Throughout history    men   have given vent to the frustrations of
                    war  in numerous   ways - from violent demonstrations to literature
                    and art. The impact of the Indochina    war  has moved students to
                    express  personal reactions in a variety of forms. In light of
                    mounting support for Saturday's march on Washington, Tuesday
                    devotes its pages today to examples of this expression.
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                                                                                        Mixed media/Anthony Bodenmiller


               Survival in War
                                                and
              Sanity in Peace
      A     personal narrative
                    by Michael Cain
                                                             alone in silence. Upon reaching the
                                                                                                      terminal, we
Part I    -  Pre War 1966                                    walked quietly to the departing ramp; his last
                                                             words were "Son keep your head down," which I
    I am an only child, 19 years old and living at           never  forgot.
home with my mother (56) and my dad (55).
Today is special, since I have received a letter            Part II  - The War 1967-68
from President Johnson, requesting my presence
in     the   armed    forces.  1 don't really     mind  —      I arrived in Vietnam on Feb. 4,
                                                                                                    1967, about 2
anything is better than what I am doing now. I              a.m.   at Ben Hoa airport. As I walked from the
can see my picture now
                               hanging beside Dad's and     Braniff jet into the warm night air, the sky would
Uncle Lowell's. You have never seen two finer
 men in uniform.
                                                            intermittently light up from flares, and off in the
                        My unde, like my dad was in         distance the booming of huge artillery rounds
World War II, but Uncle Lowell received the
                                                            echoed. Suddenly I felt anxious to be a
silver and bronze stars. He is the family war hero.                                                       part of it
                                                            all. Goddamn, all I needed was
     1                                                                                             my M16 and I
        probably could have stayed out of the draft if      was ready to go.
 I had stayed in       college, but I just wasn't ready        I stayed in a placement center for two
 for college. From the time I dropped out my                                                                   days
                                                            before    being assigned to the 1st Cavalry, 2nd
 folks have been worrying about me. They always
 wanted me to have the education they never had
                                                            Battalion, 7th Brigade. The division headquarters
                                                            was at Ake Khe, which is where I went
 a   chance to get. Now they are concerned that I                                                         to report
                                                            for duty and receive my
 may go to Vietnam. It's funny, we never used to                                            equipment. We were
 be so concerned about Vietnam until now. The
                                                            supposed to go to a three - day training school,
                                                            but due to     an  immediate request to get us to the
 war     always seemed a long way off. One thing is         field  our
                                                                       initiatory program was reduced to a      few
 certain, if we don't stop them in Vietnam, they            hours.   The next morning we were flown to
 will be taking over all of Southeast Asia and                                                                  our
                                                            field location. Little did I know then that about
 eventually pose a world threat.                            half of the replacements that I arrived with
     This narrative exemplifies my limited
                                                            would    never see   home  again.
  viewpoint before entering the Army. I expected               Upon arrival     at my field location,
  to be drafted and, in fact, I was                                                                     which was
                                          hoping for it. If about 200 miles south of Ake
                                                                                                Khe, 1  heard that
  it took any longer I would have
                                               joined the   my company was out on an operation. They
  Marines. The question is why? I think the answer
                                                            returned the next day, and what I saw wasn't like
  lies in the fact that I had no
                                      place else to turn.   the John Wayne movies.
                                                                                          They looked    more   like
  Like many young men I was bored and restless.
                                                            pack mules than soldiers, smelted like goats and
  It's the type of boredom and restlessness that the
                                                            were damn
                                                                           happy to be back. There was a semi       -
  Army breeds upon, a mental state the Army can             rest period for the next three
 mold into a storehouse of latent violence. Of                                                    days before we
                                                            went    on   a   three    week search and
 course,     I received love from my parents and was
                                                                                    -
                                                                                                           destroy
                                                            operation. I was somewhat disappointed; I had
 taught to love in return. However, that does little        come 13,000 miles to                                                                                  AP   wirephoti
 to alter the facts that I and most all American                                      fight and for four days all I
                                                            did  was  wait.                                            the town
 youths were and still are socialized to accept                                                                                    prostitutes.
  death and violence, as the "American way."                   During those three days the        men ate decent          My initiation to the company wasn't flattering;
 When a child is old enough to walk he is
                                                            food, took showers, swam              in the ocean,        I  was assigned to the
                                                     given                                                                                            weapons squad as an
                                                            sometimes got drunk, went to the                           ammunition bearer for the M60 machine
 toy machine guns to play with, toy soldiers to                                                      nearby town                                                              gun.
