I Don't Help Dwarves By Kaye Kruger "Do you want to hear my letter to Ant halfway down the tree; rows and rows of through the 6'5" gap between his eyes Emily?" black fuzzies snaking their way down the and his shoes and smiles at the top of Ant. oak, down to Sally Ann. Oblivious to Sally Ann's head. Her head reaches Sally Ann writes to Ant Emily every distracting details, little Sally Ann midway between the fourth button on his two weeks, Thursday night at nine remained sitting beneath the shirt and the buckles of his belt. Edward tree, o'clock. smudging her charcoal and erasing it into has never seen Sally Ann in her naked "It's really a funny letter!" an identical copy of the oak. Sally Ann bones. "No." always says that artists are very perceptive "I thought I'd come over and help my "Just listen. Dear Ant Emily ..." people. She's right, of course - her tree is little Sally Ann with her studies," said Ant. an identical copy of the one above her. Edward. "And I brought a study break "Here I am again ..." The fuzzies have decided to begin with with me." Aren't you though, again and again. her toes. This will be the most difficult as He was carrying two cans of Coke in his "Since I last wrote ..." Sally Ann never removes her shoes when left hand. Two weeks ago at nine o'clock p.m. out of doors. Germs inhabit the out of "Oh, Edward," said Sally Ann. "It's so "... my new roommate and I have doors. Fuzzies are very intelligent animals, nice of you. Do you want a glass?" become good friends. We get along just especially the black kind. Though not as Edward didn't. They sat together on great." perceptive as artists, they can figure that the couch and 24 ounces of cold, Just great shoe leather will be tougher to digest than bubbling brown cola vanished down their Sally Ann's lips are always an even Sally Ann's pale skin. throats. My throat constricted several shade of pink. Mother brought her a tube So, while still in full strength, they times in a sort of vicarious participation, of Babydoll Pink Ultra - Creme lipstick began with her fringed brown loafers. but still it was so dry that not even words and a small brush so that the outline Four - hundred cold, furry mouths, of polite conversation would come out. would follow perfectly that of her lips. gnawing through to the white skin that is Finally I went into the red woman's Mother realizes the importance of good seasoned nightly with three different bathroom and got a drink of water. When grooming. softening creams; gnawing below to the. I came out, Edward was looking at an "Thank you so much for the cocoa tender pink succulence of her flesh. They unopened letter on my desk. It was from colored panty - hose, Ant Emily ..." eat methodically, stripping the the computer at my bank. We have no body; Ant. bone by bone emerging dry and white. rapport and do not communicate which is. As I watched the pink lips lisping Voraciously the black swarm whirls from why the letter was unopened. through the words, a woman walked her feet through the knees, through ribs "Why isn't the statement opened?" slowly out of the bathroom, a freshly and finally through the narrow hollows in asked Edward. laundered pair of cocoa panty - hose her skull. One by one they jumped off the Sally Ann stood next to him, beside my dripping through her fingers. She had tall top of her head and in single file, desk. thinness and wore a floor - length red disappeared into another tree. "She has whole stack a of them, robe. When she finished her sketch, Sally unopened," said Sally. "Edward liked them, too, though of Ann gathered her drawing equipment Edward, the Math Major has a passion course I didn't show him the flowered back into its neat carrying box, and her for numbers. At times it seems to rival his elastic at the top ... " naked bones walked off. passion for Sally Ann. He turned toward She walked up to Sally Ann and began "... and Anty dear ..." me. looping the stockings around Sally's short Just as caterpillars swarm through "Let me see your checkbook." neck. Sally Ann never stopped talking. Sally Ann, so do ants inhabit old Emily. I raised both hands above my head "My roommate has said that they are The top of the door began to knock. slowly and flattened myself against the charming too, several times ..." Sally Ann looked up at me expectantly. wall. Alarms were ringing frantically Five times, once after each "Aren't you going to answer it?" time she asked me. throughout the bank. One bell was ringing "No," I said. "It's Edward and he frantically throughout the bank. One bell The women in red tightened her grip on wants to see you." was ringing two seconds ahead of all the the stockings and pulled at them until Sally Ann's forehead wrinkled. others. Policemen were all running Sally Ann's voice diminished into rasping "How do noises punctuated with harsh gasps and you^know?" towards me; navy blue human revolvers The door knocked again, six feet off rattles as she choked. Smiling now the closing in on me. the ground. 