This entry also is important to his sexual identity formation, which brings me to chapter 6. 148 Chapter 6 Shaun’s Sexual and Religious Identity Formation In chapter 5, as part of Shaun’s social identity formation, I explained how he goes through many struggles with his family, especially for independence, as well as how he also writes himself into a social identity with his friends and acquaintances within his diary, an identity that is occasionally troubled by his feelings of loneliness, jealousy, depression and anxiety. These feelings are also very relevant to his forming his sexual identity, the topic, along with his religious identity, of this chapter. Importantly, since some of the diary entries related to Shaun’s social identity also relate to his sexual identity, I could have discussed them in either chapter. I made my decision based on the “strength” of an entry’s sexual content. A particularly good example is his relationship with his college roommate, Rob, which was probably not sexual, because he would have mentioned it if it were, as there are several entries that chronicle his sexual relations with his male friends during the same period. Because Shaun’s relationship with Rob is not sexual and illustrates an important aspect of his social identity, I included it in chapter 5. Even so, sexual relationships often begin “socially,” but not all social relationships become sexual. In fact, one’s performed social identity does not necessarily include one’s sexual identity, at least in an intentionally outward way. However, it can, as Eliason contends. Because of this, she points out that some researchers have advocated for those studying sexual identity formation to closely study relationships, “since sexual identities only have meaning in the context of social or sexual relationships” (56). In fact, she contends that “potentially richer information could be gained by studying how people ‘act out’ (or ‘perform,’ [drawing on Judith Butler] . . .) their identities in relationships” (56). Many of my findings in general are based on the 149 diary entries that relate to Shaun’s relationships, and I found it sometimes hard to separate them into different chapters. For example, several characteristics of his social relationships carry over into his sexual relationships such as his lightening-quick intensity in forming relationships and his habit of hastily declaring a friendship over if the person does not treat him in a certain way. However, unless they were also sexual, I included most of my analysis of these, too, in chapter 5; one important exception is Shaun’s high school relationship with his fiiend Joe, which I included in both chapters. Furthermore, becauSe the “sexual” entries are sometimes accompanied by statements of anguish and his social relationships are usually not, the degree of sexual content seemed like an effective way to separate them. It is this sense of anguish in many of the diary entries related to Shaun’s sexual identity formation that is particularly important to the present chapter, especially in light of the social and religious contexts of the times. Shaun goes through many struggles with his sexuality in his teens and twenties as he attempts “partial assimilation” in a way that historian Emma Pe’rez calls “an interstitial move for survival” (81) and defines as constructing “an identity for survival” (92). His situation is intensified by feelings of anguish resulting from his sexual behavior within the context of his religious identity and the negative social attitudes toward homosexuality, feelings which could have potentially threatened his survival, especially as evidenced by his entry on 10/21/59 (discussed below): “8:00 mass & a Holy Comm. . . . Prayed all morn as well. Daily rosary. Felt almost on brink of insanity. . . . Thought of running away or suicide.”53 Because he 5’ Several studies have looked into the relationship between suicide and sexual orientation. In a 1999 review article in the Journal of the American Medial Association, Gary Remafedi notes that such research dates back to at least 1972, but was especially instigated by a 1989 US. government report that noted “gay youth are 2 to 3 times more likely to attempt suicide than other young people” (1291). He notes that several researchers questioned this finding based on “biased samples” and conducted their own studies, ten 150 often deals with his anguish over his sexual identity in religious ways, I chose to explore how he composes his sexual and religious identities together in this chapter. Shaun’s Religious Identity Formation Reading Shaun’s diary, I could easily see that he was very religious and that this had an impact on his overall identity formation, but especially his sexual identity. Regarding religion and identity in general, Joseph A. Erickson, a researcher in educational psychology, declares that “the literature indicates that religion has important and pervasive impacts on adolescents and their development” (131). Included in this literature is Erik Erikson’s emphasis on “the importance of religion to identity formation” in general, as Fulton points out (2). Fulton reviews some of the more recent literature related to this topic. For example, one of the studies Fulton reviews relates to a person’s church attendance and what it means to religious identity formation. According to Fulton, researchers C. Markstrom-Adams et al. “found [in 1994] that frequent church attendance was correlated with interpersonal foreclosure [i.e., a particular level of identity formation]” (2). Even though Fulton declares that such studies—while “reliable and interesting”——are still preliminary, and that even though “the psychology of religion literature has long established that, given the complexity of religion as a psychological variable of interest, simple measures like church attendance or denominational affiliation of which “found consistently high rates of [suicide] attempts among homosexual youths” (1291). However, more recent researchers, Remafedi notes, again charging that samples were potentially biased or that control groups were absent, used “controlled, population-based surveys” in six studies, all finding “higher rates of attempted suicide among homosexual youths compared to their heterosexual peers” (1291). One of these studies was his own, which I also consulted. Remafedi et al. found in 1998 that the odds of bisexual/homosexual males attempting suicide were more than seven times higher than for heterosexual males (58). However, they do not attribute this risk only to homosexuality, but instead point out that other studies discuss additional, related risk factors such as “family dysfunction, interpersonal conflict regarding sexual orientation, and nondisclosure of sexual orientation to others” (59). Nevertheless, they conclude that “there is evidence of a strong association between suicide risk and bisexuality or homosexuality in males” (57). In his review article, Remafedi notes that more research needs to be done to determine “a unifying explanation for the prevalence of suicidality among homosexual youths” (1291). 151 are inadequate” (3), Markstrom-Adams et al.’s finding can still be useful in understanding Shaun’s religious identity. Recall that in chapter 2, I concluded Shaun was in a modified “Foreclosed” status regarding his religious identity within Marcia’s “identity status paradigm,” a paradigm marking identity formation which Fulton explains (I; see chapter 2). In the foreclosed status, people “have not explored [alternatives], but have made a commitment, usually to identity alternatives offered by authority figures” (Fulton 1-2). In Shaun’s case, this commitment was to the Catholic Church, which is understandable since his family was Catholic and he often talked with Catholic priests. Also, he did not write of any explorations of other denominations. In fact, he even considered becoming a priest in 1962: “The finger of God Beckons me” (3/1/62) and “To [teach] Catechism 7:30 - 8:10. Fr Auble & I chat after (I may be priest!)” (1 1/12/62). While he did not become a priest, Shaun nearly always attended mass, sometimes more than once a day, especially from the late 19505 through 1971, the end of the period I read, and his religious beliefs significantly affected his sexual identity formation, the achievement of which, in turn, required Shaun to modify his beliefs slightly to accommodate this acceptance, as I will explain below. On the topic of religious beliefs in general, Farber points out that “in 1961 most Americans truly wanted to believe John F. Kennedy when he told them that they were the ones destined to carry out God’s work on earth” (34). Whether or not Shaun was religiously inspired by President Kennedy (he does not say), his being highly religious is very clear in the parts of his diary I have read. For example, in his March 1960 memorandum, he writes: God has been great & His presence I feel everywhere. May I always daily mass & rosary my way through life, calling on him daily even when all is 152 going smoothly. . . . The secret of happiness is to believe in God, keep busy & fear nothing. I hope I can attain inner peace as well as outer! Blessed be the name of Jesus! At this time, he is very distressed‘and unhappy, feelings which result not only from a growing set of conflicts brought on by his homosexuality in general, but by a major crisis in his life that greatly affects the progress of his sexual identity formation. He turns even more to religion for help, and by doing so, he demonstrates that he uses religion more as “a means to some other end” as Fulton points out some people do, rather than “pursuing [religion] as an end in itself” (3). Shaun wants religion to take away his pain, but he also often prays to God for money or other needs as I explained in chapter 4. However he uses it, Shaun has always been religious as far as I can tell fiom his diary entries; early on in his diary, when he is sixteen, he notes “I go to church every morn 7:45 till 8: 1 5” (3/4/52). In these early years, though, he does not always mention going to mass like he I does in most of the later years I read; indeed, he makes statements indicating that he sometimes does not, such as “I went to mass today as I do as often as the mood strikes me” (4/13/53). But sometimes he reinforces his will and his religious identity, such as on 10/5/52: “I went to 7:45 mass this morn--I think I’ll make that a habit” and 3/6/53: “Naturally I have been to mass every day this week.” Sometimes he will note he misses it for some reason (like oversleeping on 1/20/57). And sometimes he goes more than once per day, and occasionally his recording of this fact hints at something important related to his religious identity: “I went to Church tonite and this morning. Father Marlin gave a sermon tonite on faith that really hit home” (2/22/53). Shaun does not explain what was said or why the sermon hit home; as I will explore below, it could be because of his sexual identity issues, as his sexual identity conflicts with his religious 153 identity, though not always explicitly. For example, he occasionally expresses religious conflicts: “Went to Cat[echism]. I enjoyed it--l only hope to God I can regain what faith I’ve lost” (11/18/52). He does not provide an explanation, but as above, it could be related to his sexual identity issues. Later on in his diary, he will be much more explicit: “Oh God, help me to be a good Catholic. Show me what you want me to do & I’ll do it. I’m so mixed up & nuts!” (12/15/63) and “Bed 10:40. . . . Bored, alone & gay--Jesus help me!” (12/24/63). That Shaun is feeling “mixed up” is understandable; Fulton points out that “most American conservative Christian churches . . . endors[e] . . . negative attitudes toward homosexuals” (4), and Catholicism is no exception. In fact, the entire religious context of the 19505 probably exerted enormous pressure on Shaun to conform, especially in sexual ways (the effects of which I explore below).54 Various researchers make several important points about religion in the 19505 and 19605 that help to understand Shaun’s identity construction in context. For example, religious studies scholars Wade Clark Roof and William McKinney note that Will Herzberg, writing in 1955 (in his book, Protestant -— Catholic — Jew), contends that “not to be a Protestant, a Catholic, or a Jew is somehow not to be an American” (14). Furthermore, Roof and McKinney point out Herzberg’s assertion that “the three great religious communities were the primary sources of individual and social identity in the 5” Dunar highlights the importance of conformity in the fifties, exemplified by the developments of suburbia and mass consumerism, though interestingly somewhat countered by various icons of nonconforrnity, including James Dean, the beatniks, and Elvis Presley (2; Shaun mentions all three in his diary). Dunar discusses David Riesman’s 1950 study “of the American character” (189), which discussed how Americans of the time “respond[ed] to conformist pressures from contemporary influences, including friends, acquaintances, and the mass media” (ctd. in Dunar 190). Part of this pressure was to marry, since, as Dunar points out, “not only were women more likely to marry than their mothers had been; they also married younger and were more likely to have children. Moreover, they had their first child earlier, and they had more children” (174-75). Related to this, John Bancroft, former director of The Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction at Indiana University, once explained in a lecture that one “had God’s permission to be sexual if. . . married” and that procreation “was the principal justification for sex” in the 19505. That Shaun felt these pressures, especially to conform to heterosexual “norms,” is clear from his diary entries, as I discuss in the next section. 154 1950s” (14). They indicate that all but three percent of the population expressed one of those religious identities in 1952 (25% were Catholic) (16), and that at the time, “church membership statistics were up [and] interest in morality and religion seemed high” (13). In fact, Dunar points out that “in the fifties, church membership and the proportion of Americans claiming religious affiliation reached the highest levels they would achieve in the century” (18]).55 Dunar explains that some sociologists attribute these increases to people “yearning more for attachment, for the security of belonging to a group, than for religion as such” (182); certainly, as I explained in relation to his social identity formation in chapter 5, Shaun had a strong need for affiliation, and this is another place in which his identity formation could have overlapped. Also interesting in terms of Shaun’s religious identity formation and its overall context, Roof and McKinney argue that religious attitudes began to shift in the 19605, particularly for young people in the United States for whom “it was a turbulent and at times traumatic period” during which “the culture was deeply shaken—with repercussions felt in the mores and ethos, in life-styles and world views, and even at the profoundest ethical and spiritual levels” (11). They note that people went less to church as the decade wore on, as more and more people believed religion’s influence was declining (13).56 Part of this is true for Shaun, and part of it is not. For example, he continued to attend church regularly, which probably both contributed to—and resulted from—the growing set of conflicts brought on by his homosexuality, which was becoming increasingly difficult for him to suppress, as his entries show (illustrated 55 Interestingly, Dunar also points out that “Congress added the phrase ‘under God’ to the Pledge of Allegiance” in 1954, and in 1956, they “established the phrase ‘In God We Trust’ as the national motto; introduced earlier on some coins, it appeared on all US. coins and currency thereafter” (186). 5’ Religion’s decline in influence can be seen in the 1962 prohibition of prayer in public schools (Farber 63). 155 below). In other words, his situation may have become a sort of Catch-22 for awhile, in that the more anguish he felt, the more he turned to religion, but the more he turned to religion, the more anguish he felt. Importantly, however, his religious identity shifted in 1966, a shift possibly brought on by the decline in religion’s overall influence, but more likely caused by changes in Catholicism in the 19605. Ironically, these changes also conflicted in other ways with his religious identity. He was not alone; as Gleason points out, “American Catholics fairly luxuriated in [identity problems]” during this time (913). As part of his religious identity problems, Shaun occasionally pointed out changes within the American Catholic church with which he disagreed. For example, on 8/29/67, on a visit to a church while on vacation, he writes: “7:45 mass & ros--I left early, new progressive priest & don’t like all these new ideas.” Similarly, on 10/15/67, he “went to 9:45 mass (a beatnik, guitar mass),” and while he does not explicitly express an opinion on the mass, given the other comments he makes elsewhere, he probably did not like it: “Priest began facing congregation today & also used Eng.! Don’t like these changes!” (11/30/64); “all the nuns there with new veils --hair showingudon’t like it” (3/23/68); and “Fr Hart leaves next wk [from church], & I for one, am glad. He never fit in & too modern etc.” (10/30/70). However, he is not opposed to all of the changes, especially those related to priests who were more open to differences in sexual orientation, and it is within these related diary entries that Shaun shows a shift in his religious identity to accommodate his growing acceptance of his sexual identity, as I will demonstrate below. In the following section, I will highlight the pressures on Shaun’s sexual identity because of his religious identity, and show how a significant lessening of the religious content in his-entries, combined with his changing a certain record-keeping practice, signals an acceptance of his sexual identity (though not at the expense of his religious 156 identity, which remains Catholic throughout his life, although perhaps not as fervently as when he was younger, at least according to the person who inherited Shaun’s diaries). First, however, in light of the above-mentioned religious context, as well as the last diary entry I quoted above, Shaun’s thinking that anyone, let alone God, might be displeased with his being gay would be understandable, especially also given the social context of homosexuality in general during the times. In terms of this social context, Farber explains that society was certain “that homosexuality was, in the words of a brutal 1966 Time magazine article, ‘a pathetic little second-rate substitution for reality . . . a pernicious sickness’” (260). Activists worked towards changing attitudes of homosexuals (to have pride in their sexuality) as well as politicians and the public, and by 1973, they convinced the American Psychological Association to rescind its classification of homosexuality as a “mental disorder” (260). Even so, F arber reports that “the gay rights struggle was the most controversial civil rights or liberation movement to emerge out of the 19605” (261). Farber attributes much of the instigation for the movement to the 1969 Stonewall Riots, but historian Martin Meeker points out that the instigation for the movement can actually be traced back to “the founding of the Mattachine Society in 1951 as the nation’s ‘first’ gay rights organization” (78), as well as to Stonewall.57 The gay rights movement is of course also related to the sexual revolution, in which, as F arber points out, “a great many white middle-class college students began to reject the sexual conventions on which they had been raised . . . . [speaking] out publicly against the often hypocritical social norms and ”Farber acknowledges that various “semi-secret, reforrn-minded homosexual rights and discussion groups had begun forming soon after World War II” (259), but contends that it took the police’s raid on the Stonewall Inn (a gay bar in New York City) to symbolically bring such discussions in the open (259). Like Meeker, Dunar also traces the movement to the 19505. with the founding of Mattachine and Daughters of Bilitis (1955), pointing out that “severe sanctions against homosexuality kept the public expressions of the [former] movement to a low murmur” and that both movements were under FBI surveillance (202). 157 college rules that attempted to keep sex hidden, illicit, and ‘dirty’[;] . . . . They wanted to be open about the fact that they were having sex” (183). This growing social attitude towards sexual openness, at least among young people, may have had an affect on Shaun’s sexual and religious identity construction, even though by then he was out of college, but he does not reference it in his diary. He does, however, as I mentioned above and will explain below, seem to come to an acceptance of his sexual identity in 1967, which is perhaps not coincidental, and interestingly, while Shaun was not open publicly about having sex, especially gay sex, he was quite open about it in his diary, though he did slightly code his entries, as I explained in chapter 3 and further explain below. An important value of his diary in general is that these entries sometimes include his related feelings, especially as encouraged by the technology of the diary (e.g., the memoranda, as I explained in chapter 3), all of which serves to externalize his identity formation. Also of interest in terms of the sexual revolution, especially in how it may or may not have influenced Shaun’s identity formation, Farber explains that among the roots for its 19605/705 explosion was the publishing of Alfred Kinsey’s Sexual Behavior of the Human Male in 1948 and Sexual Behavior of the Human Female in 1953, as well as the beginning of Playboy in 1953 (187-88). On 12/7/56, Shaun mentions getting Kinsey’s Male book from the library, and on 7/28/65, he mentions buying a Playboy for 75¢, but he does not record his reactions to them in his diary. In fact, Shaun addresses none of the sexual revolution in his diary and very little of the gay rights movement, never mentioning Stonewall, but mentioning that he had written the Mattachine Society: “heard from gay Mattachine Soc, Rm 304, 1133 Broadway, NY. NY. May join” (1/17/64). He does not later indicate whether he did join, but I suspect not, since he did not mention it. Instead, what he does discuss at great length in his diary is his trouble 158 forming a sexual identity, something quite understandable given his religious identity and the religious and social contexts of the times. Shaun’s Sexual Identity Formation Shaun’s sexual identity formation is very rocky, causing him much anguish, which is not surprising given his religious identity and the social context of the times, as I explained above. Even now, according to Susan R. McCarn and Ruth E. Fassinger, researchers in counseling and teacher education, “most lesbians and gay men still grow up within a context of pervasive environmental and internalizedihomophobia and expectation to be heterosexual” (508). Not only that, but as sexual identity researchers Margaret Rosario et al. contend, the majority of homosexuals do not grow up “in a community of similar others from whom they learn about their identity and who reinforce and support that identity” (46). Rosario et al. conclude that sexual identity formation is therefore “a complex and often difficult process” (46). McCarn and F assinger also point out this difficulty, concluding the aforementioned situation “fosters a specific struggle with identity awareness, acceptance, and affirmation, a process known as coming out to self and others” (508). For Shaun, this struggle was intense, as I illustrate below, but he does end up forming a sexual identity that allows him to live free of anguish, though not totally fi'ee of worry of discovery, especially by his students. First, though, it is important to understand that how gay, lesbian, and bisexual people form their sexual identities is very controversial within the literature, as Eliason points out (31). Eliason provides a helpful overview of this literature, explaining that researchers have “had a veritable obsession with defining sexualities” over the last century (34). She explains that while researchers in the first fifty years were focused on determining what caused “‘deviant’ sexualities,” those in the last fifty have emphasized “defining 159 ‘identities,’ or describing how and why an individual adopts a ‘deviant’ sexual identity” (34). Out of this research, she further explains, emerged various identity models within sociology and psychology, especially post Stonewall (34). She reviews eleven such models, some of which define steps of development. She declares that while the theories behind these models provide important “insights” into homosexual identity construction, they have limitations such as not considering “other aspects of identity and the ways by which race, ethnicity, gender, class, age and other important components of living may intersect with sexuality” (52). For example, she explains that “nearly every study on sexual identity has reported difficulty in recruiting people of color, people of the working class, or people with other diverse identities to participate” (53). Also, she finds, those models that rely on stages tend to be too “linear with a well-defined beginning and end point” and therefore are “too simplistic,” especially since identity may not be static once achieved (54), a viewpoint I also pointed out in chapter 1. Rosario et al. also comment on this linearity, finding that while such studies “support an overall linear trend from sexual attractions to sexual activity to self-identification as L[esbian ] G[ay ] or B[isexual] at the group level, they also highlight considerable variability at the individual level” (47). Therefore, while I could relate particular diary entries to particular stages of identity development as defined within these various theories, what seems more valuable is relating Shaun’s entries to what “sexual identity” means overall, which Eliason also explores. She highlights the work of Vivienne Cass, an often-cited researcher into homosexual identity. Cass defines sexual identity as consisting “of self-images about sexual behaviors, attitudes, and feelings about sexuality” (ctd. in Eliason 35 ). This definition does relate to the types of stages most theories define, especially those stages that involve “a period of sexual questioning, experimentation, and conflict,” as Rosario et 160 al. put it (47), stages which Shaun certainly goes through. However, because it focuses on the individual, this definition is also particularly helpful in understanding Shaun, who fights two battles within himself as he forms his sexual identity: one of personal acceptance and one of secrecy. As I will show below, the first battle is more successful than the second, but the second mitigates the success of the first. The Battles for Personal Acceptance and Secrecy Shaun’s battle with personally accepting his sexual identity lasted at least seventeen years, from 1950 through 1966. Of course, it could have started before 1950, the year he began his diary. Parts of his battle for secrecy lasted well beyond the period of the diary I read, as I will explain below. Out of convenience, as with my analysis of Shaun’s socioeconomic identity in chapter 4, I chose to break down Shaun’s battles for personal acceptance and secrecy within his sexual identity formation into three main periods: pre-college, college, and post-college, especially as each of these periods involves significant life changes in general. In each of these periods, Shaun expresses difficulties with his sexual identity, especially within the context of his homosexual relationships and his religious identity, but to different degrees. It is within the final period, when he partially loses his battle for secrecy, that he will win his battle for personal acceptance and accept his sexual identity, but only after much anguish. Shaun’s Pre-College Sexual Identity Formation The very first entries related to Shaun’s sexual identity formation do not show any awareness of a personal battle, religiously influenced or otherwise (Shaun is fourteen); rather, they show a possible connection to homosexual activity, beginning with his very first entry, at the end of which he writes: “Greg is at gramas” (1/1/50; Greg is an older cousin of Shaun’s, at least old enough to have a car and a new job as of 5/9/50). This 161 statement appears insignificant, but subsequent entries involving Greg point to a possible sexual relationship of some kind. Initially, though, he continues to write about Greg’s whereabouts and actions: “Greg is still at grams” (1/10/50); “Greg is still here” (1/15/50); “Greg is still here at [Aunt] Petunias” (1/17/50); “Greg just came down again” (2/1/50); “Greg is still at Grams” (3/14/50); and “Greg and I traded rings for the weekend” (5/7/50). Related to this last entry, he also notes on 10/12/50, “I borrowed gregs shirt & he borrowed my ring” and on 10/15/50, “Greg has still got my EM ring & I have his shirt.” Besides showing a slight obsession with Greg, these statements do not mean very much until he writes “I went swimming twice at R. Lake. Once with Greg but I didn’t see [-]” (6/14/50). Importantly, what he did not see is heavily penciled out. It is not necessarily sexual, but read in the context of four other entries in particular, it could be: 1) “Well I had fun with Steve” (3/20/50; at the top of this entry, he writes “SS and I [backwards-looking capital ‘E’] in the toilet”); 2) “I hich hiked to ross lake & had fun & went with Bob Willard. We J.O* (His is a big one[)]” (7/22/51; “big one” is penciled out but can still be read; the asterisk is undefined); 3) “after a swim at the lake Bill Wicker & I [heavily blacked out]. fun” (6/18/51); and 4) “Joe & I went to the hogsback [a small cottage] & I saw ‘i_t.’ I lifi it. It sure looks like mine!” (10/30/52). A sexual meaning is also possible in light of “Greg sure is Dirty” (9/24/50) and “Greg & l have quite a lot of heated discussions in the barn. What fun he’s got S.A.” (4/24/51). What the heated discussions really involve (and what “S.A.” means) is impossible to say for sure, but Shaun does use “SA.” a second time: “Theres a new boy in the 9th grade name Nate Smith. I like him from R lake. I knew him last summer Hes got S. A.” (12/5/51). Also, Shaun uses the adjective “dirty” again on 9/15/52 in relation to the aforementioned Joe, the person who becomes Shaun’s best fiiend and sexual playmate until a few years into 162 college: “Boy that Joseph Wright is Dirty!” He also uses its antonym in relation to a book on 2/27/55: “started ‘Divine Mistress’ I wonder if it’s a clean book. So far it is.” Few other entries hint at any sexual relationship with Greg; in fact, Shaun writes “Michelle & Sue (Gregs fiancee) came down!” on 3/10/52. However, Greg’s pending wedding does not preclude the possibility of his having had some sort of sexual relationship with Shaun. And Shaun indicates a possible further clue by stating “I like Sue [Greg’s fiancee] better than I thought I would” (4/15/52); his preliminary inclination towards disliking Sue makes sense if he had a crush (at the very least) on Greg. Ultimately, “Greg gets married tomorrow to Sue Hunt” (6/19/52), and Shaun moves on to other crushes and potential sexual partners. Two aspects of how Shaun reports these various events in his diary are especially important to understanding Shaun’s struggle with his sexual identity formation in this period. The first important aspect is that some of the above examples show how Shaun, in reporting the events, uses various forms of what could be considered “private language” such as disguising possible sexual encounters with a backwards ‘E’ or by using the word “fun” in certain contexts, often underlined or in quotes, and especially as contrasted with “clean fun” (6/22/51): “Oh Joe! will we have ‘fun’ this summer” (1/19/53). Other examples of private language during this period include using a hint such as “Joe & I are going to do something--you know what” (10/21/52) and “Stevies down for a week boy Id like to you know with him” (7/7/52); using an underlined space (e.g., “Stevies down but we don’t ever _” 8/2/52); or using more obvious abbreviations like he did above (e.g., “Boy I would love to J .O. with Mark” [6/25/52]). Beginning in 1953, Shaun uses ellipses to indicate “sex,” replacing most of these previous forms of disguise (he uses a four- period ellipsis a couple of times [1/25/53 and 2/14/53] then switches to a three-period 163 ellipsis on 3/21/53).58 Thus, an entry like “I wanted very badly tonight but couldn’t find ...” (5/7/55) means “I wanted sex [of some kind, but never exactly defined] very badly tonight but couldn’t find sex.” It can also be read “had sex” or “have sex,” depending on the context. Sometimes, as I noted in chapter 3, Shaun disguises it a bit more by adding something after it: “Went out to Joes (1:00 to 4:20.) Everyone was home but we had fun (in a hurry[)]” (4/23/55), which translates to “Everyone was home but we had sex and we had fun (in a hurry[)].” That his use of ellipses means “sex” is clear from the combination of the contexts in which they are used; also, Shaun’s fiiend who inherited the diary mentioned that meaning to me. The kind of sex the ellipses indicate probably changes as Shaun gets older; indeed, some of his later entries show differences such as “We r_eQ_ll_y had new fun” (1/21/57) and “Bill W. & I really He likes an added oral feature” (2/6/58). Shaun’s use of private language in relation to sex is important in that it reflects a desire for secrecy as he struggles with his sexual identity. While he eventually wins his battle for personal acceptance, as I will explain below, he has mixed results with his battle for secrecy, and he will continue to use the ellipses in the same ways throughout the diary.59 The second important aspect of how Shaun reports the above events in his diary relates to his entries about Greg’s marriage. It is around this time that Shaun explicitly hints at an internal struggle with his sexual identity, perhaps brought on by Greg’s engagement, which may, for Shaun, have served as a reemphasis of expected heterosexual norms; indeed, on 6/30/52 (when he is 16), he writes “Greg & Sue up at 5’ As I explained in chapter 3, Shaun’s use of ellipses should not be confused with mine; for Shaun‘s use. I do not put spaces between them; for mine, I do (e.g., “...” vs. “. . .” or “. . . .”). 59 That he has some reason to be concerned about the privacy of his diary is confirmed on 6/2/58, when he writes “Home & ‘the Phantom’ (one of my pisshead infantile roommates) had ‘struck’ my Diary.” At the top of this entry, he notes, “I won’t miss my roommates and detest the lack of privacy here.” 164 Grams. I wonder when L’fl be married.” A statement showing he is conscious of an internal battle with his sexual identity first appears in his diary just prior to this, on 5/19/52, when he writes “Went to the show & saw ‘Ma & Pa Kettle at the fair’ v_eg gcgd! Something is wrong with me (my mind)” That this particular statement could indicate a personal battle over his sexual orientation instead of a critique of his taste in movies becomes quite clear within the context of two series of entries from the following year. In the first series of three, he details his homosexual activities with his newly found fiiend from school, Joe, but also expresses some doubt about the relationship: 1) “I must say yesterday [Saturday] was quite a day (Joe & I all afternoon. Wow)” (1/25/53);60 2) “I can’t go out to Joes [next] Saturday because he’s going away with his uncle. The heck of it is we (Joe & I) are such good fiiends after what happened [last] Saturday. Life seems to look better--somehow to me” (1/26/53); and 3) “Well, its hard to really say so but I Link Joe & I are drifting apart” (1/27/53). Shaun shows his initial happiness with his “life seems better” statement, but then shows his potential sexual identity distress in the next day’s entry. However, as I explained in chapter 5, he also declares Joe his “one & only t_ru_§ fiiend” (1/31/53). By “true,” Shaun could mean one with whom he can relate on a homosexual level, his “true”—but not yet personally accepted—sexual identity. True or not, that his acceptance of his homosexual identity is problematic becomes clearer in the second series (four entries), in which he more explicitly expresses religiously influenced distress about his relationship with Joe: 1) “Today Mr Drake changed our 5th hr Study hall seats--I now sit by Joe. I’m not _to_o alful happy about it because I’m more interested in my soul than in worldly things. I went to church twice 60 This is his first use of the dots as 1 indicated above, but I could not type them exactly as he has written them in the diary—instead of just using the four dots, he draws a long line above them. 165 today and reaped many spiritual blessings. I haven’t felt good lately. I’m going to Confession tomorrow-J may Confess ‘A_ll’ I hope 50” (2/2/53); 2) “Only God & I know how hard I tried in confession tonight. Somehow at the last minute I just couldn’t. God help me! before it’s too late. I went to church twice today. Oh god I’m so mentally sick!” (2/3/53); 3) “I went out to Joe’s 1:30 to 5:30--fun, in a way. I went to church twice today & enriched my soul. Lord I hope if [?] I save my soul” (2/4/53); and 4) “I went to church once today. Lord! I’m as pooped out as phisically [he soon comes down with the flu] & mentally as I can be!” (2/5/53). Clearly, his not feeling well relates to both his physical and his mental states, and his mental turmoil is connected to his emerging sexual identity, especially in light of his religious identity. Following these entries was the entry I quoted in the section on Shaun’s religious identity, above, about his hearing “a sermon on faith that really hit home” (2/22/53), further reemphasizing his turmoil. Even so, he engages in more and more sex with Joe, not mentioning any conflict. In fact, on 4/14/53, he declares “I went out to Joe’s 3:00 till 4:30 fun! Lord! Life is fun.” Unfortunately, his euphoria again does not last very long, as just fifteen days later, he declares “I guess I’m going out to Joe’s tomorrow, I am so dis—satisfied with life that it is pitifirl! I wonder . . . will I ever be happy?” (4/30/53, ellipses his), followed by “I really have been so despondent lately. . . . I sure missed going out to Joes today but am glad I didn’t” (5/8/53). Based on his previous statements of anguish, I would conclude that he is glad he did not go because he may have engaged in sex, which while probably enjoyable at the time based on his other entries, would have ultimately caused more anguish. Several of his following entries show the rapid waxing and waning of their friendship that I discussed in chapter 5, but it is obvious he still very 166 much likes Joe, mentioning him twenty-three times between the entry I last quoted and his entry on 6/15/53, when he writes “Joe & I went rowing in a boat on the lake & ...!” He follows this same pattern in his next group of entries, mentioning Joe in fifteen, until again having sex with him on 8/12/53, but on 9/7/53 declaring “I don’t see Joe much to talk any more cause I don’t want to.” Why he does not want to see Joe may again have something to do with his sexual identity confusion; in fact, he seems to have been trying to suppress his homosexuality lately, at least based on this previous entry and the one on 9/15/53: “I saw Mike Baylor last nite and I got that old feeling.” Clearly, that “old feeling” is difficult for him to ignore, as many of the following entries relate to whom he likes and talks to: Dirk Dugan, Mark and Mike Baylor, and Joe. For example, on 10/21/53, he notes ““I had fun all day in school. Last hour Mark Baylor, Dirk, & Doug Stern & I spent awhile alone in office. Mark pretended to -- I wish it was real though.” What Mark pretended to do was probably sexual, and Shaun still thinks about sex, whether or not he is trying to ignore it. Also, he still likes Joe: “I don’t speak to Joe but I still like him alot” (1/20/54); “Oh how I miss a certain someone I knew last yr. He’s still in school though” (2/18/54); and “I wish it was a year ago today” (4/6/54; Joe & he had sex this day last year). His next mention of a homosexual encounter is on 4/12/54, but it is not with Joe: “Bill Duncan & I had a cigarette on the hogsback--we also Fun!” He renews his friendship with Joe soon thereafter and between then and 7/15/54, when he and Joe again have sex, he mentions Joe in thirty-two entries, waxing and waning about their friendship as usual. This waxing and waning is possibly due to Shaun’s (and perhaps even Joe’s) sexual identity confusion. In any case, he again has sex with Joe on 7/27/54 and with other males on 8/14/54 and 8/26/54. He does not, however, explicitly mention his sexual identity conflicts again until he is in college. 