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WHEN THE CULTURAL CODE OF EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION FAILS:
AN ANALYSIS OF SIX NARRATIVES OF SEXUAL ASSAULT
presented by

Diana Jean Stansberry

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M.A. _ Anthropology
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WHEN THE CULTURAL CODE OF EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION FAILS:
AN ANALYSIS OF SIX NARRATIVES OF SEXUAL ASSAULT

By

Diana Jean Stansberry

A THESIS

Submitted to
Michigan State University
in partial fulfillment of the requirements
for a degree of

MASTER OF ARTS

Department of AnthrOpology

1995

ABSTRACT

WHEN THE CULTURAL CODE OF EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION FAILS:
AN ANALYSIS OF SIX NARRATIVES OF SEXUAL ASSAULT

By

Diana J. Stansberry

In this thesis, the tepic of sexual assault in modern American culture is
examined in a theoretical framework entitled the cultural code of emotional
expression. It is prOposed that the cultural code of emotional expression fails to
provide the survivors of sexual assault and other participants in the culture with the
ability to understand, find meaning in, and express emotions regarding sexual assault
in a culturally designated manner. Rather, the survivors of sexual assault are
marginalized and create their own meanings, expressions, and "sub—culture."

Narratives are elicited from female sexual assault survivors regarding their
reactions to and constructions of their assaults. The research outlines similarities and
differences in the emotional expressions of sexual assault survivors. Based on the
failure of the cultural code of emotional expression, examples of universal, cultural,

and individual reactions to and expressions of the women's sexual assault experience

are shown and discussed.

Copyright by
DIANA JEAN STAN SBERRY
1995

Dedicated to the reader
who cares enough
to seek understanding and insight.

iv

 

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

This section of my thesis is perhaps the most important yet least read. I ask

that my readers take a moment to read my acknowledgements to those individuals who
unselfishly gave of their time, support, and experiences.

I must begin by thanking my committee members: Dr. Jacob Climo for being
an endless source of encouragement and guidance; Dr. Frederick Roberts for his
critical readings and UCRIHS assistance; and Dr. Diane Levande for helping me look
at my thesis from a different perspective. I wish to thank my parents for making all
of this possible. Also, I want to thank Robert Beard, Michigan Vocational

Rehabilitation, for his assistance and support.

I also want to thank the following individuals for everything they have done to
assist me in producing this thesis.
Gail Barricklow for finding the answers to all my technical questions.

Lynn Hessler for her support and early morning phone consultations.

Eric Aitala for his support and concern even when he did not understand what

I was talking about.
Harold Cowherd for listening.

Krista Sumner, Janet Ambrose, Michelle Stanek, and Lily Chatterjee for their

constant support, encouragement, interest, and brainstorming sessions.

 

Stephen Lorimor and Jeffery Cline for allowing me to voice my ideas and
concerns to another person and ensuring I took breaks to gain perspective.
L. Steven Gunsior for computer assistance and a dose of humor at any hour.
Kathryn Forman for caring, concern, and occasional shoulder massages.
Colonel Terence A. R. Whiteman and Shelia Gendich, MD. for their endless
support, encouragement, enthusiasm, and allowing me to escape the confines of my
room. And to their daughter, Anna V. Whiteman, for reminding me of what is really
important in life.
Ruben Viramontez for his support, comments, and encouragement during the
writing process.
Linda Wirtz for reading my thesis over her spring break and giving me her
comments.
Kim Alman for understanding and enduring with me.
Chris Karll for reminding me to smile and cheering me throughout the writing

process.

 

My social work classmates (especially those in SW 841) for their support,

willingness to listen, and allowing me time to occasionally put aside my work.

 

To the women of the study, without whom my thesis would never have
materialized, for their bravery, insights, and willingness to participate.

Finally, and most importantly, I wish to thank William A. Haas for his constant
and unwavering support, encouragement, and kindness throughout my entire graduate

career and especially during my work on this thesis.

 

Thank you to all mentioned here and anyone I may have inadvertently omitted.

vi

TABLE OF CONTENTS

Chapter 1 - Introduction ......................................... 1
Section I
Chapter 2 — Literature Review and Theoretical Framework .................. 5
Chapter 3 - Methodology ....................................... 16
Section 11
Chapter 4 - The Narrative of Sexual Assault .......................... 22
Chapter 5 -- Explicit Communication of Sexual Assault ................... 38
Chapter 6 - Being Alone and the Internal Experience .................... 54
Chapter 7 — The Influence of Family and Childhood Experiences
on the Construction of Sexual Assault ................. 83
Section III
Chapter 8 - Responses of Other Sexual Assault Survivors ................. 98
Chapter 9 - Victim Blaming and the Reconstruction of the
Cultural Code of Emotional Expression ............... 108
Chapter 10 — Summary and Conclusions ............................ 126
Appendix A ................................................ 130
Bibliography ............................................... 132

vii

 

 

 

CHAPTER 1

INTRODUCTION

In this thesis, I examine the topic of sexual assault in modern American
culture. I pr0pose that the cultural code of emotional expression fails to provide the
survivors of sexual assault and other participants in the culture with the ability to
understand, find meaning in, and express emotions regarding sexual assault in a
culturally designated manner. Rather, the survivors of sexual assault are marginalized
and create their own meanings, expressions, and "sub-culture."

Before I proceed, I first need to define several terms. By the term "modern
American culture," I am referring to the culture of the United States of America in the
early 1990's. The term "survivor" refers to both males and females who have been
sexually assaulted and have worked (and may be working) to incorporate this
traumatic experience into their lives. The term "survivor" in this thesis will refer to
the female survivors only. Although "sexual assault" includes many forms of
culturally defined inappropriate sexual contact, the term is used in this thesis to denote
rape and incest only. The term "sub-culture" was provided by one of the participants
in my research to refer to a cognitively based collective or community of sexual
assault survivors (this is discussed in Chapter 9 - Victim Blaming and the

Reconstruction of the Cultural Code of Emotional Expression).

 

2

As a sexual assault counselor at a volunteer crisis center, I began to notice
similarities in the appearance and emotions of the clients I was seeing. These two
themes, physical appearance and emotions, were connected to each other. I
hypothesized that due to the poorly defined position of sexual assault survivors in
modern American culture, these women were expressing their emotions in alternative
ways (i.e. physically). Furthermore, since these alternative emotional expressions were
linked to the failure of the cultural code, the expressions must also be tied to the
culture. In other words, the cultural background of the survivor would influence her
emotional expression.

In this thesis, I have utilized a narrative form of analysis (analysis of
narratives, or stories, elicited from survivors) so that the women involved in my
research will, hOpefully, remain as distinct individuals, rather than voice—less subjects
(for a detailed description of narrative analysis, see Chapter 3 - Methodology).
Throughout the thesis, three themes of reactions and expressions are followed:
universal, cultural, and idiosyncratic. The term "universal themes," as used in this
thesis, is not meant to imply these themes occur cross—culturally. Rather, universal
themes are emotions and the traumatic event that occur among all of the subjects in
my study and have external support from literature (Winkler, McMullen, and
Wininger, 1994). For example, the emotions described by the rape trauma syndrome
(Winkler, et al, 1994:268-270). Cultural themes include those reactions and emotions
that can be logically and reasonably linked to culture and culturally based values. For

example, a woman who was raised in a religious household that valued remaining a

virgin until marriage feels intense guilt for losing her virginity when raped.

 

3

Idiosyncratic themes include reactions and emotions that do not occur among all the
women in my study, do not appear to have a direct cultural link, and/or are influenced
by the woman's personal experiences. For example, a woman who places her health at
risk by refusing to seek testing for sexually transmitted diseases and HIV/AIDS in
order to prevent her assailant from having more "power" over her.

Due to various limitations on my research (discussed in greater detail in
Chapter 10 -- Summary and Conclusions). I am not pr0posing that these women are
representative of their demographic cohorts. Instead, I invite the reader to perceive
this work as discerning the preliminary threads of my hypothesis and as a basis for
future research in this area.

The chapters are organized in a three sections. Section I contains Chapter 2 -
Literature Review and Theoretical Framework and Chapter 3 - Methodology. Chapter
2 introduces the reader to the theory and research behind my pr0posed cultural code of
emotional expression. Chapter 3 provides the reader with a description of the process,
or methodology, of my research.

Section II focuses on the micro level experiences as related by the women in
my study. The micro level includes the survivor's personal experiences of assault,
communication, and life experiences that influenced their reactions to their sexual
assaults. Chapter 4 - The Narrative of Sexual Assault contains a brief demographic
description of each woman with her narrative account of her sexual assault experience.

Chapter 5 - Explicit Communication of Sexual Assault includes a discussion about
the women's experiences telling other peOple about their sexual assaults, confronting

their assailants, and expressing their emotions through creative, artistic forms. Chapter

 

4

6 - Being Alone and the Internal Experience focuses on the women‘s personal and
internal emotions and their expressions. In Chapter 7 - The Influence of Family and
Childhood Experiences on the Construction of Sexual Assault, the women describe
early life events they feel influenced their responses to their sexual assault experience.
Section HI examines the macro level of experiences as related by the women in
my study. The macro level includes the women's views of sexual assault as a general
t0pic of discourse. Chapter 8 - ReSponses of Other Sexual Assault Survivors contains
the women's descriptions of their interactions with other survivors and how these
interactions influenced the women's construction of their sexual assault experiences.
In Chapter 9 — Victim Blaming and the Reconstruction of the Cultural Code of
Emotional Expression the women of my study offer their analysis of culture, including
how and why sexual assault survivors react to their experiences. This section is
followed by Chapter 10 - Summary and Conclusions where I offer a summary of the
thesis, a discussion of findings, and include areas for future research.
I wish the reader to note at this time that in order to maintain confidentiality, all

names in this thesis have been changed and identifying information omitted.

 

SECTION I

 

CHAPTER 2

LITERATURE REVIEW AND THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK

In my review of the theoretical literature on culture, emotion, and the body, I
have pulled together the main themes in the current literary discourse on these tapics
in order to create and pose a basic theoretical framework, the cultural code of
emotional expression, for analysis of my thesis. I begin my presentation of this
material by defining culture and the concepts of self and personhood. I will then
proceed from these definitions to elaborate upon my theoretical framework of the
cultural code of emotional expression. I conclude this chapter by providing a brief
review of the feminist theory of victim blaming and how this theory demonstrates a
failure of the cultural code of emotional expression to provided understanding,
meaning, and a means of expressing emotions regarding sexual assault for sexual

assault survivors and other members of modern American culture.

Culture

Human culture is not a material thing that can be touched by the individual or
displayed for others to see. While the material by—products (hand axes, automobiles,
behavior, etc.) of culture can be observed by the on—looker, culture exists only within

the minds of its participants. Yet despite its intangibility, individuals look to culture

6
to define their experiences and attribute meaning to them (Bock, 1988). Cultures
create their own conformation, by assigning members social roles that "reinforce belief
in the prevailing system of classification by making it appear grounded in reality"
(Bourdieu, 1990:71). To be effective in constructing this sense of "reality", culture
requires the constant involvement and continuous interactions among all participants
(Rosaldo, 1980). In this way, culture reproduces itself and provides for its participants
a means of mediating between personal and group needs and experiences (Middleton,
1989).
Participation in a culture involves a
long slow process of autonomization [that] one does not embark on
by a conscious act, one is born into the [culture], with the [culture];
and the relation of investment, is made more total and unconditional
by the fact that it is unaware of what it is. (Bourdieu, 1990167)
In other words, cultural membership does not occur quickly such as in a brief rite of
passage, rather the process occurs over the course of an individual's lifeSpan through

the process of socialization. Through this process, an individual develOps a sense of

"belonging" to and participation in her/his culture (Bourdieu, 1990).

Whom!

The concept of what defines self and personhood varies culturally (Rosaldo,
1980; Marcus and Fischer, 1986). Here, the term 'self,‘ relates to the individual‘s
personal, inner definition of her/himself, while 'personhood‘ refers to the combination
of the physical boundaries and limits of the body and the "essence" that culturally

constitutes a "human being." Since the "... self is an entirely social product" (Bock,

7

1988:147; original emphasis), the individual's view of 'self' informs social life
(Rosaldo, 1980). This view of the 'self‘ is continually constructed through interactions
with the 'other' (actual individuals in the culture or in the form of Goffman's

"generalized other") (Bock, 1988; Goffman, 1959).

As the individual seeks her/his place in the culture, s/he will examine her/his
perceptions of her/him -'self'. In a ”steady state system", where the culture changes
very little, there is an emphasis placed on "presenting self in conformity with a
smoothly functioning society" (Middleton, 1989:196). The constructed 'self' that is
gained from these interactions influences the individual's self-knowledge and can
restrict the experience of 'other selves' (Douglas, 1982). In the individual's pursuit of
'full self-knowledge', s/he must include the social conditions that affected her/his
development of the self (Douglas, 1982).

The culturally based conception of 'self‘ and 'personhood' determines the
perceptions of experience (Marcus and Fischer, 1986). These conceptions form the

basis of determining "human capabilities and actions, ideas about the self, and the

expression of emotions" (Marcus and Fischer, 1986:45).

Wm

Culture can be partially described by "its characteristic organization of
emotions" (Middleton, 1989:188). This is to say that in every culture, peOple
experience events that evoke an emotional response, but culture provides a way of

'framing' that experience into a meaningful event. Each culture's code of emotional

8

expression acts as a crucial link between random, emotional life events, historical
grounding, and the individual.

In the western mind, emotions have long been categorized as being irrational
and uncontrollable, a sign of vulnerability, and feminine in nature (Bock, 1988; Lutz,
1988). Emotions were, in the past, attributed to "natural and biological provinces of
human experience," and therefore thought to be "relatively uniform, uninteresting, and
inaccessible to the methods of cultural analysis" (Lutz and White, 1986:405). These
ideas were expressed by Jean-Paul Sartre who states in his outline of emotion theory
that he "shall not seek the explanation or the laws of emotion in the general and
essential structures of human reality, but in the process of the emotion itself which
will never permit either an understanding of a thing other than itself or of grasping by
means of it the essential reality of man" (Sartre, 1948z9; original emphasis). Such
cultural constructions are relative to the culture's past history as well as the particular
era within history (Bock, 1988). The study of human emotions and their relationship
with other aspects of culture remained unproductive until emotions were redefined and
viewed as an integral part of human experience (Elias, 1991).

Margaret Lock defines emotion as consisting of both thought and feeling
(Lock, 1993). Emotions are not "culture-free," and they can be understood only in the
context of culture (Sartre, 1948). In each culture, a code of emotional expression can
be found. This code includes a "normative organization of emotions indigenous
classification, form of communication, intensities of expression, and patterns of

linkage with each other and with other domains of culture" (Middleton,

9

1989:188-189). Thus, emotions are being understood "as a formative, institutional,
and explanatory force in ordinary life" (Middleton, 1989:196).

Anthmpologists have studied the emotion-culture relationship in an attempt to
discern "the possible conditions of an emotion, that is, whether the very structure of
human reality makes emotions possible and how it makes them possible" (Sartre,
1948z7; original emphasis). Given tha "...the quality of consciousness that
characterizes the particular emotion is typically, though not always, accompanied by
cognitive processes, and these cognitive processes are greatly influenced by culture"
(Izard, 1992:310), it would logically follow that emotions are and reflect cultural
constructions (Lutz, 1988).

Based on the concept that "... an emotion refers back to what it signifies
and, in effect, what it signifies is the totality of the relationship of the human reality to
the world" (Sartre, 1948193), emotional meaning is social and emotion speaks of
culture (Lutz, 1988). Since emotion is culturally formulated and socially
contextualized, the cultural code of emotional expression gives meaning and form to
the "public, social, and cognitive dimensions of emotional experience" (Lutz and
White, 1986:429). Codes of emotional expression vary not only between cultures, but
also within a given culture. That is to say "... whether or not an emotion expression is
encouraged or discouraged must vary with the age or developmental stage of the
[individual], the sex of the [individual], status of the [individual], or [her/his] family,
and a number of other variables" (Izard, 1983:311).

As noted above, the emotional domain is seen in relation to other domains of

culture. These relations have been divided into two areas: primary and secondary

10

linkages. Primary linkages connect emotions with "cognition and morality beliefs
about the nature of the world, the identity of a pe0ple, and how these concerns
influence thought, feeling, and action" (Middleton, 1989:195). These linkages provide
the individual with a reference point for explaining emotional expression. Secondary
linkages are the connections between the emotional domain and other domains
(kinship, age cohort, etc.). These linkages can become a cluster of linkages and serve
to show the secondary influences that provide information about cultural connections
between domains and the meanings attributed to these connections (Middleton, 1989).
Within cultures, some emotions are regarded as more visible and important
than others (Middleton, 1989). This difference in the value and importance placed on
different emotions is discussed in Levy’s work on emotion. Levy divides these ideas
of emotion into two categories: hypercognized and hypocognized. Hypercognized
emotions are highly visible, well defined and labeled, and carry a number of cultural
meanings and evaluations of the situational stimulus and expressions (Middleton,
1989:197). There are times, however, in every culture when individuals and groups
occasionally distance themselves from "strong, unacceptable emotions" (Middleton,
1989:199). In this case, these emotions are hypocognized. Hypocognized emotions are
less visible, but they can tell us about tensions and conflicts that drive group behavior
(Middleton, 1989).
Levy’s theory of emotion defines cultural organization as existing at the level

of an individual's personal emotional expression and her/his self-definition (Marcus

and Fischer, 1986). The interaction between emotional structure and the sense of self

11

is dynamic (Marcus and Fischer, 1986). It is thought that emotion has its social
origins in the concepts of self, other, world, and experiences (Lutz, 1988).

Each culture's code of emotions is influenced by time and place, and can be
seen as a "historically derived group of cognitive and moral structures" that give
"meaning and motivation" to participants so they may "enact and interpret" concepts of
the self and the "formative and regulative role culture [serves] in furnishing us with
ordered emotional experience[s]" (Middleton, 1989:188). Through the individual's
incorporation of cultural concepts, 3 set of "constitutive rules" deveIOps. These rules
"define for peOple who they are and how their emotional lives are related to their
identity. Such rules derive directly from systems of morality and belief that serve as
constant points of reference as peeple act and interpret acts" (Middleton, 1989:190).

The effects of "acculturation, deveIOpment, ecological pressures, and internal
system stresses and strains are potential sources of change " in the code of emotional
expression (Middleton, 1989:198). When the cultural code alters, the individual may
experience a sense of stress due to her/his maladaption to the new code. Turning to
Americans, Hochschild presents an argument that "the search for individual
authenticity among contemporary Americans is driven by a trend in which the self and
emotions belong to more organizations than to the individual" (Middleton,
1989:Footnote 4). In short, Americans' involvement in numerous social roles (such as
parent, child, worker, Spouse, club member, committee chair, and so on) places
different demands and regulations on the individual's emotional expressions. In the
face of demanding, constraining and conflicting roles and codes, many Arnerican's find

themselves with few resources upon which to develop a clear and strong sense of self.

 

12

M. Rosaldo defines emotions as "embodied thoughts, thoughts seeped with the
apprehension that 'I am involved'" (Rosaldo as quoted in Lutz and White, 1986:430).
Emotions are enacted through and on the body (Douglas, 1982). This expression is
regulated by the culture's code of emotional expression (Middleton, 1989). Hence, the
"balance between emotional impulses and emotion—controlling counter-impulses
show[s] itself in a person's movements, in their gestures and in their facial expressions
which are signals by means of which pe0ple communicate involuntarily or with intent
the condition of the self-regulation of their emotions to other human beings" (Elias,
1991:124).

Emotion—behavior studies have repeatedly shown that emotions drive individual
behavior (Middleton, 1989). The individual's concept of self in relation to culture,
"what [they] believe and know about themselves generate[s] their emotional behavior"
(Middleton, 1989:190). Yet, it cannot be assumed that "... behavior pure and simple is
not emotion, and pure and simple consciousness of this behavior is not emotion either"
(Elias, 1991; original emphasis). "In the case of human beings, unleamed emotional
impulses are always related to a person's learned self-regulation, more specifically to

learned controls [or cultural code] of emotion" (Elias, 1991:124).

S EEC! [GIEE'lE .

I have used the preceding literature review to set forth the theoretical
framework of the cultural code of emotional expression. This framework incorporates
the concepts of self, emotion, and body into a culturally based code of expression.

Thus, individuals'

13

emotional lives, ordered by culture, contribute[s] to our sense of
identity, our motivation to act, and our interpretation of the acts of
others. Our emotions are historically shaped sociocultural constructions
more than they are personal possession. The are processual events tied
fundamentally to other domains of culture. Emotions, like culture, are
organized in distinctive patterns. (Middleton, 1989:187)

Through this code, participants in the culture are provided with a means of

understanding, ordering, and reacting to events in a culturally "apprOpriate" fashion.

In some instances, due to cultural dualisms and contradictions regarding certain topics,

the code does not provide participants with this information and this absence becomes

a source of cultural tension. Furthermore, the lack of cultural prescriptions in such

areas raises the question of locating the boundary between the universal, the culture—

specific, and the individual or self—Specific expressions of emotional experiences. I

suggest that the area of sexual assault is one of these situations.

E'l ElCl! [El [E . [E .
Unlike, for example the death of a loved one, sexual assault in American

culture is an example of a failure of the cultural code of emotional expression to
provide understanding and meaning for cultural members. In American culture, it is
typical that when a loved one dies, the cultural code of emotional expression guides
individuals or survivors by defining them as "mourners" and prescribing acceptable
expressions of emotion such as crying and wearing black clothing. I argue that there
are no such prescriptions for survivors and other cultural members in the area of

sexual assault.

14

Drawing from the wealth of literature regarding sexual assault, there are two
notable themes that pervade the research and theory: the rape trauma syndrome and
victim blaming. I suggest that these reactions are responses by and toward the
survivor can be attributed to the failure of the cultural code.

The rape trauma syndrome describes survivors' responses her experience of
sexual assault (Brownmiller, 1975; Fairstein, 1993; Winkler, McMullen, and Wininger,
1994). These reactions include "dysfunctional feelings of disequilibrium, and
symptoms of malice which range from physical to emotional upheavals" (Winkler, et
al, 1994:268). These strong reactions to the trauma of sexual assault have a wide
range of manifestations. I argue this range of manifestations demonstrates the failure
of the cultural code to provide the survivors with a means of ordering and expressing
their emotions.

DeSpite numerous legal definitions of rape, incest, and criminal sexual conduct,
the question of consent is repeatedly raised as the determining factor in labeling sexual
assault (Boumil, Friedman, and Taylor, 1993; Brownmiller, 1975; Fairstein, 1993;
Roiphe, 1993; Walker, 1979). The question of consent places the survivor's word
against the assailant's and is a source of cultural tension. In order to avoid this
tension, American culture has deveIOped a victim blaming response.

Victim blaming is serves to "maintain the status quo and prevent the kind of
open dialogue necessary to eliminate" sexual assault by keeping "the victim [survivor]
in a clearly prescribed role bounded by the stereotypical myths" (Walker, 1979:14;

Margolis, 1982). By attributing the cause of sexual assault to the survivor, cultural

15

members are able to avoid the tension created by the failure of the cultural code and

can dismiss the survivor as personally lacking in some way.

Conclusion

In this thesis, the themes of universal, cultural, and idiosyncratic reactions to
sexual assault by the survivors and other cultural members in modern American
culture will be traced. Section II explores the responses to sexual assault on a micro
level. The survivors discuss their personal experiences of sexual assault, their
reactions, the reactions of those individuals close to them, and the influences on their
emotional expressions. Section III presents the survivors views of macro level
reSponses to sexual assault. The survivors present their interpretations of cultural
influences on the reactions of survivors and other cultural members. Throughout these
sections, the universal, cultural, and idiosyncratic themes will aid the discussion in
Chapter 10 - Summary and Conclusions by distinguishing what reactions are

culturally influenced.

CHAPTER 3

METHODOLOGY

The idea for this thesis was conceived while I was working as a sexual assault
counselor. I began to notice emotional (i.e. shock, anger, denial) and physical (i.e.

clothing, mannerisms) similarities among the women I counseled and wondered why

these similarities existed.

B l' . 51: I
I began my research into this area of study by conducting a pilot project during
which I interviewed a total of thirteen individuals. These individuals were either rape
survivors or significant others (family members or friends) of one or more rape
survivors. I elicited narratives from these individuals through the use of open-ended
questions that allowed each person to Speak freely and construct the experience in
their own words. In these interviews, we discussed the survivors' responses to the
sexual assault through the survivors' changes in body rituals and interactions with
others.
I found the main theme of these narratives focused on changes in the body
rituals (i.e. clothing, behaviors, substance abuse, bathing, make—up, and jewelry) of the

survivors. In contemporary America, men and women use their bodies to express

16

17

themselves, their self images, and their feelings (Goffman, 1959). "Body language" is
a popularly used term that refers to a physical, non—spoken form of communication
between individuals. This form of symbolic communication is based on visual cues
sent by one person and received and interpreted by another. These visual cues can
take form in physical gestures (mannerisms, posture, gait) or in physical appearance
(clothing, hairstyle, weight) and are reflections of an individual's self image, feelings,
and attitudes. Based on the findings of this pilot project, I proposed a more extensive
study focusing directly on the narratives of sexual assault survivors in order to avoid
Speculation and misinterpretation on the part of those receiving the messages, and to

determine what these messages are, and how and why these messages are being sent.

