• ~ • - metimes fickle and oftentimes short-sighted voting public. That is not to say that we do not have confidence in the democratic process; rather, we vehemently assert that voting for public officials is the most precious and crucial element of the American system and a corner stone of our society - one we would never advocate forsaking or tampering with. . Yet, judicial contests are a ho"rse (or in this case, horse's ass) of another color. Seldom Is there much of a mean.: ingful track record to distinguish candidates. Judging future judges on a few prior cases is short-sighted and hardly indicative of overall future performance. While endorsements are an aid to voters, rarely do bar organi-: zations deem a candidate unfit for office. Their ratings are often favor able to most candidates, and only confirm that a total bum has not been placed-on the ballot. In a nutshell, · lawyers look after their own. Moreover, and unfortunately in this case, contestants try to stake out unique ground through campaign promises. We find it abhorrent that a judge would make promises on issues sure to come before him. In this · country, and presumably in this town, cases are judged on their particular merits. And while we see the rhyme and reason behind expressing a hardline, anti-crime stance, It is almost incon ceivable that a candidate for the bench would run on a soft-on-crime platform. bribe an attractive offer. Also, this leaves the •poor" lawyer, or poor-client lawyer (usually a public defender) at a marked disadvantage when consider ing or mounting a judicial campaign. There was also a considerable amount of mud-slinging and hired-gun politics in this district judge race. At the end, Heos was found desperately seeking Lava soap and gallons of water to get the mud off his hands while Jordon's associate Mark Grebner made a campaign-eve push to quell talk that Mr. Jordon's $400+ payment to him for consulting services effected the political consultant's ' endorsement in his latest guide to the candidates. To assume the ridicul?us and use Shame on you Mr. Heos, and it in making a point, a soft-on-crime judicial candidate would surely find himself with campaign bills, leftover garish yard signs and a gavel-less future on the Wednesday following the first Tuesday of November. Now to the specifics of this campaign, for, unfortunately, it is not necessary to use a hypothetical argument to prove our case. Obviously, ml.ich coin turned over in this race, as Heos and Jordon signs filled East Lansing lawns and fliers littered our homes. While we do not believe either of the candidates would have proven themselves succeptible to bribery, a judge who has assumed his place behind the bench only after great personal expense may find a we're not buying Mr. Grebner. You surely did not perform with the dignity we would expect of one seeking the title of -Your Honor• Mr. Heos, and Mr. Grebner, you should have refused what you call a nominal fee or skipped an endorsement in that particular race. At least you could have been up front in your candidates guide, which many of us see as an excellent resource and honestly reliable aid at election time. · Again, we must reprimand Mr. Heos. It has come to our attention that in your door-to-door canvassing, you brought Judge Houk with you to talk to potential supporters. The pandora's box this opens frighte!1S us - no, it terrifies us. Such alliances put judges in a position where their rulings could be questioned should a lower-court ruling by an allied judge come before them for review. While this might not happen with the judge~ in their current positions, an ambitious judge could later find himself In a new, higher position owing a favor to a judge directly beneath him. Let's face It, . judges are not the grandfatherly men we see on television; they hate to be reversed as much as the rest of us. There are many other questions and issues we could discuss, but we feel these are reasons enough to put the power of selecting judges in the hands of a higher and more scrutiniz ing authority, subject to the review of a body of other elected officials. Per haps judicial appointments made by the governor would make our state Senate V«>rk a little harder In review ing appointments. In a recent ex ample, Commerce Director Larry L. Meyer's appointment was met with hardly a pertinent question or thor ough examination by our senators. But that's another story altogether. In this case, we believe a change is in order. We have no further wit nesses and no more arguments to make on the matter. Court adjourned. ~~m~M~c® 0 ~ t::J:!:I:~~~~ ~d .......__(\~~~~ uR-1 artwork/ERIK GOODELL ·:: : : .:::... .. ·· . : :the university Reporter~lnte_ll ige.nce..r·::"-_ ::_::::::···.:::: ::-·:· --··• ::::-:-:: ::.:· .··· ... ... .. ..... ..... ·.· ·:::: > •• ·.······ ·.·•·•·•·•··•·••••·•····· .·.·.·.·.·.··•·•· ...... ••••• ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••·~·~·•.r .. ••.·••.r .. ••·n··••.~.~ .••. ;.·•· .. ~.·••.••. ~i~~!!Li;~ . < :::::::::::::::::::::::::: . · . .. . ., ............. . 15 November, 1989 Reporter-Intelligencer • 5 Provoc's long-lost rela tive shows up for a jawin' Privatize MSU ! reader viewpoint HEY GUYSlll Why the Provoc be the only one blowing off anonymous steam in your mag/tabloid/pamphlet? Why can't the university's fabu lous ground crew wait for a decent hour before picking up leaves, sawing defenseless trees, or mowing lawns right outside our windows? (Especially on Friday mornings when our head aches could kill a lesser being). If we're paying an outrageous amount to attend classes, being clubbed by over zealous goon •John Laws· and getting suckered on parking tickets and MIP by DPS (which can't even find some body to answer their phone most of the time), don't we deserve a good night's sleep? Why can't inbred fools on bikes stay off the street at night white they're wearing dark clothing? The sidewalks are there for .a reason, pal; why don't you try 'em sometime? You might like 'em? . Why can't lame asses who take it upon themselves ro graffltize various rest room walls make up something original? I'm getting sick of of the Lesbians are Cool/Lesbians are Satanic arguments, the •1adies please remain seated for entire performance· type stuff. Why can't the Insidious over-40 crowd leave us innocent, naive college girls alone at local watering holes and f Ind someone their own age to play with? Or at least find a good brand of breath mint... Why can't The State News coma up with some decent headlines for their profound articles? The best was: "Camien in English; still tragic.