167 Even if Shaun does not always mention it, further evidence of his sexual identity confusion during his pre-college years is shown in several entries in which he mentions girls he either likes or with whom his friends try to set him up from time to time. I discussed a few examples of this in chapter 5 in relation to his appeals for, and self (re)assurances of, fiiendship (e.g., Wilma Wendt, Deanne Foster). However, there were several other entries discussing girls, beginning on 2/3/50, when he writes “I just found out Lorraine Austin loves me.” Other entries include: “Showboat was a success tonite. My girl went to it tonite ‘Sissy Holt’ (2/13/50; when he meets Wilma a little later, he decides “I no longer love sissy” [5/14/501); “I Went skating to the [local rink]. Had fim. Pam Sue Black set on my lap on the way home” (2/22/50); “I like Deanne Foster--Her & I write lots of notes--Daisy O’Hare likes Dirk Dugan & Julie Stills Nate Arrons” (3/18/52, perhaps showing how he is fitting in with his fiiends); “I like Lettie Beacher quite well! She’s cute” (12/10/52); “1 meta cute girl on the bus in Leweston wow!” (7/11/53); “Kara Stout & Laura & Daisy had a good time at the [store] tonite after school. We’re going to get a girl for me & go out & have a good time” (1 1/2/53); and “A girl from Huntsville--Bev Otterrnan likes me & wants me to go out with her Saturday nite but I don’t go for the persuing type. I like Katherine Booker quite a bit” (2/2/54). His comments about girls (even the ironic ones such as not liking the pursuing type) may be an attempt to engage in what rhetorician Christopher Schroeder notes “cultural linguists call facework”—constructing “acceptable versions of the self” (181), or at least what Shaun perceives as acceptable in the way of sexual identity, at least for now. Interestingly, a few entries related to girls perhaps hint at his preferring boys. For example, on 9/11/52, he writes “That Cathy Fisk is crazy about me. (ha ha[.)]” Perhaps his laughter shows his underlying awareness of the futility in Cathy’s being crazy about 168 him. As another example, on 3/20/54, Shaun writes “Dirk Dugan wanted me to get a girl & go out & see ‘the Robe’ in Princeton but I didn’t wanna.” Dirk is a high school classmate he liked, but did not like to see going out with others, as I explained in chapter 5 in relation to Shaun’s feeling jealous within his social relationships. Also, none of his entries hint at any physical relationship with females; any sexual “experimenting” he does is with males, at least as evidenced in his diary. He will continue these trends in coHege. Shaun’s Sexual Identity Formation in College During his four years in college, Shaun continues to engage in a lot of sex with his male fiiends (except in his first semester as I discuss below). In his diary, he references having sex 133 times in college, including three times with himself (and perhaps more than were recorded, though on 9/28/5 7, he notes “this 5010 bit is no good”). He also references wanting to have sex 153 times, four of which were mentioned in relation to women. At first, while he continues to struggle with his sexual identity, he rarely analyzes his sexual relationships beyond his sense of pleasure, as I first mentioned in chapter 5: “John Sherman & I unsat. Oh well” (6/5/55). What reflection he does provide during his early college years seems to relate to the quality of the sex, rather than his sexual identity. For example, on 1/18/55, he writes “Scott Vages came over tonite I am very sorry!” He does not mention why he is sorry, but given his other entries during this time period, I would interpret this as his being unsatisfied with Scott in some sexual way. As another example, on 2/5/55, Shaun writes “I went out to Joes in the bad weather & we had fun. Rather boring now tho.” He does not explain why he was bored, but perhaps it is because Shaun is now in college and Joe is still in high school. Later in his 99 6" diary, Shaun will note how he wants to meet “new, intelligent” people: “Soon I must 169 meet new material intellegent enough to keep me on the string & cute enuff to want to” (5/4/58). This idea could relate to Joe, even three years before Shaun articulates it so explicitly, in that on 12/10/55, Shaun writes “I am sorry to say [Joe] quit school a week ago. This will probably be an end of a nice relationship.” He will later reiterate his desire for new people as well: “I mu_st meet some new stuff soon!” (5/24/58). This idea of “new” seems to fit in with Shaun’s desire for excitement, especially considered in the context of “I went out to Joe’s--1:30 to 4:30[.] We had fun! Just like the lSt few times!” (3/25/55). Perhaps Joe was more enthusiastic this time, as he probably was originally, and the encounter was therefore more exciting. That Joe’s enthusiasm is important to Shaun is demonstrated by his noting, after an earlier visit, how “[Joe] wasn’t particularly glad to see me so I’m not going out for quite awhile” (8/3/54) Perhaps Joe, too, struggles with his sexual identity, and how he treats Shaun waxes and wanes because of these struggles, leaving Shaun occasionally dissatisfied. On 2/26/55, Shaun notes “I went out to Joes 1:30 to 4:30. Nothing much came of that trip.” Several months later he notes “I went to Joes l to 4:20. He was not very hospitable & we had little fun” (12/17/55) and “He was not congenial & is bored with me” (12/31/55). Shaun’s interpretation of how he is treated affects his sense of attachment and detachment in sexual relationships, just as it does in his social relationships as I explained in chapter 5. Whatever the reason for Shaun’s dissatisfaction, including boredom with Joe or anyone else on any particular day, he continues to have——or wishes to have—sex with Joe, as well as with others: “Brian Baker [B. B.] & I ...” (7/2/55); “Joe & I ...” (7/3/55); “It is past time for a little fun” (8/20/55); “Joe came in & . . . we rode around & had fun. By Gosh” (8/26/55); “B. B. & I had fun” (10/8/55); “I cruised around town tonite but didn’t have any fun” (10/22/55); “B. B. & I went for a nice long ride tonite” 170 (1 1/24/55); “Now that Rob [roommate] is gone I would like to start having company & fun! I’ll shop around” (12/6/55); and so on. Entries like this are found throughout his second and third semesters at college—very factual entries with little or no analysis on his part of any struggle related to sexual identity. Shaun does, however, allude to a struggle with his sexual identity in other ways during his early college years. For example, a series of entries in his second semester shows how he seems to be afraid of people whom he perceives as gay, continuing to show his conflicting sexual identity, if not discussing it. For example, Shaun writes: I decided tonite I would go to a show tonite for the first time in College Town. I went to the Boardwalk (a nice little place) and paid 50 cents to see Barbara Stanwick & Ronald Regan in Tec. “Cattle Queen of Montana.” A good show. I went down to the rest-room during it and thfl a Queer followed me He didn’t say anything but I think he was one. I beat it out of there quickly. I enjoyed the show. I have so much work to do. No mail again today. I sent Ann . . . a letter in Calif. $1.60. (1/4/55) Yet three days earlier he had written, “I went out to Joe’s from 1:30 to 4:30. His mother & brother went fishing and he and I but were interrupted. I sure wanted to” (1/1/55), and four days later he writes, “Joe got the car from 3:45 till 4:50. We drove around in the country and we really in the car” (1/8/55). Importantly, this sex with Joe is the first sex with a male that Shaun records since the previous summer (7/27/54 with Joe and 8/14/54 and 8/26/54 with two others), although he sometimes records wanting sex. One can see Shaun’s conflict (even if he does not mention it) when one considers these entries in light of what he had written two days before the movie theater incident: 171 I went down to the Grill tonite. Lois Myer and I talked for quite a while. She is blonde and really stacked. I like her. How Id love to really have a time with her. Wow! (I’m afraid I’m being sexy again. Well, tomorrow school again. Alas! .25. (1/2/55) While Shaun never does “have a time with her,” he continues to have several such times with his male fiiends and acquaintances; perhaps by “sexy” in the above entry, he means “horny,” as he states elsewhere in his diary: “Horny! (10/18/57) and “feeling horny” (9/23/62). In fact, his seemingly continuous urges for gay sex in general (e.g., “I hope to Joe this weekend” [10/5/54] and “Must must must find gay guy” [10/3/57]) may be a key factor in his eventually accepting his sexual identity.“ As Rosario et al. state (drawing on Higgins’ 2002 research related to gay men who marry), “the incongruence among gay identity and heterosexual behavior has been used to explain the eventual transition from heterosexual to homosexual behavior, so as to eliminate dissonance between identity and behavior” (46). Since Shaun has not fully accepted his sexual identity, his homosexual behavior and fantasized heterosexual behavior—especially during his first semester in college, but also later—seem to be creating similar dissonance, although his expressions of these feelings of dissonance are not as explicit in his early years in college as they were in high school, at least as evidenced in his diary. Even so, Shaun is still struggling, as evidenced by his movie theater experience. As a further sign of his struggle early on in college, especially as his struggle relates to his fantasized heterosexual behavior and possible continued facework, Shaun references several more women in his diary, particularly during his first semester (recall 6' His first use of the word “gay" occurs a little earlier. as I explained in chapter 5, the importance of which I further discuss below. 172 that he does not have gay sex all semester). Some of these references also point to his habit of rapidly waxing and waning in his friendships, as I explained in chapter 5. A good example of all of this is his brief friendship with Flora, who works at a diner in College Town, a friendship complicated a bit by Flora’s coworkers Emma and Sue: “Boy I surely do like Flora at the Grill--wow! Emma & Sue are a lot of fun” (10/26/54); “Boy I have a lot of fun in the Grill nights. I gave Flora a picture. I’m nuts over her” (10/30/54); “Boy that Flora! I called her up tonite. Emma called me up tonite!” (10/31/54); “Didn’t see much of Flora tonite. I surely like her!” (11/2/54); “I could really go for that Flora” (11/8/54); “Flora & I are certainly good friends” (11/9/54); “Called up Flora for a date--maybe next week" (1 1/15/54); “I didn’t see Flora. I could have called her up but I didn’t want to go out, really” (1 1/16/54; a semi-conscious identity moment?); “Went down to the Grill. I was ‘cool’ to Flora but Emma & Sue fun!”; “Flora isn’t working at the Grill anymore. Too bad” (1 1/20/54); “I don’t see Flora anymore” (11/27/54); “Saw Flora tonite. Wow! She was refreshing” (12/1/54); “Got a picture from Sue McKenzie” (12/11/54); and “I would like to see more of Flora (or Lois Meyer)” (1/3/55). With this last statement, he very casually switches his heterosexual fantasies to a woman named Lois Meyer, not mentioning Flora again for quite some time. Importantly, he also starts having lots of gay sex again. As for Lois, Shaun does not dwell on her very long and soon mentions others, including Emma, who had apparently left the diner earlier: “I called up Lois at the Grill. Wow! What a dame!”; “Well, Emma Jewel (from Arden) my old buddy! & a guy came up. He got Sue (McKenzie) & we parked & necked & kissed for a while. I’m afraid Emma & I got rather worked up but we didn’t do much. darn it” (4/25/55. a rare entry related to any heterosexual contact); and 173 “Lois and I had a nice time talking at the Grill. 1 like that gal!” (3/3/55) Apparently, however, he likes gay sex more, as he engages in lots of it that spring and summer. Another cycle of heterosexual fantasy and possible facework begins during his third semester, but as before, his actual behavior is homosexual: “Paula Hoak called me up tonite. She’d go with me in a minute” (10/11/55); “[Paula Hoak] gits on my nerves” (1 0/23/55); “That Paula is a card by gosh but a lot of fun” (1 1/6/55); “I guess I have a date with [Missy] for Fri.” (1 1/8/55); “B. B. & I went for a ride. Missy P. & I didn’t go out: rationalization” (1 1/1 1/55; perhaps he means he is rationalizing his standing up Missy, or rationalizing his sex with Brian); “Jokingly Sally asked for a kiss tonite. I nearly complied with that request” (1 1/ 1 5/5 5); “Sally wants me to take her out tomorrow nite—-Ha Ha” (1 1/30/55, perhaps showing that he knows why he will not); “Paula is nuts over me” (12/6/55); “I called up Paula H. twice today. Bless her she’s certainly eager” (12/12/55); and “Went to Grarn’s and called up Paula Hoak. She’s O.K.”; he also “talked about women” with his Uncle Lanny and “. .. went for a ride” with Brian (12/26/55). Because he continues to mention women while he is having sex with men, he seems to be still struggling with his sexual identity, even if he does not mention it very explicitly. A third way Shaun alludes to a struggle with his sexual identity is by writing in his diary in places other than those provided for his daily entries. As I explained in chapter 3, in the 1955 diary, there are places after each month for “Memoranda.” He is much more reflective in these than he is in his daily entries, and many suggest his struggling sexual identity. For example, in chapter 3, I quoted the “Memoranda” for March, 1955, which includes the statement “I wonder if I’ll ever fall in love or get married? Money & a good woman are all I need! !” I explained that perhaps he senses that he will not fall in love with a woman or get married; perhaps his last sentence is an 174 effort to talk himself into it (or is Schroeder’s facework, as discussed above). In fact, one of Shaun’s most telling analyses related to his sexual identity crisis in college (with the exception, perhaps, of his entry for 12/22/55: “I’d like to with anyone!”) is in the memorandum for April 1955, which is also linked to his socioeconomic identity (see chapter 4) and his academic identity (see chapter 7): I am mentally in a turmoil as usual. It is very difficult to figure all I want in life. I believe, money & a good marriage but I don’t know. As I so often realize I have lost my educational spark. I no longer care about much of anything. I still like Joe tho. It seems his mental turmoil is due to his not knowing what he wants in life, including marriage. Recall that in the 19505 there was a lot of pressure to marry (see footnote 54, p. 154). That Shaun finds it hard to figure out what he wants is further demonstrated in October, when he notes in the memorandum: “My big problem: passing Spanish.” In short, as I explained in chapter 3, it is within the memoranda pages that Shaun is especially reflective, particularly about his sexual and academic identity formation; in fact, I feel that it is because of these pages that he is more reflective. They were there, and since he had already written about his daily activities, he was encouraged to write about something else. And because these pages first turned up in an early volume (his second one, the first to have the one-page-per-day format), perhaps they encouraged him to be a little more reflective of his sexual identity in his daily entries in the volumes that did not have monthly memoranda pages. Indeed, this is the case starting in 1956 and continuing until he graduates in 1958; in fact, his reflections show that he is beginning to accept a gay identity at first, but later there are more indications of a continued struggle. 175 At first, there are signs that he is beginning to accept his sexual identity. Early in his second semester as a sophomore, Shaun declares that “If I only had T.V. and of course I would be all set here in College Town” (1/10/56). In other words, what he needs to be happy in life are sex and television (recall his great love for television from chapter 4). While it is interesting that he seems to equate the value of these two in this entry, his mentioning them makes sense because nearly all of the sex he has had has been with people from either his hometown or nearby, not in College Town; also, he does not own a television. Related to his need for sex, however, is a more important entry written the next month in which he gives the first hint at an extemalized (written) declaration of being gay, even if only to himself, an important step in most of the sexual identity development theories I discussed above because it is an indication of his attitude toward his sexuality, which is part of the definition of sexual identity upon which I am relying, also quoted above. He writes: “I really wish that Chad [his housemate] were more like me. We’d have a ball!” (2/10/56). By “more like me,” it would seem Shaun means “gay,” especially increasingly so in the context of several later entries: “To find a companable friend” (1957 New Year’s resolution); “I must find a ‘mutual’ pal” (1/15/57); and “If m I can find gay companion” (2/16/57), the first time he uses the word “gay,” as I explained in chapter 5 in relation to his social identity formation, which overlaps with his sexual identity formation. However, both in between and after the above quoted 1956 entries, he includes entries that show he is still struggling with his sexual identity and is not ready to accept it, despite his desire for, and pursuit of, continued gay sex, both at home (on weekends and during vacation) and at college.62 62 During this time, he is taking a sociology class entitled “Courtship and Marriage,” and he records studying “Sex Adjustment” (1/3/56. without comment), “achieving the climax” (1/5/56, commenting “My gosh”), human reproduction (1/17/56, “Ugh”), and the “phys[ical] side of marriage” (1/19/56, “frank”). 176 A good example of this is his pursuit at home of Mike Baylor, which takes place after his above-quoted declaration of wishing to find a gay companion. In one entry, he notes “I _sLiLl can’t get over last nights ‘fun’ [sex down a country lane with Mike Baylor]. I’ll bet I have a pal--or will I--who really ...” (3/4/56). He tries five times to repeat this with Mike, but is unsuccessful. On 3/17/56, he considers a possible substitution: “Daisy & I went downtown. I saw Mark Baylor [Mike’s brother] & say is he nice looking. Boy I’d sure li_ke__t_o_ know him better. . . . After supper I drove around some I felt a great need and would like to satisfy it--one of need” (notice how his desire for sex is framed as a “need”). Nevertheless, on 3/30/56, he reconsiders and decides again that “I’d like to be good pals with M[ike] B. & have fun. I’m gonna try to repeat an occurance!” Mike, though, does not seem to share Shaun’s enthusiasm, and ironically, it may be Shaun’s lack of success in finding the right “pal” in the face of his great need for sex that further flames his sexual identity struggle: “After supper I drove downtown & saw M[ike] B. going to the show. He was rather unfi'iendly--piss on him! I then watched TV until 10:30. Ya know, I’ve made up my mind to get a girl. There is a cute one that works up town-—maybe I’ll be lucky & get her” (4/1/56). Perhaps feeling that connecting with women would be easier than connecting with men, Shaun immediately tries to set this plan in action: “I bought coffee. (I eyed Gina Thurston into Brecks.) . . . . Missy P. is hot after me!” (4/2/56). However, results do not occur fast enough: Daisy & I had coffee at Breck’s resturant. Gina talked to us (some progress.) . . . I drove thru town--no luck. . . . Mike B. came over to the car & talked to me. I’m playing aloof & don’t care. . . . [He] & I’ve got I to get together altho I’m in the process of getting a girl friend. (4/4/56) Similar evidence of his being mixed up continues in the next day’s entry: 177 Daisy & I had cof. at Breck’s. I gazed at Gina. On way home we ran into Joe . . . . The magic’s worn off‘fgfim. . . . Ihunted for M[ike] B. after school--no luck. . . . Iwent to show . . . . [and] sat by Missy Peck & another guy. She & Idrove around 9:20 to 10:50. She is quite sexey. (4/5/56)63 Despite Missy’s sexiness, Shaun drops the girlfiiend idea for awhile and continues to extensively cruise for gay sex, succeeding twelve times by 9/18/56, but not with Mike, contrary to his continued wishes. On 9/18/56, he asks himself Can I get a job & preserve education & self respect? Can I adjust to College Town & that coop of a room. Here is where, with God’s grace, I start the habit of self respect, thrift, fun & socialization. (I may be home Frid nite). How can I do all this? While I originally quoted this entry in chapter 4 in relation to Shaun’s socioeconomic identity formation, it also seems relevant to his sexual identity formation in two important ways: first, in how it relates to his religious identity in college, and second, in how it relates to his struggles with his sexual identity in the face of societal norms. First, in the 9/18/56 entry, Shaun’s appeal to God’s grace is interesting in that it is shows how he is seemingly no longer experiencing religiously induced despondency related to his sexual identity, as he last discussed in the spring of 1953 (see pp. 165-66). In fact, with a few exceptions, like in his 9/18/56 entry, he rarely mentions religion in his college years beyond simply indicating when he goes to church to say the rosary, take communion, confess, or attend mass (nearly every Sunday and holiday). When he misses 6" Interestingly, Shaun spends some time with Joe two days later, only to be ditched by him for a girl, much to Shaun‘s displeasure: “Phooey on him anymore!” (4/7/56). In fact, he will strike up a relationship with Joe’s. brother, Bill. 178 mass, he does record some distress: “I arose at 10 mins to 1:00 & of course missed mass. (I felt badly about it too. lst time!)” (1/20/57) and “Slept thru mass & feel badly about it by George!” (5/26/57). Unfortunately, he does not record what he confesses in church; it would be interesting to know if he discusses his sexuality with any priests during college. I suspect not, even though on one occasion he writes “Went to conf.--feel better” (8/24/57), or he would probably extemalize more struggle with his sexuality than he does during his college years. Indeed, he does indicate he talks about his sexuality with priests after college, and he does write more about struggling with his sexual identity in his diary during that period. Within college, though, his exceptions to mentioning religion beyond simply recording his church attendance mainly include praying often for good grades (e.g., “Dear God, for a ‘C!”’ [3/5/55]), noting he “read ‘The left Hand of God’ a ye_ry good Catholic book” (1 1/13/54), and thanking God for various health issue resolutions (e.g., “My cold is over & I feel good thank God” [2/23/55]).64 There are, however, some other exceptions of particular interest in that they relate to Shaun’s sexual identity formation within the context of his religious identity during his college years. One such example of interest is Shaun’s entry on 12/19/55: “I went to the lake tonite & Joe & I watched TV till 12:00[.] Then we went out and sat in the car for awhile. I ran out of gas about 1/4 mile from his house. Praise the Lord but Fred Fisk & the Turst guy came along.” This entry shows one indication of the lack of any conflict between his sexual and religious identities in that were he conflicted at the time, he probably would not have thanked God for facilitating his gay sex. In fact, he even asks God’s help in finding some: “God assist me in gaining a fiiend” (3/13/58). That by 6’ Perhaps he read the 1951 novel, The Left Hand of God, by William E. Barrett, which was also made into a 1955 Twentieth Century-Fox movie starring Humphrey Bogart. The plot involves the love between two people, a man pretending to be a priest and a woman who is “ashamed of her feelings” (The Lefi), a plot which would perhaps reverberate in some ways with Shaun. 179 “fiiend” he means “gay friend” is clear from several diary entries I quoted above, as well as from a previously written entry, “If m I can find gay companion” (2/16/5 7). That he feels God has control over this will become even more significant in his post-college years. An example of his feeling that certain outcomes are in God’s hands is also in his May 1955 memorandum, which includes the statement “I hope the Lord will see fit to keep me sane, healthy, happy & in college”; his references to sanity and happiness could also relate to his sexual identity formation. An interesting episode also relating religion and sexual identity is described in two other entries: “Read bit of Peyton Place dirty but like it otherwise” (4/27/5 8) and “Phoned Fr Kingly & he said Peyton Place banned. Quit it & read some of The Scapegoat” (4/28/58). This shows some contradictory behavior; while he gives up reading a novel that includes sex, he does not give up gay sex, which is also “banned” in the Catholic Church, but would be much harder for Shaun to quit as evidenced in his diary. Also, his choice of a substitute, Daphne du Maurier’s novel, is somewhat ironic in that the plot involves confused identities (not to mention that the title word’s original meaning includes “symbolic bearer of the sins of the people” [“scapegoat”], which seems to be what the Catholic Church is creating when it bans books). There is one last important exception to his rarely mentioning religion in college, especially in relation to his sexuality, but to better understand it requires first going back to Shaun’s entry of 9/18/56 and discussing the second reason the entry is particularly relevant to his sexual identity formation. In the 9/18/56 entry, Shaun sets out plans to “start the habit of self respect, thrift, fun & socialization” in an effort to adjust to College Town, an adjustment which continues to relate to his sexual identity struggles. By socializing and having “fun,” Shaun could mean finding local gay friends and having even more sex, which is where 180 the “self respect” part may be relevant. While at this point in the diary it does not seem likely that Shaun equates any lack of self respect with having multiple sex partners— especially as he notes, a few months later, “I arose at 11:15 very refreshed after all of yesterday’s ‘activity’ [sex with Bill, then, later that day, Brian]” (11/24/56)—it could have some relevancy to his having gay sex in general, especially in light of the societal pressures I discussed above (see footnote 54, p. 154).65 Importantly, Shaun’s plans to achieve these outcomes once again involve finding a girlfriend, but this time, he is more reflective of his sexual identity within his diary entries, providing more insight into his struggle. One prospect for a girlfiiend is Roberta Swanson, one of his coworkers: “Picked up Roberta Swanson (wow!) & bought her cof 4:10 to 4:40 at Johns Snack” (1/9/57). At the top of this entry, he writes “Hope I tomorrow.” However, this wish is obviously not related to Roberta, as he writes “I must find a ‘mutual’ pal” (1/15/57) and has sex 6’ In terms of sex partners, during college, Shaun recorded having 130 sex acts with 17 different males, one of whom (Joe) he carried over from his pre-college days (during which he recorded 12 sex acts with 4 males, though only counting those for which Shaun used an ellipsis). After college and through 1966, he records 428 sex acts with at least 11 1 different males, plus 6 from his college days and one female (for a total of 131 males, 1953 through 1966). He reports his own sex-act count on 12/14/58: “I just counted--70 ...5 this yr.” and on 10/10/59: “76 ...’s’ (my own count matched his first count, but for the second, instead of 76, I counted 79; however, on three of those days, he had sex with two different people, which he must have counted as only one, thus undercounting by three). On 7/8/59, he notes “Brother am I active!” Indeed, in a 1988 article, medical researcher Anne M. Johnson reports that various studies have found that “homosexual men have higher numbers of sexual partners than heterosexual men and women” (102). She explains that one of Kinsey’s data categories defined “‘extensive’ homosexual experience” as “21 partners or more” (101). As for how many sex partners gay men have during their lifetimes, Johnson cites two studies in particular which surveyed gay men in 1979; one study indicated the median number was 20 (with 8.4% reporting 500+) while the other study reported a median of 49.5 (with 12.5% reporting 500+) (10]). Of course, various sampling issues are involved in such studies (sample size, location of study, truthfulness of answers, etc.) The two studies she cites used samples of 946 and 4,212, respectively, the former finding respondents through “both the basic Kinsey sample and from gay meeting places” and the latter recruiting them through “gay organisations in the United States” (101). Last, Johnson reports that a 1981 study found that the “number of partners was the best predictor of previous sexually transmitted diseases” (102). Interestingly, Shaun indicates that be perhaps used condoms during sex: “This protective coating I wear is safe but not satisfactory” (5/25/58). However, the next year, he writes “I have sore Organ--syph?” (7/14/59) and “(No V.D.) Salve for ‘it’. . . . Cruised” (7/15/59). By “it,” he means his “sore organ,” as he clarifies on 7/18/59: “Salve on the Organ works.” Five years later, though, he will note, “Found 1 had crabs (little bugs from WHERE?)” (9/17/64) and “Got bugs again!” (1/16/65). Also interestingly, Shaun reports being “chairman of [a] panel on ‘sex”’ in his Psychology and Education course (6/3/57). 18] with Bill on 1/21/57 (ironically also seeing Joe, Bill’s brother, though not for sex, and declaring “We’ve lost ‘it’ entirely”).66 He still sees Roberta, in connection to which he writes a particularly interesting entry: “Worked 2 - 11:10. Took Roberta home--right home. She seems receptive [apparently to dating] & consented to a Wed. movie. I’ll have a see cause I’m broke. I should be content: I’m healthy, going to school, working & enjoying life. What a life” (2/17/57). By saying he should be content, perhaps he is responding to societal pressures to conform, as I explained above. Hi5 statement “what a life” is also important in that it acknowledges his identity struggles. Perhaps this affects his relationship with Roberta, as he writes “Called Roberta--she’s cool & abrupt. So am I” (2/28/5 7), and on the unneeded February 29 template page in the diary, he writes “Roberta is or gas ‘my girl.’ I’m through with her!” (Even though they were never really “together” in the first place as she was also seeing someone else.) The next day, though, he writes “Roberta & I had Cof 4:30 [-] 5:45 at John’s. (Can’t figure her.) . . . . I’d like a ‘contact’ badly” (3/1/57). By contact, again he seems to mean a gay male: “I would really like to find a ‘companion’ but am glen—all successful. I’d like another Joe” (3/16/57). His being unsuccessful could also apply to Roberta, as prior to this particular entry, he had written “Roberta & I aren’t speaking (to a degree). Oh, well ‘Love is strange’” (3/10/57) and “I’m cool to Roberta (& she to me)” (3/13/57). Also, in the t0p margin of the previously quoted 3/1/57 entry, he had written “Trying to convert Roberta.” His use of “convert” is unclear; perhaps he means he is ’6 Shaun will have sex with Joe once more on 1 1/2/58 (making him the only person with whom Shaun had sex in each of these three periods), after which he will write at the top of his diary entry, “15 Joe ‘one.’ Have reason to believe it. No.” By “one,” Shaun may be meaning “gay.” The next day, he notes that he “Arose about 7:20 with nice afterglow (Imagine old memories!)” but also notes later in the entry that “Joe didn’t phone tonite—ashamed?” (1 l/3/58, perhaps reinforcing that Joe, too, had sexual identity issues). Shaun will have his own issues the next year, and when he next mentions Joe on 4/30/60, he writes “Miss some companionship--the old days of Joe etc. Godul’m lonely.” He will mention Joe only a few more times (e.g., “Joe & I rode around straight & had beer” [7/8/61]), finally noting Joe is married on 2/7/63. 182 trying to convert his desire for males into a desire for her, which is unsuccessful, as evidenced by his entry on 3/ 1 7/5 7: “I asked [Roberta] for Cof tomorrow & she didn’t appear eager so I asked ‘Scotty’ (Janice Scott). Blonde, Soph phys Ed maj or--a cut up. She accepted readily. . . . Laura Walton would be a good mate!” However, he could also have been trying to “convert” Roberta from dating someone else: “sat with Roberta at John’s. She’s going with a Phil & I’m m pissed oftl” (3/26/57). Its meaning perhaps becomes clearer in relation to another entry later in the month: “cof at Johns. There I talked to 3 gals & m M is mildly interested in becoming a convert. I gabbed from 11 - 12:30 & think I stimulated thinking” (3/20/57). By “convert,” perhaps he means “a converter of him” from his attraction to men to an attraction of women. In any case, he again tries with Roberta, but without success: “peppy Roberta talks but refirses to be on same basis with me. (no more cof ect.) Crap on her. . . . The last Cpl days I’ve been depressed to a degree. (Since Frid.) These moods are less frequent & this is lst in ages. I’ll pick up & enjoy life” (3/24/57) and “Gave Roberta ride home [from work]. . . . I can’t figure Roberta out. She acts like she still likes me but she won’t go out with me ect. So what!? . . . . Wish BB was here” (3/31/57). His lack of success is depressing him, as he notes, which he plans to correct, perhaps by finding a gay friend like B. B. (Brian). Indeed, even though he still tries with Roberta, he continues to wish for a gay friend: “cof at Johns. Then ‘looked around’ no luck. . . . Hope to find gay pay. . . . A guy (sex crazy) called Rosalind [coworker] on phone. . . . Oh for a gay pal!” (4/6/57). At the top of this entry, he writes “Saw Roberta a min. at Johns. I want a re-match.” The irony of his calling Rosalind’s caller “sex crazy” aside, Shaun is bound to feel conflicted about his sexuality and distressed about his lack of success in both his “conversion quest” and search for gay companionship, especially given all of these entries. In fact, he notes 183 “Laura & Shaun [himself] have a date & Shaun & Scotty do also. Reason: Shaun’s ego to be satisfied” (4/7/57). However, he also notes “I’m restless & dissatisfied. . . . I need gay companionship” (5/3/5 7) and “I’m terribly uneasy & disatisfied” (5/5/57). He decides that he “IL/Lust find a pal. I’m looking & will settle for anything!” (6/9/56). After five gay encounters, he wonders if “Mary Anne would be a good catch?” (7/31/57), but has seven more gay encounters and writes “I’m looking for a buddy who is ‘companionable’. Called Avery H--cool. Crap on her” (8/23/57). Further indicating his current thinking in relation to his sexual identity formation, he declares “I am restless, bored & on edge. (Little depressed too.) My Gosh I hope for a good year ahead. (Getting homey too--need Gay know-what[)]” (8/25/57). He will soon begin his senior year in college, and he reasserts his need for gay companionship, though not just with anybody this time: “Went for ride--no luck. Would I like a gay friend. M m E (with intelligence)” (8/27/5 7). The longer he goes without success, the more distressed he becomes: “1 hope fervently I find gal pa] in College Town & will certainly hunt. I need & crave it” (9/12/5 7) and “Prowled around. Went to Princeton 9 - 10. No luck. . . . I’m getting desperate & gayer” (9/13/57). By becoming “gayer,” perhaps he means he is finally accepting his sexual identity. In fact, when he meets Doug, the classmate who will be “practice teaching” in the same school as Shaun, he states, “Hope Doug is a gay guy and comes over. He indicates an indecisive attitude” (10/10/57), which further supports Shaun’s having finally become decisive himself. Indeed, even though Shaun “Sounded Doug out[--] 1% chance he is” (10/18/97), he notes in the same entry that “Life seems great but I need ‘something’ bad & soon. Not fussy.” That he needs gay sex, but is still “happy,” seems to be another important sign of acceptance. 184 Perhaps it is coincidental, but soon after seemingly signaling his acceptance, Shaun finds his “pal”: “Drove around. Picked up . . . Rick Stevens at park. (6’11” nice guy.) . . . He came to my room. . . . We really had fun played radio ect. At last a pal!. . . . R.S. & I are it. (New ‘leads’ too[)]”(lO/19/57). His statement about the “new leads” shows that he has not changed in all ways, but he is happier, as he continues to note: “Have I really got a gay pal? Too good to be true!. . . . I feel good. How happy I am. Hope ‘8’ can come over tomorrow nite. Yippee!” (10/20/57); “Called Rick. (Like him.) . . . . Life is great. Rick stabilizes every move” (10/23/57); and “Life is gr_'e_at! (Rick!)” (10/24/57). By 10/30/57, however, things are “less novel,” but still “good”: “My how good ‘things’ will be. Gay guys!” In fact, even though he then notes “Laura called. Made date [went to dinner]. . . . I could make progress with Laura if wanted” (11/9/57), he seems to realize he no longer wants to “make progress” with her. He continues to see Rick until he has to leave for a four-week, full-time student teaching assignment near his home town; very soon after arriving home, he takes up again with Brian and starts a four-week student teaching assignment, at which time his decisiveness appears to come into question in a very important way. Surprisingly, given the previous entries, Shaun starts to write about women again during his student teaching assignment, without first indicating any reasons (as far as I could tell). One of the teachers he observes teaching (as part of his assignment) catches his attention: “Miss Dixon came 8:30. Had a nice chat. She’s cute, smart, blonde & charmingnalso engaged” (11/18/57). Shaun writes that he and Miss Dixon chat a lot, and by 11/20/57, he is calling her Elaine. On I 1/25/5 7, he even gets her picture. Perhaps he was still engaging in cultural facework; maybe her being engaged to be married made her a good candidate—less of a chance for success? Perhaps, though, the answer is related to 185 facework, but with an important added twist. Shaun is now teaching, even if only temporarily. Perhaps he is worried about his “image” with his students. That all of this may actually be such “public” facework is supported by two subsequent entries in his diary: “I wonder what teaching will be like next year. Living accommodations & fiiends for a bachelor? I wonder” (1 1/30/57) and “Carl W. shunned me. . . . I M he & a few others ‘know’” (1/6/58). In the first entry, Shaun shows some worry about having fiiends as an unmarried teacher, particularly, perhaps, gay male friends and how that might look. In the second, Shaun expresses some worry over a student knowing that he is gay (since the start of the semester, Shaun has been “practice teaching” in a high school advanced speech class while taking an education course—a separate assignment from the four- week student teaching assignment—and Carl is a student in the speech class). Shaun’s first experience “full-time” teaching (i.e., not for just an hour a day a few days a week while also taking college courses and working in the diner) seems to have rekindled his sexual identity struggles, as well as his battle for secrecy (which is related to his teacherly identity formation, which I discuss in chapter 7). That such struggles were rekindled is further evidenced by his list of 1958 New Year’s resolutions, which includes three of particular interest: “To ‘cultivate’ Rick & more like him”; “To find a steady gal like Roberta once was”; and “To increase religion in strength” (1/2/58). His struggles show in his wanting to find more gay friends as well as a girlfiiend, along with resolving to become more religious, which is the last and perhaps most important exception to his mentioning religion mainly in connection with his church attendance during his college years (as I earlier promised to explain [see p. 180]). Clearly, his third resolution conflicts with his first one; indeed, when he turns to religion in his post-college years as a “solution” to being gay. his identity struggles will 186 only become more severe. Right now, though, he merely identifies it as a resolution, one he does not yet put into effect. Even so, his mentioning it shows he still feels the weight of his conflict, as does a subsequent entry. After Shaun ends the four-week student teaching assignment and returns to College Town, he notes “Things have been rather morose & wrong since I arrived” (1/5/58). In that same entry, he notes that he had been called by Rick and had “warded him off” (though he and Rick had sex two days earlier, which may be part of what is “wrong”), and he had “tried to call Laura & Ella. No luck.” Not too long after this, he writes “Gabbed at Johns. Q13; waitress there. . . . Then I watched TV (alone) 8 - 1]. Alone, alone. I wish I weren’t but somehow I wish it too” (1/11/58). Perhaps by being alone, he could “solve” his conflict by not having to worry about either boyfriends or girlfriends; also by being alone, he would not risk being “found out.” However, Shaun realizes this cannot work, as he subsequently writes: “Went to lib & got several books on the Homo. . . . Tried to phone Rick. Read Man on a pendulum homo bk-—good. . . . I wish I were in a big town with money & could met ‘interesting’ people. My life is narrow & dull” (1/18/58).67 The title of the book seems metaphorically significant; also, perhaps if he were in a big town, he would have less risk of being discovered, including by his family, as he implied in his diary during his student teaching the previous month: “Would love [to teach in] Huntsville [where he is student teaching] but want to g[e]t away to big city. (Far from home)” (12/13/57) In any case, on 1/24/58, he writes “I feel depressed & alone,” but on 1/28/58, he has sex with Rick, on 1/30 Brian, 1/31 Bill, 2/6 Bill, 2/8 Bill, and 2/10 Rick. (“we really had fun”). Perhaps 67 In chapter 4, I discussed this entry in relation to Shaun’s possibly feeling trapped and/or oppressed (see p. 11 l). The book he reads is Israel Joshua Gerber’s Man on a Pendulum: A Case History of an Invert (New York: American P, 1955). On 5/6/58, he also reads The Homosexual in America by Donald Webster Cory (New York: Paperback Library, 1951), which he also declares “good.” 187 consequently, when later in the evening on 2/10, he notes “Mrs R. [landlady] & I had a talk about me getting married--ha,” he is showing that he realizes he probably will not. His realization that he will not get married is further reinforced by his continued longing for gay companionship and sex (which he also has on 2/14/58 and 2/21/58 with Rick). In fact, around this time, he has developed a crush on a new housemate, Terry, and his diary entries related to this further highlight his sexual identity struggle. Since he met Terry, Shaun has been wondering if Terry is gay: “Terry came up. He & I really gabbed. About his nearly being a priest, camping, women, jobs etc. I M believe he is--but doubt it. (Wishful thinking?)” (2/16/58); “Terry isn’t I’m s_ur§--he should be” (2/17/58); “I like Terry a lot. . . . Terry stayed up here till 11:30. Footsey play on bed but doubt him” (2/18/58); I arose about 7:20 whistling a happy tune (In love?) . . . . I read 3 Chaps of Speech. Then Terry Came. We gabbed. He left for an impromptu date with Gus [another housemate] & gals. I felt e_xt_r_e_r_niy depressed. . . . Went to Church devotions 7:30 - 8:30 & got ashes. Peeved after & sat alone. . . . T.V. [later] Terry & I on one bed & Jason [another housemate] on another (They had beer.) Terry here till 11:00. Then in his room till 11:30. I’m 99% sure that Terry isn’t. But oh that 1%! (2/19/58); and “Terry Came up before work. He is great. He ‘is’ but is fighting it & m admit it” (2/26/58) In all of this, Shaun demonstrates some jealousy as well as a very quick acceleration of his fiiendship with Terry, much as he does in his relationships in general as I explained in chapter 5 (and he is still dating Laura). More importantly, however, this last entry also highlights his own identity struggle as it now stands—he has admitted his being gay, but, while he has come close at times, he has not yet fully accepted it. 188 In a further reflection on the state of his sexual identity, in place of the 2/29/58 spot (not needed), Shaun writes, “I’m in love with someone who will never, and can never, love me.” And true to form, since the relationship cannot become sexual, it begins to wane; by 3/2/5 8, he writes “The novelty has worn off a great deal [with T.].” He continues to express sadness related to Terry, writing on 3/13/58: “T & I are definitely thru. I am extremely sad. . . . T. & Gus left without me to eat--who could have believed it. . . . Do I hate life in general or just me. . . . The saddness overwhelms me” The next day, he wonders if he and Terry can at least be “inseperable fiiend[s,]” if not lovers (3/14/58). Perhaps all this, plus hearing that same day at work that “John said Laura told him I ‘don’t even hold her hand.’ Maybe I shall --” (3/14/58) sends Shaun back to Laura, with whom he has dinner, after which he writes, “Laura’s now serious--am 1” (3/22/58). It is an important question, but not one he is fully ready to answer, at least honestly. For example, for a short time, Terry does become Shaun’s plutonic friend, and in another important indication of his struggling sexuality, Shaun notes: “Life is good. T as a serious fiiend is now a good pal & that’s it. Yippee! I’m free of ‘that feeling’” (3/23/58). By “that’s it,” he is probably reemphasizing that there is no sex, and by “free of ‘that feeling,”’ he is trying to indicate he does not want any. Also by referring to a significant part of his sexual identity as “that feeling,” he seems to be trying to minimize it, or at least to believe that “feelings” can perhaps be changed or ignored. A few days later, he goes to dinner and a movie with Laura, after which he notes in his diary that he “Made mild progress” (3/27/58), which could mean both progress toward suppressing his homosexual feelings as well as becoming more serious with Laura (which are of course related). It is still a struggle, however, as the next day, Shaun writes “Met Rick & he & I came here” (3/28/58), followed by shopping with Laura (3/29/58) and sex with Bill 189 (3/31/58). He soon notes, “I need ‘you know what Mm (4/2/58), which he gets with Bill on 4/4, but on 4/5/5 8, he indicates he is about to crack: “My head aches either because of a blow (physical) or mental strain.” Given all the above, the strain is probably “mental,” especially since he does not record either being hit or hitting anything. Probably not helping his mental strain any, his sexual relationships with men continue in between seeing Laura: 4/7/58 Brian, 4/11 Burl, 4/14 Laura (drinks and records), 4/16 Rick, 4/18 Burl, 4/23 Rick, 4/25 Burl, 4/30 Bill, 5/2 Laura (drinks), 5/3 Burl, 5/7 Laura (coke, “bored”), and 5/9 Dustin Kart (someone he meets in a restroom who turns out to sit behind him in one of his classes) followed by Burl. However, on 5/4/58, besides writing that he wants to find someone intelligent and cute, he also writes “Must meet someone whom I can be m with,” which could relate to his battle for secrecy as well as contribute to his mental strain. On 5/16/58, he goes to a dance with Laura, writing “Not too enjoyable but we danced ..... Tomorrow I must find ne_w stuff. I feel I must go ‘straight’ to preserve sanity sometimes but I sure see good material at Johns & around.” His last statement is again significant in how it highlights his sexual identity struggle, which perhaps has turned into a crisis (though not as big of a crisis as he will face after graduating from college).68 Further evidence of this crisis is in his entry dated 5/29/58: “Cruised until 12:10--no luck. I feel quite alone. I need something & feel a definite lack. Life is shallow & I’ve got a heck of an outlook. Wish had an inseperable--like Joe was.” Such an “inseparable” will not, however, be Laura: Home--called laura--no luck. Called Burl (showered) Burl over 5:10 - 6:15 & we had nice (’3) time. Then . . . . Laura & I had Coke atjohns ’8 Around this time, he writes a paper for one of his classes entitled, as he puts it, “‘Comm. symbols among the Unrecog. Minority group’--Homos” (5/19/58), which would probably be interesting to read if it were available. 190 Grille till 9:30--home & T.V. The last few days I have been extremer depressed (amid joyous spurts of elation) and am searching for a certain ‘something’ that I realize is n_ot to be found. Life seems shallow, empty & purposeless. I wonder? Laura leaves me as cold as an onion & I won’t miss her a bit. [In the top margin of the page, he adds: “I want a live wire & Laura is n_ot such as I want!”] (6/1/58) His realization that what he is searching for is not to be found seems important, though perhaps misguided; what seems to be really in need of being found is his full acceptance of his sexual identity, as well as someone with whom to share more than just sex, though that is still important to him (and not difficult for him to find). From his other entries, it is clear he knows he is gay; indeed, in this entry, he admits that Laura is not going to make him happy. He does, however, console himself with more cruising and sex the following days until graduation from college on 6/8/58. It will be another seven and a half years, though, until he finally accepts his sexual identity, an acceptance that occurs only after a significant crisis and long recovery period during his post-college years. Shaun’s Post-College Sexual Identity Formation Shaun’s final period of sexual identity formation is rocked by a significant crisis, a crisis involving a significant loss in his battle for secrecy. In fact, his sexual identity formation in this post-college period can itself be broken down into four periods related to this crisis (based on his entries): pre-crisis (6/9/58 — 10/18/59), crisis and fallout (10/19/59 — 5/20/61), post-crisis recovery (5/21/61 — 12/31/64), and return to acceptance (1/1/65 — 12/31/66). Interestingly, but not surprisingly, besides some key entries in the diary related to his crisis, what also contributes to differentiating these four periods is the frequency with which he has sex, which is very much linked to his sexual identity 19] formation struggles. Importantly, in all of these periods, Shaun continues to demonstrate that he is using his diary to extemalize—and even compose—his sexual identity. Pre-Crisis: 6/9/58 — 10/18/59 During Shaun’s pre-crisis period, his struggles with his sexual identity as extemalized in his diary entries are characterized by his recording significantly more gay sex, continued facework, and more frequent bouts with depression, all within the context of his battle for secrecy. On 9/3/5 8, he begins teaching in Huntsville at the high school in which he had his four-week student teaching assignment. He has an apartment in Sandersville, about ten miles from the school; both Huntsville and Sandersville are near Udderton, his hometown (approximately nine and eighteen miles away, respectively). About his apartment, he notes that he “felt very depressed to leave College Town but feel better tonite--since saw apt.” (6/9/5) Certainly, his leaving College Town after having lived there for four years could contribute to a feeling of depression, but also to a feeling of displacement, a feeling he may have already felt in relation to being gay in a homophobic society, as I will further discuss at the end of the next section, below. Whatever the case, he seems glad to have his apartment (which he will occupy full time starting on 9/1/58), later recording “[I] miss my apt & ‘it”’ (7/22/58; he is working as a camp counselor in another state). The “it” refers to “sex,” as other diary entries have shown; also, on 6/26/58, he and Bill spent the day cleaning the apartment and “really had a nice time.” That sex and his apartment are related is important; he certainly takes advantage of living alone by having lots of company, which suits him well on one hand, but increases his fear of discovery on the other, as he notes on 8/31/58, the night before he moves in: A “I dread & anticipate my apt. I’d love to have B.W. over for the lst nite but impossible.” All of this contributes to his sexual identity struggles in this period. 192 Whether it is a matter of Shaun having a private place in which to entertain guests, or a matter of his above-quoted extemalized realization toward the end of college that Laura was not going to make him happy (see pp. 190-191), Shaun does have a lot more gay sex during these sixteen post-college/pre-crisis months (with twenty different partners, including six from his college days) than he did during his last sixteen months in college (in which he had ten different partners, including one from his pre-college days): 120 times versus 71 times (averaging 7.5 times and 4.4 times a month, respectively). His comments related to this sex include “prolonged & sweet” (6/26/58) and “unabandoned bliss” (2/ 1 4/5 9). At one point, he is even worried about “wear[ing] out” Bill Wright (2/3/59), as they had sex sixteen times during eleven meetings in a one-month period. However, he is still not satisfied, as evidenced by his recording forty-nine declarations of “need[ing] it” and, mostly separately, recording cruising for sex sixty times, but not always successfully (a few of these entries include both his record of needing it and subsequently cruising). However, he also records “not needing it” four times, including “Don’t need it yet” (8/12/59), but only giving clues to the context in one entry: “Rick Stevens & I napped & fun! . . . . [two others came to cottage] I’ve got all I want of ‘it’ I guess. Wow! . . . . Burl & I later (8/28/59). What seems to be especially important in all of this in terms of his sexual identity struggle is that while he has lots of sex, he still has not yet found exactly what he is looking for: a companion, presumably someone to provide him with more than just sex (though sex is still important to him). For example, during this post-college, pre-crisis period, he records how he needs to find someone “new” thirteen times (compared to four in college). That this need goes beyond sex is perhaps evidenced by his also writing “God can I ever gain an inseperable friend I like?” (6/20/58), “I pine for . . . a true fiiend” (6/21/58), and “I’m lonesome & need someone” 193 (7/14/58). However, it could also be related to Shaun’s need for excitement, as I explained above, but his use of “pine,” for example, seems to support the former interpretation at this point in his life. More importantly, especially as further evidence of his continued sexual identity struggle, he is still wondering if this person will be male or female: “Days passing ok now. Not overanxious for home but need ‘it.’ I’m lonesome-- marriage?” (7/11/58); “Need ‘it.’ Bill W. & I --- tomorrow. I need a gi_r_l m!” (11/28/58); “Felt m depressed last day or two. . . . My gosh I need something. . . . I need a pal or gal” (4/23/59); and “I am quite dissatisfied with life, me & other people. I feel withdrawn, unloved & not needed. I need someone but who? Straight or gay?” (8/7/59). Between these entries are of course many others in which he records having sex with men and dating women, especially Elaine Dixon, one of the teachers he observed during his student teaching days and now his colleague, and with whom he has been meeting for dinner, movies, and beers from time to time. Some of the more interesting entries about her in relation to Shaun’s sexual (as well as social) identity include: “E. phoned. She’s beginning to wear off for me!” (10/1/58); “E. fed Ed tonite [her former fiance']--piss on her, eh? (10/7/58); “E. is cool to me so piss on her. I’ll be cool to her” (10/13/58); “E & I very cool--Piss on her--she’ll unbend lst” (1 1/18/58); “Phoned E. Busy (Piss on her--that’s it believe me)” (12/11/58); “Phoned E. She’s more receptive now after ‘cool period’” (2/19/59); and “Phoned Elaine. . . . She’s not coming back next yr. darn it!” (7/21/59). His disappointment in her not coming back is a bit surprising considering how he treated her, but how he treated her could have had a lot to do with his sexual identity struggles. After all, when he wanted sex, he did not turn to her; for example, on 4/22/59, he had sex with Jerry Lee Mills in between dinner & roller skating 194 with Elaine. As Shaun put it, “Needed it & got it nicely!” Last, while dating Elaine, he also saw Roberta from his college days a couple of times and dated Rose Marshall, whom he met at a drugstore and will especially date in his post-crisis period, even considering marriage. Even though he knows he is gay, the fact that Shaun is still trying to decide on male versus female after all these years of struggle shows the magnitude of the issue for him, especially as he increasingly feels depressed. Shaun records feeling depressed much more frequently than he did in college. He uses the word “depressed” in ten entries in college (five in relation to his love for heterosexual Terry, which I discussed above), beginning on 3/24/57, and culminating in his statement I quoted above about searching for something that cannot be found (6/1/58; see pp. 190-191). In this post-college/pre-crisis period, he uses “depressed” (or “blue”) sixteen times. He did not use it prior to 3/24/5 7. Nearly all of these relate to needing to find a fiiend, sometimes for sex (e.g., “very depressed! . . . . Need it” [3/25/59]), but mostly to alleviate his feelings of loneliness (e.g., “Gee but I’m lonley & feel blue. Not a friend I guess” [1 1/25/58]). Similarly, he uses variations of “mentally disturbed/sick/tired/ strained/conflicted” in a negative sense three times before college, twice in college, and four times after college. Most of these are in relation to being gay, some of which I quoted above. However, he also uses the term in a positive way once in college and six times after college (e.g., “I’m mentally at ease for awhile!” [2/15/59; he met a new person for sex and saw Bill W.]). One entry in particular, a memorandum-like entry which Shaun writes on the unneeded 2/29/59 page, highlights his depression, but puts it within the context of his battle for secrecy, especially now that he is a teacher: ’ Summary of year so far. When month began felt depressed and alone. Still do to a degree but I'm finding compensation for my inadequacy (or 195 adequacy) J .L.M. & Gary S. may help me over the depression hump [in sexual ways]. On no account do I wish to hazard my Huntsville career. (Can I have my cake & eat it too? Maybe--if I play it carefully. Fear grips me subconsciously but I hope--[)]. With this, entry, he reemphasizes his battle for secrecy, a battle that has become increasingly important since he started teaching full time. That his battle for secrecy has gained in importance during this period is evidenced by six particular entries in his diary. For example, on 10/5/58, he writes Cruised near police station, I had a surething but didn’t follow thru-- “chicken.” Then at 3:05 saw “Man of the West” [star]ing Gary Cooper-- 80¢. No luck in the show (fair show.) Then cruised--same place. Choice of t_w_g! I took lead & we went for a drive near a lake in town. I was rather apathetic but enjoyed it. 5:45 — 6: 1 5. Here about 6:40. Ate. T.V. bath. Wrote [a fiiend] & bed 11:00. What is especially important about his entry is that in the margin at the top, he concludes “Believe me it’s a ‘gay’ world. Bring no_n§ to Apt.!” highlighting his fear of discovery. Even so, he does not follow this advice and brings several people to his apartment, which prompts an entry later that signifies an even increased fear: “Tim took apt. belo_w me-- watch out, O’Hare!” (10/7/59) Tim is a business teacher at the same high school, and Shaun seems to be afraid of being outed. Indeed, earlier he had written that a co-worker saw him with one of his friends, and that he “Pray[ed] [his] secret is safe” (3/21/59) followed by “Secret safe?” on 3/22/59. After Tim moves into the apartment, Shaun writes “Piss, dam, crap etc he moved in (Highly inconvienent)” (10/8/59). In the margin at the top of this entry, he writes “Hope Tim moves out. Just when I love it he’s here.” 196 Both of these statements are especially important, as they indicate Shaun may have finally come to accept his sexual identity despite his desire for secrecy, as evidenced by his “loving” how his life is going and calling the threat of exposure “inconvenient.” He reiterates his feelings on 10/1 5/5 9, but also clarifies that while the threat of exposure may be inconvenient, secrecy is still important: “Lovable life, keep the secrets!” Ironically, just as it seems he may have finally accepted his sexual identity, a crisis occurs which sends him (and his sexual identity) into a tailspin, especially as it partially ends his battle for secrecy. Crisis and Fallout: 10/19/59 — 5/20/61 Shaun's crisis, which will result in his sexual identity tailspin, begins in the evening of 10/19/59, when he receives a summons to the police station: “Police phoned & down there till 12:10 [am]. Dear God, the questions & grilling I had. If Huntsville & my folks hear of this I’m better off dead (maybe God)[.] Dear God show me to [sic] way to clearing my name & keeping my Huntsville Career. I am guiltless of the accusations!” It turns out that one of his fiiends, with whom he has been having a sexual relationship, is not yet eighteen. Shaun’s immediate reaction is to worry about his school and parents finding out, followed by wanting to clear his name so he can keep his career, and for this he asks for God’s help. In fact, for almost the next seven years, he will immerse himself in religion, praying to God for help and even a “cure” for his homosexuality (a word he uses on 1/29/60 and 10/10/60). That the issue to him is one of homosexuality and not having had sex with someone underage becomes clear in the diary as he works his way through the fallout and into recovery and beyond. The next day, “after almost no sleep,” he meets with his priest and makes his “1 st good conf in about 8 yrs. Felt wonderful. Home & recited rosary & prayed much” 197 (10/20/59). He learns that he may not be arrested but may have to go to an institution for a short time, an idea about which he declares “Anything to keep Huntsville & [his] folks from knowing” (10/20/59). On 10/21/59, he writes the entry I quoted in the introduction to this chapter about his thinking of “running away or suicide.” The next day, after mass, communion, a visit to another priest, more prayer, saying the rosary and again attending church, he declares himself “internally Clean & Holy” (10/22/59), but on 10/23/59, he calls himself “a sinner.” The day after the crisis, he had called in sick to school, and by now he is getting cards and phone calls (and, on 1 1/27/ 59, a “big box of fruit from the Huntsville Teacher’s Club”). On 10/24/59, he learns that he will not be arrested, but he will have to go to an institution (he also writes his students “think I’m drunk & in jail”). In a potentially major move, given his desire for secrecy (perhaps unavoidable in that he will resign his teaching job and be institutionalized)”9 he decides to tell his parents: Then to @ home. I broke the news ([about the institution]) & it hit hard. Never have I seen Morn & Dad cry 50; even [Aunt] Petunia & Gram. God forgive me for the harm I’ve done. To Grarn’s & home several times. Dad will take care of money angle. Oh God, if I had only known I were lucky before. I @ everything. 15 it too late? . . . . Mom & Dad will go to weekly comm. as I asked. The whole thing has brought us closer to God! Not only does this crisis result in the loss of secrecy, but it also pushes Shaun closer to his family (his “gal home”). It is not clear, however, how much he told, especially since after writing that he “broke the news,” he writes the location of the public institution in parentheses, indicating that he may not have given many other details. The next day, ’9 On page one of the 10/29/59 weekly Huntsville paper, there is an article announcing his resignation: “Mr. [Shaun O’Hare]. local high school English teacher, resigned from his teaching duties this week because of illness. The administration greatly regrets the loss of Mr. [O’Hare] from their staff. During his tenure in [Huntsville], Mr. [O’Hare] has contributed much to the educational program.” 198 though, he indicates “Mom, Dad & I chat. Seems to be little actual understanding but lots of help & advice” (10/26/59).7O Also, what Shaun means by having “had everything” and wondering if it is “too late” is not perfectly clear. Based on subsequent entries, though, by “everything,” he could mean a good job (e.g., “A job & I’d be all set” [11/13/59]), and by “too late,” he could mean to “change” his behavior, including whom to choose as an “inseparable” friend: “Shall I marry soon? (Rose?)” (11/8/59). Before worrying about all of this, however, Shaun needs to go to the institution, and his description of the time is quite interesting. Learning that there are fifty people ahead of him on the list for the public institution (10/26/59), he decides to go to a private, Catholic-affiliated one, but it is quite expensive ($600 to $700) (10/30/59). Meanwhile, he reports that “Rumors are flying” (10/27/59), emphasizing that he has not totally given up worrying about secrecy. He then reports to the institution, where he is “Tranquilized & [has] Everything taken away” (10/30/59), and where he stays until 11/12/59. From his entries, it is unclear how much help he receives, especially help that may relate to his sexual identity issues. While there, he notes playing the piano, chatting with the staff, walking, working on moccasins in “occupational therapy,” writing letters, watching television, going to the chapel, attending mass, saying the rosary, shopping at the shopping center across the street, napping, playing Scrabble, reading, and eating: “Lunch (steak). . . . Supper. . . . Big Steaks” (lO/31/59). Four days after his arrival, he does talk with a doctor—“1 5 min. & discussed ‘problem’”—after which he says the rosary at church ( 1 1/3/59; his putting “problem” in quotes perhaps implies he is more worried 70 Perhaps he told them everything—otherwise, I am not sure how he would explain having to go to an institution and quitting his job. I did not find any other entries related to what his family may or may not have known about his sexual identity in the period of the diary I read. 199 about being gay than he is with having sex with someone under eighteen)“ Two days later, he has a “conference” with the doctor (who tells him he “my never teach again”), followed by an hour with a psychologist for a “series of tests” (1 1/5/59) He also notes that day that he is quite “sick at heart” at the possibility of not teaching again. The next day, giving an important hint at the state of his sexual identity struggle, especially as it relates to his teacherly identity, Shaun writes, “God, it is hard to reform. Evils of the mind recur & I fight a seemingly winless battle of the flesh. I pray I can survive. Dear God--let me teach” (1 1/6/59). However, the following day, he declares that “Religion has changed me 100%” (1 1/7/59) and the day after writes the entry in which he wonders if he will many soon (quoted above). On 11/9/59, he notes that “The Grace of God is warming ygy noticebly! . . . . I miss the old patterns very little,” and he learns the following day that he may be able to teach again (he also has a “s_h_9;t conf.” with the doctor [11/10/59]). The day before his release, he writes that he has “made many nice friends here & will hate to leave a little. God show me the way to a better life.” Upon his release on the 12th, he writes that a woman affiliated with the hospital gave him a yellow parakeet, and he declares that he will “miss this place.” In a financially necessary move, but perhaps also a symbolic move away from his “former” life and all that it entailed, Shaun moves in with his grandmother in Udderton. The day after his release, Shaun has drinks with Rose, who has been writing him, but on the following day, he sees his friend from his college and pre-crisis days, Bill W., after which he writes, “I, who couldn’t, fell & Sorry after 100%! Home to Grarn’s & repeat, alone. Terrible!” (1 1/14/59). Later in the same entry, he declares, “If I only had a 7' Also, on 5/5/62, he will note that someone he met is “only 17 not 18,” but he does not clarify if he knew that before or after they “. . .”; either way, it further reinforces my conclusion that Shaun’s agony is over being gay. Even 50, Shaun does not record having “...’ with that particular person again. 200 job to love & occupy me. Man am I mixed up!” This entry is important to Shaun’s sexual identity struggles in three ways. First, it shows how difficult a time he is going to have giving up gay sex. Second, he expresses the idea that being busy will help him overcome his struggles by keepinghim from having gay sex (an idea he had actually expressed before), especially if he is doing something he loves, and he seems to enjoy teaching (which I explore in chapter 7).72 And third, his being “mixed up” characterizes his sexual identity formation throughout this crisis and fallout period; in fact, he remains mixed up throughout the next two periods as well. A major contributor to his feeling of being mixed up is his continued gay sex in the face of wanting to be “cured” of his homosexuality, even though the sex is less frequent than before. In the nineteen-month crisis and fallout period, he has sex twenty- five times (averaging 1.3 per month), compared to 7.4 times per month in the pre-crisis period. On 11/28/59, he again shares the difficulty he faces trying to suppress his homosexuality, writing “I pray I forget ‘it’ for awhile again,” but also noting that “Bill W. wants party badly. (Anflime after school or at 1:00 Sun meet him). A decision.” On Sunday, 11/29/59, he writes “I will be glad someday I didn’t met B.W. but now--I wonder.” Further showing his confusion, he sees Rose the next day, afterwards writing 7” His wanting to be busy in this sense may first occur as one of his 1958 New Year’s resolutions: “To be busy busy busy” (1/2/58), but this could also be about wanting lots of sex. For example, earlier in the diary, he writes “Just between you & me I’m bored by inactivity & crave excitement & friends” (8/29/56). The excitement he craves is usually sex related, especially in light of his statements related to sometimes being bored with his sexual partners and needing someone new (as I discussed above in relation to Joe [pp. 169-170] and in relation to finding the right person [p. 195]). Post-crisis, perhaps he thinks if he keeps busy, he will not engage in any more gay sex. A more explicit entry implying the dangers of inactivity is “Veg lonely, bored & M have busy summer or else” (5/26/59). The “or else” may imply he fears what will happen if he remains lonely and bored. Indeed, later during that summer, he noted, “I feel better--busy mind & body” (7/3/59; he was in graduate school, going to his cottage on weekends where he visited friends—plutonic on that particular day—and did his homework). Other examples of this idea in its presently evolved state include: “God I need a job to ocuppy my mind” (1 1/15/59); “Anticipate school & busy activities” (8/31/60); and, showing what can happen if he does not stay busy, “Home 3:15 T.V. & bored. Weakned again!” (12/26/59). He will cling to this idea until he finally forms his sexual identity at the end of 1966. 201 “I feel great. 15 Rose the one?” (1 1/30/59). They have been dating, including seeing Pillow Talk with Doris Day on 11/25. Perhaps to make up for his lack of sex, he has been masturbating a lot, which he also terms “falling” (but without using the ellipses): “I fell again today! (This aft) & later tonite (twice!)” (1 1/27/59). He still has sex, however, which greatly distresses him: To R. Lake, Mistake no. one. T.V. & Chat. B.W. & I chat & no. two I felt sickened by my rotten & disgusting attitude. I fear a repercussion of St. J. I couldn’t take it! T.V. & bed 10:00 & repeat alone. I will deny myself Holy Comm. all week as a punishment. God help me! (12/1/59) Despite his intentions, he writes the next day: “I alone fell tonight. What is wrong with me. God what a mess I am. Need help” (12/2/59). However, on 12/5/59, he spends the day with Rose, declaring “Feels great to be in grace again.” But by 12/25/59, he writes “Do I need it, wow!” and in the top margin of the entry, “I hate myself.” In an effort to improve his self image, Shaun attends church at least twice a day (mass in the morning, confession, rosary, devotions, and/or Stations of the Cross in the evening); he is also reading Lives of Saints. Quite tellingly in terms of his present sexual identity formation, he writes: “God, I recognize my defect show me how to live with it” (1/1/60). Again, he is “defected” and needs to be “fixed,” and at this point, it is God who he believes can fix him. Even so, he also understands the difficulty: “What a funny faith I have God, I’m on the border one side Leally pulling & one faintly pushing!” (1/14/60). Along these lines, Shaun writes: “Fell twice today & swear never again” (1/15/60) and “Bill W. & I to [illegible] & then I fell here too” (1/22/60). But at the top of the last entry, he notes “filer do ‘it’ again.” Soon thereafter, he tries to reassure himself that his “faith is catching on. . . . I’m happy?” (1/27/60), but again asks, “God, will I ever be 202 cured? I wonder!” (1/29/60). Naturally, all of this leads to depression: “ng depressed. Bed 10:00. Tired, ache & feel low. God help me!” (1/31/60). Fortunately, the 1960 diary volume publisher once again provides the monthly memoranda template pages, and Shaun uses them to further extemalize his identity moves (showing how the technology of the diary continues to promote his identity composition). In the memorandum for January, he writes, “I thought I’d be happy again if all went well. I guess I’ll never be satisfied. God has been on my side all the way! I hereby renew my vow to him.” His sexual identity struggles are much too severe to be so easily solved, however. Still feeling “alone & depressed” (2/6/60), he acknowledges that “The old urges subdued for awhile but still here! God help me!” (2/8/60), followed by “Became hot 1/2 way in idea only. Tried but would I have? God only knows but probably would! A sin? I wonder. . . . I need a substitute for it or I’ll flip soon for sure!” (2/9/60) and “The inner fights I have--Dear God if I could do it never again!” (2/1 1/60). But of course it is not so easy to give up, as he also notes at the top of that entry: “I need a release.” Indeed, be next notes “I fell tonite (after 2 weeks). . . . Now fall again? Either that or go nuts!” (2/ 12) and “I really fell twice today!” (2/13/60). Consequently, he notes, “I feel m, sinful, confused, fat & full--weigh 203 naked!” (2/14/60). Compounding most of these problems, Shaun notes that he “B111 again” (2/15/60); “Fell once today. I shall reform now!” (2/16/60); “God has been good to me. Didn’t fall today” (2/18/60); “slipped again. God help me” (2/19/60); “1 @ again!” (2/24/60); and “Bill W. & I to Leweston . . . . We had ok time. Cof. Then on way home cigs etc. God help me. . . . Will I ever be whole?” (2/26/60). His last question is also important in terms of his sexual identity formation; he realizes that to feel “whole,” he must resolve his struggle. 203 To help him resolve his struggle, he again turns to God: “To Conf, stations & rosary. ms time I mean it!” (2/27/60). All of this shows a heavy connection between his religious identity and his sexual identity, but in the February memorandum, he is more reflective: “Thank Heaven for Feb. over & beginning of March. If God grants me grace I will form a perfect Lent of prayer, mass rosary & sacrafice. . . . If only I could form a successful marriage & family now all would be perfect.” It is not to be, however, as subsequent daily entries show: “I’m tempted constantly--sometimes very severe. Need grace” (3/4/60; he also notes he is down to 191 pounds); “Feel low. . . . Tempted terribly yet true so far” (3/7/60); “God has been so good. I repeat daily, ‘How does this look in the lites of eternity’” (3/8/60); “I nearly fell today but may make 3rd week yet” (3/12/60); “I’m not sure if I slipped in nite or ‘natural causes’” (3/13/60); “The Devil is very real & God help me I m it!” (3/15/60); “I fell lst time in Lent! Will I w?” (3/20/60; perhaps by “ever,” he means “reform”); “Fell again in AM (3 times in 24 hrs)” (3/21/60); “Need R. R. or gamma-life is dull!” (3/25/60); and “Harland & I T.V. till 1:00 & watched T.V. in moderation. . . . I wish I could control me!” (3/26/60) In an effort to improve his will, he declares, once again, “I’m going back to religion again--the only method of salvation (fell 3 times now! [)]” (3/27/60). He feels “m depressed & listless & on edge & grouchy” (3/28/60). The next day, he sees Rose after church and wishes they “could jell a relationship!” (3/29/60). Yet, he writes “I fell agaia! I’m hopeless I guess” (4/1/60). Again emphasizing the current state of his sexual identity formation, Shaun reiterates, “God Help me--I’m mixed up!” (5/2/60) and declares that “Life is sure odd I must say! Wish I were’married, in Fla. [i.e., far away] & not gay but nicely happy” (4/24/60). His wishing himself “not gay” is significant, because it shows he realizes he is gay; however, 204 he is not ready to accept this and works toward the marriage part of his desires, continuing to date Rose, but acknowledging “Cool to Rose. (She’s a poor substitute!)” 5/5/60. And even though he continues trying to suppress being gay—“Felt gay all day & fought it” (5/25/60)—he cannot. Indeed, he will have sex with men seven times in May and June 1960, the most of any of the other months in this crisis and fallout period. After having sex two days in a row with two different people, he wonders, “How can I, I am perplexed & will start anew” (5/31/60) Along these lines, in the May memorandum, he writes: Life is delicious. I have 2 chances in life. God showed the way & I must stay on it or else. It is so hard-~I’ve tried, God knows--but maybe not hard enough. I don’t realize how lucky I am--I know that I don’t know what I want, or should do in life, sometimes. I know if I were stronger I would always lead the best life possible. I’m going to try again, Saturday, but I’m afraid I’ll fall again. While Shaun does not fall the following Saturday, he does fall twice soon after. As usual, he feels badly about it, but he realizes it will happen yet again: “I swear never again but I know better. I feel so alone & need help!” (6/9/60) In between all of these entries, Shaun does find another teaching job, this time at a junior high school in Riverton. When he is offered the job, he writes “Dread school near home-rumors” (l U] 6/59). He first visits the school to see if he will like it, writing that he does, but he also notes his worries over secrecy: “If only I could teach there--unafraid & secure” (11/19/59). Despite writing “I won’t take it--too close to everything” (1 1/20/59), he takes the job anyway, eventually writing “From here on in, only Almighty God can help me. In my spiritual life I need His help badly. In my profession I need his 205 help to quell all talk that may come” (12/6/59). He then visits Huntsville, where he learns that “Evegyone knows about Riverton & W.R [West Riverton Junior High]. . . . Fear news will be out. Why don’t they shut up?” (12/14/59). Also, he chats with Tim, his former colleague who had moved in below him, and learns “ALI of Huntsville knows where I am” (12/16/59). He spends much of the school year worrying about continued secrecy: “Is word leaking finally or dying?” (1/10/60); and “As I understand it talk goes on & I have much to fear. Dear God Help me” (1/11/60). He will complete the year, however, without too much incident related to this. However, not only does Shaun have to worry about being further exposed; he is also still agonizing over his sexual behavior, showing that his two battles are still being fought: his battle for secrecy (with an altered focus now that his family knows something) and his battle for personal acceptance. The rest of his entries in this period are similar to the previous ones in that they show Shaun agonizing over still needing men, but also dating women. In fact, he will record his first major sexual experience with a woman on 6/18/60: “Back to Sallys 6 - 9:00 & torrid love made. I guess Conf. in am. but I’m not sure. . . . Must I be sinful to ‘go straight’?” It is interesting that he seems to believe sex with a woman before marriage is sinful, especially when he has so much sex with men. He will record no more sex with a woman in the rest of the diary period I read. However, he still does not know what he wants, at least as he extemalizes his feelings: “I wish I knew what I wanted or want!” (7/3/60). He still tries to suppress his gaiety, though, declaring “Harland gay but not me, thank God!” (7/14/60). Ironically, after sex with his friend Burt, Shaun even writes “Burts depressed over last nite & fighting his gayness” (7/24/60), followed by “Glad I gave up Gaiety for good!” (7/29/60). Shaun has a bit of a breakthrough/epiphany on 7/31/60, however, when he writes “bed at 10:30 with that old feeling. I guess I’ll 206 never truly become straight.” Even so, he notes in his July 1960 memorandum: “May Aug find me more Holy, patient & in love with Rose. Life is becoming more of a problem now but I have developed a conscience. God has been good to me. Blessed be God!” On 8/1/60, he notes “I fell again today. . . . I feel depressed over gaiety,” and on 8/7/60 he notes “Bored 100% with Rose, believe me . . . I am nervous & anti-social. I am dis-interested in evemhing. Some ‘old’ fear exists but not all. Why, when I’m in grace, am I not happy!?” A good question, and one to which he probably knows the answer, but his having to ask it shows he has still not reconciled his identity struggles. His situation looks promising, though, as he seems to be able to continue to admit being gay, but he will not let himself experience his sexuality without guilt. Perhaps because of this guilt, around this time he begins a period of celibacy in terms of other people (“At least I’m gay with just me now” [8/15/60]), which lasts nearly two and a half months. On 8/22/60, he declares “I’m changing well!” However, in his August 1960 memorandum, he writes “I’ve fallen again. There is no hope I guess & I feel full of despair. God willing, this school year will be successful. If only I could be content & know what I want, but I dont!” He is encouraged on 9/14/60, because, when he attends a Parent/Teacher Organization meeting, as he writes, “Rose & I sat next to Greg (another buddy) but I’m 100% straight all the way.” Perhaps to give himself more encouragement, on 9/17/60, he begins the practice of keeping an “abstinence count” in the top margins of the daily entries in his diary, a practice he will continue through 12/31/66, resetting the count to zero each time he either masturbates or has sex with someone. This count will play a very important part later in the diary (indicating when Shaun makes significant progress toward accepting his homosexual behavior); it goes as high as forty—three days this first time, not counting 10/3/60 (on which he records having 207 “a powerful nocturnal emission--refreshing & ‘legal’ [with an arrow pointing to the count]--enjoyed it!”). After several “Marat” temptations (10/18/60), Shaun resets this count on 10/24/60 (“‘Soloed’ again 3rd time! Bed 9:30 rightly depressed. God help me now! I can’t live with or without. Jesus Mercy!”) The next day, he once again declares “need a girl now!” (10/25/60). In fact, he goes so far as to declare “If Sat. [tomorrow] will get here I will be strait forever more--I’m certain” (1 0/26/60). Three days later, he “Fell again and again” (10/29/60), and on 10/30/60, he indicates he “must soon think of marriage. God help me.” Yet, in the October memorandum, he writes, “God I’m so lonely & afraid[;] is this [having gay friends] so bad? I ar_ay not! Warn me gently if so but in the name of Jesus no more shock treatment [like his crisis]. Jesus, Mary & Joseph pray for me now & at the hr of my death.” In December, he declares “a raging battle again between ----” (12/26/60), presumably meaning accepting his behavior or continuing to try to suppress it (he had seen Bill W. that day, but they did not have sex, about which Shaun seems grateful: “Glad (in a way)”). The stakes of this battle are high for him, as Shaun declares: “Jesus, Mary & Joseph save me from Hell” (1/4/61) In an indication that he is about to move on, however, he writes on 3/10/61 that he will “now solo but am really gay ready!” He begins having more gay sex, but not without guilt. After skating with Rose, he writes that he had a “Lousey time-Ea] hetro--guess that’s it from now on!” (5/10/61) and after playing cards withRose and some of their fiiends, “Jesus I am lonely! A gay reject (me)” (5/12/61). He has now once again extemalized an acknowledgment that he is gay, but he is still not ready to fully accept gay behavior, as he writes on V 5/19/61: “Feel gay & shouldn’t so soon!” As these “crisis and fallout period” diary entries show, Shaun feels guilty about being gay, masturbating, and having gay sex. In theorizing ethnicity, especially as it 208 relates to race, sociologist Richard Sennett argues that “the creation of an ethnic identity entails a considerable amount of guilt,” which he defines as “awareness of transgression” (199). In his diary, Shaun demonstrates how creating one’s sexual identity involves guilt too, and he also reveals much awareness of his perceived transgressions. He also experiences much “paralyzing emotion,” which Sennett also discusses in relation to forming an ethnic identity apart from a racial identity and illustrates through various questions: “How could you leave us? What right do you have to be different? Why should you survive?” Sennett calls this “an inner endless tape of self-accusation” and declares, “this inner voice, which only the author hears, is one point of unity between racial and ethnic experience” (199). Shaun’s writing shows how sexual identity moves are similar, how they are questioned in similar ways. Also, because Shaun’s diary extemalizes his inner voice, readers are given the chance to better understand his identity moves, including how such questions as above can problematize the unification between sexual behavior and sexual identity, particularly for gay people. Sexual identity moves are similar to ethnic identity moves in other ways as well; as Sennett explains, “ethnicity is a sense of identity established by an awareness of difference, and this awareness of difference comes in turn through a history of displacement” (198). This, too, can apply to sexuality (and Shaun) in a way. Shaun’s history of displacement includes his leaving home for college, leaving college after graduation, and leaving his first teaching position (indeed, in between college and moving into an apartment, he notes “I hate readjustment” [6/20/58]), but it also includes his being gay in a heterosexist and homophobic society, which, combined with sexual identity struggles fueled by an awareness of difference, could certainly have left him feeling displaced. Related to Shaun’s awareness of difference is his practice of marking. 