990 4 April 1990 Vol.I No.19 What's shakin' : Dr. Sex treads more virgin groundl Insights on racism. p. 7 MSU's alternative and truly independent voice o Legalization ralliers to return ... o Groovy editorials .. . o Geek of the Week .. . o Columns galore ... o Comics, Out & About ... o Laurie Anderson gets raves ... p.3 p.4 p.5 p. 6-7 p. 9-10 p. 12 MSU papers get JOA by abe washerman uR-Snoozing media correspondent Don't attempt to adjust your set - what you see before you is really hap pening. Negotiations Completed in the wee-wee hours Tuesday have brought MSU its first Joint Operating Agree ment, as the uR-1 and State News merged business operations to form the uR-Snoozing. Pu{suan\ \o \\le "\ ~?~ Newspaper Preservation Act passed by Congress, the State News filed for the JOA as the failing paper, despite efforts to overcome mismanagement and reader disdain with a recent student . tax increase. The uR-1, the oft-scorned and poorly-ed it tabloid rag so many students have come to (d)read Wednesday mornings (or afternoons if they can't get their act together), also encountered financial difficulties which uR-1 executive editor M.L. Elrick congratulates State News Editor-In-Chief John Secor on making the big time. · - uR-Snoozing photo/RUSSELL "the muscle" YANTIS · eventually led to their acceptance of a JOA, which it enters as the dominant newspaper. Under a JOA, papers merge business operations but maintain separate - and in this case, unequal PROVOC A POPPA?! Judge says allegations fail to raise· item by jerome giggles uR-Snoozing courts correspondent LAS VEGAS- Citing a failure to provide "hard" evidence, 69th U.S. District Judge Hank M. High threw out a paternity suit against the Provocateur. "Based on common sense and expert medical testimony, the plaintiff has failed to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the defendant did or could have executed the necessary maneuvers that would result in the plaintiff's condition," High said, adding "In fact, I believe it may be years before the young scoundrel will be up to the task; if you will." The decision capped four months of headlines and court action that began when Gigg L. Puss (no relation to this reporter), a Las Vegas show girl who has been linked to Don Johnson and other leading men, alleged that the sharp tongued and wily Provoc had certain relations with her that resulted in her being with child. Puss raised the curtain on what was . to become a media circus. Close on the heels of a court decision that Donald Trump would have to surrender all of his fortune to Boy's Town, as reparations for besmirching the institution of matrimony in the Ivana Trump-Marla Maples-Skippy the See PACIFIED, p. 2 - editorial departments. The ar rangement has worked wonderfully for the Detroit News and Detroit Free Press, involved in the country's most recent JOA. Readers have expressed no confusion over the new beast and, in fact, love the heck out of it. A JOA lasts 1 oo years. State News Editor-in-Chief John Secor said he was unhappy that the paper had to resort to a JOA, but that he looked forward io the new chal lenge. "I'm unhappy that the paper had to resort to a JOA, but I look forward to the new challenge," he said. Al Swartzell, general manager of the State News, brings his golden touch to the new entity with more enthusiasm than he has ever mus tered. "Z," he said. uR-1 Executive Ego M. L. Elrick had this to say: "Those other two guys, I agree with them." 1~1ron~ talii :R:'-tfrtp:~: :1:1g \ :~~?;~:~~ji~:correspo:nde~: / . .. ·>'.-···· ._.. :· ·•: . · .. •:.e~f1~~°t~J1~~:r,&.i1~tid~fecfor·::.· •arid tfie·athleik:. diredor.::01eci held ·: ... Mfr~s§tjryfefonc;~ $Y.~~y, ±110• · : n~s JheY. b@i911l l.he people at M$(J ~h.CI acrcis~ •ihe >iiatic;ri . . ~ttirfu9:d)h~ $(J~p~c@1s: ()rrnany ..... . •::insjders:lh.ttie. at,hlE1t{c·dep8,rtinent > • spa~yh st~roids>· · ·< . ·> .... '.W~>h~\/;~ c®.d~d~ .a,,i ·:·.>···: .•.. ·. ( .. iri@~l)~l lnlif}stigati~h i~fo; tti~> matter," Weailefstatedto a > < p~tk,9d Rifo'Aid:P.hiilrmacy:ctowd. · · .. :·· S~e Pt)M.PED/J). 2 ) : OUT and ABOUT e e e e e e e e e e e e e e .e· e e e e .e e e e e A. .& EAST .· LANSl ·NG . A. .A.DETROIT 7: The Suspects - ~~~~~e~~~eandtheChasers 10-11 : Innocent Persuasion ~DUwcs11 ®®UUS111 ~~U®®llil Apr. 3-8; McQueen Street 10-15: Raggedy Ann ~llili'lsiUU W>Usi!Jil@il Apr. ~: Uncle Fester 5: Born Naked 10: Blues Party 'f!//hfJ)fl(J©f/iJ ©@f/iJ fl@fl Apr. 4: Julliard String Quartet (Great Hall) 5: Elmer lseler Singers (Great Hall) 6: Qan Seals (Great Hall) 11.""®ilDllil @~S111il@11 Apr.-8: Peter Murphy.with Nine Inch Nails . [M]SlDca©UDcs . . Apr~ 7: Bop Harvey with Broken Yoyo and · · . Ash Can Van Gogh 13: Severed Heqds with MC 900 Ft Jesus and DJ Zero 'if[}o@ fru0{l(i Apr. 7: Junkyard with Black Crows ·. 12: Dirty Looks · ~UQ ~@'.JIJ'CaW© . Apr. 5: Elvis Hitler with Heretix 6: Big Chief 7: Michael Penn· 13: Alannah Myles b\IJ@IJilSl 'if[}o@Slilll'@ «Dllil [M]~l\D b\~Dil® .. ~~l]i]i')» Apr. 4-7: The Cherry Orchard . . ~~~Slit Apr. 4: Arson Garden with Mondo Cane 11: Anne Be Davis with Sam I Am IIDM~l}l}@~@I 'if[}o@Slil@IJ' Apr. 5-29: stage performance of Steel Magnolias rFsiDN[}QDU@I 'lJ[}o@Slill1@ Apr. 6: Renaud Chamber Orchestra . @11@@1Jil 00®11' Apr. 4-7: Toys 9: Blue Avenue Delegates 10: Capitol City Band 11-14: Toys . ~fl'©~@@ ~lfil ©@llilil@lf Apr. 8-22: Sonic/Light Video Art: Art on Video 8:.May:_ Images of ~n Idyllic Past: The photographs of Edward $.Curtis 11.SllJil@J~[}QS}IJ'!h . Apr. 4: Ras Shaggai and Liviration . 6-7: The Blue Front Persuaders 10: Possy Bang . lruD©!h 1 ~ Apr. 4: Bop Harvey 5: Water for the Pool 6: The Dead Beats ·The Clydesdale ' ., :lV,r , J', byJONT YOU rOLKS BE SURE ANO TAKE: THAT LAST STATEl'IE.IVT INTO ACCOUl\.IT THE - NEXT Til"IE YOU'RE COIVS.IOERUIQ . DIN.ING. ~r; ~ . 