W

I originally preposed that rape would create a distinct and sudden alteration in

the body rituals of the survivor and that I could find themes of anger, guilt, shame,
and attempts to counteract a perceived helplessness. As time passed, the changes in
body ritual would be further modified through each participant's individual experiences
of integrating the attack into her life, for example counseling, finding that they are part
of a larger community of women, or being able to discuss the attack with friends
and/or family. As the survivors' views of the attack and of themselves changed over
time, I hypothesized their body rituals would continue to change in order to fit with
their self-images and feelings. Additionally, the individual's ethnic/cultural
background would serve as the survivor's basis for her construction and reaction to her

experience.

18
W
I planned to conduct and transcribe audio taped narrative interviews with

female rape survivors in a private setting chosen by the participant (the woman's home
or a secluded study room on campus). These interviews were to have no formal
structure or questions, allowing the participant to relate her experiences with little or
no interference in this process. This would allow the participant and me to deveIOp a
joint—investigation endeavor, pursuing those topics that the sexual assault survivor
deemed important (Hyden, 1994). To a large degree, I could avoid forcing these
women into a preconceived model by conducting my research in this manner. I
planned to utilize an outline of questions (Appendix A) to guide my own inquiries if
we found ourselves lacking discussion topics or wandering from the research topic.
This in not to imply that any or all of the questions listed in the outline would be
asked of each woman or that the questions would be asked verbatim.

Each participant would be interviewed approximately three times in order to
gather data. During the first interview, I planned to screen the women in order to
assess their individual abilities to recall the rape and pre— and post-rape events, as
well as their comfort level and willingness to talk with me. It was my intention
through this interview to create a relatively relaxed atmosphere and build trust by
allowing each woman to express her concerns about participating in the study. In the
second interview, I planned to ask questions and elicit narratives that would allow me
to compare each individual's body rituals before and after the rape. I planned to

examine such areas as food consumption patterns, bathing, posture and demeanor,

lifestyles, attire, make-up and hair styles, sleep patterns, and high-risk behaviors such

19

as substance abuse. In the third interview, I planned to examine the changes in body
rituals each woman had indicated in the previous interviews. I planned to elicit from
each woman an explanation of how she responded, what message or messages she was
attempting to send, and why she was sending that particular message in that form. By
dividing the interviews into three parts, trust could be established and biases in their
stories would be minimized. Additionally, continuity in the individual narratives could
be established while possible discrepancies could be clarified. Based on necessity and
circumstances, I planned to conduct greater or fewer interviews with particular

participants.

Sample

I planned to recruit women through posted advertisements and through
discussing my thesis topic with individuals who had an interest in this area. Only
those individuals who contacted me directly, not through a second party (i.e. a
counselor, friend), were accepted. I chose this form of direct recruitment to avoid any
infringement on the prospective participant's privacy.

I placed two requirements on the participants. First, all participants were to be
18 years of age or older. Second, all participants' rapes were to have occurred
between one to eight years prior to the interview. I originally placed the time
limitation on my study group to maintain a perspective on body rituals before and

after the attack. Based on my clinical experience counseling sexual assault survivors,
I theorized that if the rape had occurred within the past year, the survivor may have

too many defenses in place and may be too sensitive to issues surrounding rape to be

20

able to discuss her own feelings and responses. Furthermore, she may not have been
able to recognize changes in her own body ritual. If the rape occurred more than eight
years ago, I was concerned the survivor may have forgotten details and information

surrounding her feelings and reSponses to the rape.

M [E :. H' .: 2.

Unfortunately, the reality of the field did not allow me to adhere to my original
plan. The first barrier I encountered was the time of year my research began. My
research was conducted in a mid—sized university community during summer break
when the town contained a limited population. The women were recruited through
direct conversations with rape survivors and significant others, as well as through
posted advertisements. A total of six participants were recruited and interviewed.

The next barrier I confronted was the decision to include incest in my study.
Incest was present in the history of two of the rape survivors. Upon this discovery, I
considered drOpping them from my study, however after further investigation, I found
that these events had not significantly altered the women's reactions to their later
rapes. At that point, I decided to include incest/ritual abuse survivor who had
contacted me.

Two women who contacted me fell outside the eight year limit of my study,
but wished to be included. Due to circumstances surrounding their sexual assaults,
they had suppressed the memories of their experiences until recently. For these
women, the memories and associated responses to their assaults had occurred within

the eight year time limit and they were therefore included.

21

My plan to allow the women in my study to discuss their experiences with
little or no interference allowed for the women to develop narrative monologues. In
these narrative monologues, the women dominated the discussion with only occasional
questions regarding clarity interjected by myself. In three cases I was unable to
complete the third interview. T‘wo participants moved out-of—state before the third
interview. In both of these cases, I condensed the interview series into two interviews.
In the third case, scheduling conflicts prevented completion of the interview series.

Although the original focus of my research was to be in the area of body ritual,
I found that the material yielded by the narratives developed into an exploration of a
failure in the cultural code of emotional expression that I will present in this thesis.
During the course of the research I continued to identify additional t0pics of research.
Some of these t0pics l incorporated into later interviews, while others remained
unresolved. These unanswered research areas will be discussed later (Chapter 10 —

Summary and Conclusions) as fertile ground for future research.

SECTION II

CHAPTER 4

THE NARRATIVE OF SEXUAL ASSAULT

I have constructed this section to present the women in the study as
individuals. I provide a brief demographic description of each individual, after which
each woman tells her own sexual assault narrative in her own words. I have
interjected comments into the narratives to provide the reader with a fuller picture of

the emotional expressions of each woman during her narrative.

Carol is a twenty—two year old, single, caucasian woman who was raised in
the Detroit Metropolitan area. She works for a mental health agency and is striving
to earn her bachelor's degree. She states that she does not ”follow any stated
religion. "

It was a very controlling relationship, very, he had me under his thumb I
thought I was so lucky to being able to date this senior when I was in high school and
only a freshman. It was this big status thing, that and he was really popular. During
the time I was still dating him, I wasn't really allowed to have friends.

Ion was really bizarre too. I mean he always knew just the right things to
upset me. He knew just how to laugh at me to make me feel really bad about that.

He just knew how to push all my buttons really, really, really, bad... and he'd do other

22

23

things that like... seemed to make me stay with him. And I can look at it now and see
that that's a lot of stuff that-that peOple who are in abusive relationships, like
physically abusive, like wife beaters they get that from their husbands trying to
apologize and say it'll never happen again and that's what he was doing I didn't know

it then.

How did he control you, and what was acceptable to him?

Basically, through using a lot of insults, verbal insults. I can't really say much
in the way of physical control, besides the actual rape. But I think that was more
mental than... I mean, it wasn't like he beat me or anything, so it wasn't really... you
know what I mean. He'd insult me a lot, writing me letters, playing mind games with
me.

Always using examples, like saying that he'd gone and talked to Sister Teresa
about, and she was the one in charge of dress code, about what was appropriate for
women to wear, and they totally agreed on it all. He listed out all the things that they
talked about and then complained when I didn't wear them. "You're going to get in
trouble for dress code violation." "You don't look right in that." Or the big one, of
course, "You look fat in that." "You look like a slut with that much make-up on and

I don't want to be dating a slut."
With my friends, he did a lot of insulting. Like whenever I'd go out and hang
around with her, he would read me the riot act on it. "Don't you want to spend time
with me?" He'd do stuff like that to try to get a rise out of me. Find the things that

would matter to me most and put them down.

24
I was 14...I had been dating an 18 year old for about 3 months. Um,... he had

been pressuring me to have sex. He was very control oriented type of guy, um, going
to decide who my friends were, what to wear, whether or not I wore make up....
Um... we'd gotten into an argument at a roller rink. I'd rollerskated around the rink
with some other guy, not even holding hands or anything, really, talking about other

women on the roller rink, and (she chuckled painfully) ah, um... he's like, "Come on,

we're leaving. "

And so I'm like, "OK." Um, and we left. Um... we'd gone parking behind a
different high school... and... it started off just like a normal making out sort of thing
and I didn't realize that he had more plans for it... and then he decided that we were
having sex... and... that's (shrugged and laughed) that's basically it.

(long pause) I bled a lot! (pause) In case you didn't get that impression... I
bled a lot! (she coughs) Bled on his homework after he rapes me. Another thing too,
I can't even say it was violent, or I had any bruises or that I even said, "No," but... all

I did was lay there and cry... I can remember asking, "What are you doing?" and (she

scoffs) never answered me.

Jean is a twenty—two year old, single, caucasian woman who was raised in a
small town in western New York state. She works for a sexual assault program and

holds a bachelor's degree. She states that she is an atheist.

When I met Jon, he would just accept whatever I'd said. And he was very
emotional, he was a very emotional person. He would be very, ahrn... very open with

his feelings. He cried a couple of times and that just blew me away that men could

 

25

do something like that. I was like, "Wow! Ohmygod! He must really love me!"
(she laughs a little) So I trusted him a lot and would let him do just about anything
he wanted even though he did this whole emotional trip, push-pull push-pull. He
would just (voice cracks slightly, she sighs) very manipulative.

He's so good (she exhaled laughing bitterly) and I was just looking for a case,
somebody to take care of. And, um... so we fell kind of into each other.... Um, he
would call me, when he, felt like he wanted to do drugs and I would talk him out of
it. And I felt... useful, and... like he depended on me. And there, yeah there were
inconsistencies and stuff, but, y'know I just never really thought about it.... (she
sighed)

Like the fact that he was emotionally abusive (she laughed uncomfortably).
"Hi—i, I would really like for you to go away" and that kind of stuff, but that didn't
really occur to me that that was a... problem I just thought that he was really, kind of,
strange, and attributed to the drugs, the fact that he was in a new school.

‘K, it was a Wednesday. Um, I was a junior in high school, which puts me
about... sixteen... Um, a couple weeks... a couple three weeks before my seventeenth
birthday. And I was a runner, I was in cross country, and part of that entails swim
work outs. And... Jon, my assailant, was part of the... cross country team. And um...
he use to drive me home. And in the course of driving home we would stop off at,
ah... corn field, and, make out in his truck. And that was fine that part was just fine
with me. And we used to do it a lot, and I learned a lot from him about, how-what I
liked and what I didn't like. Um, but I also made it perfectly clear, from day one that,

I wanted to have sex when I got married, and that was it. Told him on several

26

occasions that I did not want to have sex... until I was married, and... he... said that
was fine, that was fine. And he's always useta say, "Let's try this, and let's try this,
and let's try this..." just different things, touching and kissing. And... it was all very
new for me, so it was very exciting.

And, on this particular day... we, were pretty much naked, I think I had my,
my panties on, that was it. (her voice dr0ps notably in this last section) And, he
wanted to, quote, try something new, and told me to close my eyes, and of course I
would never do that, so.... I think he wanted me to perform oral sex on him. And I
said, "No—no, no-no, I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this!" And he said,
"OK, that's fine." And... that's always left a... very bad impression of oral sex on me.
I just, ah, something that had to be snuck up on I guess.

So... he was touching me and... what he did was... take his... penis out, and,
start (this section was very stilted) rubbing it against my genitalia and I said, "Whoa,
what are you doing?" and he said, "Now doesn't this feel good? Doesn't this feel
good?" And I said, "Idon'tnolwellum." I don't think I said anything (she exhales a
short laugh). I was, just, too busy trying to figure out what was happening.

And um... the next thing I felt was pain! And, I, realized that he had
penetrated. And I... backed up, in the seat... to a sitting position so I went from a
horizontal position to a sitting position rather quickly and at the same time said, "J on,
you don't have to take care of a kid for eighteen years in college." And that stopped
him, he, didn't go any further... but I felt like shit! I didn't understand really what
had happened, and it took me a couple a weeks to exactly piece together exactly what

had happened. He said. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I love you." And I said, "0k."

27

And ah... we got dressed and he drove me home. And... we... went down the
road and st0pped at the stOp sign and I... I (her voice cracks slightly) remember
feeling very awkward... and, very, cheap, and, he drove me home. And... um, I didn't
look at my parents (she exhales a bitter laugh). I wouldn't look ‘em in the eyes. I
just... went up to my room, but I was a moody kid so, I don't think they noticed

anything was different. And um... that was pretty much the rape.

Lisa is a twenty year old, single, caucasian woman who was raised near
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. She had just received her bachelor's degree and would be
starting a job as a documentary production assistant. She states that she is a non-
practicing Catholic.

I came to college. I've said this so many times it's gonna, at first sound very...
like I'm reading it out of a book.

I came to college, my freshman year I played soccer. And, I was up for pre—
season. So, it was, um... there was this guy who was like, not the captain, but,
everyone knew who he was. He was really well liked. The coaches really reSpected
him, he was like a male role model. He usedta come down the halls, and like talk ta
us little freshmen who didn't know anything, school hadn't started. And I was just...
clueless about... anything.

It was my birthday, my eighteenth birthday... and we were at a soccer party.
And he... he was really nice. Like I was drinking, wasn't drunk, he wasn't drunk. So,
like, alcohol was involved, but... it wasn't. Y'know, it wasn't like alotta people say,

"Oh, you guys were both really drunk," or anything. And, um, the party was like

28
breaking up really early, and like I said, it was my birthday. And, I didn't have very

many friends... so there was... I came from far away, so I didn't know that many
peeple. And he was just, and he asked me to go back to his house, and watch...
movies or TV or something, and thought nothing of it.

I had a really serious boyfriend. Everyone knew that. I talked to him every
night.... There's a common phone, so every night I'd be on the phone, I thought it was
completely harmless.

And went back, and like... he took my bike downstairs, in the basement. So,
we were upstairs, we were in this house alone and he started to kiss me. And I was
just, I kinda pushed him away, and was just like, "Oh no, no...." And, but I never
said, "No." And that's probably one of my biggest regrets. I never said, "No" like,
verbally. It was like this big wall, that if I said, "No," that meant that it was rape.
And, even now, like, I'll like, have dreams about saying the word no. And I have a
really hard time saying no, I think, because of that. ‘Cause that's... that was really
weird, like in my mind it-that wasn't what was happening, as long as I didn't say,
"No."

And, um... so he grabbed my hand (she grabs her own hand) and took me
downstairs. I thought to get my bike, I go home, and his room was down there... So,
we go down there, and um... he was just, like-like what happened, I was just—I didn't
know what to do. And we were—we were on his bed, and he was like taking my
clothes off, and like ("I was" understood) trying to pull ‘em back on as he did this
(she moved her arms demonstrating). And I was just like "I don't feel comfortable, I

don't want to do this." I was saying so many other things, and he just like, kept like...

 

29

taking... my pants off. And he was, like, holding me down, like with a little bit of
pressure. And, um, I was just like, no-y'know—not I didn't say, "No," I just was like,
y'know... squirming, and I was... r-really uncomfortable.

So, then I thought to myself, "Ok, y'know, if I like, give him a blow—job, he'll
go away. He'll leave me alone, that'll be it, I can go home," which was really dumb.
Now I think that's like, the dumbest thing I did. But then he got up and he left the
room. And, um... so I get my clothes back on, and I started to walk towards the door,
and he's like, "Where are you going?" An-And he put, and we went like, back on the
bed, and, um... then he was like holding me down and he was taking my pants off
again. And I was like, he's like "Why did you put your pants back on?"

And at that point in time I said, "Because, I don't want to do this."

And, um... he was just like, "Sure you do. Y'know, it's your birthday! You've
gotta celebrate your birthday!"

And he was like taking my pants off, and I'm like, y'know, "I—I don't feel
comfortable, I-I, y‘know, I don't want to do this..." I said like so many things. And
then, um... next thing I know, he-he was like on top of me. And then, he took, and
then he took me, and he like... Spun me around (she make a twisting motion with her
body) so like, I was on t0p of him. And then at that point, I kinda got off of him.
And, um... I wah-and it didn't last very long at all, but... like... he was like through I
guess, y'know, whatever happened, he... was... done.

I had no clue where I was. I was like in the middle of town somewhere, had

no clue. And I just laid there, in his bed and just like shook. (she shakes) And I

remember this song, it was playing on the radio, it was, um, "Losing My Religion" by

30
REM. (she exhales a bitter laugh). And, like, every time I hear that song, it just

plays over and over and over....

And I laid there, all night...didn't do anything. And in the morning he was
like, he had to get up early for work, and he was just like, "Do you want to stay here
sleeping, or..." he's like, "and I'll drive you home when I get off work."

Like, "No, I please tell me how to go home." And he told me how to get

home and I just walked home.

Isabella is a thirty-two year old, single, Cuban -American woman who was
born in Florida, and raised in a larger town in Michigan. She is a full ~time student
who is working on her bachelor’s degree. She states that she does not follow a
religion, but considers herself to be spiritual. In addition to her rape experience,
Isabella is also an incest survivor.

Well, the thing is, this incident that happened to me, I did not even realize it
was rape until probably, I would say about three or four years later that I realized that
it was even rape. Because it was somebody that I knew. I didn't know him very well.
I was about, how old was I, twenty-four. And it was a period in my time when I
doing a lot of fast living. And I met this guy, his name was Jeff, he was older than
me. I think he was like twenty years older than me, so he was like forty—two, forty—
four years old, or something like that. And we were both very attracted to each other
and we met several times at a bar, and he got my phone number and he called me up.

We met at another bar one night and we started drinking at the bar. And we

got over to his place, and I knew what I wanted. I wanted to be physical with him in

 

31

the sense that I just wanted to probably kiss, hold each other, maybe do a few things.
But what I didn't want to do was have intercourse with him, and I told him that.

We had started drinking and the drinking, I don't know, I think we had like a
bottle of wine together. And I told him, I said... well anyway. What happened was,
he took me to... we met at the bar but then we decided to go in his car. So what had
happened is I was kind of left helpless. I couldn't just get in my car and go home, but
after drinking as much as I did, I don't think I was in the position to even go home
either way.

So he said, "You could stay overnight here with me." I said, "Fine." So we
got in bed together, and... oh, its hard to say how to say it without sounding really
bad. I had my dress on, but I didn't have any underwear on, because that's what stuff
we were doing some things, but we weren't having intercourse. I just said, "I don't
want to do this. Okay, just please, respect that part of what I don't want." He said,
"That's fine, that's all right." And I fell asleep in the bed on my stomach... and it was
a more of a deeper sleep than what I'm used to because I'd already been drinking.

And it's like the middle of the night I felt him on top of me. But I was sort of
like half asleep and so I was just like letting him get on t0p of me. I thought, "What
are you doing?" He says, "Shh, just be quiet, just be still." And he opened my legs
from the back. And I said. "Don't, please. I don't want this." And he says, "Shh, be
quiet, you're going to enjoy it." So he Opened me up wider and he entered... he went
inside me. And I couldn't really fight because I was also drunk, but I was really

sleepy, and part of me realized this is not rape. And he did it and then he just got off

 

32

of me. And after that, it was like he didn't want anything else to do with me and he
just let me go to sleep.

The next day I woke up and he says, "Well, I got to take you home now."
And he didn't even want to get close to me or anything like that. And I went home,

and I didn't really think too much about it.

Charlotte Ferguson is a forty-nine year old, divorced, Orthodox Jew who was
raised in New Jersey. She is a full-time student who is working on her bachelors
degree. In addition to her rape experience, Charlotte is also an incest survivor.

My rape took place when I was 29, and I had husband who came back from
Vietnam who was suffering from post—Vietnam Stress Syndrome, except they didn't a
name for that. And if I worked, and I got a good job and I got promoted, then he
wanted me to stay home. If I stayed home, he wanted me to go out to work. I never
knew where the line was.

I had, at the time, three young children. The twins were two, and Joey was
five. I was working at night in a new mall in a well-known department store, a little
bit higher than K-Mart, and I had been promoted to manager for the night, the ladies
wear. The mall was, the lights weren't completely all in the mall yet, and the mall
was set up that like it was very hard to see. And it was very beautiful architecturally,
it had like ridges and indentations.

And that night was pay day, and being the manager I had to reconcile the cash

register which made me late. And before everybody left, the manager said,

33

"Remember," and they had speed bumps too, "in the front of the mall there are no
lights. Please go the speed limit, slowly. Be careful."

And I was going over very slowly and I just saw something and heard this big
ka—thud. What I saw was, I thought, a body. And so I go, "My God, I've hit
somebody." I turned around and all the lights to the store were off, so there was no
time to go back to get... well, you can't leave the scene of a crime anyway.

So, I... that was my big mistake. My rapist was very smart, because when I
went to the front of the car, I was driving a station wagon, his head and stuff, like he
was laying with his head and hands like underneath so I could just see the rest of him.
And I thought, "Oh my God! I've hit somebody!"

And there was one light on and I figured I'd go back, and I turned around and
that was my big mistake... turning around. At that time he grabbed me. He put a
long, it was a long bowie knife, serrated edge, to my throat. And I said to him, "It's
pay day. You can take my money, you can take the credit cards. Just leave me
alone." But that's not what he wanted. And he told me in not so many words what he
did want, and he pushed me into the car.

About four months before that, the city police came to speak to the Officer's
Wives Club. And the policewoman said, "If he has any weapon of any sort, don't
fight." But they said even after the act of penetration, if there's one Split second, if
you can keep yourself calm enough, that you could find.

I was wearing a pant suit. I had my period, and I thought maybe by telling
him that it would turn him off, but it didn't. He just pulled out the tampax and

proceeded to rape me at knife point. And I started to cry and I said, "I‘m going to

 

34

start to scream...," and I'm not a screamer. And he took the knife and he shoved it up
my vagina and said, "If you scream, you're going to get a free hysterectomy, but
you're not going to live to tell about it." And so, he raped me.

And I remember somehow disengaging... I was up there and watching all this
happening, and I remember the policewoman's words, "one split second." I also
prayed because I said, "Dear God, I have three little children at home and a husband.
I don't want to die."

At one point he moved. He was wearing a ski mask, I remember. I remember
he was wearing a ski mask and surgeon's glove. And he moved and I took my foot
and I pushed in the cigarette lighter in the car. And he moved again and I quickly
moved and I took that cigarette lighter and I bumed his balls, in plain English, and I
kept burning him and I started kicking him. I had one boot on and I kicked him, and
I kicked him, and I kicked him, and I kicked him until I kicked him out of my car and
locked the doors.

And then realized when he came and got in that he threw away the keys. And
my big fear was that if he ever came after now he would kill me. But I found them.
He put them in the ashtray, which was a stupid place for him to put them because I
looked. And I remember backing up that car... and he did come toward me again, and
he was really, swearing and he said he was going to kill me. I backed up that car and
I went flying out of that parking lot. I hit speed bumps, I don't know how I managed.
And where that whole section was, since the mall was open, it used to be a Speed trap,

there's a statement, "There's never a c0p when you need one." I brought that wagon

35

up to 95 miles an hour. I wanted someone to st0p me, at least to report it, and

nobody did.

Alice is a forty -—five year old, divorced, caucasian woman who was raised in
the Detroit Metropolitan area. She is currently unemployed and hopes to work in the
”helping profession. ” She holds a master ’5' degree and does volunteer work. She
states she was raised as a Lutheran, and still follows this religion to some degree.
Alice is legally blind.

Okay. I am an incest survivor. I have multiple rape experiences ranging from
infancy through 19 years of age. My first memories were of my father being sexually
abusive, rape, and some violence. Although the flashbacks did come to me initially,
but I began to uncover that my father was not the sole perpetrator. That a minister
posing as a christian minister, he may or may not have had credentials, was involved
in a group of people who were assaulting me, both in terms of sexual assault,
kidnapping, violence and other crimes of mind control techniques. This was a group
of people that my father was associated with, and later I discovered that this has gone
on in my family for generations. That my father's whole Side of the family were
involved in this group, and so it was grandparents, my paternal grandparents, any of
the aunts and uncles on that side of the family.

From what I understand, they were all involved in the same cult. There were
different aspects of abuse for me. There was the particular church that was, I don't
know if they were like the head of it, or if they were, or if my family members were.

I'm not to sure of the component, of how the component of the whole group, but they

36

were all in one group. Yeah, they all belonged to the same group, and some of the
abuse took place in the homes of my relatives. Some of it involved my relatives
being at the church where... I think sometimes they would be involved in transporting
me or kidnapping me and taking me to places for ceremonies and rituals and things.
(she states that She has a poor sense of direction) I got lost, or couldn't keep
my mind... would forget where I was, or something like that. Because I think a lot of
times when I was... my abuse involved a lot of times people picking me up at bus
steps, or pe0ple following me around in cars. And I think that I also had times where
they used, was a combination of chemical mace and chloroform that they used to
come up and they'd give me a whiff of that and then take me away somewhere. So, I

think this is somehow related to my abuse.

Summary

These narratives provide a description of the events surrounding each woman's
sexual assault. Based on these narratives, idiosyncratic, cultural, and universal themes
begin to emerge.

Idiosyncratically, each woman describes her distinct and unique sexual assault
experience. Although there are similarities (i.e. assailants are sometimes
acquaintances, intercourse was involved, sexual abuse involved), no two narratives are
identical.

The theme of culture begins to develop in two manners. First, during the first
interview with each woman, I asked her to self-identify her ethnicity. I found that it

is important to include the women's ethnicity because it was later referred to

37

repeatedly by the women as influential to their interpretations of their experiences.
Second, themes of retaining virginity (Carol, "he had been pressuring me to have sex"
and Jean, "1 made it perfectly clear... I wanted to have sex when I got married"),
sexuality (Carol, Jean, and Isabella describe being "physical" or "making out" their
assailants), and the definition of the experience (Jean, "I was... trying to figure out
what was happening"; Lisa, "if I said, 'No,' that meant that it was rape"; Isabella, "I
did not even realize it was rape") are found in these narratives.