209 Similar to his practice of marking racial differences as I explained in chapter 4, he also sometimes uses marking to identify gay people during this and other periods in his diary. His doing so is perhaps a move to differentiate himself from them—to “show” himself that he is not gay by invoking heterosexual privilege in a way similar to his invoking white privilege to show how his life is “morally neutral, normative, and average, and also ideal” (McIntosh 78).73 Examples of his marking sexuality include: “To B.S.U. Institute 9:30 - 10:40. (Bored & left.) Saw ‘gay’ guy from Riverton there--a teacher” (10/16/58); “Haircut $1.75 by gay Mex. barber (Sid’s Friend)” (1 1/12/63; notice also the racial marking); “Letter from a gay Doug from Irwin (1/23/62); “Letter from Cliff Drexler (gay)--ugh!” (3/12/62); “Ran into gay Doug Cooper--he’s ready to be pals. I’m not” (3/31/62) and “To Leweston & Springstown & cruised. Gay Leland & I nice chat” (5/13/64) For Shaun, perhaps, marking Leland and the others as gay helps highlight his desired non-gayness, even though it is from within the context of gay sex, which further highlights Shaun’s sexual identity struggles. However, it is also gay sex— and in particular its increasing frequency after May, 1961—that signals his movement into what I have categorized as the next stage, post-crisis recovery. Post-Crisis Recovery: 5/21/61 — 12/31/64 Shaun’s post-crisis recovery period entries are similar to his crisis and fallout period entries in terms of his continued struggle with accepting his gay behavior, especially within the context of his newly energized religious identity, as well as with his battle for secrecy. Three related characteristics of the period, however, make it different from the previous period: an unconscious acknowledgment of his “true” enemy, an 7’ For an interesting discussion of heterosexual privilege, including its role in teacherly identity and pedagogy, consult Allen. 210 increased frequency of gay sex (but still within a context of continued facework), and his self-professed first “true” gay love. One of Shaun’s first entries in this period is perhaps one of his most ironic: “Dieted all day [weighs 207]. . . . I’ll get to 195 by June 2nd--put on my beachcombers & wow! Jesus, Mary & Joseph, save me from myself” (5/22/61). While probably written tongue-in-cheek, this statement highlights what could be called his true enemy—himself. That he was perhaps his own worst enemy is supported by his statements of self-hatred, mostly in relation to having—or trying to have—gay sex, including those from before (“I hate myself” 10/25/59) as well as those from this period: “Ugh--how I sometimes hate me!” (6/27/62) and “Ugh I hate me at times!” (6/4/64). Also, he still frames his sexual identity struggles within the context of “What is wrong with me?” (5/25/64) and instead of confronting his struggles, he literally retreats into religion: “Retreat tomorrow. God, help! The world is calling hard!” (10/17/63). Perhaps calling Shaun his own worst enemy is not fair; after all, if homosexuality had been an accepted part of life in society and religion, he might have grown up without these sexual identity issues (though he may still have had other issues, including his body image issues). Also, confronting oneself can be very difficult. A statement he writes during the particular retreat he references is also quite telling, however, especially as it highlights the effects of one’s religious identity on forming one’s sexual identity. Shaun writes that he talked to the priest “about minor prob (not major one) Great advice. Got ferver today” (10/20/63). Given other entries, his “minor problem” could be masturbation, while his “major one” is probably having gay sex, especially considering all that he has recently written in his diary, particularly in relation to “falling.” As for what advice he received, Shaun does not say. That 211 masturbation was a sin for Catholics in 1963 is clear; Pope Pius XI reaffirmed it in his 1930 encyclical about Christian marriage, Casti Connubii, as sociologist William V. D'Antonio explains (396), and Shaun was worried about sin (e.g., “May I quit sin forever” [9/7/60] and “may days of no sin!” [2/2/63]). However, writing about heterosexual masculine sexuality in relation to the Catholic confession, philosophers Larry May and James Bohman discuss their own experiences growing up Catholic in the pre Vatican II days, concluding that while masturbation was considered a sin, “the penances were very minor” given that such behavior “was expected” (140).74 Furthermore, the act of confession, they explain, enabled the priest to forgive it (140). Whether or not May’s and Bohman’s experiences were characteristic of all Catholic males who went to confession, particularly those who were homosexual, Shaun, based on his “great advice” statement, seems less worried, at least about his “minor problem,” especially now that he has “got[ten] fervor,” as he writes. Shaun’s sexual identity struggles, however, were probably not helped much with whatever advice he did receive, at least based on other entries he wrote related to having fervor: “God you are with me & you are evemhing” (3/15/62); “God let me live for you alone. Let me realize nothing else exists” (5/14/62); and “When will I realize only God can make me happy!” (5/7/63) Also, a couple months after the retreat, he writes “Now I hope God will help me with my problems!” (12/1/63), and well into the next year, after cruising at a local shopping center, he is still wondering, “What is wrong with me?” (5/25/64). Given Shaun’s 7" “Pre Vatican 11 days” refers to the time before the Second Vatican Council (1962 — 1965; the first Vatican Council ended in 1870 [“The Second”]). Vatican II, as explained by one Catholic website, introduced changes designed to “increase the fervour and energy of Catholics”; among other changes, it enabled local languages to be used during mass instead of Latin (“The Second”). Since D’Antonio explains that changes to doctrine related to sexuality were not decided until later (when Pope Paul VI issued Humane Vitae [on Human Life] in 1968) (396), Shaun’s priest would have been guided by the Casti C onnubii. 212 religious identity and the social contexts of the times, it is not surprising that he is having trouble fully accepting his sexual identity, an identity which includes “self-images about sexual behaviors, attitudes, and feelings about sexuality” as Cass explains, as I wrote above (ctd. in Eliason 35). What is surprising is that even within these contexts, Shaun seems to understand that being gay is not his fault, as evidenced by his writing, “God help me to bear the Cross He has given me!” (2/4/63). Even though he still considers being gay a cross to bear, he does not blame himself. But to fully come to an acceptance of his sexual identity, he will have to find a way to overcome his anguish over his gay behavior, behavior which still bothers him a great deal. Even though Shaun is bothered by his gay behavior, he engages in more of it than he did in the last period. During this post-crisis recovery period, he has gay sex 105 times in 43 months (averaging 2.4 per month, nearly doubling the last period’s average of 1.3 times per month). Yet, he still engages in facework by dating women, especially Rose, even though “Rose bores me silly! No more Rose. (If I could, huh?)” (7/6/61). His parenthetical remark indicates he knows what he wants, but also that he will not let himself fully achieve it. For example, on 7/24/61, he goes to the library to study (he is working on his master’s degree), after which he writes “Connected & saw old pal in lib base hangout. . . . Chatted with s_we_ll looking gal (& her friend) wow!” While he may have been commenting on their looks with his “wow,” he is, in effect, externalizing his identity crisis, especially after just having had sex with an old pal. A few days later, he notes: “Chat with a bunch of gals. (I gag be popular)” (7/27/61), which suggests another reason for this continued facework—his ego needs to be fed, as he himself once noted in relation to having asked two women out on dates in college (discussed above). Whatever the case, his dating women is still not working for him, despite statements like 213 “I’ve reformed: Happy--trusting--good Christian?” (6/16/61), as he notes: “Getting homey again” [abstinence count is at 17]” (11/13/61). In a move that is especially significant to his recovery, while he is dating Rose, he meets Ken Vailor, who will very quickly become the first “real” gay love of his life. Shaun is introduced to Ken by a mutual fiiend, Charles, who brings Ken on a visit to Shaun’s cottage, as Shaun notes: “T.V. & beer--me 4 bottles. Charles swim.--cold. Ken & I 10 min chat. Charles & I 1/2 hr. chat Ken & I 11 to 5:30 chatted. Best yet” (8/19/61). Obviously quite excited, Shaun writes the next day, They left about 12:00. Ken m he’s coming up Sun. nite till mon eve. (He works 6 da. wk.) Hope 50! Never before so gay! . . . . As I write this I can only think of the perfect friendship of Ken & I! I hope this keeps on so nice! Jesus, I need fiiends! (8/20/61) He and Ken write each other four of the five following days, and on one of those days, he gets Ken’s photo; ironically, on another, he also gets a letter and photo from Rose. On the fifth day, he gets “Letters from Ken, Charles & Rose--yyipee” (8/25/61; he also goes cruising, but “no luck”). Ken visits again, and the next day, Shaun writes “more & more & more fun!” (8/28/61). Interestingly, he also writes “I went alone to . . . 7:45 mass & ros. (Told him business) Home hurriedly.” Perhaps Shaun hides his Catholicism from Ken because he is afraid Ken might judge him in some way, or perhaps it lessens Shaun’s feelings of guilt. He does not say. But the next day, he writes “Ken & I break then radio & cof & nice chat. The novelty wore off about 1%--but it should. Never 2 gayer days in my life! Pure bliss & relaxation” (8/29/61). Aside from his frequently expressed concern about the “novelty” wearing off, these last statements indicate Shaun has made progress in recovering fi'om his crisis. These statements, plus his failure to mention that 214 he has “fallen,” indicate that maybe guilt is less of an issue. He does not even declare wanting to reform. Instead, two days later, he declares, “How I miss K.; this is pain & the lst real thing. Beautiful!” (9/1/61). At top of the entry, he indicates, “I’m in Love!” The next day, he gets “2 letters from Ken” and learns “he feels as I do!” (9/2/61). Showing the true power of his recent identity struggles, however, he also notes that day, “To Conf. 8:15 & I _vsa'll try again & try to give up K. but I know I can’t. Jesus I can’t. Rosary. . . .” Based on this, it is possible he confessed everything to the priest, and the priest may have told him to give up Ken. Shaun’s attempt to reform the next day includes “Brandon Glass up. . . . Brandon & I became good fiiends. We finally slept at 3:30 after smoking ect. not really a time like Kemo Sabe! [his nickname for Ken]” (9/3/61). On 9/4/61, he writes “Tried phoning Ken all P.M. . . . Bed 10:25--very sleepy, depressed & ae_ed Kemo Sabe!” His depression is probably due to not being able to reach Ken. He cannot reach him the next day either, but on the day following, Shaun gets two letters. They continue to visit (and in between visits Shaun sees Rose), but by 9/10/61, after Ken arrives late at night (but still in time for ...) Shaun writes “novelty gone for him.” In fact, in his 9/11/61 entry, Shaun indicates: Bed at 5:00 - separate beds. . . . K. up lst. & very cool. Jesus what agony. We left 3:30 [in separate cars] I passed him twice & we parted. Never have I been hit so hard I could die! Home 5:30 & nothing interests me! dogs bark Gramma growls ect. Hate it 100%! . . . . I could die of sorrow--I’ve lost the only thing that really counted! His depression continues into the next day: “I’m going mad--nuts--about K & I separating! i . . . Oh Lord I’m so depressed & sad & weepy I could die--K, oh K I love you more than anything” (9/12/61). However, the following day, “Arose 7 AM. Break. 215 Morose over K. . . . Got letter from K. at 6:00 mail. Em m elated. Gay letter. Wants makeup. I’ll play cool technique!” (9/13/61). Shaun is a little too good, though, at using his “cool technique,” for three days later, he notes: “1/2 expected K to phone or write (even after the cool-strait letter I sent.) . . . Am I lonely! K. I must give you up now!” (9/16/61). It seems he “must” give Ken up not because of being told to do so by a priest, but because Ken is not responding like Shaun thinks he should, and as I explained in relation to Shaun’s social identity formation, he is quick to take offense. In his next entry, he is “feeling blue & gay. . . .--no letter from K. God help me!” (9/17/61). Not surprisingly, faced with such renewed anguish, Shaun again turns to God. He also again worries about sin, as in that same entry, he notes he went to a movie, “Cruised & tried to connect--sinful? Hope not.” By 9/19/61, he is able to write, “K. I’m learning to get along without you. Didn’t think I could--Love you yet to pieces!” Even though Shaun still loves Ken, when he finally does get a letter, he again heavily relies upon his impressions of how someone is treating him to determine how he will respond: “Letter from K. Gay & non-caring--lt seems! I won’t answer. All or nothing!” (9/21/61). Later in the entry, though, he writes “Oh am I lonely & do I need someone! Rose you aren’t enough: We’re am: through!” This entry in particular shows that he is still making progress in admitting what he really wants out of a relationship (even if he is not maturing in how he handles them). In fact, he writes “I need K or a K. badly” (10/10/61), further supporting that he does not need “a Rose,” which again is progress, but he is not yet fully ready to accept his sexual identity. That he is not yet ready is clear from his entry the following day: “If only I never met you life would be simple” (10/11/61). On the contrary, if he had continued in his life as it was before meeting Ken (or if not Ken, someone like him), he probably would not 216 have ever found it simple. His meeting Ken is a significant part of his recovery, just as his meeting a man named Dutch will be the key to his finally accepting his identity later. As he has written many times, he just needs to find the right person. He still wonders if the right person is Ken for awhile, but also still questions his sexual behavior, writing statements like “K--I’ve given you up but I won’t forget!” (10/14/61) and “K. I need you yet I hope never again! (Saturday?[)]” (10/19/61). These statements are followed by a statement showing he is again confused: “Jesus, I need someone to love. I’m going nuts without K.--if it means K. & Rose I guess I don’t know! Help me in the name of Thy most Holy mother!” (10/23/61). One entry a few days later is especially important: Cruised to bus depot & gay 18 yr connect. Nothing much. To B.S.U. lib. & gay spots--0. . . . [Home to eat. Back] To Leweston 7 - 10:30. To B.S.U. & 0. till 9:30. To bus dep. & prior gay & I cruised. [At the top:] I’m depressed. Nothing like K & I! (10/27/61). Besides possibly indicating that Shaun is now more concerned about his conquests’ ages, this entry shows that because of his experience with Ken (even though it was short), he better understands the difference between having sex and having a relationship, and this realization is important to his eventually forming his sexual identity. However, it will take him five more years to find the person with whom he will have a long and loving relationship. And in the meantime, he is again fighting with guilt, as well as his loneliness, as he shows with several entries related to being lonely, including several appeals to be “saved” by God. As a result, his abstinence count climbs again into double digits as indicated above, and this causes more problems such as “I need some lovin bad!” (11/30/61). On 12/25/61, he writes “Gay notions a_ll day. . . . Guess I’m lost again!” However, Shaun is not lost in love, a feeling which had begun to help him 217 overcome his anguish, but rather in lust, a feeling which he still does not accept in himself, thus contributing to his anguish. In an effort to prevent remaining “lost,” he again turns more deeply to religion, resulting in a slight fallback from the progress he has made toward recovery in this period. Beginning on 1/2/62 and continuing until 1/1/66 (I discuss the significance of his ending the practice below), Shaun records “JMJ” in the top margin of each daily entry page: Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Perhaps he thinks that writing this every day will serve as a constant reminder of what is at stake. In the rest of this period, he will continue to go back and forth between crying out to God for help and crying out for more sex, from thinking “Lord I’m depressed & unsatisfied. Should I move out [of his grandmother’s house]?” (1 1/29/61) to “Easier to stay home & if}: too! J. M. J.” (4/5/62). Also, besides writing “J MJ ” at the top of each day’s entry, he will make 248 other appeals to God/mercy/grace in his entries in 1962, mostly in connection with his sexuality, 295 in 1963, and 211 in 1964 (dropping down to 70 in 1965, another reason I categorized his crisis-related entries as I have done) Within the context of all of this, he is also still concerned about his battle for secrecy. Several diary entries demonstrate his fear. First, on 5/5/61, in the top margin of the entry, he writes, “Bet St. .1. & I don’t last! Pray we do.” He has accepted a teaching job at St. John Catholic high school in Riverton beginning the following September (indicating that the “St I. Contract [is a] secret to everyone!” [4/5/61]), after having spent a year and a half teaching at the West Riverton Junior High School. His leaving the other school may have been related to his being gay and/or the 1959 incident (though the incident was. over a year ago). On 1/31/61, the principal “hinted I may not get asked back,” to which Shaun responds in his diary in the same entry, “I’ll resign lst!” The next 218 day, he writes, “Wrote School Bd ‘No 500$ raise so I won’t come for contract renewal’. Clever?--h0pe so but bet no. . . . I’ll miss W.R. God give me 500$ raise & let me stay-- please!” (2/1/61) He holds onto the letter, but since by 2/2/61 he does not get a contract, he gives it to the principal on 2/3/61 and writes “(Bet a million I wasn’t being asked bk any way). Depressed and worried. . . .” He indicates he does not get the contract (for sure) on 2/9/61, and on 2/14/61, he meets with a school board member, who suggests Shaun teach high school. Shaun does not write why, but the suggestion could have homophobic origins. For example, he later writes (about losing a speech contest), “All teachers assumed we won [the speech contest]. Kept secret till 9:00 announcement. Noone knew. Kids were all great about it! Teachers suspicion m we lost. (Me--gay!)” (5/5/61). Whether he was simply being paranoid, or someone said something about his being gay, or the school board was worried about the 1959 incident, or he was not asked back for another reason, Shaun carries his fear of exposure into his new job. In fact, he writes several entries wondering if he should even take the job, and when he does decide to sign the contract, he notes “Jesus let this make good! I have told 0. & will tell m 0 of contract etc.” (3/27/61) Even so, he continues to worry. Part of his worry, as it relates to his battle for secrecy, is because of his continued gay behavior. On 6/13/61, he writes, “Inner terror over possible consequences of behavior.” By his behavior, he is referring to both gay sex and masturbation that day. In the top margin of another entry, he writes, “Dread another year of worry-~St. J. Florida or Calif to teach?” (7/19/61). In that day’s entry, he notes “Cruised 1/2 heartedly. . . . Bed about 11:10. Enjoy it here.” He does not want to have to leave home but is afraid his worry OVCI' the school (let alone a Catholic school) learning about his sexual behavior and/or the 1959 incident will make his life difficult. He later writes, “Rose sent Riverton 219 Paper--I’m listed at St. J. for this year--scared beyond belief. Hope all is OK.” (8/26/61) Indeed he does continue to worry while teaching, but since all of this also affects his teacherly identity, I will continue to discuss the entries in chapter 7, especially since Shaun’s teacherly identity does not prevent him from finally forming his sexual identity (though it certainly had some effect on his battle for secrecy). For the purposes of this chapter, and in this section in particular, what is important is that he is still engaged in his battle for secrecy, and that battle is affecting his sexual identity formation. The effect of his battle for secrecy on his sexual identity formation is especially evident in some other entries in this period, including his declaration “Going strait!” on 7/22/62 and “Going strait in A.M. (agaia?)” on 8/13/62, implying that it is still hard for him to “go strait.” Further evidence of both the effect of battling for secrecy and the difficulty of going straight includes: “1 hope I can reform soon!” (8/30/62; count keeps getting reset to zero); “ugh!. . . . I’ll try again!” (9/10/62); “Then to Leweston--feeling horny & 1/2 gay!” (9/23/62; notice the “1/2,” further evidencing he is not ready to fully accept his gay identity); “Jekel V.S. Hyde in me. God, why can’t I be all good. Jesus, assist me in my last agony!” (12/6/62); “I am so mixed up, Jesus help me! I know I’ll never find happiness here on earth but Satan prods me” (12/30/62); “Gay tendencies all day. I fought them!” (5/ 3 0/63); “Getting homey” (5/20/64) and “To [the cottage] tomorrow. Bet I end up in gay party. Darn! Why am 1?” (5/21/64). Despite still fighting his need for gay sex (and thus ultimately a successful relationship), he still has that need, but he also still seems not to want to have it (“Why am 1?”). Even though Shaun has not yet fully recovered from his crisis as evidenced by such entries, he also writes others mixed in with these that show he is on his way to recovery (leading to acceptance): “Cathy Drayber, a Sr. says I should get married. I 220 wish it were that simple!” (2/8/63; this shows he may understand that such a move will not solve his problem); “I’m getting edgy & ready for some gay life soon!” (7/31/63; he writes this after again seeing Ken a few times and having sex, perhaps reminding him of the joy he once felt when in a gay relationship); “Letter from gay Rory, & X-mas gift--bk Christ & the Homosexual.[75] Surprised me a bit & I’m touched by his thoughtfulness. (I expressed a curiosity to read this & he had it)” (12/3/63; while he still does not come to terms with his religion and his sexuality after reading the book—this is where his “Oh God, help me to be a good Catholic” statement (12/15/63) comes in, which I quoted on p. 154—at least he is beginning to explore it; also notice the marking I discussed above); “cruised. . . . & nice chat. . . . Don’t feel too bad. I M though” (5/13/64; his not feeling “too bad” after gay behavior is a step toward greater acceptance); and “To gay (?) stop before North City--then to Gatesville. Zero. What a ruff time ‘we’ have” (6/12/64; he is perhaps recognizing himself as part of the gay community as well as acknowledging the difficulty of sexual identity formation). That he is still not ready to accept his sexual identity, however, is perhaps further evidenced toward the end of this period by his entry, “Cruised like crazy then home & ugh! Bed 10:20. What a terrible life--oh God Please help me!” (8/10/64). While this statement could also indicate he is dissatisfied with repeatedly having—or trying to have—sex with strangers (and perhaps wants God to help him find the right fiiend again, as I discuss below), it is particularly important in showing that he is still in recovery; in the last period, return to acceptance, he will write an entry that demonstrates a significant shift in his religious identity as it relates to his sexual identity, and he will return to pre-crisis levels of gay sex, setting the stage for accepting his sexual identity by the end of the period. 75 Could be Christ and the Homosexual: Some Observations by Robert Watson Wood (Vantage, 1960). 221 Return to Acceptance: 1/1/65 - 12/31/66 This last period is titled to reflect a “return” in the sense that Shaun seemed to have initially accepted his homosexuality early in his second semester in college (see p. 176), only to partially retreat because of his battle for secrecy, a battle heightened by his first full-time student teaching experience, as I explained above (p. 186). Also, a bit later in college, but before this student teaching, instead of asking God to save his soul, like in high school, he was asking God to help him find the right friend. After his crisis, he was back to asking God to save him from himself. However, in this last period, Shaun will come to accept his sexual behavior without having to totally give up his religious identity, and combined with his previous acknowledgments of being gay, he will thus come to fully accept his sexual identity. Two significant and related changes enable this acceptance: a change in his religious identity and a change in his sexual practices. The change in his religious identity is significant, as it allows him to finally not only figure out what he wants in life, but to actually seek it out and make it work. This change is gradual, however, and difficult. Coming into this period, Shaun is still convinced something is wrong with him, something that needs to be fixed: “The gay tempts seem almost unbearable at times. Lord, what a life I lead at times. So my problems” (3/27/65). Also, he is convinced that only God can fix it, as before. For example, after having gay sex, he writes: “Lord what a mess I am. Ugh, Ugh, Ugh! Jesus, Mary & Joseph flease, alease help me before it’s too late!” (4/6/65). His realizing there could be a “too late” might have prompted him to finally take action. Perhaps consequently, and quite significantly, only a month later, he writes an entry that signals a slight shift in his religious identity: “God help me help myself. I’m a wreck in many ways!” (5/5/65). Shaun is no longer just asking God to fix it for him; he is 222 acknowledging that he, himself, needs to do it, but he also knows it will be difficult and hopes God will help him with that difficulty. A couple of days later, just as he did in college when it appeared he had accepted his sexual identity, he is again—explicitly—asking God to help him find the right person, a gay person like Ken, to help him fully experience all that life has to offer: “I’m missing life. Need a K. . . . to pal around with. God help me!”(5/7/65). He also realizes how feelings of guilt have been affecting him, as he writes the next day: “Home about 1:45--a little confused & gay ready. . . . Why oh why can’t I express my pent-up feelings without guilt. God help me!” (5/8/65). His confusion could be related to wanting to fully live life (he is “gay ready”), but still within a religious context, which he does not yet know how to do; hence the appeal to God to help him figure it out (and not simply to fix him). He further writes of needing sex (“Need ‘it’ badly” [5/31/65]), but now he is also writing of “Need[ing] gay life, darn it!” 6/28/65. No longer is sex for just excitement, perhaps, but rather for living life to its fullest. Amidst these May and June entries, he records having sex ten times. In July, he notes “God I’m happy!” (7/16/65), but also “Arose 6:40--joyful or depressed?” (7/23/65). What is significant is that prior to this period, he would have probably noted “depressed” without the possibility of “joyful” as he does on 11/22/64 (“God I’m so depressed when should be so happy!”). On 7/31/65, he even writes “Lord, Lord I’m experiencing life--the glad & the sad so deeply! I need a gay affair & will 1% it!” With this statement, he is being much more realistic than in the past, realizing that life has its difficulties, and that an important part of life is living it as “one is,” so to speak, even if one is gay. Meanwhile, he has gay sex seven times in July and fourteen times in August. Despite all of this contact, or perhaps because of it in some ways, he still has his 223 “downs,” as evidenced by his writing “So all alone & in need of love!” (8/6/65) and “Lord what a lonely life” (8/20/65). Perhaps he is again realizing that the sex he is getting is not as important as finding someone with whom to share other'aspects of life. Of course, based on his entries in May, he knows that change will be hard. And it is, as he writes on 8/23/65: “So depressed I could die tonite-Jesus what a lonely lonely lonely life. My God help me--please I’m losing my mind” (“HELP” is also written in large letters diagonally across the entire page). Even though this entry is heartbreaking, Shaun still seems to be asking for help finding the right person, not help becoming “straight” like in the last period, representing a significant shift in his recovery. He will write similar statements that show the difficulty of his efforts, but he will eventually find the right person. In fact, finding this person seems to push him to further shift his religious identity, just as further shifting his religious identity also enables him to continue seeing this person and ultimately form his sexual identity. Three very significant statements in particular indicate his progress in shifting his religious identity to accommodate his sexual identity. Most significant in indicating his shifting religious identity are three entries that follow in his diary: “To church. . . . In confess. I learned ‘gay people don’t go to Hell cause they’re gay.’ (New Priest.) Hope” (10/19/65); “To Springstown at 4:00 & saw Fr. Gaven-~young progressive priest. Chat 4:10 - 5:40 about my prob.” (12/26/65); and “To Springstown 6:30. Fr Gaven & I talk till 7:45. He sure has introduced hope into my life. I’m sure God isn’t totally displeased at creating me” (1/7/66). These three statements are rather remarkable, really, and may reflect the influences of the sexual revolution in general andthe effects of Vatican II in particular, even though, as I explained in footnote 74 (p. 212), Vatican 11 did not result in any changes to doctrine related to sexuality until 224 later. That the priest Shaun talked to was “young” and “progressive” probably made a difference, too. And even though Shaun still mentions having a “problem,” based on his other entries, I would argue that his problem is perhaps now more about how to live his life as a religious gay man rather than how to suppress his sexuality, representing a significant shift in his religious identity. In fact, on 1/1/66, he writes “JMJ” at the top of his daily entry for the last time, further signifying this shift. His meeting the “love of his life” will again challenge him in religious ways, but ultimately he will finally be able to accept his sexual identity within the context of his shifted religious identity (albeit a slightly tenuous identity, as he remains Catholic and the Catholic church remains opposed to homosexuality), thereby solidifying his sexual identity. Just as solidifying Shaun’s sexual identity required a change in his religious identity, it will also require a change in his sexual behavior. In this period, Shaun returns to his pre-crisis period level of sexual activity: he has sex 178 times over 24 months (7.4 per month, which is nearly identical to his pre-crisis period average of 7.5). This change, however, is not what is significant. Rather, what is significant is his falling in love and eventually giving up cruising and other non-relationship based sexual activities, for the most part, at least in the period of the diary I read. Shaun falls in love with a man named Dutch, whom he meets in Leweston while pursuing a Ph.D. in speech. Dutch is an undergraduate student at B.S.U., having recently completed a stint in the US. Army. They will end up being together for the rest of Shaun’s life. Shaun meets Dutch in September, 1965, and they soon begin a sexual relationship. The day after first having sex, Shaun writes “I really like my pal” (9/20/65). Over the next few weeks, they often get together or talk on the phone, though not every day. Shaun writes he is “so alone without my pal Dutch” (9/30/65), which perhaps 225 causes him to push the relationship a bit too hard, as he writes: “Poor mood. Think I killed it--[I said] ‘all or nothing’ & he doesn’t want ‘all the time’. Home 11:00 depressed” (10/5/65). However, they still spend a lot of time together, and on 10/17/65, he writes “I’m in LOVE!,” followed by “th my pal!” and “God in Heaven above--this is grlat!” (1 0/1 9/65). This is also where the first of the significant religious statements I quoted above comes in (the one about gay people not going to Hell). Unfortunately for Shaun, however, not all priests are young and progressive. On 10/20/65, Shaun writes that he plans to go on a retreat, and on 10/23/65, at the retreat, he writes “Can I forget Pal Dutch. I doubt it. God help me.” He does not explain this, but it probably relates to the retreat. Returning home the next day, though, he sees Dutch again and “. .. a blissful time” (10/24/65). By 11/2/65, he is once again declaring 999 “I’m in Love--it brightens the day--someone ‘to love & be loved by me. He also writes of having a “Long chat on my religion & what it means etc.,” but he does not give any details. The talk must have been positive, since he later writes, “He sure is the greatest pal I ever had or will have!” (11/3/65) and “New meaning has been given to my life. I am alive & loved & love! Up singing in AM & happy all day. God let me be a Saint but also let me savor earthly happiness too” (1 1/4/65). Also, his last statement clearly reinforces the change he is making in his religious identity (he had hidden his religion from Ken), and it is clear that meeting the right person had a lot to do with it. It is still early in the relationship, though, and despite Shaun’s significant progress so far in this period, there are a few setbacks. Given Shaun’s many years of anguished life before Dutch, and given his social identity, it is perhaps no surprise that there are difficulties. On 11/8/65, Shaun notes “Dutch didn’t phone. I phoned him a few min. Cool. Damn him--he’s a bastard!” At the 226 top of this entry, he writes, “Has it ended?” The next day, though, he has drinks with Dutch and indicates there was “Talk of wkends together & an apt!” (11/9/65). He also writes ““How happy I am!” at the top. Five days later, again asking “Is it all over?” in the t0p margin, Shaun writes “To Dutch’s at 7:00. He wasn’t too enthusiased [writes ‘sp’ over that word]. We fought a bit. T.V. & 1/2 hearted time. He speaks of apt. but won’t stop working Sat for my birthday. Left 9:15--pissed off. Home (gas $3.70) & bed 10:25. I’m not going over for a few days” (1/14/65). On top of this, during confession the next day, he is told to give up Dutch (1 1/15/65). He does not, and on 12/1/65, he writes “I’m just plain Worn out--but sooo happy!” To top it all off, after a “long, edifying” confession, he writes, “Don’t have to give up D” (12/8/65). On 12/12/65, he notes “It’s great to be young. healthy & loved.” Quite significantly, Shaun then notes “Sweet Jesus, the new love I feel is so joyous it can’t be wrong” (12/13/65), further reinforcing the impact meeting the right person has on changing his religious identity (also, this is where the other two significant religious statements I quoted above come in). Still, all is not yet quite settled on either identity front. Shaun is well on his way in finally forming his sexual identity, but it will not happen until the end of 1966. He still has some lingering issues interfering with his reconciliation of his sexual and religious identities. For example, on 3/5/66, he writes: I fondly recall yesterday with [Dutch]. I’m incomplete as a unit by myself & I sure need a pal. My god I think so mach of him. What a happy, happy relationship. I’m so confused about life & etc etc! Lord help me! He has once again experienced the importance of being with someone beyond just having sex. However, his long-held religious identity is resisting change, despite the above successes. Again, though, the relationship is going so well that it is pushing him to 227 confront his issues. He continues to write about seeing a lot of Dutch, and this probably would have continued to help him complete his religious identity transformation if the relationship had not taken another turn for the worse, but this time fi'om Dutch’s side. The move creates another setback, one that is quite severe. Shaun writes: Dutch began. Wants chain & copper ore on it bk [which he had given to Shaun earlier]. We can be ‘fiiends’ & was quite cutting. I said I’d never phone or come over again & I mean every solemn word. I acted non- caring but I’m shook up. God help me. Make me a Saint or something. I feel like dying right now!” (5/11/66) Just three days earlier, Shaun had written that he “can’t get enuff of my pal” (5/8/65). Perhaps that was the problem for Dutch. Shaun’s entry on 5/12/66 expresses his bafflement with the situation: “No more mention of why or Mg!” He is quite devastated and writes, “God, the pain in my heart is so terrible. Please, Mother Mary, help me!” (5/13/66) and “Dear God, I must keep busy, I mas; think of others. No more human loves--only your divine love can make me a saint!” (5/14/66) Such entries show how hard it can be to form identities, but even so, and despite these entries, he is very close to forming his sexual identity. Shaun has a car accident on 5/16/66, and Dutch visits him, bringing roses. After Shaun’s recovery, they again enjoy each other’s company, eventually taking a trip to New York, where they have a good time. On the drive home from the airport, though, Dutch apparently seems distant: “He talked little & acted bored. I left mad!” (6/20/66). Shaun writes he misses Dutch the next day, but indicates he “won’t phone” (2/21/66), acting much like he has in the past in related circumstances. Shaun finally calls on 6/22/66, but learns Dutch is busy; Shaun again declares “It’s all over. I know it & 1’11 228 die” (6/22/66). On 6/28/66, he writes, “I’ve had suicidal thoughts lately. Life contains no joy or love!” However, on 7/4/66, he learns Dutch was in his own car accident and is in the hospital; Shaun visits him, and they rekindle their relationship. By 8/27/66, Dutch is out of the hospital and they are living together: “I sure love this place now that Dutch is here.” Shaun’s living with a man is an important indication he has accepted his sexual identity. Also, after meeting Dutch, but prior to moving in with him, Shaun had been seeing and making other friends on the side, much as he had been doing since college. Once he moves in with Dutch, though, he mostly stops this practice, a practice which had contributed to his feelings of anguish. And last, on 12/31/66, he stops recording an abstinence count at the top of each entry, showing that he has finally accepted his sexual identity, that he has finally made an “enduring, self-chosen commitment” (Marcia’s “achieved” identity status [2]), at least inwardly. Throughout these various stages, Shaun has extemalized in his diary his struggles to negotiate a growing personal acceptance of his homosexuality with his strong religious identity, an identity which seems to be the greatest source of his psychological conflicts, including guilt, uncertainty, and anxiety. The more he turned to religion to relieve his struggles, the more intensified his struggles became, creating a Catch-22, a bad situation made worse within the context of a homophobic society. But his strong need for gay affiliation eventually outweighed the religious complications such affiliation created, leading to a modification of his religious beliefs and the successful formation of a sexual identity—with one exception: Shaun will still wage his battle for secrecy, at least as far as it concerns his students, but that relates to his teacherly identity, which, along with his identity as a student, is the topic of chapter 7. 229 Chapter 7 Shaun’s Academic Identity Formation Like Shaun’s formation of a sexual identity in chapter 6, his formation of an academic identity—both as a student and teacher—was not easy, as evidenced in his ' diary. In this chapter, I show that Shaun forms an academic identity when he reaches Marcia’s “achieved” identity status (2), making “an enduring, self-chosen commitment” to live with himself as a student and teacher without agony or discomfort. Forming an identity as a student, for Shaun, means achieving academic success, while forming an identity as a teacher means achieving discipline, subject mastery and command, a “teacher-like” appearance, and a mentoring/counseling relationship with students. Until that point, Shaun waxes and wanes in agony. an agony intensified by his social and sexual identity struggles. Based on the number of articles and books written on academic identity formation in general, it is not an easy process for many people. Much of the difficulty in developing an academic identity relates to the influence of other identities, and much of this research addresses this interaction, especially in terms of the effects of race and ethnicity (e.g., Gilyard, Voices; Villanueva; Flores-Gonzalez; Welch and Hodges; Zirkel; Mehan, Hubbard, and Villanueva), social class (e.g., Rose; Dews and Law), gender (e.g., Johnson, Lee and Green; Renold; Heward), sexual orientation (e.g., MacGillivray; Wood), or some combination of these identities (e.g., Davidson; Freedman and Holmes). In Shaun’s case, his social and sexual identity formation had the most significant influence on his academic identity formation as a student and teacher. As both a student and teacher, Shaun sometimes extemalized his “sense of self” within his diary entries, entries which not only show the influence of his social and sexual identities upon his 230 academic identity, but also his struggle with forming an academic identity in general. These two identities—student and teacher—provide an effective way to categorize my analysis of the large number of diary entries related to Shaun’s academic identity formation. Shaun’s Formation of a Student Identity Shaun’s formation of an “achieved” student identity, one in which he not only possesses a degree of self awareness of himself as a student, but also accepts himself as a student—which for Shaun requires academic success—takes several years and does not fully occur until he earns his Ph.D., at which point, ironically, he is no longer a student.76 Like his sexual identity, as evidenced by some epiphanies in his diary, Shaun seems to form his student identity several times, but then takes some steps backwards as he progresses through his education. D. Bruce Jackson, a high school math teacher who has researched student agency within academic and social contexts, has an interesting way of looking at student identity formation, one which is helpful in understanding Shaun’s formation.77 Jackson defines a student’s academic identity as “an understanding of self in which ‘intellectual’ activities both within and outside of school play a valued role” (579+). By “intellectual activities,” Jackson means certain behaviors that will lead to success in school, behaviors which he labels as “identity watersheds of school”: completing homework, reading independently, studying seriously for tests, striving for good grades, mastering and using proper English, paying attention to the teacher, asking questions and getting help, signing up for 7’ However, he will acknowledge being a lifelong student of sorts when he writes, “I’ve been quite creative & done some good teaching lately-where] learn, too” (6/13/74). 