• Hilarious. Well, thanks for this little op. Oh, yeah, one more thing. Does WDBM have any tune by Siouxsie and the Banshees besides "Cities in Dust?• Just asking ... Your Friend, MaryJane Sunshine _ by ART HARGER . As an employee of MSU from 1955 t~ 1957 and a student on and off from 1958 to 1984 I have observed the discombulation of ·a once· viable university into an institution of 5,215 contiguous acres impose a load upon the State of Michigan and United States of America that is untenable to those two debt-ridden entities. including It's time to privatize public univer sities 100 percent. And since I know more about MSU than any other entity of higher education - Oregon, where I received my B.S., and UCLA where I received my M.S. - and its staggering assets (i.e., the Ingham County Land above men tioned) and Its staggering deficiencies (i.e., attempting to support three medical schools with their built-in high costs - pathic). vet, human medicine, osteo How to do it? Make the legal owners of MSU, the duly-elected Board of Trustees, an offer they cannot refuse: First, MSU stripped to its core is a non-prof it, Mchigan corporation albeit its shares must belong to the State of Michigan. (In 1973 I was an officer direetor-shareholder of a for-profit Michigan corporation that was jointly sued by the University of Michigan; Wayne State University and MSU in a civil action instigated by the Attorney General of the State of Mchi~n so I have insight into the legal entities lurking behind those -megauniversi ties.·) Second, an offer they cannot refuse? Yes. A. I would advocate to the Board of Trustees they leave the Federal Land Grant status through voluntary resignation (Kansas State University did it with no harm done). B. Offer the State of Mchigan a total buyout of all invested improve ment monies (i.e., buildings, landscap ing, fixtures, furniture and land, etc.) at the currently appraised value (yes, a costly appraisal by at least one certified appraiser is needed). C. Based on that figure Issue the state a bond for the aggregate amount bearing the going interest rate for hight grade bonds on the day of closing. This isn't as unheard of as It seems as the Univeislty of Pittsburgh went from a non-profit, private Penn sylvania corporation to a non-profit, public Pennsylvania corporation In the space of a day). So reversing the trend, MSU ~uld be a Pitt In reverse. Third, literally condominimize the assets of the new, not-for-profit, no share corporation borrowing a page from the book of the late William Zeckendorf, a legendary New Yoi'X real estate developer who pioneered the separation of a single building into three basic components.(l.e., the land, the improvement or the building and the air rights ... so synergistically what was one value becomes three separate legal entities). The basic corporation, say Spartan University, would retain the land momentarily while it sold off the obvious money makers, such as Olin Health Center, the preschool, Kellogg Center's 191 rentable hotel rooms, the power plants, the laundry, the food stores, the auditorium, Fairchild Theatre and Spartan Stadium, etc ... ). A basic axiom of real estate is that no one knows what a real property (i.e., the Union) Is worth until it's sold. But as a simplification of this, my alma mater, Oreg0n, has a faculty qlub (circa 1962) that rented upstairs rooms to single and visiting faculty and had a public parlor for the faculty to congregate downstairs. I would tum Cowles House Into an on.:campus faculty club with lunches and dinners for the faculty like UCLA's on-campus faculty clut:> and buy the new Spartan University president a house In a walk-to-campus range in the family neighborhoods surrounding MSU. So zippo, the newly formed faculty club for both non-tenure and tenured faculty with the public rooms open to . all of them free of charge with the private upstairs rooms going for a nominal $20 per night paying the mortgage Spartan University would . extend a~ the then going Interest rate at the then appraised value of the house. Fourth, the greatest Intrinsic asset MSU has, In my opinion, Is the hydra headed Forest Akers; twin 18-hole golf course of which one could be reserved for nominal-fee usage for all students, faculty, staff and retirees general public of the new university corpofe!,tion's sale-off to a non-profit cooperative at say $1 a member. The · other 18 could become a private country club corporation for progit and sell memberships at say $1.5 million apiece, on Installments, to those wishing the best country club in the wor1d complete with a wholly-owned jetportlheliport/V•tol port to the adjoin ing unimproved farm land . . So we reach the nitty-gritty bottom-line: How much are the bonds issued to the State of Michigan? A ballpark guestimate would be $1 to $2.5 billion. (I stress that literally no one knows what real estate is worth until it's sold). And how much would Spartan University (only a suggested name) yield from its triple sell-off of land, improvement and air rights at the optimum realistic price in hopefully a high-wind economy, (another strictly personal guestimate), between $3 billion (i.e. $100,000 an acre for the land or about $500 million, $1 billion or thereabouts for all the improve- • ments, $3 billion from 2,000 country club memberships at contract face value to be accrued as income over 30 years without Interest) and $6 billion (a high-velocity reading on Kellogg Center's 191 rentable rooms, say, could bring $400,000 per room or about $38 million from that one, relatively minor asset alone) bringing the newly-formed university a new endowment of between $500 mfflion and $2.5 billion yielding conservatively $50 million upwards in revenue bringing within reach a private univer sity education at the same priee (about $44 per credit hour) as a public education for all (state residents and non-residents) and with no registration fees, no credit loan minimums, etc._ . r---------------------------------------, ! [}={] ~1( ~~ [Q)~ ~ . VOi ! Bynowyoukoowour I It's a neat-o reader response card! I So are we headed In the rig~t track? 