                                                            of Phien Thiet and walked the                              When the weapons sergeant looked at
 shoot down, pistols to draw and countless other                                                smelly alleys with                                                          me, I
                                                                                                                       swore he didn't see a six          foot two - inch tall,
 toys of destruction. I, like most youngsters,                                                                                                         -
                                                                                                                       180   •
                                                                                                                                pound youth but a laboring pack mule. I
  spent many hours watching television where I
  witnessed interminable deaths                                                                                        remember him saying, "Let me have the
                                        -
                                           by - violence.                                                                                                                big one"
  Couple this indoctrination with an unquestioned                                                                      (referring to me).
 sense of nationalism and the nation at war has
                                                                                                                         The morning we left I was
                                                                                                                                                               given enough C
                                                                                                                       rations to last for three
 the ideal fighting patriot.                                                                                                                        days, a sleeping poncho,
                                                                                                                       four canteens, 15 magazines of Ml 6
      On Aug. 19, 1966, I started basic                                                                                                                               rounds, an
                                             training. For
 three months we played war games and were fed                                                                         Ml6, two      hand    grenades,    one smoke       grenade
                                                                                                                       and 400 rounds for the machine
  military dogma. Actually, I enjoyed this. For the                                                                                                             gunner as well.
                                                                                                                       Two of the experienced men in the
  first time my life had direction and a definite                                                                                                                  squad helped
 purpose. 1 was a squad leader and exempt from
                                                                                                                       me   get packed. I   never thought 1 would make it
                                                                                                                       over    to the  chopper pad (helicopter lift), let
  some of the military
                               harassment, making my                                                                  alone walk for miles in the
 experience more conducive to further                                                                                                                       blistering sun and
                                                                                                                       then be able to fight.
 commitment. It was undoubtedly this
                                                                                                                         I survived the first
 background that prompted me to volunteer for                                                                                                    operation, although there
                                                                                                                      were times when I felt
 Vietnam.                                                                                                                                           getting slightly wounded
                                                                                                                      would be less painful then the heat and burden
     The next three months       were spent in Ft. Polk,                                                              of my equipment. Once the GI in front of me
 Louisiana, for advanced infantry training. My
 zeal    was weakening somewhat under the arduous
                                                                                                                      fainted, and I subconsciously thanked him
                                                                                                                      because one step further and it would of been
 repetition of exercises demanded by the war                                                                          me.    We encountered little
 machine. "I wanna go to Vietnam, I wanna kill                                                                                                           enemy resistance; at
                                                                                                                      the most it would be        a  60-minute firefight that
 the Viet Cong" rang in my ears after
                                               shouting it                                                            would sometimes take       a  GI's life.
 habitually for months. Before, what was out of                                                                          One month after the first
 sight was out of mind, but now I could see the                                                                                                         operation I was made
                                                                                                                      a  machine gunner. The life
 time drawing near when somebody would                                                                                                                     expectancy wasn't
 actually be trying to kill me.                                                                                       encouraging but with the position came some
      It is interesting to note that at that time I                                                                   prestige, minor responsibility and loss of that
                                                                                                                      blasted 400 rounds 1 had been
 started attending church and praying
                                                     quite                                                                                                     carrying. Within
                                                                                                                      the   next three to four months 1
  regularly. When training was over and my leave                                                                                                                    earned the
                                                                                                                      unofficial reputation of
  had come to an end I had to face the difficult                                                                                                     being the best machine
  task of saying goodbye. First to see me off was                                                                     gunner in     the battalion. At least
                                                                                                                                                                   my platoon
  my     girlfriend who was an MSU student and is                                                                     thought so, which was good enough for me.
  now     my wife. We had been together for three                                                                        Everything   was   going smoothly. We had killed
                                                                                                                      several Viet Cong and suffered few
  years. TTien finally I said goodbye to my mother                                                                                                                   casualties.