77 Jackson draws upon Robert Marzano’s work related to “learning processes” to clarify “the role of the self and identity in student learning-related decisions” (579+). Jackson explains that “Marzano groups the full range of learning processes into four domains: 1) knowledge, 2) cognition, 3) metacognition, and 4) the self-system,” and that it is the latter domain that is especially related to student success in school (579+). 23] specific academic courses, and choosing to obey loosely enforced rules. (579+) In other words, forming an academic identity that will endure (an “achieved” identity in Marcia’s paradigm) requires academic success, and academic success requires these behaviors. However, interfering with these behaviors and causing identity formation problems, Jackson asserts, are various issues: “failure to identify with school, insecurity at not belonging or not measuring up, feelings of mismatch or incompatibility with school, [and] difficulty seeing homework as an important part of who [the student] want[s] to be” (5 79+). Jackson’s theory is especially interesting in light of Shaun’s diary because many of Shaun’s entries related to student identity address many of these, and other, watershed behaviors and interfering issues throughout high school, college, and even into graduate school. Shaun’s Academic Identity Formation as a High School Student In high school, the closest Shaun comes to writing a direct epiphany related to forming a successful student identity is “We had a biology test, I got an A. Irn pretty good” (9/15/50; ninth grade) and “I’m doing good in school!” (12/4/52; eleventh grade). Throughout high school, Shaun also makes several statements that relate in some way to Jackson’s academic identity watershed behaviors or interfering issues, indicating that he is in the process of forming a successful identity as a student, but he also waxes and wanes in his self-perceptions of himself as a student, indicating that it is not easy. Watershed Behaviors in High School Shaun demonstrates a couple of watershed behaviors in high school that are particularly important to forming an academic identity. For example, besides being an avid reader as I mentioned in chapter 4, Shaun often writes of liking school, which may 232 relate to being compatible with it: “Gosh it seems good to get back to school. We’re studying about the bones of the body in science” (4/11/50); “I’ll be glad when school starts. I’ll be a freshman (9th)” (8/27/50); “I like biology and English and algebra pretty well” (9/12/50); “I surley like school” (1/9/51); and “I shore love school!! It really is fun” (12/1/52). As his last statement shows, much of his liking school has to do with its being fun. Other entries related to “fun” include “School was fun”(10/21/51); “There m school today [the previous day was a snow day]. It was fun. I like Mr. Troy” (11/8/51); and “I had fun all day in school. Last hour Mark Baylor, Dirk, & Doug Stern & I spent awhile alone in office” (10/21/53). While his fun could be connected to what he is studying (such as bones and English), it could also relate to nonacademic aspects of school. For example, his statement about liking Mr. Troy could relate to his sexual identity, because earlier in his diary he noted “We have a new English teacher Mr Troy. Good lookin” (10/2/51). So, too, could his statement about spending time in the office, which I also quoted in chapter 6 (he had written that in the office, “Mark pretended to -- [probably do some sort of sex act;] I wish it was real though”). Also, he writes “We had Glee Club. I l_o_va it” (9/15/50). Thus his fun could be both academic and social (complicated by his sexual identity). Interestingly, Shaun shifts from sometimes thinking school is simply fun to its being beneficial, if a bit difficult, further indicating progress in forming a successful academic identity while in high school: “Well school has an enliting quality to say the least” (1 1/ 1/53); “School is fun but difficult” (l/12/54); “School is quite a challenge-J have to bring some of my work home” (1/26/54); and “Bookkeeping is actually a challenge, no?” (2/24/54) In this last entry, it seems he uses “challenge” in a more positive way—his being challenged to do well as opposed to schoolwork being simply 233 difficult. Also, he indicates that he is doing homework (one of the watershed behaviors Jackson identified). Likewise, in other entries, he indicates that he is striving for passing—then good—grades, another watershed behavior: “Geo is hard I hope I’ll pass. maybe I wont! !!!!” (9/26/51); “Typing & Geo. are hard but I gap get it if I try” (10/29/51); “Got B in Geo. & A in English. both count lot on report card. Typing is hard” (1 1/5/51); “I got all A’s in Typing last week!” (10/6/52); “Had fun in school. on my tests last Friday I got 2 B’s & A! Very good” (10/11/53); “We have a History test tomorrow-J hope I get a good mark” (10/22/52); and “Had that His test think I got an A” (10/23/52). His comment about being able to succeed in typing and geometry if he tries is also important to an academic identity. Related to this, Shaun also writes, “Typing isn’t so hard it’s just that I don’t have time” (9/24/52), indicating his realization of what academic success takes. However, Shaun also faces various interfering issues which keep from fully forming his academic identity in high school. Interfering Issues in High School The interfering issues which keep Shaun from fully forming his academic identity in high school mainly relate to personal traits that affect his academic success, but also include social factors. For example, Shaun sometimes contrasts his entries related to school being fun with school being boring: “I wrote me an excuse to let me out of school today: Reason: I got bored” (10/9/52); “School is a bore. English fair Shop fair Typing--awful & History fair” (9/7/52); and “School is a great bore” (10/31/53). Therefore, he is not always compatible with school, demonstrating a slight struggle with forming a successful student identity; however, he writes nearly three times as many positive entries about school than negative. Also, even though he is concerned about grades, he is not always concerned with good grades: “I gave an impromptu speech-- 234 hammed it up & got my first C--I didn’t care. Report Card-~Speech A[,] W History A[,] Journ[alism] A[,] Govt B & Book[kee]p[ing] C” (3/4/54). Perhaps he did not care about the “C” because he was doing well overall, success which positively contributes to his forming an academic identity. The comment, though, also highlights aspects of his academic identity struggle. Further evidence of his struggle is that even though Shaun realizes what academic success takes, as evidenced above, he is not always able to identify with his classes. Related to his geometry class, he notes “Why in flefl I ever took Geometry I’ll never know” (2/5/52) and “School is fun in General but I’ll bet I don’t get much out of Geomtry” (5/20/ 52), both of which relate to issues Jackson indicates may impede academic identity formation, especially a student’s not considering some aspect of academic work “an important part of who [the student] want[s] to be” (5 79+). Another indication of a watershed behavior not being met is Shaun’s occasionally skipping classes: “Daisy O’Hare Julie Stills & me skipped at 2:15 & we heard Mr. Rede was looking for us & saw us skip” (1/28/52); “We heard Mr Rede saw us but he gun—”t” (1/29/52); “It snowed Quite hard. I skipped school at 2:00 went down to Julies. I wrote my own advance ex[c]use” (2/20/52); “I skipped school at 11:45 the rest of day. Went to Petunias & washed the blinds. Saw show ‘Behave Yorself’ with Shelly W. & Farly G. good” (3/14/52); “I skipped school at 2:20 & I was missed! Boy I’m scared (Kind of)” (3/19/52); and “They took my excuse ‘I said I ripped my pants’ (Ha Ha)” (3/20/52). The irony of Shaun’s seeing the movie Behave Yourself aside, Shaun knows that skipping is against the rules based on his comments (especially being “kind of” scared), yet he does it anyway, showing that he has not achieved that particular identity watershed. 235 Jackson writes that achieving such “identity watershed” behaviors in general can be challenging in the face of peers, and that such behaviors are affected by “ethnic, class, culture, and language” forces (579+). Shaun’s social identity in relation to his peers (see chapter 5, pp. 136-38) certainly had an effect on his student identity formation, especially his needing to be liked: “I sure had ft_m_ at school in English. We laughed alot at me” (12/14/50) His having fun seems to be because he was given attention. Another example is “I played football today. I sure was good--and popular” (9/18/51), and a third example is “Had our first big Speech assembly 9:40 to 10:40 AM. this morn. I was the MC. did a swell job & got a few laughs” (3/16/54). He wants to be liked, and perhaps to be liked, he will even do homework for others: “I did Daisys & Dirks history for them. I typed Dirks 40 required WPM in typing me--58 WPM. Lord, I’ll miss school--I think!” (5/19/53); “Dirk got me a pkg of Chesterfields for letting him take my paper. He & Mark & I spent last hour in the office” (10/7/53); and “I wrote a 600 word essay for Dirk Dugan--hes supposed to give me 2 pkgs of cigarettes” (1 1/22/53). While he could be doing homework for his friends simply to get cigarettes, his comment about missing school (during summer vacation) could relate. to its social aspects, an interpretation reinforced by his entry on 5/25/53: “Well school let out today we had our exams today-- all of them easy. Boy I’ll miss school! all my friends.” However, as I quoted and discussed in chapter 5 in relation to his social identity, Shaun sometimes feels he does not belong: “Tomorrow is skip day & I’m going to stay home. I don’t fit in with that crowd” (5/9/54). He also writes “I’m getting [fed up with?] school-~it’s not hard but boring & I stay home & watch T.V. nite after nite” (1/29/54), which again speaks to his social identity and its effect on his academic identity—specifically Shaun’s “insecurity at not belonging,” one of the interfering issues Jackson identified, as I discussed above. 236 As for Shaun’s economic class identity, the effect is less certain. For example, Jackson explains that an academic identity is especially difficult for low-income students who do not come from a “strong academic tradition” (5 79+). In chapter 4, I explained the effects of Shaun’s working class background on his socioeconomic identity formation (pp. 86-87, 96). His working class background, however, does not seem to have seriously affected his formation of a student identity, except perhaps in relation to his avid reading, something several working class academics emphasize in their own identity narratives, as Borkowski points out (calling it a “gifted child” theme), citing the narratives of Terry Eagleton, Keith Gilyard (Voices), Linda Brodkey, Victor Villanueva, Richard Hoggart, and Richard Rodriguez (100). Borkowski especially focuses on the latter two narratives, whose authors were “removed . . . from their working class environment” by their “childhood bookishness” (101), helped along by teacher recognition/encouragement (100), what, I would add, Deborah Brandt would call their “sponsors of literacy” (166).78 Shaun occasionally mentions teacher/principal recognition: “The Home Ec teacher likes me” (4/23/53); “New History teacher at school Mr. Burnes. I don’t care too much for him but he likes me” (4/12/53); “I gave a speech on drinking (quite dramatic as Mr Nasher said ‘Excellent!’[)]” (5/3/54); and “My but Mr Nasher had alot of nice things to say about me last nite to mom” (5/18/54). Given Shaun’s need for attention, all of this probably had a positive affect on his academic identity formation, an affect which would carry over into college; however, his continued academic identity formation in college is rockier than in high school. 7’ Included in Brandt’s definition of sponsors of literacy are “figures who turned up most typically in people’s memories of literacy learning: older relatives, teachers, priests. supervisors. military officers, editors, influential authors” (167). 237 Shaun’s Academic Identity Formation as a College Student Shaun continues to form his academic identity in college, but it becomes much more problematic for him. He waxes and wanes about his potential success in college in general as well as relates details about his successes and failures in particular classes, providing evidence of continued watershed behaviors in the face of interfering issues, especially his fear of failure. Given his history and all of the issues he faces, it seems natural that he would express some doubt about being successful. Also not surprisingly, Shaun’s waxing and waning about his potential success in college begins when he is in high school. He first mentions college the fall of his senior year: “By the grace of God I’ll be starting college this time next year” (10/3/53). That he wishes to go to college speaks well toward his forming an academic identity, but a later entry, one that also invokes his socioeconomic and sexual identities, suggests his reasons may be more in response to societal pressures than academic enrichment: “My the thought of graduation is frightening. What does the future holdin store? (I hope money, college success & marriage)” (5/15/54).79 Whatever his motivation for attending college, his wishing for college success is important to his forming an academic identity. However, he is also worried, as a series of other entries in his last semester of high school shows: “Got a card from College Town College saying I’ve been accepted--oh boy” (4/7/54); “Boy I’m all hipped up over college” (5/5/54); “I start for college (If all goes well, 2 weeks from tomorrow[)]” (8/25/54); “Well I leave 2 weeks from today. I dread it really” (8/26/54); “I wish I was still going to [high] school” (8/29/54); “Boy I hate the thought of going [to college]” (9/1/54): “Well, one more week & I go” (9/2/54); “Well it 79 Farber states that “In the 1920s, only one in five Americans graduated fi'om high school. By the mid- 19605. the figure was almost three out of four" (57), a growth which may speak to increased societal pressures to get an education. won’t be long now” (9/7/54); “Cleaned my room good today as a final college preparation” (9/8/54); and “Tomorrow is the big day! !” (9/9/54). His excitement and worry over leaving home for college are understandable, especially in relation to the effects displacement can have on identity formation, as I first discussed in chapter 6 in relation to Shaun’s sexual identity (p. 209). In terms of the effects of displacement on his student identity, Shaun will be leaving the familiarity of high school and entering an unfamiliar and significantly larger academic arena. Even though he does not explain the reasons for his fear, they are probably similar to my own college freshmen students’ fears, students who have made comments about how they were told that college would be really difficult (and sadly, some were told by their high school teachers they would not succeed). Indeed, Shaun often comments on how hard he finds college, a difficulty that leads him to doubt his potential success and therefore to some setbacks in his academic identity formation as I have defined it (see p. 231). While it will take Shaun about a month to begin to really doubt his potential success, he indicates understanding what it takes to be successful rather quickly. He begins college on 9/10/54, and after several days of orientation, he notes “I’m highly anxious to get home. Boy--its been some week” (9/14/54) Before he can leave for home, however, he has his first classes on Friday, 9/15/54. He writes, “Had three classes & I think I’ll hate English & the instructor. Started home at 11:30 got here shortly after one.” He does not explain why he thinks he will dislike his English teacher. Returning on Sunday, he writes, “Dad & mom took me to Sandersville & I hitched 2:10 to 3:15 boy I hated to leave” (9/17/54). More importantly, however, the next day, he writes, “I’ve got quite a bit of studying to do if only I’ll do it” (9/18/54). While these entries show the effects of displacement, they also show Shaun has not forgotten a key component to 239 academic success—hard work. They also show his realization that he does not really want to do it; therefore, since his successful identity formation as a student is dependent upon his academic success, he is bound to have difficulties. This combination of watershed behaviors, interfering issues (including fear of failure), and continued waxing and waning characterizes Shaun’s academic identity formation in college. Watershed Behaviors in College Indicating his progress in forming an academic identity, Shaun writes many entries that express his confidence and successes as a college student: “History is a pain but I shall conquear it (or it me)” (11/21/54); “Studied history all day that means Al day. Frank [his brother] helped me for a nominal fee of 50 cents” (11/25/54); “Well I am really at it now” (11/27/54); “I’ve had many defeats and tribulations but when I think that nearly 1/4th of my entire college education is completed I realize that it’s worth it! I have found a new world if I don’t ‘crack up’ while I’m in it” (3/55 memorandum); “In Eng we had a test. I got ‘75’ that was darn good on this test” (4/18/55); “I was astounded to learn I got an ‘A’ & comment ‘Fine, [Shaun]’ on my theme ‘The Crucial Moment.’ I thought it was lousy & was hoping for a Q! Oh well!” (5/4/55; note the “oh well,” which seems to show his indifference, despite his being “astounded,” which shows he has a ways to go in his academic identity formation); “We read our stories in Eng. We got bk. our essays we wrote in class Frid. I got a ‘B+’ Dr Hepher wrote: ‘Your ebrillience [ebullience] and good spirits are a tonic. Your paper contains only minor errors--errors of carelessness. You should go places. But don’t be too fast, Lad. Good luck to [Shaun].’ Unquote. How nice” (6/1/55; Shaun’s performance in English is improving, which may. contribute to his increasingly more positive attitude toward the class as follows); “Hepher’s class went off O.K. He gave us 10 questions to test our common 240 sense. I was the only one (?) that got all correct” (6/6/55); “I enjoyed ‘Heph’s’ class as usual” (6/8/55); “I left Hepher’s class this morn with a note of nostalgia. I hated to go. I surely like him & his class” (6/10/55; his positive attitude toward English seems to be in part also due to the teacher, demonstrating that he was helped along by teacher recognition/encouragement as in high school, as well as demonstrating his continued need for attention); “I have recieved tolerable marks” (memorandum for November, 1955); and “I hope this time next year I am a junior & am having fun” (memorandum for December, 195 5). These last two statements demonstrate a partial formation of an academic identity in that he looks forward to continuing college despite his academic problems, problems which are related to his grades—only “tolerable” now, unlike “good” in high school (12/4/52)—and desire for fun, both inside and outside of class. Shaun continues to demonstrate watershed behaviors, making progress on his academic identity, as evidenced by his changing attitudes over grades and sense of “fun.” For example, while he is still concerned about grades, he is again no longer just hoping for tolerable ones. At the end of his sophomore year, he writes “Got marks. Eng 22], 222 & 251 - ‘C’ - Speech 275 ‘B’ Ed ‘B’ (darn it) ROTC ‘C’ (Wow!) & Speech 230 - Radio & Bowden I got ‘A’ my first one” (6/12/56). He also writes “Dr Moor’s class is fun, informal & educational--very!” (2/10/56). He is now again connecting “fun” to “education,” not simply entertainment, although he will continue to comment more on the latter than the former well into graduate school. Perhaps part of his considering more than entertainment now is due to his taking a teacher education course that semester. Furthermore, that summer, he expresses a more confident academic identity just before starting a job as a camp counselor: “Well, one week from tonite I will have experienced a new adventure. I feel insecure but not so much so as if I weren’t a Jr. in College” 241 (6/19/56). When he returns to college that fall (as a junior), he writes the entry I quoted in chapter 4 (p. 98) in relation to his social and socioeconomic identities and chapter 6 (p. 178) in relation to his sexual and religious identities (showing how integrated all of his identities are): Can I get a job & preserve education & self respect? Can I adjust to College Town & that coop of a room. Here is where, with God’s grace, I start the habit of self respect, thrift, fun & socialization. (I may be home Frid nite). How can I do all this? (9/18/56) In terms of Shaun’s academic identity, this entry demonstrates that education is important to him, but that success will require continued adjustments in the other aspects of his life, a positive attitude important to forming an academic identity (albeit an attitude that includes doubt as his last statement notes). Perhaps because of this attitude, even in light of his doubt, Shaun is more successful in this particular semester, and his entries reflect this. While he still tends to discuss courses in terms of his enjoyment or not (e.g., “Soc. was fun--Smythe talks about everything--especially football” [9/24/56] and “[Soc. 211] fun. . . . Play Pro[duction] boring” [10/1/56]), he also notes his mostly improved grades: “Got test back in Camping & Lo! I got highest mark in Class ‘A’!!!!!” (10/30/56); “I arose at 7:40 & went to Eng Lit. I got 2nd highest mark in class (B-76)[.] Really proud” (10/31/56); “went to Eng. I got a ‘D’ on Sonnet 66 by Shakespeare-~how come?” (11/19/56); and “went to Story Telling. I got highest mark on that test over our 600 pg bk. ‘A’!!! I felt good” (11/27/56). He seems pleased with all these results except for the “D,” especially his performance in relation to his classmates, and this seems to boost his confidence and solidify his academic identity. Also, his writing “how come” instead of “so what” about 242 the “D” shows a more mature attitude. By the end of the semester, he expresses this confidence: “This month will be ruff for school. I vow to make this a good year and I hope it’s successful. I feel very optomistic” (1/1/57). Most of these statements indicate significant progress toward forming a successful academic identity. Significantly, mixed in with these entries is perhaps Shaun’s most important epiphany related to an academic identity: “To think I’m a college student!” (4/1/55), followed by another important entry two years later: “Pre registered--I’m a Sr. now. Ha!” (5/10/57). His “ha” may indicate his previous doubts of success, the presence of which, in combination with his “I’m a student” statement, indicate Shaun’s mixed success forming an “achieved” academic identity in college. In fact, Shaun writes many statements that indicate he is facing some interference in this process. Interfering Issues in College From the beginning of his college classes, Shaun’s diary entries indicate some progress toward success, but also continued difficulty due to various interfering issues such as not making time to study and feeling displaced (represented in his wanting to go home): “I like Personal Speech & Health & Ed. English is somewhat better” (9/20/54); “I go home tomorrow. Good. . . . I won’t like ROTC & I think I’ll like Archery” (9/21/54); “Boy the studies are a bother” (9/24/54); “Boy History is certainly hard” (9/26/54); “Had a surprise history test. I got a 75 score which wasn’t so bad, considering. Well, home tomorrow--a happy thought!” (9/28/54); “Quite a day. Am having a better time. I like English so much better" (10/2/54); "Archery class is sure fun now. History is getting hard” (10/3/54; notice his continued emphasis on “fun,” though now without his idea in high school of education being beneficial); “Boy I’ve got a bitch of a history test coming up Thursday. Archery is fun. I don’t know whether I’ll make it or not in history” 243 (10/10/54); “History is a bitch while archery could be fun” (lO/26/54); “Archery is really fun. History keeps me hopping so does ROTC” (11/2/54); “Boy I have [hate?] history with a fierce intensity. I look forward to X mass vacation” (12/12/54); “I gave my speech in work shop today. I’d pass out if I got an ‘A’! Cause it wasn’t too hot” (1/19/55); “Eng 102 will certainly be rough all right!. . . . So much to do” (2/21/55); “I tried to work on my term paper but I lack the ambition. Will I ever get it done? (Dear God, for a ‘C’ !) (3/5/55; notice he is once again only hoping to pass); “I had a test in R.O.: I studied but cheated to make sure” (3/14/55; his cheating shows he is still breaking “rules”); “I’ve tried to study all day but I can’t do it!” (5/35/55); “I was shocked beyond compare to learn I got 60 points (E!) on Spanish test--Heavens above! Dear Lord I must get C ’5” (10/10/55); “Spanish is a morbid worry that could be surpressed with a little studying?” (10/12/55); “I arose at 5 mins. to 8 & went to Soc. at 8:10 I was slightly embarrassed to walk in so late” (11/4/55; in this case, he notes his feelings related to academic rules, unlike when he cheated); “I should be studying Soc. but I sure am not” (1 1/10/55); “I studied for a bitch of a Span. test. Rough!” (11/29/55); “I got a chewing out from Dr. Rye for talking to Paula 15 mins. The old fuddyduddy!” (12/5/55; more “rules” being broken); “Spanish dragged. Dam the reflexive verb & indirect obj. etc.” (12/6/55); “Dr. Brow didn’t show up so we just heard records. Class was fun. . . . I have an appointment with Dr Cartwright tomorrow. That dirty Woodsman has changed the test to Wed!” (12/12/55; again notice his notation of “fun” in relation to less academic work, like in high school); and I studied for Spanish & think I flunked it! I shut the car door on my fountain pen! The one I won in V of W. [speech] contest! I feel badly. I reported to Dr. Cartwrightuabout my Spanish I’m doing ‘D’ work. An 244 obscenity would be apprapoe! Big poly sc test tomorrow fooey on it. . . . I feel bad about pen! (12/13/55) In this last entry, that he feels worse about the pen than the “D” is telling in terms of his academic identity formation; however, his seeing his teacher positively relates to one of Jackson’s watershed academic identity behaviors, though Shaun seems to have gone at the teacher’s invitation (“reported”). In all of these comments, Shaun interestingly does not mention being bored with college as he does in high school. However, he is clearly having some difficulties forming an academic identity. One of the major causes of this is his fear of failure, perhaps the interfering issue which is his most serious. Fear of Failure in College Shaun writes several entries that express his fear of failure in college, a major change from high school, when he mostly noted what subject was hard. He begins writing them within a month after starting college: “I am so despondent over my college work & college at times” (10/14/54); “I may flunk” (10/19/54); “Got my [report] cards ROTC-D Archery[-]E English[-]C Speech[-]B Health & Ed-B Personal[-]B History-C yes quite a card eh” (1 1/14/54; his comment may be in response to his better high school grades; e.g., “W. history A[,] Speech A[,] Bookkeeping C[,] Economics B[,] Journalism A” [1 1/23/53]); “Will I make it?” (12/13/54); “I’m haunted with the thought of not passing. God willing I will” (1/3/55); “Wonder what my final marks are?” (2/1/55); “Wonder what my final grades were. Tomorrow?” (2/2/55); “When will I hear from the college?” (2/3/55; these entries show he is still concerned with his grades); “Got letter from Lois Meyer & my final marks: Health Ed—B, Pers.—-B, Speech—C+ (I’m mad) Hist— C, Eng C[,] ROTC—C (Wow!) & Archery—C, (Wow! )” (2/4/55; his “wows” may indicate pleasant surprise); “Ya know, I’m not enjoying my vacation as much as I anticipated. 245 But I rather dread going back & beginning anew” (2/6/55; he may still have feelings of displacement); “Well, Tomorrow I start another week. College can be a bother!” (2/27/55); “I’m swamped with work & would love to give up the ship” (3/18/55); and “Will I ever graduate. That is the question” (4/5/55). Clearly, even though he is still only a freshman when he wrote this last statement, he has his doubts, especially related to his work load, and these doubts are affecting his academic identity formation. During this same time period, as I noted in chapter 6, he is having lots of sex with many people, which may be one of the reasons he is finding it hard to study, and which may also indicate that his sexual identity formation is taking precedence over his academic identity formation. Related to this, Shaun writes an important entry concerning his academic identity formation in his April, 1955 “Memoranda” (which I partly discussed in chapter 6): Time is slipping by so quickly! In 3 more years I’ll be a college graduate or a burn. I’m occasionally inclined to believe the latter. . . . As I so often realize I have lost my educational spark. I no longer care about much of anything. I still like Joe tho. Shaun: Write 500 word theme & read lit. for Mon. did it on ‘Gramps Hunting & drinking’ Phooey! He is clearly very busy with college and his friends, and his mental turmoil could be related to his sexual identity and frustration. For example, five days earlier, he had become “rather worked up” kissing Emma during a double date, but besides kissing, he noted he “didn’t do much[--]darn” (4/25/55), and in his daily entry for April 30, he indicated he had been to Joe’s, but because of “Lots of company didn’t [have sex].” His frustration could be because of this lack of sex as well as a “male versus female” issue. Also, on April 19, he accepted a job interviewing “1 15 smokers at the college” for 246 one of his teachers. The following day, after conducting three of the interviews, he had written “I ought to have my dam head examined for accepting this offer to make the survey. . . . I’ll never make it” (4/20/55). For the next several days, he worried about it (e.g., “All day long I’ve worried about that survey. Dammit oh to get rid of it once & for all” [4/25/55]), but he finished it on April 28. The stress may have contributed to his negative academic identity comments in the memorandum a few days later. Further contributing to these negative comments could have been the stress he felt during the previous two months related to a term paper assignment. For example, under “Special Events” at the end of the 1955 diary, he had written in pen: “F eb-March 1955 My term paper ‘Why Students are eliminated from College.’ (I may be one of them!)” Under this entry in pencil, he wrote: “Will I ever forget the results of this fruitless labor?”80 When he gets back his term paper, he notes: “In Eng. Dr. Hepher said ‘[Shaun O’Hare] has a lot of gm ideas but when it comes to details he isn’t worth a continental.’ He’s a good ‘kid’” (4/1/55). A few days later, he notes “After Soc 1 pd. a call on Dr. Hepher. ‘Because of my inability to conform, my indifference of the term paper’ I received a ‘c-’. The old buzzard! (guess I deserved it tho.)” (4/4/55).81 A bit later, he also notes “I flunked a 10 quest. Eng. Vocabulary test. How, I’ll never know” (4/22/55). These incidents, too. could have contributed to his negative comments about his academic identity. Perhaps in light of these setbacks, Shaun soon writes “Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get thru. I lack all of the effort that I need. Oh well” (5/11/55). His “oh well” shows a bit of a continued lack of maturity. at least as far as his academic identity goes, but he ’0 As a good sign, he later adds in pen, “Yes, nearly!” (undated). 8‘ This idea of “conforming” in writing has been widely researched in Rhetoric/Composition, especially in relation to identity, performance, and genre theory (e.g., Kill; Fishman et al.; Mao; Goleman; Cook-Sather; Mauk; Faigley). 247 still knows he should put forth more effort, which is again a good sign. Similar entries include: “It’s a shame my week is spoiled by finals” (6/14/55); “I know I should do much more studying. Money will soon be a big problem” (10/5/55); “It’s a darn shame I have to ocassionally study. It ruins my vacation” (10/24/55); and “I feel I should do more studying” (11/8/55). The second of these entries shows that along with his worries about studying, he also worries about money as I explained in chapter 4 in relation to his socioeconomic identity, and this too, affects his academic identity. For example, at the end of his freshman year, he notes: “Perhaps I shall find summer employment. If I don’t I question the possibility of returning” (6/7/55) and “I’ll try [for a job] at the [auto plant] again tomorrow. It will either be the car or college I’ve soon found out!” (6/23/55). As I explained in chapter 4 (pp. 86, 97-98, 100), he eventually comes to see college as a way to secure money and the job status he comes to desire, greatly altering his academic identity. At this time, while he does not yet express those ideas, he does express a wish to return to college. In the memorandum for May, 1955, he writes: “I hope the Lord will see fit to keep me sane, healthy, happy & in college” and in the memorandum for June, 1955, he writes “The Lord willing I will make it back to college.” These are especially important entries in that they show his continued formation of an academic identity despite his difficulties; however, he continues to wax and wane over potential success. Continued Waxing and Waning in College While entries from Shaun’s diary during the remainder of his college days eventually demonstrate more success in forming an academic identity, he still has self- doubts about his abilities. Almost a year after declaring himself a college student, he writes “I dread returning to the educational problems” (1/1/56). Perhaps because of these problems, which are most likely related to his grades, he reverts to calling classes boring: 248 “Then I spent a boring hr in Soc. I liked Speech Class. . . . ROTC is a bore. . . . Oh for a ‘C’ in Spanish but I lack effort to achieve that goal” (1/4/56). Again, he notes his own responsibility in his success (or lack thereof). However, he also continues to strive for “tolerable” grades: “I skipped Poly Sc. & studied Spanish. . . . The Spanish test was difficult but I believe that I got a ‘C’ let’s hope so” (1/6/56). He does not always earn them, though: “The bitching news—~a ‘D’ on that Spanish test. Piss! !” (1/9/56) and “In Spanish we had a test on imperfect verbs--I flunked it--so what!” (1/10/56). His “so what” is perhaps an effort to tell himself it does not matter, but I think it does, since he also again writes “I should be doing more work but I am not” (1/15/56). Even so, perhaps as a further effort to tell himself that it does not matter, he declares “Spanish is a dirty rotten bore!” (1/17/56), and on 1/30/56, he writes “Dear Lord Oh for a ‘C’ in Spanish. Impossible.” Perhaps if he had fully achieved his academic identity, instead of declaring the class boring and the situation impossible, he may have gone to the teacher for help (a watershed behavior). Also, his use of “so what” relates to his earlier use of “oh well,” showing his continued lack of maturity regarding his academic identity. However, his acknowledgement of his responsibility shows some maturity, especially as he reinforces it on 2/2/56: “Got marks--Speech 212-B! ROTC 201-D; Soc 152-B!; Spanish 101-D!!; Polt Sc 201-C+; Soc 205-B; Lots of D’s but a 1.3 average. . . . Darn that ‘D’ in Spanish. I contribute it to: lack of study not lack of brains--just lazyiness. I’ve learned my lesson--I hope.” Had he indeed learned his lesson, this statement could have been an epiphany, but he did not learn it in the sense of being able to put his knowledge into practice: “I had a test in ROTC. Flunked it. I didn’t study. . . . I really should prepare for that Eng test but..[.]” (3/21/56). He continues to wax and wane in his awareness of himself as a successful student, recording some successes during this 249 particular semester (second semester sophomore) as I explained above, as well as some failures. As a first-semester junior, he writes the statement I quoted in the watershed behaviors section, above, about education being important to him (9/18/56), and indeed he makes a lot of progress toward forming a successful academic identity that semester. However, in his second semester as a junior, he again wanes. It is not surprising that Shaun again backtracks somewhat in his academic identity formation given his waxing and waning in the formation of his other identities, as well as the difficulty of identity formation in general. Shaun’s backtracking is based on his lack of studying and resulting lack of success: “I have exams tomorrow & I should really be worried. Eng especially!” (1/28/5 7) and “went to Play Pro final. Ruff test-~I flunked it but pray for a ‘C’ in the course” (2/1/57). At home between semesters, his concern intensifies: “I feel ruined, bored & restless. I r1_o_vy plan to teach & raise chickens” (2/2/57). While I am not sure where the comment on the chickens comes from, his comment about teaching is probably related to his taking teacher education courses; in the coming semester, he will do his first significant “practice teaching,” as he terms it, and this will both advance and retard his academic identity as a student and a teacher (addressed below). In any case, his worry does not last very long: “got mail. Marks Camping A, Eng B! (How?), Story Tell, J .D, & acting C & Play Pro ‘D’--I nearly flipped on that. Rest okay” (2/5/57). While these grades show he was justified worrying about the Play Production course grade earlier, he now feels better about his other grades, and he moves on to looking forward to the next semester: “Well, it looks like an enjoyable semester ahead. I sure hope so. Here’s hoping” (2/11/57). What seems to be driving his excitement is. the prospect of student teaching, but, showing how he has not yet fully formed an academic identity, he also writes “went to Practice Teaching. Excellent Critic, 250 brilliant pupils & inadequate me. I’ll really have to work” (2/1 5/5 7; by “critic,” he means his advisor). In this entry, he again expresses “insecurity at not belonging or not measuring up,” one of the issues Jackson identifies as interfering with academic identity formation, as I explained above. However, Shaun once again indicates he knows he can succeed if he works hard. The practice teaching goes well for the most part (discussed below), and at one point. Shaun writes “pract teach. Quiz, conclusion, & review of flag Mam—er. I feel accomplishment & relief” (4/11/57). Part of his accomplishment is probably also related to his advisor’s praise: “Critic meeting (Praising of me)” (4/9/5 7). Both no doubt positively contributed to his academic identity formation. Shaun’s academic identity formation is further solidified during his senior year in college, though he still feels some doubt, as just prior to it, he writes “God grant that I graduate. How nice it will seem to blow money & I’ll do it” (9/5/57). I first quoted this entry in chapter 4 to show how his socioeconomic and academic identities are connected in that he hopes his education will lead to a good job (p. 101). However, his senior year is more challenging, and this contributes to his doubt: “Am worried about thorough prep. in psyc & Ed [Psychology and Education, a more advanced teacher education course]” (9/29/57). He writes a lot about this course (he is also in his second “practice teaching” placement): Went to Grille. Free cof & 2 donuts. Studied theories of learn. (Assoc. VS Field theories) & outlined some there & here. Pract teach. Then more outlining. . . . Psyc & Ed a bore. I pepped it up. Critic meeting-nothing accomplished. . . . Shower & wrote 4 articles on Men. Health. Time By; I’m mentally in a turmoil. Lots of Psyc & Ed to do (if done right). (lO/l/57) 251 Based on this entry, his mental turmoil seems to be related to the amount of schoolwork he has to do, but it could also be related to his sexual identity as evidenced by what he wrote on 9/29/57: “Arose & disturbed about an noctural accident. . . . All alone all week-end. Give anything for gay company.” Whatever the cause, he still realizes that he is in control of his work (and, it appears, pepping up class), and that he can do it (“if done right”). Perhaps encouraging him to do it “right” is his “Hope to graduate” (10/3/57). He learns that he “need take only 12 required credit hrs next sem.” (10/4/57) to do so; but perhaps more importantly, he also notes he discusses with his advisor how he could “Get Masters at Ohio State in Columbus. . . . Hope I get to go” (10/4/57). That he hopes to go on to graduate school speaks well toward his forming an academic identity. Also towards his goal of graduating, he notes “Shall arise each morn. early to study” (10/6/57) and “Went to lib. & got psyc & Ed. bk. (will hit it now mentally eased over---)” (10/20/57). Again it would seem that his mental ease is due to his improved study habits, but it is probably due more to his having found his wished for “gay company” (see also chapter 6, p. 184): “Have I really got a gay pal? Too good to be true! . . . . I feel good. How happy I am. . . . Yippee!” (1 0/20/57). In fact, a few days later, he notes “Then to class. I taught (radio scripts ect.[)] Felt inadequate” (1 0/23/ 5 7), further supporting his mental ease as being sexually related (though not too at ease, as he also writes on that day “[saw] 3 psyc & Ed movies. Repressed & bored beyond measure”). Soon after this, he writes “Psyc & Ed test easy. K_new material & checked it. Yet I missed 14 questions out of 86. ( 25th place in Class of 28!) How come? Pray for ‘C’ in course. Felt depressed” I1 1 / 7/ 5 7), demonstrating that he is back to hoping just to pass. Perhaps to compensate for his test results, he later notes “Psyc & Ed less of a bore. I once again monopolized conversation to gain mark recognition” (1 1/1 1/57). His turmoil continues, but over tests: 252 “Read the 4 Chaps in Psyc & Ed. on M[ental] H[ygiene]. . . . Will I be glad to get over tests, worry, ect. Dread them” (I 1/12/5 7). He takes one of these tests the next day— “Test a bitch but I kngw it. Pay for a ‘C”’ (l 1/13/57)—followed by one the day after: “Test was a bitch! Rough! 