1 ... I S POSE I COULD RVB l'T OOWl\I WITH HVDRO~EIV PEROXIDE. THAT SHOULD QET AID OF ' THE: GERfl\S 1 L ERST l'IAICE IT E DIBL £, SHELl>Oll1 SINC£ VOU'RE LOW JllJUN 0111 THE POLE I 1 ELECT vou TO HELP f"lt GE.T THE 5Tl"AKS FOR TOllliHT'S DINllC R OUT OF Tl-IE · W1'Lk-l'N FRl!.OER. Pl\PPV ISl\l 1i rT A UT i3ARM IN HERE'? '(Ou'Rt RIC.lft i ·BY-GOLLY eov.~ I I CHECK THRT I MM BOLY noa .Tor~eRs IT . SIWS "75•'1 • . :Y- _ - · .. ;;;;;-. ::.. ~ ..::.::.;:::. THERl'\Ol"IETE I I I Jf'L' I ••• ALL THJ'S MEA HAS GONE BAO. ·~'Jr l"IRIUAGE ME NT IS t;ll~ll:-1 t0"- GIJT ME Al\IO S C$lAPE !'IV BLU98fR LIKE A HUMP- / BAGI< ED WHAL.E • . . - - " \ .__ 4 April 1990 university Reporter-Intelligencer· 11 Reviews Band turns Detroit sound . Inside Out on this effort ··:~:~:w Take You Apart, Put ·-:~ You Back Together Can an all-girl band from Detroit keep up with the Detroit sound? Yes! Inside Out surpasses it both live and on their latest release. Inside Out's new record, Take You Apart, Put You Back Together, takes Detroit rock and puts it in an entirely new spectrum. While their sound still has the doom and gloom beat known so well in Detroit, they've taken it a step further. The lead guitar sounds like the Jesus and Mary Chain with Robyn Guthrie of the Cocteau Twins playing the riffs. Lynda Marie, lead guitarist for Inside Out, gets the most eerie sound out of a guitar that has ever come out of Detroit. The bass, played by Karen Neal, sounds like Geddy Lee beating the crap out of his bass (of course Lee would never have the guts to beat it like only Neal can). The only way to describe Neal's bass sound is dugga dugga-dugga. Cathy Carrell brings it all together with the strongest drum sound to come out of a new band since Def Leppard made their comeback with their one-armed drummer. The drum sound is very solid with a lot of power to back it up. The overall sound on· Take You Apart, Put You Back Together is very strong with Neal's vocals coming out loud and strong, and Marie's guitar adding a haunting touch floating off into a dreamworld of beautiful torture. "No Outlet" is the song that best repre sents the Inside Out sound on this album. Other songs to listen for are "Cliques that Click," "Take Away the Pain," and "Moral Decline." "Moral Decline" shows a different side of Inside Out though, with a guitar part · that doesn't just have a cool sound - it's pretty. Inside Out have figured out the secret to a cool sound; they just took the Sub Pop sound for the rhythm section and added the Cocteau Twins guitar sound with the haunting feeling of Bauhaus. Even though they're an all-girl band, the Go Go's or the Bangles they're not These chicks can rock! -ANGIE CAROZZO ecom uR-1 ' .·.·.·.: -:-: - 'AG~ -:::-:-:-:-:··~&:..~~ . ~ I ...:·:- :-:- :-,:-: > u~ma~ > .:~.~~Cd} .. ~,.,~ lilr ~. ~""' -·- ~;'1''1'.~11 - Y~f~~~1i! . -~ii - · ~t§fl#@~~~@>JM! Q:@'iff!f#P/ #9f 911v90r. ¢¥~~~<"# $fG~v I ·prqgf 9®*·9.9ll•tH.#:•$ttjg~1jf :······ Tr:9V-~1:N$i"W¢fk·;~,?7S1 $00•·•·•••••••••• •t:9t.Y:91.Jf:19W~M.f9r~~·••••••••••••·•••••:•_·••·-•···· :· ~$p~~1()1st~ht()lif¢@~wO.rklwi ·•~ov.0r:1oooffi60SW6rldWide •::•:••• :•••:::•••• :••••:• : ~-fe.wr:e.$tr@tkfof :8<=#1.t1J~~'P1lfs:_~~IB,>~~ --·-•·•••-••• ::- f.\11~ 1lffi(Yli\IM\tl . . ·~ . ~:~:~~~~ -· -- .~~~ - ~~~ · 'iOO}:h\ l\Hl<;'J) ) .. . Is it live or is it Anderson? Performance artist puts on fabulous one-woman show in Ann Arbor by ANGIE CAROZZO uR-1 entertainment editor ANN ARBOR - A violin fills the theatre with music so loud you can feel it. Lights come in and there's a sillouette of what looks · like an old man playing the violin. Voices start coming in from no where and everyone is wondering, "Where is she? Where's Laurie Anderson?" Then th e violinist turn s around th e old man and there she is - playing the violin with the voice of Laurie Anderson floating out of his mouth. Laurie Anderson's Empty Places performance, which came to the Michigan Theatre March 10, was beyond the realm of theatre today. Anderson constantly roamed the stage, moving be tween several micropl:lones·. samplers, keyboards, and the single candle flickering at the front of the stage. She was much more personal in this performance than she has ever been before. For the first time, Anderson is pulling away from the talk/singing that made "Oh Superman" rise to cult fame. Her singing voice has been set loose and it's more beautiful than anyone could have possibly imagined. It was boundless when she sang "Coolsville ," as if a spirit had been released and it was celebrat ing by grabbing everyone in the theatre and just shaking them. Anderson didn't merely per form the songs f~om her latest album Strange Angels, though; the performance was filled with stories and social commentary. Anderson describes herself as a storyteller. To prove it, she told stories about falling into a man hole, picketing a Playboy club, and several other things. She also gave the audience a: complete rundown of the national debt and compared the most famous politicians to musicians. She said Hitler was a drummer, Mussolini was an opera singer, and Reagan just wants to be intimate. "The longer he talks, the more quiet and intimatehe gets; and he emphasizes it with lots of long ... pauses," Anderson explained. Although she was the only person to appear on stage, the performance was filled with a number of characters including herself, the bluesy voices that she referred to as girls, and the voice that she calls Reagan, also known as Anderson's baritone alter-ego. The overall sound was mini- • mal; there weren't too many things going on at the same time. But each thing that did go on de~ manded the