Universal themes begin to arise based on the types of relationships and the
women's reactions to their experiences. In all of the relationships, the assailant (or
assailants in Alice's case) were controlling the women through physical or emotional
means. In their reactions, the women described reactions (crying, quickly retreating
and feeling awkward, shaking, being unable to fight, Speeding, and becoming

confused) that indicate a degree of trauma and shock.

CHAPTER 5

EXPLICIT COMMUNICATION OF SEXUAL ASSAULT

Language provides a bridge between the words and thoughts of the individual's
and the culture's concept of the world(s) (Rosaldo, 1980). In anthropology, language
is seen as symbolic, while culture acts selectively on what is said, when it is said,
and how it is said..." (Douglas, 19822156). These "differences in speech are not in
any sense accidental but are contingent on a form of social structure," telling the
observer about the underlying concepts and conflicts that motivate behavior and drive
the culture (Douglas, 1982:24).

Explicit communication, when applied to the women involved in my research,
includes the use of verbal and written language. Through their use of language, the
women attempted to communicate their experiences to selected individuals to whom
they attempted to communicate their experiences. This demonstrates the women's
awareness of the cultural perceptions and conflicting messages created by the failure
of the cultural code of emotional expression to mediate their sexual assault experience.
In the process of this communication, the women received differing reactions from

those they told.

38

 

39

W

In the act of telling others about sexual assault, survivors can never be certain
of the reactions they will receive. The "other" can be divided into "professional"
others (medical, legal, and mental health workers) and significant others (friends,
family, individuals seen in a non-professional care receiving manner), and the
assailant. Within these groups, the response to a survivor's experience can vary from
acceptance to rejection. This variety of responses can be attributed to the failure of
the cultural code to provide meaning and understanding of sexual assault for members

of the culture, and can influence a survivor's choice to communicate her experience.

Blufmianalr

Following sexual assault, survivors sometimes seek medical attention to care
for their injuries or to complete a rape kit which can be used as evidence later if the
survivor chooses to seek legal recourse. Of the six women in my research, Charlotte
was the only woman who sought medical attention. She related that the medical staff
handled her with sensitivity. She attribute this to the fact that she knew many of the
staff members she encountered that night.

From a legal standpoint, sexual assault is a crime that is known to be under
reported. The ambiguity left by the failure of the cultural code and the contradictory
messages that have arisen in the code's wake cause some survivors to question whether
they should report their sexual assault and what the reaction they would receive.

Carol: I didn't know I could! [report] I had no idea that date rape
existed.

 

40

Lisa: No, even now I wouldn't [report]... because... there's nothing they
could have done. Like [-1 don't think it was the authorities' fault. I
don't think it's like a court system fault, I think that there's a lot of
faults in the court system, but my word against his. If you put me on
trial, and you put him on trial... you're gonna-you're gonna believe him,
because of the simple reason that you're innocent until proven guilty,
and I couldn't prove it... without a reasonable doubt. I couldn't do it,
there's absolutely no way, there's too many things that happen, I mean
the fact that I never said "No", if someone asked me that, I wouldn't lie.
I'd say, "Yes, I said everything but, but I never said those words." If
they asked me... um, y'know, so you did like do things with him before.
Yeah, I didn't want to, but I did, I didn't even want to kiss him, but I
did. I thought, if I just kiss him, he'll leave me alone. But you can't...
y'know the facts still remain. I don't know the solution to that, at all... I
wish I did, I wish there was solution... I don't know...

Charlotte: The next day I had made an appointment with the county
police, and there was like eight people who just sort of sat there and
looked at me. And I said, "What are you looking at?" I said, "I hope
this isn't going to be a horror story like I've heard about women who go
through rape." And they said, "We're a mini—task force. We're trying
to get this guy. You're the eighth woman in five weeks that he's raped,
and we are watching him escalate his violence. And the last woman is
in the state hOSpital and She's a total vegetable. And we knew that the
next one he'd kill. So we're looking at you because you shouldn't be
alive."

They were very, very helpful. The only part that was very
difficult for me was I had to tell them, sit down and tell them word for
word what he said and use his language. And they also had to take the
knife and they had to measure it with the knife marks that were against
my neck, which really threw me a bit. And they were very gentle about
that. And then we went down to the scene, and there was a big puddle
of blood, but no body. Because I said, "When I pulled out of there, I
hit something. If it was him, I don't know."

They put out alerts to as far up as Buffalo, Albany, Bingharnton,
all over, all hospitals, all doctors. I guess they have their own little
sources of, you know, of snitches, and there was no information that
ever came back.

And I had to sit and I had to look at mug books, and which to
me was a waste of time because I said I don't remember if it was a
yellow ski mask and he had black hair, or black hair with a black ski
mask, and blond hair. I said, "But he had the cruelest eyes I have ever
seen."

They never found him. They worked with me, and I worked
with them for almost five months. The entire state of New York, upper

 

41

New York from Syracuse to Klausburgh, to Albany, to Rochester,
Buffalo, they never found him. The rapes stOpped after me, and I once
said to the police captain, "When I pulled out of there, I did hit
something. Suppose I killed him?" And the captain looked at the two
police women and looked at me and said, "If you did, Mrs. Ferguson,
you did the world a favor. "

Since the increased awareness of women's issues brought about by the women's
movement of the 1960's and 1970's, individuals have specialized in counseling
survivors of sexual assault. Yet, within the mental health profession, survivors will
still receive varying reactions to their experiences.

Lisa: Was just really really hard, and I had a-I went to a counselor,
who... did not help, she was like...like a man hater and I was just
like, I can't go to her anymore.

Isabella: And I didn't really realize this was rape until I mentioned the
incident to my counselor. And she said, "You realize that was rape."
And I said, "No, its not rape." So, and then when she finally mentioned
that it was rape, "This was rape, because you didn't want him to do this.
You made it clear, and yet he did it." I felt, there was like this guilt
was released. I was able to let go of that. I didn't feel guilt over it
anymore. I felt like this was wrongly done to me.

[Regarding an incestuous relationship with her father] And for
years, I think this is probably years later, I would say probably 10 years
later, I was 25 when I started seeing a counselor that I realized that I
was blaming him a lot for what had happened. And I got to the point
where I thought this is my fault. I'm the one who wanted this just as
much as he did. And finally my counselor, Beth, says, "Well, yes, you
wanted it. But, Isabella, what did you really want? You wanted to be
close to him. And you didn't have a father ever, and both of you are
pretty much like retarded when it comes to father and daughter
relationships. You don't know where you draw the line." And she said,
"You need to face this to him. You need to face him with this
situation."

Charlotte: I went up to my doctor, my psychiatrist, because my twins
at the time, from birth to about two had very, very severe medical
problems, and I sort of used him as a sounding board. This is what he
said to me: "We will handle this in two sessions, and that's it." And I
said, "We'll fit that in two sessions?" And he says, "That's it." And
when the second session was over, I said, "But this...". And he said,

 

42

"You do not have the 'luxury' of working this through. Your children's
lives won't allow you." All he did was up my prescription for valium.
And when Sarah, [who] ran the rape crisis group that I went to, heard

that she like, almost hit the ceiling.
[Regarding her incest] And the doctor blamed me. He said,

"When you're 19 years old, and you were in a peignoir set, it's late at
night and you invite your cousin to watch television with you...". I
says, "A cousin has no right to touch anybody." I said, "I don't care if
it was a perfect stranger, he had no right to touch me." And he still
blamed me. He said it was my fault. And that's when I went back,
wound up back in the hOSpital because he insisted it was my fault and I

got very upset.
Sometimes, religious figures are involved in the counseling process.

Charlotte: And I went up to this older Rabbi and I said, "If a woman is

raped, and if she goes through incest, family incest," I said, "does She
have to forgive the parties that did this?" And he looked at me and he

said, "No." And I knew it was okay.
Jean's comment regarding her own reaction to her sexual assault may reflect why

survivors do not access public care providers.

I never went to the hospital... and I never went to the police. I never
went to counseling. I don't think counseling would have done me much
good. I would have just lied to the therapist. Can't give the [others]
control. [Instead, Jean began] writing all the... letters to him. So, self-

therapy kinds of things, just... getting it out.

3' .2 25

The varied responses of others to survivors is not limited to professionals, but
can also be found among those individuals the survivor knows. More often, the
reactions of the significant others tend to be more negative toward the survivor. This
may be due to 1) the inability of the significant other to negotiate the failure of the
cultural code and follow cultural victim blaming, or 2) the inability of the others to

accept the implications of the roles of survivor and assailant (for greater detail, see

 

 

43

Chapter 9 - Victim Blaming and the Reconstruction of the Cultural Code of
Emotional Expression). These themes can be seen in the women's narratives.

Carol: He [her assailant] made sure everybody else knew about it and
he'd bring me flowers in school and he'd always try to be at my locker
whenever he could and so it was like alotta pressure from the outside
and "Why on earth would you wanna get rid of him?" I didn't know
how to tell anybody what he was doing to me... it's like I had no words
to describe it.

I told my best friend that I had had sex... It wasn't ‘till about two
years later that I told another friend, that I thought I'd been raped.
Um... the way I worded it to a couple peOple in between if they asked
me if I was a virgin or not was, no, I wasn't a virgin, but I didn't really
have a choice in the matter. But I don't think I realized that at that
point that I could label it rape. I didn't know what rape was.

Well, one friend when I told her I'd had sex, she was all excited
for me. So I'd pretended afterwards still to be excited about the idea...
um, the other person I told, I was staying the night at her house and she
basically just told me to be quiet and she didn't want her parents to
hear. I thought she was right in telling me to shut up at the time, so it
really didn't change much. I think she was kinda scared of me after
that... but it was a point when she was considering having sex with her
boyfriend... and she wanted to talk about sex being good not bad, so
(pause and Shrug) I don't know. Because of the context I told her, it
made it [sex] sound way too scary for her. I don't think our friendship
was that deep anyway. It just was uncomfortable for her, I think. Or
maybe I was scared of her after because she knew and She could tell
people. And that could have been it, too.

Carol related that she also told other sexual assault survivors several years later, and
found it "normalizing" to know that "it's not just me anymore."

Jean: I never told my parents, and I never told anyone in my family...
and I think... that was in November, so it wasn't until... March, that I
even told anybody, that it happened. And when I did, it was sort of
tentative, ta' just check things out, and see if... other peOple thought it
was, rape, too, ‘cause I didn't want to run around calling this rape,
unless I knew... what to call it. And I got mixed, responses, from
pe0ple... um, mostly as a hypothetical question, if I asked a hypothetical
question I got mixed responses, and if I came out and said this
happened to me, then people said, "Oh well... you were raped." Which
was good but it still took me a few years to actually be able to just say
it and... say... to hell with you if you don't believe me...

44

Um, after it happened... after May, he graduated, from high
school, and... I didn't tell my family. I, don't, want, to hurt them. I told
my cousin... and, Ann, and, I told, my best friend Kim, and... I told, ah,
some people on the track team that I was friends with, close friends
with at the time... and, ah, I... told, my, first serious boyfriend... who I
met... I told him about what happened... and, cried about it for the first
time, when I told him... and, he, cried... and he was very
understanding... so, I told him...

Lisa: And like, the worst part was when I went back [to her
dormitory], I told everyone what happened and no one believed me.
And, um, I couldn't tell my parents... I wouldn't have been able to go to
school. I couldn't tell anyone, he was like... the love of like... the
soccer team. The [soccer] coach knew, the coach found out, treated me
different. Well, he didn't find out my story, but he found out, like, that
guy's story and he was really good friends with the coach.

And, ah...my mom still doesn't know. [She] told me that if I got
raped that would- that's her biggest fear in the world. And, me
knowing that, I knew that if I told her at the time, she wouldn't be able
to help me, I'd have to help, take care of her, because she'd be so
freaked out by it, and um, she told-she—‘cause— she told me that she
used to lie awa—awake at night just thinking about what would happen
if I was like, y'know acquaintance raped. What would she do? What
would she do? So, I don't know. Even now I don't think I could tell
her, because... I don't think there's any reason that she needs to know,
‘cause I think that it would just bother her so much.

And I told, my dad knew, like... I left enough hints that he
picked up on it. My mom didn't want to. And he, like, so he knew.
And they both read that [an article Lisa wrote]. And I told them that I
wrote it for someone else, ‘cause what happened, when it finally came
out, it's because it happened to one of my friends.

I told my brother. He was mad, he wanted to kill him. Really
hurt. Really upset. Um, my brother's not an emotional person... he's
really kinda stoic, but, y'know, he cried and cried and cried and cried
and he was just like, "I wanna kill him." Glad I told him. We don't
talk too much about it though. It's kinda hard. (pause)

I remember, two of my friends from home and my brother came
up, and I took ‘em to this party. I knew they weren't gonna have fun.
They were sitting there and they were watching me, we ended up all
getting into this fight, and they all sat there, and they were all like,
"Who are you?" And I started crying and crying crying, that's when I
told them all that my brother already knew, but that's when I told them
all that I'd been raped and they just sat there... They were like, "No
more questions. We know why you are who you are now." It was
really sad. That was a turning around point. When I had like, two of

45

my best friends from before this had happened and my brother sitting
there going, "Who are you?" And me relating it to the rape.

Isabella: [Isabella lied to her mother about her rape] I didn't want her
to know, because she would have made it bigger, at that time, a bigger
deal than what it actually what it was. I think she would have blamed
me for it, and the one thing I didn't want to deal with more, was to
have her blame me more for it.

And then after that happened, I was able to tell a few people, but
it wasn't anything that I needed to tell everyone. I didn't see the reason
to tell that very many pe0ple, and I didn't even tell some men that I had
relationships with. I saw no purpose in letting them know. I think its
because I felt bad about it. It bothered me more. It disturbed me.

[Now] I'm not afraid to tell peOple about it [her rape]. If I've
spoken to someone, especially my father, to even the incident with my
father, I can tell close people now. Of course, not another man. I
couldn't say that to another man, but my girlfriends, I can do it.

Charlotte: I didn't tell my husband. I just told him I didn't feel well, I
had a headache, and blah, blah, blah. And finally, he was sitting with
this doctor, who is our friend, and he said, "I don't know what's going
on with my wife." And he sitting and talking with him I guess what
men talk about. And he said, "Well, Henry. What do you expect from
her after what happened?" He says, "What happened?" He said, "She
never told you?" And he says, "No." So he told him. My husband
came home like a roaring bull, and that was six weeks later. Because I
was just too afraid.

[Later] My doctor did say to me, "Look at the time period of the
rape and you told your husband, and look at the time period of your
divorce." It was exactly six months.

I told my children, which peOple thought that was very wrong
for me because my children were 16 at the time. My twins were 16
and my oldest was 19... and they were very understanding. I was really
surprised. They were very understanding. Their step-mother was very
angry at me for telling them, and I said, "Excuse me, you're not their
mother, I am, and I have a right to tell them, and I wish to tell them."
The boys, I noticed [during] the time [that] year when they came to
visit me, were like, whenever we were walking were like,... very
protective of me.

I finally told my best friend... I said to her, "You're my best
friend, and I have to tell you something, but I hope you won't turn away
if I do." And I told her that I was raped, and she just put her arms
around and began to cry, for me. I remember my Rabbi coming to visit
me, and he's a young man, and I said to him, "What nice . . . man
would want to marry me now." He says, "Oh, about a million or so."

46

He says, "The rape was not your fault." He says, "Its something you
didn't ask for, it was just an attack against you."

[Charlotte told of several friends she told who were all
supportive of her.] The more you talk about it, the more you find
women who have been raped. Some went for help, and the majority did

- not. Some of them were able to get through it themselves. Some
women still live this. And someone once told me I would get to the
point where I could say it was wrong, he had no right to do that to me,
I almost died. That I was smart enough to think, he didn't kill me and I
got away. And I said, "That day will never come." And that day has
come, a long time ago.

Alice: I told probably a total of about five friends. I told people at
various levels. Some I just gave very general information to, and others
I talked about my specific experiences and feelings. [Reactions were]
Generally, very shocked, grieved for me, supportive, very affirming in
terms of saying they believed me. The friend I have known the longest
cried and feels very upset and sad that I'm having to relive all of this,
and she's very supportive, also. One person I told said he believed me
and was quite supportive for about a year, and then said he talked to
some social worker friend of his and that he doesn't think its real. He
said its not that I believe you or I don't, I just, I'm not sure, or
something. And I was hurt and angry by that and I actually told him
you either believe it or you don't. There's no middle ground. If you're
not sure you believe it, that means you don't believe it.

Alice's mother and sister refused to accept her accounts of events, her step-
father was more accepting and supportive. Alice attributes his differing reaction to

I think because he was not a blood relative and didn't know me
during most of those years, and was not related to me, other than
having married my mother, did not have relation to the people in my
background.

[Alice related that she received a variety of reactions, those
friends she told] For instance, people that had had some background in
dealing with sexual assault, or people that were closer to me personally,
than perhaps some other people. [She did not choose to tell] I had a
couple of friends who were more like my mother's age than I was, and I
thought culturally they would respond more from her point of view,
might be more critical, more judgmental, or less able to handle
boundaries and things. Perhaps less honest about where they were
coming from.

47
Confronting the Assailant

Two of the women I interviewed had the opportunity to confront their
assailants. In Lisa's case, her assailant's reaction and the results were negative.

And I went, to like a frat party, and I yelled at him. I got kinda
drunk, and I was just like, I'm just gonna yell at him and tell him what
he did to me. And I yelled at him in front of like, hundreds of people,
and—and he goes, "Don't you have any self respect?" And then he
turned around, and he goes, "Yeah, just ask her who was on tap." And
for the longest time... that just stuck in my head. I was like, it wasn't
rape, because I was on t0p, even though I wasn't...

With the encouragement of her counselor, Isabella confronted her father regarding
their incestuous relationship. Although her father refused to accept her construction of
events, Isabella was able to communicate to him her interpretation of the event and

end face-to—face contacts with him.

So I brought it up to him just two years ago. He denied the
whole thing. Not that it happened, but denied his intentions. His
intentions were, "Well, when you were a little baby, Isabella, I used to
put you on my chest. You were naked and I put you on t0p of my
chest and you'd go to sleep on my chest." And I go, "Father, that's fine,
but I was only 8—9 months old. You did this to me when I was 17.
You knew that I was a virgin. You asked me. You wanted me to
touch you. How can you even assume that this was just, that that would
have been just a natural thing." I go, "That was sexual, and it was
sexual the whole time." And he wouldn't admit to it. And, I don't see
him anymore. I only speak to him on the phone. I can't see him.

Qt! E E C] . :.
In many cases, the women involved in my study not only told others about

their experiences, but also expressed them in writing, poetry, and painting. This

seemed to be a "safer" environment for their expressions, because they had more

control regarding who shared their eXperiences, while simultaneously expressing

48

themselves in an external manner. This need for controlling the information is
mentioned in Charlotte's and Jean's narratives.

I have included a sample of the women's narratives and writing partially as a
response to their requests and partially to allow the reader to gain deeper insight into
these women and their experiences. When the narrative reflects the women reading
their written expressions, the text is italicized.

Carol: Ok, I guess I'm going to read this then (She sniffs) um, this is a
very strange situation that I never expected to have to deal with,

waiting in a health center for my close friend Julie to see a
gynecologist two weeks after she's been raped brings back too many
memories, none of them good. Jon Klien, how strange I don ’t even
know if that’s how his name is spelled, I don ’t even remember clearly
what happened that night, just the pain the blood and the disgust with
him and myself... ah, rollerskating in Rollerworld, Jon getting mad
when I skated with Seth what’s-his-name, not even holding hands and
discussing girls -other girls on the rink, he said one was about twelve
when I thought she looked older... ah, Jon sitting on the outside of the
rink whining because he wanted to leave... lying on the back area of the
car with the seat down, a big red older car... ah, behind the catholic
school in the darkest area of the parking lot, that the priest made fun of
years later. (she stopped reading) There was like a lecture at my
school... and a catholic priest came in and was making fun of the pe0ple
who made out in that part of the parking lot and how many he'd
caught... (she reads again) um, that the priest made fun of years later,
or was it centuries later? Why couldn’t he have caught us that night?...
ah, Blood on that piece of paper, lotsa it, Jon throwing it outta the car,
crying on the way home when I tried to redo my make-up, um, blood
on my underwear, cream colored stretch old lady underwear... throwing
them out, looking at my parents, second time lying outside Town Park
the rubber breaking and throwing it aside, me crying again as he scares
me about pregnancy at the Dairy Queen... telling me how he '11 marry
me now and take care of the baby... and telling me how much he loves
me... and I feel so bad for Julie and I can 't share her pain. That’s
really all I remember I don ’t want to bring any of it back so I can
empathize with her... It sounds bad I know, but I don 't want to
remember and relive the pain, it scares me... reminds me of how
venerable I was and how much I 've changed, how hardened I've become
against most emotions, makes me question whether or not I can even
feel anything really anymore...

49

Jean: And that's when I really came to terms with what had happened,
was my freshman and sephomore year of c—college, and I wrote a lot
about it and I wrote a couple of letters to saying goodbye to him and
wrote some poetry saying goodbye to him and... did a lot to purge him
out of my life.

[Do you still have what you wrote?] Yes! They're all part of my
journal, and the poetry that I have, um, is all in my poetry thing. I
didn't destroy any of that. That's really... weird, ‘cause usually if I
break up with somebody I destroy everything that they gave me, but
this particular stuff that I wrote, (her voice drOps) has... I can't destroy.

Then I'd take these to, Oh, my god, my friends are so wonderful!
I'd take these little things to my friends and I'd say "Hi. You have to
listen to this." And I'd read them these page and a half of terrible
horrible things that happened to me. And they'd just be like (she sits
with her mouth open and a look of amazement and disbelief on her
face) "Wow. Thanks." (she laughs) They're so wonderful ‘cause, I did
it to like, eight or nine peeple! Who I would just pick a certain person
and I'd say, "Hi. You are my... you're my listener for the moment."
And... the story changed... depending on how-how bad a mood I was in
or, urn, what particular details I was focusing on or—or what angle I
decided to look at the story from. And, ah, I'd just take it to these
peOple and tell ‘em. I tell them, you know, that I was raped, and
that: how I deal with it, just telling my story, I guess. I told my story
a lot.

This is ah... this is from my journal. This is from my journal
and this is written my first semester at college, so, a year and a half
after it happened. And I did go back through my journal to see if I had
written down [information about the rape], and of course, I hadn't. It's
like very cryptic little messages, but nothing that actually indicates
anything. So... this was written September 5, 1990. Ok, do you what,
do you know the book, W? The book about the
woman with multiple personalities. She had like 95 personalities, and it
was a result of incest. It's a very disturbing book. That's what I'd been
reading.

W is the name of the book. It is strange how
much I feel when I read this book. For one thing, I can ’t get enough of
the sexual references. Only recently have I been able to admit this need
to read, see, know, and sometimes even desire to experience what it is
about RAPE that bothers me. See, I even capitalize it in the middle of
a sentence. There is no denying now that I was raped. The one
question that I had remaining was dissolved upon walking into class.
You see, I was always wondering if I didn't somehow deserve what
happened I lay there with him in the truck, I can still see the
dashboard, I remember the moonlight and the way the truck windows
steamed up, and I remember the vinyl seats and the awareness of his

50

body, naked. I remember the feel of his penis moving within the
perimeters of my genital area. I remember how, I remember being
curious, and yet frightened. I remember him pushing, and extreme pain.
I remember wondering how far in he had gotten. I remember him
holding me to him. I remember I had my underwear on the whole time.
I remember looking for blood afterwards, and finding none, and hoping
alternately that I was and wasn ’t pregnant. I remember pretending to
myself nothing bad had happened, and laying in his arms, marveling at
both his and my naked body laying side by side. I remember shame
and feeling dirty and I remember hoping that he would "make it all
better. ” I remember pushing out my nagging suspicions and two weeks
later categorizing my emotions not to feel pain. I remember feeling
violated and devastated. It WAS rape. I did not want to go all the
way. He did so without my permission. I sit here on my bed hoping
Pete will walk in, or Mary, so I can tell someone that I have... so I can
tell someone that I have them, and If" so, I, can tell someone and have
them aflirm my thoughts. Once when I first started my journal, I
wanted it to be published years after I was gone. Now I ’m not so sure,
I just personalized it beyond the scope of my barriers. It is both sad
and strange that Jonathan Alan Smith was the reason for starting this
book, and only now, countless entries later, can I admit on paper and to
myself what it is that he did to me. He stole from me an experience

that I deemed to be the most important in my life (sexual love,
intercourse). With one thrust, he reduced me to a scared and unstable
little girl again, a little girl who desperately needed love and trust. The
ironic thing is that he showed me how to trust again. When I decided
to get intimate, not sexual - as I NEVER had that decision carried out
as I wanted, Jon had opened up my walls and looked inside. He knew
the torment I had felt in grade school. He knew how scared I was. He
knew my vulnerablilties. He showed me that men felt that way also.

He made me believe that men had feelings. I started to trust, I actually
felt safe when I was with him. For the first time since first grade, Jesus
that’s a long time, I actually felt some confidence in my life. I wrote a
lot about my so -soul shattering like glass when I felt him dump me,
right after "the act. " It fragmented into a million mindless pieces...
pieces it has taken a year and a half to heal. No, two years. And more
love and energy than any person should have to give. J.