                                                                                                                      That was until April 4, 1967,
  at home instead of at the airport because I didn't                                                                                                       my third month in
  want to see her or me cry,                                                                                          country. We were on a typical operation when
                                   especially after I had                                                             word came over the radio that
  volunteered to go. Dad and I drove to the airport                                                                                                               we were to
                                                                                                     AP wirephotd     prepare for extraction and would be
                                                                                                                                                                    going to an


     area   where      one   company was pinned down by           his    eye    and  came    out the top of his head.        the    slaughter going    on.  in  the  valley below.
    enemy       fire. From the chopper I could see F-4             Another friend to my        right took a bullet in the     Anticipating the order to join the rest haunted
     fighters bombing the enemy positions and                      leg. As he crawled toward us, he saw Tom, who              me. Seep was impossible.
                                                                                                                                                             Finally it ended. Only
    chopper gunships firing rockets into the           area.   We  was beyond help and
                                                                                               making loud moans as he        two of the     crew   of five I sent returned. As     a
     landed a considerable distance away and grouped
                                                                   struggled to breathe. My friend, seeing Tom,               whole, the battle was a cataclysmic loss.
     with the company that had been pinned down.
                                                                   asked the question that soldiers have been asking          Although I remained safe on the hill, what I lost
     As we waited for the bombing and shelling to                  for centuries, "Oh, my God — Why?"                         in fortitude   was inconsolable.
    stop, I remember             a  young    lieutenant saying        In October my dream of R and R became a
     "When that                                                                                                                   After that incident, I decided I would do
                        shelling stops there is going to be        reality, this time in Tokyo. All of the GIs
    nothing left but rolling heads." For some strange                                                                          practically anything to keep from engaging in
                                                                   brought back wild stories and pictures; I was no            this absurd warfare. Hiree months remained          on
     reason I didn't share his
                                      optimism. The bombing        exception. Coming back to the war after such an
    stopped, and we preceeded toward the bunkers                                                                               my tour and the        desire to return home was
                                                                   accommodating experience was worse than                     immense. I devised
    on line, in the fashion that the
                                             English fought the    damnable.
                                                                                                                                                     a  plan which eventually lead
    Minutemen. There was no firing. We just walked                                                                             to a job driving a jeep and supervising details at a
                                                                      I learned while in Vietnam that Uncle Sam gave
    closer slowly. Sergeant Byrd, our platoon leader,                                                                         well secured landing zone. Hie rest of my tour
                                                                                                                                     -
                                                                   nothing     away.  For the few dollars he spent in my
    motioned for me to stop and cover him while he                                                                            was spent away from the fighting proper. As for
                                                                   training, blood was expected in return. The                the rest of the company, during this time half
    went to drop a grenade in a bunker. He pulled
                                                                   battalion came up with a bounty that awarded
    the pin, held his rifle up with one hand and fired                                                                        were either injured or killed.