audience's full atten tion. Empty Places was an audio/ visual menagerie that extended the senses further than was thought possible without chemical assistance. Here, aurie Ander son has done her best work now it can only get better Who the hell is this fellah? What the hell is it all about? · How can we get rid of him! . . ~ Without a doubt, it was the most splendif or ous evening of my lifetime and that of genera tions pre- and post-eluding me. Opening with a resouncfa1g crash, the perfidious musingF of this modern-day poet echoed througho'." he vibrant air in the incom parable MSU· Aud i-totally-torium. Clad entirely in a sheer, shimmering, stunning , entourage of black clothing and ultimately condusive opaque footwear, the audience gingerly treaded into the obfuscated environmentage. Grooving like the Meat Puppets meat the illeg_itimate child of Lawrenc Welk and Frank Zappa spawn Moon Unit Zappa (who first garnered my unadulterated attention when I was a loathsome, loquacious lad), the band laid down maximum and unequivically hip supertones. It was a night to envelope oneself in a catatonic web of coolness. Verbosely, the lead singer squandered scintillions of squeamish thoughts, reminiscent of the work of little-recognized but not the less impactf ui and harmonized Peter Shelly. The scrumpdilli-idous scales lavished upon our lizard-like loafer-clad livers left us to lounge langorously. Lovely, most definitely and definitively, it P"" Verbosely, the lead singer squandered scintillions of squeamish thoughts, reminis cent of the work or little-rec ognized but not the less im pactful and harmonized Peter ·shelly. . ~ · ·.·.·.·. ·· ~ . . ••·•·••••J •••r•::••:: . . . . . . . . . .. ·.·.·.· .· .. . ..... · .... . :<:~ ··:-· ·· ··¢~·11·•··········~·t ............ . . . . . . . . . ' . . ........... ·.· :-:-:-·-:. : >.·>>. .. was << ..ahd/ >· . ........ was. lndeedy. Yes, it was a totally hip affair - devoid of anyone ungrooving, with-it, funkified and on top-of-the-scene. It's too bad you couldn't have been there, but I was and it was completely crisp and coagulated. ..... ~ . .. ..... . -·•·•····•·-l•e •t •:• ..'.· w/nWr~ · : lt>.. was ... ·.· .. < oh; <•: ~)b.LJm ··< .. revreu>s . . iLt~ < #of11;: :t-o& ............. ··· .· :-:-·-:.:·>>> >.<<< .:-: .-::::::>:::-·::::.:-: .. 2 • university Reporter-Intelligencer wanna have fun without the hassle of earning a wage? then become involved with the uR-11 we are looking fa hard-waking people who are interested in becoming advertising account executives, news a entertainment correspondents, album/movie/play/ art reviewers, artists. photographers, derivery folk, a graphic pesigners (must know Pagemaker). if yer interested, can 351-4899 today ... if you've called in the past and we've haven't gotten back with you, be patient and keep fryingl 4 April 1990 From PACIFIED, p.1 Wonder Poodle love tryst, the story caug ht the nation in the bun warmer. And once the curtain was raised, the glaring, cleansing, all-knowing spotlight cast by television cameras revealed what will go down in th annals of journalistic endeavor as one of the most sordid stories ever. Day after day, reports filed in about the peculiar personal preferences and peccadilloes of the pun-pounding, foul mouthed five-year-old, known to dispatch friend and foe alike as snot-eaters, mucus breaths, and buttskermen. Tales of all-night carousing in a party van disguised as the Dy-D Diaper Truck, milk binges that would last for days, cutting classes at kindergarden and failing to return Dr. Seuss books on time or in their original condition (0ne book was returned with "I will riot eat green eggs or ham, Son of Sam, or kill my next door neighbor with poisoned spam, Son of Sam I am," scribbled on the cover) filled tabloids and dailies alike all over the world. Throughout the ordeal, the Provo cateur remained mum, while publicists told reporters variation s on the theme: "He cannot comment right now, he's having his nap." When one exasperated reporter asked who he was having his nap with, flustered flakkers cleared the columnist's opulent East Lansing digs. Donna Rice was later seen leaving through a rear entrance. And Puss, for her part, was no more savory (unless viewed solely as an object and not as a functioning, living, thinking being). Rumors of weekend ski trips with Pirmin Zurbriggen and the rest of Switzer land quickly surfaced. Reports of an affair with the son of television legend Mr. Ed were never confirmed, and consequently kept out of the papers -which are always ethical, fair, kind-hearted, and sensible. But, with High's decision, the big top comes down and workers hose down the remaining elephant patties. The media looks for another sensational serving-the public-fer-shure story. Life goes on. And we all must look deep inside and ask ourself: "Why was a cuss word the first thing out of the baby's mouth ... " When you visit a uR - 1 advertiser's business, te 11 them you saw their ad here ... ... in MSU's truly independent and alternative voice: u R I the university Reporter-Intelligencer by TIM SILVERTHORN and TIM LEPHEW uR-1 issues correspondents They're coming back. The self-styled marijuana "Free dom Fighters· - who brought East Lansing's .1naugural legalization rally last weekend - will return in the fall. 