It is curious that the person that I want to tell most at the
moment is the one I can not tell, actually there are three. I want to tell
Jack, but I can not because he is already hurt, and can probably bear
no more. Although I know he would for me, I don't want to put him
through that. Pete came in, and I went to dinner. I couldn't spoil her
mood by verbalizing the sick feelings that I feel. I also want to tell
Steve. Steve, because I want, I need for him to sympathize with my

51

fears. These are my two closest friends. I do not wish to hurt them as
I was hurt.
(long pause) And I wrote that and then afterwards, after dinner
apparently, I did go find Steve and I told him all about it. Shows my
way of c0ping, that's all.

This is-this is a poem that I wrote... fourth of December 1990,
and it's called, "Farewell." And I'd like to read it for you.

If you hold my hand, how can you hurt me?
If you touch my face and look into my eyes...
If you cause the pain, how come you take none?
If you are responsible, walk away...
If you knew the truth, why did you lie?
If you have been there before to feel the void...
If you care, why did you press?
If you knew I was trusting and unstable...
If you called yourself my friend, then why?
If you searched my soul and saw me unmasked...
If you give yourself does that make it all right?
If you love me...
If you strike, are you aware of where the whip hits?
If you care to know...
If you wanted love, why didn’t you stay?
If you wanted my hurt, you have it...
If you deny responsibility, can you ?
If you play me for a fool...
If I fall to pieces, are you here to pick up the pieces?

No.
But I don ’t want you anyway.

And it's dedicated "To Jon Smith, putting away the pain and betrayal at
last." Poem number one—fifty... got a hundred fifty-six typed.

Lisa: That's when I wrote that [a year and a half after her sexual
assault].

This is an essay for everyone. It is for the man who raped me,
for all of the men capable of rape, for all of the victims and for all
others so that they may understand.

I want him to realize and feel the pain that he caused me. I am
different now, less naive, not as trusting and empty of innocence. I lost
the ability to feel love. He stole that from me.

52

Love is an innocence. It is a blinding passion. He forced me to
open my eyes. Rape is violence, pure and hostile. To me, sex is
synonymous with violence. It cannot be an expression of love.

I feel like I have no control over my life. If I could not stop
him, who can I stop? My life has changed course.

I refer to the person who I was as ”she. ” This is how I deal
with the pain -- I separate it. I created a new identity for myself; now
I want "her" back I am tired of running from her. I do not want to
keep changing: cutting my hair, scarring my body and growing further
from myself

Inside there is a chill. I have distanced myself from the whole
ordeal. The words I choose suggest surrealism. Sometimes I feel like it
never really happened. In a way, this is true. I am writing about a girl
who does not exist. A girl without a heart cannot survive. I have
created a new person. I want her back I need my heart.

The nightmares exist and in them, I remember her. I think that
if I can reclaim her, nothing will be different. This is false. In some
way, her heart has been ruined. It is time to replace mine. The
innocence is gone, but maybe I can get some love back

A person’s ability to love is essential to survive. It is not
something that can be given. Once taken, it can never fully come back
When a rape occurs, a soul has been stolen. Only gods and devils
should have that power.

Lisa submitted this essay to the paper under a false name because She was afraid that
they would publish her name despite her request for anonymity. The paper chose to
withhold Lisa's name per her request.

Charlotte: I did, for my therapist, paint a picture, because I do paint. I
was on the ground in blue, and there was just this big black figure
standing over me holding a knife with blood dripping off of it. And I
had always covered it. I did not know she [the young daughter of a
Rabbi and his family Charlotte was living with] saw it. And she said,
"What was the picture that you painted? What was that about?" I said,
"Oh, it was probably something in like in my monster books. Probably
something that I did." That was the scene that I feel depicting my rape.
I never knew she saw it, though.

53
Summary

In their explicit communication of their experiences of sexual assault, the
women's narratives reflect a variety of reSponses form professionals and significant
others. In the two cases of confronting the assailant, the assailants Openly denied any
inappr0priate behavior on their behalf and rejected the survivor's definition of the
events. Through the use of writing, poetry, and painting, the women in my study were
able to explicitly communicate their experiences with less concern for others' reactions
since they could have greater control over who had access to these works. i

The choice to engage in explicit communication of their sexual assault
experiences is a universal event among the women in my study. Yet, who they
communicated to, how they communicated their experiences, and the reactions of
those receiving the information are culturally influenced. The results of this
communication influenced the women's constructions of their idiosyncratic sexual

assault experiences.

CHAPTER 6

BEING ALONE AND THE INTERNAL EXPERIENCE

Immediately following their assault, the women in my study described
experiencing a period of time that was characterized by solitude seeking and internal
disruption. Without a cultural code of emotional expression to provide understanding
and meaning of the trauma of the assault, the women related they withdrew from
others in an attempt to understand their emotions, reactions, and the events of the
assault. While relating information about their experiences during this stage, the
women expressed universal, cultural, and idiosyncratic themes.

One constant among all humans is the fact that we all experience life through
our bodies. This has caused some physical/biological anthmpologists to describe
culture as "a biological phenomenon, a product of the evolutionary process" (Blacking,
1977 :8). In this manner of thinking, culture can be seen as "... a generalized state of
fellow-feeling that can be perceived through the sensations [of the body]" while "...
nonverbal forms of interaction are fundamental" (Blacking, 1977:13).

Culture and the body interact in that

there is every reason to think that the social determinations attached to a
determinate position in social space tend, through the relationship to
one's own body, to shape the dISpositionS constituting social identity

(ways of walking, speaking, etc.) and probably also sexual dispositions
as well. (Bourdieu, 1990:71)

54

55
Further, it has been asserted that "nothing is more essentially transmitted by a social
process of learning than sexual behavior, and this of course is closely related to
morality", a purely cultural construct (Mauss as quoted in Douglas, 1982:65).

Mary Douglas argues that "... there are no natural symbols; they are all social"
(Douglas, 1982zxix—xx). Symbols are culturally constructed, and therefore the
perception and interpretation of symbols is also culturally determined (Douglas, 1982).
Additionally,

everything is tinged with imposed significance, and fellowmen, like
social groups, moral obligations, political institutions, or ecological
conditions are apprehended only through a screen of significant symbols
which are the vehicles of their objectification, a screen that is therefore
very far from being neutral with respect to their 'real' nature." (Geertz,
1973:367)
Thus, through interaction, that by its very nature involves communication and symbols,
"... the identity of the individual will be refracted to him by the concrete symbols of
his group" (Douglas, 1982:25). In this manner, "rather that creating a problem [of
identity] to be solved by his own unique investigation", culture acts to provide an
external means of attributing one's identity to one's self (Douglas, 1982:25).

While symbols communicate cultural information to the individual, "... the
structure of symbols must be able to express something relevant to the [culture]"
(Douglas, 1982:38). In other words, while the individual interprets cultural symbols,
the participants in the culture must also be able to interpret some of the individual's
symbols. The cultural use, manipulation, and meaning attributed to each symbol by

participants will vary and give insight into the cultural structure and regional variances

in interpretations of cultural values. Thus, within a single culture "... there are

56
different kinds of insensibility to symbols and different powers of response" (Douglas,
1982218).

Geertz and Levy have focused their work on the public and private aspects of
behavior and emotional dynamics, and the division between public surfaces and private
behavior (Marcus and Fischer, 1986). Myers observes

that shame objectifies the strain between personal needs
and group needs. Shame is a 'metasentiment defined only
in relation to other emotions and evaluating the self as a
totality with respect to positively valued qualities. It
coordinates the demands of relatedness with personal
autonomy.‘ (Myers as quoted in Middleton, 1989:191)

In the communication of the cultural code of emotional expression through
symbols and rituals, participants are guided in the expression of emotions and provided
with meaning and an understanding of events. It is at this point that the cultural code
of emotional expression begins to fail in the case of sexual assault. As reflected in the
narratives, the sexual aspect of the crime of sexual assault leaves the survivors morally
questionable and in marginal position within society. Due to the failure of the cultural
code to provide a definition and meaning to the events, the survivors of sexual assault
and other cultural participants are left without a means to negotiate and understand the
events surrounding sexual assault. In this situation, the survivors react to and express
their emotions in universal, cultural, and idiosyncratic ways.

Among the women in my study, there exist similarities or universalities among
their feelings (i.e. shame, guilt, fear, numb, etc.), but their expressions of these

emotions varied. This is not to say that there were no similarities in expression, rather

that the expressions were not always consistent, having idiosyncratic and/or cultural

57

influences. For example, Carol's "using" men and Jean's redefinition of her sexuality
are idiosyncratic responses; Isabella's strong "hiSpanic" value for "pleasing men," and
Carol's and Jean's value for virginity are culturally influenced responses. Based on
these varied findings, it is my assertion that the trauma of the experience of sexual
assault creates "universal" emotions among the survivors (Brownmiller, 1975;
Fairstein, 1993; Winkler, McMullen and Wininger, 1994). These emotions are
typically expressed in cultural ways, in that the dominant culture influences the
survivors' emotional expression through values and stereotypes. When the cultural

code of emotional expression fails, the women's expressions become idiosyncratic.

UniversaLThemes
Universal themes are eXpressed in each of the narratives and are concerned
with emotional responses to trauma. These themes are grouped as avoidance, feelings

about self and events, and sexuality.

Avoidance

Avoidance behaviors occur when conflict or the possibility of conflict is
present (Greene and Ephross, 1991). In the context of sexual assault survivors, the
prOSpect of confronting the failure of the cultural code is an occasion for conflict to
arise. The length of time that these behaviors persist varies and can become a
permanent part of the narrative.

Among the women of my study, attempts at avoidance include feeling

emotionally numb, feeling that the events are unreal or dream-like, withdrawal from

58

others and/or activities, avoiding the geographical area of the assault, denial, and/or a
combination of these strategies.
Carol relates she

went through a really long stage where I felt very very numb... like I
wasn't sure I could feel much of anything.

She is still effected in this manner.

I very rarely reach any great emotional intensity. I mean, even
when I get pissed off, its like, "Oh well, I'm pissed off." I don't know.
It just seems like its so hard to reach emotional intensity. It takes a lot
of energy or something for me to get really angry, or really sad, or
really happy, so I don't. And the anger still can come without me
having to work towards it. It just seemed like I used to be able to get a
lot more invested in things emotionally, and pe0ple, and ideas. And
when I do have those peaks, they scare the shit out of me and I usually
run. Because they're rare. Either that or else I keep trying to repeat
them.

Jean relates that the most frustrating aSpect of her assault is the dream—like
quality of her memories of the events.

I think it would make it easier for me if I knew exactly what
date it was... but I've never been able to figure... it's somehow distorted
in my mind... Just so I could finally bury it. So I could say, well, this
day was the day I was raped. And, go from there. To me, that makes
it seem like it never really happened... and it's infuriating, to me, to
not know if it was real or not, to not know, i-it all seems like a
dream, now, but it was very real at the time, and other pe0ple will...
collaborate that I was... distressed at this time and that I told peOple
about it, and a lot of pe0ple know about it but... it's a dream, it's not
real (her voice is barely audible, long pause)

Lisa found herself reacting to the intense emotional content of her assault.

I don't know, it was a really hard thing, it was... it was really
scary... (she speaks in a pained voice) I just... I don't know like when I
think about it, it's almost like it was a dream, and it didn't happen to
me... And... it—I kept it internalized for so long that, it really changed
me a lot.

59
In an attempt to avoid having to confront her assailant and her assault, Carol,
"kinda like withdrew from the pe0ple I had to see every day." Jean stated that the
biggest change in her life was that
.. um, I don't trust pe0ple, as much, men, I don't trust men, big men
especially... all men... don't trust them... at all... um, and that's
something I've never really been able to shake.

Lisa commented that she no longer trusts men.

But, there's a part that hasn't changed and that's like, the love
part's, I won't let any guy get close.

Additionally, Charlotte says
there have been other side affects, too. I'm not as trusting, as I said, of
men. I'm very suspicious of men, even when they praise me. I have
very little patience with male chauvinist pigs, and male chauvinists in
general.

By losing their ability to trust others, Jean, Lisa, and Charlotte withdrew from close

relationships with friends.

Isabella relates that about one year after her assault she began to date one man

in order to withdraw from dating.

I kind of attached myself to him [in order to keep] me safe from
going out with other pe0ple.

Similarly, Alice commented that she sought someone to protect her from her
assailants. By marrying, she was able to withdraw from her family, the source of her

assaults.

It was kind of impulsive. I think, you know, we were engaged
for a week and then we eleped and got married. We stayed legally
married for two years. We stayed in the relationship for nine months.
In retrospect, I think beyond just the peer pressure to get married,
knowing what I know now, that I was probably in a big hurry to get

60

married in order to be protected from possible return of my abusers,
since I was living in the dorms and it was coming time for me to leave.

This was all unconscious, and an unconscious level, because I
didn't know any of this stuff then. But I think that was in large part my
reason for getting married. To have someone to protect me and to
rescue me and keep me safe from abuse. The irony of it was that this
person, the young man that I married, in addition to being an alcoholic,
was also a batterer.

Lisa avoided the geographical area, college, of her assault as much as possible.

I wasn't around at all, then. I went like everywhere I could. I
just— I left this area as much as I possibly could.

Lisa also tells that as she fought to remain in denial, she stOpped sleeping and eating,
and had unexplained fainting Spells.

Similar to other women in my research, Charlotte's first reaction to her assault
was to deny the memories of the assault.

When I got into bed was, "This is not true. This never happened
to you. This is some sort of story that you're over-active imagination is
playing on you." When I got underneath those covers, I shock and I
cried, and I knew I was raped, because I was still in denial.

Lisa relates she was depressed and numb during much of the three years
following her assault. When she was unable avoid the geographical area of the assault
by transferring to another college, she said

it was just- it all got kinda weird and muddled. Like... I remember
things, but... I don't. I feel like there's a point of my life that just
kinda... went by, when all that happened. And, um... I think it was all
really symptomatic, to that... (voice volume is louder in the next
section) I really have to say I know... someone probably who hadn't
gone through it or hasn't talked to people would say, "Well, y'know, I
doubt it could just be a rape that made that happen." But I—I really
think it was, I-I really... I really think it had to be because... I was so
focused so goal oriented, so... I had convictions that I believed in (voice
drOpS to end of sentence) and I lost them all.

61
Feelings About Self and Events

The women in my study identified numerous, intense emotions they
experienced after being sexually assaulted. These feelings centered on their feelings
toward themselves (dirty, soiled, used, unworthy of love, cheap, sleazy, easy, slutty,
and whorish), toward the assault and surrounding events (shame, guilt, pain, and
embarrassment), and toward their assailants and others (anger, rage, and hate).

Carol related that after her assault, she felt "a lot of embarrassment and guilt"
and resisted labeling the experience as rape because she, "felt like it was my fault, that
I'd done something, that I'd made him mad by roller skating with this other guy... that
it was something that I had caused." Carol said she felt, "Really dirty, really
disgusting. (pause) Um... I was really guilty about the whole thing."

Jean was able to discuss her reactions and feelings after her sexual assault in
great detail.

He... took something that felt good... um, because sexual feelings
to me do feel good... did feel good, and he made me feel like... I had
no... say in this, they weren't positive anymore, they were just...
shameful, dirty, guilty, wrong, urn... they were... um... cheapI... like I
was an object, and that I think is what rape is, is, basically, to get to a
woman... is to treat her like She is an object-an object. And the pain
does not go away, immediately... the physical pain does not go away.
The psychological pain takes a long time to go away, and, um... because
it is such a... sexual crime, even though it's a violent crime, it's also a
sexual crime. And they, it can re-occur, because your body keeps your
memory of the sensations and dreams and and things of that nature. So
it's... it just... permeates your whole life.

Jean further identified a number of feelings and associated behaviors she had related to

her assault. The most significant were: hate, denial, withdrawing from contact with

62

others, distrust, and the need for control. When speaking about her assailant, Jean

indicated that

I hate him... there're certain peeple who were just terrible to me, and I
just done care about them, and I feel good about that. I feel good about
being angry... anger is good...

Lisa relates that immediately following her assault, she felt as though she was,

"really sleazy, I'm really easy" and she

was having a hard time believing that it actually happened and that it
wasn't my fault, and that it wasn't like something that I could have
st0pped and it was rape.

At the time of her assault, Isabella related that she felt that
this is something that probably I deserved. I didn't even think of rape.
It was just like, well, I'm here. He's here. He's on top of me, let him
get it over with. And I felt dirty right afterwards.
After her assault, Isabella began to wonder if she "was like a whore, or a slut, or
something," and she felt, "shameful [and] slutty."

I guess I felt... the word dirty just comes to me, but I just felt
soiled; like used. Like all that I really was, was something for some
guy to get off on, and I wasn't all that important, really. Until that
moment, I probably felt... until all that happened, I think I felt like this
guy really liked, you know, could like me, and that we'd like each
other. But it wasn't that. I mean, what he was basically doing was
looking for somebody to sleep with.

Due to the fact that Charlotte sublimated her sexual assaults for many years,
when her memories came back she felt that she was "having the feelings that I should

have had when I was much younger." She described sexual assault and the associated

emotions as

it just rips away your self-esteem, your self—respect. It rips out the
very fabric of you as a person. You feel very dirty, very used, you

63

don't feel good any more. You don't feel worthy of anybody's love, or
who could love me now, or who would want to love me now?

Anger and pain are major emotional themes throughout Charlotte's narrative.

I was angry. I was more than angry. It was so violent. It was
rage; it was pain. It was waking up hysterically, having flashbacks of
your rapist standing over you; not trusting men; and angry at men;
mouthing back to men, which is nothing new for me, but really, I mean,
really giving them hell. I wanted the world to know just how angry I
was, because it hurt and I was tired of believing that my rapist was in
my closet at night and waking up and seeing him stand over me, or... I
would turn around and see him and I'd start running and screaming.
And then he'd disappear. The nurses explained that was a flashback.
And I was tired of having him haunting me. I still have flashbacks,
every now and then. When I least expect it, he just comes walking into
my life. And I'm also very angry because I'm angry at peOple because
peOpIe are so stupid sometimes [believing rape myths].

After her assault, Charlotte said that she was intolerant of sexual overtones and
behaviors from men.

I just hated men, and any man who would give me a wink or
make a wise crack, or tap my rear end without my permission, he'd get
smacked.

Alice explained the reasons for her reactions, in that
I have a lot of feelings, shame based feelings and fear feelings about
my femininity, and I don't think this was a conscious choice, but
thinking back on it, I think I just did not want to appear feminine, or I

had a fear of being... that somebody would want to go out with me, or
have a relationship with me.

Sexuality
Due to the sexual aspect of sexual assault, the women described changes in
their sexuality. Lisa, Charlotte, and Alice describe becoming disinterested in sex and

related intercourse to their assaults. As Lisa commented, because of her assault

64

all of the sudden, sex had become synonymous with violence, and
there's no way to separate it, it's the same act. And like there's different
ways Of doing it, and-but it's still fundamentally the same act, and
unless you can put the love into it, I couldn't separate it... at all, in my
mind. And, ah, I really didn't have like sexual relations that much,
when I did, I was really distant, like took myself away. And even now,
even so much later, I haven't like had sex and been there. My mind's
gone... so far away, I mean, in a way I haven't been in love since then.

Jean, Carol, and Isabella reacted in a different manner. Instead of avoiding
their sexuality, these women became focused on it as a form Of emotional expression
Of their assaults. Jean describes the process and rationale for this reaction in detail.

SO, I think that... if anything appearance wise, it was really
important that... peOple told me that I looked good... And, I didn't dress,
but not slutty, couldn't be Slutty, but I had to be... looking good. And,
ahm, tO some extent sexy, but not... too sexy. And it was this really
weird categorization of clothing that I were then, that I wanted peOple
to recognize that I was a sexual person, but... that was it. Y'know, like
"Oh, you look really good!"... but... that was it. (she pauses to
remember, lets out a bitter sad laugh and shakes her head)

Right after the rape, I went the Opposite way, like you hear
sometimes of women who just get overly promiscuous. Well, I was
never promiscuous, because that was just not... that wasn't what I
wanted to do. But I would be... super-friendly. And, urn...
provocative... kinda thing. Um, in order to... be seen as... valued, or
validated. I needed to be seen as sexual. I needed to be seen as sexy.
SO, it was very important to me what men thought. And that men
thought that I was pretty. And that men wanted to have sex with me,
that was very important to me, even though I was never... so I guess,
some peOple would call it being a tease, but I don't think I ever lead
them on, I just... I just was very... provocative. Very ah... and that
lasted for a couple of years. And then it, and then I guess I evened out.
(long pause)

I never really trusted any of those men that I was trying to get
interested in me. (pause and short laugh) SO I would never do anything
with them, because I just didn't care. It was just like, "Ok, you think
I'm attractive, you can go away now. You just validated me, you can
go away." So... at the same time, always hated myself for doing that.
(pause) It was almost like if somebody did notice... I would feel
terrible, I would feel... cheap. I guess, like I was prostituting myself. It

65

was really not a very pleasant feeling... all things considered. (long
pause)

Related to this sexualization, Jean stated that

I went through this whole phase where I would... shocking people,
shocking peOple was a lot of fun. It was, it was like very good for me,
y'know to be able to completely surprise people. So, I went through
this whole phase where I would be urn, which isn't so much a phase,
because I am-I'm not a particularly modest person. Ok. But, it was
like a challenge, at that point in my life, to see how many people I
could be naked in front of and not be very upset about. Y'know so like
I would change with other people in the room. And it wasn't that um,
the purpose was to make those peOple be uncomfortable. The purpose
was not because I am comfortable with my body, it was because... I'm
trying to shock these peOple there. Which was all part of that whole...
sexualization of it all.

When asked to relate these actions to her assault and her emotions, Jean said that

I was actually, a lot of it... had to do with other things as well, but to
some extent it had ta'... do with alotta my trust issues... feeling good
about my self respect and... respect and trust and honesty... control...
control (this word was a barely audible whisper) Because I was
defining myself as a sexual being. In a lot of ways, when Jon raped me
he was saying to me that the only thing that I was good for was sex
because he Spent so much time building up my trust. And when he
broke that tnrst, it was like saying, "Oh, see, the only reason why
anybody ever wants to close to you is so that they can get at your
body." So I said, "Okay, fine. Well, I'm just going to be a very
sexually desirable person, since that's what peOple want anyways. I'm
going to put forth what they want, and that way I can know exactly
what I'm getting, what they're getting." And in some sense, when I
started to come to terms with myself and my identity as a person, when
I started to recover, then I stopped going for that sexual attitude.
Stopped dressing constantly perfect. StOpped putting my chest out
when I knew peOple were looking at me. Stopped swinging my hips
when I was walking down the sidewalk. I stopped flirting so much,
feeling like I had to be overly friendly, sit next to peOple, lead people
on and stuff like that. I StOpped thinking of my body as the first
category and Started thinking of other things like my job, my interests,
my values, my intelligence. Things like that. I started to value things
than "My, what perky breasts I have! What a nice wiggle I have. Oh,
look, see, he's looking at me."

66

It is vague. Its very hard to describe, but a lot of it has to do
with that whole sexual, sexual tone to it [sexual assault]. Even though
it was a crime of control or power, its still got that sexual element to it.

Similarly, Carol related that she first translated her feelings about herself and
the assault into promiscuous behaviors.

I think I felt more comfortable sleeping with guys I didn't know.
I didn't have to deal with them afterwards, that they didn't know me that
well. I guess I just didn't want to be considered trash.

Carol related her increased sexual behaviors as a form of emotional expression. She
felt that
I was always out to prove something... prove that I could get this guy or
that guy or the other guy interested in me. And they'd always ask me
out, and I'd turn ‘em down (she laughed).

After her rape, Isabella became promiscuous for about a year, but then began

dating one man.

CultumLThemes
The cultural themes found in the narratives include defining the experience and
culturally linked values. Each of these areas influenced the women's immediate

emotions and emotional expressions.

Defining the Experience

Every culture contains some information regarding sexual conduct. To begin to
understand their experience, the survivors of sexual assault consult their culture's
definitions of prOper and imprOper sexual conduct. According to the women of my

study, the American culture's definitions of proper and improper sexual conduct is

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problematic when survivors attempt to internally mediate the assault experience,
indicating that the experience of sexual assault is more than a definitional challenge.
Carol was able to label her experience as rape,

but there's always that, the wondering of how you were putting yourself
in the same position again if you act that way again type of thing, like
this little stuff.

Jean focused on the "taking" aspect and her value for remaining a virgin until
marriage. She defined the events as

this taking, taking something that wasn't... given and that's a big part of
rape. Um... and that's why I—I regret it, that's why it-it meant so much,
was that he took something from me that I had a very clear value on. I
did not want to have sex until I was married. And he took that choice
away from me.

Charlotte defined rape as

rape is not an act of sex; it's an act of violence and power. And that's
how they do it, by use Of sex, but, that's not the whole thing. The
thing is the power. They wanted me to cry, they wanted me to scream,
they wanted me to plead.

Although Lisa defined her assault as

where he took my self respect, he took my, um, confidence, he took my
self worth, and um, he took, y'know, he took away like my ability to
trust men.

she is has not fully accepted the label of rape. Lisa attributes her resistance the label

so that, the full force of it doesn't hit me. Um... I think if it did hit me
I'd feel a lot better about it. Because, in a part Of my mind I still think,
"Well, maybe I was like, the-a bad girl, or maybe I, did something
wrong and..." I don't know. There's a part of me that doesn't want to
believe that I'm that vulnerable. My-my personality's a very strong
personality, I'm very in control, and part of me doesn't wanna believe
that I could be that out of control. So maybe, I guess those things, I
don't know. I—I think if I could consciously know... then, alotta things
would change. Then I could, y'know... the full impact of it, would be
right there.