2:30-4:10” (11/15/57). He does not learn the results until after his “extemship” (full-time student teaching) ends in January, after which he writes “Had class on test in Psychology got 5th highest on School Law (Ed) got 5th lowest. Well!” (1/7/58). His “well!” comment seems more mature than his previous “oh well” comments; perhaps he is commenting on the mixed results, but without dismissing them this time. In his last semester, he finds more value in his classes—“Then Eng gram.--I like §o_fgr. Then Soc (Collect Behav.) from Rouch. Stimulating” (2/14/58)—but he continues to worry about his work, including not doing it: “I have so much work & fear & dread it. (But don’t do it)” (3/6/58); “Fear test in A.M. believe me” (3/11/58); and “Had Eng test (monitered by student.) A bitch but feel I knew it” (3/28/58). His confidence is another good sign regarding his academic identity formation, and indeed, on M95 8, he notes “In Eng got a ‘B’ on the test. Wow.” Another indication of his confidence (albeit mixed) is on 4/11/58: “Had bitch of test in discuss[ion]. May have gotten ‘C’!. . . . Eng Gram now difficult & complex[.] Bothers me but I’ll get it.” Despite a bit of a lack of confidence to follow—“Soc Test rather simple (which means a low mark for me)” (4/1 4/5 8), “I have come to the conclusion that I have more work than time ahead of me. Hope I can get something done” (5/11/58), and “Life looks wt. . . . Money is no prob but classes are” (5/12/58)—Shaun graduates with a “BS. in Ed. Degree (only 5 given new Degree)” 6/8/58. He later indicates his grades (“My marks-- B’s & C’s” [6/23/58]) and notes he “Got provisional Certificate & transcript from CMC” 253 (6/26/5 8), suggesting that he has finally formed his academic identity as a successful student. However, he has not, as his entries from graduate school will indicate. Shaun’s Academic Identity Formation as a Graduate Student Shaun’s academic identity formation as a student continues throughout graduate school as it did in college in three important ways: he expresses his feelings for his classes (mostly negative), he agonizes over his time and grades, and he increasingly fears failure. In graduate school, however, Shaun faces the new interfering issues of institutional constraints on his academic success and the fallout from his 1959 crisis. All of these issues contribute to Shaun’s continued waxing and waning in his acceptance of his student identity, an acceptance that is still contingent upon his academic success. His waxing and waning will continue throughout his pre-master’s studies (including in an important class assignment, his “Mental Health Log”), master’s program, and doctoral program. Pre-Master’s Studies Landing a teaching job during his senior year in college replaces Shaun’s desire to attend Ohio State. He again considers graduate school the fall after he graduates, but decides he is “Not interested” (9/8/58). He does not explain why; perhaps it is because he has just started his first full-time teaching job.82 The following summer, he is admitted to College Town University (CTU, formerly College Town College) for three classes: Philosophy of Education (“lots of work”), Advanced lnterp[retation] (“some ’2 However, the next summer, he writes the following in his Mental Hygiene Log (3 document I explain below): “For the last three summers I have worked in private camps. . . . This beginning of my Master’s seems a poor substitute at the present time but in long—range-perspective I suppose it will pay off. I appreciate the need for a further education but not right now” (6/29/59). He enjoyed working as a camp counselor, and perhaps he knows that he will not enjoy all the work graduate school involves (work about which he will complain in his diary). Also, he will not earn any money if he does not work during the summer. 254 work”) and Mental Hygiene (“scads of work”) (6/23/59). He calls most of his class sessions “a bore,” eventually declaring “Piss on all the studies” (7/12/59), reflecting a negative intermediate academic identity. As in college, he is “Scared of test[s]!” (7/15/59) and indicates he often “didn’t study” (7/16/59). However, in a more positive step, instead of praying to pass, he now “Prays for B or higher” (7/19/59) as he did in high school. Also like in college, he changes his opinion again when he does well: “Philos. of Ed. no longer a bore! Got ‘A’ on big test. (Wrote 800 Words in 40 min.) Wow!” (7/20/59). Soon, though, he writes “Philos a bore (He [teacher] said all A’s or B’s in there)” (7/28/5 9). Perhaps he felt since everyone was doing well, it was not sucha big deal. However, a few days later, indicating it may indeed be a big deal, he notes: “Philos. a bore. Speech got A on Steinbeck reading & D on term paper. The latter shocked me horribly! M.H. a bore. . . . Home & hot. Studied a little & said ‘Piss on it!” (7/30/59). His grades seem to be a bigger deal in that they shock him, but he dismisses his poor performance with his last comment, much like he did in college (“oh well”), which shows he has not really progressed in his academic identity. However, he feels better the next day, which is often the case with him: Philos of Ed.--5 essay ques. glad I didn’t study--easier than lst test? Speech--big, ruff 4 essay quest A or E? M.H. got back log--she m it & ‘Predicts brilliant Career for me in teaching’ & liked term paper. D in speech is minimized. . . . Happy end of summer school. (7/31/59) The log he refers to is an assignment from the first day of class to keep a “Mental Hygiene ‘Log,”’ as he titles it on its cover. Fortunately, Shaun saved this log, and it was among the materials his friend loaned to me, as I mentioned in chapter 2. Besides illuminating a few aspects of his other identities as I have previously noted, it sheds an 255 interesting light on his current academic identity formation (as well as on his teacher education).83 Shaun writes in his log between 6/23/59 and 7/28/59. He is more reflective in the log than in his daily diary entries (much like he is in the memoranda entries in his diary when such pages are provided, as I explained in chapter 3), and some of these reflections relate to his academic identity. For example, as I noted above, he writes in his diary that the Mental Hygiene course will be “scads of work” (6/23/59). In his log entry for that day, however, he is more reflective: “From the amount of work assigned in here (and in other classes as well) I was scared, ready to go home, and confounded. . . . After a year of h_arg work teaching I fear that I ’11 have trouble.” His statements reinforce his dislike of hard work that several diary entries note, but they also tie together his being both a teacher and a student, something his diary rarely does. Along these lines, he later notes: I find it w difficult to have someone teach me now, since I’m a teacher. It’s hard to listen all hour. (I know [sic] look back with a different outlook when I was teaching.) Today, in class I gave a report on “Psychoses & New Growth.” (7/2/59) Since his corresponding diary entry only notes “M.H. gave report on ‘Psychoses & New Growth,” this relationship to his academic identity—particularly that his being a student again has positively affected his teacherly identity—would have remained hidden without the log. A third student/teacher tie-in that would have been lost without the log is his 3" While I had not mentioned it in chapter 6, his log also sheds some light on his sexual identity. For example, he signs one of his entries “The Most Happy Bachelar” (7/2/59). Recall that during this pre-crisis time. he is having lots of sex with many people. Also. he seems to do some facework in his entries: “The young lady I met in class, whom I sit next too, has made it seem quite nice” (7/1/59). Interestingly, there is a converse efl’ect as well; in one of his diary entries, he notes “Then cruised & sat & looked. No luck--bad for M.H. I’ll bet” (7/17/59). He does not mention this in his log (highlighting the significant differences in audience between his diary and his log). 256 feeling that experience as a teacher helps him better understand many of the issues being discussed in class. After a student panel on “our problems” (including “effective use of discipline”), Shaun notes, The last few hurried moments of the hour devoted to “suggestions to the teacher” proved to be very much worthwhile. (Although, I fear, only experience in the profession could justify the ideal “essay-type examinations” and why we £15m: have many of them!) (7/9/59)84 That Shaun is tying in his experiences as a teacher to his graduate studies is a good sign of his continuing to form an academic identity, a sign that would be lost without the log. In his diary that day, he simply notes “M.H. student panel--okay.”85 Another example of better understanding his student identity because of the log relates to the diary entry I quoted above about his “A” on a Philosophy of Education test, the result of which was his declaring the course “no longer a bore” and ending his statement with “Wow!” (7/20/59). In his log for that day, he elaborates: My mental hygiene is the best yet this summer. Today I got an “A” (not A- or below but A) from Dr. Booster in a two hr. class. It is beyond belief. I guess I may succeed on my Master’s if I try. I am highly elated at this and very surprised-and I’m not being hLmblg! What a difference this makes. Besides providing a better understanding of his “wow” diary comment, this log entry also highlights the differences in audience between the two documents, a difference that probably accounts for the extra reflection. His “I’m not being humble” statement seems ’8’ He is probably referring to the time it takes to grade them, especially in light of the number of students high school teachers have; for example. on 9/22/58, he notes “I collected 72 essays from 9th grd.” ’5 Perhaps if the 1959 diary volume had monthly “memoranda” pages, he would have been more reflective in it, further supporting my argument in chapter 3 about the technology of the diary affecting his writing. 257 to refer to the teacher reading the diary. In fact, some of his entries may be an attempt to “gain mark recognition” (1 1/11/57), a technique he used in the past (see p. 252). Indeed, he acknowledges that “a mark might possibly be effected by what we write [in this log]” (7/2/59). Examples of entries in the log that may be intended to show himself in a good light include: “Today I enjoyed M.H. Class, as usual” (7/3/59, compared to “M.H. ok” in his diary on that day); “Today in Mental Hygiene we dipped our fingers lightly in various pies of worthy concern” (7/7/59, compared to another “M.H. ok” in his diary); and—in relation to having read some of the essays in his teacher’s edited collection—“I imagine after a hard day’s teaching that our spirits could become much elevated by what those writers have written” (7/3/59; in his diary, he simply mentions he read some of his teacher’s book). Interestingly, he explains he is not trying to affect his grades in one log entry by writing, in relation to a term paper he turned in, “It is only twelve or fourteen pages long but it included much work. (This is not meant to influence the mark since you won’t read this till much later[)]” (7/18&19/59, as he dates the entry). Whatever his reasons for writing what he does, Shaun’s log does shed more light on his academic identity during the first semester of his graduate studies. Master’s Program Shaun continues to form his academic identity as he continues his graduate studies, but because of his crisis in October, 1959, the fallout of which causes some interference in his academic identity formation, he does not return to graduate school until the summer of 1961. Perhaps his janitor’s job the previous summer helped convince him to go back to school for his master’s degree, but he does not say (he did not like the job as I explained in chapter 4). He does not seem very enthusiastic, however: “C.T.U. stop & prepare for summer school -- I guess” (6/4/61). His lack of enthusiasm could be 258 related to his lack of a fully formed academic identity, but it could also be related to the extreme pressure he is under because of his sexual identity formation struggles (which I explained in chapter 6). Closer to the start of classes, though, he is “Excited about College Town” (6/17/61). Just like before, he finds it “Log of work!” (6/20/61) and notes “Will I gel get everything read?--I wonder” (6/21/61). This time, though, he shows some improvement in his academic identity formation as he notes more time studying: “If I get 6hrs ‘A’ I'll earn it! . . . . Read too much & felt a drive to study!” (6/22/61). However, his old academic habits die hard (like his sexual habits): “Had test. Pray I get ‘A’! (Could be from D to A). . . . Shakesp. l-2:35. Big test coming up--dread it!” (7/5/61) and “Read lots of Shakespeare (will I get higher than C on test? Doubt it but will try). . . . Cruised & read--nothing! Darn! . . . . Shakesp. that class is dead, dead! Cruised” (7/6/61). Much as he did with many of his college classes, he continues to express his dislike of his Shakespeare class, but also expresses joy at succeeding in his children’s literature class: “Got A- on Test Yippee!. . . . Read all of Alice in Wonder Lag: in l hr--fast reader! . . . . Shakesp 1-2:50--He didn’t say glg word all 2 hrs! Detest it & am learning 0!” (7/1 1/61). One positive sign is that his dislike for Shakespeare seems to be tied to his perception that he is not learning anything.86 It could also be due to his poor performance, however: “Got Shakesp. paper C-/D+ That Bastard! I deserved an A. (I didn’t deserve the A in Kid lit tho.)” (7/17/61). Around this time, he expresses 8" Two summers ago. he also comments on his learning in his Mental Hygiene course log: “I have learned a ggeit deal about various stimulating teaching techniques in this class. I feel so at home yet I feel I’m learning a lot, even if I d_o like it” (WI 559). While this comment may have been to make him look good to the teacher, it does connect learning to his enjoyment. The teacher wrote in the margin, “Learning gag be fun!” Also, a second comment shows his awareness of such a connection: “I have enjoyed this class a great deal. That doesn’t sound as if I learned anything, does it? I can truthfully say that, with some distaste for effort, that I learned to do a lot of work with less effort in your class” (7/28/59). The teacher does not indicate her opinion about this comment. Shaun’s diary certainly supports his distaste for effort. and at least he is trying to adapt to his situation (though not always successfully as future diary entries show), which is part of forming an academic identity. 259 worry “about proper credits for Master’s Degree” (7/25/61), a worry that is justified as on 7/25/61, he learns “My 6 hrs this summer don’t count on Master’s--they’re not 400 or above courses. lst I knew. Mad about this!” This signals the beginning of the interference caused by institutional constraints on his academic success. He ends the courses with mixed results: “got grades: “Shakesp C- (Bastard) Kid lit--A— okay!” (7/30/61). During the following short session that summer (one class), he expresses satisfaction with his performance: “I got 3rd highest [on a test] in class of 28--not bad! Enjoyed class. Lots of M people!” (8/2/61; as in high school, his enjoyment is still tied to his social identity as well). As usual, he is waxing and waning in his identity formation. His next graduate courses are two weekend classes at CTU in the spring of 1962, and again, he expresses not having enough time: “Boy I feel M! I’ll nae; get all studied for Saturday” (2/11/62). This is understandable as he is also teaching full time, but what is especially interesting in terms of his academic identity formation is his declaration “What a hectic life. CTU ruins it!” (2/15/62). He has never written anything quite so strongly as his life being ruined by his studies. In that same entry, he also writes “I dreaded studying today & ended up not doing any! Damn, I dread a test! Hope none Sat.” A few days later, he writes “Radio 9-l 1:00--a term paper, yet! Ugh. . . . Rhetoric l-3--that class kills me--boring!” (2/17/62). Besides his continued use of “boring,” his new use of “kills me” goes along with his life being ruined, further speaking to the state of his academic identity. Another major shift in his academic identity is evidenced in his diary entry of 3/4/62: “Read Radio-~big test next Sat. Ugh. Pray for an A. J. M. J. save me!” He has prayed for good results in the past, but he has never phrased it as being “saved.” 260 However, this phrasing makes sense given his currently intense sexual identity struggles, especially in the light of his daily pleas to Jesus, Mary, and Joseph to save him from his homosexuality (currently written in the top margins of his daily entries, as I explained in chapter 6). Besides these new twists, his other entries continue as usual: “Class 9-10:50. m test. I could get D to A (pray for A but bet I don’t!) . . . . Rhetoric—-hate it!” (3/10/62); “Radio class got B- on test--ugh!” (3/17/62); “Feel guilty not studying!” (3/20/62); and “Read a _b_i_t. Why don’t I study for Saturday? Darn!” (3/26/62). Despite his continued worries over his grades, he cannot effectively apply himself. Back to his theme of a'ruined life, he soon notes “Ugh! Is it Mb [it] to ruin life for 4 lousey credit hours? I wonder!” (4/2/62) and “I’ve ruined Feb to June[,] 7 da[ys each] wk on acct of C.T.U. Sony I got involved” (4/5/62), intermixed with “Home & didn’t feel like studying. I feel guilty too!” (4/4/62) and “Will I regret I didn’t study” (4/6/62). Even though he is not studying very much, he manages to do well: “Got a B on lst test [in rhetoric]--I’m happy!” (4/14/62); “Radio 9-10:45-—Test back. I got highest mark--A on essay. Happy!” (4/28/62); and “Radio exam 9-9:45--all essay. Fairly easy. Term paper C+ (better than I hoped). . . . Rhetoric test 1-3:00--outside & oral (as I suggested.) Term paper B-” (6/2/62). In the end, he ends up with “2 8+5 on U. grades” (6/15/62) and decides to take two summer classes, perhaps reflecting a boost in his confidence from these results, positively contributing to his academic identity formation. His summer also boosts his confidence, as he does even better in his classes, despite his declaration that “I’ll loaf & try to get Bs this summer” (6/27/62). He notes that on one assignment, he “got ‘A/A-’ highest mark in class. Yippee” (7/18/62), which results in his declaring a few days later, “Arose 7:10. Full of pep & optimism. Summer schl I love!” (7/20/62). At the end of the class, he learns that he “got the only A out of 17 261 people in adv pub sp” (8/1/62), which must have also boosted his confidence. He takes another course (dramatic play production), and even though he writes “I don’t like this course. I’m worn out” (7/1/63), he earns an A-. Perhaps because of these successes, he continues taking courses the next summer and for the first time mentions continuing beyond the master’s degree: “Sp[each] class a bore! I hope when I get my Ph.D. (& I plan it!) I’m not so dry!” (6/26/64). He continues to be successful in classes, thereby progressing in his academic identity formation, despite his continued issues with studying—“Feeling guilty I didn’t get term paper done. God help me!” ([7/5/64) and “Feel guilty I’m not studying” (7/25/64)——and his continued dislike of some of his classes: “Eng Classics--Dr. Raymond (ugh what a puke!) 8-10230. He is terrible. . . . Got open b[oo]k final b[ac]k in T.V. in Classrm--got ‘A’--happy! . . . . Bed 10:30. I hate that English class with a passion, but I’d love another A to make a perfect summer!” (8/17/64). No longer is his life a “ruin”— now it is “perfect.” In fact, it is “paradise”: “Eng 8-10:30. Paradise Lost-greatest masterpiece I’ve read! . . . . Home & read Paradise Regained (Paradise will be F rid when I get MA & get out of here)” (8/26/64). He earns an “A on exam & final grade” (8/29/64) and looks forward to continuing his studies, despite his comment about “getting out of here”: “Hope I get some breaks on my Ph.D. as well!” (9/20/64). Once again, it would seem he has finally achieved his academic identity. However, he has not, as the diary entries related to his doctorate program show. Doctoral Program Soon after Shaun finishes his master’s degree, he begins his doctorate (one class at Big State University [BSU] on Thursdays 7-10 pm. at the professor’s house), but his enthusiasm wanes considerably: “Home & read How We Think by John Dewey for 262 speech. Dread this class!” (10/7/64). This is probably because he feels inferior to his classmates: “To Dr. Reynold’s house . . . . Seminar 920[,] 7—10:00[,] 12 people there. Over my head. I’m dumb & un-read!” (10/8/64). In a statement similar to feeling like his life is ruined, he notes “To B.S.U. . . . Class 7-10:00 (10:15 at Dr. Reynold’s home.) Basement-~14 members. I hate it & love Thurs at 10:30--a wk a My! Frustrated” ( 1 1/12/64). Interestingly, despite his feeling entrapped and frustrated, he soon demonstrates progress again in his academic identity formation: “I’m lost but at least a relaxed lost. I’m beginning to be a group member” (10/15/64). Even so, he notes “Class 7-10:30. A mum it, darn it” (1 0/22/64), drawing on old habits which are antithetical to forming an academic identity, as is his statement “God I h_at§ this college stuff” (1 1/21/64). Par for the course, however, he changes his mind because he ends up doing well: “[In class, I gave m]y report lst (he said ‘Excellent[’] & I hope I got A)” (12/3/64). Even in a more positive move, he soon writes “I enjoyed this eve’s class. Maybe I _am Ph.D. stuff--but I always doubted this. Pray I get my A but may not. (M get B a_ny_w_ay)” (12/17/64). He does do well: “got A in Semi[nar] at B.S.U.--yypee!” (12/24/64), once again reinforcing progress toward an academic identity. For the rest of his doctoral coursework, Shaun will continue to wax and wane in very similar ways despite his successes, further reinforcing his academic identity struggle: “Dread B.S.U. classes Tuesdays--ugh!” (1/25/65); “Enjoyed it. Dr. Reynolds is great great!” (1/26/65); “To B.S.U. at 6:20 (dread it every time)” (2/9/65); “T.V. & bed 9:35 (feel guilty neglecting B.S.U. Class)” (3/8/65); “Got ‘A’ in mail from Dr. Reynolds! (Now 6 hrs ofA out of 90 on Ph.D.)” (3/26/65); “B.S.U. & Dr. Hanks Sem in Rhet & Pub address. 7-10:05--ugh--what a bore. No break & high flown talk” (4/5/65); “B.S.U. Rhetoric 7-10:10[.] W av over my head! I’m not Ph.D. material I tell you!” (4/22/65); “I 263 anticipate [teaching] school in AM (where I gm somebodyl)” (4/25/65; note the continued feelings of inferiority as well as the connection to his teacherly identity, which I discuss below); “Feel very guilty over B.S.U. class neglect” (4/26/65); “Now bed 10:10 --something done at last for B.S.U.” (4/27/65); “Dr. Hanks {gally talks (I feel so inferior!) (4/29/65); “class--interesting, very difficult & lgng lo_ng (no break!)” (5/6/65); “I predict I’m too dumb to get a Ph.D. degree--I dread & fear 18 papers for this class” (5/13/65); "Got A from Dr. Hanks Sem. Rhet & P.A.-—920--_W_ow! I was so tickled” (6/17/65); “Lord how busy, busy this all is. Hope I can preserve some shred of sanity” (6/28/65); “I hate grad schl” (6/29/65); “Bed ll:30--ugh. I’d like to quit schl!” (7/18/65); “Class 7- 10:30. I spoke last 20 min. Everyone liked it. An A in the bag I hope” (7/26/65); “My grades came--all A’s--that cheered me considerably. Wow!” (8/6/65); “Got B.S.U. grades (all A’s-mow has 4.0 on 25 hrs Wow Wow!)” (9/12/65); “[Class] is big--63 pupils & will be a bore. Lots of brains & I’m afraid” (1/12/66); “To Dr. Ponce lO-l 1:20 & we mapped out scads of courses ahead. Will I gye; finish?” (9/2/66); “Worked on Adult Ed class--I have no pep or interest!” (2/2/67); “BSU class 7-10200 Ugh! --I bite it” (3/6/67); “sp Crit class 7-10:00--a waste of time. How I hate those enormous assignments!” (4/18/67); “My mind is confused over this sp class--darnn it!” (4/19/67); “Hate Sp. Crit” (4/26/67); "Got 2 A’s on 2 sp Crit papers” (5/2/67); “SpCrit 7-9:30--got 3 As & l A- wow” (5/16/67); “I got 3 As & a B on my papers” (5/23/67); “To BSU & signed up for 13 cred hrs (8 sp & 5 Eng)--how I dread this long haul of summer schl.” (6/19/67); “Ugh Ugh . . . . I’m all nerved up & worry terribly about classes” (6/22/67); “I detest Dr. Thom & his methods of teaching” (7/3/67; notice the more specific reason for disliking a class); “Began my sp on Ethos for Thur. nite & worked 1/2 hr or so--I’m so bored with schl!” (7/4/67); “worked my butt of’ (7/5/67); “Hate sum. schl” (7/9/67); “to see [professor] & 264 got sample quantitative paper to use as model for my proposal” (7/12/67; a good sign that he is still asking for help); “I sure detest summer shcl & would 10$ to relax” (7/22/67); “Went to Thom’s Class & took final exam--a breeze I knew it all!” (7/26/67); “Tried to study but am so damned tired of it” (8/11/67); “Tried to study & find it more difficult daily!” (8/15/67); “I detest, detest, detest school!” (8/17/67); Class 8-9:20--detest it--got term paper bk--got ‘D’--very unfair--talked to [professor]--even with an A on final I couldn’t get above a C. . . . Phoned Dr. Ponce for a drop card (& tomorrow is last day of class-m depressed!) . . . dropped the damned class! Ughl. . . . What a _b_l_o_w a D on term paper! (8/24/67); “Sup--then to Spanish Class 7 - 8:30. I’m so tired of classes & doing what I don’t want to do” (10/17/67); and “Home & didn’t do much studying-detest it & am so very tired after teaching all day” (1 0/23/67). This last entry is particularly important as it also demonstrates a rare connection between his identity as a student and his identity as a teacher in that his student work is stressing him out, which affects his teaching, as evidenced in the next day’s entry: “I got so tense & the kids nearly drove me nuts!” (10/24/67). This stress also shows up in his year-end entry: “I’ve got 12 hrs to go on the Ph.D. yet--l think I doubt I’m smart enough to get it” (12/31/67). Despite his worries, he does successfully finish his coursework and move on to his comprehensive exams, a move which still does not result in a fully achieved academic identity. Shaun has two more years to go until he earns his doctorate, having to first pass his comprehensive exams, and the process is equally as difficult, as evidenced by his continued expressions of doubt (though since he has now formed his sexual identity, the process may be easier, but he does not make this connection in his diary): “will I ever 265 pass it all? I wonder” (2/12/68, including his language requirements); “must pass comps. by Aug. I’m not brite enuff to do it” (1968 Year-end entry); “Studied 1 1/2 hrs--began on Comprehensives & really fear it” (1/6/69; he begins to record a running total of study time at the top of each entry until 3/31 when he records a total of 224 hrs); “Sure hope to get that darned Ph.D & I’m really plugging away at it” (1/14/69); “I’m somewhat worried about Comps. If the good Lord wants me to get a Ph.D, tho, I’ll get one--even if I’m not too bright” (2/3/69; notice the continued connection to his religious identity); “Halfway plan on Comps. in April--hope I can & pass them!” (3/10/69); “Ph.D. studies are ruff & I mean ruff!” (3/l 4/69); “Home 3:30 & then I studied a bit--I’ve really lost my zip. I detest studying & no longer enjoy teaching. I wonder what I’m really cut out to do” (3/17/69; another important connection with his teacherly identity, which I discuss below); “All upset over these darned exams” (3/3 0/69); “Will I ever pass these darned Comps? I wonder!” (5/5/69); “Life seems to be a pattern & I pray I ever get my PHD degree--it has been ruff!” (5/21/69); “I sure will be glad to get these Comps passed (if I ever do!)” (5/26/69); “I didn’t do a_ny studying at all today & really feel guilty about it!” (6/5/69); “Will I ever take & pass these darn tests? I wonder!” (6/6/69); “Really mentally pooped these days. Only the good Lord will see that I get a Ph.D. Pray that I get one!” (6/9/69); “I dread the tests & they seem so useless. If I ever get a Ph.D. I’ve earned the darned thing” (6/15/69); and “Life is such a bore when all I do is study study study” (6/20/69). His studying soon ends, and he “Learned T_ug:§ from Dr Hanks I passed a_ll my tests-- yippee--so happy over that” (7/7/69). However, an “achieved” academic identity—one that Shaun can accept free of anxiety—is still a dissertation away. Like Shaun’s coursework and his comprehensive exams, his dissertation provides significant challenges, but he meets them: “Between diet, & dissertation & other worries 266 I’m getting very nervous” (9/15/69); “Wish dissertation were done” (9/20/69); “Home & worked on dissertation--slow but sure getting it done” (10/23/69); “I’ll graduate in March (God willing!)” (1/13/70); “Saw Dr. Hanks--he says I can graduate March 15 yippee! (Orals should be Feb 9--11th or 12th.)” (1/19/70); “Will be glad when dissertation is all done!” (1/29/ 70); “To Dr Reynolds office & orals 12:20-2:00. All signed but Thom--he wants different conclusion. Me mad & upset” (2/ 10/ 70); “Very anxious about Drs Degree” (2/1 1/70); and “to BSU & Hanks & I saw Dr Thom--Bloody Englishman. He passed me--I’m now officially Dr O’Hare--yippee!” (2/12/70). Only now that Shaun has successfully earned his doctorate degree and is no longer a student can I conclude that he has formed his academic identity as a student (using Marcia’s paradigm). Besides that last quoted entry. however, the closest he comes to externalizing an epiphany related to this is “So very busy, eh Dr O’Hare?” (2/27/70). He is much more explicit about forming his academic identity as a teacher; however, his teacherly identity formation is equally as rocky. Shaun’s Formation of a Teacherly Identity Students don't arrive late for Dr. [Shaun 0 'Hare 's] classes. It simply isn ’t smart. . . . “Kids want discipline—there is absolutely no question about that. ” is [0 ’Hare ‘sjfirm opinion and his classroom reflects that attitude. The more than 150 students who pass through his room each day . . . not only arrive on time but sit quietly in neat rows facing him—and pay attention. --1 974 Leweston Newspaper Article Back from his one-year sabbatical, Dr. [Shaun 0 'Hare], legendary English teacher, is stillfull of vim and vigor. --l985 Student Newspaper Article Mr. [0 'Hare], Best of luck always to a fine English teacher. I always really do mean this. even though sometimes I don ’t show it. Thank youfor giving me a rough time. Sometimes I don 't appreciate it but in the over all picture I will. It will help me with knocks in latter life. God bless you. --Ernie Rhymes, Student 267 Ernie, writing on the back of a senior class photo which I found in the box of materials accompanying the diary, thanks Shaun for being a “fine English teacher” and for “giving [him] a rough time.” Based on Shaun’s diary entries, Ernie was part of the Riverton St. John’s High School Class of 1962, and the hard times include: “Eng 12-- Ernie Rhymes a bit fresh & cut him down” (10/11/61); “What a fin; day. . . . Eng 12 (Favorite class[)]. Ernie Rhymes hates me-—wish I could break thru to him!” (3/27/62); and “Em Rhymes & Doug Hurt threw pebbles or ? up at window. Em stayed 4:30-5:45 & we worked out prob” (4/1 1/62). Shaun does not mention receiving the photo. However, this particular photo must have held some meaning for Shaun, or he probably would not have kept it. Some meaning can perhaps be found in Shaun’s teacherly identity, which does include satisfaction from mentoring/counseling students and very firm ideas related to discipline, as evidenced in his diary (explained below) and as the above newspaper clippings he also saved suggest. To better understand Shaun’s teacherly identity, at least as I was able to interpret it from his diary. I once again turned to research in the field. In chapter 1, I discussed the renewed interest in identity construction in the fields of Composition and Education, particularly as it relates to teacherly identity and studying teachers’ lives, and I explained why the topic is important. In chapter 2 I discussed various methodological considerations. There are many ways of theorizing teacherly identity. Besides those ways I discussed in chapters 1 and 2, for example, there is a career cycle approach in which teacherly identity is matched to various stages in a teacher’s career, stages given labels such as “Novice, Apprentice, Professional, Expert, Distinguished, and Emeritus (Steffy and Wolfe 16) or “preservice, induction, competency building, enthusiasm and growth, career frustration, career stability, career wind-down, 268 and career exit” (Lynn 179). However, much of this research has already been done (e. g., Huberman; Steffy et al.; F essler and Christensen; Ball). Part of the appeal for me in studying Shaun’s diary was doing so within the research tradition of American cultural rhetorics, which includes exploring the counter stories of those in the margins, as I explained in chapter 1. Also, I was especially interested in the professional and personal nature of studying teachers’ lives in relation to identity formation, as several of the researchers I discussed in chapters 1 and 2 explore (e. g., Goodson; Goodson and Sikes; Denzin; Carter and Doyle; Coldron and Smith; Witherell and Noddings; Beijaard et al.; Cushman; Holdstein and Bleich; Mutnick; Ohmann). One researcher I did not include in either chapter who feels both the personal and professional are important to understanding teacherly identity is teacher educator Janet Alsup, whose recent research (2006) was particularly helpful in my study of Shaun’s teacherly identity. Calling teacherly identity formation “an important (if not the most important) part of being a teacher” (1 4), Alsup writes about the difficulty new teachers face in trying to construct a professional identity, especially those who are part of marginalized groups such as the working class, non heterosexual, and racial minorities (7). Part of the difficulty, she explains, is developing a teacherly identity “that is both accepted by the school and palatable to” oneself (xiv), something she feels is not being taught in current teacher education programs because “identity concerns . . . are difficult to tackle” (4). But it is perhaps one of Alsup’s questions that is most important to Shaun’s teacherly identity construction: “How do you get and keep a job without giving up the very essence of who you are?” (xiv). The answer for Shaun (as I interpreted it using his diary) is that he could not imagine getting or keeping a job without trying to suppress who he was sexually. even after he came to personally accept his sexual identity, and even after 269 he was no longer "new,” and this affected his teacherly identity formation throughout the period of the diary I read, a process which began for Shaun in high school, but especially blossomed in college and came to fruition while he was teaching firll time and attending graduate school. Shaun’s Teacherly Identity Formation in High School Early in his diary, Shaun writes various entries that relate to his future teacherly identity, something that can be expected according to teacher educator Gary Knowles, who has written about the importance of “early teacher role models” and prior experiences teaching (ctd. in Alsup 107). In fact, according to Alsup, Knowles calls these two factors, along with “early childhood experiences,” the “most important” factors in forming “an ‘image of self as teacher’” (107). While Shaun’s early childhood experiences are not included in his diary, his high school experiences are, including his mentioning assignments from his teachers that he will replicate. when he becomes a teacher himself. For example, on 5/15/51, a fifteen-year-old Shaun writes “Tonite was the Music Festivle in the gym at 8 till 10:30. I sure was nervous-J had to say a poem.” He will have his own students memorize and recite poems, as both his diary and the first newspaper clipping quoted above (later in the article) indicate. Other examples of such assignments he writes about include: “We gave impromptu speeches in English[--]l minute preparation” (1 1/27/51); “Speeches in English are fun. I give one on a book tomorrow” (10/21/52); “We are having debates in English. I like them” (1 1/11/52); “I got 2nd place [in a speech contest]--was so happy. Everyone says I should have gotten first. A real experience” (1.1/15/53); and “I gave an impromptu talk this morn. (A)[.] Mr Scharon says I can take over his 7th grade Science class 5th hr shortly. I hope so” (3/8/54). This last statement is important in another way besides simply indicating an 270 assignment Shaun will replicate in his own classes (impromptu talks); it also indicates Shaun had his first teaching experience in high school, another of Knowles’ factors important to developing a self-image as a teacher, as I mentioned above. Shaun does not elaborate very much on his first teaching experience. For example, he does not indicate if the teacher asked him to take over the class, or if he asked to do it himself. His wording of “Mr Scharon says I can take over . . . shortly” implies Shaun may have asked to do it, especially since he adds “I hope so.” That Shaun was aware of the concept of “practice teaching” is evidenced in his diary the previous year: “We had a practice teacher in shop (Mr. Ford)[;] I don’t like him at gfl!” (1/22/53). Also, he had commented on his regular teachers a few times: “Hell schools fun except Typing—Mr. F olkson doesn’t teach it well” (9/10/52) and “Typinguoh brother I don’t like it. English--the teacher ‘stinks’” (9/14/52; he also comments on his teachers in college and graduate school). However, he does not state a desire to become a teacher; in fact, he writes, “I’m going to be a disc Jockey you wait & see” (3/2/54). His next mention of the teaching opportunity is four days after he was first told he could take over the class, when he writes, “With the speech assembly, my teaching science 5th Hr Mon & the tryouts for the play I’ll sure be busy next week” (3/12/54). The following Monday, he records the results: “I taught Mr Scharons 5th hr. Science Class. It apparently was a huge success. I lectured & gave a test. Joe was absent & I did so want to impress him” (3/15/54). He does not write why he was “apparently . . . a huge success.” But he does indicate what he did—lectured and gave a test—which could be an indication of what he thinks teachers are supposed to do (and is probably what he has been experiencing in his 271 own education).87 Also, he mentions making an impression on his friend Joe. Besides the future mentoring aspects of making an impression as a teacher, which I discuss below, making impressions in general is something that will remain important to Shaun and may be one of the reasons he goes into—and remains in—teaching. For example, a year and a half earlier, he noted in his diary, “I like shop with the seventh grade. They look up to [classmate] Henry L. & I” (9/8/52). As a camp counselor during a summer break from college he will write “I’m happy--respect, obedience & nice group” (6/25/5 7) and “I’m respected & I like it” (7/3/5 7). And as a teacher of four years, after a high school sporting event, he will write “Chatted with all old Srs. of last yr. I felt important-- everyone looks up to me” (9/14/62). All of this may relate to his social identity as well (e. g., his needing to be liked).88 A month after his taking over the class, he does so one more time: “Taught 5th hr science class--gave a test” (4/22/54). Again, he does not elaborate. But the following month, he notes Tonite was our Speech Banquet 7 till 9:00. We had Ham. Josh Puttson was M.C. Daisy gave a Speech on Hobbiesugot a B. I gave an impromptu talk on Honesty--got an A. Gave talk on ‘Brain in 15 mins a day’ got an A+ [?] on it. I have the audience in the palm of my hand. (5/17/54) ’7 That Shaun probably experienced much lecturing and test taking in high school is supported in the literature. For example, several educational researchers have looked into differences in classroom teaching methods. Weston & Cranton point out that lots of research into classroom lecturing versus discussion took place between the start of the twentieth century and the end of the fifties (260), but they do not provide any statistics. Sizer states that beginning in the 19705. several studies found that teacher-talk far outweighed student-talk; he cites one such study that found most teacher-talk involved “instructing in the sense of telling” (xii), or, lecturing. That this was probably true prior to 1970 is supported by Koziol. who notes that looking “only to the observable dynamic of instruction in the classroom[, one can see that] . . . classroom instruction has not changed much during [the twentieth] century . . . . [;] Lecture and recitation have continued to dominate classroom practice in English as well as in other subjects” (95, citing researchers such as Squire, Applebee, and Hillocks). 8” Another example supporting Shaun’s needing to be liked in relation to teaching is again when he is a camp counselor: “The boys (all of them seem to like me) & I like them" (7/3/56). 272 He is once again indicating his need to make an impression and/or be liked, which plays a part in his teacherly identity (also recall his writing as a teacher that he thought Ernie Rhymes, the student who gave him the picture, hated him, which I quoted above). Furthermore, he makes an allusion to being in control, a condition he comes to hold as important in teaching. Whatever the case, Shaun begins college with some sense of what makes up part of his teacherly identity, even though he probably does not think of it in these terms, if he thinks about it at all, especially since he has not yet decided to become a teacher, at least as evidenced in his diary. Shaun’s Teacherly Identity Formation in College In college, Shaun has four student teaching experiences that are significant to his teacherly identity formation. Just as he does in the formation of his sexual and student identities, Shaun seems to successfully achieve his teacherly identity in college, only to experience setbacks that cause him to wax and wane, highlighting the importance of transactive relationships in identity formation, as I discussed in chapter 2 (see p. 28). These setbacks are not only related to what happens during his student teaching experiences, but significantly, they are also connected to his sexual identity formation, a connection that causes him to question his career choice, both in college and as a teacher. However, until Shaun’s first teacher education course during the second semester of his sophomore year, he does not explicitly state a desire to pursue teaching as a career. Even though he does not specifically express a desire during his first three semesters in college to teach anything, let alone English, some of his diary entries contain details that could be said to show his interest in the subject. For example: “I have written several poems. I may enter one in the college paper” (10/13/54); “written quite a lot of poems lately” (10/16/54); “Dr. Hepher [his English teacher] told us all to go see 273 ‘Blackboard Jungle.’ I liked it too” (5/18/55; he actually saw it the day before, writing “A very good show. I really liked it a lot. I tell you!”89); and “I got a letter from Wilma Wendt. A crappier letter was never written” (5/25/55 [in the sense he likes to critique writing]). Also, the fact that he is virtually always reading novels (he records what he is reading and seems to go through several novels a month) shows this interest. And just like in high school, he often records what he is doing in his English courses, and he will once again draw upon some of these assignments in his own teaching. For example, he writes “Dr Hepher took our English class to the library to show us how to get research for our term paper” (2/18/55); “We had discussions in Eng. Everything from the recent death of Albert Eienstein to Salk Polio vaccine” (4/20/55; the 1974 Leweston newspaper clipping mentions his “‘informal’ classroom discussions” with his students); “We had a ‘Bull Session’ in Eng. on the essay ‘The Younger Generation’” (3/13/55); and “I wrote an essay in Eng--‘My best character trait’. we had a choice of topics” (5/27/55; he will use this essay assignment as a teacher later).90 More interesting, however, are his entries related to his first teacher education course, as they shed important light on Shaun’s developing teacherly identity. Shaun’s first teacher education course involves both coursework and a placement in a local elementary school. After his first class session, he writes: 8° This movie is about “a new English teacher at a violent, unruly inner-city school [who] is determined to do his job. despite resistance from both students and faculty” (Blackboard). 90 In fact, Shaun notes in his 7/2/59 Mental Hygiene Log entry that he “require[s] an essay a week from each student.” He explains: “These were usually between 200 to 500 words. The 9mg teachers thought I was nuts for doing so much ‘extra’ work but I assure you the average kid will say what’s on his mind more easily on paper.” Shaun was speculating in the entry why his instructor would assign the log, because another student had said to him (Shaun writes) that it was “busy-work” and inappropriate for graduate students. Shaun noted in his entry that there had been “little actual explanation of why we are to do this,” but he also wrote that a possible reason was for the teacher to learn more about the students. Afier reading Shaun’s entry. his instructor underlined Shaun’s words “why we are to do this" and in the margin wrote “Optional assignment—Answer obvious?” 274 I had Ed 100 my first class. 7 girls & I--ha! We have to “teach” 2 hrs week--phooey. . . . At 4-5 is Eng 251 our next class with Muller is the final exam. You have to read 40 bks to get an ‘A’! I like it tho!. . . . Tomorrow should be a bitch all the way round. I tell you that Ed. course has to go. (I may like it.) (2/7/56) Besides Shaun’s indicating he “may like” his first education course despite his classmates being mostly women, what is especially important about this entry is his use of quotes around “teach.” It implies he does not value what he is supposed to do, or at least does not consider it “real teaching,” especially perhaps in comparison with his high school experience of lecturing and giving tests. He is still curious about it, though, as four days later, he writes, “I wonder what my ‘teaching’ at Hobbs [Elementary School] will be like? I must find out where it is at!” (2/11/56). He finds out two days later, and writes the following entry: At 1 l :15 I began at Hobbs. Had appointment with Mr. Bates the principal[.] Then had hot lunch (veg. soup ect. free!) I ‘teach’ phys. Ed. from 12:15 to 12:50. It’s really a supervised noon activity. I knew 2 guys--Larry something & also Agnes’s boy. I had Grades 4-5-6-7 M.W. (2/13/56) Several aspects of this entry are interesting: Shaun is still using quotation marks with “teach” (as he will do in every entry connected to Hobbs in which he uses the word), he now understands what this involves, and he mentions the free food. In fact, most of his diary entries related to this experience highlight the food he eats instead of what he thinks about what he is doing: “I ‘taught.’ (We had noodle & Tuna Cassorole today & Cherry Cobbler--good.) We played ‘side dodge’ & [‘]scatter dodge’” (2/22/56); “We had a 275 delicious mac & cheese dinner at Hobbs. We played scatter dodge & Back ball” (2/29/56); “We played B.B. & scatterdodge in gym today after a big feed (ice cream, cake ect!)” (3/28/56); “Miss Brown [ED 100 instructor] stopped in to see me at Hobbs at end of period. We played ‘scatter dodge’ ‘Baskt Ball’ & had 5 min free-for all. We had Barbecue & Pork & Beans” (3/5/56); and “I went to Hobbs. Had macaroni & tunaugood. Played Scat. dg. & B.B. Miss Brown dropped in & the kids were brats! Alas” (3/7/56). Unfortunately, Shaun does not share what his instructor had to say in either field visit, but it is clear that he is excited about the food. He does give a hint about how Miss Brown’s field visit went in the last entry (“alas”), but he does not explain why his students were “brats” or what advice Miss Brown may have given him. In fact, he often mentions his students’ behavior without reflection or details: “I had soup ect at Hobbs & then we played a relay & B.B. Ugh! They are little bastards, I tell you!” (3/14/56). It would have helped to better understand his teacherly identity if he would have been more reflective in these entries, but he still provides some clues. His most significant clues indicate he really does not know what he is doing, an understandable situation (after all, again he is unable to give lectures or tests within that context, activities which may still be part of his conception of what a teacher does): “We played Basket Ball in Gym today about 6 or 8 guys. It’s so nice they all go outside [i.e., the rest of the class, instead of staying with him like they are supposed to] & I’m at a loss what to do, oh well” (4/9/56; notice the dismissive “oh well” he also uses in his identity formation as a student, as I explained above) and “Today we played inside--did very little. I felt frustrated & futile after this session” (5/9/56). In light of an entry he will later make as a full-time teacher, these statements are especially significant to his teacherly identity formation: “Eng 12--a most successful day of teaching-—a feeling of 276 mastery & command” (1/16/62). This lack of mastery and command during his Hobbs experience may also account for several statements he writes along the lines of “I dread. my little Gremlins tomorrow” (2/26/56 and 3/18/56) and “Well, ‘teaching’ again tomorrow. Ugh!” (3/4/56). In addition to these clues about his teacherly identity formation, he does sometimes write more about what goes on during the time he is at the school: “Had barbeques & pork & beans at Hobbs. We played Basket B. & Scatter-dodge. Not many there. One of the boys had a pamphlet on ‘a womans cycle’ & they really thought they had something” (3/19/56); “My kids went fig today. We had a delicious dinner and then played baseball. . . . My boys are sure fowl talking I tell you!” (4/11/56); “No food at Hobbs anymore. I bought 10¢ D.Q. for dinner. ‘We’ played work-up baseball outside--l like! [A student] gave me a picture of him. All the boys wanted to know what ‘EMASCAPATE’ means. I wouldn’t tell & they’ve got the wrong wor ” (5/21/56). While these entries do not provide very much additional insight into his teacherly identity, they are interesting and do indicate that the experience is not a total loss for him, that he was liked enough to be given a picture, and that he does indeed like to be in charge (“I wouldn’t tell,” “my kids”), reinforcing these aspects of his forming identity. Even though Shaun, at the beginning of this experience, had written “I had lunch at Hobbs & then we had relays. I should enjoy this phase of school but I don’t” (2/15/56), at the end, he notes “went last day to Hobbs. Played work-up & I took pictures. Sorry to leave” (5/28/56). His next student teaching experience continues to help him form his teacherly identity and takes place the second semester of his junior year. A year after the Hobbs experience, Shaun has his second teaching experience in connection with another teacher education course, Psychology and Education. He and a 277 classmate (Dillon Trashen) are assigned to Mrs. Convay, their high school English teacher mentor, or “critic,” as Shaun phrases it (probably the term used in the education course). They will observe and help teach her course. He seems to have looked more forward to this experience than the previous one: “Next Frid practice teaching?” (2/8/5 7) and “Well, it looks like an enjoyable semester ahead. I sure hope so. Here’s hoping” (2/ 1 1/57). In his use of “teaching,” he is no longer using quotation marks. The experience begins on 2/ 1 5/5 7, after which he writes the entry I quoted above in relation to his student identity formation and his being “inadequate” compared to the critic and students (see pp. 250-251). He may be still feeling insecure about his lack of “mastery and command” in his first student teaching experience. Indeed, when he has a presentation to do later in his education course, he notes “I must teach panel discussion Mon & reading 2 pg chap. I must sound like an authority. I hope I do” (5/12/57). He realizes that it will take work, though, and he seems willing to do it. Whatever he is feeling. he does not share it very much in the diary entries related to his second experience, at least at first: “We did little in 2 hrs. of psy & Ed. Came back & then went to H.S. Things went okay” (2/ 1 8/5 7) and “Pract. Teachingnokay, we gave test & Dillon & I have to correct them” (2/20/5 7). True to form, he does not explain why these days (and several others) were “okay.” However, some later entries do provide more information; perhaps he is becoming more secure forming a teacherly identity. Shaun writes some entries that at least provide more details about what he does and sometimes even shed some light on his teacherly identity formation: “Had Ed. then H.S. I took 3 boys in Mrs. Convay's office 8; we worked 15 min on nouns. (The ‘poor’ students in class)” (2/27/5 7; he does not explain why he puts “poor” in quotes); “Kids & I were friendly today (got 2 red pencils from Convay)” (3/ 1/5 7; he does not indicate if any 278 students were unfriendly before); “Practice teaching. I shall ‘bit’ teach this week” (3/4/57); and “Practice teaching. (Dillon) Mr. Trashen did a little ‘bit’ teaching. Me tomorrow. . . . Critic meeting 4-5z45. Interesting. I take over Tues in Lit. on Katherin Cornell in ‘Chosen Roads section’” (3/5/5 7). While he does not express how he feels about the “bit teaching” in this last entry, he does in his next: “Practice teaching. Okay. Not as bad as I thought. lst time in front alone (20 seats)” (3/6/57). His “not as bad” statement implies he was worried about it, a feeling he did not express when he took over the few classes in high school, but one he did feel in his first student teaching experience, which was without a regular teacher present. Indeed, this second experience might have been better for three reasons: 1) he notes he talks to his mentor about teaching plans— e.g., “we then discussed after class lit plans” (3/8/57) and “Mrs. Convay & I spent hr in office discussing ed. techniques” (4/26/5); 2) he discusses teaching situations in his education class—e.g., “We conducted Teacher lst days in py & Ed. (We acted as pupils (bad ones)[)]” (3/13/5 7) and “went to psy & Ed. Saw speech correction-demonstration” (3/20/57); and 3) he practices at home first—e.g., “taught aloud for practice” (3/13/57). Besides these more enlightening entries, he also writes a very important entry during this time that seems to imply he has formed a teacherly identity. After teaching for the first time all period by himself, he writes: I donned [roommate’s] sport coat, & gray tie, my shirt with French Cuffs red Minnesota socks. Sporty. Called roll & then taught 55 mins. Scared. Got response interest & laffs. (Mrs. convay had students come & see her one at a time. Disruptions were mastered.) (3/12/57) Three of his statements in this entry are important to his teacherly identity formation. First, he details what he wears. Writing in the foreword to Alsup’s book, teacher 279 education researcher Deborah P. Britzrnan notes that a teacher’s identity includes “what a teacher is and does, what a teacher looks like, and whether the teacher’s body is a normal teacher’s body” (xi). As I briefly mentioned in chapters 4 (p. 95) and 6 (pp. 203, 210- 11), Shaun has an issue with his weight (he sometimes records his weight and whether he is dieting in his diary). However, he rarely mentions it in relation to his teaching, though one such example is “Eng 8 & 7--lo_t§ of sentence diagraming. (Weigh 190 1/2) Lunch” (3/3 0/60), which does not seem to be connected to his teacherly identity (nor to sentence diagramming); rather, it is probably related to “lunch.” He does, however, comment on what he wears in the classroom as a student teacher, or at least indicates he “dressed for teaching” (3/14/57), which may indicate that it has some part in his teacherly identity (maybe reflecting a thought that a teacher should look “nice,” or maybe to help hide his lack of “mastery,” or even to ensure a commanding presence). In fact, in his first year of teaching, he notes “[corrected] Eng 12 essays ‘Teacher’s Dress in & out of school.’ Fun” (12/10/58). It could also be related to his socioeconomic identity, as I explained in chapter 4 (p. 10]). Besides the comments on his weight or what he wears, the second statement in his 3/12/57 entry that is interesting in relation to his teacherly identity formation is his getting “response interest & laffs” from the students, which continues to support his need for attention. And the third statement is that “disruptions were mastered,” which speaks to his wanting to be in command as well as to have classroom discipline. Besides these interesting aspects of this particular entry, his notation in the top margin of the entry is also important. At the top of the page, he writes “Igaghg” (without the quotes, which importantly contrasts with his use while at Hobbs of the word “teach”), which is an epiphany related to his teacherly identity. In fact, his next entry 280 includes the comment “found teaching exilerating Fun” (3/14/5 7). Also, when Mrs. Convay takes over again, he notes “Teaching was dull. Mrs Convay reigned & I sat in back” (3/15/57), an activity which goes against his teacherly identity (a teacher is to be in command), and later, he notes “Then teaching. (Rather correcting papers)” (3/20/5 7), again differentiating what teaching means to him now. However, an event in the classroom will soon cause him to question his newly found teacherly identity (as will his connecting his sexual identity to his teacherly identity during his next student teaching experiences, below). On 4/3/5 7, he writes “Then pract teach. Chaps 3-4-5 of Mamer. Class respect & quiet gone somewhat-~what next. Mentally I’m in a turmoil (to a d_egre_e) as to when this ends. 4 question quiz--l a_ll glo_n§ my! !” Whereas he was previously disappointed to note that the regular teacher had again taken over after things had gone so well with his solo teaching, now that things are not going so well, he seems to express frustration that he was left in charge. What seem to be not going well are his students’ states of discipline and attitudes toward him, both of which are important to his teacherly identity as I established above. Thus, he has not yet fully formed a teacherly identity, at least one that will enable him to be successful, especially from the perspective of his knowing what to do when things do not go well. As with Hobbs, however, all is not lost: “Pract. teach. a Me better. Read aloud today they & I. . . . May Marner & I end with some good will & respect. Fraid I’ll be lost in the shuffle” (4/4/56, speaking again to his need to be looked up to as well as his need to be in command) and (after spring break) “to H.S. & an assembly & 10 mins Class. Nice to be back” (4/24/57). Also, thinking about his forthcoming last day, he writes “Feel badly about last day pract teach. . . . Will miss my kids in a way” (5/28/5 7). As with Hobbs, they are “his” kids, perhaps another indication of his liking to be in charge (or simply an acknowledgement of his students 281 being his responsibility, or perhaps even a sign of affection). Related to this, he is much more in charge during his next student teaching experiences. Shaun’s third and fourth student teaching experiences take place in his senior year, and they provide important additional insights into his teacherly identity formation. During his first semester, he helps out again at the same high school in College Town as his previous experience (but under a different teacher, Mr. Duckson), and toward the end of the semester, he also has a five-week “full-time” placement in a high school in Huntsville (continued the following semester for one week). After visiting the class with his co-student-teacher at the start of the semester, Shaun writes “Dressed for teach. . . . Doug Edmonds & I pract teachers under Duckson. 18 in advanced speech (14 girls & 4 boys. . .). . . . Dread undisciplined class of speech” (9/23/57). He is still very much concerned with looking a particular way and maintaining control. This time, however, his entries about what happens are more detailed: Arose . . . & dressed for pract Teach. . . . Then to Speech Class. Duckson left Doug & I in class to supervise reading. Joe Peterson (a J .D. [juvenile delinquent?]) called me Shaun & was insolent. Took him from room & dressed him down. Then tightend Class reins. Set on a powder keg & was scared but master. . . . Then 1:15-2:20 Mrs. Convay [his mentor from last time] & I hashed out incident. Remarkable woman--elates me. . . . Psy & Ed this aft. Discussion of graduate work. . . . I dread Speech Class. Can I handle the situation? (9/25/5 7) His being in command, but still being “scared” and wondering if he can handle it indicate his evolving teacherly identity, as does his wanting to talk about it with his former mentor. He also notes disciplining a particular student. something which he will become 282 somewhat afraid of doing as I discuss below. The next day, he notes “They mg better. I m enjoyed it” (9/26/57), but the day after that, he writes “Dread teaching class” (9/29/57). His dread may be related to again not being in charge, as he later writes: Speech Class terrible. Mr Edmonds taught. Pandemonium reigned. Nothing planned or prepared. Talked on his trip to Europe. They called me ‘Good morning Shaun.’ Gosh to have my own class!!! . . . . Psyc & Ed. a bore. Dr Wingdin talked on placement. . . . I must prepare for speech Class! . . . . I’ll murder that class or they me. Dread it. (10/2/57) That he understands the importance of preparation is a good sign in his teacherly identity formation, and even though his dread increases—“I hope I last thru practice teaching. Shall arise each morn. early to study speech & Psyc & Ed” (10/6/57)——he is planning to try to improve the situation through thorough preparation. In fact, he seems somewhat confident despite his fear: “Speech Class a mess. I fear them tomorrow. . . . Practiced my Pract Teach. lecture & will lay it right on the line. Talked for 1 hr. in the room here. It’s sink or swim & I’ll be ready” (1 0/7/57). He reports success the next day: “Class 9:30-10:30. Gave short writing ‘Why I chose adv. speech’ & cracked down. A success. Insisted 5 min ed. ‘bull session’ at period end. We talked about after grad. . . (10/8/57). He is vague, however. on what exactly was successful—the writing or his cracking down (perhaps both). Also, the “bull session” idea may have come to him from the freshman English class he took (see his 3/13/55 entry on p. 274). In any case, he is more confident, as he next writes, “Must arise early tomorrow to plan teach. . . . Hope class is okay tomorrow. Don’t dread it!” (10/9/57). However, he will continue to wax and wane in his confidence. 283 The next several entries show his evolving teacherly identity, including his waxing and waning on how things are going: “Class 9:30-10:30. Lectured & have them well under Control. (Too much so.). . . . I’ll loosen reins on Class tomorrow” (10/10/57); “Let speech Class ‘loose.’ Wow—-a miss[take]. . . . Ps. & Ed a bore. I proposed to Dr. Osgood we spent a hr on personal Class probs. (Starts next F rid.) . . . . Oh to be in Columbus now [for graduate school]!” (10/11/57; his wanting to talk about teaching problems in his education class as well as wanting to continue his studies are good signs of his progressing identity formation); “Then pract speech (for Class.) They were Bastards today! Lippy under free discussion. (Got 4 Es on co-operation & attitude)” (10/14/57). All of these demonstrate Shaun’s need to be in control (which seems to call into question his definition of “free” in the last entry). Another particularly important entry that shows his evolving teacherly identity during this period is: Then prep. speech. Gave em 11 essay questions. They got my goat. Warned of cheating & Rick Williamson pretended to cheat. (Got my goat & an ‘E’--fear his reception of it.). . . . Corrected tests. (Called Mrs Convay for AM appoint.) Psyc & Ed more palatable. Critic meet. Studied Files (Doing one on [a particular student].) . . . . Mentally I’m a wreck over speech class. The dirty bastards have ruined me as a teacher. (10/1 5/5 7) What makes this entry different from others is Shaun’s fear of his student’s reaction to discipline, which I alluded to above (p. 282), and which is something Shaun will eventually demonstrate in relation to his sexual identity formation issues, as I discuss below. He further shows his fear by writing “Rick will fight!” in the top margin of this 284 entry. Also, his statement of being “ruined” can be considered an epiphany, but one that does not positively contribute to his teacherly identity formation. What continues to be a good sign, however, is his setting up an appointment to talk to his former mentor (he does not care for his current mentor, Mr. Duckson, as he writes on 9/9/57 and implies in other entries). In fact, his meeting with her is successful: “Met Mrs Convay 9—9:30. Learned a lot. She says don’t fail Rick--I won’t. (Gave good reasons.) Taught 60 sec commercials. Class wrote em & read em over P.A. recorder. Fair success & fun” (10/ 16/5 7) and “Things look good” (10/ 1 7/57). Even though he has these successes, he still experiences problems, which again seems to set him back in his teacherly identity formation: “Teaching a bore! Kids wild!” (1 1/4/57); “Class unruly” (1 1/13/57); “Then I taught. A revolting time. Script & tape recording. Ugh. N9 discipline at all” (11/14/57); and “Then to speech class. Unplanned—-me in charge & wild man wild, so what” (1 1/15/57). Despite the return of his dismissive attitude regarding all of this (“so what”), he does seem to care, especially about his impending “extemship,” a five—week, full-time student teaching experience at the end of the fall semester (which continues during one week of his last semester), an experience that will have very important implications in his teacherly identity formation. Shaun is assigned to teach in Huntsville, which was his “lst choice” (9/23/57) earlier in the semester when he signed up for the experience, and the experience will both positively and negatively affect his teacherly identity formation. The day before he begins, however, he writes an entry that shows, despite his “so what” statement a few days before, that he does care about how his student teaching has been going: “I dread dread dread tomorrow. The unknown fills one with uncertainty & fear. I hope I like it. Will appreciate being busy. Hated this rest! I had to iron a green shirt to wear” 285 (1 1/17/57). What is also significant about this statement is his expressing his wanting to be busy; in chapter 6, I discussed the idea that being busy helps him overcome his sexual identity struggles (see footnote 72, p. 201). While he soon mentions this again (e.g., “Dread vacation & no school” [11/16/57]), this is something that will especially come into play after his 1959 crisis. His wish to be busy is fulfilled for the time being, and he begins his fourth and final student teaching experience the following day. After his first day at the school, Shaun writes “Extemee” at the top of his diary entry, much like he wrote “Teacher” after he started his previous experience, implying that he was proud of it, as evidenced by his specially marking it. Perhaps he noted “extemee” instead of “teacher” because it was something different, and he was already a “teacher.” In any case, in his entry for that day, he explains: Miss Dixon came 8:30. Had a nice chat. She’s cute, smart, blonde & charming-also engaged. She’s very co-operative. Her room was Center of activities. lst hr Eng (10th) & ‘Silas Marner’! (Remember?) Then Eng--8 boys. Then Eng 10 again. Lunch about 12:00. Miss String & I had lunch . . . . Teachers stand by door before each class. (PA. system talks to you & hm U!) A dictorial place. Free 4th hr. 5th hr Eng 8-girls & 6th hr 10th Eng. (A mess ). Home 4:30. Poooped. (11/18/57) Several aspects of this entry are important to Shaun’s developing teacherly identity. For example, he notes how “cute” the teacher is, which I discussed in relation to his sexual identity in chapter 6 (p. 185). This statement directly ties together his sexual and teacherly identities, and his mentioning of her in this way may indicate his increasing awareness of such a connection and his resulting need for facework, as a later statement will evidence (discussed below). Also, he is making comparisons between his various 286 experiences (the teaching of the same novel), and he is becoming aware of the presence of a school’s administration, especially its Orwellian aspects with its “dictatorial” nature and the ever-present (and two-way) P. A. system. His comment about the 6th hour 10th- grade English class being a mess could relate to a lack of discipline, given Shaun’s previous comments. During the following days, he will observe many classes. After observing several classes, he begins teaching here and there, intermixed with more observations and cigarettes in the boiler room (which will become a place of more teacherly identity enlightenment, as I explain below). In his entries, he does provide some details of his teaching: I taught lst hr. Assigned a chap of Silas to each of 3 rows. Then observed (Cig. in Boiler room.) 2nd & 3rd hr. Boy named Harry disrupted 3rd hr-- comes infrequently. . . . I supervised study period for 8th gr 4th hr. I taught ‘Silas’ Review 5th (ruff Eng 10 Class.) Tense Class but okay. Gabbed awhile. Left 4:17. (11/21/57) Why 6th hour English 10 was rough, he does not say, but again, it is probably related to his having a sense of mastery and command (and related to discipline, as Shaun will note on 12/10/57, “Harry has quit school forcibly”). He writes that he likes other periods of English 10, such as the first period: “I taught lst hr & I love that class-—ideal (to a degree)” (1 1/25/5 7) and “They are a good group!” (1 1/26/57; but with no explanation). He continues to write about the 6th hour class in several entries, some positive and some negative: “Last hr I taught Eng 10. Class is rotten! Junior (a gabby insolent Mex.) bothered me (His buddy Tony too.) Kept em after Class. Told Jr once more & out he goes” (1 1/25/5 7; notice the racial marking I discussed in chapter 4); “6th hr a blessing. Gave a quiz. Jr. a model pupil. Success” (1 1/26/57; on 12/10/5 7, however, he notes 287 “Changed Tony’s & Peters seats. Jr mad because isolated. Expect & will get trouble”); and “Then in Eng 10 (6th hr) started on nouns (Ruff time)” (12/2/5 7). While he rarely gives many details, in this last entry, he mentions grammar, which is a subject that threatens his teacherly identity component of subject mastery, as other entries suggest: “I assigned 3rd hr Eng 10 Class verbs. I don’t know em & will have difficulty” ( l 1/26/5 7) and “Taught Eng 10--started nouns. They nearly ‘trapped’ me. Wow” (12/4/57). In fact, at one point, he notes “All in all I taught 6 Eng classes of grammar-- any wonder I’ve become depressed?” (12/5/57; his depression is also related to his sexual identity; see chapter 6, p. 195).” Also along the lines of not knowing something, he writes “Taught Eng 8. (Insecure & unprepared. Don’t know marking scale)” (1 1/26/57). Perhaps Shaun’s most significant statement related to not knowing something, however, is what he writes a few days later: “I wonder what teaching will be like next year. Living accommodations & friends for a bachelor? I wonder” (1 1/30/57). I first quoted this entry in chapter 6 in relation to how it rekindled his battle for secrecy in his sexual identity formation, but it also has a significant relationship to his teacherly identity formation, as I also mentioned, particularly his worry about how having gay male fiiends as an unmarried teacher might look, a concern that may have prompted his continued facework with Miss Dixon as well as one that will grow after his 1959 crisis (see pp. 185- 86). Right now though, the entry serves to extemalize Shaun’s sexual identity fears in relation to his teaching. Interestingly, a few other entries he writes at this time could be related to his sexual identity and his teacherly identity as well, entries which express his 9' While that particular notation of being depressed relates more to Shaun’s sexual identity, sometimes his depression is related to his teaching: “[Rehearsed act I of a play in the evening:] Adults are reserved etc. 3 kids mad at me etc. What a time. Home about 10:30 & bed 1 1:00. Times like today I get depressed, yet Mon & Tues were 332;] days of teaching!” (3/15/60). Shaun’s depression also sometimes has an interesting effect on his teaching: “[corrected 12th gr] Essays on ‘What I do When Depressed” (2/26/59). 288 opinions about two of the classes in which he is student teaching: “Eng 8 (rotten little cheating girls?)” (12/4/5 7) versus “Then Eng 9 (boys) good & fun!” (12/5/57). These entries may imply a bias in his student teaching, but I found no other entries elsewhere in the diary to support such a conclusion; in fact, he later mentions mentoring female students as well as male students, and many of the winning students he coaches in debate are female. In any case, many current researchers dismiss such effects in teaching (for an overview of the debate, see: Blount; Griffin and Ouellett; Britzrrran and Gilbert). Even so, Shaun is very worried about other teachers and students knowing about his homosexuality, as evidenced by his wondering about his living accommodations and gay friends as a teacher, as well as by several other statements he will make later in his diary (including statements that further show the connections between his sexual and teacherly identities, all of which I discuss below). Most immediately, however, he writes another epiphany, only to qualify it with this same worry: Mr Nixon [the principal] asked to see me 4th hr. Offered me contract $4100 + 150$ for doing yearbook. Teach Speech & Eng 11 & 12. Would love it (Too near home & a small town against it.) School set-up ideal! Honored. . . . 4 students came in for help after school. Guess I’m successful. (12/12/57) His statement about being successful positively supports his teacherly identity formation, but his notation of the job being in a small town and too close to home negatively affects it. In short, his battle for secrecy is beginning to affect his teacherly identity formation. However, his enjoyment of the experience will outweigh his secrecy fears: “Taught Eng 10. (A little rowdy at lst.) . . . . 6th hr a m rowdy at first . . . . then [after school] a gang came in. I love em all!” (12/20/57). In the top margin of this last entry, he 289 concludes: “I’m almost certain to take Huntsville except housing prob. Migsgn may.” Overall, even though he worries about his battle for secrecy, he still has made progress forming his teacherly identity throughout this student teaching experience. For example, on 12/2/5 7, he notes “Miss ‘D’ is going to ‘skip’ tomorrow (pretended sick day) & I will take over. Anticipate it. She gave me the key to the school.” His phrasing of “take over” fits in with his wanting to be in command, as does his excitement over the key. The next day, the first day he teaches all day, he notes “Loved it” (12/2/5 7) and the day after that, he writes “A Good day! Busy! Love it” (12/3/5 7). Also, he writes another epiphany on 12/5/57: This is a transition period--I feel like an old teacher by golly!” He even begins to question the principal’s leadership style, if only to himself: “I don’t believe I shall like Mr Nixon’s dictatorial policy if I do teach there next yr” (12/ 1 6/5 7; indeed, Shaun reports on 2/10/59, “Nixon gave me hell for gum chewing & smoking all 6th hr & on schl grounds. (Nice but commanding)”). And last, on 12/19/57, he writes “Mr Flower, Mr Labrador & I discussed method in boiler room. (‘I mark too easily, too likeable & too lax.’ Ha! I’m a success!) . . . Tomorrow last day. Sad. Will miss my kids”—just like he did in his previous student teaching experience. All of Shaun’s progress forming a teacherly identity, however, could have been jeopardized on his retum to College Town after Christmas vacation because of two events related to returning to the high school to finish up the student teaching he began prior to his extemship. First, he thinks one of his College Town high school students knows of his sexuality (explained in chapter 6, p. 185). And second, he talks with Mr. Duckson, his mentor, who tells him his grade and shares his student evaluations: “He & I chatted over grades etc. I got a ‘B’ (?) He gives no ‘A’s.’ 1 read student evaluations of 290 me (& Doug.) Comments: 1. stuffed shirt (too formal). 2. No discipline. 3. disliked. (But effective)” (1/22/58). His being perceived by his students as gay (even just one), unlikable, and not enough in charge could have negatively affected his desire to teach, since so much of his teacherly identity is related to being perceived as heterosexual, being liked, and being in charge. But it did not, perhaps because all of this took place at the College Town high school, not in the Huntsville high school in which he has been offered a job (which he will take). Also, between his student teaching in Huntsville and his taking the job, he is offered five other teaching jobs, which must have boosted his confidence. Again, I would declare his teacherly identity achieved, except that he experiences significant setbacks related to his sexual identity struggles soon after beginning to teach full time, and these setbacks prevent him from making an “enduring, self-chosen commitment” (Marcia 2) for several more years. Shaun’s Teacherly Identity Formation as a New Teacher Shaun’s diary entries related to teaching as a new, full-time teacher are not much different from those related to his extemship, for the most part. An important exception is related to his battle for secrecy and the 1959 crisis, after which his entries will reflect his increasing concerns for several years (discussed below); other exceptions include a few more entries related to issues facing all of the teachers in his school such as “Eng 9-- Oral verb test (no paper in school, we use too much)” (12/10/5 8) and “Faculty meet & [union] meet. Discussed shortage of State money” (1/13/59) Also, some other exceptions illuminate issues in his own teaching: “Parents (many) say I give too much work” (10/28/58); “Covering a lot in every class--I’m overworked” (2/3/59); and “No; enuff time in gny class” (3/13/59). However, most of his pre-1959 crisis teaching entries are like the one he wrote in relation to his classes as a new teacher on the first day: 291 I sent out roll sheet pep talk gave b[oo]ks & assignments. Mentally pooped. Horace Lamb in my 5th Eng (9th grd) is a heller & only J .D. [probably juvenile delinquent] so far. I have 9th Eng 2nd hr; Speech 12 lst hr, 9th Eng 3rd hr.; 4th hr--Eng 12; 5th hr Eng 9. (9/3/58) While he includes some comments related to what he did that day, most of what he has to write is simply a list of what he taught and what the state of discipline was (in this case, a potential discipline issue). In fact, maintaining discipline is probably the aspect of Shaun’s teacherly identity that stands out the most in his diary.92 Representative entries in this period include: “Eng 12--Finished Chaucer. (They laugh & can easily get out of hand so I’ll clamp down from now on.) Last hr ok” (9/18/58); “Last hr watched Mrs. Lawsons Class. (1/2 of per[iod]) wild! She has little control” (9/30/58); “Charles G. said ‘Hi, Shaun!’ downtown-m me & gave him heck this noon! (Can’t have that--darn it!) . . . I clamped down on kids today” (10/1/58); “5th hr I made everyone hate fear & respect me” (5/22/59); “5th hr class very hostile & quietl. . . . [Student] in to write 500 W. essay--gum chewing. I ripped other one up for spelling. His mother wrote a terrible note--Mr Nixon & 1 4:45-6:00 discussed it. The whole town condemns me (‘I said Hell too--once!) Scared stiff!” (5/25/59; I am not sure if his last comment is sarcastic or serious); and “Was 161v strict and tough & mean--discipline!” (9/10/59). That he continues to value discipline in his teaching to come is evidenced in the newspaper clippings and photograph dedication I quoted in my introduction to this section. ’2 Glancing through later years, 1 ran into some entries that show a continuing need for discipline in his teaching: “Am Lit, Speech. 2 Lang arts & Am Lit. Nice kids, no ruffies & was fully in command” (9/4/75); “things went smoothly again” (10/26/77); “2 Am Lit & l Lang arts class. They are all behaving & all seems well” (6/2/80); and “Then 3AM classes. 10 Eng Il-ok, Then 10 Eng 1 (3 Q9 but 1 tamed them.) Then 10 Eng lI--OK. Lunch hr. . . . Then 2 aft classes (10 Eng 1--OK then Am Lit)” (1/19/87). 292 Besides relating to the importance of discipline in Shaun’s teacherly identity, several of his entries in this period also relate to his continuing need to be liked: “Gregory Petroski . . . came in. I talked & he loved to listen. Stayed 40 min. & discussed why he hatgd me & hates Eng. We are ok now” (10/8/58); “I hate the hate I’m getting from some kids” (5/27/5 9); “Luke Bradly--l 1th grader is M kid who hates me” (4/2/59); and “Last hr took Es. Eng 10 Class. . . . Gordon Lewis called my bluff said ‘Yes, mam’ chewed gum & really infuriated me. Took to Mr. N[ixon]. Brot back later-- quiet. Grammar. Then we 3 had conference. He apologized & hates me. I could have beat him!” (4/16/59). At the top of this entry, Shaun writes, “Gordon--1 st failure!” While this entry supports Shaun’s need to be liked, it also possibly highlights the connection between Shaun's sexual identity and his academic identity. Even though it is impossible to determine what made Shaun madder—the gum chewing or being called ma’am—the latter may have been a large part of his anger. Even so, Shaun’s comment about the “failure” is probably in relation to Gordon’s not liking him, but this incident does not seem to affect his teacherly identity. In fact. during the approximately fourteen months of his first teaching job, Shaun writes five positive epiphanies related to his teacherly identity: “Make a difference with people--a teacher!” (10/4/58; he notes this after attending an auction and talking to several people); “I love school” (10/13/58); “Teaching is 100% less tense this year & fun” (9/25/59, probably due to his being slightly more experienced with a year of full-time teaching behind him); “Lots to do--Busy & love it” (1/16/59); and “1ng teaching. happy in school” (2/17/59). These last two entries are particularly important. Based on earlier entries (both those quoted above and in chapter 6), his being busy and “happy in school” statements relate to his sexual identity struggles, again tying together his sexual and academic identities, especially by implying 293 he is unhappy outside of school. In fact, if it were not for these sexual identity struggles, I would have concluded that Shaun had finally completed his academic identity formation (though it of course it would have still evolved over the years). Two subsequent entries also very much tie together his sexual and academic identities. First, not too long after stating he is happy in school but not at home, he reinforces the connection: “I feel alone more & more. Thank God I’ve got teaching!” (4/10/59). His teaching, which he enjoys based on his other entries, probably helps him forget some of his sexual identity struggles, such as not being able to find an appropriate friend (see chapter 6, pp. 193-94). In fact, earlier in the year, he had written, “Anticipate school in A.M. I have friends thfl, anyway” (1/4/59). The second entry that ties these identities together is “I’m a teacher*” (6/6/59), but unlike his declaring himself one on 3/12/57 and 10/4/5 8. this time he does so in relation to not having any sexual interaction with his students. The day he wrote the entry, two of his high school students helped him clean and paint part of his cottage, and in his entry he details what else they did (ate, swam, and saw movies), after which he writes the “teacher” statement. In the top margin of the entry, he writes “*No fun with students,” defining the asterisk he uses with his “teacher” statement. That “fun” means “sex” is clear from many other entries in his diary, as 1 demonstrated in chapter 6. Importantly in terms of Shaun’s teacherly identity, this entry extemalizes his awareness of appropriate boundaries in student/teacher relationships. However, while Shaun may be aware of appropriately maintaining student/teacher boundaries, he does transgress other boundaries (in his non-student relationships) later that year, a transgression which culminates in his leaving his teaching job and experiencing a significantly intensified sexual identity crisis which greatly affects his teacherly identity as I previewed in chapter 6 (pp. 199-200). 