'We'd like to take another Satur day iri the fall to march to the Capitol; said Ben Masel, Wisconsin director of the National Organization For the Reform of Marijuana Laws, (NORML). That announcement came after the media, like more than half the estimated 400 demonstrators, had left. City Manager Tom Dority, who signed the rally's permit, said he hadn't been told that the Hemp Tour '90 would · return. This time, Dority gave city assis · tance to organize the event, local organizer Jack Wyzywany said, and Police Chief Tom Hendricks told police to stay away from the park unless they were called. "The first issue invo.lved is the right to free speech; Dority said. "That's why we made every effort to help the organizers just like anybody else: "Any group has the privilege to gather and speak,• he added. Wyzywany said he·didn't amici pate any trouble in the fall because . the city was so cooperative this time around. But there are indications the fall rally will be larger. Despite little advance notice of the event this time, hundreds showed up. See RALLY, p. 8 Warm Noodle (as in brain) Trophy winners To Suzanne Wood and the Lansing State Journal for fair and balanced coverage of last weekend's marijuana legalization r~ly. Wood devoted six of her front page article's nine inches to the ACTUAL ISSUES. Four inches went either to the legalizers' message or to people who agreed with them. This is pretty impressive, . coming from a newspaper that See NOODLE, p. 8 Thu. Aprll 19 8:30 am.·4:30 a.m. 8:30 a.m.·4:30 p .m. Mon. Aprll 16 and Tue. April 17 RESERVE CURRENT ROOM OR APARTMENT RESERVE ANY UNRESERVED.ROOM IN CURRENT HOUSE RESERVE;D FOR INTERNAL DISPLACEMENTS Fri. Aprll2o 8:30 a.m.·4:30 p.m .. Resic;fence Halls Sign Up for Fall 1990 DURING SPRING TERM 1990 SIGN UP LOCATIONS WILL BE ANNOUNCED IN EACH RESIDENCE HALL ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~!!!!I.I .-Bagel Fragefueli r ~ mRll' "**------~tllllMl- ..... , 1/4 lb. Turkey 1 1 Sandwich, ; 1 I fragel, g I ~ medium pop, and : bagel chips : : : .$3.85 \.. 'exn.Anril l l.~J990 ...._ _ 11Jl\W6,-.-'tiitfii- - rllllllllWlllMM:- ................ _. ... , ·2 Fragels & i Small Coffee I I I i I'-------------' OFF·CAMPUS STUDENTS AND UNIVERSITY APARTMENTS STUDENTS Sign up for Residence Halls on w99. May 2 and Thu. May. 3. . Application must first be made and a housing application fee of S2l5 paid at the $1.-QQ exp.April 11, 1990 . Residence Halls Assignments Office, Un·lvarelty Housing Building on Service Road · RESERVE ANY UNRESERVED ROOM OR APARTMENT IN ANY HALL Retumlng atudenta muat algn the houalng contract when making a room reaervatlon. RESERVE A DIFFERENT ROOM OR APARTMENT IN OWN HALL Pick up transfer carda from your current housing clerk Th• Houalng contrl!'cl la In •Hect lor the enllr• acedem lc year. . · Fri . Aprll 27 and Mon. Apr. 30 · Mon. April· 23 and Tue. April 24 ON-CAMPUS STUDENTS Planning to change halla ~ : I ~ i 8:30 a.m.·4:30 p.m. 8:30 a.m.-4:30 p.m. 8:30 a.m.•4:30 p:m. 8:30 a.m.·4:30 p.m. I - _.,,,, Thu. April 26 Spring-term graduate• a~e ellglble to reserve a apace In Owen Graduate Center. Roommate requeata: . 'ftllift~ \W@@fuQ© ©w@~~l:\.®IB~ . . Does MSU's Athletic Program Have a Steroid Problem? 355·7460 ~ . . - - On-campua roommate requeata muat have paperw'ork completed by May. 1 !5. Roommate cholcea ol atudenta currently living oH campua or new to the Unlveralty will be honored fl their hoµelng application a are on Ille In the Reeldence Halla Aaalgnm~nta Office by May 1 !5. Cancel/Ing a reserratlon aulomatlcally cancels any roommate requesL Voluntary trlplee cannot be reaerved during sign-up. Space cannot be reserved In more than one hall. Appllcanta may make a change after ~ncelllng tne first reaervatlon In. peraon.' Buying, ••lllng or algnlng over houelng space Is • violation of the houelng contract and the University re-rV•• the right to cancel any reaervatlons made In this manner. . Cancellatlon• of fall term reHrv•tlon• and conll'llct• muat be made llr Au9. 1. Student• that do net cancel thslr reaervatlona lltJ Uull dale and enroll for cl•H•• •Ill be fl"9ncl•llr re•Pon•lbla acoonllne to the ••rm• of Iha hou•ln9 oenlaot. · · a. Yes. Hercules. b. No. Pencilneck c. Mandarich just .eats his Wheaties. d. If there was. we'd have won the Big 10. To obtain a Bagel· ballot. redeem one of the above coupons. Watch for a new coupon and. question next l week. • • , . . ' Extend -abortion rights to· gun-car . crying homosexual victims of incest who have artificial limbs, hate·· the ACL.U, like Milli Vanilli and .smoke hemp casually and only on week- ·ends in which the Friday begin-$ with a prime number . . We are really stinking mad about what the doody-heads that run the world have been doing. · And this time, we can't sit still" anymore. Yes, it's time that abortion - outlawed except to those rich enough to bribe some low public official - by the 30th Amendment to the U.S. Con .stiution, be made legally avail able to gun -carrying homosex ual victims of incest who have artificial limbs·, hate the ACLU, like Milli Vanilli and smoke hemp casually and only on weekends in which the Friday begins with a prime number (united under the banner of the GCHVOIWHALHTA CLULMVASH CAOOWIWTFBWAPN), such as Friday the 3rd. Harumph. And, of course, with the · . power of-this newspaper's editorial weight behind this ·issue, we are sure everyone will see how wrong they are and immediately (and without pause, too) change this poop brain law. Certainly, this ever-expand ing group has rights that should be ignored, neglected, trampled and revoked whenever pos sible. But abortion is not one of those rights. Neither is giving more than a . 