Learning about antiracism can be an emotional and isolating process for white people. With most research focusing on the experiences of undergraduates (Schooley, Lee, & Spanierman, 2019), the experiences of adults committed to this lifestyle are often ignored. This study uses narrative inquiry to examine the experiences of four white women in higher education as they commit to antiracism. Participants were vetted as committed to antiracism by Black-led antiracist educators. Participants reflected on their life experiences with race, racism, and antiracism, and participated in a focus group and individual interview. Each participant's story is shared as well as several identified themes. The theme of being a betweener helped participants navigate the emotional process of living in between different worlds; one where they are often disappointed by ignorant comments of white friends and one where they will really never understand the racist world of their Black friends. The range of these emotions is evident in the subthemes which include isolation, lacking a sense of belonging, and needing/wanting a space to process some of the emotions involved without harming their friends and loved ones who are Black. Adults seemed to have more intense descriptions of lacking support, appeared more self-aware, and some even felt a sort of responsibility or pressure to teach other white people and defend Black people or other people of color. Another theme of becoming involves the continued process of evolving to a better self (Obama, 2021). Subthemes included the fact that everyone experienced imposter syndrome at all stages of this journey and the idea that practice makes progress (not practice makes perfect, but practice makes progress) in this lifelong commitment. Participants in this study appeared to show signs of more advanced stages of white identity where there is more peace, liberation, and a healthier way of life.
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