1 1 Please let us kno~, send this card to our offices at 142 Gunson St. with ,any criticisms, com· I ments or suggestions or other things you believe will enhance our ability to serve the MSU I community. Remember, this is your paper, too. I I · . · 1 1 I 1 I I I I I I · · · WE WILL PRINT EVERY LEITER WE RECEIVEI letter policy (or can find 1 out by calling our Gunson I Street offices), so we, the : editors, feel compelted to 1 warn you: I I I There will be no more for- I our-eyes-only letters; we I are not here to act as . 1 your pen pals. What you 1 have to say should be : something all our readers I can see and respond to. I So be forewarned - If I yous.end it, we'll print It. I Keep 'em coming, pard- ....... __ ..... __ . __ ._._ .. ____ ... L- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -.J ners we'll be he~e 6 • Reporter-Intelligencer . 15 November, 1989 Swain helps us learn by his mistake several hundred) tells the attentive students he will not be dismissing them eaFly because (and we paraphrase) he doesn't want 'to Jew them out of their. tuition money.' Oy! Immediately, Swain realized he was chewing on a sizeable piece of shoe leather, and before someone could administer the Heimlich, he changed his statement to "Gyp," and aptly told the class he said a stupid thing. Without a doubt, a major understatement. To keep to the original point, however, I guess we can overlook the fact that "Gyp" could be construed as offensive to Gypsies (and therefore no better than "Jewing" or "Japping" students out of a few precious moments of accounting), and cut to the chase - some people still feel that it is OK to be insensitive or derogatory towards certain ethnic, religious, racial, or cultural groups. And that stinks. From published reports it sounds as if Swain truly slipped and meant no harm, falling back on an expression learned in a less enlightehed period of American history. He has apologized, been talked to, and, we assume, been reprimanded. But that doesn't erase the fact that others use such terms without out a second thought. Far too often in our society, even the most forward-thinking or "liberal" people hide their prejudices deep within them~elves - only to inadvertently reveal their true hang-ups at a time when they feel secure or have allowed their guard to slip. It seems the synapses are too fast to stop our true selves from coming ou~ sometimes. And while this is embarrassing and can put us on the firing line Swain found himself on, it is a time to learn and grow. ,A time to deal with something we need to eradicate and eradicate without delay. Facts being facts, everyone is prejudiced in some way. Ever laugh at an off-color joke? Ever imitate the stereotypic way a black person talks? Ever scream at a "lady ·driver"? Guess what pal, you're prejudiced. But there is hope. How we deal with our prejudices is what prevents everyone from being a bigot or racist. That does not mean, however, being more cautious about slipping or shoving the hate deeper.inside. Dealing with prejudice is the only known cure, and oftentimes shows us how unreasonable or stupid we are with our hang-ups and snide remarks. Ignoring or justifying ourselves only worsens the problem. And far too often, .people. are willing to let us slide. Monty Swain did screw the pooch. But he did us all a favor and reminded us that we are all prone to expose our prejudices and that the best solution to to face the music and purge ourselves of these evils. And while we can't thank him for this lesson, we can learn by his mistake and thereby make the world a little better. M.L. Thanks, Monty; you've taught us a valuable lesson. You see, Swain screwed the pooch. His careless use of an expression deem-ed objectionable by most open-minded people put several inches of Hush Puppy down his throat, and while he isn't the first to let a stupid remark get him in trouble, he is the most recent. And he surely won't.be the last. But we get ahead of ourselves. The scenario: Swain, an accounting 202 prof who is wrapping up his televised Monday class (which has an enrollment of erlin Wall not a terrible thing to waste 1 Not East Berlin. Not West The f?etroit Free Press. Berlin . Just Berlin. For thirty years the Berlin wall has stood as a symbol of a city divided. A people and country divided. A world divided. But a whirlwind of events over the last two months has brought the wall crashing down into a pile of rubble, a heap of stones signifying th~ ma~nitude of t~e c~anges. ~cc~rnng with dizzying rap1d1ty in Eastern Europe. Years ago, Soviet kingpin . Nikita Kr~schev justified the construction of the ~all QY saymg "th.e b!.ood was running out of our veins. . . David Stearns Where were you when they It kept right on '.unning anyway, Nick. reported this weekend_.that nine out of 1 O East Germans using their exit visas and entering the West returned to the East. It just goes to show, if you love somebody, set them free. But despite the significance, the excitement, the utter euphoria surrounding last weekend's events, the metamorphosed political situation is not set in stone. It may not last. It is, no doubt, a very unstable situation and one that must be dealt with with the utmost vision and caution. The possibility of unification has been raised . This would indelibly alter not only the · geographic face of Europe but the world's economic and political structure like nothing ever before. Will NATO be scrubbed? breeched the wall? It's a question many people will be asking themselves 20 years from now after last weekend's startling developments in Berlin, Germany. It's dramatically ironic that . What about the Warsaw Pact? It's now "!e can look back and say that a concept most people never opening the wall perhaps has done thought they would be considering m~r~ to ~~ve Ea~t Germany than bu1ld1ng 1t 1n the first place. 