                                                                   any GI a three - day in-country R and R for
    into the bunker twice. While raising to drop the
                                                                   killing a Viet Cong. I collected twice, and each
    grenade, shots rang out and Sergeant Byrd                      time I stretched my three days into five by                Part HI   -  Post War
    crumpled. As he fell he took the live grenade and              devious    measures.
    pulled it under him, where it exploded. He had                   In the     closing months to      come my stamina           I have been back from Vietnam three years. I
    saved my life and the men that were carrying my                weakened. I      never  knew if my eyes would open        am    now 23 years old and a senior at MSU. The
    rounds.                                                       to see the next                                            death and destruction that I have witnessed — of
                                                                                        morning. Then Thanksgiving Day
        From that point on everything was confusion.                                                                         friends, of the many faceless soldiers that I never
                                                                  came, and it was nearly the breaking point           for
    Shots rained on us and GIs fell. I tried to fire but          me. A fine meal was prepared to be brought                 knew, the months of sub-human existence in the
                                                                                                                      out
    my gun jammed. There was a machine gunner                     to    the   landing zone where my company was             jungles and the empty moments of not knowing
   across     from me who fired over the bunker where             securing     an artillery company high on a hill, but     when it was my turn to die, have all shaped my
    Sergeant Byrd was killed just as a hand appeared              we didn't see the meal until four days later. Word        present attitudes — toward war, toward peace,
   on    the top. The hand jerked back. This probably             came from battalion headquarters that helicopter          toward mankind. I now embrace pacifism and all
   again saved my life because the Cong must have                 gunships were receiving heavy fire and we were            its ramifications. Never     again will I participate in
   heard me trying to fix my gun. I was easy prey.                to prepare for extraction. I sensed that this was a       any    military action. Never will I teach my child
   Then his gun jammed, and, as he raised the lid of              real    bad   one.  I had serious doubts about my         how to shoot toy guns at toy soldiers.
   his weapon to clear the bad round, enemy shots                                                                               My change in view was not solely the product
                                                                  ability to hold     up.  By now every company in the
   ripped into his head. Beside me my squad leader                battalion had entered the fight except us, and            of the war. At the time my hatred of fighting was
   had taken a piece of shrapnel from a rocket just               they were suffering heavy casualties. Our platoon        a base reaction to fear and
                                                                                                                                                                 disgust. Attitude
   below his eye. Half his face was covered with                  leader told me to give up one of my machine gun          change takes time. It is extremely difficult for
   blood as he shook his head saying "We got to get                                                                        GIs to accept the fact that the hell they went
                                                                  crews     to accompany      half of our company    into
   the hell out of here." Just then we all got up and             the    fight. I asked for volunteers, and one of the     through was nothing purposeful — that their
   ran like hell to the rear, leaving lie whatever                                                                         friends died for reasons that now make little
                                                                  gunners volunteered his team. They had only
   dropped from overloaded packs.                                 been in-country one month. The other half of             sense     at all. Not until I was at MSU for some
       This episode happened within a few minutes,                the company remained until further orders and            time did my convictions take their present form.
   but the battle continued for a couple of days                  secured the artillery. I was one of those who            However, today American society is having a
   until the enemy pulled out one night. It was                                                                            difficult time     repressing the absurdity of war,
                                                                  stayed. The fear of not knowing when I was to
   incredible that the only thing we found was a                                                                           especially when young men like me eventually
                                                                  go was one of my worst experiences in Vietnam.
   few enemy bodies so shattered they could not be                From the hill, the battle could be seen far off in       realize they were duped into a fight for "God
   carried and a complex cement bunker system                     the valley below. The radio kept me informed on          and country" that turned out to be little more
   that could easily take a direct hit from an F-4.               what was happening. I could both see and hear            than a senseless slaughter.
   Our job now was to retrieve the dead bodies
   which left an overwhelmingly putrid smell. One
  of them was my best friend who had been with
   me     from the        training days in Louisiana. He
  concluded his           Army term shattered on that
   meaningless hill. The war lost all its notions of
  heroism           for   me;   it  all  became     a  horrible
  nightmare.