1 handed Edward my green checkbook woman yanked violently on the ends until "Shall I tell Edward that you're not with its butterfly embossed cover. He Sally Ann's pink tongue hung limply receiving tonight?" looked down from 10 inches above me down from between her pink lips and Sally jumped up and ran to open the and I sank meekly to the couch. Edward dangled along her rounded chin. door. sat down at my desk and began to Sally Ann looked up. "The funny part figure is coming now "Why, Edward!" she said. "What a in my checkbook. Sally Ann stood the funniest thing surprise." peeking over his shoulder and beaming happened to me yesterday while I was Edward has been dating Sally Ann for sketching a tree for an art assignment..." maternally down at his neat rows of three months. They also Four - hundred caterpillars get along just figures. began great. Sally Ann thinks they'll get engaged "You didn't subtract the 12 dollars for writhing their way out of the bank of the in another two or three months ancient oak tree. They are black fuzzies, Edward flowers," said Edward. won't be able to afford the diamond "I didn't know you bought any the flesh - eating variety (Carnivorous before that time. Edward doesn't Epicurius). They began to form lines say flowers," said Sally Ann. "You never told much on the topic. He just looks down (continued on back page) A Snow Shove]/' Characters: The Man - about 50 The Woman - his wife, dressed as a supermarket cashier The Kid - about 20, always sitting in the chair facing upstage; all we see of him are his arms and legs which sometimes swing over an arm of the chair. Scene: A small kitchen table with two folding chairs, and facing upstage a large overstuffed chair some distance from the table on an otherwise empty stage. (As the lights come up the KID is in the large chair reading Sports Illustrated and whistling "Cheer, cheer for Old Notre Dame." Woman enters.) WOM: Where is he? (She sets her bag of groceries on the table.) Where is he? KID: He was here. For lunch. WOM: Did he say he was going to the lumber yard? (Silence. KID snuffs.) No, I suppose you wouldn't know. (Starts unloading groceries.) That's where he went probably. The lumber yard. To get another goddam two - by - four. Should we wait supper? KID: Not hungry. WOM: No, I suppose you've been eating all day. Well, I guess I can wait. (Sits.) Did you hear the weather? KID: Snow. WOM: Ha ha ha ha ha! That weatherman has been saying snow for the last five days. You know, if he was right just once, I believe I would faint. I would fall right over on the floor and faint if that weatherman was right just once. (KID shifts position, snuffs.) Do you know, you can count, really count on it being just the opposite of what he says. Do you remember your birthday party we had when you were six? We were going to have that wienie roast in the yard but the weatherman said fair and mild so we switched to the basement. Ha ha. That was one time my system paid off. Rained so hard that nobody came. Remember? Where is he anyhow? He knows we eat at six - thirty. KID: It's five to six. WOM: You'd think he'd call. Did you do anything today? KID: Read. (Snuffs.) WOM: Tell him you went to town to look for a job. If he's in here long enough to ask you. Are you sure he didn't say he was going to the lumber yard? KID: No. WOM: That's where he went then. For another goddam two - by - four. What the hell is he building out there anyhow? KID: He doesn't say. WOM: He won't tell me. Hvery night he gobbles down his supper, doesn't say I, yes, or no, just gobbles it down and then rushes back out there to work on whatever the hell it is he's building out there. Do you know the last time we had a conversation after supper? I remember. It was fifteen years ago. The night before you started first grade. We ate supper together and did the dishes together and then all sat down and chatted. And you said, "Daddy, what's school like?" And he sort of laughed and said, "Well, it's like going to work," he said, "just like Daddy goes to work every day, you're going to go to school." And then you said, "Can I go to work with you, Daddy? Instead of going to school?" And he laughed and laughed. Like it was the funniest thing he ever heard. But that next day - he came home early, and he wasn't laughing, hasn't hardly laughed since. Something got into him that day. Now he doesn't laugh, hardly talks to me, hardly talks to you. He got something wrong with him, I tell you. He got - KID: What he got, was fired. WOM: What? KID: Fired. That day I started school. He got fired. WOM: He got laid off. And that's got nothing to do with it. He's always had respectable jobs, paid the bills, put a little away for your college — KID: - I asked you WOM: Okay, I'm sorry. No, there's something wrong. 