20 years or even three weeks ago. · The bottom line is that the symbolic elimination of the wall is a far step from a final peace between East and West. The wall may no longer serve any practical purpose, but American nukes remain pointed at Moscow, Prague, Budapest and Warsaw. The same holds true for Russian arms aimed directly at Paris, London, Washington and Amsterdam . The wall served its purpose. It kept people from traveling freely to visit family and friends. That purpose apparently has failed the desired end that the leaders who stood behind it intended . The only purpose for advanced thermonuclear weapons is destruction, death, pain and fear. Who cares what the. experts say. There can't be any sane purpose behind them .. Let's hope they await the same fate as The Wall. It's seen its last day. Knock _ on wood. Geek of the Week Sorry Ed McMahon, but we didn't win the mllllon clams llke you promised - apparently you're hoarding It for when your wife gets that divorce settlement. And, for your avarice, you've eamed geek o' the week honors. Yes, for years you've laughed at unfunny jokes, fondled future stars, and teased us with promises of wealth. In short, you stink In a huge way, fatso. Best of luck with the dog food commerlcals, chum. Guess you'll need the money worse than us afterall, what with the alimony and support and lawyer fees and court ·costs and prostitution fees. Oh, watch those Clydesdale pies! 15 November, 1989 · flalph Heibutzki · · . Re orter-ln 1 • • ·ear prefixies drive you nuts, don't they?) I could really use your exper tise In this area. Let's put dead-bolt locks, bars and surveillance robots complete with jars for families to p~ in (when they surrender their samples, voluntarily, of course). Since you helped Warden ° Creighton design the Gotham State Pen's maximum-security section~ and the Batcave, I think your expertise in this area is necessary and appropri ate. I figure my home-into-prison conver8ion wouldn't cost more than the $50 million I'm giving each state to build several hundred of them. Fourth, and last - once we've kicked Colombian ass, let's kick . Cuban and Nicaraguan ass, too. Why should the Commies get off the hook? We can split up the Cuban baseball · teams between us once we repossess both countries. Wrth your international connections, funneling money to our Cof1!ra friends should prove a cinch. Ronnie and I got into such trouble over this, I don't want any slip-ups like last time. If anybody on my team was foolish enough to blab everything to Sam Donaldson, your intimidation skills would prove wonderful. After a guy in a bat suit visits them, their lips would be sealed, right? You've handled the Joker, so you can ha~le any psycho on my staff, and that includes Lee Atwater. I'm confident America's drug war would rest well in Batman's hands. · And you don't have to contribute to my campaign in '92, or even sit next to Dan Quayle. I only need the PR p~h that your biographical movie · packs. The rest is up to you. By the way, check into Mike Dukakis, would you? That little wimp gave me the most hideous stare when I addr9ssed the Governor's Convention - Manson, on acid. We'll have him in a labor camp soon, but break into his house and see what you can find. like Do you think Superman's avail able to deal with the Iranians? Just kidding, Caped Crusader, we'll deal with 'em in good time. In the mean time, think carefully over my offer, and God Bless. Regards, George. bashed Dukakis with last fall. Now, as your sidekick would say, "Holy state of emergency, Mr. Bushl Where do I come in?" l'H ~ke you an offer you can't refuse, Caped Cru sader. You decide If I'm real or not. Whether you cut Robin In or not, that's strictly up to you. But I need a rabbit out of a hat, or else my prospects in 1992 are screwed. And even Commis sioner Gordon in Gotham City wiU probably wonder if you're up to snuff, so we're on the same side, right? First, I want to declare martial law for the entire United States. You can appear.with me at my next anti-drug speech to show your support. Nobody would mistrust Batman, right? Then I can scrap the Bill of Rights, and you can help my Secret Servicemen strip search those liberal weenies who give me so many headaches! I'd like to see Dukakis' nuts between your Batfin gers. Second, I'm choosing you and an elite squad of anti-drug ninjas to lead a Colombian invasion. We'll repos sess Colombia, kick those cigar chomping narco-barons off their 111- gotten estates and turn them into 'War On Drugs" theme parks. As a conces sion, I'll give you any third of Colom bian territory you want, and you can turn President Barco's residence into a Batcave model - for your next flick, of course. Third, let's convert every Ameri can home into a jail cell, which can be used any time Dear Hubby is arrested and Bat-strip-searched. (All those I? Right, froghead! I went to one of those right-to-life-as-1-see-it you-heathen-bastard rallies in Lansing· last Saturday. Besides having to miss the latter half of my cartoon agenda, I got drenched to my little still forming bones. Some said the water was God's tears. I think he was just pissed off. That brings the ole Provoc to a serious note for a moment, folks .... you stink. Thought I was getting soft for a while didn't you, you squeebish crawdads. Fact is, the only soft spot is between my cranial plates. I just hate it when people make those let-me sharpen-my-pencil jokes. Yeech! Here's a special steamer to all you purveyors of filth - that's right - my loyal fans. To answer all of your questions: 1. No, I don't find Sally Perles attractive. 2. Yes, I am engaged. To Keishia Knight-Pulliam (from The Cosby Show, dork.) 3. Yes, she is better in the playpen than Lisa Bonet. 