       There were other times similar to April 4 but 1
  will move on to the month of June, monsoon
  season and my fifth month in the country. By
  now the desire to fight had left me; in fact it had
  been gone for months, but I still had seven more
  months to go. I started to weigh my odds of
 getting injured         or killed during the months I had
 left and the prospects seemed perilous. The only
 thing left to do was to think of ways of getting
 out of the field. My Rest and Recuperation leave
 was      coming      up   this month     so  the two   -  week
 operation before I           was  to go didn't dampen my
 spirits.       However, the rain did dampen my
 comfort.         I was sopping wet for two straight
 weeks, day and night. Coming back from that
 one left me with a great
                                        appreciation for the
 luxury of being dry. But best of all I would be
 leaving for Bangkok where there was beer and
 girls and       ...    I guess that's all I thought about
 then. However, my high expectations could not
 stop the feeling of nauseousness which turned
 into     a  fever the      day before I     was suppose      to
 leave.      I   had    contracted      malaria.  This    didn't
 surprise      me    too much for I had not been taking
 my malaria pills for weeks. I just wished I caught
 it after R and R. The type of malaria I had meant
 30 days in the hospital. To me this seemed better
 than the        possibility of getting killed. The first
 week       was    tough but compared to being in the
 field, the last three seemed like heaven. I                was
sent to      a  convalescence center at Cam Ron Bay.
      I returned to the company in July with an R
and R to look forward to.
                                       However, things were
 no     better in the field. My assistant gunner had
taken over for me. I was praying they would let
him stay        with it and give     me  another job. But no
such luck. His          name was    Tom    Jones, age 19. He
stayed with me as my assistant for five months
until he was killed in September. We were on a
daylight ambush. It was about 2 p.m. when Tom
woke me up and pointed toward two North
Vietnamese soldiers walking down the trail                                                                                                                  AP wirephoto
toward us. I signaled the rest of the company to
keep down, but the soldiers noticed movement
on our right flank and retreated off the trail into
the thicket. TTien our company commander
executed         the    worse   command       he  could    have
given. He wanted           us to follow the enemy. We did
and fell right into their ambush where Tom
                                                                                                                                       Tuesday directors/Robert Sickels
dropped at my feet from a bullet that went into
                                                                                                                                                           Denise McCourt


  AN OPENING STATEMENT FOR THE PROSECUTION AT
  THE WAR CRIMES TRIAL OF RICHARD MILLHOUSE NIXON
                                     (for lenny, bishop, gary, john, and bruce)
Gentlemen-
 right out of Vietnam
  and hot
  a steaming mad laughing son of a bitch
  tensed when he       phoned and now at my door
  joking
  "dennyit'sbeentwoyearsandhowareya"
  Gentlemen—
  this  boy has been dead for over a year
  and   now you stand him at my door
   mud on his lips
   his scalp nervous
  the feet alternately rising
   and  now    you give me his eyes
   his eyes move with his words
   to the impulse of nerve and noise
   their dance traces lines on maps
   red lines that run off paper
   red lines into air where   they focus and follow
   stop heavy at night listening for me
   he talks   quickly and in  a whisper
   you   have taught him things
   which I have not imagined nor written
  dream things which lace his world
            the delicate morning trajectory of the mortar
            the subtle certainty of the trip wire at
                                                     night
            the  W3rm   damp and surprise of tunnels
            the pink spiral and pattern of shrapnel in flesh
  these fill his mind
  and where he once dreamt of probabilities
  the matter is simplified
  down inside hard
  below the guts
 a  deep longing for death
 survives
 and the movements are geared now
 each gesture deftly to reaction
 the   discipline of his world
 sits in   tight knees on straight legs
 a simplicity of extention
 the laugh scraped across 4000 miles
 slowed
 to an    easy bubble in mud
 fingers carry his hands beneath his thighs
 pinned        restless
 no
 things ain't changed
 it's '68 and you're laughing
 hair down to your ass
 'bout grassers and classes
 that chick with the creamy hair
 and small breasts
 you    know it
 and   baby would love to get into
 your    smile is clipped
your     words flow thick down     my   face
 I would rise      now
walk     across   the room
and take your head in my arms
look out the window
and tell you it is late winter
that the frosts are lighter now
the days      noticibly longer
and that small green plants
already sit silently
waiting
under the snow
                                                                                poem and photograph by Dennis Pace