't** play by Ken Pituch like the first one. But that's too slow for some. The ones Something really wrong. When you came home from school crying and ran up to him and sobbed, "Daddy, I in back start pushing the ones in front of 'em. so they hate it. 1 don't want to go to school," he didn't say a push the ones in front of them and all that pushing word, did he? Just sat you down in that chair and went makes such a hell of a wind that now they're all going so out there. Christ, 1 think he flipped his lid! Where is he, fast that they can't see they hit the ground and pile up for God's sake? (Silence. KID snuffs.) Might as well put in the front yards and the driveways and over the school buses on all the roads and the flat roofs cave in but it these away. Yeah, I'd faint. I'd fall right over and faint if it snows. Ha ha. (Exits with some of the groceries. don't stop. Whiter and whiter piling up in the dark; up KID starts whistling 'Notre Dame song' again. to the window sills, higher. All the snow plows get Man enters, carrying a brand new snow shovel over buried in it. But nobody knows it, cause they're all in his arm. The blade is wrapped in brown paper. He the flannel pajamas, hiding. But when they get up in the sneaks on stage, hides the shovel under the table. KID morning they'll look out the window. All white. Oh, snuffs. MAN nervously looks at chair, realizes that KID they'll think it's just frost, so they'll eat bacon and doesn't see him, relaxes. WOM enters.) eggs and a half a grapefruit and put on their ties and kiss WOM: About time. You could have called. Supper's _ the wife and kids good - by and go to the front door - BUT IT WON'T OPEN! They'll be trapped. The snow'll ready. (Exits.) (MAN turns to KID as if to speak. WOMAN enters pin them in their split - level, four - bedroom houses, and they'll panic 'cause they only got three more with two dishes of Jello 1 - 2 - 3.) WOM: Your supper's cold. grapefruits and the garbage is already overflowing and it's getting colder, the snow's straining on the storm MAN: You're quite a cook. windows. All that snow. Tonight. WOM: No need to be sarcastic. KID: Right. MAN: Is he eating? MAN: Tonight. I know. I been waiting. Fifteen years WOM: He ate downtown. (They start eating) I been waiting. Yes. It's going to snow. (Walks to the MAN: (loudly) It's going to snow! table.) That's why I bought . . this (Rips off paper, WOM: (laughs) No. He said it would snow. I'd fall shovel shines) for . . . . for you. (Approaches chair.) It's over and faint if it did. Ha ha ha. for you. MAN: (Finishes supper.) It'll snow all right. KID: (Doesn't look up.) Thanks. (Turns another WOM: Are you drunk? You know it does just the page.) opposite of what he says. MAN: Let, let me explain. I finished it today. The MAN: (Finishes supper.) It'll snow all right. I'm not business. I finished it. I went to the lumber yard and drunk. bought the last two - by - four and finished the business. WOM: Don't tell me you're not drunk. You never talk like that unless you're drunk. Today. Just in time. So you just sit there for now. Rest MAN: Ha ha ha ha ha. up, son. Tonight it's going to snow, and we'll be out there in our own business, waiting to get to work. WOM: I refuse to eat with a souse! (Exits) MAN: Ha ha ha ha. Hey, what's for dessert? Ha ha ha Together. You can have this new shovel. I'll use the old one. We'll show 'em tomorrow, we'll show 'em. Oh, it's ha. No. I'm not drunk. (Rises, picks up snow shovel, balances it with two hands, like a deer rifle.) Son? going to snow. Ha ha ha ha. KID: You talking to me? (Shifts position, snuffs, (WOM enters, starts clearing the table.) WOM: What the hell is that for? doesn't look up from reading the magazine). MAN: We'll be ready. MAN: I'd like to. KID: I'm reading. (WOM looks at him, sighs, shakes her head, ignores him while she finishes clearing the table.) MAN: You must think I'm drunk, too. MAN: My boy and I. We'll save this town. (KID snuffs) I've got something I want to tell you. (WOM exits.) No. Something I want to talk over with you . . . (uneasy Oh, it's a fine business. I painted a sign. With our pause)... It's going to snow! names on it. (KID snuffs.) You'll like shoveling. It's so KID: I heard. white and light the first day. If you don't let it set it's (The MAN's next speech begins slowly, hesitantly, but he gradually warms into it.) always light and white. Tomorrow we'll be the only ones out there shoveling. MAN: It's really going to snow. Not because the weatherman said so or because the weatherman didn't (Lights dim slightly.) See that. It's starting already. Darker. Colder. Time we say so or because there's a cold front running from the moved out to the business. northern Rockies to the Texas panhandle and low (KID snuffs.) pressure over Kansas and high pressure over Wisconsin . . Get your coat. An extra sweater. Heavy socks. And a . It's going to snow because . . . because . . . because it hat. It's time. 15 years . (He turns quickly to the just is. It's going to snow. Tonight. (KID turns a page) . . . . chair.) It's time. Well, come on. Tonight. You wait. It'll get cold. Not windy cold. Cold and still. Yeah. Cold and still and dark. The (Lights dim slightly more.) Here, take your shovel and get your coat! cold'Il roll in from the north and blot out the moon and the stars. And even the streetlights and the neon (KID shifts position.) Hurry up son. Hurry. (Offers him the shovel.) It's time! bowling alley signs won't light up that darkness. Dark. Fifteen years! It's going to snow, it's going to snow! The Cold. Like the inside of a packing house. The cold and business! Come on! dark'll sneak in under the doors and creep through (KID turns another page.) everybody's house. Through the storm windows. They'll You don't have to go to school. Together, me and you. click the heaters up and turn on another light, but it Take it. (KID snuffs.) Please, take it. Take it. You son won't help. Colder and colder and darker and darker. of a bitch. Take