4. To Mary Jane Sunshine, my maiden-in waiting. Keep waiting. You don't have what it takes to change my diapers, babe. Office of ·the President While Hou•, 1600 Pennaylv• nia Ave. W•hlngton, D.C. 20006 Dear Caped Crusader, Now that you're finished playing yourself In that wonderful movie starring Mr. Nicholson-the CIA says that creep Keaton's been hitting on teenagers on the Sunset Strip with it's Rob Lowe, best keep him in line - time you thought about public service. You could help me with my two biggest headaches: the drug war, and the Contras. This letter should ease your shyness. Hell, you don't get letters from the President every dayl And relax, I could care less if Lloyd Bentsen were under that mask. let's level with each other, man to bat. I'm rewriting my drug speech tonight, polishing my maKeup, nagged by one thought. My "drug war" is a joke, just like Ronnie's, only I don't even have Mr. T batting for me. Colombian enforcement;s like Ronnie's memory - nonexistent. Coast Guard patrols won't get back their funding cuts (unless the Com mander allows me access to his foxy wife). Prisons are only car washes for criminals; think how Catwoman, Joker, Penguin and Riddler kept you so overworked. Our educational system's gone to hell because Ron and I like lilly-white private schools too much to · care. That means a lot of Willie Horton's produced, the same kind I week, this week promises to get your cockles raised higher than the state's new sales tax-but that failed, too, didn't it? Speaking of that horrible mistake the voters made in rejecting the sales tax increase proposals - which would have improved the K-12 syst~m and a lot of the crappy lunches I have to choke the ·Provoc must down - say he's had enough of poor kindergarten facilities. Hell, if I could just get a decent nap and some real clean school undies I'd have a lot sweeter disposition now, wouldn't HOLY DRUG WAR, ·BATMAN!. Caped crusader enters Bush's fray (We found tfJls unsert letter among PresJdert Bush's personal effects folowing his May Day '99 assassination by an aggrieved grand son of Democratic Presidential loser Mike Dukalds. (The man •. all allegedly "homeless, homosexual, needle-sharing, flag burning invalid friend of Wilie Horton· by Republican spokesmen, stabbed Mr. Bush with a sJNOrdcane disguised as an American flag. He currently shares a room with notorious Presi dential stalker John Hinckley, Jr. (We offer this letter In a public service spirit, noting It was written. on Sept. 5, 1989 ... the night Mr. Bush unveiled his controversial drog plan to America.) The Provocateur Well, well, well. If it isn't you again, herringbone head. That's OK, though; if I failed to offend sufficiently last - ~ ®® ID)~ © [k{ (Q) 011 w {ID (fl) {ID@] ~ (fl) RlhltmU @Ulhl®lr ~{ID~®lr DOD ~®® ID)~©lk< ®U011©lk< \W/~Ulh1 UlhltmU ~(ID~®~@W ~[k{~ lhltIDUooa DON'T BE A· DICK you want •em. Paper Image has them. See our ad in the uR-L ·GARY"S CAMPUS Hair Salon offers reduced prices for hair cuts. See our ad elsewhere in the uR-L RErnIVE $3 OFF your next visit to Clearwater Spa's hot tubs with our coupon elsewhere in the uR-L $$?!Call Kurt at 337-7139. SQPIIlSTICA 1ED SCRIBBLF.RS ! No.,,.. accepting submissions for a new quarterly magazine. Send SASE for guidelines to: · Way Station. P.Q. Box 6250, Eat Lansing. Mi, 48826. NEED BIRTII CONI'ROL INFORMA TION? TIME R>R YOUR YEARLY F.XAM? CONCF.RNEDABOUT UNPLANNED PREGNANCY OR SF.XUALL Y 1RANSMIT1ED INFECTIONS? PLANNED P ARENTIIOOD HAS THE ANSWFR.S. CALL 482-1500. CAS1FLLANl'S MARKET offers a wide variety of gourmet and international food, and deli sandwiches, too. Stop in for a snack or a meal. NEED YOUR COPIES done fast and cheap? Go to Budget Printing. See our advertisement elsewhere in the uR-L CHOW DOWN·at the Crossroads Cafeteria We 're located in the Interna tional Center. See our ad in the uR-1. IT'S TOP DOG for diili fries. nachos. hot dogs and other late-night munchies. See our advertisement in the uR-L JAM THE HOUSE with a selection from Too Hot Records. This live store has just what you need for your next house party. See our advertisement in the uR-L · CASlFLLANI'S MARKET has the exotic groceries and aatmosphere you've sought for .so long! See our ad elsewhere in the uR-1. SFE STUDENT ART displayed now at Faruk Art Gallery. in the Campus Town Mall. Also available areT-shirts. incense and a variety of literature. See our ad in the uR-1. IT'S 11IE EAST LANSING renaissance at Renaissance Hair. for all of your hairstyling needs. See our ad in the uR-1. COPIES. COPIES and more copies. If THE LANDSHARK: where you won't feel like an uncool fish out of water. See our ad elsewhere in the uR-L SPEEDY PRINTING DOES it faster and betterer than the rest. See our 'ad in the uR-1. CAPUCCINO?PAS1RY?Espresso Royale on Abbott Road offers unique internatiomil coffees and other delicacies. See our 8d in the uR-1. NEED A NEW LOOK? Come to David Z-umberg. haintylist. for your beauty needs. See our ad in the uR-L MARIA'S offen the beat full-1ervice beauty care in the area! See our ad elsewhere in the uR-L LIFE IS a series of choices. decisions. choices. and decisions. So leave me alone. willya? - Wylie. IT'S LIKE MY DAD AL WAYS SAYS: Life is a shit sandwich., 'and the more bread you have the Jess you taste the shit. I wasn't SHFlL Y AND JENNY - hallucinating (although I can't remember your real names). You do have twins on this campus. Brian (alias Raj from .. What's Happeningj and I look forward .to another chance meeting on our wall across from the Riv. Hata Luego. ESPRESSO ROY ALE now acoepiing applications for energetic individuals willing to work hard with and for fun people! Evening and night positions. Serious applicants only. If it isn't on VIDEO POSTCARD - video tape. it didn't happen. Wedding. personal. party. sports. music. events. 15 percent student discount. 517-339-0500. . W ANIED: PRACilCE SPACE for band. two dayrlweek. Do you have an mmeeded basement or garage? Want to make some UNIVFRSITY HOUSING puts ease and , - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - conv en i en c e at your dispos81. ·See our ad TMIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS ••• 'TWlT'S MOW MUC.M TME DOCTOR TOLP ME A NEW MEART . WOULP C.05T ••. THIRTY TNOVSANP DOLLARS/ tLL NllYEA SE ABLE 10 C.OME UP WITM TMAT KINP OF MONliV ... I BARELY GET 9VA5 IT 15! ebewhere in the uR-L BUY TODAY ANDPR01F.CI'YOUR SFLF TONIGIIT with a personal alarm. See our ad elsewhere in the uR-1. . . . :.:.:-:.:-:.:-: -: -: -:.:-: ·.