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Unlike lisa, Isabella found that by labeling her experience as rape
it kind of, it helped to solidify what had happened to me. That I was

able to label it and that I could stOp blaming myself, and stOp saying it
was my fault.

Culturally Linked Values

An individual's value system is linked to her/his culture. Cultural values
provide the members of the culture with a framework of "right" and "wrong."
Although values are transmitted in different manners, two of these routes, religion and
family, are mentioned by the women in my study. Unfortunately, cultural values can
conflict, creating a point of failure in the cultural code of emotional expression.

Carol and Jean related that they were raised in religious households. Both of
these women held a strong value related to their religious upbringing of remaining
virgins until they were married. Through sexual assault, Carol and Jean had this value
violated and taken from them because losing one's virginity can only happen once.
Both women describe feeling guilt for losing their virginity and anger at their
assailants for forcibly taking it. Carol and Jean relate struggling with religious values
that became contradictory after experiencing sexual assault: the value for remaining a
virgin until marriage, and the value for forgiving the assailant to attain salvation. For
these women, their dilemma was solved by renouncing their religious beliefs.

Isabella attributes her sexual values to her ethnic identity and family Of origin.
She relates the value for pleasing men to her hiSpanic upbringing.

To please a man makes me feel good. What it does, it
validates my femininity. It validates my sexuality.

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Isabella relates having contradictory feelings and expressions the morning after
her assault. These contradictory feelings reflect dual cultural constructs or values of
sex as positive (i.e. reproduction, enjoyable, intimate) and sex as negative (i.e. danger,
prostitution, illegitimacy). Isabella relates that

he dr0pped off and I went home, and I remember there was a part of
me that felt kind of elated in a sense that, "God, its been two years and
this man found me attractive, and I had sex with this guy." God, you
know, something kind of neat about it. But yet there was a part of me
that felt dirty and felt... I mean, it was always two sides. Its always
been, most of my life two sides fighting with me, the evil and the good.
And I remember getting home and we had Max, our dog, and I ran to
my dog. Ran and put my arms around his neck and started crying, both
out of like, yes, finally, men find me attractive; but, God, this was sick.
This felt really icky, but yet I liked knowing that I'm attractive again to
men.

Charlotte chooses to hide her feelings, because she is afraid that she would not
be able to control her emotional expressions, and because

I think I was afraid of crying. I was raised that crying was a weakness.
It's only in the past, I would say six or seven years, I have been able to
cry. My biggest fear is that I will Start crying and I'll never stOp. And
I know that's not true because I have cried, and I have cried for a long
time and that it does stOp. But that's my one big fear. But the biggest
fear is [not controlling] the anger.

After examining the information she has gathered from her experience and the

experiences of others, Charlotte maintains that, "NO one wants to admit that they were

raped."

E L9 :e H
Without the assistance of the cultural code of emotional eXpression, the women

found their own means of expression. These idiosyncratic themes are shown to vary

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with each individual. In addition to the idiosyncratic expressions, the women's
narratives describe two areas of expression, physical expression and revenge, that are

common among the women but manifest themselves in different manners.

Carol
Carol indicated that because Of her relationship with her brother who had been
physically abusive to her, She had been "always, like, really self conscious about my
body." Carol admitted her experiences with her brother influenced her relationship
with Jon. For example, Carol related she altered her appearance to please Jon, but
after her assault and break—up with Jon, Carol changed her cosmetic style and colors
of clothing "back to normal."
Carol also admits that after her assault, she began "using" men and sex to "get
what I wanted."
I remember using a lot of guys, as far as like making them pay
for stuff I wanted, taking me where I wanted. I can honestly say most
Of the time I was not without a boyfriend. I became more sexually
active than I think I would have been. And, I admit I used sex... a lot,
instead of just... having sex with someone who was a partner, for love
reasons, no, I used it. I could probably get away with saying that I was
looking for something... and thinking ‘cause that was, because that was
what Jon wanted in the relationship, that was what all guys wanted, and
to keep the guy I'd have sex with him...
Once a good student, Carol's grades dropped in college as she became more
involved in trying to understand and attribute meaning to her experience. As Carol

became more aware of sexual assault issues and prevalence and said she reacted by

becoming protective of her friends.

if? 1‘?

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I think I became really protective of my friends, wanted to make
sure they weren't hurt. So it [sexual assault] seemed to be a common
trend around people I knew... and I kept wanting to protect them and
make them better. I think I still am protective of my friends to a
certain extent. I don't want any of them really to get hurt. I don't want

anything bad to happen to anybody.

Jean

Like Carol, Jean also became protective of her friends after her assault. During

the following summer and fall, after her assailant had graduated, Jean said

I basically killed him Off, in my mind, I went through this whole
elaborate psychological process where he was dead, he was just dead,

gone, buried, erased from memory.
When her assailant visited their high school the following fall, Jean reported that she,
"basically had a mini-nervous break-down" and was forced to c0pe with the fact that
her assailant was still alive. To avoid giving her assailant further "power" over her,

Jean related that she refused to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases and AIDS.

I just didn't, I didn't want anything to do with him. SO I figured
if I found out, I'd have to tell him, so he'd get checked. I just don't
want to tell him. I wouldn't go because it had to do with him. I don't
think it would have bothered me, except that it had to do with him.
HIM. I don't want to know if I got it from him, and he was the only
person I could've gotten it from. So... it was very upsetting. (pause)
Twisted stuff. I was just so bent at just getting him out of my life
completely, that to actually acknowledge that it could've happened, to
go and get tested specifically because this happened, would be giving
him too much damn power! And I wasn't gonna do it. I was not gonna
do it, even if it meant... hurting myself in the process. I just wasn't

going to give him anymore power.
When she began attending college, Jean said she was "super—vigilant,

wouldn't-go—anywhere-alone-at—night-without-an—escort." Jean also began to re-

examine her concepts regarding sexually related tOpics.

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I started to think about... sex a lot more and what sex meant, and
sexuality, and sexual orientation, and sexually transmitted diseases, and,
ah, sex leading to reproduction, and—and things of, just lots of sex
things and, um... I've always been obsessed with since I was about
twelve, thirteen or so... whenever puberty hit. SO, but I started to think
about values and morals and things of that nature and decided that...
(she sighs) since I had renounced religion... I didn't really understand
what the big pull was to wait for marriage anymore.

Issues of control and trust moved to the forefront of Jean's experience during
her first year of college. She expressed these emotions through several avenues: using
"mind games," "testing" individuals, pretending to be brave, disclosing information to
avoid being hurt by it later, seeking physical attention, endangering her safety in social
situations that "could be misunderstood and something could happen," and attempting
to "out-run" depression by eating sugary foods. All of these behaviors left Jean
feeling ashamed, depressed, and/or cheap. Jean also cOped with concentration
difficulties and panic attacks related to her assault throughout her early college
attendance. Jean admits that these issues are still important to her, as indicated by her

comment

I still keep tabs on him [her assailant]... to this day, it's been seven
years.

In retrospect, Jean realizes she

made this distinction in my mind between my ah, my psychological self
and my physical self. And I didn't really care much about what
happened to my physical self. I just... so long as nobody figured out
what my psychological self was doing. And I had to integrate those

two, eventually. (she laughs) No small feat.

Jean related that she considers herself "lucky" that her assault had not been

"worse," though she is surprised that she never wrote about her assault in her journal.

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For all intensive purposes, I, was, gone. I, write, everything in
my journal there is no mention of this, in my journal at all, until, [years
later]. There's no mention of... the rape, there's no mention of... any
feelings I had about, losing my virginity, there's no mention of, um,
who I told. I told my cousin, there's no mention of it... um, I just
retreated into myself and, [as far as] the rest Of the world is concerned,
I'm functioning and acting normally, but I just... stopped... thinkin' about
it...

Um, I think that... having... not written about it, indicated to me
that it was very... distressing to me... [it] change in my, the way I view
the world.

Lisa
As a woman who best expresses herself in writing, Lisa said she turned to
physical expressions of her emotions. She notes that her physical expressions were

important, "Even more so, [because] at that time I couldn't write."

Isabella

Isabella related that she has fought with her weight all her life and was
"slender and attractive" at the time Of her assault. Following her assault, Isabella
reported that she had her "first depression episode" and began counseling. She relates

that at the time she, "would do anything to be overweight again, because at least I was

happy."

Charlotte
For Charlotte, the most frustrating aSpect of her assault is

that they never found the guy, because I hurt him, and I hurt him bad.
If I killed him, that would bother me, I think. If I knew that I did it,

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that I think that would bother me knowing I killed somebody. But... he
had no right to me what he did.

To this day a man with a "certain body build" that reminds Charlotte of her assailant

will cause her to panic and run.

Alice

In Alice's case, her memories of incest and ritual abuse did not resurface until
her late thirties. When I inquired about how she expressed her emotions, she was
direct in her reply.

I had difficulty sleeping, I cried a lot, I had nightmares, I was
very withdrawn, inside myself, I stOpped, because of betrayal of trust
and, I StOpped, I more or less stopped seeing friends, or if they
contacted me, I would reSpond but I wouldn't initiate things. My eating
habits, yes. I lost quite a bit of weight. I didn't eat. I was very
depressed, and so I didn't eat regularly. I would mostly forget to eat,
which is very different from my normal habits. I tend mostly to
overeat, and sweets in particular. And I think I lost about, probably
close to 30 pounds within a period of about maybe six months. So, I
don't know if I have anything further on that.

Oh, as to how I dressed, I think in general, I cared less about my
appearance. It actually felt threatening to me to pay much attention to
my appearance. Like, I don't use make-up, and I StOpped dressing
attractively. I was very much into dressing up and looking my best
when I was dating this person. But after the memories started coming
and I had lost him, I felt it was bad to look attractive, or it was
somehow, I would be exploited or something like that. PeOple would
read me the wrong way. My entire life, I have been uncomfortable, like
I wear pajamas instead of nightgowns, unless they're really long
nightgowns. I wasn't like this when I was dating that particular person.
But afterwards, I would Often Sleep with my clothes on if I had to be
around the family, or I would, like getting up on Christmas morning, I
would make sure I was fully dressed before I came downstairs. Or I
would feel very upset if I had to be in my bathrobe and somebody came
to the door. And so, y'know, I especially felt a lot of shame about my
body and about having to be covered up and stuff.

I had stopped drinking in 1979. I had been in AA before that.
I'm a recovering alcoholic. And so I had stopped drinking years ago.

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The significant thing I think is that I did not start drinking again. That
I did not return to drinking when things were happening.

I had an actual episode where I lost time, and I was confused
[that was] pretty much at the crisis point.

Alice also found herself indulging in the purchase of numerous purses, stuffed
animals, and sunglasses. I asked her why she thought she had done this.

I'm not really sure, except that now that I've been in therapy I
know that I was Often put in very unfamiliar circumstances. I was
kidnapped, I was tricked, I was taken places where I didn't have
familiar things around me and maybe these things were a security

symbol for me. A sense of having this is what I have that belongs to
my safe world, or the reality that I just was whisked out of.

Physical Expressions

Without the cultural code to guide their emotional expressions, the women of
my study began to seek physical expressions of their emotions. For Carol, she noted
that She began to physically manifest her feelings by gaining weight during college.
Jean said she was "obsessed with my stomach" for ten months following her assault,
because she was concerned about possible pregnancy despite the fact that she, "had
my periods every month, regularly." After the ninth month, Jean related that, "it took
me a month to come to terms with the fact" that she was not pregnant.

Lisa's physical expressions (mentioned above) began as she sought to express
her emotions about her assault.

When this happened [her assault] I was really preppie really
naive really trusting really Open would tell anyone anything, like wore
my heart on my sleeve like I still, to a point do, but I was just really...
really, really trusting. And um,... I started like, going to parties where,
everyone wore like black and like had everything pierced and just

y‘know there was like a nitrous tank in the corner and everyone was in
their own little corner, like (nitrous oxide, ah...laughing gas.)

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In one room of the house someone would be like, doing heroine
or doing coke and new people were like really really like screwed up at
these parties. And like I dyed my hair purple and I got my nose
pierced and that's why I said, Oh, and my hair was down here (Showed
me with her hand that it was about waist length) and I cut it Off (sounds
"wicked")...like really short, y'know pierced my nose, I got a tattoo...
Um... dressed completely different, totally different.

She goes on to say

and, um, I started doing a lot of drugs, like, I tarted smoking pot, a lot.
I never really drank that much... but I drank more, I guess than urn...
but, like the marijuana pretty much takes, anything away, any kind of
feeling, it totally numbs you, and I did that, like, my entire Spring term.

Through this change in her lifestyle, Lisa sought "assistance" in expressing her
emotions.

Y'know, I went and I found a guy like that who was going to do
that to me. I don't think the fact that he was a man matters so much as
the fact that someone was pushing me to be different, t-to ah, take
myself and, make me pretty worthless, make me feel pretty worthless. I
enjoyed that feeling. I really did. I didn't— I didn't want alotta self
worth and, now I'll tell people about this guy and they'll be like,
"Where's your self reSpect? Where's your self worth? How could you—
how could you do that?" I mean it was just gone. And I was like, "I
want that."

During this time, she continued to change her appearance.

Did you have any make-up changes?

I StOpped wearing ‘em. StOpped wearing make-up completely.
StOpped wearing make-up.

How about jewelry?

Um, wore more. More jewelry, less make—up. Part of the
reason I wore less make—up is ‘cause the make-up I used was like,
pinks and I used like, real-like-I was, like I said, I had like the
persona. I wore gold. Gold all came Off. I started wearing all silver.
Um... I wore it like, the only changes I could have made with make-up
would be in like making my eyes darker or something, but... I think I
wore like-like by my taking off the make—up might have been the same
as someone else who didn't wear the make-up wearing more. Like, in
a way that was kind of, a change, (rest of sentence is whispered) like a
mask. Oh, the hair comes down in front of my eyes, a lot. I'll do that

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on, like I'll hide, behind my hair. And I did that a lot more, like now
as you'll notice it's behind my ears more, but at the time I hid behind
my hair... all the time. You'd see me just looking out of my bangs. And
it was awful, it was... got to the point where I was just incredibly,
hideous like I'd always be like if my bangs weren't long enough, I'd
like tilt my head so my hair could kinda cover my face.

It sounds like you didn ’t want to be seen.

Right! Mmm—hmm. Like I didn't want anyone, to look at my
face.

Lisa's most remarkable insight into her bodily expressions of her emotions came when
she mentioned that she got a tattoo. This decision occurred at the same time she
stopped eating.

Like when I thought about getting a tattoo [and] I talked to a
couple other peOple, and it was just like, "Oh, y'know, that sounds like
a good way to scar my body." Like, it was like I was inflicting this
pain on myself. Y'know, I don't—I don't know. It's like I had to—I had
to permanently scar myself just to like, prove something.

That's kinda like how I saw myself too. Even-even at the time,
like I consciously said, "I have to scar my-my body so that I can
remember this pain." Which is really odd, I-I, it's really weird that I
said that, and oh! and it didn't hurt. (she shakes her head to emphasize
the fact) I sat there, in the chair getting it done, and he's like, "I'm
gonna do a—do a little spot first."

I'm like, "It doesn't hurt." Then he did it and it didn't hurt. But,
it's weird, like now I think about it, it Shoulda hurt. It really should of,
but I think, mentally, I wasn't gonna...since I wanted, the pain, since it
was like tO symbolize this pain, it was like a mental pain that I was
trying to erase...so the physical pain wasn't there, ‘cause that wasn't part
Of it. So, I don't know.

I was talking to one of my friends about this the other day, and
um, there's something about like hurting yourself, like physically, to
like—so that, um, so you won't be mentally hurt. And I sat there and
thought about it, and I remember, last year, um, well-not-like-right-
at- shortly after, I came, to deal with the fact that I was raped, for a
very long time I was numb, and that's why the changes took place so
much later, ‘8 I didn't admit to myself, for almost a year later, that's
what happened. I took these um, I had these like, blades (she spat out
the word), like [Exacto knife blades] But it was really dull, and so it
wouldn't cut- it wouldn't like cut all the way down. And I remember
like, trying to cut my hands, just to like feel that kind of pain. I don't-I
don't know why, like I don't know why I would Sit there in my room

 

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and just like, take this blade and like, dig it into my skin. It never like
made me bleed, but, for some reason or another I think I just wanted to
feel that pain. SO I an—and that was along the same time that I got my
tattoo.

I never would've, hurt myself. Like I never would've actually,
slit my wrists or I wouldn't have done anything suicidal, but there was
something about just, y'know, inflicting a pain. I think it was a—a
remembrance. Just, ‘cause, when you have-when like, something hurts
you mentally, you tend to forget about it. You tend to like heal it, but
you don't remember that you—your mind blocks a lot out, it has the
tendency to do that. But I can, like now I can look at my tattoo or I
can look at, y'know if I would've hurt my, hand and I could remember
the feelings and the emotions that I went through at that particular time.

In addition to Isabella's desire to gain weight, She tells Of the morning after her
assault and that

I remembered going and taking a shower, getting dressed up again and
going to see a movie. But yet feeling, I don't know, if there's another
word... sleazy is the perfect word. Sleazy, that's what I kind of felt. I
just remember getting cleaned up, getting dressed up, putting on my
make-up just to go see a movie by myself. Its a very strange feeling.
I can remember distinctively what I was doing. It was sort of like,
"Why am I doing all this?" But I felt I needed to feel attractive again;
needed to get myself all prettied up just for a movie.

I can remember taking a shower and didn't feel, I felt like I was
cleansing something from my body, but not cleansing all of it. It was
like cleansing a part that I didn't like, and then having to dress up and
make myself all over again to say, "Oh no. I'm okay."

Isabella explains her behavior as

what I was trying to do was make myself look okay by really doing up
the show. But inside, there was something wrong there. Because that
was very strange. I usually always... I'd go to movies, but I'd never
make myself up to go. Like, why? But I had a need to do that then.
[I tried to] regain control of what had happened. Because again, you
know, its like I blamed myself for it. SO of course, I was the one who
didn't have control.

Charlotte was hOSpitalized when she began to recall her memories. During this

period, she expressed her emotions in a physical manner.

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I felt so ugly that I refused to put make—up on. I remember one
morning going into the shower and looking at myself in the mirror and
I saw a witch, and I felt I was that witch because I was raped. I was
dealing with the incest, but on a very low level because I couldn't
handle it at the same time. And I felt so dirty and so ugly, I couldn't
stand to look at myself in the mirror. For a long time I would not wear
my wig and not wear make—up. All of my friends would encourage me
to wear my wig and my make—up... because I couldn't look in the
mirror. [Charlotte wears a wig as part of her religious beliefs that
specify prOper attire for women including covering their hair]

[Later] I told the doctors that I would put my wig on, but I
wouldn't do anything to it. And I certainly didn't put any make-up on.
I didn't walk straight, I didn't walk tall, just sort of like... Everybody
kept saying Speak up. And I said to [my doctor], "What are you, deaf?"
And he says, "NO, that's the consequences coming out of your rape and
you're afraid to talk up."

[When] I felt a little better about myself. I got my friend to
bring me a different wig, and I fixed it up. I had her bring me all my
make-up, and I looked at myself in the mirror and the witch was gone.

And that was when I knew that I had past a certain point.
Because [before] I felt so ugly that I didn't care about myself. I didn't
care how I dressed, I didn't care if I put my make-up on.

But really, I can't explain it, but when I looked in that mirror a
witch was looking back at me. She was so ugly that I couldn't face her.
And that witch was me, and it was a horrible thing to realize that I,
who always patted myself on being highly attractive, was a witch, an
ugly old crone, and a vicious face, like a mask. And there was no
amount of make—up and no amount of hair do's, or no amount of
anything that was going to change it. And as I got better, that one day
I looked in the mirror and she was gone.

And I think that was because I was angry with myself, I was
angry at the world, I was angry at my husband, my ex-husband, I was
angry at my rapist, I was angry at my cousins. I was angry, period.
And I took it out on myself rather than taking it out on the right people.

Revenge
One important theme in the expression of anger is the desire for revenge on the
perpetrators Of the sexual assault. Revenge can be performed in legal, illegal, or

fantasy forms, but the main goal for the survivor is to regain power. Jean and Carol

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relate their opinions regarding prosecution as a form of revenge, as well as vengeful

actions.

Legal

Carol: [Referring tO prosecution] I never even thought about it because of the whole
family issue, then I would have to tell my parents. Then after I finally did tell them,
there was a point there when I was really worried about him doing it to somebody
else. ‘Cause I honestly think that the only reason why women would ever go through
the trouble of prosecuting... is revenge. Nobody would do that just because it's the
right thing tO do... or because they're overly worried, and yeah some of it might come
in that they're really worried that they might do it to someone else. But the major
reason is revenge. And the minute you take that revenge away, you take alotta
personal power away.

Jean: If it ever happens again, I'm nailing him to the wall! Going through the whole
nine yards, prosecution, hospital, everything! I didn't even know those things existed,
when I was raped (first half of the sentence is loud, the second half is barely
audible)... that there was such a thing as a rape kit, that there was a... I knew you
could... go to court... but it—that didn't occur to me that it was a crime until a few
weeks after it happened...

fllcgal

Carol: That was one thing that was kinda empowering for me too, was when Betty...
was trying to confront her rapist, we were trying to think of different ways ta—to do
that, so he could get fucked but not majorly... so we dumped sugar in his gas tank
(she laughed, my jaw dropped Open). Well, he was, the job interview was for
teaching... and that was the last thing we thought he should be in. ‘Cause basically,
the way we narrowed it down was the reason he picked Betty was because she was
young, she was a virgin, she was really really really naive... and (she sighed) he only
ever looked at really really young looking women... this guy, a-he was just... a pig
(she giggled) he deserved it.

Fantasy

Jean: But when I go home, I have to pass his house... (her Speaking becomes chOppy)
and it's a habit to look to see if he is... there. I've never seen him once, I don't know
what I'm actually going to do if I do see him... out. Um, how I would react. I've
thought about... something inside me says that I need to tell him... what he did to me.
Something inside me says he doesn't understand what he did to me, and that's
probably true because of the way that he is and how manipulative he is. He probably
doesn't realize that he raped me, and... something is unfinished until I can actually let
him know that, but I do not know how to do that. SO, for the moment I just... keep

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tabs on him and... every once in awhile, if I'm in a particularly bad mood... I'll throw
fake grenades at his house, imaginary ones (she demonstrates a throwing/exploding
motion while saying this, then laughs)... just because it makes me feel better! (she
laughs and blushes slightly)

But... every once in awhile, in my first couple of years of college, I'd get in a
really black mood and it was...during those times that I would write these wonderful
soliloquies to Jon about how much I hated him and... what I would do if I ever got a
hold of him.

But I wouldn't walk up to him and say, "You've ruined my life. You've done
this..." Because that would just give him too much satisfaction to say something like
that. Waste my time. Wasting all this time and worrying about you.

It's not worth my time. I would still... I still think that someday if I ever run
across him, not on purpose, not like go to his door and say we need to talk about this.
But if I ever ran across him I would say something to him. I would like to think that
I would. I would probably just freeze... Because everything's perfect in my head.
Like that first time I ran across him, after I had already killed him off. I wish I could
be just nice and calm like I am right now and say, "Well, when I was a junior in high
school, you raped me. I wonder how many other women you did this to. I just want
you to know that I don't care about you any more. You have no power over me."
But that's... so why bother saying anything if I just know that he's going to go, "Huh,
huh, huh. Dumb girl. Heh, she's so dumb. Hah, I ruined your life all these years.
I've kept her under my thumb." Right. It probably would be better if... now I'm on
this train of thought here, if I come across him and he says, "Hey, Jean." I'm like,
"Who are you? Oh, yeah. Did you ever go to prison? Okay, I'm sorry that you
ruined your life."

Summon:

Universal, cultural, and idiosyncratic themes interact during the period
following the sexual assault. The universal themes noted by the women in my study
are avoidance, feelings about self and others, and sexuality. Although each woman
reacted to these universal themes, the exact expression of the theme varied. Cultural
themes influenced the women's definitions Of sexual assault and the values (and
feelings) associated with their values and experiences. These cultural influences on
definition and values seem to be subject to variations depending on the cultural

background of the sexual assault survivor. Idiosyncratic themes demonstrate the wide

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variety of expressions deveIOped by the women in my study. Despite two common
areas of emotional expression, physical expression and revenge, the individual forms
these expressions took varied notably among the women and remain idiosyncratic

reSponses.

CHAPTER 7

THE INFLUENCE OF FAMILY AND CHILDHOOD EXPERIENCES
ON THE CONSTRUCTION OF SEXUAL ASSAULT

As with any event in the course of human life, sexual assault does not occur in
a vacuum. Often, the women returned to previous life events to provide them with a
rationale for their role in the sexual assault (Gilliland and James, 1993). These prior
life events are laden with cultural meaning. Cultural meanings are often overlooked or
unseen messages that are not examined until after an abrupt, culturally ambiguous
event occurs. When such an event occurs, cultural messages become more easily seen
and understood. Furthermore, these messages are sorted, adOpted, rejected,
reinterpreted, and/or replaced. Each woman in my study became aware Of and
attributed certain cultural messages to her sexual assault.