15 p~rcent tip at certain restau rants that serve buffets of brailled spam to blind people, telling.them it's really quiche ·1orraine gone just a little bit past the best-sold-after date. But that's for another day . For now, all we want - in addition to a fourth world war that will shift the balance of power from the Exhaulted arid Powerful Donald Trump-Marla Maples Unitary Force · (E&PDTMMUF) to the Ivana · Trump-Some Guy With Hair On His Back Liberation For White Rich People Who Don··t Fart and Blame It On The Dog Army (ITSGWHOHBLF WRPWDF&BIOTDA); a new set of teenage mutant ninja turtles;' and oatmeal that isn't the right thing to do - is abortion rights for those guys we mentioned above but have too long a: name or acronym to bother . repeating for fear of taking up even more space in the ever- . dwindling newshole of this paperwhich is distributed free of charge Wednesdays through out MSU's campus and it's environs. So there . (TGWMABHTLA NOATBRFFOTUEMSITE DNOTPWIDFOCWTMC&IE.ST) A few words· on ·future bash.ing . (hash-style) Nothing like thinking ahead, like one bloke who showed at the legalize. fatty rally last week. Allen R. Pyle (no relation tq Gomer), an MSU junior, said: "-If we do this for 17 years if1 a row, we would have something like the Madison Harvest Festival, which brings about 20,000 people." , For the sake of those who enjoyed the rally, maybe it shoald be kept illegal for 17 more years. ~ In any case, if 20,000 people ever show up to blow smoke in the City Council's back40, they'll probably legalize it just to get rid of them. the university Reporter-Intelligencer 4 April, 1990 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . - . . . . - . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ··:•••--••••-••·••••••·tne·.unlv~rsH"Y ••··-.·•• •.••.•••·••·••· •••g~poif~ri1nt§11ig~nc~r•·••• : :: · CQ. W~.o > . > ··• ··· . •• a P.#J;>(i~atW1:(tj(q~r!Nv < .•.•• .··••··•••~•-•·<>J1r.rq!l..•H~J£;·vyr••··:•··•·•·•·· ·•••1:~·Gqh~r1•:Jg~~s~:·~~risiriQ.•~'·•· • • • > : •si?~sst~w . :•. > > •• .·.· · · · • · 1TlanQgibg editor · .····•••1resasa1da$·:··.: .· .. ·.· ... ·.·.·.·.- . . · .... ·.·.·-·.·.·.··.·.· .·.·.·. · .. ·.··.·.·.·.·.·.·.· .. •••••E!nt~rttJihm~hte(Jitc>r•:-· ······••··~·~~~e. :~C:Jr().zZ() ·•.··•······ . · .. ·.··.·· .. ··.·.··.· .. ·.·.·.·.· .· . 9r(Jr:)tii~·c:J~si9r1~r .. · · · · · · • MattheW <;0~tse1 ... ·.· ··.·.·.·.· .. · . )~¢rjlli¢(sl (Jcjv~or ••·.·. •· · ••t>~l(line ·)\~· Wright •· .. ·_·<·:·· ·.· ·.·.·.:-:::::::::--_· _·_ • · • : • •• . \ d(J'l1S.Or . . · l?tf$tepry~~ lacy · · .:~>>-· ·.--.:·> . ·.;.··· .·.·.· .. ·.·. ·.·.-. ·. ' : . _.- .-:· -..... :.. .::::::::::::::.. >' '. :;:::: :· ./:~.-y~~~Pt~~fu~ri·t~s - .:.::· ..... :. ·: •< pr>Hunte.f $.Jhompson . · · .. :.adl/"~ryi~if1Q t:Jc:c~IJnt . .. · : ~x~utiyes: ·· ...... : ~o.~ <;~ung· · Adr()[l_~irpy .· · ·. · . . · .· We.nCIYMuiTc:Jy •••.. / li$C.9c:J~l~y_····· .. . :· '··: E~cSttj* .> y (.1rqig pqvis ·• : . . . '. <>>~~<<> .. ·.· :::- : ... < ~x~#~tive editor · · : . MI/Efrick ' .. · ·<<<<<<<::::.:- . . J~d~~r ·:·:.• repres&ntatlve \ •• E• Arthl.fr< Head ·.· · .·. . . . •. .· ... ·>>.<<-: :.: . . . .·:. <·;:::: >: ·:::::: . . · ... . the ilfl·l is pu/:11i$hed weekly• .. ·••••••••.affrtatsfribiit~• .. •.•···• free ·ot•. .••·::·*fl#tg~·····••••·• tijf#Pflfi.(;ti(MSU •. ••.····••:•.•·•••••·•·• f ?~~~ffi1~~f ns.•·····. 4 April 1990 r-... ~---------: ....... ~------ ·------:--------------, : ReaderResponseCard - university Reporter-Intelligencer-· 5 Yes, it's back, the prefabricated praise or hate vehicle you can send to us when you get the urge to purge those thoughts provoked by the uR-1. We welcome your input, and will print everything we receive - as long as it is signed and doesn't say too many bad things about us. So get it off your chest, Clem ... fill this thang out and let us know what's o n your mind! NOW GET CRACKING OR START PACKING!!! I I I I 2 April 1990 Dear viewers: Shortly before break, we received several letters re garding Dr. Andrew Barclay's column about rape, entitled "Honest dialogue key to ending · rape." Next week, we will print your letters and I will re spond to some of the issues raised by Dr. Barclay's column. I hope you will wait u.ntil then with an open mind and fresh pen and paper to let us know what other concerns you have about your paper. We thank all of you for your input and Y.OUr pa- i,~ j) /fM_ _ - M.L. Elrick editor ·I I ----------------------------------------------------------------------. I ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~- · vour name I -------·---~ ------------~------------ love, · · · · L On your way out, Doug? Getting lots of going-away kudos and awards? Well, gratefully accept one more accolade - Geek 'o the Week dishonors. Yes, your boy George (a steroid, steroid, steroid chameleon) is taking-a lot of heat for what's going on with the football program and steroids and all, but who was supposed to oversee him? Who was supposed to be in charge? Who was supposed to be keeping all the sheep in the flock instead of the sheep dip in the papers? YOU, Doug! D~? Well, we hope you keep on digging till the hole reaches six feet. Sayonara, Doug - and good riddance. . • university Reporter-Intelligencer 4 April 1990· Sergeant Mac is a sissy No one even looked up to meet Sarge's burning eyes as he went from man to man. The only sound in the barracks was the rhythmic Darth Vader hiss of his oxygen supply and his measured step on the spit-shined floor. 