·.·. ·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.· . •••&fl•:&·•:•••••U.•R::tt:••tt:•:•:•:••:··•·:·•••: .... .......... ... . .. . .... ·.·. ·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.· · •••lill• l~l-•~•·tt••······· ::\~!•!~f:\:~'.~'.I'.§:::.: ··· ::· . •••llf~ llct•~••••·••• ·•t.i•r-tl:·:i/.-.. ::J::}l:.:.1.:@Jq!J!:~;~1:::J§gpJ~ :•to: ... . ·~capi tali z~· on . . . . -:-:-:-:-:-:.:-:.:-:-:- :-:-:.:.:-:-:-:-:-:.:-:-:.:-:-:-:.:.:.:.: .·.·.·.·,· . :.:-:.:-:-:.:-:-:-:-:.: . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . : . : . : . : . : . : . : . : ~:.:.: ... .. . . ..... . . · . . . ~-~,1~~1~111~~ OU Each week the uR-1 strives to keep you hot on the scent of new and exciting activi ties, via our Out I About section (the very thing you've turned to, Magellan). If you know of anyplace we should be Including in this section, please hip us to that particular groove, man. We just aren't always as cool as we seem. House parties ore fair game, but we must know about your party the Thurs day before the paper comes out. And please, don't tell us if you' re having beer; we hate to be the Invitation for John Law. If you have anything you want to tell us, please con tact our Out I About Editor Joe Schmidt at our Gunson Street Offices, 351-4899. 208 Balley St· Nov. 18: Gone Dog, with the Need (from Flint and featuring former members of Dissonance. BoarsHead Theater Nov. 16 - Dec. 1 O; Lion In Winter, Center For The Arts. 8 p.m. Call 484- 7805. . Nov. 29: Macbeth (a staged reading). 484-7805. Classic Films Nov.16 & 17: Ma/co/mX(docu mentary) and Charlie Chaplin's The Cure. Call 355-0241 for locations and Info. Connxtions Comecly Club Nov. 15:18: Ronnie Bullard (also appearing: Rickie Beechum & Eric Kirkland). Info: 482-1468. The Green Door November schedule: (all shows begin at 9:30 p.m.) Mondays: Blue Avenue Dele ,gates. $2. Tuesdays: Capital City Band. No admission Wed.-Sat.: Toys. No admission. Sundays: Uptown Band. No ·admission. Hill Auditorium Nov. 17 & 18: Lie With Mother, performed by Lansing Civic Players. Call 484-9191 Kreg Art Mueeum Nov. 19: Pashami Dancers perform traditional African dances. 3 p.m. Call 353-9834. The Lansing Center Nov. 17: A Taste of House featuring Sybil. 9 p.m.$8 in advance. The Landabark Nov. 17 & 18: Souvenir. Nov. 21: The Hold. Nov. 24 & 25: Splnaker. Reach an alternative market by • using an alternative paper. Advertise the· uR·-1 in CALL 351-4885 or write us: 142 Gunson St. East Lansing, MI 48823 MSU Fairchild Theater Nov. 15-18: Noises Off, by MSU Performing Arts. 355-0148. Nov. 30: Just Kidding presents their national tour, 'Where's My Thermos.· 7 p.m. Call .353-5255. for MY Information Nov. 15: Jazz Band II. 8 p.m., Festival Stage. 8 p.m., free admission. Nov. 16-17: Les Grands Ballets Canadians presents Coppella. 8 p.m., Great Hall. Nov. 17: Gerald Glickstein, MSU Auditorium Nov. 20: Bop (harvey), with guests The Front, and Tflird Estate. 7:30 p.m. $5, available at Wharton Center. guitarist, guest recital. Festival Stage. Nov. 18: Les Grands Ballets Canadians, Great Hall. 8 p.m. Nov. 18: Ebony Reflections 1989, by Akers Black Caucus. Festival Stage. 8 p.m. Nov. 20, 21 and 22: Cats Call 355-6686. ~!Ml !Ml c.\~ lj ~ Blind Pig Nov. 15: The Jazz Butcher. Nov. 16: Map of the Wortd. Nov. 17 & 18: Tracy Lee and the Leonards. Nov. 21 : Young Fresh Fellows. Nov. 22: Eek-a-Mouse. Blondie's Nov. 17: Sepulturaa Dec. 12: Nuclear Assault C.J. Barrymore'• Nov. 15: The Tubes Nov. 29: Mark Farner Hill Auditorium Nov. 17: Squeeze w/ Katrina & the Waves Michigan Theater Nov. 18: Ebony Fashion Show. Nov. 19: Warren Miier Ski Film Detroit Institute of Arts Ansel Adams photography exxhibit continues until Nov. 19. Fox Theatre Nov. 15: Eurythmics. Nov. 17: The Judds. Nov. 25: 10,000 Maniacs. Nov. 26 & 30: B-52's. Nov. 29: Jean Luc Ponty. Latin Cluw1er Nov. 22: Red Hot Chili Peppers M@lestic Theatre Center: Nov. 16: Bo Dlddley Royal Oak Music Theater Nov. 18: Canadian jazz group Yuzeb, and Larry Coryell. Nov. 21: Billy Squier. St. Andrew'• Hall Nov. 15 & 16 The Pixies w/ The Zulus. Nov. 17: Buzzcocks w/ Grievance Committee. Nov. 18: Lies, Cheaters, and Thieves. Nov. 21: King Diamond. Miscelleneou• Assoeiation of Chinese Ameri cans, Young Professionals Group. Social organization. For more information about activities call 351-7403. Nov. 27:. the B-52's. · Odeon Theatre Nov. 15 & 16: The Second Animation Celebration The Movie, featuring Bill Plympton's newest film, "25 Ways to Quit Smoking.• Rick'• American Cafe Nov. 15: Water 4 the Pool. Nov. 16: Sea Cruisers. Nov. 17: Trinidad Tripoli. Nov. 18:The Hannibals. Nov. 19: Jerry Sprague. Nov. 20: Skor. Riverwa• Theatre Nov. 15-19: My Three Angels, based on 1955 Humphrey Bo~rt movie, 'We Are No Angels.• Call 483- 1623. Sensation• Nov. 15: Ann-b9e-Davis, with The Front Wh.ton Center- can 355-6686 The uR-1 is published weekly each term (30 issues a year) and is available free on the MSU campus and environs. · It is also available by mail for an annual subscription rate of $31, with discounts made for· non-profit organizations and mul tiple subscriptions to one addrea. It is posted weekly via first-class mail. . ~--~------------~-------, I i~~~· I S!Mtli AddAllU.· I I e+- I I 12~f!~W'"1-· ~-----------------------~ Make checks JNlJA'ble to: lhaiwrsity lleport.r-1~ J;p.· Sfd&.