As a result of each woman's sexual assault experience, a process of culturally
based re—definition, or re—construction, of the sexual assault experience takes place.
In changing cultural systems, the accompanying change in the cultural code of
emotional expression creates an atmOSphere of indecision "between traditional [codes]
and change confirming behavior" (Middleton, 1989:196). As the "criteria for
interpreting behavior shift[s]" with the change in code, the "conditions where
emotions are redefined, linkages [are] reconfirmed, and the emotional idiom [is]

recast" develop (Middleton, 1989:196). This causes "... distress and emotions [are

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used] to relieve traumatic pressures, [while] individuals apprOpriate available
cultural models and, under patterned social stresses, create, each individually,
significant new patterns" (Obeyesekere, as quoted in Marcus and Fischer, 1986:53).
AS each woman passes through the aftermath of her sexual assault, she seeks to give
her experience meaning. During this period, the woman's concept of self and culture
interact to create a viable ordering and definition of events that provides each woman
with a new, culturally based definition of herself and the events Of her sexual assault.
The survivor and her family exist within and are inseparable from the cultural
context. Both Operate under and reflect many of the values, norms, and other cultural
messages that exist within the host culture. The family experiences provides an
individual with ways to define the present, future, and sometimes the past. Individuals
become aware of sexual assault through the incorporation of a certain set Of cultural

messages.

Carol re—examined her physically abusive experiences growing up with her

brother, Philip, as a significant influence on her reactions to her rape.

Leading up to this is my brother. He physically abused me all
Of my life (she laughs uncomfortably). I was used to being abused, to.
being a victim. I always got blamed equally whenever he'd beat the shit
out of me. And... so it wasn't like people saw a big difference in me.
(Pause) Um... right away, there wasn't any change, no. .

You commented that you ’ve always been body conscrous and
that image is a big thing. For an example, it took you two hours to
get ready for school every morning. Why? .

I can tie that back to my brother again, and him calling me fat
for all those years. But, he says I'm blaming everything on hrm. I
don't want to, some of this has to be me.

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While Carol acknowledges that she is responsible for her own actions, she notes that
the relationship She had with her brother provided her with three significant cultural
messages. First, men are abusive and women are victims of their abuse. Second, to
define male abuse as unjust, or wrong, would bring about punishment. Finally, Carol
developed a body consciousness that stated she was "fat" and therefore physically

inadequate, thus she compensated by elevating the importance of her physical

appearance.

Jean, as a social outcast among her grade school peers, attributed her lack of
trust toward Others and subsequent "acceptance" by Jon as Significant factors in her

sexual assault.

Um, because all during grade school and stuff, um, I didn't trust
anybody at all. Because I was basically a social outcast. And so
whenever I would do something or say something, popular kids would
use this as a-as a springboard for making fun Of me, to the extent that
they would ask me like, where I would get my jeans and then they
would turn around and say, "Well we'll have to remember not to buy
things there."

80—80 I became very good at not letting anybody know anything
about me. Um, and... when I met Jon, he would just accept whatever I'd
said and he was very emotional, he was a very emotional person. He
would be very, ahm... very open with his feelings. He cried a couple of
times and that just blew me away that men could do something like
that. I was like, "Wow! Ohmygod! He must really love me!" (She
laughs a little)

So I trusted him a lot and would let him do just about anything
he wanted even though he did this whole emotional trip, push—pull
push—pull.

Jean's lack Of experience in prior friendships gave her little information to build upon
to determine the appropriateness of Jon's behavior. She had received the cultural
message that she was unlikable and must be secretive about her life and experiences or

risk being harassed by others. When she was confronted by an individual who did not

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fit the cultural role of "other—as-harasser," Jean placed Jon in the cultural role of
"Other—as—beloved" and was unable to label his behaviors as inapprOpriate, unhealthy,
or dangerous.

Lisa was influenced by her mother's attitudes toward sexual assault through her
provision of basic, though sterile, information about the tOpic.

Well, rape used to be just something on the headlines.
Something my mom gave me (she exhales a giggle) to read or to watch
on TV, something I just didn't want to read about. Acquaintance rape,
date rape, and it was just like, "penetration with a woman where woman
says 'No'." Period. End of, the thing.

Through the cultural messages Lisa received, she formed the Opinion that sexual
assault was a simple, easily defined event that happened to other women.

Isabella identified her family life, her mother's attitudes surrounding sex and
rape, her contact with her father, and her culture as the main contributing factors in

her sexual assault.

I've been brought up in my family, I've been brought up by my
mom that you never tease a man. If you tease a man and he gets angry,
he's going to have his way with you and there's not much you can do.
SO I was always taught never to give a little bit without realizing that I
might have to give everything. Because it's sort of like this is
something I know they like and I want to please them. Yes, I've been
brought up to please men. That's been in my upbringing, very much.
But that our, you know-—the ultimate goal, to get married and have
kids, and please your man. And I think that's very HiSpanic oriented.

Because pretty much it's the part of wanting to please him, and I
think that's probably something that's been with me all my life. I need
to please men. NO matter what I need to do, that's what I need. No
matter what it is, how much. If its impossible, I still have to do it.
So—-the story with my father. And I think a lot of it has to connect,
and my father, and the problems that I deal with men is because Of my
father. [Isabella narrated an occasion when she and her father, who had
been absent from the family due to divorce, had sexual contact, an
incestuous relationship, when Isabella was seventeen. Isabella stated
that because she had never had a father growing up, she was unable to

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distinguish between the relationship between father-child and man-
woman]

Isabella also defines her body image, due to her long—term struggle to keep her weight
down, as a contributing factor.
...because I go for so long, let's say 3 or 4 years without anybody in my
life and then suddenly I lose weight and I'm automatically this new
person, this new woman that everybody, all these men find attractive. I
mean, yes, I can say no to a man that I don't find attractive, but a man
that I found attractive, and this person, Jeff, I found very attractive.
And its almost as if... its not that I can't, its like I won't say no.
Isabella views of her own culture messages as emphasizing the woman's role to please
a man. In this role, she receives the cultural messages that she is without recourse if
displeased with the treatment she receives from a man, particularly if she is
romantically involved with this man. Isabella's body image was culturally defined as
inadequate, leaving Isabella with few experiences with attractive men. Isabella
identified her body image, her experiences with her father (which initially created a
schism in her definition of the cultural roles of men and women), and her upbringing
combined as important factors in her sexual assault by Jeff. Thus by her failing to
please one man (her father) and her view of her body image as being inadequate, She
was left questioning her ability to fulfill her cultural role as a woman.
Charlotte explains that she was
...from a family Of strong women. They might have been behind the
scenes strong, but they were strong. I was raised with a very Strong
father who was very loving, and very caring, and a very gentle man.
When he died, they broke the mold. And he encouraged me to
be strong. He encouraged me to be independent. He was very
protective of me, yes. But at the same time, it was like, "Don't look to

me or for your future husband to do everything for you. Learn to do
things for yourself."

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For Charlotte, her cultural messages were clearer, that she should be strong and
independent. However, she also received the cultural message that she should not and
cannot rely on others.

Alice's experiences Of sexual assault stemmed from her father.

When your father left the family unit [due to divorce], that’s
when the assaults ended?

No, they really didn't end until... I'm fuzzy on this, I guess. I
think until he... at least for a year after the divorce, he had been still
seeing me. My mother put out a restraining order for him not to see
my sister, but because I was over 18, she didn't seem to be concerned
about whether he should see me or not. And so he was still seeing me
after they divorced.

As a child, Alice had no experience to draw upon to determine the appropriateness of
her assailants (and father's) behaviors or whether she could report it to others. In this
case, Alice lacked any cultural messages regarding her assailant's actions. (It is unclear
whether Alice's assailants ever threatened retribution if she reported the abuse to others
and how these threats may have been transmitted, therefore I am working under the
premise that this did not occur.) Her mother's failure to obtain a restraining order for

Alice delivered a double cultural message. First, Alice is responsible for what was

happening to her. Second, it is inappropriate to report her experiences to others.

DMZ: :'

The cultural messages received by each woman (discussed above) influenced
her original construction, or definition, of her experience.
Carol Stated that, "I don't think I realized that at that point [soon after her rape]

that I could label it rape. I didn't know what rape was." For Carol, her prior

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experiences with her brother prevented her from defining her sexual assault as rape
due to her lack of knowledge of appropriate behaviors in male/female relationships.
Jean was uncertain in her original construction of her sexual assault.

Um... but it's hard to say, um... it's, my definition has changed
over time and for a long time I didn't, I wasn't sure I wasn't raped
because he didn't finish, and... to some extent that always makes me
feel like... maybe that's... not... as bad as, say somebody who was...
raped with a knife.

And... I never really believed that it made me less of a person,
but, I couldn't st0p my feelings from... feeling like something wrong
had happened, and I knew that I couldn't tell my parents, because, they
would make too much of a deal—big deal out of it. And I didn't want
publicity, I just wanted it to go away (she exhales a pained laugh)
because, he says, he told me he loved me, so obviously it wasn't rape it
was sex, but to him...and I wanted to believe that, but...(she is agitated
and angry - there is a pause before we continue)

I think it was kind of, I think in a way it was worse than if it
had been... ah... forcible rape. Because then I think, I would have told
somebody. I wouldn't have kept it a secret, would have told my mom,
or my parents, or something, and something would have been done
about it. But I was so ashamed of the way that things had happened,
and he covered it up so smoothly, that it was just like this one big mind
game. And I always felt like, "Oh, well, I can't say anything now. It's
been too long. I can't.... This is.... (she sighs in frustration) Nobody
would believe me! Nobody would do" y'know all this other stuff that
just went through my head, just saying.

Well, when I was first raped, I think the reaction was for me to
equate sex, and love, and marriage synonymously because I had to be
very intimate, and I think its that emotional aspect which was that, if I
was very intimate with someone, then penetration would be. Because I
quickly gathered from having been raped that when I chose to do this
on my own, it would probably hurt. I'm not a big woman, and I
quickly gathered this. So, I couldn't really put the pain with rape, and I
was trying to reconcile that in my mind.

So the whole penetration, vagina/penis, sex. That is sex, I don't
view that as now, but that's how I was viewing it then because that was
my conception. Society sort of pushes you toward that, especially in
my town.

That sex, and love, and marriage are all synonymous?

Right. And not so much that, even that just the sex is a man
penetrates a woman, he orgasms, that's the end of sex. And she

9O

orgasms, too, but its not as important as when he orgasms. So, that was
then.

For Jean, a number of factors interplayed to produce her original construction of her
sexual assault experience. The most pronounced factor was the cultural influences and
messages that composed her definition of male/female relationships and sex.

Lisa said she had difficulty constructing her sexual assault.

I was like... (she sighs) for a very long time I didn't believe I
was raped. I um, because, I hate that his words meant so much, but
when he said, y'know, "You were on t0p," just stuck in my head forever
and ever and ever and it was just like, "That couldn't have been rape. It
couldn't have been."

And um, when I went and spoke to a woman, she made it, she
made it really hard for me to even think that I was raped. Even though
she kept saying, "You were, you were." But she'd say things like, "As
long as you said 'No.'"

"Well, I didn't. Y'know I-I kinda showed him and I kinda, did
alotta other things, but I never said, 'No'."

She's like, "Well, as long as you're really forceful about it."

"Well, I wasn't. I wasn't-I didn't physically hurt him."

Y'know, a-and there's alotta things she kept saying, "Well," and
it kept minimizing... and it kept going down and down and down, and
I'm just like, "Well, if you have to justify it this mue ," y'know, and I
don't think that's what she meant, but it just, y'know all those things
kept sticking in my head, and—and his saying, "Don't you have any self
respect?" (short pause)

No! ‘Cause he took it. (short pause) You know and-and it was
just all these things in my head and, I couldn't, I couldn't admit to
myself that I was raped. And then, when my friend was raped, she was
so sure about it, so sure that's what happened, like there was no doubt
in her mind, no question. He was like her boyfriend, y'know, she knew
that's what it was. But I still didn't (when she talks of her friend, she
Speaks is a strong voice. The last sentence about herself is spoken
quietly).

And even when I told her that, she‘s like, "No, you were.“
Dismissal. Y'know, "You were," that's it. But I still wasn't sure, like
I-I still couldn't admit it to myself.

In Lisa's case, she was strongly influenced by the cultural messages embedded in

other's opinions. She received the cultural messages that stated she was at fault.

 

91

When opposing cultural messages were sent (she was not at fault), her pre—existing
cultural messages (she was at fault) prevented her from being able to receive the
intended message.

Isabella's previous cultural messages regarding male/female relationships
provided her with her original construction of her sexual assault.

This is something that probably I deserved. That was... I didn't
even think of rape. It was just like, well, I'm here. He's here. He's on
top of me, let him get it over with. And I felt dirty right afterwards. I
just, for the longest time, I think I just felt that there was something
wrong in what happened, but I didn't know what it was because I didn't
feel good about it.

And I think a lot of this had to do with just before I was going
out with a lot of people, I had lost a lot of weight. And when I get
thinner, I'm much more attractive to men, and I have a hard time saying
no. And I didn't realize that until that night, because I literally could
have, if I had wanted to, pushed him off. But I couldn't say no. I
didn't know how to say no.

It was my fault; it was me to blame. And so the next day when
I woke up and he woke up and he treated me like shit, I thought well I
deserve it. I'm a slut. I let him have his way with me.

And that was probably... because I think, when I think of a
woman getting raped, I think she fights for her life, and there's a knife
at your neck, you have no choice. But I had a choice. I could have
flipped over and punched him in the face. But I didn't do any of those
things. I said no, but at the time, I didn't think that was enough.

I mean, saying just "no" back in that period of time, I didn't feel
like that was like really fighting a rape. Because you have to realize,
when you don't know that you're being raped, you really don't have a
choice. You see what I mean? It's like, you don't have the decision-
making capacity to say this is wrong. I didn't know it was wrong. I
didn't know what this man was doing to me was wrong. I just knew
that I didn't want to do it. But that doesn't mean that it was wrong at
that period of time.

Isabella was working with two main of cultural messages. First, as a woman, and due

to her previous schism, she felt she had to please this man. Secondly, Isabella took

 

92

responsibility for her sexual assault based on the cultural message that she "couldn't
give a little without realizing [she] may have to give it all."

Alice and Charlotte did not indicate that they changed their original
construction of their sexual assault experiences. Since these two women remained
with the their original constructions, I have placed their vignettes in the following

section to indicate their current constructions of their experiences.

R . I Q i 2'

In the revision of cultural messages, influences to change and to remain static
originate from internal and external sources. Sometimes these revisions are radical
changes in cultural messages, other times the women revised part of or a single
message to create the new construction.

As Carol worked through her experience, she changed the way she viewed

herself as an individual at the time of her rape.

Why did Jon treat me the way he did? Because I was totally in
a victim role. I let him. I'm not saying it's my fault, but that was just
who I was then. So that might be easier for me.
By altering her construction of her role in her sexual assault to that of participation in

the victim role, Carol was able to gain insight into herself and her sexual assault

experience.

Jean reconstructed her sexual assault after actively seeking cultural messages

from others to replace and incorporate into her cultural construction.

I didn't call it rape until after [several months] that's mainly his
doing, because a couple weeks later he, told me he was breaking up
with me and... that's when I realized that the whole thing had just been,

93

to get me, in, bed. And when I did, it was sort of tentative, ta just
check things out, and see if... other peOple thought it was, rape, too,
‘cause I didn't want to run around calling this rape, unless I knew...
what to call it (her voice dropped to an almost inaudible level. It
returned to normal with the next sentence). And I got mixed, responses,
from peOple.

What does rape mean to you?

That's hard to separate personal from political standpoint.
Because they're... different. (she exhales an uncomfortable laugh) But, I
know it to-da—it, there are certain characteristics that are the same
across that, there is this, urn... this taking, taking something that
wasn't... given and that's a big part of rape.

Um... and that's why {-1 regret it, that's why it-it meant so
much, was that he took something from me that I had a very clear value
on. I did not want to have sex until I was married. And he took that
choice away from me. Like I was an object, and that I think is what
rape is, is, basically, to get to a woman... is to treat her like she is an
object... an object.

And the pain does not go away, immediately... because it is such
a... sexual crime, even though it's a violent crime, it's also a sexual
crime. '

I don't know, I don't know where that turning point was where I
finally just realized that... I didn't have to forgive him for what he'd
done. But somewhere, it was just ingrained in me that... probably about
the same time that I gave up the whole Christian concept.

That makes sense.

Yeah... it seems logical to me. (pause) Not that any of this is
very logical. (she laughs)

So, in some ways that was worse because it took me a year and
a half to come to terms with it, then if it had just been an out—and—out
violent attack. And, ah... I don't even know how I would of reacted to
that. That seems like something that you can get over... seems like
something I could get over a lot easier than ah, infiltration of trust.

And now, I view sex more as a process... the whole sexual
activity is usually what I refer to it as, and penetration is one of those
things that you can do, and for the most part, usually ends up happening
because of dating men, and it happening. But doesn't have to.

And there's a whole bunch of things that encompass that,
whereas before I wouldn't be likely to, say, categorize oral sex as being
sex so much as something that goes along with sex. Whereas now, I'd
be much more likely to categorize it as being sex. The same thing as a
back massage, or an all over body massage could be considered sex
now, but then I would have just considered it foreplay.

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So, a lot of it has to do with awareness that there is more to life
than just male mounts female, place his seed inside her. It goes away,
falls asleep. I kind of like my definitions better.

Lisa has had a number of experiences since the time of her assault that have
given her new cultural messages that she has incorporated into her construction of her
rape experience.

But, like, now I know, that... the rape was what happened then,
it was the penetration... that I didn't want to happen. It's not the like,
how long it lasts or anything.

It's unfortunate that it had to happen, because of someone else's
experiences, but... without that, I still think today... I wouldn't realize
that's what it was. Um... I don't know, I'll talkabout it like I'll talk
about it to peeple now... but it's not something that I'll say, like I'll find
myself coming out and saying now, "Oh yeah, y'know, three years ago
when..." or four years ago now, I think, that's what it is, but, y'know,
"when this happened" and I'll kinda say it thinking they should know,
and they're like, "What?" And that's really hard.

But, like I don't feel uncomfortable talking about it. Y'know, if
it's going to help someone, I'll tell them because it's nothing I did. And
that's just like when you were like talking before about the privacy
issue, it's nothing I did. So even if my name was used, that's fine, I'm a
victim. It's nothing that I did to myself.

And then, that was still stuck in my head where a woman has to
say, "No." Like that was in my head and it-just to fight it. And um,
then it just kinda became, when a woman doesn't want it and it's kind
of, y'know, forced upon her, whether, no mat—wheth-whether she has—
she has to make some motion, show that it's not wanted. Y'know, you
can't—you can't always say, "Yes! This is what I want! Please!”
y'know, but, you have to say, y'know you have to say something or do
something or show that, that's not what you want, that you—that your
uncomfortable.

And that um, actually something, whether, it doesn't exactly even
have to be like, penetration, it could be anything, where alotta people
call that, like sexual harassment but, y'know when, when it's, like more
intimate it's—I think it's kind of a degree of rape.

And I think, I think this has changed because of my own,
personal, experiences even outside of the fact that, y'know it happened
to me. I think from just learning more and just, being more interested
in it.

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What does the word and the concept of rape mean to you?

(she sighs) Um, I personalize it. Um, it means... one night, a
couple years ago, where a man took a lot away from me. Where he
took my self respect, he took my, um, confidence, he took my self
worth, and um, he took, y'know, he took away like my ability to trust
men.

And then, when I think of it in a broader sense, I apply that to
all the women who've been raped, and to the word rape. It's when
those things have been taken away.

For Isabella, she has changed her construction of her sexual assault, yet her
reconstruction of her experience is still continuing.

And I didn't really realize this was rape until [later] because the
way we traditionally look at rape as a man in a dark comer coming out
at you and attacking you. Not where you're the woman. You've pretty
much done everything with this person, but yet you don't allow one act.

And until what, 4—5 years later did I realize, "Hell, I was
raped!"

When you got it labeled, it released the guilt. It sounds as
though it just kind of sort of made sense.

Right. It kind of... it helped to solidify what had happened to
me. That I was able to label it and that I could st0p blaming myself,
and stop saying it was my fault. [To label the experience rape] it takes
the fault away on my side and puts it on him, which makes it more...
Because I don't have a problem blaming somebody for something. If I
think its wrong, I can say it. But I thought it was my fault.

How has your concept of rape changed?

Its changed a lot. Its not a dark comer anymore. Its not a
stranger. Its a man who wants to take control. And I would dare say
that I don't think even rape is just physical any more. I think rape
comes in all different shapes and forms. Its a rape of the soul. Its a
rape of emotion. Its a rape of your identity.

I see what's happening here when there's these parties and the
women are at these parties and they get drunk. And they end up maybe
in somebody's bedroom. And the guy goes in there and he thinks he
can have his way with her because she's drunk. And I realize that when
you're drunk, your defenses are down and you may not fight as much as
you would normally fight if you would have been sober. But, if two
people don't have an agreement amongst each other prior to having sex,
and the man just takes you over, and you may either be too drunk or
too tired, or something or another, but you don't want this, but what the
hell.

96

We've been taught in society to give in. I can't say that I've
completely made a whole turn around. Because deep inside, I still have
that need to please a man. [There's] a part of me that's changing.

Pleasing is very important to me at this point in my life, but they
also have to please me. And so I think I'm beginning to realize that its
necessary that you have a balance. Without the balance, then one
person's out, and I'm usually the one who's out.

Although Isabella has incorporated new cultural messages into her construction, she
has not discarded her original cultural messages. Instead, Isabella stated she is
searching for a combination of the two sets of messages.

Charlotte's construction of her rape experience is influenced by the cultural
messages she incorporated as a young woman. The most pronounced cultural message
in Charlotte's construction is the message of strength.

I very rarely cry about my rape. I can talk about it and like my
therapist always said, I always sound like I'm just reciting a grocery list:
A happened, B happened, C happened. But there's a lot of feelings that
lie underneath it.

It just rips away your self—esteem, your self-reSpect. It rips out
the very fabric of you as a person. You feel very dirty, very used, you
don't feel good any more. You don't feel worthy of anybody's love, or
who could love me now, or who would want to love me now. Because
it's not... rape is not an act of sex, it's an act of violence and power.
And that's how they do it, by use of sex, but, that's not the whole thing.
The thing is the power. They wanted me to cry, they wanted me to
scream, they wanted me to plead.

And gradually, I began talking more and more about the rape.
And I continued going to Sarah's group and that's where I became the
survivor rather than the victim. I took a long time. It's like I can say it
happened, that it was wrong, I almost died, it was very painful, it was
horrible and horrendous, but I'm here, I lived through it, and therefore,
I'm a survivor.

And has it affected my life? Yes. I don't trust men very much.
Whatever I did feel about men before, I always feel that men are
nothing more than little boys running around in a big body looking for
their mommy to take of them. Sometimes I feel they're downright
stupid, and they're very vicious.

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I don't want anybody's pity. I want to be understood, about
women suffer... and they suffer many years later. I said this happened
when I was 29. It didn't get out until I was 44.

Alice's construction of her sexual assaults has been influenced mainly by her
adult understanding of the cultural messages she has received since beginning therapy.
Due to the nature of her coping strategies as a child, she is still working on a more
comprehensive construction of her experiences.

I think that as a child in particular, I felt that my blindness was
deliberately a means of exploiting me, of deceiving me about where I
was or maybe identifying who was assaulting me and things like that. I
think that I was misled and deceived a lot, and that has probably I have

some... that's an area I could explore further, in terms of where I am
today with that.

Emma

Idiosyncratic family and childhood experiences equip individuals with cultural
messages that provide a means of interpreting life events. By receiving and
incorporating cultural messages about life and self, an original construction of one's
"world" is created. When this construction is confronted with a universally traumatic
events that violate this construction, change must occur. This change involves a
process of reconstruction of one's "world view" by incorporating and/or rejecting old

and new cultural messages to create a revised construction.

SECTION III

CHAPTER 8

RESPONSES OF OTHER SEXUAL ASSAULT SURVIVORS

During the interviews, each of the women described comparing herself to other
sexual assault survivors she met. The women in my study gained insight into their
own sexual assault through speaking with and observing other sexual assault survivors.
In the pursuit of this line of conversation, I found that these other sexual assault
survivors reacted in similar ways to the women involved in my study.

Through communication with other sexual assault survivors, the women
developed a sense of community, rather than remaining isolated in their experiences.
Though no two individuals had the same experience, through the exchange of both
explicit (for example "So we're sisters" and "I've been raped, too") and implicit (such
as "She didn't want me to say 'I told you so'" and rape "made her much more aware")
messages, each woman was able to incorporate information about other survivors'
constructions into their own construction of their experiences and their emerging

redefinition of the cultural code of emotional expression.

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99
LE . G°Hl 9!! S .

Each of the women in my study directly acknowledged they had gained
perSpective about their own experiences through discussions with and observations of
other sexual assault survivors.

Carol found that sexual assault was more prevalent that she had thought and
she was not alone in her experience. Carol also noted a trend among survivors to
remain silent about their experiences.