it! (Strikes KID repeatedly with Then they'll all crawl into bed and hide themselves between electric blankets and shiver under their flannel shovel.) Take it! Take it! Take it! Take it! TAKE IT! (Looks at shovel covered with blood; looks at chair. pajamas and try and sleep themselves out of the cold and dark. Lights dim more.) It's going to . . snow. (Runs off.) And then, when everybody's shivering, it'll start. One (WOM enters with a cup of coffee, sits at table.) WOM: Did he go out there again? Do you know what of the biggest, whitest, lightest flakes you ever seen. From a mile up, it'll float down slow, real slow, like it the hell he's building? Is it getting colder in here or is it knows its gonna make it sooner or later, cause their's just me? Is that light bulb getting bad? Why can't I get a only one way to go. Until finally it lands. And as soon straight answer around this place? as it does, 60 million other flakes see it's all right for BLACKOUT them to come, too. So they all start floating in. Slow, I Don't Help (continued from front) My right foot was within four inches of "Twenty - three ice ere ... !" his pulsating left. Edward cut her short. me. Were they for your mother or "Alle leute sind gegangen," said "You were $64.83 off - subtracted something?" Anthony. "All the people are gone." wrong seven times, didn't record four For the Or Something The lab attendant was still there but by checks, recorded one twice, and either "My mother's dead. She can't smell now my foot had been aroused beyond you forgot to record some deposits or flowers anymore." control or propriety. It leaped suddenly you've been overdrawn for two months." "You never told me," said Sally Ann. to Anthony's and smashed down along his "Did the letters say that I was "We've roomed together for a month and naked toes. overdrawn?" you never told me." "God!" yelled Anthony. "No." Edward interrupted calmly. The lab attendant answered. "Then I guess I'm not." "What did you do with the flowers?" "Is something wrong, booth seven?" Banks don't lie to customers. It's not I ate them. I ate three dozen painted My foot had retreated with haste and ethical. daisies. The pink ones were the best, I was resting innocently under my chair. Sally Ann stood up and lifted her think. They have a rare flavor, like the sun Anthony's wire - rimmed glasses looked history book down from her half of the on morning clouds before the dew is dry. down at his violated left foot. The second bookshelf. But the yellow were my favorite. I ate toe hung more limply now, but still it "Edward," she said. "Aren't you going ' i them petal by petal, sepal after sepal, leaf twitched. to help me with the Romans? I get so by leaf, and finally the fine curving stem. "I need a new tape," he mumbled and confused." Yellow were the main course, blue ones got up. No, Edward told her. I don't help dwarves. V for dessert. I ate them, Edward - three It was a deformity, not a come-on. Z * "Sure," he said, unfolding his legs. gluttonous dozen of them. Remorse engulfed my foot. "Come on little one." "They were a gift," I said. "And I think While he was exchanging his tape, my He rose until his head was above the I? it was $12.50, not $12." eyes slipped around the side of the booth book shelf. Edward made another careful line partition and found his name on the cover "Let's go study in the library." through the $12 entry. of his German grammar text. Anthony He looked down through the 6'5" gap "... now, $10 to Anthony Althenberg. 1518 West Canton Drive. I between his eyes and his shoes and smiled Althenberg, right?" mailed him the check. at the top of Sally Ann's head. Sally Ann "Right." "This next one's all right," said thinks they'll probably get engaged in It must be right if it's in the book. Edward. "You substracted that one another two three months or — Edward Sally Ann was sitting across the room right." won't be able to afford the diamond now, her foot jerking spasmodically, with I smiled at him. Sally Ann's wrinkles before then. wrinkles between her eyebrows and a few were contorting again. beginning to curve down around her mouth. Edward has never balanced her checkbook. "Who?" asked Sally Ann. "An-thony Al-then-berg," read Edward. The wrinkles turned toward me. "I owed it to him," I said. It was the least I could do after raping him. "Was it $10 even?" asked Edward. "Yes." I'd read somewhere that 10 was the going rate for prostitutes, so I thought Anthony wouldn't object to it. He looked as if even five would have been a help; his knees poked brazenly out of his jeans, his toes hung awkwardly out the ends of his canvas shoes. Anthony's second toes P5" •0 hanging from his left foot had a twitch. I looked down from the blank glass of the language lab booth late one Tuesday night and there it was, twitching at my right foot. My right foot had no idea that his left foot had a nervous tic and assumed it was some sort of a come-on. My right foot curled and retreated under my chair. But his second hanging toe kept twitching. My foot watched his for a while, but when there was no follow-up to that first overture, mine got braver and began to inch slowly toward him. "J'ai un chien et un chat," I said. "UN chien et UN chat." "Frau Schmidt ist gegangen," said Anthony.