·, • f t t t t I t ' 4 f f f t , t t· 1 I t ! I I • I t I 1 1 • • t , ' t I 1 • • 1 ' ' f ' • f t I 1 1 O • Reporter-Intelligencer 15 November, 1989 Soundgarden delivers the· goods . DETROIT -At most rock shows, you get shoved around a lot, sweat buckets, see some silly hairdos, and - rock out fairty-hard. If you're lucky - At most rock shows you don't get all these things plus the frenzied spectacle of half-naked band members throwing their bodies around and simulating male fornication with a roadie. But then, most shows aren't Soundg•den, folks. · Sunday night's show at St. Andrew'• Hal proved to be much more than great rock. The al-ages show filled the house, encouraging some really creative stage-diving. I've been In some swell hLman meat grlrlders before, but this was really exceptional. None of that stupid sissy feet-first stuff, but plenty of jack-knives, back-flips and a few Nestea plunge-style dives. Ann Arbor's Big Chief opened, putting on a hard~cklng although sadly short 20-minute set. Lead vocalist Barry Hensler, truly larger than-llfe, loomed above the audience like Meatloaf, Mama ea.. and J•i• JopHn all rolled into one lovin' load. What more oould anyone possibly ask for? Soundgarden hit the stage with "Ugly Truth,• from their new album Loudsr Than Love. Lead vocalist Chris Cornell added rhythm guitar on stage to many of the tracks from the new album, Including "Gun• and "Get On The Snake.• Midway through their set, Cornell launched Into a macho and rather self-indulgent rock medley of •American Woman/Corrie Together.· At this point, the stewing audience slowed down considerably. Sorry guys, guess the covers Just don't cut it. - BETH CARTER G©C)IlER! .. . .. . • ~~~i~lf ~;g_;;,r••••······ •. :201 :: : }: ....... ....... •···.. .. :~:J:>.:/X~il9r:~~~·~ ....... . Rising stars . · sighted at EL Sones gig Last Tuesday the crowd at Rick'• Amertc.n Cafe was · treated to a fine performance by a band that could be next on the road to superstar status. Although· this· road Is surely long and certai"IY rocky, Capitol Reex>rd recording ' artists Fetchln' Bones have already begun their trek. The Bones' one hour and fifteen minute performance was well 'M>rth the $4 cover, as was proved by the well-receiving listeners. The band's up-beat music had many dancing through the entire set. Althought their individual musicianship was nothing ex traordinary, Fetchin' Bones worked wen together. The . music Is nothing really new. However, the selection of several ~ifferent pop-music styles was rather unique. One . moment they played songs with fast, thrash-like speed. The next, they would fly into more radio-worthy tunes.-The band's North Carolinian roots. See BONES, p. 11 Also features Incense and body oills._ Nov .17 & 18 .... Souvenir Nov .21.. .. The Hold Nov .24&25 .... Spinaker Sunday Special Stallion burger w/fries (half lb. ground beef w/bacon,swi~. cheddar, onion, lettuce, and tomato) draft and shot 'o' schnapps ONLY $2.99 ('til 10 p.m.) Shot 'n' beer $1.50 all night For Reservations Call The HOT TUB HOT LINE 332-6318 (located corner of Grove and Linden near Dooleys) . . .1 ~~/: r.--~--------, .f:?i ' / l $3.00 OFF l '--{;.~ I );<:1 'I Your Next Hot Tub Rental I .le«· I tl~Y, ii (With Coupon) · ~~,-/- 1 1 Exp.Nov. 15,1989 I )/ 1 I (Limit 1 discount per visit) I L _________ _.:_~_J Also . Wed. Special Two People . $15/hr. Re ular Price $20 -. -· 11 • Reporter-Intelligencer A quick look at the E.L. cinema scene • '. for Madge's sake by CHUBS MAHOY uR·I Cinema Critic · · So there I am, with my girlfriend Madge, watching a littlf:t television. I'm trying to make the moves. The situ- ation looks good and I heaci for first. Madge pushes my puckered face away. I lunge toward her again. She's too strong for me. I'm pushed away again. •Awe shucks Madge, what's the problem?• ·~ wanna go to a movie.• she squeals. After one last desparation lunge, I'm calling theatres. First, I call the Meridian 6 theatres. "Okay Madge, here's the deal. We've al1'8ady seen When Harry Met Sally ... and Parenthood. How about Sea of Love?• I ask. ·1 already seen it with my Uncle Shirley: I go through some others. •com- muniorn· 'What's that?• •1t•s got Christopher Waiken ... something about aliens.· "Grossi· my honey says. "Phantom of the Opera?• •t don't like scary movies ... yuckl• "Okay then sweetie-pie,· 1 ex- claim, •how about Dad? It's got that guy from Cheers that you like.• . ·1s it a serious one?• she belts out. "Kind of, but it's got..: •rm not in the mood to think serious right now: she interrupts. ~ only other movie is Gross Anatomy,· I respond. But it's to no avail. •tt you wama see that blood and ··Arghh. There's Second Sight with the guy fror:n Night court. John Larroquete and the foreign guy from Perfect Strangers; I say hesitantly. ·aa1ky1• she cries. •Let's go.• . •Awe Madge, that's gonna be out on video In a month. Let's see what . else there is.• So I pick up the touch tone and get on the horn to Meridian West theatres. I fall to mention An Innocent - Man with Tom Selleck playing the part of a jail bird. Madge is a firm believer that he was cheated out of an Oscar for his performance in Magnum P.I.. The Fabulous Ba.Jeer Boys is supposed to be really good,• I say enthusiastically. •isn't the1'8 any thing with Patrick Swayze?• she bellows. "Geez, Madge, there is but he plays a hillbilly.• "Oh please, let's go see itl What's it called?• •1t•s called Next of Kin... but there's got to be a f'T19Vie that you would rather see.· ·1 don't think so,• she sings. •usten, !hey've also got Staying Together,• I counter. •it's a serious one but It stars Stockard Channing and I know she's your favorite.• "Oh, I'll never forget her as Rizzo in Grease,· she says with tears in her eyes, •but Still, I'd. rather see the Patrick SWayze movie.· •Before we settle on one movie, · shouldn't we try some other theatres besides the ones in the mall?• I plead. "That's stupid. Why see a movie if you ~'t go to the mall?• What logic. How could I ever argue with such a clever girl. H it's Patrick SWayze she wants ... then it's Patrick SWayze she'll get. 1 s November 1989 :/ Y/t:t:l>lJI::><>:>:t::<<::<:<:tft:ti:>~t\:<::y::: ... . . ' . . .··.· . . ·.·.· ..• ~~~~~;;;;;;;;:;;;;;:;;;:;;:;:;:::;:::;::;:;:::::;;;:::::::;::::::===:.1 ' ... · . .· .. ·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.· ... -:- .-.-:- . . mlnirnJ ·~~0t::in a~in: 8at8$ and eventual st.K:Ca8a; ·.·. · : t:> :>4i~A.~.:~.~&>:iii< >:.Y >:: :+ : : : <>< ::::::::::::::::::::::::: .. :-:-:-:-:.:-:.:-:.:-:-:-:-:-::::::::::::::- . . .. . .. .. :.:::-:-:-:-:· :-:::·:-:::: ::::.::~:;:/>> ... :-:-:-:::-:-:-:-::::::::·:·.· . . . . .. ." .. . :.:-: -:-:-:.:-:-:-:-: . ..... .. .... :·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·. ·.·.· . . . . .. . .... · . . . . . ... . . . . . . . ... . .... :":":":":"::::::::::::::-:-: . ·:: .