See the same friend that I told about it the day after, Jill, ended
up that when she was sixteen, was actually on her sixteenth birthday,
her boyfriend raped her... and she didn't tell me about it until after we
graduated from high school... because she didn't want me to say "I told
you so." ‘Cause I'd been telling her before that... I finally got to the
point with her that you know, it isn't all good (she laughed shortly) it
can be kinda bad (she laughed short again) I mean I wasn't really
telling... alotta bad stuff, but... I think even before that I told her... it
wasn't by choice that I had sex with him.

Turns out, my other best friend at the time, Samantha, also lost
her virginity the same way, when she was seventeen, sixteen, someplace
in there.

When I got to college... ah, my next door neighbor my
sophomore year, she was a freshman... she was raped... and I got really
involved with her talking about that. Another friend, named Betty, she
was raped... same year, but I didn't find out about it ‘till the next year,
but...

Carol also relates that female sexual assault survivors often attempt to find the answer
to the question, "Why?" They seek to understand their experience by uncovering the
assailant's motive in an attempt to fit their experience within the cultural code of
emotional expression they had been operating under prior to the assault.
The one that really hit me hardest was this new person I'm
seeing. She was 16, single white female. And she asked me, "Why do

men rape?" Straight out, just like that. I don't know where. And its so
hard to get her talking about anything. She just suddenly out of the

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blue... I just kind of like, "Huh?" I think the wondering all the time,
"Why?" is pretty common. It's the biggest general thing I see.

And I can give all the reasons, it's a power thing, it's a control
issue, it's violent, it's dah, dah, dah. And the reason they pick certain
peOple are because of their victim status, either Opportunity because
they're in a certain Spot, or because of the way they're standing, the way
they're... you know. That's victim blaming, so I don't do that. It might
be a lot easier for me because it wasn't just a one time thing to answer
those type of questions, you know.

But there's always that, the wondering of how you were putting
yourself in the same position again if you act that way again type of
thing, like this little stuff.

Jean noted through interactions with other sexual assault survivors, both she
and the other survivors gained insight into their own experiences.

...‘cause to be working with sexual assault survivors, it gives you
a different perspective on, your own sexual assault.

I interviewed somebody recently who said that ah, they had been
assaulted, and now they were volunteering. And she said that it was a
real eye-opener for her when she was assaulted by her friend. She
didn't think that it could happen. Made her much more aware.

After speaking with other sexual assault survivors, Isabella felt her experience
was not as traumatic as others' experiences. Like Carol, Isabella also noted a silence

among survivors.

I've spoken to other women who have gotten raped. I've spoken
to people to me that seems like they've had so much more of a
devastating experience than mine. And particularly when this
happened to me that day, I Spoke to a friend of mine that I've known
for a while and she mentioned... I told her that I was raped. I never
really told her. And she said, "You know, I've been raped, too." And I
couldn't believe it. I mean, it just blew my mind away that she was
raped.

Charlotte also emphasized the prevalence of sexual assault among women and
the silence among survivors.

And I was sitting, talking to a very, very dear friend of mine... I
had just gotten off work and was sitting and it slipped out and she put

 

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her arms around me and she said, "So we're sisters." The more you talk
about it, the more you find women who have been raped. Some went
for help, and the majority did not. Some of them were able to get
through it themselves. Some women still live this.

We had a group set up for Orthodox women who were victims
of incest and rape, and I was really afraid to go because I figured,
"Who was going to be there?" And who walked in were some of my
very, very best friends and I sort of sat there and thought, "Oh my
God."

Because it's kept such a secret, and it's like we could discuss it
because we understand each other. The more I talk about it, the more
women I find have been through similar experiences.

Lisa, confused about her sexual assault, noted that survivors vary in their
responses to their experiences.

I met, this girl, and her name's Jenny. And, I like I knew her,
she played soccer with me, but um, it wasn't until we both had similar
instances [had been raped] that we really got to be friends.

And then, when my [other] friend was raped, she was so sure
about it, so sure that's what happened, like there was no doubt in her
mind, no question. He was like her boyfriend, y'know, she knew that's
what it was. But I still didn't. [When she talks of her friend, she
speaks is a strong voice. The last sentence about herself is spoken

quietly.]

Alice related in her narrative that she has met a number of women who have
been sexually assaulted by an acquaintance and have suppressed their memories of
abuse. When these memories can no longer be contained, or are triggered, these
women often seek help through counseling agencies.

I think that the trends are that the clients [that] have been raped,
either have many perpetrators or one perpetrator, but its always been in
the case of my clients, someone who the clients knew personally and
trusted. Not stranger rape, it's been clients either whose families or
friends abuse them. And so there was always that betrayal of trust.

They tell me why it couldn't have happened the way I think it
happened. Or else someone who says, "I've never gone anywhere, I've
never told anybody for years, and years, and years." And often what
they present, which might be a sexual assault or an attack in adult life,

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reminds them of previous child sexual abuse that they aren't aware of

until they start to talk about it.
Or other times, peOple come in and it's not a specific emergency,

immediate rape situation. They'll come in and they'll say, "I'm just
remembering this for the first time. It's just been going on, it's
something vague, I can't describe it, but I'm having nightmares, I'm
having flashbacks, I'm remembering for the first time that as a child I
was repeatedly sexually abused."

SI 3 . f R . Q I
By accessing the cultural code of emotional expression in the past, the
survivors have been able to behave apprOpriately and make sense of traumatic events.
The women in my research identified control seeking behaviors as the main strategy
survivors utilize in an attempt to fit their experiences into their original cultural code

of emotional expression.

The women involved in my research noted several control seeking behaviors
they had witnessed in other sexual assault survivors that parallel their own reSponses
(Chapter 6 — Being Alone and the Internal Experience). These behaviors included
denial, bathing, self blame, "irrational" cognition, changing clothing style, withdrawal
from physical contact with others, and weight issues. Through these various
behaviors, the survivors attempted to maintain their original cultural codes by altering
their appearance or understanding of the events.

According to the women in my study, by employing the denial strategy, sexual
assault survivors seek to avoid having to manage conflicting messages within

American culture; "rape is a crime" versus "women who are raped are asking for it."

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Denial also allows the women to avoid contending with the failure of the cultural code

to guide them in understanding the events of their assault and behaving accordingly.

Carol: All the same stuff. The denial, the "I can get over this without
any help." "I don't have to worry about it." "I don't have to deal with
it." Or even just plain, "It didn't happen." And that's what I see so
many other peOple going through, too. You see a lot of the same stuff.
I mean, it's just human emotion. That's what the human does.

Alice: The reality is that these were awful people, and especially when
you have to admit that peOple you trusted, and depended on, and relied
on are awful and did this for no reason other than for power, and evil,
and whatever. But sometimes a person would rather believe "I must be
making it up," "I must be crazy," "I must be imagining it," "I must be
embellishing it somehow."

A common, immediate response of women who have been sexually assaulted is
to bathe in an attempt to "wash off" the assault and to feel "clean" again.

Charlotte: I have a very good friend well, she did what many
women do... she took a shower immediately because she felt so dirty.

Sexual assault is both violent and sexual by its nature. In this culture, the violent
aspects of the crime are condemned. The cultural reaction to the sexual aSpect of the
crime is less clearly defined and open to dual meanings; good/clean versus bad/dirty.
The act of self blame provides the survivor with a sense of control over the
events surrounding her assault. By taking responsibility for the sexual assault, the
woman can avoid confronting her helplessness in the situation. In American culture,
self control and freedom of choice are highly prized values. When a sexual assault
occurs, these values are completely eliminated without a corresponding cultural code

for responding and coping with this phenomenon.

Jean: Yeah. 98% percent of them, including myself, blame themselves.
Women blame themselves, and that goes for the lesbian clients that I
have had, which that doesn't make any logical sense whatsoever,

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because they don't deal with men, so how can they be the blame. But
there is still that degree that says that, "I've done something, " and I
think that's the biggest trend... is the trend to blame themselves.

Alice: Well, I think in terms of child sexual abuse the myths are there
because the child is told that at some level. The child is told, "You
wanted this to happen," or "Try to st0p me," and then if you can't stOp
the adult, "Its your fault, or something you did, or said, or didn't do is
why I'm doing this. You're evil, you're bad, you're seducing me." All
the messages that when children are too young to know the difference,
this stuff gets internalized with children.

And I think in some ways women, too. Women will say, "I
shouldn't have dressed that way, I shouldn't have been in a certain place
when I knew no one else would be around, I shouldn't have made this
or that decision."

The underlying thing is, "I was asking for it." And I think, I'd
like to think that its getting better, but part of self-blame I think is a
way of control. Its a way of saying, "I had some control over what
happened to me." "If I hadn't gone to this place, if I hadn't dressed this
way, or if I hadn't done or said this thing, then maybe it wouldn't have
happened."

I think its too scary for survivors in the beginning to accept that
they were, at least at the point of their assaults, they were victims.
They were helpless. They could not have prevented it. They did not
cause it. They did not deserve it, that this was something unpredictable
and out of their control, and I think that's why the myths go on in that
sense, is that after a person's been totally violated, at least in my case, I
want to come up with some rationalization for it. "If I had told
someone, then it wouldn't have happened." Or, "if I had done this or
that," when in fact, the reality is that, "I was victimized." I'm saying

"I," but in general.

An "irrational" cognition is produced in the chaotic vacuum left by the cultural
code of emotional expression. When the survivors seek understanding and
explanations for events not encompassed by the cultural code, they are left without
assistance and guidance. This can lead to feelings of being overwhelmed, lost, and/or
out of control. Under these conditions, the survivors were reported to often find an

idea and cling to it unfailingly until they have developed coping strategies through a

105

redefinition of the code or they have been forced by some event to directly confront

the "irrationality."

Jean: But I never question it, because I understand the irrational process
that goes on in your mind, the little things that you do. Um... One
woman thought her daughter was being molested, but she wouldn't
confront the father, because she just did not want to know. And ah, I
understood that. And peOple just do irrational things to keep control

over whatever sanity they happen to have.
"If I don't go back to this particular place, I'm safe." "If I just

go away for the summer, I'll be over it." "It was my fault, it was my
fault, it was my fault." "If I had just left five minutes later, none of this

would have happened." You getting the feel?
Just cognitive things that make absolutely no sense. They're an

attempt to understand, but they're irrational. I mean, there's no basis for
it, and if you confront someone on them, they're like, "I don't know
why." But they'll stick to them, very adamantly.

Clothing can be described as ordinary, revealing, plain, sexy, drab, fancy, or
any of a myriad of descriptions. The expression, "the clothes make the person,"
indicates the proclivity American culture has for basing judgements about individuals
on physical appearance (Winkler, McMullen and Wininger, 1994). By controlling
clothing, survivors are able to control their image. In this manner, they are able to
non-verbally communicate to others their feelings and self image while controlling to
a large degree others' perceptions of them. Additionally, clothing can offer a measure
of protection against a repeat assault by covering and concealing the woman's body,

the site of the violation of the cultural code.

Jean: The majority of them wear bulky clothes; they won't take their
coat off; wear lots of sweaters, baggy pants, or skirts with tights, not
stockings, tights, boots. Just like layers of clothes. A couple of them
have come right out and say, "I do this." Some of them don't even
realize their doing it. They've got all these clothes on. I don't think
I've ever seen a client who was dressed in shorts, or tank top, or
something like that, short skirt. They like to wear bulky clothes. Those

are the big things.

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Similarly, physical distance protects and conceals the body.

Jean: None of them [sexual assault survivors who she has counseled]
will get close to you. I mean, it's very rare. I've had a couple of
clients who are like, "Can I give you a hug?"

Weight issues are not new to the American woman. POpular culture
emphasizes that to be desirable, a woman must be fit and slender. With the
importance placed on this t0pic, sexual assault survivors often find weight to be
subject to control. By adding or losing weight, a woman can express her "desire" to
be "unattractive" and "safe" from sexual assault. By accessing and combining parts of
the cultural code, fit and slender means sexually desirable, the women can mold the

cultural code to support a focus on weight as an acceptable means of protection,
expression, and control over events. This use of the cultural code ignores the fact that
sexual assault is a crime of violence perpetrated in a sexual manner, and attractiveness
is irrelevant to victimization. By maintaining, gaining, or losing weight, the woman
can gain control over her body in the wake of having that control taken from her by

her assailant. In this manner, the woman is able to gain control over the sexual

assault as well.

Carol: Like my friend Samantha, I don't even think we could carry on
an intelligent conversation about the t0pic [of sexual assault]. I mean,
Samantha is a very, very strong person, but places so much emphasis
on being prim, and being pretty, she's a size 5 and talks constantly
about weight.

I just don't think she's... I don't want to tell somebody else
they're not dealing with their rape... but she isn't. I think she's dealing
with it in her own way, but. Not that I see anything wrong with
remaining a size 5 after being raped, but because she talks about it so
much. I mean, I don't think I've had a conversation with her in three
years that does not involve weight at one time or another. Usually mine
[Carol admits to being about twenty pounds above her ideal weight],

Summary

107

and then talk about how she's trying to stay fit, and how she's gotten
flabby legs. And you look at her and you're like, "Where?"

Many women who have survived sexual assault find they gain from sharing the

experience with others. By relating their experiences to others (idiosyncratic), the

survivors simultaneously re-define and re-structure the cultural code of emotional

expression by building on shared experiences (universal), receive support from others

who are empathetic to their situation, and deveIOp and express resistance to the failure

of the cultural code by disallowing their experiences to be ignored of forgotten

(cultural).

Alice: To me, they [sexual assault survivors] have an integrity about
them. I can say to these clients, "You survived the events, and
therefore, you can survive remembering them." They may not always
be able to accept that, but they have a survival mechanism that's kept
them going for so long that I think the overall outlook is much better
than a lot of people who come in for mental health types of therapy.
You know these peOple are survivors. They may not know it, but you
know from the outset, or I know, when they come to see me that these
people survived. There's no word strong enough to describe the
horrible, horrible experiences and are at least at some level saying, "I
want to share this with another human being. I want to face this."

CHAPTER 9

VICTIM BLAMING AND THE RECONSTRUCTION
OF THE CULTURAL CODE OF EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION

Through the cultural code of emotional expression, emotions are tied to cultural
values and can become a source of resistance (Middleton, 1989; Scheper-Hughes
1982, 1992). Individuals learn that "... emotion-emotion regulation or the power of
one emotion to control another emotion" is essential in order to function in their
culture (Izard, 1983:307). Emotional dissonance, which arises when personal
emotional needs conflict with the cultural expectations, may tell us about underlying
tensions and conflicts that drive behavior (Middleton, 1989).

Theorists have indicated the cultural and political implications of emotions
(Lock, 1993). When the dominant group in a culture gives feedback, "subordinate
groups do not always accept reflected images of themselves, and may choose to
adhere to [a different] emotional style, identity, and [set of] values [that] may be
sufficient to sustain ongoing efforts to defend against outside forces" (Middleton,
1989:198—199).

During the last interview with each woman, I asked her to share with me her

own personal analysis of culture, often stated, "What is it, in your Opinion, about this
culture (society) that caused you (and/or others) to react the way you (they) did?" The

responses were direct and insightful. Each woman articulated her views regarding

108

109

cultural victim blaming tendencies and the reconstruction of the cultural code of
emotional expression by themselves and by those who are "aware" of sexual assault

issues.

W

The women of my study identified resistance to cultural blame of the sexual
assault survivor, or victim blaming, as the foundation of their redefinition of the
cultural code of emotional expression (Brownmiller, 1975; Margolis, 1982; Walker,
1979). This reaction is typified by Lisa's refusal to seek an understanding of sexual
assault within the individual's internalized cultural code.

I'm really good at psychoanalysis I understand the whole
concept, but when you're talking about something like this you don't go
inside the person. Psychoanalysis is to go inside the person to get the
answers, and rape is definitely not something within you.

When I asked the women what aspect or aspects of culture create the
internalized cultural code of blaming the sexual assault survivor, they identified two
areas of contribution: a "patriarchal culture" and the portrayal of sexual assault and
sexual assault survivors in the mass media. These areas combine to create a victim
blaming that influences survivors' reactions to their assaults.

The women of my study described the "patriarchal culture" as historically

defining women as a "form of property." According to the women, this concept of
women as property has a strong unconscious and unrecognized influence on modern

American culture.

Charlotte: And at one time the Church of England regulated the size of
a stick that a man could beat his wife with... "rule of thumb." And so

110

even though we're living in modern times, these things still get handed
down. And society sort of looks the other way.

As property to be owned, women are expected to be "protected" by their

"owner. "

Cami: And why date rape is seen so insignificant, basically, I think it
ties into the prOperty thing. Where if you aren't presently being owned
by a man and with that man, what's wrong with you that you were in
this situation? And you're obviously not owned by your father
anymore, and you don't have a husband there. Where was your
protector?

When a woman is not seen to have an "owner," such as the case of single women or

women who are unescorted, she is viewed as a commodity to be procured.

Lisa: [A man saw Lisa at work and then called there] And this happens
like, I don't know, too much. And I get so angry. And I was like,
"No!" y'know, "I don't want to go out with you, you don't know me!"
Alotta peOple would've been flattered by that, but I can't be flattered by
it, I get really angry, really upset, ‘cause to me... I was no different than
the clothes he's in there sh0pping for. Y'know, I was just this person
that he saw, and was like, "Oh, that's really nice. Maybe I'll buy it."
And-and that's kinda the way I felt with that guy. He didn't care. He
didn't care at all. Men, feel that they have every right to talk to you
because, you're a woman, in a city.

The theme of women as prOperty is influential in the creation an application of

victim blaming. Culture, when defining the role for women, does not allow for

modern American lifestyles in which women are independent.

Carol: It seems that women are still locked at as being possessions,
something that needs to be protected and taken care of. When for some
reason we step outside of our chosen designated role and are sexually
active, and for some reason that backfires on us and we just happen to
be raped along the way, that's because we were stepping outside of our
role.

Jean: There's a big push in America for individualism, self-
deterrnination. We are what we make. You know, the Heratio Alger
stories. He did not become rich because he was given rich, or

111

something happened to him. There was no fate. It was because he
worked hard. So there‘s this belief in America that people get what
they deserve, and that means that you get a lot, or you get raped,
because you deserve it.

Lisa: But the way it happened, things like that also make me wonder,
y'know, it's-it's not supposed to, you're supposed to be strong and say,
"No, that's wrong!" but, y'know, when you hear things like that...
y'know, if the stranger did it... I could prove to myself that I wasn't bad
at all, that I was completely a victim. In a way, I was, consented to
being this man's friend.

Thus, women are placed in a double-bind, fulfilling two separate roles as independent

(valued by modern American culture) and dependent (on men, the expected female

role). Jean argues that women are often caught between these roles.

She's following a cultural script which put her in a perfect
position [vulnerable to assault]. That women say no, but they mean
yes, and women need to be convinced that they want to have sex. The
fact of the matter is, if you ask a woman if she wants to have sex, she'll
tell you!

The view of women as property, requiring men as owners and protectors is further
accentuated by the culturally stereotyped mass media portrayals of sexual assault and
sexual assault survivors.

With modern communication technology, the mass media has become a major
source of information regarding sexual assault and sexual assault survivors. The
women in my study defined mass media portrayals as being often erroneous and
misleading, deSpite the body of information about these issues generated by sources
such as feminist authors and sexual assault crisis and counseling agencies.

Jean: Well, I think that's true of any minority group, where there's a
myth, a stereotype. Society as a larger group, media plays into it, needs
some way of reaching out to the peOple so they pick a stereotype, and

that way it's easy. Everybody knows what your talking about. When
they're talking about a rape, they can be talking about this person. And

112

if they don't fall into that category, which they never do, then they
become deserving of it, or that's such a pity that it happened to you, but
somehow you brought it on yourself.

In their analysis, the women repeatedly commented that sexual assault is often
portrayed by the mass media in a dramatic and sensationalized manner. These
portrayals create an atmOSphere of dissonance that devalues the traumatic content and
validity of most sexual assaults.

Charlotte: It's made into sensationalized movies, or sensationalized
books, but the real story is never told. The real pain is never told. It
was like all these women that went through it. You know, like a
woman is raped by 40 men and cut up and dismembered, and then
everybody goes wild and crazy.

There was an incident not so long ago in Baltimore where a
woman in a nursing home who was something like 82, was raped.
That's not sex; that's rape.

Isabella: Because the way we traditionally look at rape as a man in a
dark comer coming out at you and attacking you. Not where you're the
woman. You've pretty much done everything with this person, but yet
you don't allow one act.

The women contend that the unbalanced, negative portrayals of sexual assault
survivors in the mass media serves to misinforrn the members of modern American

culture through

Carol: Their lack in knowledge in it [sexual assault]. The fact that the
media could be so stupid [angered and disgusted her].

Modern American culture holds the stereotype that women who are sexually assaulted
are lacking in intellect and good judgement.
Jean: They always warn you about these dumb country-hick peOple

who go to colleges and end up getting raped ‘cause they are just too
trusting.

113

Based on the mass media, sexual assault survivors fall into several erroneously
stereotyped roles. Often these define the survivor as being incapable of c0ping with
the events or personally deficient in some manner.

Carol: I think, some of this you might know from me, the victim,
leaving them in victim status for longer than they're wanting to be
called victims. That we're little women that need to be taken care of
and victims constantly thereafter. We're always going to be looking our
[our] shoulder. We're always going to be worrying another guy is going
to do this to us. We're always going to be in that fluttery state of not
being able to handle it. I see that a lot, whenever somebody in the
movies is portrayed as being raped. Then they totally go into denial
right then and doesn't show up again for the rest of the movie. Or like
"The Accused" with Jody Foster. I thought that was pretty realistic,
where when she was gang raped the lawyer, her own lawyer who was a
woman, didn't believe that she could even stand trial. That she wouldn't
be able to handle it. When she wanted to. I see a lot of victim
blaming and then leaving the person in the victim role, to sum that up.

Charlotte: There was a woman that was raped, she was on the Oprah
show and she was raped in Chicago in broad day light in a train station,
and everybody saw it, but nobody helped her. And when she went to
go to court, she was so locked up within herself that she was very calm
and very quiet, and they said, "Well, she's too calm and too quiet, and
that she should raving hysterically." Well, there's a period there where
you just become numb, and I think it's a very judgmental thing. Men,
unless they are raped in prison or for whatever, of a case like incest,
don't realize what it does to a woman. Women don't even realize what
it does to other women.

Due to these erroneous stereotypes, the failure of the cultural code is demonstrated
through the miscommunication between the dominant culture and the sexual assault
survivors.

The failure of the cultural code to define sexual assault and sexual assault
survivors, the erroneous stereotypes, and the misunderstandings and insensitivity of
other cultural participants often combines to create a silence among survivors

stemming from the fear of exposure.

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Jean: The statistics from the National Crime Center say that 70% of
rape victims in 1991-92, 70% of rape victims did not want their family
or friends to find out they had been raped. 69% were afraid that they
would be viewed as the person to blame. And 50, 60% were afraid that
their names would be made public in the media. Now, that says
something to me about women's beliefs and perceptions.

A fear of exposure as a sexual assault survivor and the resulting reactions of others
contribute to the silence among survivors.

Carol: Prosecution was always a weird topic for me. Just because
knowing how the laws worked at the time. I've never even bothered to
find out if laws are retroactive, where if like I was to go back and talk
about what was going to happen to me when I was 14, would the rape
shield laws still apply? Will they have been able to bring up my
history since then, or anything like that? There is absolutely no
physical evidence, obviously, absolutely nothing to go on besides my
word against his. And I wasn't sure I wanted to be put through that. I
mean, it was just, you always hear the horror stories, what happens to a
woman on a stand. To blame her for it and all the other stuff.

As Jean explains, the fear of public exposure is only a part of the reason sexual
assault survivors are compelled to maintain their silence.

I don't really blame women for wanting to just forget about the
whole thing. And I don't think it would be so hard to come forward
and say, to fight against, it's one thing fight against peOple you don't
know who say that its your fault. It's another thing to fight against your
family and friends who say that it's your fault.

I knew that I couldn't tell my parents, because, they would make
too much of a big deal out of it. And I didn't want publicity, I just
wanted it to go away. I think that if it had been a stranger jumping out
of the bush I'd probably tell my parents right away and I wouldn't have
to worry about all those rape myths.

After a listening to a conversation among her male friends, the threat of disbelief and
discredit was brought into stark relief for Lisa.

The one guy's going to be a lawyer and I told him about that [a

Pennsylvania court case regarding rape] how they overturned [a rape

conviction], and um, he looks at me and goes, "Yeah." He like, "but it
was," he goes, "he had a misdemeanor on abuse." And he's like, "No

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he wasn't tried for rape, but he got a misdemeanor for sexual abuse.
80, y'know, in effect, it was good enough."

And I sat there, and then he starts going on, about how he
doesn't think that it's right, that women can cry these things, and that,
y'know the court systems are like, "Ohhh" [indicating sympathy]. He's
like, "Rape is the only thing in the world where the man is guilty until
proven innocent." And um, he's going on about how that's so unfair,
how it's so wrong, how, y'know, any woman who's a good enough
actress can get away with it. How the only thing that proves it is if you
go to the, hOSpital right away, and get like um, semen taken, but even
then, who's to say that it wasn't consensual? And he's just going on and
on and on.

And then the other guy, who knew that I was raped, he was
talking about sexual harassment. And he starts talking about how,
y'know, "You can't even work with a woman, and the glass ceiling's
there because, it's always gonna be there because, there afraid to let
women in high positions because, immediately it changes, immediately
men have to start-start tip-toeing around them."