294 Shaun’s teacherly identity is affected in two significant ways. First, the crisis reinforces his desire to teach: “Will I be teaching soon again? Pray I will” (1 0/24/59). Prior to the crisis, as I explained above, he had nearly formed a teacherly identity, though one that included hiding his homosexuality at school, which caused some anxiety. However, even with this anxiety, he still identified as a teacher. Second, the crisis intensifies his battle to keep his homosexuality a secret in school. While he does obtain another teaching job, he spends the rest of the year worrying about secrecy: “to Riverton. At school 3:00. They hired me (4200$-mot bad.) I fear what will happen but maybe God is with me now. . . . What will be the outcome of my job? I fear & desire it. li_s time I shall appreciate it. I know I’ll love it, if they keep me!” (1 1/22/59) and “Had a very nice day in school. I could love it there but I guard my feelings” (1 1/25/59).93 Given that before this he wrote “Pray no fire or scandel!” (1 1/18/59), it seems he guards his feelings just in case he is fired; after all, as he notes, “People will talk” (12/12/59; see chapter 6, p. 205-06, for other examples of his fear). In any case, this affects his teacherly identity, especially as it relates to his job security. For example, he writes, “In A.M. had fun. Cake & Kool aid & plenty of work! Ate Lasanga for lunch. . . . No contract yet--they know? Pray not” (12/10/59) followed by “Then car made noises. Left Dad a note. He may help me. Lord I wish I were debt-free & could get another car. But with my affliction how can I be sure always of a job? (5/15/60).94 His calling his homosexuality ’3 In relation to his declaring $4200 “not bad,” note that he later writes “I’m getting 300$ less than other lst yr teachers there” (12/7/59). 9" In the first example. note Shaun’s renewed emphasis on food, which perhaps also signals his distress; recall that during his first student teaching experience at Hobbs. he experienced stress related to not knowing how to handle his students, and he also emphasized food in his entries. In the second example, that Shaun had reason to fear his job security is supported in the literature. For example, educational researcher Myrna R. Olson (writing in 1987) asserts that “of all the professions, education is probably the most discriminatory against homosexuals” (73). She cites a 1970 National Institute of Mental Health survey finding that 45% of Americans surveyed “felt that homosexual teachers for young children were dangerous” and 75% “would deny the homosexual’s right to choose teaching as a career” (73). She also 295 an “affliction” implies it can be cured, as I mentioned in chapter 6 (p. 197, 201—202). Despite his continued fear of rumors and being found out (e.g., “Mrs. Wheston told her kids I wouldn’t paddle Don because I was afraid! Mad! [2/2/60]), he successfully finishes the academic year and remains at the school through the following one (1960- 1961), but he does have to get another job the year after (1961-1962), possibly due to the 195 9 incident, as I explained in chapter 6 (pp. 218-219).”)5 He will teach for the next ten years at St. John’s High School in Riverton. Even though he has a new job, he still worries about rumors and being outed, a situation possibly intensified by teaching in a Catholic high school, and this affects his teacherly identity: “To St. J. 1:30. General meeting--12 of us. (4 men--2 priests) Fr. & I chat. Not suspicious ye_t--thank God!” (9/7/61); “[A student] ‘heard’ something about me. Ugh-—Jesus Mercy!” (1/29/62); “Rumors about [a student] & I Tues eve untrue!” (3/15/62; he writes he goes to bed “tired & worried”); “A kid is writing lewd language on bathroom walls about me-—I erase & he writes. Me mad!” (1/3/62); “. . . (Someone writing on bath. walls again-J. M. J. let it cease!) Worried!” (3/6/62); and “Someone (Sr boy?) wrote O’Hare is H.-- (gay). Ugh. Jesus save us!. . . . Home 3:15. . . . Still shook cites a 1982 survey of junior high school principals which found “a small, but significant, minority” believed gay teachers "should lose” their licenses just because of being gay (74); furthermore, “principals frequently concluded that a teacher was homosexual based on rumor, stereotypical thinking. or guilt by association” (75 ). In her own survey, Olson found that 32% of homosexual teachers who left the profession did so because of their sexual orientation, while 20% cited it as a contributing factor (76). Olson also reports that some of the homosexual teachers responding to her survey indicated they remained closeted because of their fear of discrimination. including being fired (78). This type of response is not unique to teachers: a 1991 survey cited by psychologists Ewing. Stukas, and Sheehan found that 75% of the lesbian, gay. and bisexual respondents hid their sexual orientation on the job (570). 95 In terms of Shaun’s punishing students, while he still does so, he fears it to some degree for a long time to come, a fear that could be related to his fear of being outed. For example, Shaun writes “Todd McCrag acted up, 5000 W essay & lots of worry 4 me” (9/18/63). The next day. Shaun explains, “Lawyer McCrag [Todd’s father] raising hell about Todd & 5000-word essay. Jesus mercy I’m afraid.” As another example. one weekend, some of his students take his birdbath from his yard. After finding out who did it. he “chewed em out” then phoned the parents: one parent of two of the students. a judge. said he’ll “have [Shaun’s] hide” (2/25/69). After meeting on 2/27/69. Shaun reports the judge “was very low & mean & wouldn’t admit his kids did wrong. He said 139 punishment for them. He ‘hinted’ he could bring up more-- & scared me. Not that he could--but--What a mess! Home, a nervous wreck.” 296 refine-“j up!. . . . May quit teaching next year--can’t stand this worry! J. M. J .” (3/23/62). Significantly, as he indicates in this last comment, his fear threatens his teacherly identity. And it continues: “Home 8:00. (Still scared of gay writing Fridl)” (3/24/62); “Jesus I fear ‘gay warnings’ at School” (3/25/62); “I fear there is talk about me. Jesus mercy!” (5/3/62); “[Looked over “Dear Abby” essays he had students write the day before; notes one] wrote a ‘Dear Abby’ Threat of exposure. What an upset. He doesn’t know--does he? He thinks so!” (3/17/64); and “Eng 12 - Sp (like it) & then a debate meet. The kids fresh & disrespectful & I. blew up (now I fear the gi_rl_s may ‘know’ & tell . . .)” (10/11/66). Again, given he could be fired, his fear of exposure is understandable. Despite this fear, however, he is never outed by any of his St John’s students, at least as evidenced in the diary.”6 Interestingly, his 10/11/66 entry is the last one that explicitly mentions this fear in the period of the diary 1 read (through 1971), and, as I explained in chapter 6, he also seems to come to accept his sexual identity at the end of 1966, when he stops recording his abstinence count. However, even though he has accepted his sexuality, his fear of his students knowing about it does not totally leave him, as I found glancing through other years of his diary: “2 aft classes. Talked to Robert E. & he wanted to know if I was ‘Bi’--no answer” (2/4/80). In 1980, he is teaching at Leweston High School, having left St. John’s after the 1970-1971 school year due to funding issues as I explained in chapter 4 (pp. 106-07). He also writes, after reading his teaching evaluations for the previous term, “The evaluations were terrific! No one called me bad names” (2/14/80).°7 And related to this new job is another 9" In fact, as I discussed in chapter 1 (p. 10) in relation to Turner’s point about how “who the teacher can claim to be is under constant construction by his or her students” (126), some students assumed his heterosexuality in their photograph dedications. 97 This entry implies he was called bad names before. perhaps on the last evaluations. On 6/13/79. he notes “about 4 really cut me up in evaluations,” but he does not provide details. 297 rfi-ur-um-l statement I read that implies his fear of the consequences of being outed, though his fear could be for other reasons. Soon after he was hired, he writes “taught regular classes all day. I really am beginning to like it but fear I could lose my job anytime without a contract” (1 1/10/71). He was hired during a teachers’ strike, and it took awhile for the administration to figure out the school’s teaching needs; perhaps, though, his fear is more economically driven (again, see chapter 4). He eventually does get a contract (receiving a “letter of intent” on 12/1/71, and writing “yippee I’m so glad”). Importantly, despite the intensity of his fear during his early St. John’s years (when he can still be considered a new teacher), he maintains a fairly positive teacherly identity, much along the lines of his notation on 9/6/63: “Eng 1 l--12--l 1 Free Period & Free Period. What a fine day of teaching!” However, as before, whether a day is fine or not still seems to depend on discipline, and when necessary, he reports “Home Room & Eng 12. I cut all down & had order at all times! Ugly me!” (9/10/62).98 Even so, this “fine day” attitude, along with his no longer mentioning his fear of being outed for several years after 1966, perhaps finally signals the formation of his teacherly identity, one that includes discipline, subject mastery and command, and a “teacher-like” appearance, even if only on the surface. There is one other aspect of his teacherly identity, however, that is important from this period. One of the most significant aspects of Shaun’s teacherly identity other than discipline, subject knowledge, and appearance seems to be his satisfaction from 9” Note that this is around the time of his “mastery and command” statement (1/16/62), quoted on p. 277. Also, one interesting entry related to “cutting down” students is: “Unjustly bawled out Mary Alice AcAvay. Felt bad!” (2/23/65). This is another example of the possible effects one identity has on another. In this same entry, he explains “My nerves are shot. let’s face it. God, I need a rest & lots of it.” At the time, he is taking an evening graduate class at BSU as well as fighting gay temptations (“Gay tempts galore & I wanna!” [1/17]) and crabs (“Damn those bugs again!” [1/16]). See also his 10/24/67 entry quoted on p. 265. 298 r... .- .. fifi! mentoring/counseling students, at least as evidenced by the several entries mentioning it in his diary while he is teaching at St. John’s, including the one I quoted above in relation to Ernie Rhymes, who gave Shaun a graduation picture and thanked him for his help.”9 Some of Shaun’s explanations of the help are ironic such as “Chris Cavanne & I conference. I suggested Laily mass & better grades. Hope it works!” (11/29/62) and “200 W essays [for] . . . each class ‘Near occasion of Sin & How to avoid sin’” (1 1/26/62). That he enjoyed giving advice is evidenced by his entries “Mike Holt & I moral talk on him going to mass & conf. It touched me & elated me to help!” (2/21/63) and “Free hr. Counseled Marge Quinn (Sr.). . . . School sure is fun. Hope I teach 50 years!” (2/4/64). Sometimes, he indicates that the reasons for the discussions were very serious: “Rick Hall counseled after schl. What a poor mixed up kid! (5/14/63) and “Counciled Carol Lewinski—-Jeb wants sex or no Carol” (2/3/65; I gather that Jeb is Carol’s boyfriend). Perhaps most interestingly, he even writes about counseling a homosexual student, Tom Keston, a junior: “he’s troubled, had experience & i_s [gay]. Long 3 hr chat & I’ve told him value of good confes & to lick it” (11/1/65). What is especially interesting is that Shaun seems to “counsel” the student to turn to God and to overcome the “problem,” which is perhaps understandable given what Shaun has been going through with his own sexual identity issues. He further notes: “Tom Keston made gd. Confess!” (1 1/3/65); “Keston said he fell Sat.” (11/15/65); “Tom Keston & I 40 min chat on his (“our?”) problem” (1 1/22/65); and “Tom Keston in & 1 hr. chat. He sure has problems--gay. He thinks a lot of Mr. O’Hare & I try to steer him right” (1/3/66). It is 99 Another St. John’s student, Don, also thanks Shaun for his help within a photo dedication: “I will never be able to repay you for the guidance you have given me these past 3 years. Without the little conferences you gave me last year I’d hate to think what 1 might be today.” Similarly, Tim writes, “To Mr. Coe. of whom I do owe quite a lot this for [sic]. And whom I will owe in the future. I may be just another student to you. But to me you are quite a friend. and they are far and few.” 299 interesting to see how he begins to identify with Tom (“our problem”) in his diary. though it would be more interesting to see if he shared that identification with Tom in trying to “steer him right” during these conversations. He does indicate that “[Tom] says Katie Mitchell (& others) have talked about gay Mr. O’Hare. Damn it!” (1 1/18/65), but he does not indicate his response to Tom about this information. In general, perhaps what is driving this counseling/mentoring aspect of Shaun’s teacherly identity is an idea he wrote ten years before in his diary: “Always remember the trials of college along with the fun! (And the generosity shown to me by others: May I someday repay theml)” (memorandum for February, 1955). In any case, Shaun’s fiiend who inherited the diaries mentioned to me that Shaun often discussed ways he could motivate a particular student, and this seems to be a significant aspect of his teacherly identity.100 Of course, Shaun’s teacherly identity will change over the years. In fact, not too long after its becoming fully formed in 1966, he will write “Taught all AM until 12:00 noon--some days I like it--some days I m it” (1 1/22/67), only to write the following year, “Taught all day off & on & it was one of the most enjoyable ever--the kids are great & I do enjoy teaching” (9/12/68). Also, as I mentioned above, his struggles with obtaining his Ph.D. contribute to declaring a dislike for teaching (see his 3/17/69 entry quoted on p. 266), only to be followed by “Really enjoy this schl year so far!” (9/8/69; he passed his comprehensive exams on 7/7/69). Furthermore, switching from the Catholic high school to the city public school presents its challenges. On the first day, he notes “to my cold, portable classroom. . . . a madhouse. . . . no books & no seating order. Thought I’d go nuts but appeared calm. . . . Hated today & feared tomorrow” (9/15/71). 'OOA couple of future entries I noticed while glancing through his later volumes continue to support the importance of this aspect of his teacherly identity: “Saw kids after schl” (4/7/82) and “Counseled Kurt Conally” (12/8/89). 300 ......1 But even this settles down the next day, and he begins to adapt: “Used seating Chrt & learned names & kept kids busy & today was alps! I really relaxed a bit & even enjoyed it a bit. (Several ‘readers’ said they ‘forget’ their glasses.) My 11th Jrs are unfortunately slow & behind--I must use m patience!” (9/16/71). And in a few months, he is happy again: “taught regular classes all day. I really enjoy it a 1000 per cent more than I ever thought I would. . . . The days really fly by when you’re teaching” (1 l/16/7l). Again glancing through some of the later years of his diary, I read some other statements of interest related to his teacherly identity, including “Well, at Q I get to go back to schl [after an illness]. I had dreams about my classes! . . . . To [high school] at 7:30 & Cof. Had lst & 2nd Hr exams till l2:00--they wrote gLMpg critiques & were as good as gold!” (6/8/81); “Lg; teaching lately but tiring” (3/5/90); and “miss the routine of teaching & the kids” (1991 year-end entry; Shaun retired in June, 1990). While changes in his teacherly identity are not surprising, especially given the differences between private Catholic schools and public city schools, as well as the experience of teaching for over thirty years, what comes as a bit of a surprise is his never mentioning any of the movements in English Education beginning in the late 19605, including those arising out of the Dartmouth Conference on the Teaching of English (1966). While he will use the term “language arts” instead of “English” once—“To Jacksburg . . . for teacher’s institute. Beautiful schl. Cold (no heat.) Lunch there--I took over a meeting on Language arts--the speaker finally arrived. Home about 4:30 or so” (1 1/23/70)—the closet he gets to mentioning these changes is writing, “Had Eng Dept meeting after schl--new changes coming & I hate change” (10/26/71). For a person who hated change, he certainly went through enough of it as he formed his academic identity as both a student and teacher. 30] Much beyond the effects of change, however, Shaun’s formation of an academic identity—like his formation of a sexual identity—was impeded by his struggles with guilt, uncertainty, and anxiety. Related to his academic identity, he felt guilty over not spending enough time studying as a student, uncertain of success as both a student and teacher, and anxious over developing and maintaining “mastery and command,” not only of his academic subjects as both a student and teacher, but also over his classroom discipline. However, Shaun overcame these limitations, not only benefiting himself, but also his students, as Deb, one of his St. John’s High School students, pointed out within her dedication of the photograph of herself she gave to him: “I’m grateful to you for everything I’ve learned from you which will help me to be a better citizen.” In the end, Shaun will affect many such students over his thirty-plus years of teaching, a benefit of having successfully formed his academic identity, which brings me to my conclusion. 302 Chapter 8 Conclusion In chapter 1, I explained my initial fascination with forty-one multicolored diary volumes lining a friend’s bookshelf and chronicling the life of Shaun O’Hare, a gay, Catholic, working class student andEnglish teacher. That a fourteen-year-old had started a diary and written in it for nearly forty-five years seemed amazing. I found it a very appealing artifact. 1 was eager to read what Shaun had written in his diary about teaching English, since 1 had recently started a master’s degree program in teaching English to community college students (and, as I explained in chapter 2, I was interested in teachers’ lives in general). I was also interested in understanding what it was like to grow up gay within the Catholic faith in 19505 small-town America, something that seemed rather difficult to say the least. As a self-styled “collector of lost sentiments,” I also found appealing the challenge of discovering the diary’s value beyond its personal appeal to me, a challenge that evolved into my doctoral work.lOl Over twelve years and seven chapters into my dissertation later (culminating six years of research), I have come to understand one such value of Shaun's diary: In writing in his diary, Shaun has revealed himself; he has exteriorized his identity and composed his selflrood, which has implications in the fields of rhetoric, composition, and teacher education, especially in the areas of composing and identity (including identity politics and teacherly identity), studying teachers’ lives. genre theory. and American cultural rhetorics. '0’ As a consequence of collecting lost sentiments, my own bookshelves are full of other people’s artifacts, ranging from Victorian photograph albums to autograph and scrap books and even a milkman’s tin document box complete with documents dating between 1882 and 1913 such as his dealer’s license. wagon and feed receipts. photo, and declaration of intention to become a US. citizen. In fact. my next project is to analyze through the theoretical lens of colonialism my grandfather’s diary and associated papers, letters, and photographs from his time spent in Africa as a sales agent with the General Motors Export Company between 1919 and 1921. artifacts which also occupy my bookshelves, and which also have a story to tell. 303 In terms of composing and identity and studying teachers’ lives, the implications include a better understanding of all that it takes to become a student and a teacher, an important consideration among the identity issues highlighted, for example, during the 2007 Conference on College Composition and Communication, but something easily forgotten by those caught up in the myriad time-consuming demands of academia such as teaching, scholarship, and service, or even something one might not have considered in connection with particular marginalized groups such as working class Catholic homosexuals, let alone those occupying other borderlands. A better understanding will lead to better connections with our students, and whether idealized through improved assignments or face-to-face interactions, our better connections will improve our students’ chances for success. Shaun, in particular, as I demonstrated in chapters 4 through 7—thereby answering my first, third, and fifth research questions—has written himself into four identities: Social (including racial and socioeconomic), Sexual, Religious, and Academic (both as a student and teacher). ’02 Socially, Shaun wrote himself into an identity that included suburban prosperity, a mostly unexarnined and self-idealized concept of race, an independence from—but appreciation for—his extended family, and a reliance upon gay friendship and companionship, all within the material and cultural context of white Middle America in the 19505 and 19605. Religiously and sexually, despite intense pressures to conform, Shaun wrote himself into dual identities—a religious identity that allowed him to continue to embrace his Catholic faith but also accommodate his personal acceptance of homosexuality, and a sexual identity which, while personally acceptable, ’02 As I explained in chapter 2, my research questions are: 1) How does Shaun O’Hare write himself into being within his diary? 2) How does the technology of the diary enable his identity construction? 3) What are the shifts in his identities over the years? 4) How does the diary itself change over the years? and 5) What effects on Shaun’s teacherly identity do his other identities have, or vice versa? 304 was publicly hidden, all within a repressive and homophobic religious and sociocultural context. And academically, Shaun wrote himself into a doctoral-degree-holding high school English teacher who valued discipline, subject mastery and command, a “teacher- like” appearance, and a mentoring/counseling relationship with students—a challenge, Carter and Doyle assert, which is well beyond simply earning certification and learning skills ( l 39). Instead, they assert, “becoming a teacher means (a) transforming an identity, (b) adapting personal understandings and ideals to institutional realities, and (c) deciding how to express one’s self in classroom activity” (139), all of which Shaun negotiated while forming his other identities within the various sociocultural contexts of the times, a formation signaled by the cessation of his major struggles and his making “enduring, self- chosen commitments” (drawing upon Marcia 2). Perhaps a better, or renewed, understanding of this process will enable teachers to help make identity formation easier for their students, including those studying to become future teachers. Shaun extemalizes his identity formation (writing himself into being) through his diary entries. As teacher educator Anne DiPardo explains, We all negotiate among multiple identities, moving between public and private selves, living in a present shadowed by the past, encountering periods in which time and circumstance converge to realign or even restructure our images of who we are. (211) However, we do not all write down these negotiations and restructurings of our identities like Shaun does, making his diary a rare artifact and important source of insight into identity formation. Similarly, it is Shaun's act of writing in his diary in certain ways which has implications for genre theory. 305 In terms of genre theory, the implications are a renewed and/or broadened understanding of three particular aspects, as I discussed in chapter 3: 1) the older classificatory aspects in which Shaun knows what is supposed to be in a diary, and he follows these generic guidelines, which relates to “invention” in the composition sense; 2) the technological aspects in that the diary volume publisher’s pre-printed template pages (e. g., their sizes, the presence of monthly memoranda pages) both enable and constrain the writing (thereby answering my second research question), which relates to invention again in the composition sense, but beyond simple classification; and 3) the newer social action aspects. in which the composing of identity—the literal invention of the self, or rather. selves—is a social process which can also take place in a seemingly private forum such as a diary. Shaun’s identity formation is “assisted” by the diary genre in these ways. In other words, the diary genre provides Shaun with a “repertoire of possible actions,” as Bazerman terms it (qtd. in Bawarshi 76), actions including composing selflrood. The diary helps him “invent” himself, literally and figuratively, by providing him with literal and metaphorical prompts and a forum in which to consider his actions in relation to others. Shaun is using the diary in the way Bawarshi describes as “discursively and materially organizing. knowing, experiencing, acting. and relating in the world” (9), or, in the way Devitt describes as using “language to make [his] way in the world” (9). It is not that Shaun would have been unable to form his identities without his diary; rather, the diary helped him do so by providing a space in which to extemalize his thoughts, which could have been helpful along the lines of Diane Ackerrnan’s contention, “Refine the words and you refine the thought” (qtd. in Boehm). 306 Studying how Shaun changed the ways he wrote his thoughts within the diary spaces in conjunction with the content of his entries gave me insight into his evolving identities (and the answers to my fourth research question).’03 For example, as I explained in chapter 6, at the height of his sexual identity crisis, he started an “abstinence count” in the top margin of each entry on 9/17/60, eventually dropping it after 12/31/66, signaling his acceptance of his homosexual behavior, much as his also writing, then dropping, “J MJ” at the top between 1/2/62 and 1/1/66 signaled his progress toward this acceptance within the context of his religious identity. Another important change in the diary occurred in 1966 and 1967, to which I alluded in chapter 1 and briefly discussed in chapter 3. Prior to this, Shaun wrote most entries on the day they occurred, or in a few cases, the next day, but beginning in 1966, and especially from October, 1967, he wrote many more entries as much as several days—and in some cases, weeks—later, a trend that continued to the end of the diary. ’04 This is an aspect of the diary that may have had greater importance had I continued to read it beyond 1971 (other than some excerpts here and there), an importance related to the filtering effects of memory I addressed in chapter 1, as Shaun himself noted: “Bed about 10 or 10:30 or so--don't remember the day so clearly (on Thurs [3/7] when I write this)” (entry for 3/4/68). Similarly, on 4/22/68, he had written “Hard to remember a week back sometimes." Shaun’s drawing upon memories several days old rather than a few ’03 Recall that 1 read the diary from its start on 1/1/50 through 12/31/71, plus a few excerpts from other vears. '0’ Shaun always indicated if an entry was written on another date. Also. he sometimes wrote very late entries diagonally on the page to further reinforce this difference, and such entries were usually generalized. For example, for the 10/22/70 entry (written 11/10). he writes “Oct 22 to & thru Oct 29th are about the same so I’ll make this a continuous narrative from here thru there. Everyday began with mass & a solo game or so. Then Dutch would get up about 7:15 [continues on 10/23 page] & see me off to schl. I’d leave about 7:30 & go to mass. Then teach all day[.] Then home & have a diet sup. take a 2 mile hike, T.V. & bed 9:30 or so.” This narrative continues through 10/29, as he indicates; the entry for 10/30 reverts to the usual entry, but is still written on 1 1/10. 307 hours old could thus have affected the content of his entries, especially, perhaps, the ones in which he recorded his feelings about the events he depicted. A last example of how the diary changed during the period I read is Shaun’s dropping the top-margin weather notation beginning in 1967, which, by itself, does not seem important and could simply be a result of his not remembering what the weather was on a particular day in the case of entries he wrote later. However, perhaps both of these last two examples of changes were due to his losing some interest in keeping the diary, as he writes on 7/5/68: “a chore I‘m dreading lately to do.” His losing interest could be a result of his being very busy teaching and trying to finish his doctorate. Also, perhaps because he had recently formed his sexual and teacherly identities after significant struggle over many years, he did not have as much motivation to write in the diary. at least for awhile. He does write on 1/26/71, “decided to write pgs in here. Why I leave it to the last minute I don’t know.” Whatever the reason for his feeling the way he did at the time, he probably did not continue to feel that way, since he kept writing in his diary until 5/24/94, three days before he died. ’05 What Shaun wrote could be said to be his life’s story, which relates to the implications of his diary’s value in American cultural rhetorics. In terms of American cultural rhetorics, the implications surround the value of “story.” American cultural rhetorics, according to Powell (class lecture), can be viewed "as a methodology, as theory, and as a set of beliefs.” All three views value the ’05 Ironically, Shaun foretold his own death several times. As I mentioned in chapter 4, he was a heavy smoker from a very early age: “Persistent sore throat--smoke too much!” (5/15/61). On 10/4/62. he writes “Very sore throat & feel sick all over. Cancer? Sinus? God only knows!” And on 3/28/73, he writes “Severe sore throat lately--l had blamed it on Cigs but I've quit. Hope it’s not terribly serious-—1 always fear cancer” (he started smoking again on 9/ /73). A little over three years after retiring in June, 1990. he was diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer and died several months later at 58. His last diary entry was on 5/24/94: “I’m so drugged & sick! 4:00 Dr Lux appoint--dread bad news//” (he wrote this in the morning; the “//” indicate that he intended to finish the entry later, something he did every now and then in his diary, but not on this day). 308 importance of "story,” particularly “unheard stories” and “counter-stories,” as I explained in chapter 1, again drawing on Powell (“Blood” 2). Shaun’s story is such a story, up to now unheard by all but a few people. Several other researchers attest to the value of stories (stories of various genres, analyzed through various theoretical lenses) as well: McDonough; Brindley and Emminger; Doecke, Brown, and Loughran; Wilson and Ritchie; and Sumara and Luce- Kapler. Three in particular highlight the connection between “story” and “identity.” Writing about their own counter-stories, Gibson et al. highlight the value of all stories, pointing out that “storytelling is the way we compose our lives; all identity, all social construction, begins with narratives” (71), as I explained in chapter 2. McAdams also relates “identity” to “story” in his “life story model of identity” theory, in which “identity itself takes the form of a story, complete with setting, scenes, character, plot, and theme” (“The Psychology” 101). While a diary does not present as unified a story, it is a story nevertheless, one that offers significant potential for new understandings of identity. As Spacks writes, even though diaries lack such formal narrative characteristics like plots, they invite readers to come to know the author “on the basis of [his or her] language” (62), a methodology which requires interpretation, as Spacks also points out (62), which is an issue that is especially important as it involves agency, or who is authorized to tell/interpret someone’s story, especially one so private (as I discussed in chapter 2).106 This issue of agency still concerns me. After all, Shaun did not like people to read his diary, at least while he was writing it. As I quoted in chapter 6, Shaun once wrote “Home & ‘the Phantom’ (one of my pisshead infantile roommates) had ‘struck’ my ’0’ Writing about the chronicle—which while different from a diary has similarities—White states: “typically. it lacks closure, that summing up of the ‘meaning’ of the chain of events with which it deals that we normally expect from the well-made story” (16). Since diary authors die, any meaning derived fiom their diaries must be interpreted by someone else (unless of course the author does so before death). 309 Diary” (6/2/58). And in the top margin of this entry, he wrote “I won’t miss my roommates and detest the lack of privacy here.” I also explained his use of private language in the diary (albeit limited). Later in life, Shaun kept his old diary volumes in the drawers of his Eastlake secretary/desk in his study, where he also wrote in his current volume. During his illness, which he knew was terminal, he did not take any precautions to prevent the diary’s being read after his death (even the keys were there), nor did he make any arrangements for the diary, as I explained in chapter 3. He did make arrangements for his other property, and when he died, the diary volumes accompanied all of that. The secretary desk on which he wrote his diary ended up in his friend’s living room; the diaries from the drawers ended up in the secretary’s bookshelves. I would think that if Shaun had wanted anything in particular done with them, he would have said something to his friend, or if he had really not wanted anyone to read them, he would have destroyed them. But perhaps he could not bring himself to do this after putting so much time into them, or perhaps he felt that destroying them would hasten his own destruction. Or, perhaps he felt they were too important to destroy. After all, as I explained in chapter 3, twenty-one years before his death, Shaun had written: “Life moves on & on. I feel a need to create & leave a mark--leave something for the world. Maybe writing?” (2/2/73). While Shaun may not have meant this to be his diary, overriding my concern about agency is the importance of the story contained within the diary, and because Shaun is dead, if I did not tell his story, it might not be told. As for the issue of interpretation, two considerations are especially important. First, as I discussed and demonstrated throughout this dissertation (particularly drawing on Cushman, both in person and in print), even though such stories are valuable in better understanding identity, I still needed to explore how socially/historically situated an 310 identity is, including Shaun’s. Second, as Denzin reminds researchers, people have many stories, not just one “that grasps or covers all that a life is for a person” (72). He declares that “stories, then, like the lives they tell about, are always open-ended, inconclusive and ambiguous, subject to multiple interpretations” (81). Shaun’s story is no exception. And while White points out that “for the narrative historian, the historical method consists in investigating the documents in order to determine what is the true or most plausible story that can be told about the events of which they are evidence” (27), as I quoted in chapter 1, Goodson & Sikes remind researchers that when they choose one story over another, they “are, in effect, closing off other, alternative ones” (46). Related to this, one potential danger, Goodson declares, is that such prioritization can be politicized, a situation that occurs when the researcher chooses particular “experiences in order to support the impression they wish to project, the representation they want to make” (ctd. in Goodson and Sikes 46). As I explained in chapter 2, I was particularly careful not to alter the original contexts in which Shaun wrote his entries and to not misrepresent him as I interpreted his identity moves. I wanted to honestly represent my interpretation of what seemed true for Shaun, or, rather, what seemed possibly true for him, as ultimately, he is the only one who could have said so for sure, though even then, perhaps only what was true for him at any given time within any given context. I must admit, however, that as I chose which aspects of his stories to interpret, it angered me to see him blame himself so long for something I feel is blameless—his being gay and living his life as such—and it greatly saddened me to see how much he struggled over the years because of it. Besides the academic reasons I explained above, I feel that stories like Shaun’s are important to share in that they may help people better understand how wrong it is for our society— especially those who profess to know the “true” meaning of God’s words—to put people 311 through such struggles in the first place. If, therefore, my representation of Shaun’s story could thus be considered improper politics, then so be it. There is, after all—as history proves over and over—a time to be political, and if any time in particular should be that time, that time is now. In short, the gay, Catholic, working-class student and English teacher’s story of identity formation, as revealed in his diary, is not only one through which I can show how identity formation comes about through the act of composing; it is also one through which I can counter people’s don’t ask. don’t tell mentality. In short, it is a story that I too “am not able to escape or ignore,” as Powell declares (“Blood” 3), writing about other counter stories in the tradition of American cultural rhetorics. And of course, it is only part of the story contained in Shaun’s diary, both in the years I read, as well as in the ones I did not. Glancing through the years I did not read (1972 — 1994). I noticed very similar entries about what Shaun did, whom he saw, and what he bought, with some occasional reflection, though often limited, including within brief year-end entries such as “A good yr” (1973) and “1981 was good year of antiques & generally good.” Related to this last entry, Shaun increasingly becomes interested in buying and selling antiques, eventually becoming quite successful, significantly improving his socioeconomic status, as some diary entries evidence: “Sold 2 lamps & made 300$ elated” (8/19/74); “got 1 thou profit after expenses [from one show]” (10/2/83, about a month after reporting his two-week take-home teaching salary of $770); and “A good year--lots of antiques sales. Moved into mansion of a home. What can I say? Pray next year is as good” (1 977 December Memo). This last entry indicates he seems to have maintained his religious identity as well (besides praying, he also still records going to mass and saying the rosary). In terms of teaching. his diary entries continue to mostly list the classes he taught, sometimes by 312 name—“Am Lit 10, Storytelling, lunch. . . . Then Am Lit 10, Storytelling & adv Comp” (3/6/72)—or simply generalized: “Taught a regular day all day” (1 1/2/77) and “Taught reg. classes all day” (1 0/26/82). Sometimes he mentions what went on in class such as “read poems aloud” (1 1/14/77) and “Quizzes all day” (9/18/81), or he expresses how teaching is going in general: “Got wonderful classes & enjoy them & teaching a great deal” (2/3/82). His sexual identity also seems unchanged; indeed, he is still living with Dutch and will continue to do so despite the occasional entry indicating the contrary, entries which also reflect his unchanged social identity (e. g. “Dutch & I are moving more & more apart. . . . We won’t last thru 1980 & I no longer care [“Summary of 1979”]). Last, he also writes about his cancer, writing that it “Looks like it’s spread to lymph nodes. Guess it’s over” (9/28/93); “Looks inoperable. How sad” (9/29/93); and “I know this is lethal & dread it” (10/15/93), a story which is also important. For my dissertation, however, I had to choose a particular story to tell, and because of my interests as I explained above, I chose the story of Shaun’s identity formation. In the end, despite all my efforts to honestly interpret what I feel is an important story, I still wonder, is my telling Shaun’s story something he would have wanted to happen in relation to his diary? In terms of his wanting to “leave a mark,” did he simply want to be remembered along the lines of Mallon’s assertion that “the expressed or secret wish of every diarist [is] to live beyond his [or her] time” (284)? While I cannot conclude this, what I can conclude for certain is that Shaun indeed made a mark on at least part of the world. In chapter 7, I quoted Ernie Rhymes’ photograph dedication, a photograph I found in the box of other papers and such his friend lent me with the diaries. In his dedication, Ernie thanked Shaun for helping prepare him for “knocks in latter life.” Along with this photograph were thirty-nine others with inscriptions: eighteen from 313 young men (with buzz-cut or short, slicked-back hair and lots of ears) and twenty-two from young women (with bouffant hairdos and very few ears), mostly seniors from the looks of them and the tone of their inscriptions. Based on the few that were dated and their style, most were from the same time period, 1962 through 1967, when Shaun was teaching at the Catholic high school, and perhaps their being dated close to the time he finally formed his teacherly identity is no coincidence. In the dedications on the backs was evidence that Shaun would be remembered, at least for awhile: “To my best English teacher who I will never forget” (Bobbie); “I’ll never forget all that you’ve done for me” (Dee); “To the greatest teacher that I have had. I want to thank you for all your help. . . . I hope that I may become an English teacher as good as you are. I’ll never forget you” (Carl); “to a real swell and fine teacher at [S.J.S.] whom I will never forget. You have done so much to make me learn and understand English class more better” (Leanne); “You’ve helped me many times in many ways and I’ll never forget you” (Sarah); “To my favorite English teacher--this w. I’ll never forget you” (Beth); and “I’ll never forget you, and I hope the feeling is mutual. I really don’t know what I would have done without you for the past 3 years. I think your’ a wonderful man, & I have all the respect in the world for you” (Shelly). Several others attest to Shaun’s being “terrific,” “understanding,” “organized,” “nice,” and a “friend,” as well as an effective teacher. Shaun kept these photographs for approximately thirty years. Whether this is what Shaun meant with his 1973 wish to leave a mark I do not know, but perhaps this is the best kind of mark a teacher could leave. And whether the remaining twenty-two and a half years of diary would provide additional clues toward possible meanings, I also do not know; however, even after glancing through only a few volumes, I can say for certain that they 314 do contain other stories, stories which may also be of interest in the fields of rhetoric, composition, and teacher education, and stories which I intend to explore in the future. 315 WORKS CITED Akerlof, George A., and Rachel E. Kranton. “Identity and Schooling: Some Lessons for the Economics of Education.” Journal of Economic Literature 40 (2002): 1167- 1201. JSTOR. 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