· .. .. . : .·. . :-:-:-::.:::-:;.:-: -:-:-:-::: >.·.·.·.·-:-:-:.:-·-·.· : : :·: ·:·. ::' .·.·.:::: ... : • • • ... r::=~~'"'"""";.;.;.;.,.;.:...:.;.:.:.:..:.:.;:..:.:.:.:..:.:..:.:.;:..:.;.:.:..:..:.:.:;.:..:.:;;;;.;;;;;;;;;;;;;:;;;;: ... · -~· ...... . .. .. . ....... . .. . .... :-:;:-:-·:· :-:-:::::::::::::::::: .... .·.·.·-:.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.· ·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·. :.::::::::::::::: -:-::::::::. :·:· :· :: ::::: ....... ~ .·.··:-:-:.:-:-:-:.: <:<>::: ;::::::::::::·.. . . . . . . . . > ·.·.·.·.·.·.· ·· ·· ····.·.·.·.·.·.· ... ::::::::<:::::::::::;:::: :::::::::::::::::::)::::(:::::::::::::::: ... ::::: .:. · · · · >>?Ht:?: ::::::::::::::: .. .·.;-:.:.:.:-:-·· ..... . . . . . Halfway to the mall, I glance over . . . . ·..;.:-:<· guts crap, you can go by yoursett.• •Maaaadge, It's a corned ... • •rm serious.· So I call the Meridian East the- atres. "How abol1 Black Rain with Michael Douglas? It's supposed to be pretty exciting.• at Madge. An Ideal I stop the car. "Get out1• 1 exclaim happily. As I drive into the darkness alone I feel a sense of pride. How great it ~ that we Americans can see. any movie we want providing that it's playing nearby and we have the green. I can see whatever movie I want. Madge can see the movie see wants to see. 'Well, there's Shocker, but I know And you can 6ee whatever you want - "That's one that you should see with your •guy• friends,• declares the Insightful Madge. . . ... ·~· C':':':".~':':".".'~".':".".''."'."."'.':~~,..,..,..,.,,.,..;..,.,.:;:;::;::::;::;::;::;::;::;::;:::::;:;:.J: . : ... :>>>> ·.·.·.·.· ·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·...... ......... ·.·.·.·.:::-:::·:-·-::·-·:-:·:·-::··--·:···: .... ::::::::::::::::<.::::·:·:···:·..... ....... . . ........ ·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.· .. ··-:-:.:-:-:-:.:-:.:.:-:.:-:-:.:-:-·· . . . . . . .·.·.· ·.·.·.·.·.;.;.·.· . . . . . . ... . . . ... . .. .·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.·.··· . . . . . . . .. .·.:.: -:·:·:<·:<·:::: ·.-.:-:-:.·.· ·.· . that you don't wart to see that.• to see. Even a dirty movie. ·rd have nightmares.• she whine$. · Oh, to be f 1'881 CallforD.AVJD at !Italian aodas: 337-1114 David Zumberg Experienced Hairstylist Personal Attention Patrician's Hair Fashion 309MAC East Lensing Market Eat Cheap All U Can Eat Coneys $1.99 Tuesdays noon-9 All U Can Eat Tacos $1.99 Wednesdays noon-9 *'*********** Mexican Plate Special $2.00 2 Tamale..s, Beans&. Salad All Week .Until 9 p.m. Delivery 332-238~ ~o~o~ \) - IW®Wi OO~b.\lm~OO®Y if you see a business' ad in the uR-1, tell 'em! «· HAIR A MESS? Let u_s help you out- Come to GARY'S CAMPUS .HAIRSALON $9.00 ~-sex hair styling "A Cut Above Yet Priced Below" 351-6511 549 E. Grand River (next to Confection Cormection) M-F 8am-7pm Sat 9am-2pm Ente-rtainment by ANGIE CAROZZO uR-1 Muaic Corre.pondent The Plxiee have a very unique sound, but they're just a regular band playing stuff that they think is cool. OriginaHy, they're from Bo6ton and that's where they started out as a local band. They opened up for Throwing 11u .... who they'd never even heard~ at the time, and that was their first step. •Gary Smith (Throwing Muses' producer) was there the night we opened for Throwing Muses,· said Pixies bass player Kin Murphy. ~rowing Muses manager, Ken, listened to it and he liked It. So he sent the tape to 4AD and saKi 'lvo (4AD Records owner tvo W•tt• Ruuell), look at this band. They don't have a manager, they don't have a record company. Do you like this lvo?' lvo liked It. So that demo tape be came our first album, and that's how we got our manager: Presently, the Pixies are signed with the U.K. 's 4AO Records on a five year/five album contract. Licensing and distributing in the Unked States is done through Elektra Records. Now the Pixies are 1989's m.mber one college band. But they aren't what they seem to be. "'We have really standard album collections,· Murphy said. 1..ed Zeppelin and The RoRing Stones, counter-balance that with fol.W nice ones.' We don't do that at all . . ·usually ChMes (ak.a. Black Francia, the lead singer) will come in with a chord progression in a state of done-ness and we just mess .around with It and go, 'Oh, that sounds good, do that again,' or 'Oh, that sounds Hke shit, don't do that again,' and that's what we do:· It doesn't really matter how they get the sound as long as the sound is good, right? And plenty of people think the sound is definitely good. There are even local bands coming out now that are trying to copy their sound. ·1 don't mind other bands trying to sound like us,· Murphy said. "'We sound cool, so there11 be other bands that sound cool,· she joked. The Pixies hope to release a new record next year. But when asked W the Pixies think they'll break into the pop scene, Murphy said, ·1 can't Imagine us being on the Blnboard Top Ten." They also plan to do more touring, which Includes tomorrow night's show at St. Andrew's Han in Detroit. And what's the coolest thing about seeing the Pixies live? ·1 would go just to hear the songs,• Murphy sald. With SQngs like •Debaser;· ~e Holiday Song.· and "Monkey Gone To Heaven,· this is not a show to be missed by any Pixies fans. and all the classic rock. I'm sure they'\le influenced U6, but I don't know how that shows in the mU6ic." The Pixies jump from harsh, intense songs like "Vamos· to goofy songs like 9Tony's Theme· without looking back. Their latest album, Doolittle, is their most extreme ex ample ~ this, with songs ranging from "Gouge Away· to "La La Love You.· ·1 don't .know how we do It,· Murphy said. We just do It. They're all good songs, right? it just comes olA like that. We don't say, 'OK, we'\le got ATTENTION! ATTENTION! ATTENTION! the uR-1 AND 81ZAR ARE PROUD TO PRESENT THE: /3 3 ' . H at B'Zar, Monday, Nov. 20th, 8 p.m. featuring the Wally Pleasant Experience and two bands to be announced. watch for bulletins posted throughout E.L. • and campus for further details . you must be 18 to attend, 21 to quaff. there is no age requirement for dClJlcing .••