And this guy, he's talking about the glass ceiling said, this is
what hurt me, he said um, he goes, "Y'know," he like, "I had a friend in
high school, that, got, um, stranger raped." He's like, "She had fifteen
stitches in her face." And he was talking about all the bruises she had,
he goes, "I don't want anyone who is ever acquaintance raped, to ever
think that they've gone through what she did." I just sat there. And I
almost wish, that I had sixteen stitches on my face, ‘cause I could
justify it. And they were just talking about this forever, and I was
getting really mad, and I just got up and left the room.

If I could go back, I'd handle it all differently. I never would've
gone back to his place. I did. And a lot of peOple say that was the
crime, that I went back to his place. I've been told that.

Additionally, there are many cultural messages communicated to an individual during

her/his upbringing that influence the manner in which sexual assault is viewed.
Isabella: I've been brought up in my family that you never tease a man.
If you tease a man and he gets angry, he's going to have his way with
you and there's not much you can do. So I was always taught never to
give a little bit without realizing that I might have to give everything.
We've been taught in society to give in.

According to the women of my study, the erroneous portrayals and acceptance

of the stereotypes of sexual assault and sexual assault survivors through the mass

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media is a reflection of the victim blaming that occurs within modern American
culture. The view of women as property, requiring men as owners and protectors
combined with erroneous portrayals of sexual assault and sexual assault survivors
creates shame, guilt, and cultural, individual, and self blame of the survivor. Due to
these effects, survivors may refuse to define their experiences as sexual assault and
will seek to redefine the events, thereby avoiding the tensions and victim blaming

created by the failure of the cultural code.

Lisa: I started like going into this... the whole greek thing, the whole
like, women as submissive thing. Because I thought, maybe if I bought
into that, that a rape wouldn't have occurred. And I just would have
been... a dumb girl. I'm just got... in a dumb situation. And I thought,
y'know, I could just pretend it's like a situation like that, I could just
pawn it off.

Shame, as associated with sexual assault, is a common result of cultural
expectations of the erroneously portrayed sexual assault stereotypes and cultural
expectations of a woman's sexual behavior. The combination of these factors is
apparent in Jean's analysis of her own rape experience.

I was ashamed that I could be raped in the manner that I was
raped, which was not being taken by force. It was a very innocuous
setting. So, in some respects I was just so ashamed of it, I had spent all
this time saying, "Oh, I always know what I want from this." And I
always put forth clear limits and then turn around and... [was raped].
Clear proof that anybody can be raped. So that's where a lot of it came
from, and then the rest of it came from societal reactions.

In Carol's view, the basis of shame permeates the culture.

Because we live in a stupid... patriarchal society where we aren't
even allowed to talk about sex openly, let alone bad sexual behaviors.
Our stupid society doesn't even let us say the word masturbation in
public. How can we say rape without having to feel shame along with
it?

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Feelings of guilt are closely associated with shame, and can be attributed to the
culture's victim blaming and stereotyped views of women and sexual assault.

Jean: I mean you can't come home and say, if you came home and
said, "I was robbed"... you wouldn't feel guilty about it. But the way
society is set up, you feel guilty, because somebody took your virginity
from you. Somehow, that made me less of a person. And... I never
really believed that it made me less of a person, but, I couldn't st0p my
feelings from... feeling like something wrong had happened.

The women of my study indicated that cultural, individual, and self blame stem
from modern American culture's tendency to blame the sexual assault survivor. The
women linked these victim blaming tendencies to contradictory role expectations of
women and the failure of the cultural code.

Jean: With self-blame, you said 99% of sexual assault survivors go
through the self-blame. Why is this so?

Society I think, that there is the belief that if women are having
sex is because they want to. So even if she had a knife held to her
throat, that she must have done something to provoke it.

And I don't think that paranoid women are the only ones that get
raped. So, I think that there's a lot of self—blame because there's a real
push for it. In fact, I think women are encouraged to blame themselves.

Charlotte: There's a lot of blame put on women. "If you wouldn't have
been walking that time of night; if you wouldn't have been dressed the
way you were; if you wouldn't have maybe looked at him in a certain
way; if you wouldn't be working that type of a job; you put yourself in
that situation." That's just the way men look at it. They don't look at it
that maybe this woman is a single mother and has to have two or three
jobs, and has to be a waitress late at night, or a nurse and working night
shift and come home, and take a bus. Maybe she doesn't have enough
money for a car, because she wants her kids to have good day care, so
she gets raped. "Well, why were you out that late at night? Why were
you walking alone? Why are you working that late? Why don't you
work a regular day shift?" Because she wants to be home with her
children, okay, during the day, get them off to school and then be there
when they come home. I will gather that no matter however its played,
the woman is always at fault. Society somehow always blames the
woman for something.

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After listening to the women's explanations Of how the erroneous portrayal of
women and the stereotypical Opinions regarding sexual assault combined in the wake
of the cultural code of emotional expression to create cultural victim blaming, I asked
each woman why she thought this was the cultural construction. The reply to my
inquiry was consistent among each woman, cultural avoidance.

Lisa: Women [as compared to men], they know exactly what it [sexual
assault] is, they know exactly... m-most every woman I know knows all
the statistics on it, knows everything, fears it. And pretty much
everyone I know has a friend who's gone through it.

Jean: So there's this belief in America that people get what they
deserve, and that means that you get a lot, or you get raped, because
you deserve it. And its held onto very strongly, and its not just by men,
although a lot Of men will say, "Well, she went along."

And I think that there's two things going on. In men's minds, if
they admit that some guy could rape this woman, then what's to stOp
themselves from doing the same kind of thing. And I think that women
are thinking, "Well if some guy raped this woman, then what's to stOp
him from raping me, too."

And I think that's very hard to deal with, because nobody likes
to live in fear. I mean, there's a lot of it was the power of control and
the vulnerableness. And the fact that there is so much emphasis placed
on that penis in the vagina, when that isn't really what rape is all about
anyways. It's about the psychological things that happen, the control
and the emotional aspects. No matter how it happened, no matter what
is was that happened, there's always that element, and I think that's what
characterizes it. There's always that focus on the physical act. Not
what really counts.

They never focus on what really counts. They always focus on
the peripheral stuff.

Who's they?

Men, women, society, hOSpitals, police. So there's a dog barking
in the background. Who cares? Who cares if there's a- and why is that
women will focus in on that? Why was that I focused in on the fact the
dashboard was green? Because it was such an emotionally traumatic
experience that that is what I remember, everything about that
experience. The dashboard was green, because that's when it hit me
what happened.

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And it's not the fact that rape victims remember stupid trivial
details. It's the fact that that's the emotional trauma. And I think that
happens in a lot of trauma cases.

So, its the emotional and psychological things that are the
important things in your opinion, yet society just ignores that?

Mm—mm. Because that's too painful. That's too painful to deal
with if you deal with the actual... what's going on. Because its
vulnerability, and peOple... I don't like it... peOple don't like to feel
vulnerable. Denial. "I don't want to deal with that. If she's vulnerable,
that means I could be, too."

So, instead you are saying, "How many knife wounds did you
have?" Besides, it doesn't make good news. Vulnerability doesn't make
good news. Blood and guts makes good news. "And this is the scene
where she was tied for seven days." Who cares? I mean, it's important
because it's eye Opening, but the reason why it makes peOple feel so
terrible to watch that, and they cannot draw themselves away from it, in
my Opinion, why I can't draw myself away from it is because Of the
emotional trauma link there. They never talk about that. Hard COpy
doesn't ever pick up on that.

Charlotte: In 1972—73, there were no rape crisis centers, and rape was
not a thing that you can say to your best friend, "Oh, guess what. Can I
sit down and talk to you about my rape?" That was every woman's
worst fear. So, I just sublimated it. Incest is always swept under the
rug, and now people are beginning to talk about it. Rape is something
that's talked about. But we don't teach, I don't think we can teach our
daughter's properly. And I don't think we teach the police person,
whether it be male or female.

Because it's an ugly subject to deal with, and it's frightening.
Women don't... I think rape is the woman's number one fear, and it's
also a husband's fear about his wife, and you don't talk about it. It's too
dangerous to talk about it.

Is it a kind of societal protective defense mechanism or
something like that?

Yeah, and by doing that, it makes the society allow it more.

And the more people I talked to, the more people I found out... and I
sat down with a group of Jewish women, and four out of those five
Jewish women either went through incest or rape. But it's never talked
about. SO, it just has to be this great big Old, ugly, dirty secret that
nobody talks about unless something really wild happens.

Rape and sex are two different things. Sex is Okay to talk about,
because it's part Of life, it's for love, it's for procreation. Rape is
danger.

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Alice described the blame, disbelief, and discrediting incest survivors as part of the
cultural avoidance.

Basically, its the denial that there could be child sexual abuse.
That children have over—active imaginations, that children are very
suggestible, and that parents, or therapists, either way, put this in a
person's mind and that it isn't really from the child.

The insensitivity of cultural members and their tendency to discredit and
disbelieve the survivor's experience stems from the failure Of the cultural code of
emotional expression to provide cultural members with a means of negotiating the
events surrounding a sexual assault and from the cultural avoidance phenomenon.

Charlotte: And you hear the horror stories. I remember being, when I
was in the rape crisis group, this one young woman, her family said she
was a liar. She was just kind of making this story up because she
wanted attention, and how dare she, because she knew her rapist and
they knew him. And he was from a nice family, and he was a nice
guy, and they wouldn't buy it.

But the majority of women, if family bought it but the husband
didn't buy it. Maybe the husband bought it, but the family didn't buy it.
Maybe nobody bought it, or "Well, you asked for it."

I have a very good friend, she took a shower immediately
because she felt so dirty, and then she called the police. And then the
police looked at her and said, "Did you have an orgasm?" There was a
judge that was quoted in Time Magazine in the rape Of an eleven year
Old girl, "Well, if the rape is inevitable, she should lay back and enjoy
it." I have lots Of friends who went through this with police, with
judges, even with doctors. And you hear the horror stories.

I've seen that on TV where men say, "Well, the way women
dress, they're just asking for it." And then you have the story about the
gal up in... I forgot what state it was, where she was raped on the pool
table for hours before somebody called the police, and then everybody
thought it was a joke. And she eventually killed herself. SO the horror
stories, they're also on Sally Jessie Raphael and Oprah. Some women
have good experiences, but they are far and few between.

I had another friend who had a worse experience with a female
officer than the male Officer, because she said, "Well, you could have
kicked him." She's 5'2" and this guy was 6'4". She could have kicked
him? Kicked him where? I mean, there's no sensitivity. There's a lack
of sensitivity there.

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Alice: I think as a cultural thing, the whole basis, I think part of it is
disbelief, and part of it is that peOple just weren't educated or informed
as to how to deal with it. Like we as sexual assault counselors have
been trained how to reSpond, how to listen, how to get peOple to talk
about their memories, and I think that at least this was in the late
1980s.

8 'lCllGIEE‘IE'

My inquiries into the women's perceptions and analysis of culture revealed the
reconstruction Of the cultural code. The women expressed their anger toward the
cultural tendencies of victim blaming and the occasional victim pity.

Jean: "Poor thing." I hate being pitied. I hate it, hate it, hate it! Oh!
They either blame you or they pity you. There's no middle ground.

Charlotte: I don't want anybody's pity. I want to be understood, about
women suffer... and they suffer many years later. I think a lot of
people, when they found out, was "Oh, you poor thing." I'm not a
thing. Pity and sympathy sort of go together. And it's sort of, when
you sympathize with someone, you're looking down on them as sort of
"better you than me." "I feel sorry for you, but better you than me."
Whereas empathy is, "Gosh, that was horrible. You really must have
gone through hell. I don't know how you really feel, but if you want to
talk to me about it, I'll listen." Sympathy is more, "I feel bad it
happened, but I just don't want to hear about it." Or, "Well, gee, how
did you live through that? Poor baby." That get's me so mad. I lived
through it because I was strong, and God helped me, and I decided that
this man was not going to kill me. So, I don't want any pity. I think
women have to learn they have to be survivors.

In the aftermath of the emotional turmoil brought about by the trauma of
sexual assault, the women in my research found themselves questioning and rejecting

cultural "norms."

Jean: But the current trend in America is tO say that women shouldn't
go out alone at night because they could get raped. SO why don't we
just keep men locked up at night instead of telling women to stay
locked up at night? If men are so incapable of controlling these urges

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to rape women, why don't we just keep them locked up at night? But
that's absurd, so therefore, women have to protect themselves, because if
they're not, they're asking for it.

Charlotte: And Sarah's comment was, technically in 1990, a woman
technically should be able, should be able, to walk down the street
naked without being raped. Someone, of course, should call the police
and throw a blanket around her. But that does not give peOple the right
just to rape her." And of course, that's not true.

The reconstruction of the cultural code resisted the dominant culture's victim blaming.

Carol: I think [sexual assault survivors] we're viewed kind of as being
stupid, for being where we were at the time, for whatever we were
wearing that would have caused this. Whatever way we were acting
that made the man act this way. Because of course, those hormones
just don't kick into play without a woman doing something to cause it.
I don't know. I see a lot of victim blaming and then leaving the person
in the victim role.

The reconstructed code also provided a definition of sexual assault.

Lisa: [Defining sexual assault] (she sighs) Um, I personalize it. Um, it
means...one night, a couple years ago, where a man took a lot away
from me. Where he took my self respect, he took my, urn, confidence,
he took my self worth, and um, he took, y'know, he took away like my
ability to trust men. And then, when I think of it in a broader sense, I
apply that to all the women who‘ve been [sexually assaulted], and to the
words [sexual assault]. It's when those things have been taken away.

This process Of reconstruction lead to what the women in my study described
as a "sub-culture." The women explicitly defined and described this "sub-culture" as
consisting of individuals who are aware of sexual assault issues. Carol includes
individuals with awareness of sexual assault issues as part of the sub-culture.

I think it's more Of a "we", as in peOple who are aware of it.
Because there definitely is a community Of women who are aware and
there's some men in it to. I'm not going to totally rule men out. I

could at times. But there is definitely a community of awareness. Then
there's levels of awareness even in that community. And there are still

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women who have been raped that don't fit in at all, but what I mean by
somebody having awareness, but they just don't want to deal with it.

In response to my question of who she includes in the sub-culture and why, she

replied

because there are certain peOple who are ready to be able to say the
word rape, who are able to say it, not actually so much as publicly, but
in a public type fashion. Like in a group of people, or who are able to
talk about it as being something that does happen and not have to
whisper about it. That are willing to look up in books, maybe, or
newspaper articles, or follow a story in the news what's going on
currently with rape and rape laws. Like the whole crime bill. People
who might keep up on that. Or who might be following pomography
and tying that into rape. Or, you know, people who generally keep
aware.

A sexual assault survivor becomes part of the "sub—culture" after her/his

assault. The "sub—culture" provides support (from other survivors) and the means to

interpret the events surrounding the sexual assault by Offering a redefined or

reconstructed cultural code of emotional expression. This "sub-culture" is not highly

visible due to the blame and stigma placed on sexual assault and sexual assault

survivors by the dominant culture.

Jean: The sub-culture says things like "I didn't think it could happen to
me." Basically saying, "Here are the rape myths and this is why they're
myths." "I didn't think it could happen to me." "I didn't really want to
do that, but he went ahead and did it anyway, so." And then society
saying, "you deserved it", at the same time that she's saying "I didn't
think it could happen to me."

So it becomes the sub-culture because the only thing that holds
you altogether is the fact that you've been through a similar violating
experience. But that's about where the similarity ends. There are so
many different [forms Of sexual assault]. But society likes to lump it
all together. "You've been raped. Oh, someone jumped out of a bush
with a knife, held it to your throat, held you down, raped you. NO real
physical damage, just a little bit, maybe'some bruises, some tears, and
left." Isn't that nice and neat? It's neat, put in a category. And that's
not how it happens.

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So, the reason why the sub—culture forms is because so many
people have experienced the same thing. Just like blacks have
traditionally formed a sub—culture of society because there is no place
for them in the stereotype. SO it becomes a sub-culture because society
will label it that. This group of peOple, and they—they refuse to follow
the norm. Well, the fact of the matter is nobody ever follows the norm.
The norm is something that is just made up, and yes, it is an average,
but, you know, its all compiled together, but its not real. There is no
person who fits into that category. The culture basically isolates itself
from rape victims and says, "We don't want anything to do with you.
We don't want to believe that could happen to us. SO, we'll make up all
of these myths..."

Carol explained that one Of the results of entering into this sub-culture over
time was that she more aware of sexual assault issues and realized that

it wasn't just me anymore, it was other peOple... and I think that helped
normalize it a lot for me.

By providing her with support of others with similar experiences and a reconstruction
of the cultural code, Carol gained insight and understanding of her sexual assault.
This seems to be a common effect for members, as well as an goal of the members.

Lisa: But, like I don't feel uncomfortable talking about it. Y'know, if
it's going to help someone, I'll tell them because it's nothing I did. And
that's just like when you were like talking before about the privacy
issue, it's nothing I did. SO even if my name was used, that's fine, I'm a
victim. It's nothing that I did to myself.

Charlotte: And I think that the more women talk about it, and I don't
mean just talking in general. I mean keep repeating the story over and
over again, even though I have repeated it like a thousand times, it can
be talked about a thousand more times. Because each time I talk about
it, something releases within me. And I found out through talking
within the community that there are a lot women there, and it's wrong.

And I think there's a lot of pain and I just hOpe you continue
doing your work and working with women and telling them that they're
going to be okay. It's just going to take time.

Alice: I don't want to paint a whole bleak picture, because I think there
are more and more survivors are coming out and telling. And I think
there is a growing network Of therapists, police, hOSpital peOple, crisis

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intervention peOple who are banding together and educating each other,
and knowing that this, as horrible as anything it is, it's real, it's
believable, and you face that, and only then can you do something about
it. If you close your eyes to it and say oh no, these things don't happen,
then it just continues to go on. But I think there are a growing number

of people.
I think in the next few years that more and more will come out

to validate what's happening to incest and rape survivors and how to
break that cycle.

Summary

In their analysis of culture, the women of my study describe culture as being
heavily influenced by "historical patriarchy" and sensationalized mass media portrayals
of sexual assault and sexual assault survivors that leads to victim blaming. This
victim blaming creates silence among survivors, discredit and disbelief of the
survivor's experience, and places blame on the survivor. DeSpite information to the
contrary, victim blaming persists due to the phenomenon Of cultural avoidance.

In response to the influence of victim blaming, the women describe the
reconstruction of the cultural code of emotional expression and the development of a
"sub—culture" of individuals who are "aware" of sexual assault issues. This "sub—
culture" attempts to provide support, insight, and understanding for its' members in
order tO bring about change in the erroneous stereotypes and portrayals of sexual
assault survivors. In this manner, survivors are able to incorporate idiosyncratic
experiences of sexual assault into universal themes of responses (i.e. support and
providing a definition of sexual assault) and direct these themes into "sub—cultural"

resistance of victim blaming and reconstruction of the cultural code Of emotional

expression.

CHAPTER 10

SUMMARY AND CONCLUSIONS

As can be seen from the proceeding chapters, there are similarities and
differences in the reactions and emotional expressions of sexual assault survivors that
occur in the wake of the failure in the cultural code of emotional expression. The
forms of these reactions and expressions are examined using universal, cultural, and
idiosyncratic themes.

Universal themes are demonstrated throughout this thesis as the various
emotional reactions and the experience of sexual assault the women of my study
expressed. These reactions first included avoidance behaviors such as feeling numb,
viewing events as "dream—like" or "unreal," withdrawal from others and activities,
denial, and avoiding the geographical location of the assault; second feelings about self
and events such as guilt, shame, anger, unworthy of love, and dirty; and third issues of
sexuality. These reactions are reflected by the reSponses of other rape survivors
(Chapter 8) and by the rape trauma syndrome (Winkler, McMullen, and Wininger,
1994). Cultural themes in this study include how the experience is defined and the
influence of family and cultural values on the woman's construction Of her experience.

The idiosyncratic themes of emotional expression varied among the women in my

study.

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These themes develOp throughout this thesis as illustrative of culture as a
creative process in which cultural members gain meaning and understanding of events
(Geertz, 1973). This thesis demonstrates the complexity of finding meaning in
traumatic events, particularly when the cultural code of emotional eXpression fails. In
the absence of the cultural code, individuals seek meaning internally, within
themselves and their own experiences, and externally, from others. This process of
seeking and finding meaning is a continual process as indicated by the women's
discussions of changes in their understandings and definitions of their experiences over
time.

As shown in this thesis, the cultural code of emotional expression continues to
fail for the survivors of sexual assault and their significant others deSpite the research,
literature, and human and institutional resources that are available. This raises several
questions. First, if the cultural code is failing for this group (survivors and significant
Others), what group does the cultural code support? Why does ambiguity exist in the
definition of rape and incest? Why as a culture, are we unable or unwilling to
develOp a process or cultural code for dealing with sexual assault?

There are two main advantages to using a qualitative, narrative analysis method
in this type of research. First, by presenting individual narratives of sexual assault
experiences, the topic can be developed and understood on a personal and individual
level. As a result, this type of research can bring a "human" element to the
quantitative studies by enabling the reader to perceive the survivors Of sexual assault
as individuals rather than depersonalized statistics. Second, the use of a narrative

analysis allows the survivors to mediate their expressions of their emotions in their

 

128

own ways. That is to say, the women in my study were able to insert their emotions
where they needed and wanted in order to express their experiences in their own
universal, cultural, and idiosyncratic ways with few or no external expectations
imposed upon them. In this manner, the women were able to express their own
definitions, meanings, and understandings Of their personal experiences.

This thesis is limited in a number of ways and is presented as a introduction to
this area Of research. The main limiting factor Of this study was the sample. The
sample did not control for age, ethnicity, type of sexual assault, or post-assault
experiences such as receiving counseling, medical attention, or legal recourse. This
led me to make logical, but blind leaps in attributing responses and expressions to
universal, cultural, and idiosyncratic themes. Future research of this nature conducted
with a larger sample size and with greater controls of demographic characteristics of
the sample could yield more definitive information on these themes. By accessing
support groups and/or mental health agencies, these variables could be better
controlled.

The approach taken in this thesis differs from other sexual assault literature by
develOping sexual assault as an example of a failure in the cultural code of emotional
expression. In the examination of women's experiences and expressions of sexual
assault, universal, cultural, and idiosyncratic themes are identified and developed.
Based on this type of research, information can be gained that may aid mental health
professionals to better apply interventions, health professionals may be able to improve
care provision to survivors, and employees of the legal system may be better equipped

to handle sexual assault cases. This information may also help to better educate the

129

public on the tOpic of sexual assault, and the survivors and their significant Others may
gain improved services and support for coping with their experiences.

Future research should consider not only increasing the sample size, but
diversifying the population of the study to include different racial/ethnic groups, men
as well as women, differing sexual preferences, and different demographic
characteristics such as level of education, occupation, socioeconomic status, age,
geographical region, and survivors in different countries. Additionally, future research
may consider using the prOposed framework Of the cultural code of emotional
expression to examine other areas of cultural ambiguity such as aging and dying,
families of missing persons or homicide/suicide victims, menOpause, mental illness, or

traumatic injury.

APPENDIX A

W

A. Current Information:

Age, education (yours/your parents), phone and address, date of interviews, ethnicity,
religious commitment, occupation (current/goals), where from

B.

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Circumstances of the rape

When were you raped? How old were you? Were you a virgin at the time?
What happened? (Once? Several times? Several men? Known Assailant? etc.)
Can you outline a quick chronology Of what you did after being raped? (This
can give real guidance to approach)

Contact with professionals

Did you take any legal action? (Police report? Lawsuit? Restraint order? etc.)
How long after?

How were you treated? (Allowed breaks? Support? etc.)

Did the immediate treatment by these professionals have any effect on your self—
esteem/—image?

Did you seek medical attention? (What kind? Rape kit? STD/AIDS testing? etc.)
How long after?

Did you tell the examiner that you were raped?

How were you treated? (Allowed breaks? Support? etc.)

Did the immediate treatment by these professionals have any effect on your self-
esteem/—image?

Friends and Family

Did you tell peOple you know? (Relatives? Friends? etc.)

Who did you tell?

How long after?

How did they react?

How did their reactions make you feel about yourself?

Prior to you rape, did you know anyone who had been raped? .
What was your relationship to that individual? How did you feel about her/him?

Did your feelings change?

130

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131

Did you tell that person about your rape? When? Why? How did s/he react?
How did their reactions make you feel about yourself?

Continued contact with professionals (counseling)

Did you seek counseling?

How long after?

Why did you seek counseling? (Pressure from friends/family? Felt you were
going crazy? etc.)

How long did you go?

How did counseling effect your view of the rape and of yourself?

Self description and trauma

I . 'IE' lit '1

Did you change your behavior toward others? How? Why?
During this period, did those you know change the way they treated/interacted
with you? How? Why do you think they changed?

Attitudeugeneral)
How did your attitudes change during this period?
Body ritual changes

Did you change your clothing style? How? Why?

Did you change your sleeping habits? How? Why?

Did you change your hair style? How? Why?

Did you change your use of makeup? How? Why?

Did you change your eating habits? How? Why?

Did you change your bathing habits? How? Why? . .
Did you change (begin/increase/decrease) your smoking, drinkrng, and/or taking
drugs? How? Why? Results?

Did you change your exercise habits? How? Why?

Did you change jobs? How? Why?

Did you change residence? How? Why?

Would you like to add anything to the changes in your behaviors that I neglected
to ask about?

BIBLIOGRAPHY

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