'Well, girls, you know what t~ at means," he barked. "Everybody drop your drawers and open them footlockers. MOVE IT! MOVE IT! MOVE IT!" We exchanged nervous giances as snaps and zippers came undone. One thing was sure - Sarge was gonna bust some gu~ to hell and back. He started with the footlockers, then poked around at each guy to see whether he was wearing one pair of Regulat ion Issue 11 A Long Johns - or two. I tensed up as I heard him rip into Thornhump for having a battered old copy of "JUGGS" hidden under his toiletries. Punishment was swift and harsh: exposure to the Arctic winds in his bath towel until his' heart stopped. He would be revived later, of course, if he was strong enough - but nevertheless I hoped I could avoid a similar fate. Thankfully, my inspection went without incident. I breathed a sigh of relief as he continued his pattern of poking and prodding, insulting and humiliating, until all the guys were either cleanly inspected or out taking a walk in their bath towel. But the culprit had not been found. Sarge was really shaken up. The old gas mask was beyond being just steamed up - it looked like a greenhouse in there. He had never been handed such a heinou.s defeat...was he just angry or ... was he hiding something? The same thought seemed to occur to all of us at once. Pezerini and Sarge were staring each other down. "You! Pizza Man!" Sarge bellowed. "You got anything to say?" "I'm a-shut up," Pezerini mumbled. "I think you got something to say," persisted Sarge. "I think you think I got 'em. Well, I don't, see?" And in a matter of moments, Sarge was down to a pair of briefs and his gas mask. Sarge, you see, never believed we shou ld have long johns to begin with, and frequently led us on maneuvers in bermuda shorts and a tank top to prove it. Anyway, we were satisfied that Sarge was OK ... except there was something weird about those briefs (besides the small lump in the back of them ). Carefui examination revealed the weirdness: The "STAR WARS" logo was printed on the elastic band that encircled his sagging belly. Tantalizingly, X-Wing fighters swooped in from each hip, and the fearsome visage of Darth Vader glowered up at us from his yellowed groin. As he walked past us. we also recognized the golden features of C3PO on each buttock, and the enig matic R202 stylishly and discretely adorned the space between. Any ordinary man would have been bitterly em barrassed, I think. But Sarge was more than an ex traordinary man; he was more than an extraordinary Marine. If his face was red, you wouldn't have known it from that black mask of steel and iron. He looked just as strong - maybe even stronger - Wars underpants than he did bashing in the skulls of the Iron Curtain-sympathizing baby seals on the shore of the Arctic Ocean. in his Star Sure, he never found Pezerini's stuff, but Sgt. Mac is a man's man - and a man I can call "hero". Snodgrass, awarded the golden tutu by Sgt. Mac in a tender ceremony back in the frozen tundra, is an infrequent contributor to the uR-1. In fact, if the cops had got here sooner he wouldn't be contributing at all ... Pvt. Francis K. Snodgrass From the Desk of: Francis K. Snodgrass Private, First Class (Retired) United States Marine Corps God made me, but Sgt. Mac tried to. Yes, I learned a lot of things about what it means to be a man as a Marine stationed in the Arctic Circle under Sgt. Mac. It wasn't just the drills . and the discipline - no, I think the greatest single lesson about manhood came from the way Sarge handled the whole Pezerini Long John Affair. You see, Pezerini's foot locker ·got broken into one night while everybody was at mess , and his long johns got taken. Even though Sarge had whipped us into hardened Marines, the extra protection was a must for our extended maneuvers into Soviet territory in temperatures thousands of degrees below zero. We fought the Cold War like no one else did. So, understandably, Pezerini was very upset; Sarge, infuriated at this lack of disci pline, ordered the men to the barracks. "My long a-johns, she's a-gone,· Pezerini whined to Sarge. "Atsa no good. All a-the time, I'm a-colt.· "Shut up. I'll get to the bottom of this," Sarge growled through his gas mask. "Any of you ladies want to step forward now and save us a little trouble?" What was that abou( cherries ... celebrated funhouse masters. Students are left feeling like the puzzle solving gerbil in "Flowers for Algernon.· Only this time there is no piece of cheese wating at the end of the line - schedule filled with courses like "Giants of Pygmy Literature" and "Mast~rpieces and Legends of Scatology.· just a piecemeal Good time to start digging metalurgy, and yet, it will never end: Nadine Hascenez la~llllll'lt•l•I They don't call it the pit" for nothing. Entering that incarnation of Hell, countless of the unfortunate mass each term in an endeavor to fill their schedules. Like lemmings, they trudge into IM West to wage war against each other for the precious few classes available, thereby forming the lines that inevitably pile up at registration and reach out to the IM East. Too often the disoriented are herded into the pit; lingering from gym to gym amidst the smell of unwashed jocks and unwashed straps. Stranded like lost souls in purgatory. But there is little hope of salvation here. Ascen sion to Heaven has been reserved for the pious and the progeny of those in high places. Normal folk find themselves moving aimlessly through a maze capable of befuddling the most Every year it is the same battle against the scheduling computer: You against the Terminator; "It has no emotion. It feels no pity, no remorse. It will not stop until you are dead." Dead from exhaustion and frustration, that is. Scholars believe the pit is the last relic of a druid sect that migrated to the New World. Their goal was to sugjugate and punish the educated. To this end, virgin scholars were sent to the pit to languish and suffer a painful death due to frustra tion. The only modification in the pit since its inception is that non-virgins are now admitted. Undeniably a quantum leap forward. But, we have been told, there is hope. A new computer system is on the way. Unfortunately, this system has been long promised and has an estimated time of arrival paralleling that of Christ. It seems the administration's soft spot for tradition has left us mired in the undercurrents and muck of the pit. There is no escape. There is no hope. There is no tomorrow. We are doomed to forever go from table to table asking for classes that have been closed since the early 70s. Reduced to begging grads and profes sors clad in corduroy jackets with leather elbow patches if there is any way one more desk can be squeezed into a classroom. Afterall, it's not as if there weren't 5,000 people enrolled in it already. And where does that leave us? B102 Wells is being packed to over capacity. There aren't enough overheads to go around. We now have T As that don't even speak a language known on this earth. How can this be changed? Who has the solution? What can be done? Apparently nothing. We must resign ourselves to the fate set down years ago by some demented Marquis de Spartan. But whoever invented the pit has at least one thing in common with those who endure it each term - no class. Hascenez (fromerly M. L Elrick) is executive editor of the uR-1, and one who has learned his lesson about making bets in Pennsylvania bars and about what to use·as your byline if you lose the bet .•• 4 April 1990 university Reporter-Intelligencer· 7:_ apologist for whites, let me say that I don't mind anti-Semetism, particularly on the part of white Americans, because it lets me know I am alive, that I am real, and that I actually exist. I have to admit, though, I have felt very uncomfortable around rude and ignorant goyim making ad hominum remarks about people like me. Usually these circumstances provide me with an excuse to loose my tongue, severely mocking those present who are obviously jealous of my circumcised sex organ as well as my ability to attract "their" women. (I don't know about the rest of you circumcised guys, but it is beyond me how my mother thought cUtting 3/8 of an inch off the end of my cock was going to hep my life. Maybe I will write a column about how this vile and violent action directed against innocent male babies might have something to do with our attitudes. Nah, everyone would say I was blaming women for rape and the feminists would be pissed at me. As usual.) But I digress. When I spoke up, and those present realized I was one of the "prohibited" people on their list, two or three big guys would toss me out. I always felt better after being ejected, though, because I have. no desire to be a member of a group so unexclusive they would accept me or a group so insecure they had to find a basis to reject those who are different. When we're talking insecu rity, we are approaching the real source of racism or sexism- personality disorder. Oh, y6u can tell me that racist bullshit as an economic or an historical basis, and, of course, you are right, but if it were only a matter of economics or prejudice, we would have overcome by now. It cuts much closer to the bone, if you get my drift, and the projective nature of the disorder is what gives it that uniqu,, American quality. Andy Rooney had to be made a scapegoat to distract people from the fact that there are NO blacks in the upper echelons of CBS, no women, nobody but right white guys running the show. Sexploitation and violence are their standard fare, bread and circuses de signed to distract the masses from how shitty life in American feels today. When Nancy tells us to say ·No1·: she is espousing a central core of her white culture, emotional control. (This explains why we refer to our feelings or sexual impulses as our •dark side," and not as our "human• side.) Unfortunately for us, controlled feelings do not just "go away; they are repressed, forced into the unconscious where they develop the potency to disrupt more desirable behav- iors. When Emmet Till was lynched, the men who instigated the violence said they were angered by the way he looked at their wives. He looked at the women in such a way that they could read what was on hi.s mind, they could tell he wanted their women, and they felt he was so blatantly sexual, they had to do something about it. So they lynched him. Quite frankly, I didn't get it. I am a psychologist and I have never, ever been able to read someone's mind like that. How did these ignorant men "read his mind?" Don't be stupid, they didn't read his mind, they projectedtheir repressed sexual feelings onto this poor man. He didn't want to fuck their uptight spouses, they did but couldn't admit it so they projected all their shit onto an innocent black man. He had to die so they could live, a black Christ reincarnate. Unlike Jesus, though, he didn't ask for the role and neither do the thousands of other blacks and women who are the rec~ients of unwanted projected impulses. The system works well for those on top because they can get rid of their garbage by du111>ing it on women or "people of color.• The same system that dufll>S shit in our clean waterways, that is killing the ocean for profit, and bu ming a hole in the upper atmosphere makes itseH feel good by stealing the good characteristics of others for themselves and replacing those strengths with the shit they are dumping. Niggers are an American invention, they don't really exist except in the unconscious perceptions of insecure whites. We exported the concept to Germany in the 30s. The super-race had • no black people to feel superior to so they had to tum Jews into niggers until they could conquer the rest of Europe. Their next step was to get rid of the darker types, like Jews and Gypsies, so their women, the actual basis of white Aryan purity, could not be polluted, they were protecting racial purity just as Emmet Till's murders were. (As a payment for our exporting the concept of niggers, the Hitler government paid us back by sending us the Great White Hope of the day, the Big Lie technique, which is still working for the white power structure today). Hey, let's get some basic biological facts out in the open. H God really wanted white to be the ultimate color of the human race, why would all this projectionist bullshit be happening? No matter whether the people who were getting it on were black. green, yellow, or purple, the baby would come out white. But when an interracial couple has a baby, what color goes away? All you need is a single black grandparent and what color is going to show up for generations? Yes II No wonder whites are so insecure, no wonder they had worked so hard to prevent racial mixing. The good news is: Because we learn racism and sexism at our mother's knee, because racism is as American as apple. pie, we can use our racist and sexist feelings to provide giant orgasms. Try it out, see if crossing over doesn't do a number to your head ~hat makes your orgasm rruch better. Women, try getting it on with the most outrageously chauvanis tic pig you know and you will come like you have never come before. Yoo can always dump him really hard to make yourself feel better, eh?? Try interracial dating, expecially if you come from an horren dously intolerantfamily, to find orgasmic experiences that will blow more than your socks off. Because racism and sexism are disorders of the personality or character that are deeply ingrained in American culture, it will take many generations (" .•• unto the seventh generation" the Bible says) to work these kinks out of our collective psyches. Until we can get rid of this crap in our everyday life, let's use it to have fun with. Dr.Andrew Barclay I ; 1 1 ; ; ;; I Dr. Sex says:· Take A Pig Out to Lunch You know, this whole Andy Rooney flap has showed us that racism and sexism lies at the core of American culture. Many otherwise intelligent people at MSU believe we can il'fl>8.Cl the masses by educating them to change their "prejudices" which will solve the problem of racism. Nothing could be further from the truth. To be sure, people finally realized that tacking a sign on a student's door saying "Nigger go home; is unacceptable behavior but this is only a superficial manifestation of a deeper problem. The recent uproar over having Rev. Farrakhan speak on campus shows how divied we are and how little these divisions have healed since Gunnar Myrc~ahl published his classic investigative work, An American Dilemma, in 1939. At the risk of being branded an New noggin', same naggin' Seems that before break, most MSU dorms had some problems with their water in their toilets and their sinks. The water looked like a very light yellow color. Oh, must've been drug testing week for the athletes. Speaking of athletes, I'm sure you've heard the horrible manner which MSU exited the NCAA basketball tournament this year, what with the controversial basket after time had expired in regulation and all. You know, they could have averted this tragedy if they had some way of telling people time is up. Like maybe a really loud buzzer and a big red light behind each backboard. Nah .•. Not that there were any losers this break in MSU sports (right), but ain't it a shame thatthe Spartan Hockey team lost to BU in the NCAA hockey quarterfinals. I heard Kip Miller telling his friends thatthe Terriers, "all had bad breath, panted alot, and often shoved their faces into any stranger's crotch." Nuffsaid, Kipster. Hey, those geeks who run the co111>uter center really have a wit. Such a flair. The other day, after a game of MacRisk, one of them calls out "Laserprinter for Jimi Hendrix, Jimi Hendrix." . Wow, what's next, "MacWrite for Hank Gathers •• ." ... Here come the letters •.. • .. if you can write, that is. And another thing, what's. this crap about April Fool's week? At MSU fools abound. Oh, you can't have helped but notice the crazy new look I'm sporting, but with all the media and lawyers still crawling around from the laysuit, er, lawsuit, I figured it was best to keep a low profile. Believe that? Here's the real poop: Those steroids I was on •.• well, don't believe the hype-there are side effects, dammit I Got something for the ole Provoc, your weekly bite In the ass? Send It to the uR-l's executive offices on Gunson Street, 142 univer sity Reporter-Intelligencer Plaza, East Lansing, addressed Care Of: SCORN. All submissions become our property and will be used In case ~· run out of toilet paper again. the Provocateur Heidi-the-Ho, Spa.rTan people! How was your spring break? Min• sucked, and for the rest of you buttfaces who wasted good cash to go to Rorida, you can kiss my baby's bottom (don't get It? That shouldn't be a IHIW experi ence for you, but read the front page story for any chance at comprehension). All this talc and no flay is making my rapier wit a dull one. So take this and it stinks to have you bac/c._ un1vers1 y eporter- ntelligencer Jf:tt>mNPQQLJ;}p~ a:: : < ·.·. <<<< << <<<<·>: <<<<<<<<-::::::::::::::::::::::::: ::::: ::: .... ·· ...... F?~~i:~v;;~~:~ii:~..f?:i?i!;;;.;.,:,,~:~;;.:~.~i.:.:..V:;i.::~::~~i;;w.:;.;~ From RALLY, p. 3 With more advertising, there could be much higher attendance In the fall. Also, with over 30 shots on the evening news of people toking in the park, the issue of smoking herb in public is bound to cause a stir. Especially since many shown smoking looked like teenagers. "I was very disappointed to see so many people smoking on the news (coverage of the rally)," Dority said. Of any action the city might take .in the fall, he said: 'We had enough laws about marijuana to control any situ ation that occurs in the parks, and I would assume we would rely on those. . 'We will need to talk to Jack about this - and if illegal smoking is going on, we will be there to write tickets for it." 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